Saturday, March 18, 2017

I hate to show my struggles but sometimes they overwhelm

I would normally avoid posting when I'm in a mood like this as it is hard for me to put my present insecurity on display for the world to see.  I'm not one to cry out for help unless I've exhausted every potential avenue at my disposal.  From my experiences, giving off the impression of desperate or pathetic tends to act as repellent: it's not fun and people fear being dragged down by the drowning man.  Over the years I have trained myself to get by on very little.  I don't need reassurance... I just need someone there.  Their presence gives me proof that I am okay but their absence leaves me spiraling. 

The way I go about this is to show the opposite of what I'm feeling.  Be funny, charismatic, magnetic, energetic, excited, thoughtful, caring, attentive, and personable.  Show them what I can add to their life rather than drain from it.  Be amazing: the best version of me.

For most of my life this has worked out fairly well.  I attract others.  It is exhausting, but their presence soothes the pain on its own.  Connections are fulfilling.  I am okay.  Once things stabilize I am able to relax this part of myself. 

When it fails I collapse.  It completely drains me to remain in this state.  I turn the pain inward.  I wasn't enough. Blame myself, make an inward promise to try even harder next time.  Bask in the emptiness of rejection.

Two weeks ago T kicked the ground out from under me in a bad way.  It left me feeling despised... unloved... and isolated.  The place it left me in my head was utterly terrifying.  I shut down for a day and a half just to weather it out.  In its aftermath was when I began reaching out.

I do not approach people with weakness in hand.  I don't show up with the intent to take from them.  I approach and hope to contribute... to add to them... to impact their life in a positive way.  With blogs I scour and read and try to leave thoughtful comments and support.  I dig through forums and discussions, hoping to contribute and tapping into my experiences to help people and try to illuminate the path.  In chats I try to seek out those who easily get swept away.  The people who, like me, just want to be noticed and matter to someone.  I treat people like I want to be treated.  I give them the contact that I hope so dearly that others would give to me. 

When this fails I just want to scream.  I want to cry and smash things.  It makes my heart twist and ache.  I feel weak, pathetic, invisible, and rejected and I question what is wrong with me.  I can't understand what is wrong with me because this same course has granted success many times before.  Have I changed and I just can't tell how much?  Or has the world changed so much that I don't understand it anymore? 

Seeing as how the new people I reach out to do not even give me a response... I have no idea.  I just know that it hurts and I would not to subject others to this same set of feelings.

So, for the entire world to see as I sit here in a state of misery: I need a hug.

10 comments:

  1. Fur, man, sometimes people are just busy or have different things on their mind. Them not replying does not mean you are worthless. You are a wonderful human being. I cherish our online relationship a lot. I am actually thinking of you often. I only rarely tell you, because there is so much other stuff going on in my life too :-)

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    1. Thank you very much, Tina. It is always nice to hear from you and I enjoy our interactions a lot.

      I completely understand when people are busy and I try not to take it personally. However, if their blog post gets 4 comments and they respond to the other 3 directly and leave mine untouched it is hard for me to not feel a little hurt by that. The same goes for fetlife activity streams.

      I could just stop trying to reach out to new people but I hate feeling like I am asking too much of the people I already know. With this coming off of an event that left my heart already damaged it just seems to sting a lot worse than usual.

      Thank you. Take care.

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    2. Hi Fur, I'm not giving you a virtual hug as you would rather like it from Tina or Lady Grey but as your fellow man and an avid reader of your blog I'm shaking your hand and taking my hat off to you for your sincere, well-thought-out and superbly written writings. You are the best man author on the blogsphere regarding F/m dynamics. Take care, brother.

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    3. Thank you very much, Anon. Hand shake, fist bump, bro hug, all are fine with me.

      Thank you for your kind words. I don't hear from many submissive men and it makes me feel good to know that you enjoy what I write.

      Take care.

      Delete
  2. I agree with Tina that people have their own things they are dealing with and that it isn't a reflection on you, your worth or value, but even as I say that, I know that doesn't matter: you feel what you feel, and you can't logic your way out of it.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    *hugs*

    Ferns

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    1. Thank you, Ferns.

      I trust in the words of everyone that I hear from. I know that if they are busy or are going through a rough patch that they will be back when I write something that gains their interest. If only logic was enough. It is always nice to hear from people. It means a lot to me.

      I just started to feel really lonely... floundering around blindly in the dark.

      *hugs.

      Take care.

      Delete
  3. Hug

    You're awesome. People are crazy and that's all there is to it. :P

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    1. Thank you, Misty.

      Crazy can be good sometimes, just not this kind of crazy.

      Take care.

      Delete
  4. You know how I feel about people not responding to comments, so I won't get into that. I can easily sympathize with what you're feeling when your "reach outs" are ignored. If I comment on someone's blog and there is no acknowledgement of any sort, I'll give it one more try and only one more try. After two tries, it's not worth my time or effort to keep a one sided conversation going. Don't take it personally; just accept that this is a person that you really don't need to deal with anymore. Their loss, not yours. In the meantime, brace yourself and consider this a virtual hug - a really rib squeezing, breath taking hug of a hug. Ahhh! My pleasure, fur.

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    1. Thank you so much, Lady Grey.

      It would probably be smarter of me to do the reaching out when I have stronger emotional footing and more equipped to deal with negative outcomes. When my head starts to spiral I stop trusting my perceptions.

      One of the things that helped a lot was hearing from being able to dialogue with a couple of people that I didn't know and having them tell me that the internet is just different now and it's way more common for people to just ignore others if they don't agree with what is being said. That was able to give some clarity on the "is it me, or them?" question that was nagging me.

      Take care.

      Delete