Wednesday, August 3, 2016


This is not a depression post.  I'm feeling just fine.   I'm merely throwing some thoughts and observations out there.  Over the past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking about what type of submissive I am.  I have met two others that are like me.  Our type has no name.  You will not find us in any descriptions.  I have been trying to find where everything fits together... the edges... the pieces to the puzzle... I want to put them together.


I am broken.  I'm not even ashamed to say it.  I am a broken person.  I am actually proud that I can function on the level that I do without dependence on medications, drugs of abuse, or alcohol to get by.  I have achieved excellence.  I am great at what I do.  Even when I am at my worst I have no trouble holding a job or maintaining ties to my friends.  I reach out when I am in trouble.  When I'm in the pit of despair I calculate.  Am I strong enough to climb back out or do I need to find a way to pass time in a non-harmful way while I regain my strength?

I have seen people throw their lives away.  I do not do this.  While I may not have a tremendous amount of ambition, I know that my life has meaning.  When I do something, I give it my all.  When I love, I love with all of myself.  I do not shy away from intimacy or the vulnerability of the heart.  While I often feel weak, those are my strengths.  I keep it together through the darkest of nights.  I stay true to my loyalty and self-respect.  I will never be hopeless, even if I feel hopeless.  I can persevere.

I am broken.  I will never truly believe that I have worth, that I am important, or that I inherently deserve to be happy.  Those ideas were stripped away from me when I was far too young.  I have no faith except that love is the greatest feeling in the world.  I do not feel I deserve it.  I believe deep down in my heart that I can earn it by giving all of myself.  If I ever stop, it feels like it will all slip away.

The only thing I have ever needed was for someone to allow this.  Someone to allow me to love them with my all.  Someone to appreciate the depth and intensity of my heart.  Someone to love more than I love myself.

I truly believe that what others might view as my greatest weakness is actually my source of strength. I have complete confidence that I can make the one I love smile with all of her heart, even if I cannot make myself smile.  It is through the warmth on her face, the love in her eyes that I smile... that I feel complete... that it doesn't matter if I am broken.

Does it make me so bad to want to dedicate myself to making the one I love happy?  Does it make me weak to care little for myself?  I don't really know as logic and the feelings within my heart don't always work together.  What I do know is that I have seen the face of those that live only for themselves.  I have seen the face of the betrayers, the liars, the cheaters, the thieves, and the bullies.  I do not see strength. 

The doctors tell me I am broken.  That my emptiness is a flaw.  If I had to choose between myself or the one I love, is it really so bad to choose them instead?

The only confusion I have is if I should see myself as strong or weak.  When I think about myself in relation to my love, I am a rock.  I do not fail.  I am everything she asks, everything she needs.  In relation to my love I am amazing.  I cannot do it solely for myself... I feel like I am worth so little by myself that it just doesn't matter.  I can do anything and everything for her.  This happens so easily and naturally. 

I am proud of who I am through my love... through my submission.  I can be anything... I can be everything... but only for her. 

Is this good or bad?  I do not know.

I do know that it feels good to have found others like me.  To know that I am not alone on this road.   To know that I am not the only one that is broken.

I never asked to be this way but I accept that it is what I am. I feel like I should stop being ashamed and just be. 

The harder thought is if someone could magically fix me, would I let them?  I don't know if I want to let these loving feelings go.  Would I still have them if I changed?  The thought of losing the source of my strength scares me more than I care to admit.  I cannot see the world any other way. 

If I could change anything, it would be to help people understand the ways that I need help when I do reach out.  Trying to fix me only makes me feel more broken and more fucked up about being broken.  I just need to know someone is there for me when I do reach out... and accepts me in all of my broken glory.  


  1. I felt the intensity and fearless honesty of what you wrote.

    Thank you. Such honesty is so rare.

    By your definition, I'm broken also. Have been all my life. But I don't see it that way even though you and much of the world does/would if they knew my heart.

    I have the academic credentials which entitle me to disdain so-called professions who honestly have no clue what they are talking about. And through such ignorance cause further harm.

    I am different in the ways you describe.

    Such differences make life interesting (in the Chinese-expression/curse-way of "may you live in interesting times") but I believe there are significant benefits to being the way I am. And for that reason, I do not see myself or you as broken.

    I think it is a fully valid path to look at things more broadly, despite what others think.

    Having said all of that, thank you again for such openness. It is so rare.

    1. Watson,
      As always your response is very well worded. I think the type of submissive male that you and fur are is beautiful. I also would not pick the word broken to describe the type. It is a shame that you dont have a blog yourself. I feel that you are deserving of some compliments as I have seen some very detailed comments from you and enjoy seeing your perspective. Have an awesome day!

    2. Thank you, Watson. A lot of our dialogues have helped me organize a lot of my thoughts on things. It means a lot to me.

      I agree with Miss Lily that you would probably blog well.

      This is all a large process of figuring things out. It is especially difficult to determine what is a fear or a weakness vs motivation and a strength. I'm slowly putting together the pieces.

    3. Thank you Miss Lily and fur for your kind words. They are much appreciated.

  2. This strikes a chord!

    Are you broken *because* you are a submissive? I don't mean that submissives are broken, but rather that growing up as a submissive can be alienating.

    1. Thank you, Giles. How I was raised is what caused the emptiness inside me and the overwhelming need to earn approval and love. I do not think this made me submissive but it definitely shaped the form and intensity of my submission.

      I would say it is probably more common for people who grew up abused to end up as abusive people as adults. I turned my pain ineard instead if outward.

  3. Fur,
    As Watson said so well earlier, I would not call it broken. I think you are both very strong. It takes a lot of mental strength to devote yourselves so deeply. The world may not understand how your submission makes you strong but then again doesnt the world misjudge a lot of things?

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      A great stumbling point is when you see the compare how the world views what they want vs what they actually need. I know that many of my difficulties in self-perception are rooted in this. I know that I can be what someone needs but I rarely seem to be what they want.

      Im working on it :)

  4. I think that the key point that you make here is the following:

    "I never asked to be this way but I accept that it is what I am. I feel like I should stop being ashamed and just be."

    There, you said it. Now you must believe it and live it. I know you do, fur, in your heart. Your desire to be a perfect submissive is so strong that it only requires a dominant woman who can accept the level of your love. I don't consider that broken at all, and I despise women who regard that as a weakness. So let us now, once and for all, get rid of that word "broken" and replace it with "unrequited" or "unappreciated", or something along those lines. And please, don't keep saying that you have no worth. That's simply bullshit, and I don't believe that you really believe it either. As you said, STOP BEING ASHAMED AND JUST BE. So get on with it!

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I always appreciate the patience you have for my internal shenanigans. It is recently with the suppirt of others that I am starting to be able to change my inner dialogue. It is happening slowly but I can feel it changing.

  5. I plan to respond to everyone's comments individually (although it may take me a little while to do so). In the mean time I wanted to make a blanket statement overall.

    I feel pretty good right now as I did when composing this post. If it seemed at all like it was coming from a negative space, I did not intend for it to be that way. If it was coming from a negative space I wouldn't have been able to see the positives or even considered accepting this about myself :)

    This was mostly an exercise of healing, self-evaluation, and understanding.

  6. Well, I'm not so sure I should put in my thoughts after these other great comments but...

    To me "broken" isn't bad, when applied to humans, as long as we learn from it. Being broken has allowed me to break free, to see the world in different colors, to feel the pain of happiness, and the weight of despair. Many great things have been born out of from ashes and all of that. However, I don't (always) think of myself as broken anymore, it's more like I've been broken and put back together, the new and improved version, Misty 2.0 (or maybe I'm at 35.0 by now). The scars are a part of me and a sign that I survived.

    I think it feels like I am broken from time to time because I remember what it was like very clearly. I can put myself in the shoes of Misty Past. You are no more that little boy than I am that little girl...look around you and you will see.

    If everyone loved and lived for others as you do, fur, the world would be a better place.

    1. Thank you, Misty. Our dialogues inspired me to write this. As I am searching for a name and description for my submissive type I realized many of the descriptors carried some negative connotations. I wrote this post while thinking about the positives and wondering where perceptions disconnect.

      I think that being feels 2.0 very different than if someone doesn't go through the process.

      I actually consider this 1.0 because it feels like I didn't truly exist before it.

    2. Uber phone keyboard fail. "Being 2.0 feels different"

    3. I've been thinking about what you said, about not truly existing before, and it does seem that way. I definitely wasn't living before, I was too busy surviving. I think that's why I am so...intense now.

    4. Thank you for sharing, Misty. That is a good description of it. When in survival mode we do what we MUST do to get by... It leaves little room for choice and figuring out what really resonates in our hearts.