I've gone a few days without being able to channel the deep submissive feelings that I desire to have. I've been trying to figure out what has been missing and I'm feeling like I am understanding it a bit better.
I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late. It has been nice.
The answer sort of jumped out after that. I am addicted to shame.
When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it. I feel undeserving of it. I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.
When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self. I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself. My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.
To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn. When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down. I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people. It feels wrong. When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall. Everything makes more sense from this perspective. This is my equilibrium. My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state.
I feel like I'm addicted to shame.
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