It's sort of odd that while I am able to easily share highly personal and difficult memories, I struggle like hell to "own" the way that many of my kinks and fetishes affect me. There is no peace inside my heart in regards to them. I have not truly come to terms with them. I have never learned to accept myself in this way.
A lot of this is due to the residual effects of being shamed at a young age. It caused certain things to be taboo. It created boatloads of guilt following desire. Many pleasurable experiences were followed up by deep feelings of self-loathing. I would love to say that since entering BDSM that this has gotten easier. It hasn't.
Kink-shaming is an odd one because it ranges from overt to covert, with everything in between. As the BDSM community as a whole is still vastly M/f, it is inevitable if you spend time in communities to hear "a real man" phrases. A real man would do this. A real man would never do that. This phrase is mostly used by male dominants and the majority of its uses imply that submissive men are not real men. I don't know if they are all that aware of what it actually says about them. I have known a number of respectable, respectful, and intelligent male dominants and none of them would ever use a phrase like that. Eventually you just learn to shut off the noise from that side of things but remain readily aware that at least one demographic in the scene will most likely look down at you.
Female subs are generally split on the subject. It depends heavily if they see you as similar to how they are or if they focus on how different you are. The ones who focus on the differences are the types to rally around the "a real man" phrases.
Dommes vary so greatly in their desires that it is rather unpredictable. Once you get a feel for their philosophies it becomes easier to guess what type of reaction you will receive. Often you receive the reaction before you ever make it to the philosophies.
Many of the negative reactions come from (mostly deserved) stereotypes. e.g. If a sub is into _____, then they are likely focused only on themselves and have this ideal of a fantasy lifestyle that will never happen. This isn't the type of philosophy that is formed out of thin air... it is built up over months of wasted time, harassment, and a whole lot of rude messages. The worse the experiences, the stronger the feelings.
There are also the cases where there is no perceived benefit to the Domme and/or they do not grasp how it will influence and affect dynamics in a positive way. In some cases this can lead to a discussion. In other cases it is written off without a second thought.
"Your Kink is Not My Kink," aka YKINMK, can mean a spectrum of things. In an ideal world, I believe it would always mean "I understand your kink, I'm just not into that." In the actual world it sometimes is the politically correct form of calling you a freak. e.g. I say this to your face, but behind closed doors I will slam you for being a perverse deviant. This happens so often in the vanilla world that it's rarely shocking. When it happens in what is supposed to be an open-minded community, it stings twice as bad. In case it seems like I'm slinging mud here, I am prone to doing it on occasion as well. If someone wants to talk about shit-eating as a kink, I play the hard limit card and try to get away from the subject as quickly as possible because it grosses me out.
Really, I don't think we expect everyone to like us. We might wish for it, but everywhere you go there will be people that you mesh with and people that you just cannot seem to find common ground with. We don't always need "like" for "respect and accept." I believe what people fear the most is outright rejection.
Many times in the kink community, people see you as your role. They see you as your kinks. They screen you with those factors first before seeing you as a person.
I expect to be kink-shamed. I expect to be shown a polite face of "your kink is not my kink," while knowing full well that they are telling their friend that I am a freak. I expect that most male dominants won't speak to me because of my role and interests. It's kind of strange to believe that initial judgments will happen so quickly and severely. I see this as shaming in its own light. Making you feel unwanted because of your role or interests is basically the same thing, isn't it? Judging you for checklists on a page instead of who you are as a person never feels good.
This is why I dance around certain subjects and have trouble just being forthcoming with how things affect me. I'm scared. This is the most vulnerable and truest side of my private self. If someone rejects it, it hurts the worst because it is the true me. Often I will hide it and only give enough detail so that people will have to see me as a person first.
Taking this a step farther, I have actually fetishized kink-shaming to an extent. The caveat is that rejection is not involved. If someone accepts me and keeps me around as a sub (or even just as a friend), I don't mind them thinking that I am perverse. This actually fuels my submissive mental space and I never doubt the truth behind their words. It makes me feel screwed up inside... but in a good way, because they point out everything I already fear to be true, but they keep me around instead of leaving me behind. This is the closest that I come to finding peace with my kinks.
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