A Domme's Role in Consent

Giles English brought up some interesting points in comments to my last post on consent.  It made me realize that I had written that post with the assumption that the sub would resist leaving unless things were simply terrible for them.

Any Domme that has been through several D/s relationships probably knows this usually isn't how things really work and that not all compromises are made by the sub.

In reality, unless you have a very extreme D/s relationship, you have to be able to connect on a personal level and the Domme must make sure things are good enough to keep him from leaving.  This can be done in a variety of ways.  Each way has sort of its own "face value" as well as a means to exploit it.  I don't feel that a little bit of exploitation is that bad, especially if the foundation is in fact a loving, caring relationship. 

-Incorporating enough of his kink/fetish/fantasies to keep his needs met. If it floats his fetish boat, he will have no reason to look elsewhere to fill those needs.  This can be exploited in a few ways, mildly by making his fetishes a reward, or more overtly by making him feel sexually awkward or inadequate because of his fetishes but roping him in by telling him that you understand him and that you're okay with the way he is (even when no other woman would be).  Occasionally you may want to act out one of his fantasies to keep him salivating at the thought of having it happen again.

-Ensuring the day by day relationship is loving and fulfilling.  Even if there is no sexual contact simply reminding him that you enjoy your relationship, you love him, and value him in your life.  This can be exploited rather severely.  Words are cheap but adequate to reference to a sub if he starts feeling otherwise.  e.g. Punishing him as "a sign of your love for him," or saying he "is the most important person in my life" while ignoring his needs.  Taken a step further logic can be twisted:  "I'm denying you orgasms because it brings me so much pleasure to see you squirm in frustration and don't you want to see me happy?  I know it makes you happy for me to be dominant."  It is much easier to exploit if the stakes are high e.g. marriage, common friends, etc. as he will have no where to turn to.

-Stretching his boundaries slowly.  While some might believe this shouldn't happen, many subs crave the submission of having their limits pressed.  This is a process that should happen over time and in the right settings.  Exploiting these cases really shows the weakness of the male.  Sexual conditioning (positive sexual reinforcement) can slowly turn a Domme's fetish into a sub's fetish.  Extended tease & denial can make a sub highly susceptible to "suggestion" and if he is horny enough and being brought to a climax he can be made to promise almost anything.  When he reaches that point you can either allow him release and expect it in the future or deny his orgasm and tell him he will be allowed release after he makes good on the promise.   

There are also some ways that aren't as emotionally healthy.  While they might be viewed with disgust or disdain by some, long-standing relationships that have grown a bit stale on the D/s front and where a Domme wishes to make major changes to the relationship may find these as being some of the only ways to get an honest behavioral change out of her sub.  Subs that have grown bored/complacent with a relationship can be incredibly moody/stubborn/resistant to adopting a more ideal submissive attitude.  Sometimes they need a kick in the butt to get back on track.  In many ways I consider these options to be healthier/easier than having a Domme terminate the relationship without communicating the seriousness of the situation to her sub.

-The threat of rejection.  He can have it her way or get out.  If she has exploited his fetishes at all (or decides to start now) he will know that his needs aren't "normal" and he will have a tough chance finding another woman willing to accept him as he is. 

-He is replaceable.  This is the other side of his threat of rejection.  While he will have a difficult time finding another Domme, she will have an incredibly easy time finding a dozen subs to take his place, so if he won't perform, she'll find a sub who can.  While it may very well take weeks/months to find another sub that she will mesh with on a deep level, he doesn't have to know that, and the thought of having a dozen applicants lined up at her door the next day will probably shake him up a bit.  The odds are in her favor. 

-Blackmail.  In most cases, the male sub fantasy can go into very deep, dark places.  I've also found that Dommes are more likely to demand a sub to share his deepest fantasies and quite unlikely to share her deepest fantasies with him.  While he could try to out her, it usually ends up sort of like this:
sub: "she got off by wearing a corset and thigh high boots, tying me up and spanking me and then making me give her oral."
Domme: "he wanted me to tie him up, spank him, fuck him up the ass with a dildo, and then make him serve me and my friends while dressed as a maid."

When it comes to who is at risk to lose the most face, advantage: Domme. A few timely pictures here and there when he is in the throws of a BDSM activity can reinforce this even more.

These situations aren't fair, but neither is the outcome of power exchange except that we acknowledge the risks and consent to the relationship as a whole.  I've always felt these were sort of bi-products of the situation and always felt they were part of the risk to consider before starting the relationship.