Monday, April 26, 2010

Is it Better to be Ashamed or at Peace?

I'm guessing just about everyone that enters into a kink-oriented lifestyle goes through a phase where they are self-conscious about their likes and interests, feeling that it's a bit weird and something that should be internalized.  In a lot of ways, it's kind of like your first serious crush.  The feelings burn up inside you and stir a mess of emotions but at the same time you want to keep it a well-guarded secret.

I would wager that nearly every sub, Dom, and switch has probably felt this way at least once in regards to the lifestyle.

For Dommes, the expectations are a bit rigid.  Submissives expect Dommes to feel 100% comfortable with who they are, what they like, and what they want to do.  This is a bit unfair of an assumption to bury them under, but us subs wish them to at least appear 100% comfortable with those things.  In turn, a sub should treat all of her desires like they are the natural order of the world:  it's the way things are meant to be.  It is his responsibility to flow with her comfort and help cement it if she still carries uncertainties.

This leads to the question, should there be a double-standard when it comes to submissives? 

In terms of exerting control and devotion, it is probably in a Domme's best interest to develop a double-standard and breed that belief deep in her sub.  While she can feel completely okay with wanting to tie up a sub and spank him, he should feel conflicted and ashamed at wanting to be tied up and spanked.  It's a bit of a mental game and stacking the deck in this way will push things overwhelmingly in her favor.

As much as any sub could feel comfortable with his submissive tendencies, I have to say that it's probably better for a Domme if he feels that she's the only one that can understand him, she's the only one that could accept him with how he is, she's the only one that could find him attractive, and so forth.  It's a bit under-handed but why not?  A sub who is chosen by a Domme should be grateful for this opportunity.  He's the expendable one.  I suppose I could get into some big morality debate here but I'll steer clear of that for now working under the assumption that her happiness trumps all.

Is it better for the relationship if she has him firmly believing that the rest of the world will reject him and his kink and she is the only one that will love him in that way?  As equals, I would suppose the answer is no, but in terms of a 24-7 D/s relationship, would the answer be yes?

It's a difficult call to make but I believe that a sub who feels that his desires are screwed up and that he has found the one woman on the planet who could love him is going to try harder, be more attentive, more affection, and better behaved than someone who could feel comfortable enough with himself that he could go out and find another Mistress any time he wanted to.

Even though I am somewhat of a veteran to the lifestyle and am at peace with being submissive to women and my fetish towards women in certain types of clothing, I still feel a bit screwed up at the depth and intensity of my desires.  Even though I have always been able to make a good impression on Dommes, when I think about breaking things off or when my relationships have ended it still felt like the end of the world and that I was going to be alone forever.  I think those uncertain feelings help motivate me to improve. 

Things like extreme bondage, sensory deprivation, tease & denial, and strict behavioral rules have never found any peace within my heart but I enjoy them a lot.  This strikes doubly hard for the subspace I crave that I only experience through forced dressing.  While a lot of bondage and play activities are becoming less shameful to admit to liking, nothing makes me feel more fucked up about myself than being a sissy.  My Mistresses over the years have never allowed any solace on that front but through writing this I feel that is probably a good thing.

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