This is not a depression post. I'm feeling just fine. I'm merely throwing some thoughts and observations out there. Over the past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking about what type of submissive I am. I have met two others that are like me. Our type has no name. You will not find us in any descriptions. I have been trying to find where everything fits together... the edges... the pieces to the puzzle... I want to put them together.
I am broken. I'm not even ashamed to say it. I am a broken person. I am actually proud that I can function on the level that I do without dependence on medications, drugs of abuse, or alcohol to get by. I have achieved excellence. I am great at what I do. Even when I am at my worst I have no trouble holding a job or maintaining ties to my friends. I reach out when I am in trouble. When I'm in the pit of despair I calculate. Am I strong enough to climb back out or do I need to find a way to pass time in a non-harmful way while I regain my strength?
I have seen people throw their lives away. I do not do this. While I may not have a tremendous amount of ambition, I know that my life has meaning. When I do something, I give it my all. When I love, I love with all of myself. I do not shy away from intimacy or the vulnerability of the heart. While I often feel weak, those are my strengths. I keep it together through the darkest of nights. I stay true to my loyalty and self-respect. I will never be hopeless, even if I feel hopeless. I can persevere.
I am broken. I will never truly believe that I have worth, that I am important, or that I inherently deserve to be happy. Those ideas were stripped away from me when I was far too young. I have no faith except that love is the greatest feeling in the world. I do not feel I deserve it. I believe deep down in my heart that I can earn it by giving all of myself. If I ever stop, it feels like it will all slip away.
The only thing I have ever needed was for someone to allow this. Someone to allow me to love them with my all. Someone to appreciate the depth and intensity of my heart. Someone to love more than I love myself.
I truly believe that what others might view as my greatest weakness is actually my source of strength. I have complete confidence that I can make the one I love smile with all of her heart, even if I cannot make myself smile. It is through the warmth on her face, the love in her eyes that I smile... that I feel complete... that it doesn't matter if I am broken.
Does it make me so bad to want to dedicate myself to making the one I love happy? Does it make me weak to care little for myself? I don't really know as logic and the feelings within my heart don't always work together. What I do know is that I have seen the face of those that live only for themselves. I have seen the face of the betrayers, the liars, the cheaters, the thieves, and the bullies. I do not see strength.
The doctors tell me I am broken. That my emptiness is a flaw. If I had to choose between myself or the one I love, is it really so bad to choose them instead?
The only confusion I have is if I should see myself as strong or weak. When I think about myself in relation to my love, I am a rock. I do not fail. I am everything she asks, everything she needs. In relation to my love I am amazing. I cannot do it solely for myself... I feel like I am worth so little by myself that it just doesn't matter. I can do anything and everything for her. This happens so easily and naturally.
I am proud of who I am through my love... through my submission. I can be anything... I can be everything... but only for her.
Is this good or bad? I do not know.
I do know that it feels good to have found others like me. To know that I am not alone on this road. To know that I am not the only one that is broken.
I never asked to be this way but I accept that it is what I am. I feel like I should stop being ashamed and just be.
The harder thought is if someone could magically fix me, would I let them? I don't know if I want to let these loving feelings go. Would I still have them if I changed? The thought of losing the source of my strength scares me more than I care to admit. I cannot see the world any other way.
If I could change anything, it would be to help people understand the ways that I need help when I do reach out. Trying to fix me only makes me feel more broken and more fucked up about being broken. I just need to know someone is there for me when I do reach out... and accepts me in all of my broken glory.