Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Pegging picture
I don't know why a lot of my drawings have some form of strap-on play. It's really not an activity that I enjoy that much aside from the sub-space depth that it pushes me to but it keeps popping up somehow.
Requests for picture ideas, inspiration, etc.
I had someone contact me for a portrait request of his Mistress last week for her birthday that is coming up. That really made me feel good and I was a bit shocked as I'm still not confident in my abilities. I won't be posting it until after the said birthday, but he was able to tell it was her and also that it was him kneeling beside her and that's about all I can really hope for at this point.
My drawing muse has started to dry up a bit. I've gotten halfway through a couple of pictures and then just gotten tired of them before I was finished.
If anyone has any ideas or requests I can see what I can do. Either a verbal description or some pictures/photos to use as inspiration would be appreciated if anyone would like to share.
My drawing muse has started to dry up a bit. I've gotten halfway through a couple of pictures and then just gotten tired of them before I was finished.
If anyone has any ideas or requests I can see what I can do. Either a verbal description or some pictures/photos to use as inspiration would be appreciated if anyone would like to share.
Redrawing an old drawing
I did a re-draw of my first drawing that I posted trying to integrate some of the techniques that I've developed since then.
I think it came out quite a bit better but also shows me just how much farther I have to go.
I think it came out quite a bit better but also shows me just how much farther I have to go.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Reactions and the Likeliness of Rejection
I was recently asked by someone Giles English over at Chastity Belt Erotica how vanilla women typically react to a man being a cross-dresser or sissy.
After giving it some thought I realized that the spectrum of reactions are usually the same to pretty much all fetish activities that fall outside the realm of "standard" sexual practice. Luckily I've never really been "discovered" by anyone vanilla. All of my relationships since my first Mistress were basically founded upon shared kink. I have shared some more intimate details of things with a couple of female friends over the years and luckily have never had a negative reaction, but I doubt they could be classified as the norm.
In the context of introducing your own fetish ideas to a woman that you are involved with, there's a few things to consider.
If you have a long-standing relationship, the longer you go without giving any indication about the fetish, the greater the chance that they will have feelings of betrayal and/or deceit that "color" their reactions. These may magnify a reaction in a negative way or in rare cases it might be a "oh, that explains a lot" reaction in a good or at least neutral way. As relationship length and intimacy grow longer, the strength of such feelings will likely increase. Think: "I didn't know this is who I've been with for all this time..."
In a newer relationship the likeliness of them flat out rejecting you and/or betraying your confidence is higher since they aren't as emotionally invested and probably don't know you (or value you) as well as they would have if your relationship had gone on for years. Think: "Get away from me, you pervert!"
While neither of these characteristics can guarantee an outcome, they just make certain outcomes more probable.
The three primary reactions that I would see as most common are:
A. Disgust.
B. Curiosity.
C. Playful amusement.
Disgust is most greatly influenced by feelings of betrayal/distrust/deceit.
Curiosity is more likely in newer relationships.
Playful amusement is equally likely in each case, but it's rare to come across a woman that is confident enough to take things in stride and be exhilarated more than freaked out.
In all cases there will likely be a period of anger/rejection on her part while she processes things but she will probably communicate about it before giving a final reaction.
Another major factor determining what her most likely reaction will be is the extremity of the fetish activity.
Everyone's scale of extremity probably looks different, but here's my own interpretation as to how I think "most people" might view things of a kinky nature with 1 being most mild and 10 being most extreme:
1. Teasing, blindfolds, massage, body worship
2. Light bondage, ice, mild nipple play
3. Tease & denial, prolonged oral, mild spanking
4. Moderate bondage, wax play, intense nipple play
5. Humiliation, chastity, intense corporal punishment
6. Forced feminization, face sitting, puppy/pony play
7. Pegging, extreme bondage, blackmail (or at least the fantasy of)
8. Cuckolding, forced bi, piercing, 24/7
9. Branding, permanent chastity, scat play, water sports, knife/needle play
10. Heavy torture, maiming, castration, long-term imprisonment, forced transgender
The farther you go up the list the more likely you will be met with a negative reaction. While there are cases where you might just luck out with her number one secret fantasy of all time, I wouldn't bank on it. Basically, the more deviant the activity and its shock value, the greater risk you are taking when opening up about your secrets.
At the same time, the longer you spend keeping it a secret, the greater the chance that any negativity will be increased by feelings of betrayal and deceit. This is where it becomes a fine line. Wait too long and you might floor her. Do it too soon and she might drop you on the spot.
On the submissive side of things, the longer you put it off the greater chance you have of increasing fetish intensity or even advancing your fantasies to a more extreme level. It also takes a lot of time being deceitful/ashamed and makes it even harder to share in the future.
While there's many men out there that tend to stick in this limbo between being forthcoming or keeping it completely secret, I believe they're almost better off to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. If she processes things and accepts it, this will minimize the damage if the relationship can be salvaged. On the chance that she may reject you for it, at least keeping secrets is over and you can start trying to find a relationship that will be fulfilling and secret-free from the start.
Also, the lower on the scale of intensities that you are when you choose to communicate, the better. If you are riding at say a level 4 and keep it a secret from your lover, time, fantasy, and masturbating to it in secret has a nasty habit of turning a 4 into a 5, 6, 7, or 8 over a few years, which will make it even harder to communicate about openly.
After giving it some thought I realized that the spectrum of reactions are usually the same to pretty much all fetish activities that fall outside the realm of "standard" sexual practice. Luckily I've never really been "discovered" by anyone vanilla. All of my relationships since my first Mistress were basically founded upon shared kink. I have shared some more intimate details of things with a couple of female friends over the years and luckily have never had a negative reaction, but I doubt they could be classified as the norm.
In the context of introducing your own fetish ideas to a woman that you are involved with, there's a few things to consider.
If you have a long-standing relationship, the longer you go without giving any indication about the fetish, the greater the chance that they will have feelings of betrayal and/or deceit that "color" their reactions. These may magnify a reaction in a negative way or in rare cases it might be a "oh, that explains a lot" reaction in a good or at least neutral way. As relationship length and intimacy grow longer, the strength of such feelings will likely increase. Think: "I didn't know this is who I've been with for all this time..."
In a newer relationship the likeliness of them flat out rejecting you and/or betraying your confidence is higher since they aren't as emotionally invested and probably don't know you (or value you) as well as they would have if your relationship had gone on for years. Think: "Get away from me, you pervert!"
While neither of these characteristics can guarantee an outcome, they just make certain outcomes more probable.
The three primary reactions that I would see as most common are:
A. Disgust.
B. Curiosity.
C. Playful amusement.
Disgust is most greatly influenced by feelings of betrayal/distrust/deceit.
Curiosity is more likely in newer relationships.
Playful amusement is equally likely in each case, but it's rare to come across a woman that is confident enough to take things in stride and be exhilarated more than freaked out.
In all cases there will likely be a period of anger/rejection on her part while she processes things but she will probably communicate about it before giving a final reaction.
Another major factor determining what her most likely reaction will be is the extremity of the fetish activity.
Everyone's scale of extremity probably looks different, but here's my own interpretation as to how I think "most people" might view things of a kinky nature with 1 being most mild and 10 being most extreme:
1. Teasing, blindfolds, massage, body worship
2. Light bondage, ice, mild nipple play
3. Tease & denial, prolonged oral, mild spanking
4. Moderate bondage, wax play, intense nipple play
5. Humiliation, chastity, intense corporal punishment
6. Forced feminization, face sitting, puppy/pony play
7. Pegging, extreme bondage, blackmail (or at least the fantasy of)
8. Cuckolding, forced bi, piercing, 24/7
9. Branding, permanent chastity, scat play, water sports, knife/needle play
10. Heavy torture, maiming, castration, long-term imprisonment, forced transgender
The farther you go up the list the more likely you will be met with a negative reaction. While there are cases where you might just luck out with her number one secret fantasy of all time, I wouldn't bank on it. Basically, the more deviant the activity and its shock value, the greater risk you are taking when opening up about your secrets.
At the same time, the longer you spend keeping it a secret, the greater the chance that any negativity will be increased by feelings of betrayal and deceit. This is where it becomes a fine line. Wait too long and you might floor her. Do it too soon and she might drop you on the spot.
On the submissive side of things, the longer you put it off the greater chance you have of increasing fetish intensity or even advancing your fantasies to a more extreme level. It also takes a lot of time being deceitful/ashamed and makes it even harder to share in the future.
While there's many men out there that tend to stick in this limbo between being forthcoming or keeping it completely secret, I believe they're almost better off to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. If she processes things and accepts it, this will minimize the damage if the relationship can be salvaged. On the chance that she may reject you for it, at least keeping secrets is over and you can start trying to find a relationship that will be fulfilling and secret-free from the start.
Also, the lower on the scale of intensities that you are when you choose to communicate, the better. If you are riding at say a level 4 and keep it a secret from your lover, time, fantasy, and masturbating to it in secret has a nasty habit of turning a 4 into a 5, 6, 7, or 8 over a few years, which will make it even harder to communicate about openly.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I stayed up way too late finishing this one...
So... I should have gone to bed several hours ago but I wanted to finish this one. I think I wrote in one of my dream bondage posts about a punishment box. This is one form that has shown up in my dreams.
As for the drawing, I have one that isn't cropped at the legs... but I added the legs as an afterthought at the last minute (I had planned to have it cut off there) and didn't like how they turned out. I can post the "with legs" version if people want to see it. This version feels better focused.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Thoughts on drawing...
I was doing some thinking lately about how to improve my drawings.
Most illustrations and artwork have different body proportions than "actual" life. A lot of this dates back to the ancient Greeks and their contributions through sculpture. For example, if you scale the head size down to 7/8ths of actual but leave the body scale at 1:1, the form looks more impressive.
Something I've also noticed through my previous forays into drawing are that most illustrated works have limbs that are more slender than they appear in a photograph (to compensate for the "TV adds 20 lbs" syndrome that happens when a 3D object is flattened out to 2D).
Since most of my drawing so far has been based heavily upon models/photographs or in some cases, I've just flat out traced for practice, it has me asking myself (and others) a few questions.
Should I aspire for realism or shoot for the idealized/romanticized a la Sardax or Alberto Vargas' pinup art?
Should I simply let my own style "develop" as I keep going or try to change it now to make my works more attractive?
Most illustrations and artwork have different body proportions than "actual" life. A lot of this dates back to the ancient Greeks and their contributions through sculpture. For example, if you scale the head size down to 7/8ths of actual but leave the body scale at 1:1, the form looks more impressive.
Something I've also noticed through my previous forays into drawing are that most illustrated works have limbs that are more slender than they appear in a photograph (to compensate for the "TV adds 20 lbs" syndrome that happens when a 3D object is flattened out to 2D).
Since most of my drawing so far has been based heavily upon models/photographs or in some cases, I've just flat out traced for practice, it has me asking myself (and others) a few questions.
Should I aspire for realism or shoot for the idealized/romanticized a la Sardax or Alberto Vargas' pinup art?
Should I simply let my own style "develop" as I keep going or try to change it now to make my works more attractive?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cuckold and multi-sub scenarios
Recently, on Domina and anthony's blog The Path Least Chosen they have been discussing the idea of introducing an additional sub into the mix. This got me thinking a bit about my own D/s relationship both in the past and in the future.
Early on in our relationship when I knew that Mistress had a few kinks that fell into my list of hard limits I had given consent for her to play with other subs as long as it was merely as a Domme playing with a sub and not any romantic or emotional involvement. She has played with at least four other subs in the 5 years we've been together and in most cases I didn't mind. The most recent (about 18 months ago) did end up bothering me. She had changed jobs and our schedules didn't line up very well, so we didn't have much quality time available to us. Someone on a fur fetish forum contacted me and after some discussion we negotiated a trade. She would peg him and he would give her a fur coat. It started out as a casual friendship with some planned out play days but eventually Mistress started spending almost all of her free time with him and I would end up babysitting her son. This started to hurt my feelings after a while and I voiced that opinion to her. The idea was that I was to remain her number one and instead we ended up having no play together over the course of a couple of months and she played a couple of times a week with the new guy. Eventually he found a vanilla girlfriend and that pretty much ended that. This freedom for her to play eventually led to her drunken attempt to peg one of our vanilla friends while we had a group of friends over last October that I wrote about. I'm not quite sure my feelings upon having any type of outside relationship with another male sub at this point.
However, as is probably visible in my drawings, my mind has been delving into the realm of adding a female sub into the mix.
A couple of years ago she posted a profile on collarme seeking a female sub to add into the mix but we had little luck. She would get about 25 male subs a day asking if they could do it and a total of one female sub replied, who happened to be a woman that we had already met with before and rejected us because she didn't find me attractive (even though what we were working towards wasn't any type of involvement with me). Mistress is bi and has had sexual and kinky experiences with other women in the past.
I guess what I've realized is that I would like to work towards a scenario similar to what I have written about in my "lesbian fantasy" posts. It is actually something I would like to have happen pretty badly and I would be willing to relinquish my role as number one sub if this were to come about.
A femsub to serve Mistress and outrank me, one that is rather mean in her attempt to dominate Mistress's attention. Of course, there would have to be fur involved :)
Mistress and I haven't quite healed our relationship fully yet but I think this is something I would like to speak about more seriously in the future. I should add that I do know that the thought of this type of situation does turn her on quite a bit.
Early on in our relationship when I knew that Mistress had a few kinks that fell into my list of hard limits I had given consent for her to play with other subs as long as it was merely as a Domme playing with a sub and not any romantic or emotional involvement. She has played with at least four other subs in the 5 years we've been together and in most cases I didn't mind. The most recent (about 18 months ago) did end up bothering me. She had changed jobs and our schedules didn't line up very well, so we didn't have much quality time available to us. Someone on a fur fetish forum contacted me and after some discussion we negotiated a trade. She would peg him and he would give her a fur coat. It started out as a casual friendship with some planned out play days but eventually Mistress started spending almost all of her free time with him and I would end up babysitting her son. This started to hurt my feelings after a while and I voiced that opinion to her. The idea was that I was to remain her number one and instead we ended up having no play together over the course of a couple of months and she played a couple of times a week with the new guy. Eventually he found a vanilla girlfriend and that pretty much ended that. This freedom for her to play eventually led to her drunken attempt to peg one of our vanilla friends while we had a group of friends over last October that I wrote about. I'm not quite sure my feelings upon having any type of outside relationship with another male sub at this point.
However, as is probably visible in my drawings, my mind has been delving into the realm of adding a female sub into the mix.
A couple of years ago she posted a profile on collarme seeking a female sub to add into the mix but we had little luck. She would get about 25 male subs a day asking if they could do it and a total of one female sub replied, who happened to be a woman that we had already met with before and rejected us because she didn't find me attractive (even though what we were working towards wasn't any type of involvement with me). Mistress is bi and has had sexual and kinky experiences with other women in the past.
I guess what I've realized is that I would like to work towards a scenario similar to what I have written about in my "lesbian fantasy" posts. It is actually something I would like to have happen pretty badly and I would be willing to relinquish my role as number one sub if this were to come about.
A femsub to serve Mistress and outrank me, one that is rather mean in her attempt to dominate Mistress's attention. Of course, there would have to be fur involved :)
Mistress and I haven't quite healed our relationship fully yet but I think this is something I would like to speak about more seriously in the future. I should add that I do know that the thought of this type of situation does turn her on quite a bit.
Reflections on fur
Mistress ended up having to work tonight when she thought she had it off. It gets lonely, especially on weekends. In case anyone has ever wondered, this is why I am usually only available to blog three to four nights a week, as I don't blog when she is home.
Something else has caught my memory from my chat with Miss Lilly the other night. I was speaking a bit about the forced feminization in my relationship and reflecting upon it I stated something along the lines of: if I had known that it would become such a large part of my sexuality I may have refused it from the start.
I was thinking again tonight about how this came into being and I wondered how different things would have been if I had done that.
My primary fetish involving fur always has been for women wearing it. How different would I be now if I simply served a Venus in furs and the humiliation aspects of forced crossdressing hadn't been involved?
Honestly, I think I would be okay with it but I don't think my level of submission would be as deep as it is now nor the breadth of activities that I arouse me.
Considering that each of the Dommes I have served have seemingly "kept going where the other left off" in terms of using my fur fetish in a twisted way to turn me into a sissy, I have to wonder if others would have kept the same path or not.
Something else has caught my memory from my chat with Miss Lilly the other night. I was speaking a bit about the forced feminization in my relationship and reflecting upon it I stated something along the lines of: if I had known that it would become such a large part of my sexuality I may have refused it from the start.
I was thinking again tonight about how this came into being and I wondered how different things would have been if I had done that.
My primary fetish involving fur always has been for women wearing it. How different would I be now if I simply served a Venus in furs and the humiliation aspects of forced crossdressing hadn't been involved?
Honestly, I think I would be okay with it but I don't think my level of submission would be as deep as it is now nor the breadth of activities that I arouse me.
Considering that each of the Dommes I have served have seemingly "kept going where the other left off" in terms of using my fur fetish in a twisted way to turn me into a sissy, I have to wonder if others would have kept the same path or not.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Being "too submissive"
I'm feeling good enough to start blogging for real again. The impulses of negativity that had been ruining my days over the past month or two have silenced since yesterday and while I'm not a bundle of energy or anything, I'm feeling a whole lot better to my core.
Over my years in the lifestyle, two times I have been rejected by Dommes I was courting on the grounds that I was "too submissive." I'm guessing this was their way of voicing that my need for a very intense level of dominance was beyond what they would get turned on by doing, or it could have just as easily been a nice way of saying they weren't attracted to me.
I'm curious as to people's thoughts on this idea. Is there such a thing as "too submissive?" It's not like I am looking for a lifestyle in a stone dungeon chained to the wall 24-7 being fed scraps and going to the bathroom in a rusty bucket in the corner.
When I really think about it, I think what they must have meant in these cases is that they didn't think I would bring enough to the table in terms of the relationship aspect of things. At least, that is my best guess. They didn't want to be relied on all the time to make the decisions of where to eat, what we do, etc. and that I wouldn't have enough of an opinion or be interesting enough in that regards.
I guess I'm not quite sure. When in "courting mode" I project myself as being very flexible and I guess in some cases it's probably too flexible. I am someone that has a lot of interests and hobbies and a strong opinion on many things... but willing to fore go them unless asked.
I can see cases for this description where kink overlap is the issue or if someone has the personality of a doormat, but in the cases that I've had it used to describe me I don't think either was the case.
I guess I'm looking for opinions on this one. What would describing someone as "too submissive" mean to you?
Over my years in the lifestyle, two times I have been rejected by Dommes I was courting on the grounds that I was "too submissive." I'm guessing this was their way of voicing that my need for a very intense level of dominance was beyond what they would get turned on by doing, or it could have just as easily been a nice way of saying they weren't attracted to me.
I'm curious as to people's thoughts on this idea. Is there such a thing as "too submissive?" It's not like I am looking for a lifestyle in a stone dungeon chained to the wall 24-7 being fed scraps and going to the bathroom in a rusty bucket in the corner.
When I really think about it, I think what they must have meant in these cases is that they didn't think I would bring enough to the table in terms of the relationship aspect of things. At least, that is my best guess. They didn't want to be relied on all the time to make the decisions of where to eat, what we do, etc. and that I wouldn't have enough of an opinion or be interesting enough in that regards.
I guess I'm not quite sure. When in "courting mode" I project myself as being very flexible and I guess in some cases it's probably too flexible. I am someone that has a lot of interests and hobbies and a strong opinion on many things... but willing to fore go them unless asked.
I can see cases for this description where kink overlap is the issue or if someone has the personality of a doormat, but in the cases that I've had it used to describe me I don't think either was the case.
I guess I'm looking for opinions on this one. What would describing someone as "too submissive" mean to you?
The road to recovery
Well, things seem to be looking a bit upward in a good way. The weather still sucks but Friday I felt better emotionally than I did on Thursday and that breaks a huge string of (20+) days where I felt progressively worse.
It seems that going through my thoughts in the "Have I always been submissive?" post and chat with Miss Lilly helped steer me towards a better emotional direction.
It seems that going through my thoughts in the "Have I always been submissive?" post and chat with Miss Lilly helped steer me towards a better emotional direction.
Another practice portrait
Well, this one was supposed to turn into something else... but I just couldn't get the Domme that was supposed to be in the picture to look right and I was much happier with how the other woman turned out. I guess it ended up as a another practice portrait since this picture was the inspiration for what it was supposed to be.
Friday, March 11, 2011
A practice portrait
I stumbled across a picture last night and I immediately wanted to draw it. I thought it turned out fairly well.
Another new drawing
I drew this with some of the details from my post on Jan 12th of Revisiting the Lesbian Fantasy in mind.
In this fantasy scenario I was envisioning a Domme with two subs, one female and one male. The femsub outranks the male sub and receives preferential treatment. Her role is more of a nymphette sex kitten to the Domme while the male sub takes care of the tedious chores and receives the harshest beatings. If the Domme uses the male sub sexually it's either for cunnilingus or strap-on play.
Their behavior is rewarded differently. Based on the femsub's performance she will be allowed more or fewer orgasms per day. Based on the male sub's performance he will have more or fewer days until his next chastity release.
The Domme keeps them in "matching" maid's uniforms, with the male sub's uniform having adjustments to increase humiliation.
In this fantasy scenario I was envisioning a Domme with two subs, one female and one male. The femsub outranks the male sub and receives preferential treatment. Her role is more of a nymphette sex kitten to the Domme while the male sub takes care of the tedious chores and receives the harshest beatings. If the Domme uses the male sub sexually it's either for cunnilingus or strap-on play.
Their behavior is rewarded differently. Based on the femsub's performance she will be allowed more or fewer orgasms per day. Based on the male sub's performance he will have more or fewer days until his next chastity release.
The Domme keeps them in "matching" maid's uniforms, with the male sub's uniform having adjustments to increase humiliation.
Have I always been submissive?
This writing is a bit of catharsis to me...
A recent chat with a Miss Lilly, author of a newer blog called I Lead Him, led to the question if I have always been submissive towards women/girls.
Reflecting upon my past interactions with women, especially during my high school years, has taken on a bit of different perspective now than it has since i last thought about it.
During my mid to late teen years the majority of my closest friends were girls. It was probably a 60/40 split. Back then I was seen as a "good guy," and I had a fairly large social circle since I frequently had parties, could always make everyone laugh, played in bands, and used/abused drugs and alcohol. I was someone that people would talk to about their problems since I was a good listener and was able to give objective and insightful advice to what was going on. I was also able to find their good qualities and help build up their self-esteem.
I always made myself available to anyone and when the chips were down, people knew they could count on me to be there for them. Unfortunately this often opened me up to being used or taken advantage of by some people. At other times, people would treat me like their best friend when things were going bad but then never make time for me when things were going good. I call this being a "foul weather friend." This seemed to be most common with my women friends. I often felt like I was the shoulder to cry on between boyfriends.
At the time I was firmly convinced that I was just being a good guy... good friend, etc. and I was being taken advantage of. Now that I look back on things I know I wasn't as good of a guy as I thought I was but that path led me to my life as a submissive.
I was painfully single for most of high school and much of college. I know deep down I craved nothing more than to be loved and as Rob in the movie High Fidelity said "Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition." Unfortunately that disposition for me had set in at around age 14. No one my age seemed to find me attractive (although women twice my age and for some reason, effeminate gay males, seemed to like me).
I think much of why I was the way that I was... willing to go out of my way for others... was fear of loneliness. I wanted to be someone that other people wanted in their lives. I wanted to be someone that a woman wanted to love. That's not to say the behavior was forced... it was quite genuine at the time: it's who I wanted to be as a person. When I look back, somewhere down the line I must have started projecting that I was that guy who would be there for anyone at any time. Sure, there were people that took advantage of me but at the same time, I realize now how much I needed them. I'm sort of glad that I had them in my life for even a brief period even if it meant I was going to feel betrayed later.
This was especially painful with my women friends. Back then I made a philosophical pact with myself to never fall for a woman simply based upon physical attractiveness. I didn't want to be shallow or superficial since I didn't want to be judged for shallow or superficial reasons. I decided to not fall for a woman until I got to know her pretty well and enjoyed who she was deep down. This made me aspire to be someone that was caring, nurturing, courteous, polite, and reliable. I wanted them to see me deep down and want to be with me because of that. Unfortunately this led to several awkward times where I fell for women friends. In those cases it was sort of like I was the guy in the Onion's article: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
The women that used me when they needed me, was it really so one-sided? When I look back at it now I think I still needed them just as much. I needed them for the hope that I could be loved, either by one of them or they would talk me up so highly to one of their friends that the friend would be interested in me. I was pretty fucking desperate back then, but does that mean I was a bad person? It doesn't really matter really but as I thought through this a lot of the pain I had been carrying since I was younger has seemed to ease up quite a bit.
As I went through this I realized that this is really what set in motion my trip towards being a submissive. To do whatever it takes to please her, to make her smile, to make her feel good, to make her feel loved. As the years progressed my ideals grew beyond the emotional aspects of the relationship. To please her sexually, to give her ultimate bliss, to do whatever it took to satisfy her needs.
I became someone that was willing to sacrifice everything about myself for love. To feel loved was (and is) my one true need.
I'm not sure if that's where my arousal towards feeling used/replaceable stems from, but it makes sense that way. That's the role I ended up having to many of the women I was attracted to during my teens. Is that why it has become something that turns me on? I'm not sure.
What I can say is that it looks like I trained myself to be a submissive.
I'm copying/pasting that onion article here as it's pretty funny and pretty much exemplifies the power that women can wield over men.
From: http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/
By Kimberly Pruitt
I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.
We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.
It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.
Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.
Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.
Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.
Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
A recent chat with a Miss Lilly, author of a newer blog called I Lead Him, led to the question if I have always been submissive towards women/girls.
Reflecting upon my past interactions with women, especially during my high school years, has taken on a bit of different perspective now than it has since i last thought about it.
During my mid to late teen years the majority of my closest friends were girls. It was probably a 60/40 split. Back then I was seen as a "good guy," and I had a fairly large social circle since I frequently had parties, could always make everyone laugh, played in bands, and used/abused drugs and alcohol. I was someone that people would talk to about their problems since I was a good listener and was able to give objective and insightful advice to what was going on. I was also able to find their good qualities and help build up their self-esteem.
I always made myself available to anyone and when the chips were down, people knew they could count on me to be there for them. Unfortunately this often opened me up to being used or taken advantage of by some people. At other times, people would treat me like their best friend when things were going bad but then never make time for me when things were going good. I call this being a "foul weather friend." This seemed to be most common with my women friends. I often felt like I was the shoulder to cry on between boyfriends.
At the time I was firmly convinced that I was just being a good guy... good friend, etc. and I was being taken advantage of. Now that I look back on things I know I wasn't as good of a guy as I thought I was but that path led me to my life as a submissive.
I was painfully single for most of high school and much of college. I know deep down I craved nothing more than to be loved and as Rob in the movie High Fidelity said "Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition." Unfortunately that disposition for me had set in at around age 14. No one my age seemed to find me attractive (although women twice my age and for some reason, effeminate gay males, seemed to like me).
I think much of why I was the way that I was... willing to go out of my way for others... was fear of loneliness. I wanted to be someone that other people wanted in their lives. I wanted to be someone that a woman wanted to love. That's not to say the behavior was forced... it was quite genuine at the time: it's who I wanted to be as a person. When I look back, somewhere down the line I must have started projecting that I was that guy who would be there for anyone at any time. Sure, there were people that took advantage of me but at the same time, I realize now how much I needed them. I'm sort of glad that I had them in my life for even a brief period even if it meant I was going to feel betrayed later.
This was especially painful with my women friends. Back then I made a philosophical pact with myself to never fall for a woman simply based upon physical attractiveness. I didn't want to be shallow or superficial since I didn't want to be judged for shallow or superficial reasons. I decided to not fall for a woman until I got to know her pretty well and enjoyed who she was deep down. This made me aspire to be someone that was caring, nurturing, courteous, polite, and reliable. I wanted them to see me deep down and want to be with me because of that. Unfortunately this led to several awkward times where I fell for women friends. In those cases it was sort of like I was the guy in the Onion's article: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
The women that used me when they needed me, was it really so one-sided? When I look back at it now I think I still needed them just as much. I needed them for the hope that I could be loved, either by one of them or they would talk me up so highly to one of their friends that the friend would be interested in me. I was pretty fucking desperate back then, but does that mean I was a bad person? It doesn't really matter really but as I thought through this a lot of the pain I had been carrying since I was younger has seemed to ease up quite a bit.
As I went through this I realized that this is really what set in motion my trip towards being a submissive. To do whatever it takes to please her, to make her smile, to make her feel good, to make her feel loved. As the years progressed my ideals grew beyond the emotional aspects of the relationship. To please her sexually, to give her ultimate bliss, to do whatever it took to satisfy her needs.
I became someone that was willing to sacrifice everything about myself for love. To feel loved was (and is) my one true need.
I'm not sure if that's where my arousal towards feeling used/replaceable stems from, but it makes sense that way. That's the role I ended up having to many of the women I was attracted to during my teens. Is that why it has become something that turns me on? I'm not sure.
What I can say is that it looks like I trained myself to be a submissive.
I'm copying/pasting that onion article here as it's pretty funny and pretty much exemplifies the power that women can wield over men.
From: http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/
But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | ISSUE 45•24
I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?I knew you would understand. You always do.
We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.
It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.
Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.
Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.
Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.
Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A Woman's Work is Never Done... Unless...
I did another drawing based upon Lady Grey's "A Woman's Work is Never Done... Unless She Owns a male slave" suggestion and continued it as a theme.
I also made some modifications to the last drawing to meet her request for having the sissy chained to the snow shovel. I also added a dog tether that is meant to lead to an ankle cuff. The tether would have turned out better as chain but chains take a very long time and are difficult to make any changes.
I also made some modifications to the last drawing to meet her request for having the sissy chained to the snow shovel. I also added a dog tether that is meant to lead to an ankle cuff. The tether would have turned out better as chain but chains take a very long time and are difficult to make any changes.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Life still sucks hehe
I had thought I was starting to get my "groove" back but after a few things at work and Mistress relapsing into her BPD they seem to have taken another down-turn.
It's really quite frustrating to know that these emotions and thoughts are false yet being unable to overcome them while they are happening. Having to choke back tears when some crappy sentimental commercial shows up on TV isn't what I'd consider one of my finer moments.
Hopefully something good will happen soon to help turn things around. Until then I'll still be "part-time" on blogging in order to avoid using the internet as a crutch.
It's really quite frustrating to know that these emotions and thoughts are false yet being unable to overcome them while they are happening. Having to choke back tears when some crappy sentimental commercial shows up on TV isn't what I'd consider one of my finer moments.
Hopefully something good will happen soon to help turn things around. Until then I'll still be "part-time" on blogging in order to avoid using the internet as a crutch.
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