Sunday, April 25, 2010

Tips on Courting a Domme Part 4

I know I have touched on these a bit in Parts 1-3, but I feel they are important enough to be fleshed out a little more. 

11.  Be thoughtful. 
Being thoughtful goes a long way.  During your initial contacts you may wish to ask some small questions that may appear random.  What is her favorite color?  What is her favorite candy?  What kind of books and music does she like?

These might seem like rather innocuous questions but they can go a long way in making a first impression and maintaining a healthy relationship if you commit them to memory.  At your next meeting show up with a flower or twelve that is her favorite color and a box of her favorite candy or a book or CD that you think she would enjoy (I would only stray into the latter two if you are knowledgeable in literature and music).

Showing her early that you listen and understand at least the basics of how to make a woman happy on day 1 will show you are more likely to be able to make her happy on day 395, day 1021, and so forth. 

12.   Listen before you speak.
Every courting process will be unique and different but one thing is universal: women prefer men who listen.  This is something to be especially mindful of if you have a tendency to drone on about yourself or if this is one of the first Dommes to give you the time of day. 

You will likely be faced with one of three scenarios:
a) She wants to know everything about you before she is willing to divulge anything about herself.
b) She wants to talk about herself before she wants to hear anything about you.
c) She wants to have a back and forth exchange over various things where you each share your views on particular topics in order to gauge your compatibility.

If you are faced with (a), ask her what she wold like to know about you.  Answer thoroughly, concisely, and honestly and see what she would like to know next.  If she says something very general like "tell me about yourself" this situation may not really be an (a) situation at all.  A good way to test the waters is to rattle off something brief like "I'm X years old, I work in the field of Y, I have been in the lifestyle for Z years," and then state you would like to know more about her.  Based upon her response, you should have some idea on how to treat the situation. 

If you are faced with (b), listen intently.  Commit this information to memory.  Your primary goal should be to absorb this information and memorize it.  "I forgot you had said that" is a very ugly phrase for a sub to use.  While she is speaking, DO NOT under any circumstances use this time to think about what you will say unless it directly pertains to what she is saying.  It is acceptable to take mental notes you are interested in or would like her to elaborate upon.  She likely wants you to do that and is probably gauging your reactions for a time to pause and see what you are interested in about her.  If she says she loves books by Aldous Huxley and takes a great interest in Reiki and you have no idea who/what those are, ask her to tell you more about them.  If you are familiar with those, say so and ask her what she finds interesting about them.  This strategy for (b) should probably be used every time you speak with her and she is talking.

If you are faced with (c), this situation probably puts you in the greatest chance to fail.  Men have a tendency to want to impress, but what will impress her most is honesty.  If she brings up a topic that you haven't thought about, have little to no experience in, or you are aware of it but aren't sure of your thoughts on it, be honest about that.  "I haven't had much experience in but I would be interested in exploring that."  "I really haven't thought about it but I will give it some serious consideration.  How do you feel about it?" 

If you are at least decent at thinking on your feet and have unsure thoughts about it, try to rattle off a few things you think would be positives about it.  "Oh, male chastity?  I'm not really sure but I think it would probably make me better behaved.  What are your thoughts on it?"

Remember that the honesty rule still applies.  If she seems to love something you absolutely hate, don't just go along with it like it's your favorite thing in the world.  There's a point where you may have to accept that the compatibility isn't there and things aren't going to work.

On the chance that you have made a good enough impression on her to where you hate a few things she loves and she still finds you worthy, she may be willing to compromise her own desires a bit.  While this may feel inherently wrong, if that is really what she wants it is okay to let this happen.  You may tell her that you think it's okay for her to still play with others to get her fix in those activities.  

13.  Be realistic about the outcome and know how to walk away if you have to.
Certain issues can make a relationship incompatible.  Assuming that you can spot these factors out of the gate whether they are a personal issue, have to do with schedules and time, or that simply your BDSM needs are simply too far removed from one another, it's important to know when it's best for both of you to just say no.

If it's obviously not going to work, let her down like a gentleman.  Thank her for taking the time to get to know you, wish her well, and if both parties seemed compatible on a personal level, you may wish to continue communicating as friends.  It is hurtful and a waste of her time and energy if you put in a half-hearted effort when the situation is doomed from the start. 

DO NOT part ways with a fake smile and an empty promise to call.  This is probably the rudest and most disrespectful action that you can undertake.  Ignoring/blocking her phone calls, failing to reply to emails or blowing her off, etc. is a chickenshit way to be and if I was in her shoes I'd want to track you down and punch you in the face.

If you ever wonder why Dommes tend to get a bit jaded in their search, about half of their frustrations probably come from filtering through the subs that are a pure waste of time and the other half, from subs who show promise but turn passive-aggressive and jerk them around without being honest about their feelings.  If you can't say "no" to her face because you think you're being a jerk, you're a bigger jerk if you say "yes" to her face and then "no" with your actions.

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