Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Drawing: Nipple boy
I think this may be the last drawing I do using illustrator. I feel like I've reached a point that I'll never pass if I don't try a program that will be easier to do shading and lighting effects.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Sad Day
Mistress and I just received word today from a local D/s couple we know that the submissive husband passed away earlier this week. This is a couple we actually met through the blog community here and I was deeply saddened to hear this news. Our thoughts go out to the Domme.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
An Essay on Submission
I think that the root of submission goes beyond a sexual need or a preference. The shared kink/sexual desires between a couple are what makes D/s consensual, but by itself, the kink can lend itself simply to the realm of being a top or a bottom. Something else is required to reach a “submissive mindset.” That is, something special is required for someone to be prepared for lifestyle submission.
First and foremost, I believe the greatest quality that caters to a submissive nature is the ability to love someone more than we love ourselves. Sometimes we have to take a minute to think about the magnitude of what this means. To love someone more than we love our selves… Can we picture a life “worth living” without her? Can we imagine being happy without her? When we embrace her with the entirety of our hearts… the thought of losing her… having that “piece” of our hearts ripped out and away… is unbearable. If you have felt this loss, it is as if the best parts of you have left and only a shell of a person remains.
It is scary to love her this much. Life is not permanent. Nothing is permanent. The future cannot be predicted. While this knowledge is scary, it’s also exactly why it is worth loving her that much. Because life is not permanent and the future cannot be predicted, throwing our selves “all in” seems like the best way to get the most out of our life and our love. This means appreciating the moment, appreciating the little things, and loving her like today is our last day together on Earth, and living a life without regret that we didn’t do “enough” to make the most out of our time with her.
This requires tremendous courage. If you have embraced this mindset you are not timid and weak, but incredibly brave and strong. This is an area where few dare to tread. If you can feel this way then your heart is capable of submitting with the entirety of your being.
Lifestyle submission requires something else that many may see as another “leap of faith.” To submit as a lifestyle requires us to trust her more than we trust ourselves. This is a tall order, but if you grew up with a decent parent(s), it’s something you have probably done at some time in your life. If you learned to share, eat your vegetables, keep yourself clean and groomed, keep your living areas (passably) tidy, and be a responsible with your job, bills, and living situation, there’s a very good chance you trusted a parent (or parental figure) as they knew what was best for you. You may not have liked doing what you had to do when you did it, but you now know how to live because of it. They saved you from being a child forever.
In lifestyle D/s we trust her to make many decisions that are in our best interests, even if it is unpleasant at the time. She makes rules regarding our behavior and conduct and we trust that they are in our best interest. Just as strangers offering candy appeal to the base natures of a child, the temptation to masturbate when horny and unsupervised appeals to our base natures as an adult. Those base natures may lead us to violate her trust and make an act meaningless that could have been something shared and special. Often we fall victim to what we want in our primal, animalistic state that is not what we really want as a rational being. We must trust that she has the best interests of the relationship in mind and that she can protect us from ourselves.
Above all, the most important reason to empower her with that much trust is that it keeps her happy and present in our world so that we may share our love with her. Following this path may not be the most pleasant road. There will be hardships, struggles, and pain as she corrects our wrongs and molds us into her ideal companion. We must embrace this about her. This is a very generous undertaking that places a lot of responsibility upon her. We must love her for this. We must trust that she will make our lives more rewarding, exciting, and meaningful than if we were left to our own devices.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to make these choices but this is what submission means to me.
First and foremost, I believe the greatest quality that caters to a submissive nature is the ability to love someone more than we love ourselves. Sometimes we have to take a minute to think about the magnitude of what this means. To love someone more than we love our selves… Can we picture a life “worth living” without her? Can we imagine being happy without her? When we embrace her with the entirety of our hearts… the thought of losing her… having that “piece” of our hearts ripped out and away… is unbearable. If you have felt this loss, it is as if the best parts of you have left and only a shell of a person remains.
It is scary to love her this much. Life is not permanent. Nothing is permanent. The future cannot be predicted. While this knowledge is scary, it’s also exactly why it is worth loving her that much. Because life is not permanent and the future cannot be predicted, throwing our selves “all in” seems like the best way to get the most out of our life and our love. This means appreciating the moment, appreciating the little things, and loving her like today is our last day together on Earth, and living a life without regret that we didn’t do “enough” to make the most out of our time with her.
This requires tremendous courage. If you have embraced this mindset you are not timid and weak, but incredibly brave and strong. This is an area where few dare to tread. If you can feel this way then your heart is capable of submitting with the entirety of your being.
Lifestyle submission requires something else that many may see as another “leap of faith.” To submit as a lifestyle requires us to trust her more than we trust ourselves. This is a tall order, but if you grew up with a decent parent(s), it’s something you have probably done at some time in your life. If you learned to share, eat your vegetables, keep yourself clean and groomed, keep your living areas (passably) tidy, and be a responsible with your job, bills, and living situation, there’s a very good chance you trusted a parent (or parental figure) as they knew what was best for you. You may not have liked doing what you had to do when you did it, but you now know how to live because of it. They saved you from being a child forever.
In lifestyle D/s we trust her to make many decisions that are in our best interests, even if it is unpleasant at the time. She makes rules regarding our behavior and conduct and we trust that they are in our best interest. Just as strangers offering candy appeal to the base natures of a child, the temptation to masturbate when horny and unsupervised appeals to our base natures as an adult. Those base natures may lead us to violate her trust and make an act meaningless that could have been something shared and special. Often we fall victim to what we want in our primal, animalistic state that is not what we really want as a rational being. We must trust that she has the best interests of the relationship in mind and that she can protect us from ourselves.
Above all, the most important reason to empower her with that much trust is that it keeps her happy and present in our world so that we may share our love with her. Following this path may not be the most pleasant road. There will be hardships, struggles, and pain as she corrects our wrongs and molds us into her ideal companion. We must embrace this about her. This is a very generous undertaking that places a lot of responsibility upon her. We must love her for this. We must trust that she will make our lives more rewarding, exciting, and meaningful than if we were left to our own devices.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to make these choices but this is what submission means to me.
Friday, March 23, 2012
The shit hit the fan today
It looks like things may have finally met their end and I will likely be single again in the very near future.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Checking In
I'm still alive... but still feeling pretty shitty. It seems like every time I get close to turning things around some things flare up on the home front that knock me back down.
The weather just made a pleasant turn... hoping to be feeling like my normal self again soon.
The weather just made a pleasant turn... hoping to be feeling like my normal self again soon.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
BDSM Theory - What Makes a Domme Tick?
This is my first post in a while.
I have explored hundreds of different aspects of submission. When I get to know a Domme I can usually anticipate some of her views and reactions to different subjects, but that’s only on a basic level. Being that I’m not dominant and I’m male, trying to understand a Domme requires a lot of extrapolation but I want to give it a try on a level beyond just the “advantages” of having a sub. This is sort of a response to my "Submissive Loop" blog entry from a while back.
My apologies if I go round about in this analysis… this is undiscovered territory for me and I’m not sure just how I’ll get to a conclusion or if I can.
I think the first thing to note is the difference in arousal between women and men. I’ve often heard it phrased that men are like a light switch: you can turn him on or off. Women are more like boiling a pot of water: they have to heat up before they reach a boil. I pretty much take this as a given.
Arousal in women tends to be more emotionally and environmentally driven than it is in men. I’ve thought a lot about the difference in subspace for male subs and femsubs and read a lot on the subject. The consensus is generally that men reach arousal and subspace simultaneously if a subspace trigger is applied. Women differ in that they need to first enter subspace and then they get aroused. Basically, an environment ripe with triggers is necessary to get them turned on. I have a feeling there is a similar process involving Domspace in that she probably has to feel dominant before she can get really turned on by it.
The closest I can relate to Domspace comes from my athletics background. I was pretty good at several sports and I know the huge rush that occurs when you drill a quarterback so hard he blows snot into his facemask or when you’re up to bat and the pitcher may as well put the ball on a tee for you. It’s a feeling of supreme control… and power… your thoughts are along the lines of “I own you, you’re my bitch.” I have a feeling that Domspace probably has a similar type of rush to it (but I could be wrong).
This leads me to believe that Domspace and its sexual connection probably happen in a similar manner for Dommes. A Domme has her Domspace triggers that bring about feelings of (or the desire for) power and control. As these triggers are applied and the environment continues to promote her Domspace, her dominant feelings will build until there is a link between her feelings of dominance and her arousal.
I believe many of these Domspace triggers can be found in ritual: a sub prostrating himself at her feet to greet her, placing a collar around the sub’s neck, inspecting his body to see he is properly groomed or dressed, teasing him and watching his cock rise, and so on. I can see many of these as providing “fuel for the fire” so to speak. These provide symbolism of power and control. They may also serve double purpose by initiating or continuing a sub’s descent into subspace.
When that link has been established, I believe her turn ons get a bit more personal. To put it bluntly, she has certain things that get her (more) wet. These are the things that she focuses on while masturbating or receiving sexual pleasure and are probably quite unique from woman to woman. These are her ideal fantasies.
Here I come to my first great hurdle. Are Domspace triggers separate from turn ons or are they one and the same? Do they start separately but then become almost the same thing once she reaches her “boiling point?”
My best guess is that before she is very aroused, Domspace triggers serve more as a “mood builder” than a turn on, but after reaching a high state of arousal, they act as more of a turn on while still increasing the heights of Domspace.
To make this more clear, I will list a couple of examples and separate them into their components.
To a Domme that enjoys chastity:
-A whimpering and denied boy desperate for release acts as a Domspace trigger in regards to her being the one in control of his release, while the begging and desperation acts as a turn on.
-Closing the lock on a device acts as a Domspace trigger in regards in terms of the power aspect and a turn on at the boy’s reaction and suffering.
-Teasing a locked sub probably acts as more of a turn on than trigger.
To a Domme that enjoys spanking:
-Having a sub tied up helpless in front of her acts as a Domspace trigger knowing that he is suffering for her and a turn on knowing that he is helpless.
-A sub’s cries of pain act as more of a turn on. Making him thank her for each hit acts as more of a Domspace trigger.
-Feeling like she is “correcting” his behavior is a Domspace trigger. Hitting him is the turn on.
When I think about this and try to empathize with these scenarios, I would have to continue along my earlier train of thought: before she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers are most important. Once she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers and turn ons feel almost the same.
There is another wildcard that should definitely be mentioned but I can’t relate to at all, but women don’t “crash” after a single orgasm. I am extremely curious as to the effects of an orgasm on this, e.g. does it heighten the intensity of both Domspace and arousal? Is there a point where so many orgasms have taken place that it eventually causes a crash? I do know for certain that women do reach a point of exhaustion, does that signify the crash point?
That is a fascinating topic in its own right.
Here is a simple summary that I have come to as a hypothesis:
-A Domme experiences Domspace triggers and gradually increases her feelings of dominance. Erotic rituals contribute heavily to this process.
-When her dominant feelings build to a sufficient degree within a positive environment, her Domspace will form a link between her dominant feelings and arousal.
-The dominant feelings continue to build until her arousal reaches a “boiling point.”
-When that point has been reached, Domspace triggers will contribute mainly to her arousal and turn ons will have a significant effect on her arousal.
-Pre-exhaustion orgasms will continue to heighten Domspace and increase arousal.
I wonder if this is correct at all in the slightest. Any feedback is welcome. I’m sorry this was such a mess, this really was new ground for me to try and tread in.
I have explored hundreds of different aspects of submission. When I get to know a Domme I can usually anticipate some of her views and reactions to different subjects, but that’s only on a basic level. Being that I’m not dominant and I’m male, trying to understand a Domme requires a lot of extrapolation but I want to give it a try on a level beyond just the “advantages” of having a sub. This is sort of a response to my "Submissive Loop" blog entry from a while back.
My apologies if I go round about in this analysis… this is undiscovered territory for me and I’m not sure just how I’ll get to a conclusion or if I can.
I think the first thing to note is the difference in arousal between women and men. I’ve often heard it phrased that men are like a light switch: you can turn him on or off. Women are more like boiling a pot of water: they have to heat up before they reach a boil. I pretty much take this as a given.
Arousal in women tends to be more emotionally and environmentally driven than it is in men. I’ve thought a lot about the difference in subspace for male subs and femsubs and read a lot on the subject. The consensus is generally that men reach arousal and subspace simultaneously if a subspace trigger is applied. Women differ in that they need to first enter subspace and then they get aroused. Basically, an environment ripe with triggers is necessary to get them turned on. I have a feeling there is a similar process involving Domspace in that she probably has to feel dominant before she can get really turned on by it.
The closest I can relate to Domspace comes from my athletics background. I was pretty good at several sports and I know the huge rush that occurs when you drill a quarterback so hard he blows snot into his facemask or when you’re up to bat and the pitcher may as well put the ball on a tee for you. It’s a feeling of supreme control… and power… your thoughts are along the lines of “I own you, you’re my bitch.” I have a feeling that Domspace probably has a similar type of rush to it (but I could be wrong).
This leads me to believe that Domspace and its sexual connection probably happen in a similar manner for Dommes. A Domme has her Domspace triggers that bring about feelings of (or the desire for) power and control. As these triggers are applied and the environment continues to promote her Domspace, her dominant feelings will build until there is a link between her feelings of dominance and her arousal.
I believe many of these Domspace triggers can be found in ritual: a sub prostrating himself at her feet to greet her, placing a collar around the sub’s neck, inspecting his body to see he is properly groomed or dressed, teasing him and watching his cock rise, and so on. I can see many of these as providing “fuel for the fire” so to speak. These provide symbolism of power and control. They may also serve double purpose by initiating or continuing a sub’s descent into subspace.
When that link has been established, I believe her turn ons get a bit more personal. To put it bluntly, she has certain things that get her (more) wet. These are the things that she focuses on while masturbating or receiving sexual pleasure and are probably quite unique from woman to woman. These are her ideal fantasies.
Here I come to my first great hurdle. Are Domspace triggers separate from turn ons or are they one and the same? Do they start separately but then become almost the same thing once she reaches her “boiling point?”
My best guess is that before she is very aroused, Domspace triggers serve more as a “mood builder” than a turn on, but after reaching a high state of arousal, they act as more of a turn on while still increasing the heights of Domspace.
To make this more clear, I will list a couple of examples and separate them into their components.
To a Domme that enjoys chastity:
-A whimpering and denied boy desperate for release acts as a Domspace trigger in regards to her being the one in control of his release, while the begging and desperation acts as a turn on.
-Closing the lock on a device acts as a Domspace trigger in regards in terms of the power aspect and a turn on at the boy’s reaction and suffering.
-Teasing a locked sub probably acts as more of a turn on than trigger.
To a Domme that enjoys spanking:
-Having a sub tied up helpless in front of her acts as a Domspace trigger knowing that he is suffering for her and a turn on knowing that he is helpless.
-A sub’s cries of pain act as more of a turn on. Making him thank her for each hit acts as more of a Domspace trigger.
-Feeling like she is “correcting” his behavior is a Domspace trigger. Hitting him is the turn on.
When I think about this and try to empathize with these scenarios, I would have to continue along my earlier train of thought: before she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers are most important. Once she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers and turn ons feel almost the same.
There is another wildcard that should definitely be mentioned but I can’t relate to at all, but women don’t “crash” after a single orgasm. I am extremely curious as to the effects of an orgasm on this, e.g. does it heighten the intensity of both Domspace and arousal? Is there a point where so many orgasms have taken place that it eventually causes a crash? I do know for certain that women do reach a point of exhaustion, does that signify the crash point?
That is a fascinating topic in its own right.
Here is a simple summary that I have come to as a hypothesis:
-A Domme experiences Domspace triggers and gradually increases her feelings of dominance. Erotic rituals contribute heavily to this process.
-When her dominant feelings build to a sufficient degree within a positive environment, her Domspace will form a link between her dominant feelings and arousal.
-The dominant feelings continue to build until her arousal reaches a “boiling point.”
-When that point has been reached, Domspace triggers will contribute mainly to her arousal and turn ons will have a significant effect on her arousal.
-Pre-exhaustion orgasms will continue to heighten Domspace and increase arousal.
I wonder if this is correct at all in the slightest. Any feedback is welcome. I’m sorry this was such a mess, this really was new ground for me to try and tread in.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Who would be intrested in [blank]?
One of the most difficult things for veteran submissives is having to re-enter the "dating scene." We are no longer a fresh ball of clay waiting to be shaped. We have been shaped and reshaped, and a few parts of us have become so defined that they're almost stuck like that for good.
There are advantages and disadvantages of being this way and honestly, being a veteran rather than a newbie really only affects things in the short run. However, the short run has to happen before there can be a long run so it's also a large stumbling block. I have met Dommes that have a preference for both types. Some don't want to waste lots of time training a lamb and in many cases it's the lambs that are the first to bolt when they get scared. Others love the thought of breaking-in a virgin ass and making the first big splash in their kink life.
I think it is safe to assume that no one wants to be constantly shuffling through submissives while searching for a "good one." Even the Dommes that prefer lambs generally just want a clean slate where they aren't being compared to other women and the training process is an emotionally bonding experience that builds love and trust.
Some of the primary advantages to having experience:
-Veteran subs may have more realistic expectations. You aren't (completely) off in fantasy-land. Your expectations of a Domme and responsibilities as a sub will be within reasonable bounds.
-Veteran subs may have fewer limits. Novices that aren't aware of the depths of subspace they may reach (or what it takes to reach them). Experienced subs probably have a greater breadth of experience to draw from and in turn, are often willing to endure more things.
-Veteran subs are experienced at fulfilling our roles.
Disadvantages:
-Veteran subs will have more strongly ingrained fetish needs and probably be more strict about any hard limits they may have. Think: "He's perfect, except he's really into [blank]." or "He's perfect, except he refuses to do [blank]."
-Veteran subs have a greater risk of having their previous submission experiences rubbing off on how they try to submit in the future. If they were trained in a strict environment they will likely be hesitant to act without direction. If they were allowed to roam "free," they may bring many bad habits to the table.
-Veteran subs are at a higher risk of bringing emotional baggage. Everyone has their demons... but D/s break-ups are rarely mutual. This is a safe assumption to make.
Do these even matter? Should they even matter? I never really know. I'd like to think that every sub is given a clean slate chance to prove themselves worthy through individual merits. I'd also love to believe that dating never happens based upon looks alone, that Santa Claus is real, and that people are always given opportunities based upon their abilities.
Sadly, veteran subs do eventually develop a submissive identity that is given a shallow label (or two) that most closely defines them. e.g. service slave, domestic servant, sissy maid, cuckold, pain slut, cum slut, and the like. Even more sad is that there is enough of a negative demographic to often provide stigmas attached to each label (read as: subs that send a picture of their cock in their first contact email to a Domme along with a message along the lines of "u r hot. dominat me.").
I guess I'm trying to figure out if being a veteran is more of an advantage than a hindrance. I guess it varies case by case... just as everything else does.
There are advantages and disadvantages of being this way and honestly, being a veteran rather than a newbie really only affects things in the short run. However, the short run has to happen before there can be a long run so it's also a large stumbling block. I have met Dommes that have a preference for both types. Some don't want to waste lots of time training a lamb and in many cases it's the lambs that are the first to bolt when they get scared. Others love the thought of breaking-in a virgin ass and making the first big splash in their kink life.
I think it is safe to assume that no one wants to be constantly shuffling through submissives while searching for a "good one." Even the Dommes that prefer lambs generally just want a clean slate where they aren't being compared to other women and the training process is an emotionally bonding experience that builds love and trust.
Some of the primary advantages to having experience:
-Veteran subs may have more realistic expectations. You aren't (completely) off in fantasy-land. Your expectations of a Domme and responsibilities as a sub will be within reasonable bounds.
-Veteran subs may have fewer limits. Novices that aren't aware of the depths of subspace they may reach (or what it takes to reach them). Experienced subs probably have a greater breadth of experience to draw from and in turn, are often willing to endure more things.
-Veteran subs are experienced at fulfilling our roles.
Disadvantages:
-Veteran subs will have more strongly ingrained fetish needs and probably be more strict about any hard limits they may have. Think: "He's perfect, except he's really into [blank]." or "He's perfect, except he refuses to do [blank]."
-Veteran subs have a greater risk of having their previous submission experiences rubbing off on how they try to submit in the future. If they were trained in a strict environment they will likely be hesitant to act without direction. If they were allowed to roam "free," they may bring many bad habits to the table.
-Veteran subs are at a higher risk of bringing emotional baggage. Everyone has their demons... but D/s break-ups are rarely mutual. This is a safe assumption to make.
Do these even matter? Should they even matter? I never really know. I'd like to think that every sub is given a clean slate chance to prove themselves worthy through individual merits. I'd also love to believe that dating never happens based upon looks alone, that Santa Claus is real, and that people are always given opportunities based upon their abilities.
Sadly, veteran subs do eventually develop a submissive identity that is given a shallow label (or two) that most closely defines them. e.g. service slave, domestic servant, sissy maid, cuckold, pain slut, cum slut, and the like. Even more sad is that there is enough of a negative demographic to often provide stigmas attached to each label (read as: subs that send a picture of their cock in their first contact email to a Domme along with a message along the lines of "u r hot. dominat me.").
I guess I'm trying to figure out if being a veteran is more of an advantage than a hindrance. I guess it varies case by case... just as everything else does.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 3)
Saturday finally arrived. We had made plans to meet up with another Femdom D/s couple that I met through our blogs. We went early and went shopping at an upscale department store. Shopping was a bit disappointing, we both love fur and there were hardly any "good" items available for either of us. We left the store and met up with the couple for Dinner at a local BBQ restaurant.
We chatted and ate before heading to a bar to get a drink and talk some more. Luckily it was fairly early and we were able to find a private spot with no one nearby. They are a charming couple and we had a great time. I'm glad that we had that experience and I hope we can meet up again soon.
The evening ended smoothly and we watched a DVD before going to sleep on the earlier side of things. Today we didn't have anything planned but we got up and going fairly late today. We went shopping at a local bargain clothing store before dinner and bought our first "fun" things of the year together. She found a fur-trimmed hat, fur trimmed scarf, and fur scarf that went with some of her coats. We found the same hat but in off-white for me. This was literally the first time we bought "play" clothes this winter. She is now at work but the evening ended smoothly again.
I feel really fucked up over the turn of events that went on, but the both of us seem a lot better after going out with the other couple on Saturday.
I have realized that I am pretty much suffering from battered woman syndrome. I do think if it gets that bad again I will be able to break things off. The idea of that is still scary though... I'm not sure if it's better to be safe and alone or abused and together.
On another random note, my CB-6000S cage arrived late last week and I was able to give it a trial run. Getting a good fit on the CB-6000 has been a bit of a challenge. The 6000s alleviated some of these issues since my penis doesn't get "stuck" against cage wall when it attempts an erection like it did with the standard 6000 cage. I also found going with a smaller cock ring helps it fit better. Although it's much harder to get on, it gives the testicles more clearance so there's less chafing done by the back of the cage. It's still not long-term comfortable yet, but I'm going to keep working with it to see if I can get a decent fit. On a side note, the shorter length of this cage is a bit more humiliating.
We chatted and ate before heading to a bar to get a drink and talk some more. Luckily it was fairly early and we were able to find a private spot with no one nearby. They are a charming couple and we had a great time. I'm glad that we had that experience and I hope we can meet up again soon.
The evening ended smoothly and we watched a DVD before going to sleep on the earlier side of things. Today we didn't have anything planned but we got up and going fairly late today. We went shopping at a local bargain clothing store before dinner and bought our first "fun" things of the year together. She found a fur-trimmed hat, fur trimmed scarf, and fur scarf that went with some of her coats. We found the same hat but in off-white for me. This was literally the first time we bought "play" clothes this winter. She is now at work but the evening ended smoothly again.
I feel really fucked up over the turn of events that went on, but the both of us seem a lot better after going out with the other couple on Saturday.
I have realized that I am pretty much suffering from battered woman syndrome. I do think if it gets that bad again I will be able to break things off. The idea of that is still scary though... I'm not sure if it's better to be safe and alone or abused and together.
On another random note, my CB-6000S cage arrived late last week and I was able to give it a trial run. Getting a good fit on the CB-6000 has been a bit of a challenge. The 6000s alleviated some of these issues since my penis doesn't get "stuck" against cage wall when it attempts an erection like it did with the standard 6000 cage. I also found going with a smaller cock ring helps it fit better. Although it's much harder to get on, it gives the testicles more clearance so there's less chafing done by the back of the cage. It's still not long-term comfortable yet, but I'm going to keep working with it to see if I can get a decent fit. On a side note, the shorter length of this cage is a bit more humiliating.
Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 2)
The next day things were better, or so they seemed. We went out for dinner, ran some errands, and it was all quiet until she left for work.
On Friday her son had a friend over for the night. She was off work. We had plans to go out to dinner, try to reconnect, and then go visit a friend of ours. She received an invite to meet with a co-worker for a drink around dinner time for the co-worker's birthday. I told her that was fine and we could just eat dinner at the bar and then have the drink. I told her we should probably leave at 6 at the latest or it would be busy there. She got going a bit late. We left at 6:30 and arrived at the bar at around 6:45. The parking lot was 100% full. The street in front of and to the side of the bar were 100% full for 3-4 blocks.. We managed to park a block away barely squeezing in on the end.
Something I haven't mentioned before but I have mild agoraphobia that becomes a little bit more pronounced in crowded bars. I used to be okay with them but now they bring up some very negative emotions and I avoid them like the plague. I was willing to tough it out since it was a birthday. The place was packed. 40+ minute wait for a table. We were supposed to be at the friend's house by 8pm and we were both very hungry. She used me as the excuse and we left to go eat someplace less crowded for the time being. At dinner we talked a bit but it seemed very uneasy. Finally she said "how come you'll go out with friends that you like but won't go out for any of my friends?" I explained to her that I am willing to go out, but she knows how terrible I feel when I'm in crowded bars and that it had nothing to do with whose friends were there... and I explained it again and again in roughly five different ways, each time receiving the response that basically, I'm a piece of shit.
When we finished eating I got her a take out box for her leftovers and immediately went out to the car. She sat in the restaurant for another 15 minutes while I was in the car. Finally she came out and the abuse continued. We continued talking/arguing until we arrived back home and we sat in the car for another 20 minutes. I stayed much calmer this time, not letting my emotions flare up and simply stating "it hurts my feelings when you say that" when my feelings were hurt. Her attacks on me continued when I listed off a few reasons that I love her. I asked her, "what do you love about me?"
She couldn't answer, so with my feelings hurt I opened the car door and started to get out. She replied to that with an attack, calling me a pussy and telling me that I was running away and giving up on the relationship. I got back in the car and asked again, "what do you love about me?" Repeat silence and abuse cycle. Finally I told her I was getting out of the car and I went back to our home, went upstairs, and laid down on the bed.
When she got inside she hopped on facebook and stayed on there for 30-45 minutes. When she came upstairs she laid down next to me and started naming some (impersonal but) positive characteristics about me. She said that she took me for granted. I started to cry gently and explained how I've been feeling, why this was so hurtful, and the like. She held my hand. We were exhausted and we fell asleep early.
(continued in part 3)
On Friday her son had a friend over for the night. She was off work. We had plans to go out to dinner, try to reconnect, and then go visit a friend of ours. She received an invite to meet with a co-worker for a drink around dinner time for the co-worker's birthday. I told her that was fine and we could just eat dinner at the bar and then have the drink. I told her we should probably leave at 6 at the latest or it would be busy there. She got going a bit late. We left at 6:30 and arrived at the bar at around 6:45. The parking lot was 100% full. The street in front of and to the side of the bar were 100% full for 3-4 blocks.. We managed to park a block away barely squeezing in on the end.
Something I haven't mentioned before but I have mild agoraphobia that becomes a little bit more pronounced in crowded bars. I used to be okay with them but now they bring up some very negative emotions and I avoid them like the plague. I was willing to tough it out since it was a birthday. The place was packed. 40+ minute wait for a table. We were supposed to be at the friend's house by 8pm and we were both very hungry. She used me as the excuse and we left to go eat someplace less crowded for the time being. At dinner we talked a bit but it seemed very uneasy. Finally she said "how come you'll go out with friends that you like but won't go out for any of my friends?" I explained to her that I am willing to go out, but she knows how terrible I feel when I'm in crowded bars and that it had nothing to do with whose friends were there... and I explained it again and again in roughly five different ways, each time receiving the response that basically, I'm a piece of shit.
When we finished eating I got her a take out box for her leftovers and immediately went out to the car. She sat in the restaurant for another 15 minutes while I was in the car. Finally she came out and the abuse continued. We continued talking/arguing until we arrived back home and we sat in the car for another 20 minutes. I stayed much calmer this time, not letting my emotions flare up and simply stating "it hurts my feelings when you say that" when my feelings were hurt. Her attacks on me continued when I listed off a few reasons that I love her. I asked her, "what do you love about me?"
She couldn't answer, so with my feelings hurt I opened the car door and started to get out. She replied to that with an attack, calling me a pussy and telling me that I was running away and giving up on the relationship. I got back in the car and asked again, "what do you love about me?" Repeat silence and abuse cycle. Finally I told her I was getting out of the car and I went back to our home, went upstairs, and laid down on the bed.
When she got inside she hopped on facebook and stayed on there for 30-45 minutes. When she came upstairs she laid down next to me and started naming some (impersonal but) positive characteristics about me. She said that she took me for granted. I started to cry gently and explained how I've been feeling, why this was so hurtful, and the like. She held my hand. We were exhausted and we fell asleep early.
(continued in part 3)
Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 1)
I know I'm supposed to be on break, but I'm doing a better job of finding balance. I don't crave the internet when I'm not on it, I'm not seeking approval or human contact through cyberspace, and the like.
Last week had a few terrible things happen. Mistress sent me an email during the day while I was at work asking me how I was doing. I think she finally noticed that we had drifted quite a ways apart since Christmas and it looked like we were going to reconnect. I had a very stressful day at work that day and when I got home I wanted to unwind a bit first and we planned to watch a movie at 8:15pm in our bedroom (I got home around 7:10pm). We had some tentative plans in the works for the weekend and I had to make a call about that to nail things down.
She came upstairs at 7:55pm while I was finishing up a video game. I finished at 8:01pm and had fully decompressed and told her I was going to make the call about our weekend plans and take care of something quickly and it would be about 5 more minutes and we could start the movie. Roughly 3.5 minutes later, she came downstairs, I told her quietly that I would be done in a minute and we could start the movie. She then went and sat down in the living room, said to me "do whatever" and waved her palm at me. At this point I realized she had shut down on me emotionally, had no plans to watch the movie with me anymore, and the rest of the night was going to be bad at best. I stayed on the phone for another 30 minutes before going down and trying to talk to her only to have her continuously tell me that nothing was wrong. A fight ensued... a bad one.
If you aren't familiar with BPD, I will describe how the thought process went on this one. By still being on the phone when she came downstairs I had already made the decision that talking on the phone was more important than she was and she was already defensive in a state as if I had said to her "I would rather talk on the phone than be with you." Also, once she decided to react in that way, there was nothing that could be said or done to clarify that this wasn't the case and it was now unforgivable in her eyes.
When she started ripping me my first instinct was to get defensive. I got angry and was hurt. I was frustrated that it was beyond the point of no return and couldn't be talked about or clarified. I took a breather and returned to the room with full honesty and full vulnerability. I told her that I was sorry that she felt I was hurting her intentionally by being on the phone, that I missed her and loved her, that I was feeling so weak and down emotionally that I needed her to be close to me.
She scoffed at me and started tearing into me, bringing up every part of my personality that she dislikes. When I told her that what she was saying was making me feel worthless she went off on me harder, saying that it's my own fault for feeling that way and pathetic and then added "Don't cry you fucking baby or it'll piss me off."
I don't know why but I still tried to fix the situation. As things went on her son came downstairs and I told him to go back upstairs when she chewed me out that he just wanted to say goodnight to her before she left for work. He went up but stayed near the top of the stairs. She continued the barrage of verbal abuse until I finally shouted "why are you doing this? Do you even love me?" More abuse. I finally just lost it... grabbed my hair and started bawling. This set her off something fierce. She shouted at me saying I was trying to be emotionally manipulative. She shouted that I was a fucker for not getting help with my depression and that this was my fault. She then came at me and started punching me. I didn't defend myself, I just managed to sob out, "why are you doing this? Why are you hitting me?"
She stopped punching me, took a step back and started taunting me. "What are you gonna do? You gonna call the cops? Gonna press charges? I dare you. You gonna call your mommy? Fucking baby." At this point I was a total wreck. My thoughts were a mess.
I stood up but had calmed down. I was still crying but I started asking "where is the person I love? Where is the you that has feelings? Where is the woman that gets choked up to hallmark card commercials and teary eyed when she sees a dog toy when you remember your dog?" This managed to disarm the situation. She stared to cry and hugged me. We said we loved each other and she left for work. Later on she texted me an apology.
(continued in part 2)
Last week had a few terrible things happen. Mistress sent me an email during the day while I was at work asking me how I was doing. I think she finally noticed that we had drifted quite a ways apart since Christmas and it looked like we were going to reconnect. I had a very stressful day at work that day and when I got home I wanted to unwind a bit first and we planned to watch a movie at 8:15pm in our bedroom (I got home around 7:10pm). We had some tentative plans in the works for the weekend and I had to make a call about that to nail things down.
She came upstairs at 7:55pm while I was finishing up a video game. I finished at 8:01pm and had fully decompressed and told her I was going to make the call about our weekend plans and take care of something quickly and it would be about 5 more minutes and we could start the movie. Roughly 3.5 minutes later, she came downstairs, I told her quietly that I would be done in a minute and we could start the movie. She then went and sat down in the living room, said to me "do whatever" and waved her palm at me. At this point I realized she had shut down on me emotionally, had no plans to watch the movie with me anymore, and the rest of the night was going to be bad at best. I stayed on the phone for another 30 minutes before going down and trying to talk to her only to have her continuously tell me that nothing was wrong. A fight ensued... a bad one.
If you aren't familiar with BPD, I will describe how the thought process went on this one. By still being on the phone when she came downstairs I had already made the decision that talking on the phone was more important than she was and she was already defensive in a state as if I had said to her "I would rather talk on the phone than be with you." Also, once she decided to react in that way, there was nothing that could be said or done to clarify that this wasn't the case and it was now unforgivable in her eyes.
When she started ripping me my first instinct was to get defensive. I got angry and was hurt. I was frustrated that it was beyond the point of no return and couldn't be talked about or clarified. I took a breather and returned to the room with full honesty and full vulnerability. I told her that I was sorry that she felt I was hurting her intentionally by being on the phone, that I missed her and loved her, that I was feeling so weak and down emotionally that I needed her to be close to me.
She scoffed at me and started tearing into me, bringing up every part of my personality that she dislikes. When I told her that what she was saying was making me feel worthless she went off on me harder, saying that it's my own fault for feeling that way and pathetic and then added "Don't cry you fucking baby or it'll piss me off."
I don't know why but I still tried to fix the situation. As things went on her son came downstairs and I told him to go back upstairs when she chewed me out that he just wanted to say goodnight to her before she left for work. He went up but stayed near the top of the stairs. She continued the barrage of verbal abuse until I finally shouted "why are you doing this? Do you even love me?" More abuse. I finally just lost it... grabbed my hair and started bawling. This set her off something fierce. She shouted at me saying I was trying to be emotionally manipulative. She shouted that I was a fucker for not getting help with my depression and that this was my fault. She then came at me and started punching me. I didn't defend myself, I just managed to sob out, "why are you doing this? Why are you hitting me?"
She stopped punching me, took a step back and started taunting me. "What are you gonna do? You gonna call the cops? Gonna press charges? I dare you. You gonna call your mommy? Fucking baby." At this point I was a total wreck. My thoughts were a mess.
I stood up but had calmed down. I was still crying but I started asking "where is the person I love? Where is the you that has feelings? Where is the woman that gets choked up to hallmark card commercials and teary eyed when she sees a dog toy when you remember your dog?" This managed to disarm the situation. She stared to cry and hugged me. We said we loved each other and she left for work. Later on she texted me an apology.
(continued in part 2)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Speed of Progressive Escalation in Dommes vs. subs
I've written about the tendency for progressive escalation of intensity in the D/s lifestyle before but if you haven't read those posts, I use the term "progressive escalation" to describe:
The tendency for submissives to grow more submissive over time and Dommes to grow more dominant over time.
I believe the primary reason for this trend is that the activities we regularly partake in become routine and we wish to "push the envelope" in order to obtain the same intensity of feelings as before. Dommes want stronger Domspace. Subs want deeper subspace.
In many D/s relationships the man has harbored submissive feelings for a much longer time than the Domme has held dominant feelings. At the start, this often causes some stumbling blocks to form as a man may have 10 years worth of fantasy and submission under his belt while the woman is forced to start from square one. The result is the appearance that men grow in submissiveness faster than women grow in dominance.
I think much of this is rooted in a Domme coming to an understanding about dominance within herself and submission within her sub. She must wade through, process, and then shed preconceived notions of dominance. She doesn't need to be a leather-clad whip-wielding dominatrix overnight and if that's not her thing, she doesn't need to be one at all. She has to see/read about intense D/s interactions that probably took years to build to as if they are normal and open to beginners (chastity, cuckolding, etc.). She has to face up to the challenges of finding things that appeal to her and then nurture them. This is a gradual process and not an on/off switch.
With her sub she has to get over the initial shock of his fantasy intensity... the "OMFG he wants me to do that to him?" There's a learning curve for understanding his psyche and subspace. There's fear that she will hurt him and do things that he won't like and will make him reject her. There's the responsibility of being handed the keys without a road map, yet she is expected to take them to the land of bliss and glee. These all lend themselves to making her feeling insecure.
During this early period, you can expect lots of topping from the bottom. Lots of guidance on the sub's part. She is finding her legs. She is learning to walk before she can fly. There's a good chance that much of this has her feeling tentative and unsure of herself, so much that even if she would enjoy this she probably isn't enjoying it now, nor being turned on by it.
Through this period the sub's desires seem to progress faster than the Domme's. I will refer to this as the "learning period."
Fast-forward a bit and make a few assumptions...
Assumption 1: The sub has not thwarted the Domme's progression by resisting the activities and actions that he doesn't like.
Assumption 2: She hasn't succumbed to the protocol generally taught in the "consensual BDSM" realm.
Assumption 3: The relationship has gravitated towards more of a "meta-consensual" D/s lifestyle. She has taken the reigns, embraced this role, and the D/s dynamic has gone beyond the bedroom doors.
These are some rather large assumptions. The first one carries quite a bit of weight. If he stands firm early on and refuses or resists taking part in activities that she wants to try under the guise of limits or that pleasure should be "mutual," not only will he halt his own progression to deeper levels of subspace, but he may derail her progression into a completely empowered Domme.
The second assumption may or may not happen, it depends upon how the Domme has chosen to educate herself on the lifestyle. If the first and second assumptions hold true, the third often follows.
Under these three assumptions (especially the third one), the relationship has now entered the "growth period." This is really where a Domme comes into her own and finds her unique identity in domination. She no longer hesitates to try new things, worries less about whether or not the sub is enjoying it, and knows what drives both her Domspace and arousal. This is often where concepts begin to drive her experimentation as she evaluates her own ideal of the D/s dynamic. e.g. She should have FULL control over his orgasms and denial and it doesn't get any fuller than a chastity device. If she wants to tie or chain him up as part of a punishment, it should be in an uncomfortable and unpleasant manner, etc.
In the growth period, the sub starts to fall behind. The Domme will start introducing things that "shake him up," and take him beyond his comfort zone. The sub may resist at first but eventually will comply quickly through strict discipline. She will likely take any resistance as disobedience and possibly even as an insult. He will be put through the wringer.
What really signifies the growth period is that the Domme will become more confident, more demanding, and more intense while the sub is forcibly ripped from his comfort zone, pushed into deeper states of subspace, and may become agitated at the unexpected nature of what will come next. Basically, her dominance grows faster than his submission.
Eventually... his submission will catch up to her dominance. The male creature is pretty good at adapting to almost anything once his ego has been broken. He comes to trust her judgement and knows she loves him and won't subject him to any permanent damage. When this happens they enter the "plateau period" of the relationship.
During the plateau period things go very smoothly unless the sub slips up. Another assumption: the sub has fully acclimated to the new lifestyle dynamic and things go smoothly. While it might seem harmonious, there is a fatal flaw for the plateau period: boredom. Things get routine, stale, and predictable. This may be the shared feelings of both parties or it may be one-sided. If it is one-sided, chances are the sub is fine with the arrangement but the Domme has started itching for more.
Both cases tend to lead to a similar outcome: things get shaken up and the relationship is brought back to the growth period. The only difference between how this is instigated is whether it's simply the Domme's wish or if it's the decision of both parties. In cases where an extreme decision is made, such as converting the relationship to a poly arrangement with additional subs, cuckolding, etc. it is often (but not always) consented to by both parties. I would be willing to wager that the more cycles between growth and plateau periods the couple has experienced, the more likely the Domme is to make a unilateral decision and simply tell the sub how things are going to be from now on.
The speed at which any changes occur varies greatly from couple to couple but barring situations with a commitment to the "consensual mutual pleasure" line of thought, it seems D/s relationships almost always progress each party involved undergoes their process of progressive escalation.
The tendency for submissives to grow more submissive over time and Dommes to grow more dominant over time.
I believe the primary reason for this trend is that the activities we regularly partake in become routine and we wish to "push the envelope" in order to obtain the same intensity of feelings as before. Dommes want stronger Domspace. Subs want deeper subspace.
In many D/s relationships the man has harbored submissive feelings for a much longer time than the Domme has held dominant feelings. At the start, this often causes some stumbling blocks to form as a man may have 10 years worth of fantasy and submission under his belt while the woman is forced to start from square one. The result is the appearance that men grow in submissiveness faster than women grow in dominance.
I think much of this is rooted in a Domme coming to an understanding about dominance within herself and submission within her sub. She must wade through, process, and then shed preconceived notions of dominance. She doesn't need to be a leather-clad whip-wielding dominatrix overnight and if that's not her thing, she doesn't need to be one at all. She has to see/read about intense D/s interactions that probably took years to build to as if they are normal and open to beginners (chastity, cuckolding, etc.). She has to face up to the challenges of finding things that appeal to her and then nurture them. This is a gradual process and not an on/off switch.
With her sub she has to get over the initial shock of his fantasy intensity... the "OMFG he wants me to do that to him?" There's a learning curve for understanding his psyche and subspace. There's fear that she will hurt him and do things that he won't like and will make him reject her. There's the responsibility of being handed the keys without a road map, yet she is expected to take them to the land of bliss and glee. These all lend themselves to making her feeling insecure.
During this early period, you can expect lots of topping from the bottom. Lots of guidance on the sub's part. She is finding her legs. She is learning to walk before she can fly. There's a good chance that much of this has her feeling tentative and unsure of herself, so much that even if she would enjoy this she probably isn't enjoying it now, nor being turned on by it.
Through this period the sub's desires seem to progress faster than the Domme's. I will refer to this as the "learning period."
Fast-forward a bit and make a few assumptions...
Assumption 1: The sub has not thwarted the Domme's progression by resisting the activities and actions that he doesn't like.
Assumption 2: She hasn't succumbed to the protocol generally taught in the "consensual BDSM" realm.
Assumption 3: The relationship has gravitated towards more of a "meta-consensual" D/s lifestyle. She has taken the reigns, embraced this role, and the D/s dynamic has gone beyond the bedroom doors.
These are some rather large assumptions. The first one carries quite a bit of weight. If he stands firm early on and refuses or resists taking part in activities that she wants to try under the guise of limits or that pleasure should be "mutual," not only will he halt his own progression to deeper levels of subspace, but he may derail her progression into a completely empowered Domme.
The second assumption may or may not happen, it depends upon how the Domme has chosen to educate herself on the lifestyle. If the first and second assumptions hold true, the third often follows.
Under these three assumptions (especially the third one), the relationship has now entered the "growth period." This is really where a Domme comes into her own and finds her unique identity in domination. She no longer hesitates to try new things, worries less about whether or not the sub is enjoying it, and knows what drives both her Domspace and arousal. This is often where concepts begin to drive her experimentation as she evaluates her own ideal of the D/s dynamic. e.g. She should have FULL control over his orgasms and denial and it doesn't get any fuller than a chastity device. If she wants to tie or chain him up as part of a punishment, it should be in an uncomfortable and unpleasant manner, etc.
In the growth period, the sub starts to fall behind. The Domme will start introducing things that "shake him up," and take him beyond his comfort zone. The sub may resist at first but eventually will comply quickly through strict discipline. She will likely take any resistance as disobedience and possibly even as an insult. He will be put through the wringer.
What really signifies the growth period is that the Domme will become more confident, more demanding, and more intense while the sub is forcibly ripped from his comfort zone, pushed into deeper states of subspace, and may become agitated at the unexpected nature of what will come next. Basically, her dominance grows faster than his submission.
Eventually... his submission will catch up to her dominance. The male creature is pretty good at adapting to almost anything once his ego has been broken. He comes to trust her judgement and knows she loves him and won't subject him to any permanent damage. When this happens they enter the "plateau period" of the relationship.
During the plateau period things go very smoothly unless the sub slips up. Another assumption: the sub has fully acclimated to the new lifestyle dynamic and things go smoothly. While it might seem harmonious, there is a fatal flaw for the plateau period: boredom. Things get routine, stale, and predictable. This may be the shared feelings of both parties or it may be one-sided. If it is one-sided, chances are the sub is fine with the arrangement but the Domme has started itching for more.
Both cases tend to lead to a similar outcome: things get shaken up and the relationship is brought back to the growth period. The only difference between how this is instigated is whether it's simply the Domme's wish or if it's the decision of both parties. In cases where an extreme decision is made, such as converting the relationship to a poly arrangement with additional subs, cuckolding, etc. it is often (but not always) consented to by both parties. I would be willing to wager that the more cycles between growth and plateau periods the couple has experienced, the more likely the Domme is to make a unilateral decision and simply tell the sub how things are going to be from now on.
The speed at which any changes occur varies greatly from couple to couple but barring situations with a commitment to the "consensual mutual pleasure" line of thought, it seems D/s relationships almost always progress each party involved undergoes their process of progressive escalation.
Female vs. male "Natural" Dominance
Last night Mistress and I went out with another Femdom couple. The conversation briefly touched on vanilla men with dominant/alpha personalities and it got me thinking about a post I made recently about men and women in the lifestyle: Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage.
Men are highly driven by the expectations of other men. I believe that throughout most of their developmental years (read as: school), men are taught to run with a pack. There's an alpha (leader), the beta (the leader's right hand man), the pack (followers), and the omega (the butt of the joke). The alpha sets the tone and the rest of the pack follows suit. Men are taught to mimic the behaviors of the alpha. The alpha learns "popular" behaviors from outside influence (TV, magazines, etc.).
"Good" male behavior involves having sex with (many) beautiful women, doing whatever you want to do, and always appear powerful and in control. Not all men really want to do to this and not all men are completely capable of doing this, but it is important to continue this image in order to maintain his place in the pack.
In his private life (family, one on one with his lover, etc.) the same man may be tender, sensitive, caring, loving, and good-natured. In his public life (with the pack) he must project all of his expected behaviors and is constantly pressured to be insecure about being happy with his private life.
For anyone that isn't the alpha, the appearance of dominance is an appearance projected to impress other men. For anyone that isn't the alpha, they are already accustomed to submitting to a more powerful being. I believe this is why you find men that appear super in control and dominant in with their public face, but immediately become docile and submissive around a prominent figure in their life that doesn't make them feel insecure about their role with other men (e.g. wife/girlfriend, mother, etc.).
Removed from the pressures of the pack, I think there are a lot less dominant/controlling men out there than people may believe.
That doesn't mean that dominant men don't exist, it just reduces their headcount. The alpha male does exist, but I think there are two types of alphas.
1. The natural alpha. He is ambitious and takes control from the get go in pursuing what he wants.
2. The nurtured alpha. His male father-figures/role-models have deeply ingrained insecurity within his psyche. He is driven to behave dominantly in order to avoid shame and ridicule and to always appear like a manly man.
This is not to say that natural alphas don't have a nurtured side, but in most cases, the bulk of the nurturing that has helped him develop his alpha characteristics has been through positive reinforcement.
Nurtured alphas are more common. They are usually somewhat insecure and are often out to prove themselves. Men/boys who are big on hazing rituals, bullying, and the like are usually of this type. They want to appear in control so that no one knows they are scared and often dislike themselves deep down. They have become a product of the pressures of outside influence. If their well-laid plans derail, you can expect a meltdown or tantrum, often followed by giving up on the original plan. While they may appear dominant, I don't consider this a natural dominance.
Natural alphas are rare but they do exist. They are usually charismatic and have many enviable characteristics about them that set the bar for what other men want to be. They are cool and in control. These are the types that bounce back strongly from failure. I consider these types to be the one kind of man that is naturally dominant.
A quick summary:
-There are less truly dominant men than people often believe. Men removed from the pack usually drop the appearance of dominance.
-For many men that exert dominant characteristics, many of these men are driven by insecurity.
-A handful of men are naturally dominant.
I have purposefully ignored special cases such as mental illness and sociopaths. I am happy that the Male Dom role exists so that a safe outlet can exist for their desires and they don't end up as serial killers.
Women are a bit different.
Mothers tend to take a much more active role in shaping a girl's expectations of the world and who she is supposed to be. Both mother and daughter are at the mercy of society's pressures, norms, and expectations that they often conform to. The effects overall are that a woman is often subjected to greater pressure of "who she is supposed to be" at an earlier age and this affects them for much of their lives. However, as society changes and relaxes its expectations of women, each successive generation of women seem to be more open to their potential as individuals while the male stranglehold over society and career fields gradually dwindles away.
As women begin to view their lives as being (at least partially) under their own control, ambition becomes a largely motivating factor. While they still face constant outside influence attempting to keep them insecure, women are growing increasingly more secure with themselves over time. Want to play sports? Go for it. Want a rewarding career? Go for it. Want to call the shots for your family and your future? Go for it.
This is where I see the greatest divergence between the dominance arising naturally in men vs. women. Male society has trapped itself in a motivation by shame, trial by fire attitude. Female society has begun to self-motivate with views of freedom, ambition, and fulfilling one's potential.
The end result is that women often reach a point where they know exactly what they want and exactly the path they want to walk to get it done, without the need for an alpha-based hierarchy to give them a benchmark for comparison.
I think this is why we are seeing more naturally occurring dominance in women while this is reserved for only the most capable and secure men.
Men are highly driven by the expectations of other men. I believe that throughout most of their developmental years (read as: school), men are taught to run with a pack. There's an alpha (leader), the beta (the leader's right hand man), the pack (followers), and the omega (the butt of the joke). The alpha sets the tone and the rest of the pack follows suit. Men are taught to mimic the behaviors of the alpha. The alpha learns "popular" behaviors from outside influence (TV, magazines, etc.).
"Good" male behavior involves having sex with (many) beautiful women, doing whatever you want to do, and always appear powerful and in control. Not all men really want to do to this and not all men are completely capable of doing this, but it is important to continue this image in order to maintain his place in the pack.
In his private life (family, one on one with his lover, etc.) the same man may be tender, sensitive, caring, loving, and good-natured. In his public life (with the pack) he must project all of his expected behaviors and is constantly pressured to be insecure about being happy with his private life.
For anyone that isn't the alpha, the appearance of dominance is an appearance projected to impress other men. For anyone that isn't the alpha, they are already accustomed to submitting to a more powerful being. I believe this is why you find men that appear super in control and dominant in with their public face, but immediately become docile and submissive around a prominent figure in their life that doesn't make them feel insecure about their role with other men (e.g. wife/girlfriend, mother, etc.).
Removed from the pressures of the pack, I think there are a lot less dominant/controlling men out there than people may believe.
That doesn't mean that dominant men don't exist, it just reduces their headcount. The alpha male does exist, but I think there are two types of alphas.
1. The natural alpha. He is ambitious and takes control from the get go in pursuing what he wants.
2. The nurtured alpha. His male father-figures/role-models have deeply ingrained insecurity within his psyche. He is driven to behave dominantly in order to avoid shame and ridicule and to always appear like a manly man.
This is not to say that natural alphas don't have a nurtured side, but in most cases, the bulk of the nurturing that has helped him develop his alpha characteristics has been through positive reinforcement.
Nurtured alphas are more common. They are usually somewhat insecure and are often out to prove themselves. Men/boys who are big on hazing rituals, bullying, and the like are usually of this type. They want to appear in control so that no one knows they are scared and often dislike themselves deep down. They have become a product of the pressures of outside influence. If their well-laid plans derail, you can expect a meltdown or tantrum, often followed by giving up on the original plan. While they may appear dominant, I don't consider this a natural dominance.
Natural alphas are rare but they do exist. They are usually charismatic and have many enviable characteristics about them that set the bar for what other men want to be. They are cool and in control. These are the types that bounce back strongly from failure. I consider these types to be the one kind of man that is naturally dominant.
A quick summary:
-There are less truly dominant men than people often believe. Men removed from the pack usually drop the appearance of dominance.
-For many men that exert dominant characteristics, many of these men are driven by insecurity.
-A handful of men are naturally dominant.
I have purposefully ignored special cases such as mental illness and sociopaths. I am happy that the Male Dom role exists so that a safe outlet can exist for their desires and they don't end up as serial killers.
Women are a bit different.
Mothers tend to take a much more active role in shaping a girl's expectations of the world and who she is supposed to be. Both mother and daughter are at the mercy of society's pressures, norms, and expectations that they often conform to. The effects overall are that a woman is often subjected to greater pressure of "who she is supposed to be" at an earlier age and this affects them for much of their lives. However, as society changes and relaxes its expectations of women, each successive generation of women seem to be more open to their potential as individuals while the male stranglehold over society and career fields gradually dwindles away.
As women begin to view their lives as being (at least partially) under their own control, ambition becomes a largely motivating factor. While they still face constant outside influence attempting to keep them insecure, women are growing increasingly more secure with themselves over time. Want to play sports? Go for it. Want a rewarding career? Go for it. Want to call the shots for your family and your future? Go for it.
This is where I see the greatest divergence between the dominance arising naturally in men vs. women. Male society has trapped itself in a motivation by shame, trial by fire attitude. Female society has begun to self-motivate with views of freedom, ambition, and fulfilling one's potential.
The end result is that women often reach a point where they know exactly what they want and exactly the path they want to walk to get it done, without the need for an alpha-based hierarchy to give them a benchmark for comparison.
I think this is why we are seeing more naturally occurring dominance in women while this is reserved for only the most capable and secure men.
Friday, January 6, 2012
A Sissy Stigma
I came up with the idea for this drawing several weeks ago but I didn't have a model that really "fit." I was a bit reluctant to draw it because I was worried it might offend some, but when I bounced the idea of another sissy they thought it was "clever and insightful."
I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.
This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.
I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.
This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.
Requested Drawing
I received a request for a new drawing a few days ago from a Mistress. All I was given to go on was that it should include cruelty, chastity, pain, ignorance, and despair, and she "trusted my creativity" to be able to come up with something.
I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P
I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Why do I blog?
I had a few reasons for starting this blog:
1. The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings. I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.
2. I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them. In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback. When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons. If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me. In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.
I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself. It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission. There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.
3. I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome.
Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:
R1. I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog. I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow. I am still terrified that it's dead in the water. This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across. For this I will say it has been a success.
R2. This has worked in many ways. A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through. Some emotional healing has been done. Some emotional healing still needs to be done. Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.
R3. This is a bit more of a mixed bag. Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another. I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics. I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit.
My bi-products of blogging:
-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them. If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction. Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.
What I feel blogging has become to me:
A. An escape. It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control. 12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset.
B. My primary source of interaction. I have started craving interaction. I have started to crave praise. Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction. In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down. It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something. It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.
A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s). Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything. It's time to change that.
So...
It's time for a break. I will continue to draw and post the drawings here. I may still write up a quickie post now and then. I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there. I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here. I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood.
I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.
1. The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings. I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.
2. I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them. In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback. When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons. If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me. In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.
I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself. It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission. There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.
3. I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome.
Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:
R1. I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog. I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow. I am still terrified that it's dead in the water. This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across. For this I will say it has been a success.
R2. This has worked in many ways. A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through. Some emotional healing has been done. Some emotional healing still needs to be done. Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.
R3. This is a bit more of a mixed bag. Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another. I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics. I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit.
My bi-products of blogging:
-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them. If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction. Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.
What I feel blogging has become to me:
A. An escape. It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control. 12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset.
B. My primary source of interaction. I have started craving interaction. I have started to crave praise. Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction. In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down. It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something. It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.
A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s). Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything. It's time to change that.
So...
It's time for a break. I will continue to draw and post the drawings here. I may still write up a quickie post now and then. I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there. I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here. I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood.
I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Discontinued D/s Product - Her Delight
Several years ago, the company that developed the CB-X000 line of chastity devices, came out with a dildo-type add-on that worked with the existing CB cock rings (it was compatible with the 2000, 3000, and the Curve). The product was known as "Her Delight" and it was basically a fairly large dildo that fit over your penis and was held in place by the ring and some posts. The device could be attached in two different ways: with a locking pin that would insert through the top at the base or it could be locked in in the same style as the cage portion of the CB line. The top pin was to keep a padlock from hurting the woman.
I pre-ordered this product when it was in its development phase and received one from the first shipment of 1,000. I remember reading about "issues" people had with them and I believe there was a second production run that improved a few of the cosmetic molding defects of the first batch. There were plans to redesign the shape (and making it smaller), but I believe it ended up being scrapped and this item has not been available for several years.
I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches. I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big." Finally we found a time to use it.
I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base.
I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex. I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast. Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine.
What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before. Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent. Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there. It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints. She just said "let's take a shower."
In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off. After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit. I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer. I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard. She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it. I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though. I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."
I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?" She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me. Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago. I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy. And besides... it turns me on to hear that." I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time. It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.
Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.
I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.
Who knows? It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.
I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches. I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big." Finally we found a time to use it.
I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base.
I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex. I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast. Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine.
What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before. Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent. Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there. It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints. She just said "let's take a shower."
In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off. After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit. I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer. I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard. She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it. I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though. I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."
I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?" She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me. Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago. I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy. And besides... it turns me on to hear that." I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time. It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.
Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.
I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.
Who knows? It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Chastity Device Reviews
I've been writing a lot about chastity lately but I realize I haven't done any writing upon actual chastity devices.
I have used four types of chastity over the years: A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000.
None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info. If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.
A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis: A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid. For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid. People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.
The Houdini. These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it. The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.
Price: $100-300
Comfort: C
These things are heavy. I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals. The handcuff proves an interesting challenge. Go too loose and you can slip out. Go too tight and you can cut off circulation. If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge. These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.
Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.
Sanitary: B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy. Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.
Durability: A
It's steel. With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.
Miscellaneous:
Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector. Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch. This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.
The CB-2000. The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's. It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage.
Cost: $100-150
Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth. There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage. The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit. The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you. This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged. You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.
Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective. You could cut your way out rather easily. Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum. A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free. With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected. The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.
Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.
Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.
Miscellaneous:
Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring. One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars. This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on). The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid. This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.
The CB-3000. The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues. It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.
Price $150-170
Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through. The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential. Lube/lotion recommended. The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis. You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage. That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube. The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.
Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000. There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security. The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.
Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000. Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer. If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick.
Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line. This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.
Miscellaneous:
One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage. If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock. The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well). The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid. The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.
Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-6000. The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000.
Price: $150-200.
Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body. Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others. The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on. The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs. The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through. The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used. The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.
Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-. The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.
Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.
Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).
Miscellaneous:
The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch. The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things. Pubic shaving is a must. The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit. I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised.
If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000. The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum. The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens.
We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes.
I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use). I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff. One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on.
I have used four types of chastity over the years: A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000.
None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info. If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.
A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis: A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid. For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid. People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.
The Houdini. These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it. The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.
Price: $100-300
Comfort: C
These things are heavy. I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals. The handcuff proves an interesting challenge. Go too loose and you can slip out. Go too tight and you can cut off circulation. If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge. These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.
Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.
Sanitary: B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy. Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.
Durability: A
It's steel. With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.
Miscellaneous:
Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector. Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch. This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.
The CB-2000. The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's. It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage.
Cost: $100-150
Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth. There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage. The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit. The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you. This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged. You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.
Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective. You could cut your way out rather easily. Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum. A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free. With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected. The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.
Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.
Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.
Miscellaneous:
Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring. One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars. This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on). The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid. This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.
The CB-3000. The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues. It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.
Price $150-170
Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through. The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential. Lube/lotion recommended. The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis. You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage. That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube. The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.
Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000. There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security. The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.
Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000. Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer. If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick.
Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line. This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.
Miscellaneous:
One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage. If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock. The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well). The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid. The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.
Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-6000. The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000.
Price: $150-200.
Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body. Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others. The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on. The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs. The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through. The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used. The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.
Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-. The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.
Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.
Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).
Miscellaneous:
The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch. The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things. Pubic shaving is a must. The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit. I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised.
If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000. The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum. The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens.
We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes.
I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use). I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff. One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on.
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