Thoughts on Humiliation and Self

There are times when I hate that humiliation is such a strong gateway to bring me to my submissive mental space.  There are times when I hate that this process turns me on.  When I think about why I carry this frustration, it isn't because I dislike it.  It is because I fear that it will affect how others see me, and in turn, it will affect how others treat me.

My whole life there is one thing I have feared more than anything else.  I fear it more than pain and suffering.  I fear it more than humiliation and embarrassment.  I fear it more than losing my freedom.  That greatest fear is abandonment.  This one isn't unique.  I'm sure there are millions of other adopted individuals out there like me, who deep down have this terrified, creeping feeling that everyone they love will eventually leave.

I will do anything to make them stay with me and love me.  This was the mantra of my heart and soul for many years.  Well, it still is.  It is a manifestation of the broken parts of myself.  The trauma... the phobias... the deep down sense of longing... these fuel me to become the best version of myself.   Deep down, it is all a lie.  If I keep working hard, I can convince someone that I am better than I really am.  I can make them believe that I'm not just fucked up, useless, and broken beyond repair.

I have tried to heal.  I know what can be explained with logic and rationalized.  I know what the objective truth is.  The problem is that deep down, my heart's view of myself doesn't change.  No matter what I may accomplish, I always feel like I have duped the people that believe in me.

Over the past couple of years I have come to discover what my subspace truly is.  My submissive mental space is the state I enter when I accept and embrace the full extent of my vulnerability.  The honesty makes me feel submissive.  When I feel submissive, I feel honest.

Humiliation feels honest.  It is merely someone pointing out all of the things that I know to be true but I wish were not.  The truth hurts.  It is shameful, but it is true.  That honesty forces open my vulnerability and leaves me submissive.  It brings out the best version of myself.  Hurt me with the truth, but please don't leave me.

This may very well sound pathetic.  I don't consciously process these emotions in the moment.  I generally react with impulses.  Fierce motivation, intense obedience, and ultimate adoration of the one I love exist and are real in the moment.  It is only upon reflection that I can trace the roots of causality.  Honestly, it makes me a good submissive.

In my relationships she has always found a balance.  When she would care about me deeply, she would want to fix me, but after a while, we just make things work with me the way that I am.  Utilize the drive and dedication I generate from within... that are gently linked to fear.

There is a blueprint here.  Work me hard, drive me to utter exhaustion, and always expect perfection.  Take everything you can, use me absolutely, exploit all of me for your benefit.  Trap me, enslave me, and shackle me to your will.  Keep me broken, never able to rise up.  Play my fears against me, cripple me with doubt, and prod me to always try harder.  Dangle that carrot of love and affection and I will never tire.  Let me taste just enough to believe it is within reach and I will toil away without complaint.

When I am perfect, the doubts and fears fade away.  This is the only solution I can see.  This is a goal I should never reach.

Or, not.  I do like the warm fuzzies of intimacy, the feelings of the heart bursting with love, and embracing deeply with a connection of the soul.  Either way works for me.  Dealer's choice.

Although now that I think about it, it doesn't have to be one or the other.  Choosing to do both is an option, and probably the preferred one :)