Thoughts on my reality

I realize now that a post I made recently may have done the opposite of what I intended.  I had hoped to help but I think it may have felt like I was diminishing their existence.  I am frustrated with myself that I didn’t see this interpretation before I posted it and I have spent the last couple of days thinking about what I didn’t see.  I figured it out earlier today:  my reality is different from theirs.

I forgot about this and that is my fault.

I have never felt desirable.  I have never had someone want me for my looks, my body, my car, money or status, or anything like that.  I have never had anyone want me for my abilities or because I was a part of a team or a band.  I do not know what it is like to be desired, and especially, I do not know what it is like to be desired for wrong or empty reasons.

As I have found myself starting over several times since I entered this lifestyle (something I had hoped I would never have had to do).  Having been in both online and local communities, spending months upon months searching for a partner, you get a feel for what people find desirable.  While I know that personal connection and love trumps all, those are things that must be found and nurtured over time.  The start of the process is not so kind because of what people have to go on.  Online, it’s who we are on paper.  In the real world, it’s about how we look.

Online searches always start with the idea of us.  It is not us.  Not who we are, but the idea of what we are.  The concept of desirable starts here. There is an inherent inequality between who desires and who is desired.  Supply and demand plays a large part.  Gender and role serve as the basic filter.  Dominant women are the rarest.  Male submissives, the most numerous.  Those who are particularly beautiful or handsome have the greatest superficial draw.  After that it falls to race, age, interests, and how we present ourselves.  People with the most common and sought after interests rise. Those with less desirable interests or interests that carry negative stereotypes fall.

A lot of filtering goes on before anyone ever sees who we are.  A lot of filtering goes on before anyone even cares about who we are.  This isn’t the right way that things should be, but it is how I perceive reality.

Those who are most sought after will get worn down by volume.  The balance for this is availability and options.  They will have every option in the world to choose from.  Even if 99% of them are bad, it still yields many options from only that top 1%.  This is empowering.  It can also be frustrating.  It could be worse.

Those who are the least sought after will get worn down in different ways.  No one writes to them, so they must make the first move, knowing they are one of one-thousand who chose to write that day.  How do you separate yourself?  In this type you are wholly dependent upon the impression you can make with your words and your self-portrayal.  You try to be as honest and genuine as you can.  You try to give an accurate picture of yourself, highlighting your strengths while admitting your weaknesses.  You try to be interesting.  When you feel good about what you have written, it dawns on you: many people lie about themselves on their profile.  All the time and effort goes in only to hope that someone will care enough to dig further and if they dig, they will actually believe you.  You have no leverage.  You have no bargaining power.  You are at the mercy of it all.  You have no options.  It is the desired that has the options.

In D/s, I am one of the undesirables.  I am a male sub.  I am not handsome.  I’m short. I am a minority.  I have kinks that relate to feminization.  Each of these characteristics diminishes interest in me, yet none of them summarize who I am.  Who I am is never seen, because I never clear the bar.  I am virtually invisible.

I have always wondered what it would feel like to be one of the desired.  To have a specific quality, characteristic, or role that would automatically propel me to the top of the list of someone’s potentials.  In my imagination, I picture this as being a good thing.  Everyone has a reason to meet you.  Everyone that meets you has the potential to see the real you.  Everyone that sees the real you has the potential to be the one.

I can only picture the benefits but I lose sight of what I don’t know.  I can’t see the headaches or what this would do to a sense of self and sense of worth.  I can only guess.  I can’t see how prolonged experiences with having loads of options but finding none of them worthy would feel.  I can only guess.  I can’t truly understand what it is like to be desired for the wrong reasons.  I can only guess.

This is my reality.  I will be more careful in the future when trying to picture someone else’s.