Friday, March 17, 2017

Inside of me

Inside of me resides a terrified little boy.  He is the truest version of how I feel and see the world.  He has been abused, neglected, and starved for attention and love.  The little boy is resilient, he keeps on going even when life hurts.

This boy is at the core of my submission.  He calls upon all of the talents at his disposal and launches himself without hesitation into the fray, hoping that she will notice... hoping that she will toss him a few crumbs of affection to feed his starving belly.  He learned long ago that nothing is free.  He diligently toils through his labors, brimming with pride.  The next scattering of crumbs remind him that not to expect what is not his to give or take. 

Always working, always pressing, always hoping that this will be enough.  "I'm good enough," he thinks.  The crumbs speak back to him, "good enough, FOR NOW."  No time to rest, never perfect, always room to improve.  He pushes and pushes, trudging along, one foot in front of the other.  Standing still is death.  Keep pressing.

He becomes twice as good to feel half as good.  The next batch of crumbs tell him, "you are barely acceptable."  Sometimes he cries, screams, and wails, flailing in the darkness, unsure of where to go.  When he tires, he picks a direction and off he goes. 

Her voice calls out to him in the darkness.  It guides him to her.  He approaches, timidly, awkward, but with lots of hope.  The touch of her hand makes him tremble and he nearly cries out of happiness that someone could see him.  She pulls him close and mesmerizes him with her words.  She becomes the focus of his heart. 

He listens intently as she lays down the rules.  He agrees to them one by one without hesitation, not noticing the predatory shift in her aura.  She closes her arms around him, marking him, and this fills his heart with joy.  It is enough to fill his belly.  She sends him off to toil for her and he goes all out, hoping to impress her and keep her affections.  She readies a handful of crumbs for his return. 


  1. Being noticed, being given a handful of crumbs. Prey for the predator who plays with your needs and feeds upon them. The big question is whether it makes you happy. So, does it?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      When things are functional, it does make me quite happy. I'm gathering a bit lately that I might have a "little" in me... not so much in the M/f sense of things but more so in that there's a part of me trapped within the dysfunctional and abusive pain of my youth. This inner voice doesn't look to be protected, it just accepts the "rules" and tries to earn its crumbs.

    2. I should add that "crumb only" diet isn't the greatest and that I am quite a bit happier when fully accepted and loved. This aspect of my psyche just asks for very little and is grateful for what is offered.

      Take care.

  2. Curious, at what point in your submission do you start to feel this side of yourself?

    Im glad your shared this.

    1. It started happening the first time K put the hat on me. I've been aware that it feels like a bit of a regression, but I didn't really understand it much until I interacted with a few littles.

      I will say that it isn't an age-play sort of thing, more of the state that I felt when my innocence died. It's kind of like holding up a test that I got 100 at. I will keep getting hundreds... I just want someone to pat my head and tell me they're proud. Instead I get crumbs... and the implication that the next 100 will be the one and that I MUST keep on getting them.

      I can't tell if this should make me feel super fucked up or if I should be happy that I have this little guy inside of me driving me to do my best all the time.