Thoughts on developing dominance

As there are fewer available Dommes than available male subs, opportunities are often dependent upon newer Dommes entering the lifestyle.  This may be a single woman looking for the first time or a woman in a long-term relationship that has decided to enter the role, often at the behest of their significant other with submissive tendencies.

In both cases, newer Dommes face a very steep learning curve. Early on they will often scour the internet for resources and probably get a bit freaked out by porn or from the written words of experienced veterans.  It is hard to be confident when you do not have a history of success to draw confidence from.  It is hard to know what you want when you have not thought about life in this way.  While many protocols are easy to teach/learn, other aspects require experience and developing an independent dominant identity.

In many ways it is easier to embrace submission than it is to embrace dominance.  When we look at the what we deem to be positive characteristics in other humans it becomes clear.  When we talk about "good people," it usually means someone is caring, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, sensitive, helpful, patient, self-sacrificing, and so on.  The ideal submissive role runs pretty parallel to the ideal good person.

The dominant is often encouraged not to abide by these standards.  It is okay to be selfish and impulsive.  It is okay to manipulate and use.  It is okay to torment and inflict various types of pain.  It is okay to take without giving back.  It is okay to do all of these things without remorse.  Outside of the consensual lifestyle, these are the characteristics we mostly associate with sociopaths, narcissists, and the like.  It takes a lot more than a simple explanation of "this is what makes both parties happy so it is okay" to overcome the mental hurdle involved here.  It takes a lot of time, growth, and understanding as to how everything fits together, how to embrace power/control, and to be able to do it all without guilt.  This process can't really be rushed.

What inevitably happens during the early stages is that the Domme is heavily dependent on feedback, ideas, and suggestions from the sub as she gets her feet wet.  A common narrative for this type of interaction is that as time passes, the sub will feel more and more comfortable guiding things where they want it to go and the Domme slowly grows in confidence and begins to develop her own philosophies and desires.  At some point, these paths clash and what began as "helpful suggestion" has now evolved into "topping from the bottom."

I have been in relationships with newer Dommes before.  I have also served as a bit of a mentor for a number of women that were new to the lifestyle.  It can be a challenge to guide while avoiding the clash in the future.  This can be hard to do at times because it involves diminishing your own desires and preferences.  Encouraging her to find her own path, her own views, and her own philosophies involves putting the emphasis upon her.  I want her to find what she wants.  Seeking her own interests and valuing my opinion less and less.  I feel like things have grown successfully when my opinion barely matters if it matters at all.  I feel like we are there when she values her own desires more than she values my feelings.  I don't know if this route is "correct," but I want my input to become obsolete.