Thoughts on Degradation

I find that degradation is one of the most polarizing topics in all of D/s.  There are a huge number of people that hate it.  The majority of people who crave it tend to be mostly male subs. While there are female subs as well as male and female dominants that do enjoy degradation, they tend to be the exception and not the rule.

Degradation also tends to be disproportionately represented in Femdom porn.  That is, the percentage of porn including it far outnumbers the percentage of people who actually partake in it.  That being said, those who do partake in it tend to love it and live for it.

The reasons not to do it are fairly clear.  People want to love and respect their partner.  Even if they practice D/s, there is a certain status they do not want the sub to fall below.  This seems to be as much for the dominant as it is for the submissive: they do not want to choose an inferior lover/life partner and degrading them makes it seem that way.  Degradation is also a tough pill to swallow when it comes to dominant guilt.  People don't like the idea of making someone else feel bad, even if that bad is also good.

With that in mind, I tend to wonder why this ends up being such a hot button topic.  The people who are against degradation tend to be very vocal in their opposition of it.  When I try my best to envision their perspective and I keep coming back to the same answers.  One possibility is that they are morally opposed to it.  It can't be both "real" and "consensual" and goes against their D/s philosophy.  The other possibility that may very well have influenced the other part is that male subs that crave degradation are also often the one-handed typists that project their fetishes onto others and may frequently contact Dommes and try to get them to engage in fetish role-play of this sort.  The end result is an absolute souring on the idea of it so that it goes beyond a "your kink is not my kink" situation and turns into a "damn, the people who want this are total douche bags," thing.

I struggle a bit to give myself honest feelings on this topic because I have been programmed to avoid it.  Truthfully, I love the concept of status inequality.  It drives my submissive mental space wild.  It gets pushed to its maximum when it happens in both directions, e.g. when it is emphasized just how far above me that she is and it is also emphasized just how far below her that I am.  They aren't the same thing.

If people wish to remain ethically and morally safe, it is much easier to build a dominant up and exaggerate how much more important they are than the average person.  This falls within the realm of compliments that are individualized to them and a bit of behaving as if people are not equal and it is important to treat our "betters" with respect and reverence.

Degradation falls on the other side.  It's sort of interesting because I think that mild forms of degradation happen quite frequently.  If a dominant says, "remember your place," it is a phrase meant to humble a sub and let them know that their words or actions are not consistent with their position.  It reminds a sub that their position is inferior and they do not carry the freedom to express themselves in the same way that ordinary people do.  I don't think people view, "remember your place" as degrading, but that is exactly what it is.  I know a number of subs that respond favorably with their submissive mental space to this phrase.

It is a fine edge to balance upon... the concept that "I am above you and you must obey me" and "you are below me and you must obey me" are actually different things.  It seems that people tend to use them interchangeably when the implications are mild.  It goes south for many as soon as the sub starts being called a worm or a maggot and some expulsion of bodily fluids displays the dominant's contempt (spit, urine, etc.).  Honestly, those stereotypes are such an extreme example that the actual message gets lost.

I don't think that it is bad or wrong for a dominant to consensually define a sub's status relative to the dominant or the sub's place in the pecking order.  I find it quite appealing actually and erotic.  However, the concept of deciding what a sub is worth and how much value they have is incredibly degrading.  Does that make it bad?  Not inherently.  There are plenty of ways that this can lead to an enjoyable and rewarding dynamic.  I think too often the term gets equated with abuse and/or philosophical ideals that clash with the concept.

They're Here

One of them arrived late but they are here:

A little lonesome

One of the hard parts of serving as a mentor or teacher is that once people grow beyond the need for you, that contact inevitably fades.  When the topics that were once the center of the connection are no longer relevant, I struggle with feeling like I’ve fallen out of place.

In some ways this is my own fault.  I tend to cycle through interests, with one serving as the primary at any given time.  Normally I would have something going on like a show to watch, a book I am reading, a guitar I am in pursuit of, a video game I’m completing, etc.  Right now my hobby is blogging and its related interactions.  Sadly, this doesn’t give me a lot to really talk about… outside of the topics that are going on for myself or what the people I am close to write about.  It doesn’t really leave a lot of “extra material” for me to talk about.

This is one of those times where I feel a little lonesome.

My Needs vs. Desires

If you view BDSM as a part of your sexuality it becomes a bit blurry to try and evaluate what is a need and what is a desire.  As my mind drifts deeper into submission over the years, I find myself seeing fewer things as needs and more things as desires.  I also find myself feeling more guilty about wanting my desires to happen but more certain about wanting my needs to be met.

My needs have become fairly simple:

1. I need to know that I am loved.
2. I need to feel my submission respond to dominance

I don't consider this to be a very tall order.  I have to believe that a Domme I am with will feel okay with making sure these needs are met.

Just about everything else I now view as a desire.  Desires are optional, but it is nice if they happen.  That being said, they do not NEED to happen.  My sexual pleasure falls into this category.  My dignity falls into this category.  My leisure time falls into this category.  My freedom and independence also fall into the land of desires.

In most D/s relationships, I wouldn't have to worry too much about these desires being met.  Most of them would probably happen a lot of the time.  This is healthy.  This is the way relationships "should" be.  At the same time I feel a bit guilty for "wanting things" that do not directly benefit a dominant in some way.  I feel guilty for wanting anything beyond being pleasing to her and my own needs. 

I scare myself because I find myself drifting deep into the "what if?" realm.  What if my desires became truly optional?  It isn't that hard to envision a sadist wishing to deprive me of my desires and using it as domspace fuel.  Even if the specific topic in question does nothing for her, the act of depriving a sub of what they want may do something. It isn't too hard to picture this.  I can see a dynamic where the pleasure of serving her and having my needs met become my "rewards."  What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be "gained" out of granting me my desires?

The prospect of this drives my submissive mental space absolutely berserk.  This is when I start to wonder why my penis has shit for brains.  At the same time I wonder, "what if?"  Would this make me miserable in reality or would the depth of subspace overwhelm me and help me thrive?

The "what if?" tugs at me... and makes me wonder if I am stupid to even think about this or if there is a chance that I would end up with this sort of sadist at some point.   In any case, I can't help but be scared at how far my brain goes down the rabbit hole.

Evolving Views

I was thinking a bit about how my D/s views have changed since I started blogging back in 2010.  One of the biggest changes I can trace back to 2016, when Lady Grey recommended that I write in a more personal voice.  Before that, the majority of my writing had been of a more detached nature:  educational, informative, conceptual, comparative, etc.

I kept a lot of feelings bottled up as I hadn't really healed up from a lot of the pain of losing K until I wrote my Reflections sets of posts and faced a lot of my trauma and sadness head on.  You might say that was the first time I really had the courage to expose myself openly on my blog.  Since then, I have had very little trouble sharing openly and I have to say that it significantly changed the tone of my posts.

I no longer sound like I'm trying to sell something.

Another factor is that when writing from a more personalized viewpoint is that it's easier for me to call myself out on my own bullshit.  Many of my views have shifted to be more practical and real in that way, with less posturing, less idealism, etc.

One of the scary things is that my personal desires and ideals keep on evolving.

It's interesting how they have evolved beyond what I would recommend for others. I may talk about that more today.

Chastity Ramblings November Edition

As I was doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon and signed back up for Prime, I decided to buy a Holy Trainer V2 knock-off that included all 4 ring sizes.  My experiences this past year with a Holy Trainer V2 as well as the metal devices I purchased since then have taught me even more about my anatomy.  Also, I know that with $23 invested, I really won’t worry too much about making modifications if I deem that I can’t get it to fit.  I also was happy to be able to try all of the rings to know for sure and not have to spend $50-60 each.

I have learned that I am larger than I thought I was.  My previous experience was with the Holy Trainer V2 short tube, which is smaller in both diameter and length.  When wearing a “trapped ball” chastity device and attempt an erection, every part of your penis that is not inside the cage will in fact get erect.  While the short cage’s length was probably a better match to my flaccid state, I was finding that I was getting “bottle-necked” where the base of my flesh met the tube.  While the tube diameter is only slightly larger with the standard cage, it reduced the discomfort by quite a bit.

What I am getting afraid of is the same problem I am having with the steel devices I bought as well as the CB-6000:  The largest ring is slightly too big, the next biggest is slightly too small.

Moving up to the 50mm ring size on the HT V2 pretty much eliminated the discomfort caused by the back end of the tube digging into my flesh.  After wearing it for about 5 hours and needing to make a trip to the grocery store, I decided to continue wearing it.  This was a terrible idea.  At some point a nut “wedged” in between the cage and ring and every step I took made me want to scream.  The problem is that I couldn’t find something and I ended up having to lap the store twice.  Quick pocket attempts to discreetly adjust it proved worthless.  By the time I was done I was dripping with sweat from the pain and feeling like I was going to throw up.

I have had this happen with other devices and it seems like I used enough lube to get movement but not enough lube to allow it to freely readjust itself.  I will have to keep experimenting with this as reaching down my pants and tugging my balls isn’t something I can do in a public setting.  Worst case, I may have to go with the 45mm ring and file down a 1/4″ of plastic at the back of the tube.

An Intro to F/m – Part 6

It’s becoming harder to come up with things that contrast the differences between M/f and F/m… mostly because things aren’t really all that different as a whole when it comes to D/s, but partly because I’m feeling like I have knocked out a number of misconceptions already.
One that I haven’t confronted yet is role comfort.

While it is true that there is always an adjustment period for newer dominants and submissives accepting their choices of lifestyle, the adjustment is often very different with M/f and F/m.  By adjustment period I’m not referring to the learning curves of each role and the common pitfalls that befall them e.g. dominant guilt, sub frenzy, etc.  What I am referring to is the mental hurdles involved with accepting your identity as a dominant or submissive.

While feminism and awareness of other gender and sexuality-based prejudices has become the norm in modern society, the expectations of gender roles at home and in the bedroom tend to find odd balances.  While men are expected to be more in tune with their emotions and help around the house, their ideal form is still that of a manly-man that can take charge when needed and be the pillar of the home.  While women are expected to be independent and motivated, they pursue an idea of equality without ever really knowing what that is supposed to look like.

It is still deemed socially acceptable for a home to behave under a patriarchy and for the man to be head of household.  The feminist version is for their to be an equal balance of power and a “team effort” in steering the ship.

Sexually, while muscular and handsome remains the ideal male and along with the mainstream success of works like 50 Shades of Gray, it is pretty safe to say that idea of dominant manly-man/submissive woman in the bedroom is well within acceptable social bounds.

The end result is that with M/f people tend to be pretty comfortable with their role when they partake in this lifestyle (even if it does take them time to come to terms with the kinkier side of things).  In some cases there will be very little adjustment for D/s that moves beyond the bedroom walls.
If you notice, the socially acceptable options are patriarchy or equality.  There is no matriarchy option nor a long-standing reference towards a female head of household.  There is no sexual ideal of a woman taking charge in the bedroom and jumping a man’s bones.

The societal view of a sexually submissive male is that he is weak and pathetic (if not impotent, inferior, etc.).  The societal view of a man that wants to defer decision-making to his wife is that he is pussy-whipped and lacking backbone.  The societal view of a woman that wishes to take charge is that she is a selfish bitch.

F/m has a lot more layers that people have to work through to reach a comfort zone.  People have to buck the trends that a lifetime of conditioning and programming have instilled.  They often feel screwed up, broken, perverse, and the like, and this goes for both parties.

Dominant women tend to have an easier time accepting the role as society has granted them the freedom to be strong and aggressive.  They can also use logic to support their desire for dominance:  no one would argue with someone who simply says, “I like getting what I want.”  It still takes some time to get there.

Submissive men have the most difficult time finding comfort in their role.  There is nothing really out there that says that it is okay to be this way.  The associated guilt and shame often lead to fetish development, which makes accepting their needs even more difficult.  It is easier in today’s society to come out as gay than as submissive.

What this means is that when you find a couple that is obviously or openly F/m, you KNOW they are absolutely certain this is what they want.  They had to wade through decades of programming and societal expectations that do NOT cater to them.  They chose these roles and embraced them.

When I think about it, I believe this also plays into the idea that F/m relationships tend to be more intense as well.  It took a lot of work for them to get there and when they do, they jump in with both feet.

Monday Ramblings

It’s been a very odd stretch for me, seeing as how I have basically come to the discovery that I’m not really a sissy.  That being said, my submissive triggers remain just as strong, I’m just starting to understand more about what they are, where they came from, and what they do to me.  It is rather amusing though, that being called a sissy remains a trigger to me, most likely because I never wanted to be associated with the term.

As my depression sets in for the winter I have found myself blocked from easily accessing submissive mental space.  This makes me ache.  Today while feeling down and searching for an X-mas present for T I ended up stumbling upon some hats on Amazon that I hadn’t found before while searching.  I ended up buying them and now I feel guilty and ashamed as I usually do when making purchases of this nature.

Something that goes back to my time with F is that she didn’t want the fur and material colors to match perfectly.  She liked it better when the fur would stand out more and make it more obvious that I was a pathetic sissy boy in fur.  Old habits die hard and one of the “selling points” of these hats is that the fur pom poms are removable, which should also make them interchangeable… and truer to form (these are some bad photoshops of what they should approximately look like).

I do have fur earmuffs that should match with either color to complete it.

I feel sort of sad and pathetic that this is where my unmet needs and down mood took me (even though this is my first purchase on this front since 2011… still).  The fact that I need something like this to obtain the feelings that I desire fills me with shame and self-loathing.  Thankfully I have a friend that is dear to me that helps me feel better about it, but I still can’t help feel like I’m something less than a man.

On the upside, I did hold out enough restraint to stop at those two and not delve into a color scheme that we never accumulated much of over the years.

And to think… it’s only Monday.

An Intro to F/m – Part 5

Blah Blah, Disclaimers, this is a series, etc. etc.  There may be some rehashing of stuff found in earlier parts.  My apologies if this seems redundant but it was answering a specific question.
A friend of mine asked me about tenderness in F/m relationships and I think that is a really idea to write about as there seems to be a perception that there isn’t the same kind of loving tenderness in F/m as there is in M/f.

I understand completely where this perception comes from.

First and foremost, people outside of F/m don’t go looking for F/m info or resources, they tend to “stumble upon” F/m content which may or may not be representative of things as a whole.  This generally ends up being incidental porn or the occasional blog or blurb.  When things are forgettable, people tend to… forget them easily.  People remember what stands out and what stands out is often burned into their brain.  Basically, people who stumble upon F/m and remember it generally remember something fairly extreme that falls well outside of their comfort zone.

People remember the permanent chastity devices, the swollen and bleeding marks from a flogger, the cuckolding humiliation, and the like.  These dynamics can often seem hateful, or at least, needlessly cruel.

There are some dynamics out there where the Domme doesn’t respect the sub.  The sub is a tool to be used.  The sub shouldn’t expect pleasure as the Domme will most likely deny it.  The Domme may displace the sub in favor of a “more worthy” life partner but still keep the sub in two to perform the mundane tasks.  She doesn’t treat him as an equal.  He is treated more like a servant and probably ranks below a pet animal.  Yes, lifestyles like this do exist.  They are a visible minority.

What gets lost when forming a judgment about these dynamics is that the extreme lifestyle likely caters to the sub’s fetishes.  He would not allow this if he did not want it.  He would not allow it to continue if he did not enjoy it.  In most of these cases it probably took the Domme months or years to feel okay about it.  At the start she most likely felt devastated and like she was losing a partner.  When you see these, they are part of a slow evolution to getting there and both parties agreed to it.

This doesn’t answer the question of the absence of tenderness, but it does acknowledge that there are relationships where tenderness doesn’t exist, just as you may come across M/s M/f situations where there is very little, if any tenderness as well.  It’s easy to write those off as a minority when you are looking through a sea of M/f blogs.  If I had to make an estimate, the number of married F/m relationships where the Domme has lost all respect for the sub as a man is probably less than 1% of F/m.  It probably makes up closer to 10-15% of F/m blogs.

Another factor that contributes to this is that there are so very few F/m relationships with any dynamics that someone might describe as “enabling.”  You won’t find a slew of blogs where the sub leans on his dominant for daily guidance and life structure.  This just isn’t tolerated much in F/m and so you really won’t find may references that leave you thinking, “wow, what a caring dominant.”

The majority of F/m relationships have plenty of loving and tender moments.  There will be plenty of cuddling on the couching, binge watching Netflix, date nights, and romance.  The majority of F/m relationships have D/s that ranges from bedroom only to mildly outside of the bedroom.  She might hold final say, like a head of household relationship, but in most cases his input is expected and appreciated.

There are a lot of hours in the day and how important dynamics are at any time may fluctuate greatly.  At some times they will probably be very important and a focal point.  At other times they will probably be very relaxed (even if respect or titles are still required).  Those who partake in 24/7 know that this doesn’t mean “dominance all the time,” but it can mean “dominance at any time.”  Most Dommes don’t wish to be dominant more than makes sense, aka only as much as she enjoys to be.

When you think of where a loving life partner works its way into the equation, you can be pretty certain (that for most people) there will be far more tender times than cruel ones.

The relationships wher tenderness seems absent are a very small but visible minority.

Mindfucking - Revised

Missy made some comments on my last post that made me realize that my definitions given in it were indeed lacking.  I had tunnel-visioned a bit on its humiliation aspects and missed another side of it entirely.  Later I will go back and make notes on that post about its incompleteness and hopefully represent it better here.

I’m not the type to delete posts, but I am the type that doesn’t mind admitting when they have been wrong.

I painted the wrong type of picture in that last post as ideas got crossed up in my brain and what seemed like it made sense ended up missing the boat a bit.  I will try to cover it as clearly as possible.
Mindfucking is virtual.  It is the act of triggering feelings based upon fear.
You can mindfuck in varying ways including but not limited to:

• Fear of humiliation or embarrassment.
• Fear of pain.
• Fear of an unpleasant outcome.
• Fear of an undesirable act.

Wielding it requires convincing the sub that they will be forced to experience something and the thought or anticipation of it brings them anxiety and/or anguish.
I have seen mindfucking be done in multiple ways.

1. The sub is informed of what will happen and it never comes to be.
2. The sub is informed of what will happen and then something else happens in its place.
3. The sub is informed of what will happen, allowed to stew, and then have it actually happen.

An example of #1 could be slars being told she would be forced to wear a llama suit out in public and then having it not happen (as I mentioned in the last post).  Missy also provided an example of being told that a punishment would be carried out with a very harsh instrument and then having it not happen.  In these cases there was never the intent to actually do them and the focus was upon the fear and anticipation.

An example of #2 could be telling a sub that a very huge anal plug was going to be inserted into them but then when out of view switching it for a smaller plug without telling them so they don’t know what is going inside of them.  Another example was done by my blogging friend Miss Lily who would wheel out a cart with a brand and a torch and tell them they were going to be branded.  She would then blindfold them, activate the torch for a bit and then press into their skin with a piece of metal that had been in the freezer.  The body’s initial reaction struggles to differentiate heat vs. cold and they think they are being branded but in actuality are not.

#3 doesn’t really require examples but the sub being informed of the intent is meant to increase their level of anguish leading up to it.

While these activities can be fun for both parties, pushing the sub too hard with the mindfuck can also lead to unintended negative results.

Humiliation vs. Mindfucking

EDIT 11/20/17:  I have come to realize that a lot of what I wrote in this post is wrong.  I have since written a revision in hope of correcting it.  I am leaving the rest of this post as is since people still might find it interesting on some level.

Missy left a comment on my last post that got me thinking it would probably be worth differentiating mind-fucking from humiliation.

If I had to differentiate them, there are a few ways I would go about it.  One, I believe that all mindfucks involve humiliation, but not all humiliation is mindfucking.

Humiliation is an internal event.  It is something you feel and it is created in your own mind.  If you meet someone who is truly happy-go-lucky and carefree, they are difficult to humiliate because they are able to turn their “give-a-fuck” off, which blocks the humiliation process.

Humiliation is mostly rooted in observation and perception.  If you humiliate someone, you make an observation or perform an action that causes an internal stirring within the target.  In most cases this involves words or actions that are symbolic of something else.  Even if the action is physical, e.g. pulling down their pants in public, the act of pulling their pants down doesn’t cause them physical harm, the intent would be for them to experience the reactions from others that cause embarrassment within themselves.  As an example to how this affects individuals differently, if you can imagine pulling down the pants of someone with a 12″ horse cock, they might just stand there and act proud of their trouser-snake.  Thus, it only works when it makes someone feel uncomfortable because they have insecurity about the part of themselves that is being (figuratively) exposed.

Taking a non-physical example, announcing to a group of people that a guy truly has a 1″ when erect penis (and this is true) would be humiliating because it is unlikely that he will be comfortable admitting to that due to society’s views on masculinity and sexual performance.  This would probably be only slightly less damaging than actually getting pantsed in front of those people.
Mindfucking, on the other hand, is an active exchange in which humiliation is used to achieve a desired end.  In this case, that desired ends are increased submission and arousal from the sub and increased dominance and arousal from the dominant.  Basically, a mindfuck isn’t just humiliation, it is humiliation with a purpose.

One aspect of mindfucking is that it can be pretend.  They don’t have to be actually experienced.  They can be part of a process that puts the sub into a state of fear and embarrassment about what COULD happen.

In continuing with my example of using my blog readers as examples, yesterday Lars and slars had a pretty good example of a mindfuck that involved the fear of humiliation/embarrassment more than the actual.  Lars got slars a llama pajama onesie with a tail and then convinced her that he was going to force her to wear it to church.  The fear of this potential event is enough to send a sub spiraling through a massive array of emotions based solely upon the anticipation of humiliation.  I thought it was a pretty good mindfuck but she might beg to differ.

Going back to the example about Mr. 1″, if a Domme told him that she was going to tell everyone at a party that he had a 1″ erect penis, that would be a mindfuck.  She could build off of it by saying that if people didn’t believe her that she would make him drop his pants and show everyone as proof.  She could take it further by saying if he wasn’t erect that she would make him stroke it in front of them until it was.  She could take it further by telling him that he had to answer honestly any questions others might have and that she would answer honestly any questions they might have as well, e.g. if someone asks her if that is enough to satisfy her she would tell them no and that they needed to use other means to do so.  She could take it farther by telling him that if any of the ladies wanted to touch it, she would give them permission to.

In this scenario, nothing has actually happened but the Domme has managed to mindfuck him 5-6 times.

So… mindfucking can involve actual humiliation or merely play off the fear of humiliation.
Again, this is a skill that tends to flow naturally for a dominant and those it doesn’t appeal to often struggle to see it as part of a dynamic (they often see it as abusive).

Emotional masochism, humiliation, mindfucking, emotional sadism, etc.

My last post brought in some comments that made me realize I should make a clarifying post to better describe how the interplay works as well as where boundary lines fall. I have written quite a bit on humiliation, most recently I wrote something for Nora a while back at her request.

First off, some definitions (these won’t be thorough):

Emotional masochist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional “pain.”

Emotional sadist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from inflicting emotional “pain” on someone else.

This should be at the heart of why people engage in these activities. The emotional masochist gets turned on by it. The emotional sadist gets turned on by it. Everybody wins. This is the line between abuse and play. I am assuming it occurs in a consensual D/s environment.

It is very difficult for either party to admit to liking this. An emotional masochist may experience turmoil about it because the associated feelings aren’t “good,” but the outcome is that they feel submissive and aroused is “good.” Similarly an emotional sadist may feel like an abusive bad person for enjoying this dynamic. I file this under: “I don’t like this, but I like what it does to me.” It works.

Effective humiliation and mindfucking work in one of two ways:

1. Things you know to be true but hold out some hope that they are not true.
2. Things you know to be untrue but hold some doubt that maybe they are true.

There is one more key principle that keeps humiliation and mindfucks from being abusive: They are not rejected or dismissed because of it.

Looking at #1, imagine a 5’ tall male. He probably has a long history of being rejected for being too short (e.g. sports teams, women, etc.). The truth of it is that he is short. You can try to convince him that he isn’t short or is in fact, tall. You can try to convince him that height doesn’t matter. He already has a “truth” in his mind that is set in stone. You cannot convince him otherwise. Words that disagree with his reality sound like lies.

If you tease him about his height, anything that is consistent with his view of reality will be effective. However, choosing not to reject him for it brings about a peace that can only occur when his reality and the events going on agree in harmony and all of his fears about why it matters are placated. “I am short, she thinks it’s sad/funny but still chooses to keep me.” Basically, it validates his insecurities while keeping his fears at bay.

This example has been wholly non-sexual, so I will give some examples as to how this might work in a D/s environment.

• “I like that you are short because you don’t have to go as far to have your face between my legs.”
• “If you were taller than me, people might get confused as to who is the submissive.”
• “Having a tiny servant is convenient, it must make it easier for you to clean all those hard to reach places.”
• “I would let you be on top, but you have to be at least 6’ tall to ride this ride.”
• “I’m usually attracted to tall men, but it amuses me that you try so hard to make up for it.”

Looking at #2, I am going to use HeartsHope as an example because she has blogged about this recently. She has written about during sex or play that HD will tell her that she’s a dirty slut and occasionally will make her say it. This triggers a battle of cognitive dissonance because she doesn’t want to believe that she is a dirty slut, but the emotional turmoil turns her on, so she questions her reality and fears it may be true. By having to say it, the turmoil is increased because it validates the claim and the fear. Is she really a slut? No, she doesn’t go sleeping around with tons of people. Does it create a storm of conflicting emotions that increase arousal and submission? Yes.

Basically, these methods are a system of mind games that tap into fears and insecurities as a means of increasing the intensity of submission.

People tend to love this or hate it. You can pick up a lot about a dominant’s style based upon their enjoyment (or lack of) when it comes to humiliation and mindfucking.

I hope that this clarifies some things.

How to mindfuck me

I have had some recent conversations about the intricacies of mindfucking with people… I felt like sharing how it works for me.

I am an emotional masochist. I make no secret of it. My submissive mental space loves to swirl around in insecurity. My ego loves to be crushed beneath the heel of past trauma when wielded by a feminine hand.

I am afraid of so many things about myself. Things that scare me that they are worthy of rejection. Things that terrify me and make me afraid of being ostracized, ruined, and alone.

I have memory after memory of events that made it certain that I would never be comfortable with myself. I spent much of my life compensating. Yes, I developed skills simply to combat the fear that inadequacy will keep me lonely and miserable.

I’m afraid that my penis is messed up or inadequate. It was out of fear that I did loads of research about female sexual anatomy, convinced that understanding a woman’s sexual pleasure and with appropriate attention to detail, that I could compensate for any potential inadequacy I might have. I trained for stamina. I steeled my resolve. I pursue the female orgasm with enthusiasm, awareness, and perseverance. While I do it for her pleasure, there is always the underlying fear that I will not be enough and this motivates me to almost obsessive levels. I can do it with my hands, mouth, tongue, penis, toys, you name it. I will find a way to make it great.

It can only take one phrase to derail me and shatter my self-confidence, sending me spiraling into the depths of subspace: “It would be nice if you were bigger.” This can cascade in so many ways. It undermines my effort by pointing it out as overcompensation. It questions my manhood. It justifies chastity. It only has to be spoken once and it will be forever entrenched within me, justifying all of my fears.

What separates the mindfuck from cruelty is that I am not rejected because of it.

I’m terrified of being abandoned. My vision of a perfect lover… perfect life partner… was birthed to compensate for this fear. I will do anything to show my love. I will do anything to prove my love. I work with both actions and words. I want her to grow addicted to me and what I offer… so that she will not leave me. I learned to cook. I learned to massage. I will do anything. I will learn, practice, and perfect things in order to be “enough.” I want to be her everything.

Again, it can take only one phrase to bring my fear to the surface and space me: “It’s cute how you think your devotion makes you worthy of me.” This sets me into a panic. I can’t relax. I can’t lapse for even a moment. I can be pushed and pushed and pushed and I will frantically meet every expectation… like my life depends upon it.

I’m hesitant to share this last one because I find it embarrassing to talk about, mostly because it hits me on so many levels of insecurity, some of which are rooted in childhood trauma, others in the guilt, shame, and doubt that compounded over the years.

I’m terrified of the fact that being ordered to wear a girl’s hat and earmuffs triggers me to such a deep subspace and arouses me. For years I adopted the “tough guy” stance. To this day I don’t wear any type of hat in winter and I live in a very cold climate.

There are a number of ways to mindfuck me about this.

• I can be called a sissy. I don’t want to believe that I am one but I am afraid about it.
• I can have my masculinity called into question. This one is pretty obvious.
• I can have my sexuality called into question. This one isn’t kind but if I was secure, it shouldn’t bother me.
• It can be pointed out that the styles that trigger me are impractically girly. I don’t know a single woman that would dress in this way. This makes it even more pathetic/disgusting.
• It can be pointed out that my arousal makes me pathetic and disgusting. It’s hard to feel secure about anyone wanting me with this knowledge.
• I can be told this makes me less than a man… and less than a woman. I’m below everyone.
• I can be taken out in public (or the threat of this) and forced to see people’s reactions to me.
  I can be taken shopping for said items and forced to acknowledge if they trigger me or not.
• I can be outed (or the threat of this) to her friends and see their reactions.

All of these things drive my subspace wild on different levels. I experience massive amounts of controlled anxiety and topple deeply into space, completely helpless. It really takes very little effort.
There are more ways to mindfuck me, but if I had to prioritize things, these would be the big three.

Thoughts on Illusion

Writing my last post got me thinking a bit about things.

I chase submissive mental space as being my default persona. It is where I feel okay and at peace with myself. It is where I long to be. One of my subspace triggers is inequality. I love status differences. I love putting a woman on a pedestal. I love things being unfair in her favor. These twist me up inside and make me feel oh so submissive.

This started to bother me a bit when I was talking about FLR and I tried to figure out why that community has bothered me so badly. I’m trying to write this without being biased against the people who make it ugly… sort of like trying not to think badly of a religion because of the ugliness people carry out in its name. A lot of bloggers in that genre have rubbed me the wrong way in how aggressively dismissive they are to other people. I am trying to set those biases aside and evaluate it on its own.

The principles behind FLR work for me. But it always seems like something was missing from it: illusion.

To be honest, if a Domme were to say something like, “You will exist only for me. What you want, means nothing. What you enjoy, means nothing. You will toil for me and suffer at my hands. I am the only thing that matters,” I would probably tremble and melt into the floor. If she made it clear that my pleasure was no concern of hers and that all of my desires should be centered around her, that idea drives my subspace into a frenzy.

The hangup for me occurs because this is an illusion. It is meant to create an environment and an idealized sense of purpose and place. It is meant to enable and maintain submissive mental space by catering to subspace triggers. This illusion that she doesn’t care about me is put in place because she does care about me and about us.

This differs a lot from FLR because I feel like this would be frowned upon. This would be fake. The one-sided principle is because both want it and it doesn’t matter what form it takes. It’s not supposed to be an illusion, it’s supposed to be real. I get scared when people believe in things like that. I want to believe that when the relationship is loving that both parties will think about the other as well as the health of the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s posturing and that they actually think of it more as an illusion, I just have encountered a number of blog authors that don’t mind going around to other blogs and telling people their F/m relationships are fake.

Regardless, I will embrace the illusion and ride all of its glory through the subspace I find so fulfilling.

An Intro to F/m – Part 4

Continuation of this series… this post most closely relates to Part 2.

In M/f you will find a lot of subs that struggle with being “starved.”  That is, there aren’t enough D/s dynamics in place to consistently push them into submissive mental space and they will begin to ache for dominance.  This is most common for existing relationships that have introduced D/s at a later date where the dominant doesn’t embrace exerting control.  The consensus for dealing with this matter is to continue to keep communication lines open between dominant and sub and eventually a happy medium will be established that keeps a sub from reaching the point where they act out due to starvation.

In F/m you will find a mix of relationships that were D/s out of the gate and ones who have attempted to add D/s into an existing relationship.  In both types of relationships you will find dominants that prefer the self-motivated compliance route as well as the ones that enjoy exercising strict control.
F/m relationships involving strict control rarely end up with subs aching for dominance.  In fact, there’s actually a tendency in these situations to evolve well beyond the sub’s comfort zone, frequently reaching a point of anguish for the sub.  While this may unsettle the sub in the short run, they tend to adapt and this process repeats itself with the dominant becoming more dominant and the submissive becoming more submissive.

The compliance style is where you will find more starving subs, and again, this is more common in relationships where D/s was added to an existing relationship.  The contrasting difference in F/m is that there are severely negative views on male subs that ache.  There are also lifestyle philosophies that have been developed around this.

In the absence of a labeled philosophy, a common view of a sub craving more dominance is that the sub is being selfish.  The Domme will provide as much dominance as she cares to and should not be expected to go beyond that.  Catering to a sub’s desires is not dominant and she should not be expected to do so.  It is on the sub to find a way to manage and be grateful for what she chooses to give him rather than pine for what she doesn’t.  It isn’t really up for discussion and the sub should rid himself of any cravings.

Separately, there are philosophical movements out there that often give themselves the label of FLR, FLM, WLM, and the like that grew out of the writings of Elise Sutton, Lady Misato, and others.  Originally these ideas clashed with the BDSM principles because of the lack of consent, but as of late they have become much more popular as people have sought ways to push F/m without the kink associations.

For those who are unfamiliar with this style the concept is simple:  the woman holds absolute power and authority and is the focal point of the relationship.  She may exert any type of control she wishes without limits and the man is expected to comply to her will with absolute devotion.  He should have no desires except to make her happy.  He is expected to be selfless, motivated purely out of love, and being permitted to serve a dominant woman is the only reward he should seek or expect.   There is no need to punish because he always obeys.

She may control his finances, how he spends his free time, who he is allowed to see or interact with, and so on.  It is common that he will take care of the mundane tasks:  cooking, cleaning, chores, yard work, grocery shopping, etc.  Some male subs take to this quite well, find their groove, and flow with it in peace.

Other subs struggle with it for a number of reasons.  Most of this dominance is passive dominance.  There isn’t some great reward waiting at the end of the rainbow.  Kink is often completely absent and so it doesn’t do much to feed his fantasy desires.  The style of dominance may or may not do anything to push him into a submissive mental space.  If he aches, tough shit, this is what he wanted.  If he wants more, tough shit, this is how she does it.  If he openly desires more he is seen as fake.  If he was genuinely wanting to submit, this would be enough.

People may have mixed views upon this.  I find it difficult because it tends to only focus on things being fulfilling to the dominant and that is meant to be enough to be fulfilling to the sub as well.  It is interesting in principle but actually implementing it as a long-term lifestyle doesn’t leave a lot of room for problems that may arise or means to solve them.  I might be biased a bit negatively as a number of blogs of this nature tend to ignore or downplay the value of a sub (and I can’t tell if it is posturing or true belief).

This is another one of the differences between M/f and F/m where there isn’t much crossover.

Thoughts on Starting Over

I can’t help but be envious of those who have been able to share all of their D/s experiences with a single partner.  I’m also envious of those who have been deemed desirable enough by the world at large to know that they find vanilla relationships unfulfilling in comparison.  Over the course of my life I cannot say that either of those scenarios were in the cards for me.

While my kinks were determined by a number of early experiences, much of my submissive outlook and mindset were crafted during years of loneliness and repeated rejection.  Looking back I find it almost comical that my pursuit of actualizing my ideal vision of a lover created the foundation of what would become my submission.

Circumstances have forced me to start over and over, keeping me readily aware of of the D/s “climate” on the F/m front.  It is incredibly difficult to find an available Domme that is looking for a life partner.  The majority of the subs that find one don’t squander the opportunity.  The end result is that most of the opportunities are with newer Dommes.

I’m not opposed to newer Dommes.  Two of my three relationships were with Dommes who hadn’t been in the role for more than a year and I was their first serious submissive.  In some ways it probably works out better.  Veteran Dommes often find it easier to work with relatively inexperienced subs that they can shape into their perfect match.  Newer Dommes still have a lot to experience, and while they still have a good part of the learning curve left, their style of dominance is still a work in progress and they are often more flexible in what they are looking for.  While neither of these are set in stone rules, they are just my observations that I have made over the years.

There is often a lot of talk about fit and kink overlap.  I tend to look for a personal connection under my naive belief that love can conquer all.

However, love requires being given a chance.  I find dating to be like… the most terrifying thing on the planet.  I’m not pretty enough.  When I get nervous, I talk too much.  I have this need to act with pure motives, so I am terrified to approach anyone without having a genuine reason.

On the D/s side, I’m worried that I will seem way too fucked up for someone.  I already know that my kinks area kind of out there.  I know that my desired level of submission is a bit too intense for many (and is currently “out of style” with what is popular).  I’ve always been prepared to make significant compromises.  I’m ultimately adaptable… probably because I care more about being able to love someone than about any act or activity.

While there are a handful of “deal breakers” for me, I believe most of them are reasonable for someone seeking a long-term monogamous relationship.  There is one breaker out there though that I have come to and it’s something that wasn’t really a factor for my first 10+ years in the lifestyle, and that is the idea of Dommes that don’t care about their sub’s submissive mental space.  Years ago this seemed more like the exception… but more recently it has become a trend… and it is a trend that follows a philosophy… which makes it into a belief… and beliefs don’t change much once established.

There are a lot of things that I love to do.  There are other things that I don’t care to do, but willingly do them.  Submissive mental space is often the bridge that turns those less desirable activities into extremely fulfilling activities.  I don’t NEED it, but it makes everything feel a lot more pleasant.  The idea that my submission and service are cheapened by desiring to be in subspace doesn’t sit that well with me.  It’s not like I won’t comply without it, it’s more that it makes a lot of life feel better.  I would think that the one I love would wish to grant me that favor.

Ideally I would find a Domme that enjoys pressing me into subspace and keeping me there.  I would like it to bring her joy to know that I can be easily twisted and manipulated in that way and cannot resist her.  I know that this is an unpopular sentiment these days.  It doesn’t change me from desiring it.

"Going Deep"

“Going Deep” is a phrase I have used quite a bit lately in discussions.  It’s a bit of a reference to the idea of submissive mental space as a swimming pool, but I think I used the term before I had come up with a metaphor… because it described what I felt.  It seems that when I use this phrase that people either have no idea what I’m talking about or they nod and get it completely.

This is not to say that “going deep” makes someone superior/inferior, as it is actually describes a characteristic that some people have that allow them to lose themselves, let go, and be swallowed up by D/s.  It requires a lot of trust and an environment conducive to getting there, but it is a state where rational thoughts and fears get replaced by the overwhelming emotions and momentary feelings that occur during deep submissive mental space.

While the emotions feel incredibly vulnerable and overwhelming, there is also a calmness to them… an acceptance that doesn’t really surface at other times.  I have often described the mindset as reaching total surrender.  It overrides fight or flight.  It overrides logic and sense.  It is just sort of a state of being.

You don’t resist your station.  You embrace it and accept your place.  It feels very soothing to know exactly where you belong.  It feels very safe to know exactly what is expected of you.  While you might not like everything that is presented to you, it is not your place to defy.  You roll with it… you adapt… you become pliable, flexible, and fluid.  You exist to serve a function… even if that function breaks you.  You feel good when you have performed what was necessary of you.  You feel bad when you fail to do so.  Morality in this setting revolves around the will of the dominant.  Right = what the dominant wants, finds pleasing, etc.   Wrong = what the dominant doesn’t want, finds displeasing, etc.

It can be hard for people who have not experienced this to understand.  It can be hard for them to witness or read about intense dynamics that require this state.  They want to ask the sub, “why would you put up with that?”  “How could you let them do that?” “How do you handle that?”

The answers to these questions for a sub in that mental space is that, those questions don’t even cross their mind.  They exist to endure.  They exist to serve a function.  They exist to be pleasing.  There is no “self” left that has an opinion that holds any real value.  There is no “self” left with enough will to state any form of defiance.  It’s not that they cannot say, “no,” it is that the mind doesn’t even perceive “no” as an option.

It is actually more common for people to experience glimpses of this or brief periods of this mental space before ever being able to immerse within it.  It is actually quite scary for both parties.  The sub may fear losing themselves that deeply and what that could lead to.  The dominant may be worried if they pushed the sub there unintentionally.

For years I had wondered what is the separating factor between subs that can reach this state and those that cannot.  I have been able to meet a handful of subs that are able to go this deep and experience a total loss of self and all of them (us) seem to have something in common and it leads me to believe that this is a learned behavior.  We have all been at some point pushed to an incredible level of emotional stress where we were truly helpless in regards to the outcome.  In these cases, our psyches were pushed so far that they “broke” and found it easier to surrender and accept what was happening than to resist and deal with reality.

This becomes a bit of a coping mechanism that can manifest itself in D/s.  When pushed hard enough, we slip into surrender and acceptance.

I know a lot of people who have stated that they do not wish to reach this point.  They always want to maintain their sense of self.  This is wise.  The subs that lose self generally were that way before engaging in consensual D/s.  Those who have not been “broken” are better off remaining intact.

If you read a lot of this and found yourself nodding along, recalling the feelings that you have experienced it, this is also the mental state known as slavespace.

An Intro to F/m – Part 3

Blah blah, follow up to Part 1 and Part 2, stuff, disclaimers, reasons.
This is the last of these I intend to write unless people have ideas for additional topics.  The intent isn’t to bring up every possible F/m scenario, but more to illustrate some of the common concepts of the lifestyle.

This last section banks heavily upon a concept that I have written about in the past and called, Progressive Escalation.  Progressive escalation is the idea that as time passes, that the intensity of D/s dynamics will increase.  Dominants will become more dominant.  Submissives will become more submissive.  What once felt like a rush becomes boring and so you push the envelope into new territory to bring back the same level of excitement.  Most of the time when you encounter a couple that practices dynamics that have you thinking, “OMG HOW COULD THEY DO THIS??? IT’S SO MEAN!”, they have been together for quite a while.  Often it takes several years for them to hit their first plateau, but the dulling of activities and desire to take things deeper gets more and more common the farther you go.

With that in mind, it’s tough to judge a couple who have been practicing D/s for 15 years through the lens of a newbie because it is impossible to see the trust, love, and connection that has developed over years.  It is impossible to know how things grew to that point without seeing the full story.  Isolated events don’t show the progression from point A to B to C to now and so on.
Don’t get me wrong, you will find accounts of things getting VERY intense.  They aren’t for the faint of heart.  They aren’t for the newbies.  What you always have to remember is that most of these dynamics are happily consensual.

You will find male subs that haven’t had an orgasm in 5 years.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what orgasm denial does for his submission.

You will find male subs that are forced to wear women’s clothing around the house, do all of the cooking, cleaning, and chores.  They are often kept chaste and occasionally the Domme will take on another male bull who has a bigger penis and greater sexual endurance and force her sub to suck his semen from her.  The sub may be punished for even the slightest infraction.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what this does for the relationship and his submission.

I was going to write more examples, but honestly, I think the second one encompassed like half the stuff that freaks people out at once.

Most F/m relationships still retain a level of respect.  They almost certainly maintain an intense shared love.  Both parties are often supremely happy.  There may be dynamics that make a lot of people cringe.  Humiliation and degradation don’t appeal to all.  Some may get there over time.  Others never will.

Time changes everything.  That weekly maintenance spanking may seem so huge at the start.  After a year, it probably doesn’t feel quite the same.  A lot of people also haven’t seen what a dominant, fully confident and with their sadism unleashed, is capable of evolving to over time.  That growth wouldn’t have been possible without the love, support, and submission of a loving sub.
Dommes don’t add more rules and crank up the dominance because they hate their sub.  Dommes add more rules and crank up the dominance because they love their sub and their sub loves it too.   Sometimes, it’s just not very easy to see how it got to there.

An Intro to F/m – Part 2

Blah blah blah, follow up to Part 1 disclaimers and stuff.

In F/m, similar to M/f, you will find a variety of styles of dominance.  Well, there are actually probably fewer styles of dominance in F/m.  Mommies make up  such an astronomically small percentage of Dommes that you can almost pretend like they don’t exist, and thus, there aren’t really any reference to MD/lb dynamics.  You won’t find much in the way of brat tamers either.  Very few Dommes will tolerate bratty male subs. You will find very few male pets in F/m.  Basically, if you can picture a Domme asking, “so… what’s in it for me?”, it probably doesn’t exist or occurs in such small numbers that it appears to be nonexistent.

For the most part, you can separate Dommes into two primary styles of dominance (and this works similarly for male Doms from my experiences).  I wrote about this in Accountable? but basically, there are dominants that like to have loads of rules, protocols, and punishments and dominants that want to have the bare minimum of those things (if at all) and expect the sub to be able to comply on their own.  To try to summarize it more simply, the first type truly enjoys exercising control.  The second type prefers self-motivated compliance.

One major aspect that tends to happen regardless of type is that male subs should expect to lose their sexual freedom.  Most Dommes will want to regulate and control a sub’s orgasms right out of the gate.  This may involve simple self-control, but may also lead to chastity, ruined orgasms, and milking.  Male subs drop out of submissive mental space when they achieve an orgasm and it may take them up to several days to reach the same level of attentiveness as they did pre-orgasm.  Since this may be undesirable, it is quite common for Dommes to severely limit the frequency of a sub’s orgasms.

Another big difference with F/m is that a lot of the dominance is more passive in nature than M/f.  A lot of it revolves around pampering and requires more service-oriented submission.  It is common for a Domme to take great pleasure in having their sub on hand to give them foot rubs, back rubs, or neck rubs.  She may want him to paint her finger or toe nails and in some cases, have him learn to give manicures or pedicures.  She may want him to wait on her, give her oral pleasure whenever she wants it, and take care of any task she may give him.  He may wash her body in a bath, brush her hair, and do a lot of things that cater more to a Domme’s love of adoring attention moreso than whips and chains.  That isn’t to say that play doesn’t happen, it’s just that a lot more of the lifestyle tends to revolve around dominance and submission that occurs outside of the bedroom.

Another common factor that is very popular in F/m but often is very hit or miss in M/f, is the idea of symbolic dominance.  Many Dommes really enjoy rituals, body/foot worship, queening, CFNM, and the like that empower her with a sense of status and entitlement.  These often serve as turn-ons and create an environment that appeals to her emotional arousal and her dominance.  Do you NEED to have a sub kneeling naked on the floor, prostrated with his forehead pressed to the floor and his arms extended above him?  No, but making him hold that position might ignite something inside of her so she makes him do it.

I guess what I’m getting at is that there are some differences between M/f and F/m, but not in the ways that porn might portray them to be.

An Intro to F/m – Part 1

This is by no means meant to be any sort of comprehensive guide to F/m, mostly just some thoughts and bits of info that should help to inform people in M/f a few of the differences between M/f and F/m.  I received a lot of support in response to my last post.  I am grateful for it.  I feel like there are people who would be curious about this.  I know several bloggers have been reading and writing about the idea of the Warrior Princess sub lately, and this post should carry some similar themes.
What I am going to write here covers many F/m relationships.  I’m not going to make any claims it covers all.  I’m also not going to cover my ass and say that this is “just my own view,” as this is a combination of my own experiences and a composite of the people I have known both in real life, blogs, and the internet over the years.

There are very few “weak” male submissives living the F/m lifestyle.  One of the favorite comparisons of F/m relationships is that of a Queen and her knight.  That is, a strong and capable male that swears his obedience to the lady in power.  This creates an interesting dynamic because a weak and pathetic knight is not desirable.  In most cases the male sub is confident, capable, and motivated in his vanilla life but submissive to  his Domme at home.

This differs greatly from the stereotype that seems to plague people.  That is, a hateful woman who brutalizes and degrades some pathetic and helpless male.  This apparently makes better porn for some because a lot of the dynamics of lifestyle F/m don’t portray well “on film.”  The dynamic isn’t about bullying the weak, it is about holding power over and controlling the strong.

I have had conversations on this before with one of my favorite Domme bloggers and she absolutely loves the fact that while her husband may be physically stronger than she is, that he completely submits to her will.  The stronger, more intelligent, and more driven the male, the greater the pleasure a Domme may take in having him under her thumb.

This has complete consent.  He chooses to serve her.  She chooses to hold power over him.  The more capable he is, the more powerful she feels and the greater value she places upon him.  Most Dommes seek out “worthy” subs.

Most male subs carry a dichotomy within them.  Their public persona may very well appear alpha.  At home, their submissive persona comes to the surface.  They frequently will find themselves switching gears between the two.

I think one of the reasons that submissive mental space and vanilla space end up being so clearly defined to myself as a sub male and for many sub males is that it’s so very obvious.  At work you might be sipping at the water cooler talking about last night’s football game.  At home you might be kneeling and giving her a foot rub while wearing nothing but a collar.

There is no “natural order” here.  When you practice F/m it is a choice for both parties.  Even if a couple decides to practice some form of neo-feminism as their ideal, the reality of it is that the male could rise up and overpower her, but he chooses not to, and in turn, makes the dynamic complete by surrendering himself to her will.