I would normally avoid posting when I'm in a mood like this as it is hard for me to put my present insecurity on display for the world to see. I'm not one to cry out for help unless I've exhausted every potential avenue at my disposal. From my experiences, giving off the impression of desperate or pathetic tends to act as repellent: it's not fun and people fear being dragged down by the drowning man. Over the years I have trained myself to get by on very little. I don't need reassurance... I just need someone there. Their presence gives me proof that I am okay but their absence leaves me spiraling.
The way I go about this is to show the opposite of what I'm feeling. Be funny, charismatic, magnetic, energetic, excited, thoughtful, caring, attentive, and personable. Show them what I can add to their life rather than drain from it. Be amazing: the best version of me.
For most of my life this has worked out fairly well. I attract others. It is exhausting, but their presence soothes the pain on its own. Connections are fulfilling. I am okay. Once things stabilize I am able to relax this part of myself.
When it fails I collapse. It completely drains me to remain in this state. I turn the pain inward. I wasn't enough. Blame myself, make an inward promise to try even harder next time. Bask in the emptiness of rejection.
Two weeks ago T kicked the ground out from under me in a bad way. It left me feeling despised... unloved... and isolated. The place it left me in my head was utterly terrifying. I shut down for a day and a half just to weather it out. In its aftermath was when I began reaching out.
I do not approach people with weakness in hand. I don't show up with the intent to take from them. I approach and hope to contribute... to add to them... to impact their life in a positive way. With blogs I scour and read and try to leave thoughtful comments and support. I dig through forums and discussions, hoping to contribute and tapping into my experiences to help people and try to illuminate the path. In chats I try to seek out those who easily get swept away. The people who, like me, just want to be noticed and matter to someone. I treat people like I want to be treated. I give them the contact that I hope so dearly that others would give to me.
When this fails I just want to scream. I want to cry and smash things. It makes my heart twist and ache. I feel weak, pathetic, invisible, and rejected and I question what is wrong with me. I can't understand what is wrong with me because this same course has granted success many times before. Have I changed and I just can't tell how much? Or has the world changed so much that I don't understand it anymore?
Seeing as how the new people I reach out to do not even give me a response... I have no idea. I just know that it hurts and I would not to subject others to this same set of feelings.
So, for the entire world to see as I sit here in a state of misery: I need a hug.