I have been thinking about the balance between my alpha and sub. It probably appears that I spend a lot of time in submissive head space but in actuality, aside from my writing and a few brief periods of privacy I am stuck in my alpha mode the majority if the time.
It is an interesting feeling for me to desire to bury the alpha side of myself so deeply. It is the fun part of me, the one that makes (vanilla) people interested in talking to me. It's where I'm funny and occasionally a little bit crazy. That space is where my hobbies reside.
Some comments from Misty on my broken post helped me put a few things into perspective. It's not that I don't value my alpha side. It has the potential for a lot of good, it is strong, it is fiercely loyal and protective of the ones I care about. I think it's that my alpha was born out of factors that were beyond my control... it became my default face for survival... coping... my learned way to exist spawned from years of wanting to die.
I think it is that I hate that it was necessary. I hate that I was so love-starved for many years that I had to be strong enough to live without it. I hate that people hurt me so deeply that I had to be able to tell them "fuck you" directly to their face. I can only imagine what I might have become if I didn't have to waste so much energy on simply surviving a miserable existence.
If I could be in submissive mode 24-7 I would love that. I could let all of the "interesting" parts of my personality go with ease, but I also know that its absence isn't the best version of myself. There are dozens of things that my alpha can do but my sub cannot.
If it was gone I could no longer teach others (I do this quite a bit outside of my blog). If it was gone I could not rise up in the face of adversity when the chips are down. If it was gone I could not be the protector or the "fun" in her life. In those ways I should probably value it more.
Maybe it's that I spent so many years being invulnerable that it took much greater effort... more courage... more strength to be vulnerable. I've never been one to value the things that came easily, I always preferred the reward of becoming good at something that I was originally bad at.
These thoughts are just more pieces to the puzzle that I am slowly putting together. At the end of this journey I might even feel like a whole person.