My mind has been wandering a lot on various topics. Domina Jen's most recent post as well as my Random thoughts on arousal post just have the wheels turning in my mind on related subject matter. Forgive me if I repeat any topics that I have covered somewhere in the past. I have written about so many things that I end up repeating myself quite often even if it is years apart.
I can remember the time in my life where I first found myself envious of girls and women. I'm not so blind that I would say that women have things better. There are plenty of ways in which society, history, religion, and lesser evolved humans attempt to keep women down. There are plenty of standards by which women are measured that are not fair. Things are different for women than they are for men. I believe that most people would agree with that statement.
It was in my mid to late teen years when I found myself experiencing an emotional awakening of sorts after years of repression. I hadn't been close with a girl since preschool. My hardened outward self had made me someone that wasn't conducive to that (I was a prick and they wanted nothing to do with me). When I allowed myself to soften I found myself in quite a few friendships with women. From 16-24, the vast majority of my friendships were with women. It wasn't long before I could start to see why it was so easy to connect with them on an emotional and personal level.
Up until that point I pretty much had two types of experiences with male peers. 1. Jocks. 2. The "gifted" kids. The jocks were, as you could have guessed, pretty typical of jocks. In that world, the big, the strong, and the fast excel. Once the pack leader has been chosen, everyone sort of falls into line and maintains an "acceptable" type of behavior in order to fit in. Group think, mob mentality, and following the guy that is the most likely to end up as the starting quarterback/point guard/ace pitcher in high school. Weakness is devoured.
The gifted kids had a similar type of hierarchy. In most cases, there is a somewhat socially competent kid of above average intelligence with parents that led him to believe he is God's gift to Elvis. This becomes the pack leader and he sets the tone for the vibes and acceptable preferences of the group. They are the one that decides that the Highlander is awesome and everyone else must agree. More group think. More repressed self.
I remember during my emotionally "dead" time that I just go so fucking tired of people insisting how to act, what to like, what to dislike, and so on. It also became abundantly clear that I would not be able to share any of my inner-self within those environments. Too much risk. No compassion or empathy. I willingly dropped from the gifted programs around the same time I quit sports. I was fed up.
It took me a while to be able to express myself. In the earlier stages, I simply listened to people and empathized with them. I was able to express and put into words what they were feeling far better than I could sort through my own emotions. Many of my very early dear friends were girls. They were the ones who could express themselves. They were the ones who could voice their doubts, their fears, and their desires. Their pressures were different. In the mid-90's they were fighting on two fronts: society's insistence that they be thin and pretty and the rising belief that women should be empowered, confident, and free.
While this duality would often damaged their self-esteem, a great difference was that they were comfortable having feelings, expressing them, and showing their true selves. Even after awakening I still maintained a specific face I showed to the world. I still felt a need to constantly be on the defensive and protect myself. Knowing how far off I was from the societal ideal male damaged my self-esteem as well, I just wasn't allowed to talk about it.
I began to notice the girls had a freedom of emotion. They had a freedom of self. At this time, at least in my school, the 1980's ideals were crumbling at a rapid pace. Being independent and different was encouraged. A nerd girl? Hot. A "weird" girl with pink hair? Hot. She has that "ordinary girl next door thing going on?" Hot. It was like... they could be anything and there would always be people who were accepting of that and wanting to be around.
The corresponding male counterpart seemed to be stuck in a role dictated by appearances. An attitude. A way to dress. Be cool. Always be cool. You HAVE to be cool. It was just another form of restriction that led to false behaviors.
I remember when I first started to feel envy. I envied the emotional freedom and expression. I envied the ease with which they could express themselves in physical contact. I envied that they could like what they wanted to like without fearing peer judgment.
This wasn't all hearts and flowers. There were also the eating disorders, backstabbing, double-standards, and the like. The same behaviors were running rampant in my guy friends, the key difference being their inability to cope and deal with their own emotions. As I grew older I began to respect homosexuals a whole lot for the courage and strength it takes to live openly and weather out the storm of a society that is still largely intolerant.
I kept all of these thoughts to myself.
As I grew older and discovered certain websites (e.g. NTCweb), my fur fetish and Femdom fantasies began to grow exponentially. If anyone had found out about these things, I have no doubt that I would have killed myself. That was the depth and shame of the secret parts of myself that I kept hidden.
As my abundant friendships with women continued and I returned to the cold climate after spending a few years on the coast, I certainly began to notice a few things. As I was on a large campus that routinely involved 15 minute walks from my car to a class or standing outside waiting for a bus for 20 minutes in the freezing cold, I found myself at the store, actually looking at scarves, hats, and the like that I had shunned for so many years. On that same trip, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the women's section as well, my heart racing and body temperature rising as I looked over the fur-trimmed coats and accessories. After spending 30 minutes working up some courage, I finally managed to touch a handful of things with the cover story of "looking for a gift for my girlfriend" in case I was approached.
To my surprise, a scarf in the women's section was half the weight, twice as warm, and about ten times as soft as a scarf in the men's section. Even if they were both acrylic, they found a way to make the women's version infinitely nicer and there were dozens of variations of color, style, and material to choose from. Apparently with our 5 o'clock shadows we aren't supposed to be able to tell the difference between luxury softness and two-notches smoother than sandpaper.
This was a sticking point of another form of envy. Women had access to things that are much nicer. The people catering to them understood that comfort matters. In addition to comfort, they were also more functional (warmth to weight ratio). A woman could have gone out and purchased a fur scarf and then enjoyed the feel of it while it kept her warm. I had to spend an hour doing laps in a nervous sweat before working up the courage to touch the fur scarf on the rack before scurrying home and throwing up out of shame and guilt. She could have purchased a men's scarf and worn it without harm. Had I done the same I would have faced ridicule, scorn, and the risk of physical violence.
Men aren't supposed to enjoy themselves in that way. They aren't supposed to want to be pampered and made to feel physically good. Has anyone ever wondered why with all the fat dudes out there that they don't make men's jeans with a stretch denim waistband?
As time moved on, I entered the world of BDSM. As I delved into communities, both local and online, I quickly began to notice just how much easier it was for women to express their submission, preferences, and the like than men were. I actually remembered back as early as high school meeting girls that were open about kink and that persisted in college as well. On the other hand, I was terrified. For years I had lived in secret shame with my kinks and fetishes. I had never told anyone about M and the way that she would tie me up. Even after my experiences with K, I was deathly afraid of admitting what I was into.
In a lot of ways, male subs are seen as lowly. There are a huge number of them that go around spamming every Domme around with cock shots and the results are quite damaging because it is difficult to differentiate yourself from the rest. The more intense your kinks are, the more likely you are to be written off as a fantasy wanker. On the other side, there seems to be far fewer inhibitions by women to be open about their kinks. Many can comfortably cite them as part of themselves with a "take it or leave it" attitude.
I wish I could be brave enough to just openly like what I like. I wish I could be strong enough to just show my true face more often. I probably will never be able to do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment