Thursday, December 22, 2011

How important is it for a Domme to understand a male's submission?

Something that has nagged at me a bit over the past few years is the importance of a Domme understanding the root of a male's submission.  A better way of wording this might be: how well she understands his subspace triggers.

My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met.  She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub.  We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.

And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?

I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").

From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary.  It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations.  She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.

From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance.  For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one.  If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.

In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable.  In theory.  In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship.  But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.

If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance.  Basically:  use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do.  From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.

If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me.  Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer.  I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run. 


  1. Interesting post FS.

    Being a 24/7 Domme, the beginning of our relation was a consensual relation but now that it is owned and collared by Me it is more of a non-consensual relation. The reason being is lil pussy has accepted Me as it's Domme and I accept lil pussy as My slave.

    In the beginning, it was VERY important to know everything about My slave, the way it thought, what it likes or dislikes and it's mental state of mind about sexuality and submission. Now that we've progressed, this knowledge is less important except if the "outside influences" effect lil pussy's state of mind.

    Knowing lil pussy's triggers are a great asset; it can be useful during training, sexual Domination and submission as a whole.

    The use of these things are completely at My discretion and serve to benefit Me. They are simply a tool, not necessarily anything for lil pussy's pleasure.


  2. Thank you, Mistress Misty.

    Your comments flow along with what I was thinking about when I finished the post. Very important (at least early on) to establish the type of service and submission that best meets the Domme's desires. Of little importance/consideration to the sub's pleasure, and if it does grant him pleasure it's merely a coincidence or a bi-product of the Domme's desires being met.

    I guess now I have to do some thinking on whether or not it's possible for Mistress and I to have a mutually fulfilling relationship when the understanding isn't there and hasn't developed very well over the years.

  3. I think it depends on how much you want to be manipulated and played with. I tend very heavily to the service/slave side of submission but then get a lot of my other kicks as a byproduct or a low-overhead extra... for example, it's not much extra trouble for her to put on a pair of stockings.

  4. Thanks Giles. I do think your case still does require a significant amount of understanding since it requires a certain dynamic, e.g. dehumanization, expectation, etc. If please and thank you were used when making requests, requests were made in the form of a question rather than a command, etc. it probably would be difficult to maintain a level of subspace/slave space. It's not that those would be necessary to serve, but a style of interaction dynamic would likely grant deeper levels of subspace and increased motivation.

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