How your relationship became Femdom and How it Affects you

We've been having some good comment discussion over at the blog http://sheisincharge.blogspot.com/

Reading the posts and comments and making a few comments has given me a few things to think about.

Something I mentioned in a comment is how the perspective you have towards certain acts is greatly affected by the way in which you were introduced to the lifestyle.  What strikes me as interesting (and something I don't think I've written about) is the contrast between Femdom relationships rooted in BDSM-dating vs. long-term relationships/marriages that become Femdom (usually at the insistence of one member of the relationship). 

Naturally Femdom relationships instigated by vanilla women from the get-go tend to be quite successful in the long-run.  Women who are aggressive and take-charge from the start usually find men that are either on the submissive side of the coin, or standing as equals where he is willing to flow along with her choices.  While these relationships may or may not have any serious BDSM-connotations, they seem to work well since he probably wouldn't have stayed with her and married her if he wasn't okay with her personality.


BDSM-rooted relationships are an interesting breed.  A lot of weight in the D/s scene is placed upon sharing common kinks and fetishes.  It's sort of like the barter system in that you search for what you want and hope to find that person that is what you want and they in turn want what you have to offer.  He has a foot fetish, she loves foot worship?  Perfect.  She loves spanking, he loves being spanked?  Perfect. 

So why is it that not all of these relationships work out in the long run?  Why is it that some popular and powerful Dommes are often the ones seeking subs?  Why is it that some talented subs leave their Domme in search of another?  Why is it that breakups happen?

The problem with a lot of BDSM-dating is that so much weight is placed upon the kink-commonalities that two things are often forgotten: personal compatibility and long-term compromise.  You have the ultimate lifestyle and bedroom experiences but you hate the movies they love.  They hate the books you love.  They're an outdoor person, you're an indoor person.  They hate your jokes while you think you're the funniest person on the planet.  Maybe the first 6 months were amazing.  The first year great.  The second year was good but you began to drift a bit.  By the third year you barely spend any time together.  This is usually a case where people just weren't compatible on a personal level.  If you had dated vanilla you probably wouldn't have lasted more than a few months.   

The other factor is compromise.  You weren't trading 10 animal pelts for a bag of salt even though you only wanted to give up 8.  Both of these are items of a fixed quantity that would eventually be used up.  Compromises in BDSM relationships are a bit more difficult when you look down the road.  Even if you have 9 out of 10 kinks in common, the 1 that you don't share may eventually wear you down.  You love strap-on play but she refuses to do it.  She loves single-tails but you hate pain.  You can tell yourself you don't need it and in some cases you really don't, but in the cases where deep down you do need it, time has a way of carving out the Grand Canyon from a trickle of water. 

If it is something you truly love how long can you go without it before your cravings get the better of you?  How long will it take until the feelings of being unfulfilled are just too much to bear?  This is applicable to both parties.  If you absolutely positively need to be pegged will she do something she hates just to placate your needs?  Will you look elsewhere to have this need met with or without her permission and what kind of repercussions will that have on her feelings?   If she absolutely needs to whip you with a single-tail even though you've already willingly experienced the crop, switch, and paddle, do you deny her that pleasure?  If you deny her that pleasure, how would you feel if she asked to play with another sub?  How much should each party sacrifice in order for things to keep moving?

This is a tough question and I think for most long-term Femdom relationships there will be compromises made on both sides (even if it feels wrong to have it be that way).  Asking one party to compromise too much of their needs and they will tire of the relationship.  Denying one party's needs completely will drive them to look elsewhere or feel unfulfilled.  Going back to the scenarios I listed above, if that was one relationship the compromise might be to trade pegging for single-tail play.  However, even if things seem fair in the short-run, things can change drastically in the long-run.  I think this is another primary reason for the breakdown of BDSM relationships.
  
Returning to Femdom relationships that start out vanilla and end up Femdom, these are interesting in their own right.  In the majority of these cases it's through the husband's pressures that the wife explores this lifestyle.  I think these relationships are strikingly different than the previous situations since it requires a change in the roles that each party has.  The husband goes from semi-equal partner to submissive and the wife goes from semi-equal partner to Dominant.  One role change is willing and the other is reluctant.  The initial mental blow of this is probably pretty severe to the wife. 

They agreed to 10 animal pelts for his bag of salt, but all of a sudden he wants 20 animal pelts and a bushel of wheat and he offers her a crate of apples.  Now I am of the belief that a woman that feels good about herself is naturally dominant and deep down likes apples a lot more than salt, but the main point is that it wasn't what she bargained for.  If she feels she has a lot of herself invested in the relationship she may make this initial compromise and accept the apples.

These relationships tend to progress slowly along the learning curve.  It can take years for her to realize she loves apples and that it was a good trade.  What strikes me as a bit foolish is that husbands have usually fantasized about these situations for years and they get a bit impatient, wanting the extreme Domme of their dreams to appear overnight even though all of this is brand new to her.  I believe it is at this stage where things take a turn for the better or worse.  He must remain patient and let her grow into her new role and accept her own definition of that role.  She may never wield a whip or don a strap-on.  If they do happen it might take five years to reach that point. 

Husbands will probably feel unfulfilled during this transition, but they easily forget that it's more fulfilling than how it was before this time.  While she takes her Domme baby-steps, remember that it still touches your desires more than it did before. 

Wives will probably feel pressured, uncomfortable, and awkward during this transition.  This is natural and the more you do things, the more comfortable they will become. 

These once-vanilla-now-Femdom relationships are generally longer lasting than BDSM relationships but at the same time they have some of the biggest obstacles to overcome.  BDSM-rooted relationships are often the most fulfilling in the short-run but also the hardest to keep going unless you find a way to bridge the gaps between you.  If you lucked out and she has been calling the shots since the first date, you're both golden.