I think a lot of this is rooted in my psychological damage. I am firmly convinced that I have to earn every bit of love and affection I might ever receive. Perfection and excellence keep me "worthy" of being kept around. Only dedication and supreme effort all the time give me any kind of emotional security.
I will admit that writing this out makes those things look rather twisted. To be honest, those aren't conscious realizations that I ever experience. Those are the result of analysis and the understanding I have come to about how I process my emotions.
I can openly admit that I am only truly happy when I love and I am loved. As such, when I am lucky enough to be in love, all of those feelings are channeled into actions and my beliefs naturally shift to preserve that state. Again, this is not a conscious process, as it is happening I just feel the constant driving need to make her happy.
Prioritizing her needs comes naturally because I want her to be happy.
Nothing that she wants can ever be unfair or unreasonable. If I feel that way I am undeserving of her love.
Any corrective measures applied towards me are signs of love and help me preserve my place in her life and I love her for helping me.
I should happily accept
I should not expect
My mind has a way of coping and creating answers to any question that might otherwise disturb the peace.
On some levels these might seem stupid and potentially dangerous. I agree with both of those assessments. They are the means of coping I developed at a young age to deal with a broken situation and I still seem to lean on them to this day.
A positive it is that the women I have been in love with have never questioned the depth of my love, the strength of my devotion, or the truth behind my desires. Another would be that within the darkness I learned to love with all of my being and accept her desires as if they were my own.
While I may at times feel battered and broken, I accept things as they are.
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