Thoughts on D/s Relationships

In a lot of ways you would think that it would be easier for those in the lifestyle to communicate with one another because we share so much in common.  Unfortunately there is often a clash of understanding since our backgrounds and belief structure tend to differ so greatly.  A lot of the time I enjoy talking about the differences, especially to hear people's reasons for why they believe what they do.  A lot of times it doesn't bode well though.  I don't have to agree with someone, but I do like to understand them.  Trying to maintain an open view can be hit or miss.

People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things.  There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type.  Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type.  They loved first, added kink later.  Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together. 

When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky.  I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive.  This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.

The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start.  This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire.  While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously.  A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.  

This can be a bit different with women.  Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less.  Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit.  Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course.  Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths.  Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person.  Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles.  Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners.  The list goes on.

This doesn't even have preferences in mind.  Are they seeking a slave?  A submissive life-partner?  A beta to run with their alpha?  Another alpha to dominate?  A houseboy/maid?  When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ. 

Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics.  Master/slave?  Female superiority/supremacy?  FLR?  24/7?  Bedroom only?  Somewhere in between? 

Is it consent-based?  Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent?  Will the sub be respected as an equal?  Treated as an inferior?  Respected but not equal?  Will there be love?  Will it be formal? 

Another major factor is experience level.  Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways.  Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations.  People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up.  This has a pretty large impact upon it all.  Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities?  Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?

It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant.  With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most.  With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way.  The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start. 

I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience.  This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor.  When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.