An Intro to F/m – Part 6

It’s becoming harder to come up with things that contrast the differences between M/f and F/m… mostly because things aren’t really all that different as a whole when it comes to D/s, but partly because I’m feeling like I have knocked out a number of misconceptions already.
One that I haven’t confronted yet is role comfort.

While it is true that there is always an adjustment period for newer dominants and submissives accepting their choices of lifestyle, the adjustment is often very different with M/f and F/m.  By adjustment period I’m not referring to the learning curves of each role and the common pitfalls that befall them e.g. dominant guilt, sub frenzy, etc.  What I am referring to is the mental hurdles involved with accepting your identity as a dominant or submissive.

While feminism and awareness of other gender and sexuality-based prejudices has become the norm in modern society, the expectations of gender roles at home and in the bedroom tend to find odd balances.  While men are expected to be more in tune with their emotions and help around the house, their ideal form is still that of a manly-man that can take charge when needed and be the pillar of the home.  While women are expected to be independent and motivated, they pursue an idea of equality without ever really knowing what that is supposed to look like.

It is still deemed socially acceptable for a home to behave under a patriarchy and for the man to be head of household.  The feminist version is for their to be an equal balance of power and a “team effort” in steering the ship.

Sexually, while muscular and handsome remains the ideal male and along with the mainstream success of works like 50 Shades of Gray, it is pretty safe to say that idea of dominant manly-man/submissive woman in the bedroom is well within acceptable social bounds.

The end result is that with M/f people tend to be pretty comfortable with their role when they partake in this lifestyle (even if it does take them time to come to terms with the kinkier side of things).  In some cases there will be very little adjustment for D/s that moves beyond the bedroom walls.
If you notice, the socially acceptable options are patriarchy or equality.  There is no matriarchy option nor a long-standing reference towards a female head of household.  There is no sexual ideal of a woman taking charge in the bedroom and jumping a man’s bones.

The societal view of a sexually submissive male is that he is weak and pathetic (if not impotent, inferior, etc.).  The societal view of a man that wants to defer decision-making to his wife is that he is pussy-whipped and lacking backbone.  The societal view of a woman that wishes to take charge is that she is a selfish bitch.

F/m has a lot more layers that people have to work through to reach a comfort zone.  People have to buck the trends that a lifetime of conditioning and programming have instilled.  They often feel screwed up, broken, perverse, and the like, and this goes for both parties.

Dominant women tend to have an easier time accepting the role as society has granted them the freedom to be strong and aggressive.  They can also use logic to support their desire for dominance:  no one would argue with someone who simply says, “I like getting what I want.”  It still takes some time to get there.

Submissive men have the most difficult time finding comfort in their role.  There is nothing really out there that says that it is okay to be this way.  The associated guilt and shame often lead to fetish development, which makes accepting their needs even more difficult.  It is easier in today’s society to come out as gay than as submissive.

What this means is that when you find a couple that is obviously or openly F/m, you KNOW they are absolutely certain this is what they want.  They had to wade through decades of programming and societal expectations that do NOT cater to them.  They chose these roles and embraced them.

When I think about it, I believe this also plays into the idea that F/m relationships tend to be more intense as well.  It took a lot of work for them to get there and when they do, they jump in with both feet.

Monday Ramblings

It’s been a very odd stretch for me, seeing as how I have basically come to the discovery that I’m not really a sissy.  That being said, my submissive triggers remain just as strong, I’m just starting to understand more about what they are, where they came from, and what they do to me.  It is rather amusing though, that being called a sissy remains a trigger to me, most likely because I never wanted to be associated with the term.

As my depression sets in for the winter I have found myself blocked from easily accessing submissive mental space.  This makes me ache.  Today while feeling down and searching for an X-mas present for T I ended up stumbling upon some hats on Amazon that I hadn’t found before while searching.  I ended up buying them and now I feel guilty and ashamed as I usually do when making purchases of this nature.

Something that goes back to my time with F is that she didn’t want the fur and material colors to match perfectly.  She liked it better when the fur would stand out more and make it more obvious that I was a pathetic sissy boy in fur.  Old habits die hard and one of the “selling points” of these hats is that the fur pom poms are removable, which should also make them interchangeable… and truer to form (these are some bad photoshops of what they should approximately look like).

I do have fur earmuffs that should match with either color to complete it.

I feel sort of sad and pathetic that this is where my unmet needs and down mood took me (even though this is my first purchase on this front since 2011… still).  The fact that I need something like this to obtain the feelings that I desire fills me with shame and self-loathing.  Thankfully I have a friend that is dear to me that helps me feel better about it, but I still can’t help feel like I’m something less than a man.

On the upside, I did hold out enough restraint to stop at those two and not delve into a color scheme that we never accumulated much of over the years.

And to think… it’s only Monday.

An Intro to F/m – Part 5

Blah Blah, Disclaimers, this is a series, etc. etc.  There may be some rehashing of stuff found in earlier parts.  My apologies if this seems redundant but it was answering a specific question.
A friend of mine asked me about tenderness in F/m relationships and I think that is a really idea to write about as there seems to be a perception that there isn’t the same kind of loving tenderness in F/m as there is in M/f.

I understand completely where this perception comes from.

First and foremost, people outside of F/m don’t go looking for F/m info or resources, they tend to “stumble upon” F/m content which may or may not be representative of things as a whole.  This generally ends up being incidental porn or the occasional blog or blurb.  When things are forgettable, people tend to… forget them easily.  People remember what stands out and what stands out is often burned into their brain.  Basically, people who stumble upon F/m and remember it generally remember something fairly extreme that falls well outside of their comfort zone.

People remember the permanent chastity devices, the swollen and bleeding marks from a flogger, the cuckolding humiliation, and the like.  These dynamics can often seem hateful, or at least, needlessly cruel.

There are some dynamics out there where the Domme doesn’t respect the sub.  The sub is a tool to be used.  The sub shouldn’t expect pleasure as the Domme will most likely deny it.  The Domme may displace the sub in favor of a “more worthy” life partner but still keep the sub in two to perform the mundane tasks.  She doesn’t treat him as an equal.  He is treated more like a servant and probably ranks below a pet animal.  Yes, lifestyles like this do exist.  They are a visible minority.

What gets lost when forming a judgment about these dynamics is that the extreme lifestyle likely caters to the sub’s fetishes.  He would not allow this if he did not want it.  He would not allow it to continue if he did not enjoy it.  In most of these cases it probably took the Domme months or years to feel okay about it.  At the start she most likely felt devastated and like she was losing a partner.  When you see these, they are part of a slow evolution to getting there and both parties agreed to it.

This doesn’t answer the question of the absence of tenderness, but it does acknowledge that there are relationships where tenderness doesn’t exist, just as you may come across M/s M/f situations where there is very little, if any tenderness as well.  It’s easy to write those off as a minority when you are looking through a sea of M/f blogs.  If I had to make an estimate, the number of married F/m relationships where the Domme has lost all respect for the sub as a man is probably less than 1% of F/m.  It probably makes up closer to 10-15% of F/m blogs.

Another factor that contributes to this is that there are so very few F/m relationships with any dynamics that someone might describe as “enabling.”  You won’t find a slew of blogs where the sub leans on his dominant for daily guidance and life structure.  This just isn’t tolerated much in F/m and so you really won’t find may references that leave you thinking, “wow, what a caring dominant.”

The majority of F/m relationships have plenty of loving and tender moments.  There will be plenty of cuddling on the couching, binge watching Netflix, date nights, and romance.  The majority of F/m relationships have D/s that ranges from bedroom only to mildly outside of the bedroom.  She might hold final say, like a head of household relationship, but in most cases his input is expected and appreciated.

There are a lot of hours in the day and how important dynamics are at any time may fluctuate greatly.  At some times they will probably be very important and a focal point.  At other times they will probably be very relaxed (even if respect or titles are still required).  Those who partake in 24/7 know that this doesn’t mean “dominance all the time,” but it can mean “dominance at any time.”  Most Dommes don’t wish to be dominant more than makes sense, aka only as much as she enjoys to be.

When you think of where a loving life partner works its way into the equation, you can be pretty certain (that for most people) there will be far more tender times than cruel ones.

The relationships wher tenderness seems absent are a very small but visible minority.

Mindfucking - Revised

Missy made some comments on my last post that made me realize that my definitions given in it were indeed lacking.  I had tunnel-visioned a bit on its humiliation aspects and missed another side of it entirely.  Later I will go back and make notes on that post about its incompleteness and hopefully represent it better here.

I’m not the type to delete posts, but I am the type that doesn’t mind admitting when they have been wrong.

I painted the wrong type of picture in that last post as ideas got crossed up in my brain and what seemed like it made sense ended up missing the boat a bit.  I will try to cover it as clearly as possible.
Mindfucking is virtual.  It is the act of triggering feelings based upon fear.
You can mindfuck in varying ways including but not limited to:

• Fear of humiliation or embarrassment.
• Fear of pain.
• Fear of an unpleasant outcome.
• Fear of an undesirable act.

Wielding it requires convincing the sub that they will be forced to experience something and the thought or anticipation of it brings them anxiety and/or anguish.
I have seen mindfucking be done in multiple ways.

1. The sub is informed of what will happen and it never comes to be.
2. The sub is informed of what will happen and then something else happens in its place.
3. The sub is informed of what will happen, allowed to stew, and then have it actually happen.

An example of #1 could be slars being told she would be forced to wear a llama suit out in public and then having it not happen (as I mentioned in the last post).  Missy also provided an example of being told that a punishment would be carried out with a very harsh instrument and then having it not happen.  In these cases there was never the intent to actually do them and the focus was upon the fear and anticipation.

An example of #2 could be telling a sub that a very huge anal plug was going to be inserted into them but then when out of view switching it for a smaller plug without telling them so they don’t know what is going inside of them.  Another example was done by my blogging friend Miss Lily who would wheel out a cart with a brand and a torch and tell them they were going to be branded.  She would then blindfold them, activate the torch for a bit and then press into their skin with a piece of metal that had been in the freezer.  The body’s initial reaction struggles to differentiate heat vs. cold and they think they are being branded but in actuality are not.

#3 doesn’t really require examples but the sub being informed of the intent is meant to increase their level of anguish leading up to it.

While these activities can be fun for both parties, pushing the sub too hard with the mindfuck can also lead to unintended negative results.

Humiliation vs. Mindfucking

EDIT 11/20/17:  I have come to realize that a lot of what I wrote in this post is wrong.  I have since written a revision in hope of correcting it.  I am leaving the rest of this post as is since people still might find it interesting on some level.

Missy left a comment on my last post that got me thinking it would probably be worth differentiating mind-fucking from humiliation.

If I had to differentiate them, there are a few ways I would go about it.  One, I believe that all mindfucks involve humiliation, but not all humiliation is mindfucking.

Humiliation is an internal event.  It is something you feel and it is created in your own mind.  If you meet someone who is truly happy-go-lucky and carefree, they are difficult to humiliate because they are able to turn their “give-a-fuck” off, which blocks the humiliation process.

Humiliation is mostly rooted in observation and perception.  If you humiliate someone, you make an observation or perform an action that causes an internal stirring within the target.  In most cases this involves words or actions that are symbolic of something else.  Even if the action is physical, e.g. pulling down their pants in public, the act of pulling their pants down doesn’t cause them physical harm, the intent would be for them to experience the reactions from others that cause embarrassment within themselves.  As an example to how this affects individuals differently, if you can imagine pulling down the pants of someone with a 12″ horse cock, they might just stand there and act proud of their trouser-snake.  Thus, it only works when it makes someone feel uncomfortable because they have insecurity about the part of themselves that is being (figuratively) exposed.

Taking a non-physical example, announcing to a group of people that a guy truly has a 1″ when erect penis (and this is true) would be humiliating because it is unlikely that he will be comfortable admitting to that due to society’s views on masculinity and sexual performance.  This would probably be only slightly less damaging than actually getting pantsed in front of those people.
Mindfucking, on the other hand, is an active exchange in which humiliation is used to achieve a desired end.  In this case, that desired ends are increased submission and arousal from the sub and increased dominance and arousal from the dominant.  Basically, a mindfuck isn’t just humiliation, it is humiliation with a purpose.

One aspect of mindfucking is that it can be pretend.  They don’t have to be actually experienced.  They can be part of a process that puts the sub into a state of fear and embarrassment about what COULD happen.

In continuing with my example of using my blog readers as examples, yesterday Lars and slars had a pretty good example of a mindfuck that involved the fear of humiliation/embarrassment more than the actual.  Lars got slars a llama pajama onesie with a tail and then convinced her that he was going to force her to wear it to church.  The fear of this potential event is enough to send a sub spiraling through a massive array of emotions based solely upon the anticipation of humiliation.  I thought it was a pretty good mindfuck but she might beg to differ.

Going back to the example about Mr. 1″, if a Domme told him that she was going to tell everyone at a party that he had a 1″ erect penis, that would be a mindfuck.  She could build off of it by saying that if people didn’t believe her that she would make him drop his pants and show everyone as proof.  She could take it further by saying if he wasn’t erect that she would make him stroke it in front of them until it was.  She could take it further by telling him that he had to answer honestly any questions others might have and that she would answer honestly any questions they might have as well, e.g. if someone asks her if that is enough to satisfy her she would tell them no and that they needed to use other means to do so.  She could take it farther by telling him that if any of the ladies wanted to touch it, she would give them permission to.

In this scenario, nothing has actually happened but the Domme has managed to mindfuck him 5-6 times.

So… mindfucking can involve actual humiliation or merely play off the fear of humiliation.
Again, this is a skill that tends to flow naturally for a dominant and those it doesn’t appeal to often struggle to see it as part of a dynamic (they often see it as abusive).

Emotional masochism, humiliation, mindfucking, emotional sadism, etc.

My last post brought in some comments that made me realize I should make a clarifying post to better describe how the interplay works as well as where boundary lines fall. I have written quite a bit on humiliation, most recently I wrote something for Nora a while back at her request.

First off, some definitions (these won’t be thorough):

Emotional masochist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional “pain.”

Emotional sadist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from inflicting emotional “pain” on someone else.

This should be at the heart of why people engage in these activities. The emotional masochist gets turned on by it. The emotional sadist gets turned on by it. Everybody wins. This is the line between abuse and play. I am assuming it occurs in a consensual D/s environment.

It is very difficult for either party to admit to liking this. An emotional masochist may experience turmoil about it because the associated feelings aren’t “good,” but the outcome is that they feel submissive and aroused is “good.” Similarly an emotional sadist may feel like an abusive bad person for enjoying this dynamic. I file this under: “I don’t like this, but I like what it does to me.” It works.

Effective humiliation and mindfucking work in one of two ways:

1. Things you know to be true but hold out some hope that they are not true.
2. Things you know to be untrue but hold some doubt that maybe they are true.

There is one more key principle that keeps humiliation and mindfucks from being abusive: They are not rejected or dismissed because of it.

Looking at #1, imagine a 5’ tall male. He probably has a long history of being rejected for being too short (e.g. sports teams, women, etc.). The truth of it is that he is short. You can try to convince him that he isn’t short or is in fact, tall. You can try to convince him that height doesn’t matter. He already has a “truth” in his mind that is set in stone. You cannot convince him otherwise. Words that disagree with his reality sound like lies.

If you tease him about his height, anything that is consistent with his view of reality will be effective. However, choosing not to reject him for it brings about a peace that can only occur when his reality and the events going on agree in harmony and all of his fears about why it matters are placated. “I am short, she thinks it’s sad/funny but still chooses to keep me.” Basically, it validates his insecurities while keeping his fears at bay.

This example has been wholly non-sexual, so I will give some examples as to how this might work in a D/s environment.

• “I like that you are short because you don’t have to go as far to have your face between my legs.”
• “If you were taller than me, people might get confused as to who is the submissive.”
• “Having a tiny servant is convenient, it must make it easier for you to clean all those hard to reach places.”
• “I would let you be on top, but you have to be at least 6’ tall to ride this ride.”
• “I’m usually attracted to tall men, but it amuses me that you try so hard to make up for it.”

Looking at #2, I am going to use HeartsHope as an example because she has blogged about this recently. She has written about during sex or play that HD will tell her that she’s a dirty slut and occasionally will make her say it. This triggers a battle of cognitive dissonance because she doesn’t want to believe that she is a dirty slut, but the emotional turmoil turns her on, so she questions her reality and fears it may be true. By having to say it, the turmoil is increased because it validates the claim and the fear. Is she really a slut? No, she doesn’t go sleeping around with tons of people. Does it create a storm of conflicting emotions that increase arousal and submission? Yes.

Basically, these methods are a system of mind games that tap into fears and insecurities as a means of increasing the intensity of submission.

People tend to love this or hate it. You can pick up a lot about a dominant’s style based upon their enjoyment (or lack of) when it comes to humiliation and mindfucking.

I hope that this clarifies some things.

How to mindfuck me

I have had some recent conversations about the intricacies of mindfucking with people… I felt like sharing how it works for me.

I am an emotional masochist. I make no secret of it. My submissive mental space loves to swirl around in insecurity. My ego loves to be crushed beneath the heel of past trauma when wielded by a feminine hand.

I am afraid of so many things about myself. Things that scare me that they are worthy of rejection. Things that terrify me and make me afraid of being ostracized, ruined, and alone.

I have memory after memory of events that made it certain that I would never be comfortable with myself. I spent much of my life compensating. Yes, I developed skills simply to combat the fear that inadequacy will keep me lonely and miserable.

I’m afraid that my penis is messed up or inadequate. It was out of fear that I did loads of research about female sexual anatomy, convinced that understanding a woman’s sexual pleasure and with appropriate attention to detail, that I could compensate for any potential inadequacy I might have. I trained for stamina. I steeled my resolve. I pursue the female orgasm with enthusiasm, awareness, and perseverance. While I do it for her pleasure, there is always the underlying fear that I will not be enough and this motivates me to almost obsessive levels. I can do it with my hands, mouth, tongue, penis, toys, you name it. I will find a way to make it great.

It can only take one phrase to derail me and shatter my self-confidence, sending me spiraling into the depths of subspace: “It would be nice if you were bigger.” This can cascade in so many ways. It undermines my effort by pointing it out as overcompensation. It questions my manhood. It justifies chastity. It only has to be spoken once and it will be forever entrenched within me, justifying all of my fears.

What separates the mindfuck from cruelty is that I am not rejected because of it.

I’m terrified of being abandoned. My vision of a perfect lover… perfect life partner… was birthed to compensate for this fear. I will do anything to show my love. I will do anything to prove my love. I work with both actions and words. I want her to grow addicted to me and what I offer… so that she will not leave me. I learned to cook. I learned to massage. I will do anything. I will learn, practice, and perfect things in order to be “enough.” I want to be her everything.

Again, it can take only one phrase to bring my fear to the surface and space me: “It’s cute how you think your devotion makes you worthy of me.” This sets me into a panic. I can’t relax. I can’t lapse for even a moment. I can be pushed and pushed and pushed and I will frantically meet every expectation… like my life depends upon it.

I’m hesitant to share this last one because I find it embarrassing to talk about, mostly because it hits me on so many levels of insecurity, some of which are rooted in childhood trauma, others in the guilt, shame, and doubt that compounded over the years.

I’m terrified of the fact that being ordered to wear a girl’s hat and earmuffs triggers me to such a deep subspace and arouses me. For years I adopted the “tough guy” stance. To this day I don’t wear any type of hat in winter and I live in a very cold climate.

There are a number of ways to mindfuck me about this.

• I can be called a sissy. I don’t want to believe that I am one but I am afraid about it.
• I can have my masculinity called into question. This one is pretty obvious.
• I can have my sexuality called into question. This one isn’t kind but if I was secure, it shouldn’t bother me.
• It can be pointed out that the styles that trigger me are impractically girly. I don’t know a single woman that would dress in this way. This makes it even more pathetic/disgusting.
• It can be pointed out that my arousal makes me pathetic and disgusting. It’s hard to feel secure about anyone wanting me with this knowledge.
• I can be told this makes me less than a man… and less than a woman. I’m below everyone.
• I can be taken out in public (or the threat of this) and forced to see people’s reactions to me.
  I can be taken shopping for said items and forced to acknowledge if they trigger me or not.
• I can be outed (or the threat of this) to her friends and see their reactions.

All of these things drive my subspace wild on different levels. I experience massive amounts of controlled anxiety and topple deeply into space, completely helpless. It really takes very little effort.
There are more ways to mindfuck me, but if I had to prioritize things, these would be the big three.

Thoughts on Illusion

Writing my last post got me thinking a bit about things.

I chase submissive mental space as being my default persona. It is where I feel okay and at peace with myself. It is where I long to be. One of my subspace triggers is inequality. I love status differences. I love putting a woman on a pedestal. I love things being unfair in her favor. These twist me up inside and make me feel oh so submissive.

This started to bother me a bit when I was talking about FLR and I tried to figure out why that community has bothered me so badly. I’m trying to write this without being biased against the people who make it ugly… sort of like trying not to think badly of a religion because of the ugliness people carry out in its name. A lot of bloggers in that genre have rubbed me the wrong way in how aggressively dismissive they are to other people. I am trying to set those biases aside and evaluate it on its own.

The principles behind FLR work for me. But it always seems like something was missing from it: illusion.

To be honest, if a Domme were to say something like, “You will exist only for me. What you want, means nothing. What you enjoy, means nothing. You will toil for me and suffer at my hands. I am the only thing that matters,” I would probably tremble and melt into the floor. If she made it clear that my pleasure was no concern of hers and that all of my desires should be centered around her, that idea drives my subspace into a frenzy.

The hangup for me occurs because this is an illusion. It is meant to create an environment and an idealized sense of purpose and place. It is meant to enable and maintain submissive mental space by catering to subspace triggers. This illusion that she doesn’t care about me is put in place because she does care about me and about us.

This differs a lot from FLR because I feel like this would be frowned upon. This would be fake. The one-sided principle is because both want it and it doesn’t matter what form it takes. It’s not supposed to be an illusion, it’s supposed to be real. I get scared when people believe in things like that. I want to believe that when the relationship is loving that both parties will think about the other as well as the health of the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s posturing and that they actually think of it more as an illusion, I just have encountered a number of blog authors that don’t mind going around to other blogs and telling people their F/m relationships are fake.

Regardless, I will embrace the illusion and ride all of its glory through the subspace I find so fulfilling.

An Intro to F/m – Part 4

Continuation of this series… this post most closely relates to Part 2.

In M/f you will find a lot of subs that struggle with being “starved.”  That is, there aren’t enough D/s dynamics in place to consistently push them into submissive mental space and they will begin to ache for dominance.  This is most common for existing relationships that have introduced D/s at a later date where the dominant doesn’t embrace exerting control.  The consensus for dealing with this matter is to continue to keep communication lines open between dominant and sub and eventually a happy medium will be established that keeps a sub from reaching the point where they act out due to starvation.

In F/m you will find a mix of relationships that were D/s out of the gate and ones who have attempted to add D/s into an existing relationship.  In both types of relationships you will find dominants that prefer the self-motivated compliance route as well as the ones that enjoy exercising strict control.
F/m relationships involving strict control rarely end up with subs aching for dominance.  In fact, there’s actually a tendency in these situations to evolve well beyond the sub’s comfort zone, frequently reaching a point of anguish for the sub.  While this may unsettle the sub in the short run, they tend to adapt and this process repeats itself with the dominant becoming more dominant and the submissive becoming more submissive.

The compliance style is where you will find more starving subs, and again, this is more common in relationships where D/s was added to an existing relationship.  The contrasting difference in F/m is that there are severely negative views on male subs that ache.  There are also lifestyle philosophies that have been developed around this.

In the absence of a labeled philosophy, a common view of a sub craving more dominance is that the sub is being selfish.  The Domme will provide as much dominance as she cares to and should not be expected to go beyond that.  Catering to a sub’s desires is not dominant and she should not be expected to do so.  It is on the sub to find a way to manage and be grateful for what she chooses to give him rather than pine for what she doesn’t.  It isn’t really up for discussion and the sub should rid himself of any cravings.

Separately, there are philosophical movements out there that often give themselves the label of FLR, FLM, WLM, and the like that grew out of the writings of Elise Sutton, Lady Misato, and others.  Originally these ideas clashed with the BDSM principles because of the lack of consent, but as of late they have become much more popular as people have sought ways to push F/m without the kink associations.

For those who are unfamiliar with this style the concept is simple:  the woman holds absolute power and authority and is the focal point of the relationship.  She may exert any type of control she wishes without limits and the man is expected to comply to her will with absolute devotion.  He should have no desires except to make her happy.  He is expected to be selfless, motivated purely out of love, and being permitted to serve a dominant woman is the only reward he should seek or expect.   There is no need to punish because he always obeys.

She may control his finances, how he spends his free time, who he is allowed to see or interact with, and so on.  It is common that he will take care of the mundane tasks:  cooking, cleaning, chores, yard work, grocery shopping, etc.  Some male subs take to this quite well, find their groove, and flow with it in peace.

Other subs struggle with it for a number of reasons.  Most of this dominance is passive dominance.  There isn’t some great reward waiting at the end of the rainbow.  Kink is often completely absent and so it doesn’t do much to feed his fantasy desires.  The style of dominance may or may not do anything to push him into a submissive mental space.  If he aches, tough shit, this is what he wanted.  If he wants more, tough shit, this is how she does it.  If he openly desires more he is seen as fake.  If he was genuinely wanting to submit, this would be enough.

People may have mixed views upon this.  I find it difficult because it tends to only focus on things being fulfilling to the dominant and that is meant to be enough to be fulfilling to the sub as well.  It is interesting in principle but actually implementing it as a long-term lifestyle doesn’t leave a lot of room for problems that may arise or means to solve them.  I might be biased a bit negatively as a number of blogs of this nature tend to ignore or downplay the value of a sub (and I can’t tell if it is posturing or true belief).

This is another one of the differences between M/f and F/m where there isn’t much crossover.

Thoughts on Starting Over

I can’t help but be envious of those who have been able to share all of their D/s experiences with a single partner.  I’m also envious of those who have been deemed desirable enough by the world at large to know that they find vanilla relationships unfulfilling in comparison.  Over the course of my life I cannot say that either of those scenarios were in the cards for me.

While my kinks were determined by a number of early experiences, much of my submissive outlook and mindset were crafted during years of loneliness and repeated rejection.  Looking back I find it almost comical that my pursuit of actualizing my ideal vision of a lover created the foundation of what would become my submission.

Circumstances have forced me to start over and over, keeping me readily aware of of the D/s “climate” on the F/m front.  It is incredibly difficult to find an available Domme that is looking for a life partner.  The majority of the subs that find one don’t squander the opportunity.  The end result is that most of the opportunities are with newer Dommes.

I’m not opposed to newer Dommes.  Two of my three relationships were with Dommes who hadn’t been in the role for more than a year and I was their first serious submissive.  In some ways it probably works out better.  Veteran Dommes often find it easier to work with relatively inexperienced subs that they can shape into their perfect match.  Newer Dommes still have a lot to experience, and while they still have a good part of the learning curve left, their style of dominance is still a work in progress and they are often more flexible in what they are looking for.  While neither of these are set in stone rules, they are just my observations that I have made over the years.

There is often a lot of talk about fit and kink overlap.  I tend to look for a personal connection under my naive belief that love can conquer all.

However, love requires being given a chance.  I find dating to be like… the most terrifying thing on the planet.  I’m not pretty enough.  When I get nervous, I talk too much.  I have this need to act with pure motives, so I am terrified to approach anyone without having a genuine reason.

On the D/s side, I’m worried that I will seem way too fucked up for someone.  I already know that my kinks area kind of out there.  I know that my desired level of submission is a bit too intense for many (and is currently “out of style” with what is popular).  I’ve always been prepared to make significant compromises.  I’m ultimately adaptable… probably because I care more about being able to love someone than about any act or activity.

While there are a handful of “deal breakers” for me, I believe most of them are reasonable for someone seeking a long-term monogamous relationship.  There is one breaker out there though that I have come to and it’s something that wasn’t really a factor for my first 10+ years in the lifestyle, and that is the idea of Dommes that don’t care about their sub’s submissive mental space.  Years ago this seemed more like the exception… but more recently it has become a trend… and it is a trend that follows a philosophy… which makes it into a belief… and beliefs don’t change much once established.

There are a lot of things that I love to do.  There are other things that I don’t care to do, but willingly do them.  Submissive mental space is often the bridge that turns those less desirable activities into extremely fulfilling activities.  I don’t NEED it, but it makes everything feel a lot more pleasant.  The idea that my submission and service are cheapened by desiring to be in subspace doesn’t sit that well with me.  It’s not like I won’t comply without it, it’s more that it makes a lot of life feel better.  I would think that the one I love would wish to grant me that favor.

Ideally I would find a Domme that enjoys pressing me into subspace and keeping me there.  I would like it to bring her joy to know that I can be easily twisted and manipulated in that way and cannot resist her.  I know that this is an unpopular sentiment these days.  It doesn’t change me from desiring it.

"Going Deep"

“Going Deep” is a phrase I have used quite a bit lately in discussions.  It’s a bit of a reference to the idea of submissive mental space as a swimming pool, but I think I used the term before I had come up with a metaphor… because it described what I felt.  It seems that when I use this phrase that people either have no idea what I’m talking about or they nod and get it completely.

This is not to say that “going deep” makes someone superior/inferior, as it is actually describes a characteristic that some people have that allow them to lose themselves, let go, and be swallowed up by D/s.  It requires a lot of trust and an environment conducive to getting there, but it is a state where rational thoughts and fears get replaced by the overwhelming emotions and momentary feelings that occur during deep submissive mental space.

While the emotions feel incredibly vulnerable and overwhelming, there is also a calmness to them… an acceptance that doesn’t really surface at other times.  I have often described the mindset as reaching total surrender.  It overrides fight or flight.  It overrides logic and sense.  It is just sort of a state of being.

You don’t resist your station.  You embrace it and accept your place.  It feels very soothing to know exactly where you belong.  It feels very safe to know exactly what is expected of you.  While you might not like everything that is presented to you, it is not your place to defy.  You roll with it… you adapt… you become pliable, flexible, and fluid.  You exist to serve a function… even if that function breaks you.  You feel good when you have performed what was necessary of you.  You feel bad when you fail to do so.  Morality in this setting revolves around the will of the dominant.  Right = what the dominant wants, finds pleasing, etc.   Wrong = what the dominant doesn’t want, finds displeasing, etc.

It can be hard for people who have not experienced this to understand.  It can be hard for them to witness or read about intense dynamics that require this state.  They want to ask the sub, “why would you put up with that?”  “How could you let them do that?” “How do you handle that?”

The answers to these questions for a sub in that mental space is that, those questions don’t even cross their mind.  They exist to endure.  They exist to serve a function.  They exist to be pleasing.  There is no “self” left that has an opinion that holds any real value.  There is no “self” left with enough will to state any form of defiance.  It’s not that they cannot say, “no,” it is that the mind doesn’t even perceive “no” as an option.

It is actually more common for people to experience glimpses of this or brief periods of this mental space before ever being able to immerse within it.  It is actually quite scary for both parties.  The sub may fear losing themselves that deeply and what that could lead to.  The dominant may be worried if they pushed the sub there unintentionally.

For years I had wondered what is the separating factor between subs that can reach this state and those that cannot.  I have been able to meet a handful of subs that are able to go this deep and experience a total loss of self and all of them (us) seem to have something in common and it leads me to believe that this is a learned behavior.  We have all been at some point pushed to an incredible level of emotional stress where we were truly helpless in regards to the outcome.  In these cases, our psyches were pushed so far that they “broke” and found it easier to surrender and accept what was happening than to resist and deal with reality.

This becomes a bit of a coping mechanism that can manifest itself in D/s.  When pushed hard enough, we slip into surrender and acceptance.

I know a lot of people who have stated that they do not wish to reach this point.  They always want to maintain their sense of self.  This is wise.  The subs that lose self generally were that way before engaging in consensual D/s.  Those who have not been “broken” are better off remaining intact.

If you read a lot of this and found yourself nodding along, recalling the feelings that you have experienced it, this is also the mental state known as slavespace.

An Intro to F/m – Part 3

Blah blah, follow up to Part 1 and Part 2, stuff, disclaimers, reasons.
This is the last of these I intend to write unless people have ideas for additional topics.  The intent isn’t to bring up every possible F/m scenario, but more to illustrate some of the common concepts of the lifestyle.

This last section banks heavily upon a concept that I have written about in the past and called, Progressive Escalation.  Progressive escalation is the idea that as time passes, that the intensity of D/s dynamics will increase.  Dominants will become more dominant.  Submissives will become more submissive.  What once felt like a rush becomes boring and so you push the envelope into new territory to bring back the same level of excitement.  Most of the time when you encounter a couple that practices dynamics that have you thinking, “OMG HOW COULD THEY DO THIS??? IT’S SO MEAN!”, they have been together for quite a while.  Often it takes several years for them to hit their first plateau, but the dulling of activities and desire to take things deeper gets more and more common the farther you go.

With that in mind, it’s tough to judge a couple who have been practicing D/s for 15 years through the lens of a newbie because it is impossible to see the trust, love, and connection that has developed over years.  It is impossible to know how things grew to that point without seeing the full story.  Isolated events don’t show the progression from point A to B to C to now and so on.
Don’t get me wrong, you will find accounts of things getting VERY intense.  They aren’t for the faint of heart.  They aren’t for the newbies.  What you always have to remember is that most of these dynamics are happily consensual.

You will find male subs that haven’t had an orgasm in 5 years.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what orgasm denial does for his submission.

You will find male subs that are forced to wear women’s clothing around the house, do all of the cooking, cleaning, and chores.  They are often kept chaste and occasionally the Domme will take on another male bull who has a bigger penis and greater sexual endurance and force her sub to suck his semen from her.  The sub may be punished for even the slightest infraction.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what this does for the relationship and his submission.

I was going to write more examples, but honestly, I think the second one encompassed like half the stuff that freaks people out at once.

Most F/m relationships still retain a level of respect.  They almost certainly maintain an intense shared love.  Both parties are often supremely happy.  There may be dynamics that make a lot of people cringe.  Humiliation and degradation don’t appeal to all.  Some may get there over time.  Others never will.

Time changes everything.  That weekly maintenance spanking may seem so huge at the start.  After a year, it probably doesn’t feel quite the same.  A lot of people also haven’t seen what a dominant, fully confident and with their sadism unleashed, is capable of evolving to over time.  That growth wouldn’t have been possible without the love, support, and submission of a loving sub.
Dommes don’t add more rules and crank up the dominance because they hate their sub.  Dommes add more rules and crank up the dominance because they love their sub and their sub loves it too.   Sometimes, it’s just not very easy to see how it got to there.

An Intro to F/m – Part 2

Blah blah blah, follow up to Part 1 disclaimers and stuff.

In F/m, similar to M/f, you will find a variety of styles of dominance.  Well, there are actually probably fewer styles of dominance in F/m.  Mommies make up  such an astronomically small percentage of Dommes that you can almost pretend like they don’t exist, and thus, there aren’t really any reference to MD/lb dynamics.  You won’t find much in the way of brat tamers either.  Very few Dommes will tolerate bratty male subs. You will find very few male pets in F/m.  Basically, if you can picture a Domme asking, “so… what’s in it for me?”, it probably doesn’t exist or occurs in such small numbers that it appears to be nonexistent.

For the most part, you can separate Dommes into two primary styles of dominance (and this works similarly for male Doms from my experiences).  I wrote about this in Accountable? but basically, there are dominants that like to have loads of rules, protocols, and punishments and dominants that want to have the bare minimum of those things (if at all) and expect the sub to be able to comply on their own.  To try to summarize it more simply, the first type truly enjoys exercising control.  The second type prefers self-motivated compliance.

One major aspect that tends to happen regardless of type is that male subs should expect to lose their sexual freedom.  Most Dommes will want to regulate and control a sub’s orgasms right out of the gate.  This may involve simple self-control, but may also lead to chastity, ruined orgasms, and milking.  Male subs drop out of submissive mental space when they achieve an orgasm and it may take them up to several days to reach the same level of attentiveness as they did pre-orgasm.  Since this may be undesirable, it is quite common for Dommes to severely limit the frequency of a sub’s orgasms.

Another big difference with F/m is that a lot of the dominance is more passive in nature than M/f.  A lot of it revolves around pampering and requires more service-oriented submission.  It is common for a Domme to take great pleasure in having their sub on hand to give them foot rubs, back rubs, or neck rubs.  She may want him to paint her finger or toe nails and in some cases, have him learn to give manicures or pedicures.  She may want him to wait on her, give her oral pleasure whenever she wants it, and take care of any task she may give him.  He may wash her body in a bath, brush her hair, and do a lot of things that cater more to a Domme’s love of adoring attention moreso than whips and chains.  That isn’t to say that play doesn’t happen, it’s just that a lot more of the lifestyle tends to revolve around dominance and submission that occurs outside of the bedroom.

Another common factor that is very popular in F/m but often is very hit or miss in M/f, is the idea of symbolic dominance.  Many Dommes really enjoy rituals, body/foot worship, queening, CFNM, and the like that empower her with a sense of status and entitlement.  These often serve as turn-ons and create an environment that appeals to her emotional arousal and her dominance.  Do you NEED to have a sub kneeling naked on the floor, prostrated with his forehead pressed to the floor and his arms extended above him?  No, but making him hold that position might ignite something inside of her so she makes him do it.

I guess what I’m getting at is that there are some differences between M/f and F/m, but not in the ways that porn might portray them to be.

An Intro to F/m – Part 1

This is by no means meant to be any sort of comprehensive guide to F/m, mostly just some thoughts and bits of info that should help to inform people in M/f a few of the differences between M/f and F/m.  I received a lot of support in response to my last post.  I am grateful for it.  I feel like there are people who would be curious about this.  I know several bloggers have been reading and writing about the idea of the Warrior Princess sub lately, and this post should carry some similar themes.
What I am going to write here covers many F/m relationships.  I’m not going to make any claims it covers all.  I’m also not going to cover my ass and say that this is “just my own view,” as this is a combination of my own experiences and a composite of the people I have known both in real life, blogs, and the internet over the years.

There are very few “weak” male submissives living the F/m lifestyle.  One of the favorite comparisons of F/m relationships is that of a Queen and her knight.  That is, a strong and capable male that swears his obedience to the lady in power.  This creates an interesting dynamic because a weak and pathetic knight is not desirable.  In most cases the male sub is confident, capable, and motivated in his vanilla life but submissive to  his Domme at home.

This differs greatly from the stereotype that seems to plague people.  That is, a hateful woman who brutalizes and degrades some pathetic and helpless male.  This apparently makes better porn for some because a lot of the dynamics of lifestyle F/m don’t portray well “on film.”  The dynamic isn’t about bullying the weak, it is about holding power over and controlling the strong.

I have had conversations on this before with one of my favorite Domme bloggers and she absolutely loves the fact that while her husband may be physically stronger than she is, that he completely submits to her will.  The stronger, more intelligent, and more driven the male, the greater the pleasure a Domme may take in having him under her thumb.

This has complete consent.  He chooses to serve her.  She chooses to hold power over him.  The more capable he is, the more powerful she feels and the greater value she places upon him.  Most Dommes seek out “worthy” subs.

Most male subs carry a dichotomy within them.  Their public persona may very well appear alpha.  At home, their submissive persona comes to the surface.  They frequently will find themselves switching gears between the two.

I think one of the reasons that submissive mental space and vanilla space end up being so clearly defined to myself as a sub male and for many sub males is that it’s so very obvious.  At work you might be sipping at the water cooler talking about last night’s football game.  At home you might be kneeling and giving her a foot rub while wearing nothing but a collar.

There is no “natural order” here.  When you practice F/m it is a choice for both parties.  Even if a couple decides to practice some form of neo-feminism as their ideal, the reality of it is that the male could rise up and overpower her, but he chooses not to, and in turn, makes the dynamic complete by surrendering himself to her will.

Thoughts on my place

I’ve found myself feeling cloudy-headed and in an increasingly irritable mood lately.  Usually I look for some sort of critical point where things tipped for the worse.  In this case, I’m finding none of those things.  This is a case of erosion.

I’ve been blogging for a long time.  A really long time.  I’ve had friendships made through blogging come and go over the years.  There are a couple of people that I have gotten very close to through this medium.  I’ve had many more fall by the wayside.  My original purpose for blogging was to come to terms with my identity in D/s.  It wasn’t long before things shifted.  I began to write about my thoughts and the things I cared about in the lifestyle.  I began to explore ideas and things I was curious about through words.  I searched for answers to questions.  I has been a lot of fun.

At some point I found that what I mostly do is teach.  People that were eager to learn would find me.  Other times I would stumble upon those in need of guidance.  I like to talk about the ideas that aren’t covered in guides or recited as cliches anywhere you find BDSM on the web. I like to find the magical formulas that make D/s successful (e.g. if communication and consent were enough, almost everyone would be golden, right?). When you have been around the block as many times as I have, you have seen pretty much everything at least once. It makes me feel good to impart what I have learned to others when it will help them. It gives me a sense of purpose while D/s doesn’t exist in my life. Things had been going pretty well on that front recently.

What has been wearing me down isn’t something I can articulate easily. The “scene” I am currently immersed in is not my natural habitat. People have bee accepting of me and open to my ideas but there are times when topics come up that just make me feel off and/or out of place.

The past few times I have hopped in with groups it has been similar. I am the token male sub. The first task is always to break down the stereotypes of F/m. Dommes aren’t raging man-haters that abuse the hell out of some poor soul that shouldn’t even be there in the first place. I don’t even know where this idea comes from. I still end up having to overcome it. A lot of people end up feeling naive that they didn’t understand that D/s is D/s, regardless of if it’s M/f or F/m. Flipping the slash doesn’t make relationships non-loving or miserable.

Once the stereotypes are broken it’s a lot easier to talk about things in a mutually-understood way… for a while. There is a period of connection, friendship building, and camaraderie that feels great. I feel like I belong. That feeling is rare for me. Over time, things inevitably start to eat away at me because of numerous reminders that my role is not perceived as legitimate. This is rarely if ever thrown in my face intentionally. It is rarely blatant. I doubt people even realize they are doing it.
Before I go any farther I do want to mention that I’m debating not posting this. I don’t want to come off as some “whoa is me whiner” with thin skin looking for someone to play a violin for the depressing emo-boy. It took me days to recognize that this is legitimately affecting me in a negative way and not just some downswing in mood. I also don’t mean for this to guilt trip anyone. If anything, I just want people to be aware of it and that it does have an impact.

There are ideas that perpetuate that are really ugly. They are ideas that in any other arena, people would be offended by them. For some reason in M/f, it’s easy for people to believe that this is the correct orientation. Men dominate, women submit. People make these statements. They nod and agree. They will talk about how equality was ruining their marriage and now that the man has taken charge, the woman realizes what a bitch she has been and obviously needed to be dominated. This is the natural order and now everything is perfect. Feminism is destroying the world. They nod and agree.

I sit back and shake my head. D/s isn’t a perfect substitute for maturity. I think in many cases when people take responsibility in their roles they mature. I think this maturing could have been done without D/s. I think people can choose who they want to be instead of just following baser emotions. When people enact D/s they choose who they want to be sometimes for the first time in a long time. I don’t think this has anything to do with natural order. I think it has everything to do with people truly trying to understand the one that they love and what will make them truly happy. This can happen without D/s even if D/s was their vehicle for finding it.

I shouldn’t have to explain why the sexist nature of the common view bothers me. I’ve ranted about it before. I will simply make a comparison statement. If a man said that women shouldn’t be CEOs or in hold government office because men are better take charge leaders, many people would get pretty damn offended. Very few people would nod and agree.

The other factor is at the core of what wears me down. If M/f is the natural order, then I am an abomination. I shouldn’t exist. My existence becomes trivialized. If people really see my role and existence as real, they could not and would not make those types of sexist statements, nor agree with them. They would probably get offended.

If someone truly sees me and accepts me, they would not even think those things.

I’m not really going to take this any farther as anything more I could say is only beating a dead horse. What I can say is that experiencing weeks of this has worn me down and I feel unnerved. It doesn’t feel good. A Domme friend of mine told me that she thinks it’s easier for a man to come out as gay than to come out as submissive. I’ve agreed with her since I read that statement the first time and still agree with it now.

Hopefully I didn’t piss anyone off by writing this. If so, I apologize in advance as it wasn’t my intent.

Accountable?

The idea of accountability is one of the most polarizing topics in lifestyle D/s.  In many ways, I see it as one of the great dividing lines that says a lot about a style of dominance.  While accountability may not be the first thing you think of when it comes to D/s, a dominant’s views on accountability often reflect a lot in the way that lifestyle dynamics are arranged.  I will try to illustrate approximations of each view in order to contrast them.

1. This type of dominant wants to hold the sub accountable for anything and everything.  They want to load them up with protocols, rules, and rituals, and will carefully monitor them on every front.  Holding the sub accountable means they intend to punish them for failing to meet standards.  It is common for subs to fantasize about this type of dominant.
2. This type of dominant thinks the sub should hold themselves accountable.  If an instruction or rule is given that is easy to follow, they will expect the sub to hold themselves accountable and see it through without the threat of punishment.  Constant monitoring of simple things is tedious and annoying, adults should be able to adult.  I know that there are a lot of dominants that feel this way about a lot of things.

In a perfect world, this wouldn’t be a problem because everyone would be able to find a dom/sub that matches their preferences and everyone lives happily ever after.  Sadly, our world is far from perfect and you will find numerous cases where D/s relationships crashed and burned because they could not find a happy medium that worked for both dominant and submissive on this front.

It pretty much falls to the sub to adapt when the types don’t match up.  In most cases, this doesn’t go very well.

Why do we D/s?

We all enter the lifestyle for our own reasons.  In the blogosphere, internet, and local communities you will tend to find that the reasons that people choose the lifestyle often end up being the “bonding” factor for people.  That is, people look more closely at those who got their along a similar path.  While that creates a shared sense of empathy and often similar experiences in traversing the successes and mistakes we inevitably make along the way, it can also paint a false sense of understanding.  “Since we are all this way, this is the right way.”  It’s easy to now picture a thousand voices in unison yelling, “there is no one right way.”  I hate BDSM cliches so much because I feel like they are easy to say, easy to be offended if someone challenges them in any way, but very difficult for people to see when they aren’t actually acting upon the spirit behind the idea.

At its core, D/s is kink.  We can justify it in a thousand ways and had a thousand ways of getting here, but really, it is kink.  Its basis is an idea of consensual inequality that yields mutual pleasure for the involved parties.  We need it, love it, and want it because… it gets us off.  I know there are people that may want to light me on fire and pitchfork my still beating heart out from my chest for trying to put it so simply, but I make no apologies for this belief, nor do I care to try to hide behind them.   It may do a hundred other things for us as well, like give us confidence, make us behave less selfishly, think more about others, grow as humans, uphold our sense of responsibility, cater to a loved one, and so on, but the truth is we do not need D/s to do any of those things.

I do not need to be submissive to make the one that I love feel loved, valued, and cherished.  If I could only do that “as a submissive,” I would be a pretty poor lover.  The same goes for a dominant.  While D/s provides us a vehicle to connect on deeper levels than we may have in our vanilla lives, it isn’t the only vehicle to do so.  We COULD have connected without it, we just didn’t.
This is where the “how we got here” part of things begins to diverge quite a bit.  I read plenty of happy D/s blogs.  The majority of them fall into one of two categories:

1. The relationship began as consensual D/s or it was added very early on.
2. An originally vanilla relationship where we get a view into their lives like 10+ years into their D/s progression long after both parties have fully embraced their roles.

What is absent in most of these blogs is the need to justify D/s beyond what it is.  It is the life they choose to lead and find happy and mutually fulfilling.  If anyone needs reasons beyond happiness and being fulfilled, I strongly suggest they remove the long stick from their ass, as it makes life a lot more enjoyable.  We like it and it makes us happy.  Boom. Best reasons ever.

By contrast, I have found that the blogs that seem filled with the greatest struggles, the most anguish, the consistent communication failures, self-doubts, and unclear expectations are those that try to justify D/s in a large number of ways.  They often go above and beyond citing dozens of reasons about how it is definitely NOT about the kink.  Don’t talk about it, don’t say it, don’t even think it.  It is for every reason you can think of except for the kink.  We are not doing it for mutual pleasure and happiness.  We are doing it for principles that one of us read somewhere and decided to adopt them.

I’m sure that painting it in this way might seem biased, but that is how things appear to me when I see people making such a passionate case for D/s with such a massive need to justify it without talking about kink, or worse, writing kink off like it shouldn’t even be there in the first place.  In most cases, I find this happens when one party has interest in D/s and their partner does not.  This is most often an existing relationship where the submissive tries to sell their vanilla partner on being dominant.  They play up the merits and sell D/s as a lifestyle that is all about the principles and benefits with no ulterior motives or additional needs.  Much of the time this doesn’t work very well.  Someone’s needs very likely will go unmet (or severely underfed).

This is often where a lot of sexist logic or dogma comes in and I’m not a huge fan of involving sexism in D/s.  Nothing automatically makes someone a good dominant.  Nothing automatically makes someone a good submissive.  The problem with this approach is that it removes consent in some cases, and in other, it allows people to accept a role without enough knowledge of the responsibilities it entails.   I find the large majority of unhappy D/s blogs seem to resemble these case.

Returning to happy land, there is another interesting aspect of successful D/s.  While I feel that at the core of D/s lies kink, nurturing a successful and sustainable D/s relationship does turn its eyes away from a kink-focus.  Part of becoming comfortable with your role is seeing how your inner drive, desires, and responsibility to your partner begin to interact.  You want to feel more submissive so you begin to feed yourself by becoming someone that is more selfless.  The dominant wants to provide the right dynamics and environment for the relationship so they begin to act more inwardly focused yet still keep their sub’s needs in their mind at all times.  Basically, they act selfish in order to actually be generous. This relationship is symbiotic and very beautiful when it works.

I don’t really have a point in all of this but I wanted to put a reminder out there that D/s is supposed to feel good.  It’s supposed to be fun, exhilarating, and bring loads of mutual pleasure and fulfillment.  D//s doesn’t create the love that is there: you have to want that on its own.

Blocked

For those who have followed me for a while, you will probably remember at least one time where I have described myself as feeling “blocked.”  The coincides with a decreased number of posts and fewer of those posts reflecting my own personal feelings.  I refer to this state as blocked because what is going on is that something is preventing me from readily accessing my deeper feelings, and most notably, my ability to enter the vulnerable emotional state where the feelings behind my submission reside.

In most cases there is a definite cause.  e.g. a bad fight with T, my depression setting in, etc.  Other times it is a prolonged period of minor disruptions to my world that gradually wear me down.  When it happens in the slow way it will often take me a while to pinpoint what has changed and led to this.  I had been feeling this way for about a week and trying different methods of reconnecting with myself, often with the help of those who are close to me.  I finally got to the bottom of it last night.
What I am about to write will probably make very little sense to some people but I will try to describe it as best I can.  Lately I have felt too comfortable with myself.  People have been too supportive, too accepting, and too kind.  My submissive side was born of pain and rejection.  It was nurtured by being made to feel “safe,” but not “good.”

Praise or encouragement for the things that I do, the things that I write, the help and support that I may provide, etc. are okay.  Unconditional acceptance for who I am rather than for what I do… is foreign to me.  I’m not used to it.  It actually makes me feel a little uneasy inside.  It conflicts with my perceived reality.  I’m screwed up.  Slowly I start to acclimate.  I start to believe with my rational mind.  You would think that this would help me.

The words actually remove me from my vulnerable self.  They feed my alpha.  They create a fragile and precarious balance.  They feel like niceties fed to me and create an artificial sense of comfort.  I feel like a kid with one leg being told he can be a professional soccer player.  Do I dare believe?
My damaged heart does not.  It walls off in lieu of wishful thinking.  I appreciate the people that try to build me up.  I wish I could respond to it like a “normal” person would.

Last night a good friend of mine did me a very large favor.  She was honest with me.  It took work.  It took prodding.  The words were blunt.  “What a sad broken little man who has to wear that to get aroused.”  These ripped down my walls and pierced deeply into my truest self.  The result was a sense of peace while I plummeted into my subspace, surrounded by my vulnerabilities and swimming within the feelings that resonate so deeply within me.  This is my truth.  This is the truth behind the faces.  This is what is spoken behind closed doors.  This is what is spoken in my absence.  What a rare treat it is to experience this level of honesty.  I was thankful for her words.

Accepting myself was accepting my truth.  It was not convincing myself of something false, it was accepting what is the truth.  I am not afraid to face it.  In fact, by facing it I feel real.  Those who accept me as a sad broken little man are those who I hold dearest.  You make me feel safe without trying to convince me of something that I am not.  Through this I felt unblocked.

Controlling the Narrative

The feedback on a recent post on Labels as well as a discussion with some blogging friends got me thinking about the role that labels have played in my life in the world of BDSM.  It seems that most people do not like feeling constrained by the limits that labels impose or imply.  I can understand that point of view.

I have a slightly different view upon labels, not because I necessarily enjoy them, but because I look at them pragmatically.  Just because we wish to avoid labels doesn’t mean that we will avoid being labeled.  The people we encounter will generate their own labels for us, whether they be good or bad.  However, I find that by labeling ourselves it gives us some power to “control the narrative.”  That is, when we provide ourselves with a label, however general or specific it may be, it sets the initial tone for how they will perceive us that may be better than what they may have drawn on their own.

An easy example is if someone labels themselves a “brat,” this provides a basic lens to view us through.  Without such a label in mind, an outside audience may draw other interpretations and labels from recounted events, such as a SAM (smart-ass masochist), someone that tops from the bottom/tries to manipulate, etc.  “Brat” gives a more clear idea that someone’s defiance may be part of a push/pull dynamic that both dominant and submissive find enjoyable, and ideally tempers the reader against forming negative judgments.

What I have found over the years is that people who are the most comfortable with labels are the ones who have had to explain themselves… repeatedly… over and over… to nearly everyone.  “Just give me one word that sums most of it up so that I don’t have to try to make someone understand every time I meet someone.”  Rarely does anyone rigidly conform to a label, so of course there is some explanation of some of the finer details that inevitably must be done, but that’s a lot easier to do when you can say one word and that gives at least a general impression of what you are about.  You will find that littles and gentle doms often have very little trouble giving themselves a label.  This is also frequently true for slaves, pain sluts, and exhibitionists.

It is common to find greater reluctance when people do not embrace their label.  A “do me” sub doesn’t want to be labeled as a “do me” sub.  A sadist often does not want to think of themselves as a sadist.

Part of my uneasiness comes from having experience with strictly controlling my narrative for the past decade.  The “sissy” label I carried with me was a source of constant anguish.  Hell, it is the reason I started blogging in the first place, as an attempt to come to terms with something I didn’t want to accept.  Accepting the label helped me get used to the prejudices and unavoidable judgments.  There was some solace in knowing what to expect.  Realizing that label was incorrect feels very different.

Right now I feel uncertain on how to control my narrative.  It’s a loss of control that I am not accustomed to.  Thankfully the supportive environment that is in place around me makes it less bothersome.  That being said, it will probably continue to haunt me until I understand my new narrative.

Thoughts on Labels and Identity

I know that a lot of people want to shy away from labels.  They don’t want to be contained by a set of characteristics that constrain them. I tend to agree.  When you are in the midst of a relationship with active D/s, it is important to find your own way.  You find what works in a practical way and this frequently requires breaking away from set conventions and definitions.

Things are a bit different when you are not actively practicing D/s.  When faced with starting over, your labels become you.  They become your identity unless people decide to delve deeper.  Without labels, you are nothing that people are looking for.  The labels are necessary to serve as the starting point… the filter.

I find myself confused without a firm grasp of my labels.  10+ years of understanding just vanished for me.  This was 10+ years of being able to explain myself, describe myself, and have a fairly accurate idea of how people perceive me.  I feel kind of naked.  Understanding myself has always given me confidence.  Being able to share how the parts of myself work has given me peace of mind.  Currently I just feel a bit… lost.

I want to write more but I’m feeling a bit… out of touch with myself.  Until I find the new edges and boundaries of myself, I fear this will continue.  What I want has not changed… but the reasons why have become drastically different.

I know the understanding will come with time… and getting over this cold will help clear my head to figure things out.  I just wish it was happening sooner and in a way that was more familiar to me.