Fetish Control

strokemetillipurr wrote a post on Fetishes today that I found quite lovely.  Actually, it filled me with envy and questions of what if?  It got me thinking about how I feel about my fetishes.

The first thing I would say is that if I had a friend like the author back when I was suffering in agony and hating my fetishes... that I would probably be a much happier person today.  I genuinely mean that.

As a whole, you will find it incredibly common for people sharing the same fetish to band together on the internet, forming communities to congregate in and interact with one another.  These communities, by and large, get by due to anonymity and the feelings that no one has to hold back.  The long-time members of these communities will often know each other for a VERY long time and stay in contact through the rise and fall of half a dozen communities.

I've dabbled a bit in these communities but my fetishes are a bit different than what is common and the result is that I often find it a bit difficult to fit in.  The other problem is that as these fetish communities peak in size is that number of people with questionable manners often become a problem.  This results in a strictly monitored environment, ensuring that everyone stays "on topic."  My fetish is very personal to me (although I don't mind sharing about it) and I end up using these communities to try and make internet friends.  You know, people you have something in common with but enjoy interacting with in various ways.  Some communities are less restrictive with others, but I have encountered some where you weren't allowed to mention a book, movie, or television show, unless that specific media included the the fetish.  In the cases where it was in the movie/book/show, you were also then limited to talking about the fetish scenes and not about the work as a whole.

I rarely find one that I feel comfortable enough to stay in for more than a year.  I can't tell if I'm an alien.  In most cases, they are a lot more at peace with their fetishes than I am.  I kind of envy their "I don't care what others think" attitude.  I think a lot of the enthusiasm comes from a lifetime of burying their secret and that community being their safe haven and outlet.

I did a LOT of research over the years on fetishes, fetish development, and psychiatric methods of treating fetishists.  If I remember correctly, the generally accepted understanding of fetish development is something along the lines of, "repeated sexual fantasies about or including a particular theme/item."  Most fetishists were drawn to their fetish at a young age.  Often they new that they were different and embarrassed by it.  The shame makes them keep it secret from the world, and this can lead to secret obsession.  The obsession leads to the fetish. 

To the best of my knowledge, it is impossible to get rid of a fetish.  Once it is there, it is there for life.  The strength of the fetish and how it affected your developing sexuality during puberty is also a factor.  For the lucky ones, they can still perform in a "normal" sexual way.  For the less fortunate, they need the fetish item/theme present (at least in fantasy) in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Nearly every fetishist I have ever known has at some point attempted to purge the fetish from themselves during a depressed state full of "I hate myself and just wish I could be normal" thoughts.  They will throw away all of their fetish-related items, delete their collection of pictures/erotica, and avoid visiting their normal fetish related sites, emails, messenger accounts, etc.  Most of them have tried this multiple times over their lifetime.  It always comes back, frequently with a vengeance.
A fetishist knows they aren't normal.  Where this comes from is either from actual experiences or fear of potential experiences where they will be ridiculed and rejected for their fetish.  Relationships are the most terrifying of all.  It is common for someone to hide it and wait to share it with their spouse until either they are caught, or they have been together long enough that it is unlikely that it would cause a divorce.  The male/female distribution of people with fetishes isn't a kind one for relationships.  Most of the psychiatric community believes that there are no women fetishists.  I tend to believe that they make up ~1-2% of fetishists.  So... 98% men / 2% women, and that isn't even breaking down the fetishes into their respective categories.

Why aren't there more women fetishists?  There are a number of reasons.  Women are often able to explore their own sexual interests more easily.  They don't live in an environment like toxic masculinity that will shame, degrade, and even physically harm those that are different.  This allows a woman to fantasize about something without the same type of guilt or shame that will develop a closet obsession.

Another reason is that women tend to respond more to context and environment than men do.  They are less likely to look at a picture that includes a desired object/theme and get aroused.  They are more likely to craft a fantasy with characters, interactions, and events that include the desired object/theme.  Basically, it's a much more balanced form of arousal and they are more likely to change it up rather than repeat the same one over and over again.  However, this also explains the higher percentage of female spanking fetishists than in most other fetish communities.

A third reason is that many commonly fetishized objects can be enjoyed and appreciated by women quite easily without a problem.  e.g. part of what breeds a man's fetish for women's shoes or boots is that it feels forbidden and taboo and creates an obsession.  A woman can simply buy and wear women's shoes or boots.  A woman can also buy and wear men's shoes or boots without a problem.  Basically, the gender environment is so different that fetish development is far less likely to happen.

Now... why I called this post Fetish Control, is because that is the route I have attempted to take over the course of my life.  I created my fetishes early on.  They were the first and only thing I fantasized about, and low and behold, they are necessary (at least in fantasy) for me to achieve arousal.  This brought me great shame for most of my life.  The reasons for my shame are because I kept them secret after being shamed for being drawn to them earlier in life.  It was spelled out for me, "people will think you are a freak and no one will like you."

By the time I was dating age, the idea of sex terrified the living hell out of me.  I held this secret hope that touching a girl's breast or kissing her would instantly "cure" me of my fetish and I would be able to perform normally when it came to sexual acts.  This was over-shadowed by the looming fear that I woudln't be able to get it up, they would laugh at me, tell everyone about it, and I would never have another date for the rest of high school.  To combat this I began focusing on the emotional care and companionship aspects of relationships.  Getting to know someone deep down was my greatest goal.  I didn't think about sex at all.  It was too terrifying and would actually trigger PTSD symptoms.  (Un)Fortunately, it was never a factor, seeing as I kissed one girl in high school once and never got farther.  Definitely unfortunately, it meant this unknown fear would continue on through college.

I did not admit my fetishes to a single person until I was 24. Thankfully, the first woman I had a sexual relationship was an absolutely kinky minx that had boatloads of kinks that bordered on fetishes.  I was a coward and didn't admit to my fetishes until after we became emotionally involved, but everything went okay, although my greatest fears were indeed confirmed.  As circumstances have always managed to tear my life apart, I have had the misfortune of having to start over repeatedly.  Each time it brought about the same terror, but I have started bringing it up early on, letting her know of my sexual quirks.  It still makes me feel neurotic and screwed up.  Every time.

I no longer try to control the fetishes.  I have given up on trying to get rid of them.  I still haven't accepted myself fully and consider it unfortunate that I have them.

When I read that post today all I could think of is, damn, if only I had a friend like you when I was younger.  I might not have felt so messed up for the majority of my life and would probably have more confidence and like myself a lot better than I do.  Thank you for that post, it was inspiring.