Sunday, March 12, 2017

Musings in my head

There was a time in my life when I was sure of myself.  I wasn't happy, but I stood by my beliefs with conviction and had evidence to support them.  I felt like I understood many things... and my place among them.  It was very easy to "be strong and do the right thing" because everything was laid out in a neatly defined system.

Lately I have found myself wondering a lot more.  I no longer feel like I have anything figured out.  The concept of "right" is an idea... and it is a shifting mass that expands and contracts without ever taking a static form.  As such it is impossible to determine what is right... there is just the idea and how it pertains to any single moment.

I no longer feel strong or have a certainty behind my actions.  The more I come to understand myself the more I see how many of my choices are made out of weakness.  The old me would have chastised myself for behaving this way.  The current me sees a system that allows me to get by in the best way that I can, free from pride that may cloud my judgement.  I feel weak. 

The only truth I can grasp are the feelings in my heart.  What I might desire or long for... what allows me to exist from one moment to the next... in a wave of unstable emotional well-being the basic feelings remain the only constant within me. 

I need to love someone.  That is the only certainty which exists within this version of me.  When I scrape away the clouds surrounding my mind that is the only clear vision of truth. 


  1. You say that you need to love someone, but are you being specific enough? Could you love a woman who has no desire to dominate you? No desire for you as a sub? Have you ever scraped away the clouds on this issue? As a natural sub, could you love a totally vanilla woman?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I believe that I could love a vanilla woman and have loved vanilla women. Whether it would be completely happy/fulfilling I can't say for certain, but probably not. I don't know if that would nag me enough to turn it away, but I would likely choose love over submission if it were an either/or situation.

      This is in part because I can still act as I would act in a vanilla situation and ideally, the part of me that wants to pamper and cherish would be appreciated.

      The biggest limiting factor is that I have never had a successful vanilla relationship. Granted, I haven't attempted to have one since my early 20's, but when I pursued them I gave them my all. Many of my submissive behaviors/ideals were as a result of attempting to "upgrade" myself. I can't say what I would do if one presented itself, but I do believe the sex might prove to be problematic in the end.

      Another major factor would be if she was fully aware of and tolerant/accepting of my submissive side. I don't think someone that would treat that side of myself with disgust/rejection would ever be willing to love me back.

      If a vanilla woman had loved me before K did, I never would have ended up in this lifestyle. It was actually a very promising relationship that failed after less than two weeks that prompted a talk with K that led to our eventual relationship. I also attempted to vanilla date between K and F but to no avail.

      Overall... it's hard to give an absolute answer on any of this as I'm like the one person on the planet where it's harder for me to find a vanilla relationship than a kinky one.

      I hope this answered things at least partially.

      Take care.

  2. When you say the following, I think you're at the crux of the matter:

    "Another major factor would be if she was fully aware of and tolerant/accepting of my submissive side. I don't think someone that would treat that side of myself with disgust/rejection would ever be willing to love me back."

    I agree, and I think that finding such a woman with such a tolerance would be extraordinarily difficult. Unfortunate, but true.

    Now, do you really feel that it was nothing more than a failed vanilla relationship that led you to submission? I find it hard to buy that, fur. I just don't think that any one situation could turn you into a sub any more than one situation can turn a straight person into a gay. In the end, I feel, one's inner self will win out, even if it exists only within the secret soul of that person and never reveals itself in public. What say you to that?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I do know there are a handful of vanilla women out there that would be accepting but it is probably more difficult to locate them than it would be to find another kink relationship in the future.

      That failed relationship was not the only reason, but that moment was a key moment in the stream of time and potential events. I had been friends with K for a while at this point and we were just friends. I had told her about the promising dates and great times I had with this new woman. She encouraged me. I told K about what happened when it fell apart. This led to a long talk about love, life, and relationships where she asked me for my thoughts and I revealed my ideals of love and relationships. It wasn't long after that she told me I was a submissive... and that led her to loving me, knowing that I had potential for the lifestyle. I would never have had the courage to pursue it on my own.

      I should note that by someone loving me before was in reference to any of the women that I loved over the years. I will respond to things in full with another post.

      Take care.

    2. Well, as I wrote the post it was just a rehash of things I have already written so I decided to scrap it.

      Basically, my road to submission can be traced starting at being put up for adoption, then through having my penis humiliated for being different at 4, being shamed by my sister from touching her coat at 4, the destruction of my sense of worth due to years of abuse and establishment of the idea that love must be earned. This continued with M's games as she became the one girl that liked me... and she would stay with me if I did what she said, then into the dark ages of my life when I tried my hardest to die but always survived and I came out the other end with the idea that love must be the one thing worth living for purely on blind faith.

      I never fell in love someone until I saw the beauty of their soul but I manged to love many yet I was rejected over 20 times. Every time I failed I would obsess about my personal flaws, which ones could be changed and which ones could not (e.g. I couldn't make myself taller or change my skin color). This led me to an obsessive pursuit of becoming a "great lover," and the behaviors and ideas that I came to ended up basically being a submissive.

      At any time one of the women I had fallen for could have stopped the progression down this path, but none ever did and it led me straight to K.

      I apologize for this reply being quite the mess but it is a brief outline of the path as I see it. There would have had to have been MANY things done differently in order to have steered me in a different direction.

      If I had to key in on the biggest factor it is probably that I was able to channel my terror of being unloved into a positive motivation to keep going and keep improving myself. It wasn't healthy, but I don't think I turned out too badly (aside from my depression and tendency to get neurotic every so often).

      Take care.