In my shallower subspace I am a bit of a brat. I tend to be a little bit of a tease and will occasionally attempt to turn her on and/or lose control.
This may be bad form on my part, but I've always felt if the dynamics weren't ramped up, there probably isn't any harm in letting the woman I love know that I'm attracted to her.
In regards to this, K was a bit different than F or T.
With K, it was more of a sensual seduction. I could rub up against her and nuzzle my face into her shoulder, gently kissing her. If she looked at me I might make some small motions with my tongue. If she was "into it" she would look away and pretend to ignore me, forcing my advances to get more aggressive. At some point she might ask, "what's wrong pet? I get the impression that you want me to put your tongue to work..." or something along those lines. K was a bit of a voyeur, so her response was often to have me strip and tease my genitals or my nipples until I was whimpering for her attention. That was her "warm up" process and it took a few cycles of her ordering me to do/stop doing something for her to get revved up.
F and T were similar in that the majority of what they wanted to do involved my rump. If I was feeling adventurous I might wiggle my rump for them, "dropping things" and bending over to pick them up, and so on.
With F it was easy to see her progress. As she would get turned on a grin would form on her face that wouldn't go away and her eyes became... predatory. F didn't like getting too aroused when it wasn't her choice, so if I did this, I knew I was playing with fire. This was the start of our sex though, so I will admit to being the guilty party in this. If I tried to turn her on... she would use that to fuel her sadism... the insolent slave attempting to seduce his Mistress. It wouldn't be long before I was writhing and squirming, sobbing and struggling within her grasp. That was what she wanted... to make me cry out in pain and watch my tears flow. That was her warm up.
With T, I knew that once I offered that up she would both hurt me and violate me, but unlike F, she preferred much more to violate me than to hurt me. T required a lot less warm up than F or K. Her arousal was often like a light switch... once it was on, it was on and things would start soon after. It would only take her half a dozen swats to my rump before she was ready to take me. I knew after she violated me and my tears subsided, that we would lie together and feel close and intimate.
I know that in some situations, these attempts at seduction would be frowned upon. I know that I could live without them but in my memories they are often quite happy times.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Interesting Advertising
Over the past 10+ years I have made a habit of collecting images of clothing that I find attractive. These have often been used as models in my drawings. For some odd reason most of what I follow happens during the winter months :P
A recent trend (over the past few years) that has bothered me lately is that the majority of upper end department stores are now cutting off the pictures so that the models aren't visible in the shot... it makes me feel like they may as well have used mannequins. Most of this is disappointment on my end since I just don't like looking at clothing unless it's on a woman.
While "making the rounds" this year, I randomly stumbled across a collection I had saved years ago from the Bebe advertising campaign that I managed to save and found it to be rather interesting. While Bebe designs are often somewhat froufrou, their ads are interesting in that they often seem to push the sexy = powerful type of vibe.
Some years it's a little more blatant than others:
A little CFNM:
A recent trend (over the past few years) that has bothered me lately is that the majority of upper end department stores are now cutting off the pictures so that the models aren't visible in the shot... it makes me feel like they may as well have used mannequins. Most of this is disappointment on my end since I just don't like looking at clothing unless it's on a woman.
While "making the rounds" this year, I randomly stumbled across a collection I had saved years ago from the Bebe advertising campaign that I managed to save and found it to be rather interesting. While Bebe designs are often somewhat froufrou, their ads are interesting in that they often seem to push the sexy = powerful type of vibe.
Some years it's a little more blatant than others:
A little CFNM:
I can't lie... this one caters to my Lesbian fantasy:
I stumbled upon this about 2 minutes after making this post. Didn't anticipate them going "this far":
First Snow
It snowed here yesterday, which basically means that winter has started and the weather will likely be shitty until around... May.
I've written about it before, but I was raised to tough it out. I wear a pair of gloves when it gets cold out, but I rarely zip my coat and I never wear hats, scarves, etc. This greatly seems to impact the humiliation of my previous experiences with being forced to wear what I have worn.
This past year the ache has grown stronger. The need for attention in this part of my life is ever-present and very little happens to appease the hunger.
Over the past few weeks I've mulled over the idea of wearing a pair of fur earmuffs on my way to and home from work. Nothing outrageously bad, probably something dark colored but probably just past the edge of unisex. The thought of it makes me squirm a bit and I would have to wonder if this would help.
Self-induced humiliation always feels a bit wrong... but is it better than just feeling desire? Or would it just be a reminder of how sad I feel on a daily basis? I don't know.
I've written about it before, but I was raised to tough it out. I wear a pair of gloves when it gets cold out, but I rarely zip my coat and I never wear hats, scarves, etc. This greatly seems to impact the humiliation of my previous experiences with being forced to wear what I have worn.
This past year the ache has grown stronger. The need for attention in this part of my life is ever-present and very little happens to appease the hunger.
Over the past few weeks I've mulled over the idea of wearing a pair of fur earmuffs on my way to and home from work. Nothing outrageously bad, probably something dark colored but probably just past the edge of unisex. The thought of it makes me squirm a bit and I would have to wonder if this would help.
Self-induced humiliation always feels a bit wrong... but is it better than just feeling desire? Or would it just be a reminder of how sad I feel on a daily basis? I don't know.
Some random "What ifs"
Depression has hit me full on these past couple of weeks... I will keep writing in hope that I will see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Some recent events and interactions within the kink realm have gotten me thinking about something again. They are more thoughts than serious considerations but I will go ahead and put them out there.
I have known a handful of male Doms out there that aren't naturally dominant. They were in fact subs, but due to their enjoyment of kink and inability to attract a Domme (over the course of several years), they switched roles and reclassified themselves as Doms in order to make it easier to find a partner or partners. This change shuffled their spot on the hierarchy and led to an almost immediate shift in their success. Basically, they went from being one of the man to one of the few... one of the overlooked to one of the desired.
I won't lie, at times I've felt this was a bit of a "cheap out." Instead of working to better oneself as a submissive, to merely flip to a different role in order to make things easier... sort of like giving up the guitar in order to become a bassist or drummer simply to find a band. My pride as a sub had never allowed me to consider that before, but as I sit here with a heavy and aching heart, what is my pride truly worth?
The other reason I am thinking about this is after hearing from a submissive friend that they discovered their Dom had been looking at a lot of Femdom porn. I've never considered it "wrong" for a femsub to change roles and become a Domme. In fact, I've always considered femsubs to simply be those lacking in confidence or self-esteem, and if those factors were present, I have often felt their dominant tendencies would surface quickly. I'm not sure why I hold this sort of double-standard, feeling like male subs that become Doms are "fakers" while femsubs that become Dommes are "confident and healthy."
It has always been my pride that blocked me from anything other than "dabbling" with what it would be like if I ever switched. I have been told by a few that they felt I would be a good Dom. In a lot of ways, my meticulous personality and understanding of how human emotions work within an environmental system probably would make me a responsible Dom. I doubt that I would ever leave a sub wanting for more strictness. I am a natural tease and I know how to get into a person's head. I also know for a fact that with the level that I care for others that I would be able to sustain an environment that could make a sub happy.
Something that has always puzzled me is why people with strong fetishes are mostly submissive. e.g. why does someone with a shoe fetish associate as a submissive and often alienate their partners by being drawn more to shoes than to the person? Wouldn't it be easier for them to be a Dom and order their sub to wear the styles of shoes they fancy?
With that in mind, would it not be easier for someone like myself to order a sub to wear fur/leather/boots/gloves that I find attractive rather than hope to find someone who enjoys wearing those things? Probably. I also know from conversations that most women would be horrified to dress in the way that I have been forced to, so many of the humiliation aspects would carry over.
Why then do I choose the hard route?
I know in my heart that this choice isn't for me. Two major factors come into play. The first is that I cannot physically hurt a woman, so that pain play and/or corporal punishment is off the table. I am emotionally incapable of doing such things. If her face shows suffering my instinct is to make her smile. The second is that I am sexually incapable of responding from the top role. I would not be able to perform in that way and I think that would probably be hurtful on many levels.
Beyond that, I know in my heart I do not deserve it. I am the one who suffers. I am the one who must earn approval and affection. I am the one who endures, ever grateful that someone took notice of me.
I know deep down that if I were to ever attempt a switch that I would be a faker. I do know that I should probably stop feeling that way about others.
Some recent events and interactions within the kink realm have gotten me thinking about something again. They are more thoughts than serious considerations but I will go ahead and put them out there.
I have known a handful of male Doms out there that aren't naturally dominant. They were in fact subs, but due to their enjoyment of kink and inability to attract a Domme (over the course of several years), they switched roles and reclassified themselves as Doms in order to make it easier to find a partner or partners. This change shuffled their spot on the hierarchy and led to an almost immediate shift in their success. Basically, they went from being one of the man to one of the few... one of the overlooked to one of the desired.
I won't lie, at times I've felt this was a bit of a "cheap out." Instead of working to better oneself as a submissive, to merely flip to a different role in order to make things easier... sort of like giving up the guitar in order to become a bassist or drummer simply to find a band. My pride as a sub had never allowed me to consider that before, but as I sit here with a heavy and aching heart, what is my pride truly worth?
The other reason I am thinking about this is after hearing from a submissive friend that they discovered their Dom had been looking at a lot of Femdom porn. I've never considered it "wrong" for a femsub to change roles and become a Domme. In fact, I've always considered femsubs to simply be those lacking in confidence or self-esteem, and if those factors were present, I have often felt their dominant tendencies would surface quickly. I'm not sure why I hold this sort of double-standard, feeling like male subs that become Doms are "fakers" while femsubs that become Dommes are "confident and healthy."
It has always been my pride that blocked me from anything other than "dabbling" with what it would be like if I ever switched. I have been told by a few that they felt I would be a good Dom. In a lot of ways, my meticulous personality and understanding of how human emotions work within an environmental system probably would make me a responsible Dom. I doubt that I would ever leave a sub wanting for more strictness. I am a natural tease and I know how to get into a person's head. I also know for a fact that with the level that I care for others that I would be able to sustain an environment that could make a sub happy.
Something that has always puzzled me is why people with strong fetishes are mostly submissive. e.g. why does someone with a shoe fetish associate as a submissive and often alienate their partners by being drawn more to shoes than to the person? Wouldn't it be easier for them to be a Dom and order their sub to wear the styles of shoes they fancy?
With that in mind, would it not be easier for someone like myself to order a sub to wear fur/leather/boots/gloves that I find attractive rather than hope to find someone who enjoys wearing those things? Probably. I also know from conversations that most women would be horrified to dress in the way that I have been forced to, so many of the humiliation aspects would carry over.
Why then do I choose the hard route?
I know in my heart that this choice isn't for me. Two major factors come into play. The first is that I cannot physically hurt a woman, so that pain play and/or corporal punishment is off the table. I am emotionally incapable of doing such things. If her face shows suffering my instinct is to make her smile. The second is that I am sexually incapable of responding from the top role. I would not be able to perform in that way and I think that would probably be hurtful on many levels.
Beyond that, I know in my heart I do not deserve it. I am the one who suffers. I am the one who must earn approval and affection. I am the one who endures, ever grateful that someone took notice of me.
I know deep down that if I were to ever attempt a switch that I would be a faker. I do know that I should probably stop feeling that way about others.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
More blogger changes
I noticed today they made more changes to the dashboard and have removed the "followers" display from the basic interface. It's still visible if you enter your stats page but seriously...
I know google doesn't seem to give a damn about blogger anymore, but I have to wonder why they persist on making changes that make things worse... rather than just leaving them the same as what they were. They had to pay someone to make the change... so why this?
I know google doesn't seem to give a damn about blogger anymore, but I have to wonder why they persist on making changes that make things worse... rather than just leaving them the same as what they were. They had to pay someone to make the change... so why this?
The Speed of Time
I remember someone once telling me that time passes as a snail's crawl while you are younger and flies when you get older.
If I delve back into my youth I remember being impatient, slowly counting the days until there was something I was really looking forward to. It almost felt like time was standing still. Time seemed to move at a similar type of speed throughout school and until I was done with college. I have come to believe that having a constant set of responsibilities and time constraints kept it moving that way. If I have a paper due Friday and an exam on Tuesday, the time from now until will move slowly.
Post-college and in a vanilla life I found time began to fly. Days pass without notice. Holidays and the like arrive quickly and without warning. I feel this happens because there isn't a lot to differentiate one day from the next. Same shit, different day.
I have frequently been accused of not being able to live in the moment. This is true in some regards, mostly because I worry about consequences. The most recent person to tell me this was a local friend (that I have since purged from my life) that on a whim drove to Las Vegas with his wife and blew through their entire savings on booze, drugs, whores (3-ways), and gambling in a week. They returned broke, asking for loans, and she was pregnant with their third.
I can't say I'm the type to do anything like that. If I spend money on myself, it is likely on something that can be resold for most of (if not all of) what I have invested in it. It isn't fleeting. It will be there tomorrow. I'm not sure if this makes me boring or not. It's just how I am wired.
The closest I come to living in the moment is during D/s-related play. It is a break from my other thoughts and stresses and I try to appreciate it for what it is and not "cheapen it" by bringing distractions into the mix. That being said, even in play I am thinking about the long haul. While the activity may bring pleasure, it is the bigger picture that really touches my soul. The play is part of the dynamic. The dynamic is what I live for.
Since I got out of school, the dynamic is the other factor that has the ability to slow time for me. A strict dynamic returns about those feelings of responsibility and constraints. The twinge of fear in the back of the mind... carrying with it the weight of wanting to make her proud, not wanting to be punished, and wanting to feel good about myself as a submissive is a powerful tool. It is the series of moments within the dynamic that brings it all into perspective. My desires are no longer my own. My thoughts drift between the now and the near future as I mull over ideas for new ways in which I can please her.
Altogether I find it interesting... how "same shit, different day" has such a different impact upon ourselves when it is a life that we would want to live forever. It's almost like... how we perceive the meaning of our lives determines how quickly time seems to pass.
I hope some of this makes sense... these are just some thoughts that stir in my heart.
If I delve back into my youth I remember being impatient, slowly counting the days until there was something I was really looking forward to. It almost felt like time was standing still. Time seemed to move at a similar type of speed throughout school and until I was done with college. I have come to believe that having a constant set of responsibilities and time constraints kept it moving that way. If I have a paper due Friday and an exam on Tuesday, the time from now until will move slowly.
Post-college and in a vanilla life I found time began to fly. Days pass without notice. Holidays and the like arrive quickly and without warning. I feel this happens because there isn't a lot to differentiate one day from the next. Same shit, different day.
I have frequently been accused of not being able to live in the moment. This is true in some regards, mostly because I worry about consequences. The most recent person to tell me this was a local friend (that I have since purged from my life) that on a whim drove to Las Vegas with his wife and blew through their entire savings on booze, drugs, whores (3-ways), and gambling in a week. They returned broke, asking for loans, and she was pregnant with their third.
I can't say I'm the type to do anything like that. If I spend money on myself, it is likely on something that can be resold for most of (if not all of) what I have invested in it. It isn't fleeting. It will be there tomorrow. I'm not sure if this makes me boring or not. It's just how I am wired.
The closest I come to living in the moment is during D/s-related play. It is a break from my other thoughts and stresses and I try to appreciate it for what it is and not "cheapen it" by bringing distractions into the mix. That being said, even in play I am thinking about the long haul. While the activity may bring pleasure, it is the bigger picture that really touches my soul. The play is part of the dynamic. The dynamic is what I live for.
Since I got out of school, the dynamic is the other factor that has the ability to slow time for me. A strict dynamic returns about those feelings of responsibility and constraints. The twinge of fear in the back of the mind... carrying with it the weight of wanting to make her proud, not wanting to be punished, and wanting to feel good about myself as a submissive is a powerful tool. It is the series of moments within the dynamic that brings it all into perspective. My desires are no longer my own. My thoughts drift between the now and the near future as I mull over ideas for new ways in which I can please her.
Altogether I find it interesting... how "same shit, different day" has such a different impact upon ourselves when it is a life that we would want to live forever. It's almost like... how we perceive the meaning of our lives determines how quickly time seems to pass.
I hope some of this makes sense... these are just some thoughts that stir in my heart.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
How this is changing me
On some levels I have to wonder if the lack of dynamics in real life actually push me farther down the rabbit hole.
Denying my submission is fruitless. Manifesting it in ways that I can is potentially dangerous at the rate it can change me.
Dynamics eventually grow stale, but it takes a lot of trial and error, guessing and checking, and the like in a lifestyle situation to reach the point of stability and then time and repetition to make it feel stale. As I remain limited to fantasy and writing fiction, I am finding that I naturally delve into some rather intense and deep/dark versions of the dynamics and scenarios. The problem I see here is that my mind goes through them without stumbling. There is no learning curve. There is no checking in and mutual feedback to ensure things are progressing in a positive way. All of that gets bypassed immediately into its final form... a form that can be scary enough that it might take five years to reach that in real life.
My brain takes me there in an instant and it doesn't take long for that to become stale. It evolves. The problem is that there isn't that process of growing and building... in fantasy it happens in leaps and bounds... it reaches the next plateau without the pleasure of the journey and the climb.
I terrify myself in some ways as to where this takes me and the speed with which it happens.
Denying my submission is fruitless. Manifesting it in ways that I can is potentially dangerous at the rate it can change me.
Dynamics eventually grow stale, but it takes a lot of trial and error, guessing and checking, and the like in a lifestyle situation to reach the point of stability and then time and repetition to make it feel stale. As I remain limited to fantasy and writing fiction, I am finding that I naturally delve into some rather intense and deep/dark versions of the dynamics and scenarios. The problem I see here is that my mind goes through them without stumbling. There is no learning curve. There is no checking in and mutual feedback to ensure things are progressing in a positive way. All of that gets bypassed immediately into its final form... a form that can be scary enough that it might take five years to reach that in real life.
My brain takes me there in an instant and it doesn't take long for that to become stale. It evolves. The problem is that there isn't that process of growing and building... in fantasy it happens in leaps and bounds... it reaches the next plateau without the pleasure of the journey and the climb.
I terrify myself in some ways as to where this takes me and the speed with which it happens.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Analyzing the Fantasy: Ski Trips
I know that I'm currently "stuck" in arc 7 on a ski trip. I've also been a part of a handful of Femdom ski/cabin trips that didn't quite pan out as expected but they were fun to plan nonetheless.
Aside from the obvious allure of my attraction to women in fur, I believe there's quite a bit going on in this type of fantasy.
I've never really flushed it out before but the ski trip fantasy tends to hit on quite a few Femdom fantasy levels for me and since I'm awake and feel like writing I figure it wouldn't hurt to take a deeper look at it. A few things that come to mind:
1. Fur. I'm not going to elaborate here, but I can't write about this without it.
2. Skiing is for the most part, a rich person's sport. While just about every northern area will have a hill of some sort they allow people to ski down, in general, resorts and resort towns tend to be fairly secluded and expensive. For someone to say, rent a cabin in Aspen for a week with friends would require a lot of disposable income and a lot of disposable income tends to play very well into Femdom fantasies.
3. Excess. With #2 in mind and based upon my personal experiences with family members and others that have the disposable income to take said vacations, in the days before strict baggage restrictions (and/or if driving is the method of transportation), ski trips tend(ed) to be full of excess. Not only is there the equipment involved, but also the clothing. Again, drawing from experience, I've found it isn't uncommon for someone taking said trip to want to bring an absurd amount of luggage. With one real life example in mind, I can envision a person that doesn't want to be seen skiing in the same clothing two days in a row as well as having specific ideas for what they will wear while going out, relaxing in, bedtime/mornings, as well as travel days. So for a 7-day trip with 5 days of skiing, it doesn't seem too far-fetched to picture someone with 2-3 ski outfits, 5 sets of accessories, 3-4 warm but fashionable afternoon shopping in town outfits, 5-6 evening outfits, 5-7 warm/comfortable lounging outfits, robe/pj's/slippers, and 2 travel day outfits that are meant to show off yet be comfortable at the same time. That is a lot of luggage for the sub/slave to handle as he caters to her whims/desires.
I do know most women aren't this way, but this is fantasy.
4. Comfort extremes. She lounges in front of the fireplace sipping wine. He freezes outside shoveling snow and chopping firewood. Isn't that the way it should be?
To make it even more daunting, she can make the extremes more/less bearable. Is he allowed a coat? Gloves? Hat? Boots? Take away any of those and it can be made incrementally worse very easily.
5. Isolation. When you are out in the middle of nowhere and the sun goes down, what is left to do? This scenario is prime for sex and play. If it's an isolated cabin you don't have to worry about neighbors. If it's far away from home there is a lot safer potential for public exposure.
I'm sure I've missed a few things but it just seems like this fantasy seems to play very well in a Femdom context.
Aside from the obvious allure of my attraction to women in fur, I believe there's quite a bit going on in this type of fantasy.
I've never really flushed it out before but the ski trip fantasy tends to hit on quite a few Femdom fantasy levels for me and since I'm awake and feel like writing I figure it wouldn't hurt to take a deeper look at it. A few things that come to mind:
1. Fur. I'm not going to elaborate here, but I can't write about this without it.
2. Skiing is for the most part, a rich person's sport. While just about every northern area will have a hill of some sort they allow people to ski down, in general, resorts and resort towns tend to be fairly secluded and expensive. For someone to say, rent a cabin in Aspen for a week with friends would require a lot of disposable income and a lot of disposable income tends to play very well into Femdom fantasies.
3. Excess. With #2 in mind and based upon my personal experiences with family members and others that have the disposable income to take said vacations, in the days before strict baggage restrictions (and/or if driving is the method of transportation), ski trips tend(ed) to be full of excess. Not only is there the equipment involved, but also the clothing. Again, drawing from experience, I've found it isn't uncommon for someone taking said trip to want to bring an absurd amount of luggage. With one real life example in mind, I can envision a person that doesn't want to be seen skiing in the same clothing two days in a row as well as having specific ideas for what they will wear while going out, relaxing in, bedtime/mornings, as well as travel days. So for a 7-day trip with 5 days of skiing, it doesn't seem too far-fetched to picture someone with 2-3 ski outfits, 5 sets of accessories, 3-4 warm but fashionable afternoon shopping in town outfits, 5-6 evening outfits, 5-7 warm/comfortable lounging outfits, robe/pj's/slippers, and 2 travel day outfits that are meant to show off yet be comfortable at the same time. That is a lot of luggage for the sub/slave to handle as he caters to her whims/desires.
I do know most women aren't this way, but this is fantasy.
4. Comfort extremes. She lounges in front of the fireplace sipping wine. He freezes outside shoveling snow and chopping firewood. Isn't that the way it should be?
To make it even more daunting, she can make the extremes more/less bearable. Is he allowed a coat? Gloves? Hat? Boots? Take away any of those and it can be made incrementally worse very easily.
5. Isolation. When you are out in the middle of nowhere and the sun goes down, what is left to do? This scenario is prime for sex and play. If it's an isolated cabin you don't have to worry about neighbors. If it's far away from home there is a lot safer potential for public exposure.
I'm sure I've missed a few things but it just seems like this fantasy seems to play very well in a Femdom context.
I can't say I've been big on helmets...
I grew up in the last generation of kids that didn't wear helmets and climbed around on rusty and jagged metal playground equipment and I have the scars to prove it.
With that in mind, I've never been big on helmets... until I stumbled across these. I enjoy the idea quite a bit and it's almost enough for me to preach safety.
With that in mind, I've never been big on helmets... until I stumbled across these. I enjoy the idea quite a bit and it's almost enough for me to preach safety.
Nothing New
I would love to say that things are different. I am finding ways to get by but I'm still "out of tune" with this side of myself. I am still trying and will hopefully find my way back soon.
As a random note, now that I'm not making regular posts the RSS feeds seems to update almost instantaneously. Yay for technology.
As a random note, now that I'm not making regular posts the RSS feeds seems to update almost instantaneously. Yay for technology.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
More from the Early Years
Well for some reason I seem to snap out of writer's block whenever I
share something horribly embarrassing from my past... so here goes...
I wrote a bit about my play habits in my youth in my reflections posts and a few others. Something I tend to keep as a buried secret but falls important into my D/s development is closely tied to the G.I. Joe toys I played with as a child.
This is my fourth attempt at writing this so I will try to skip the history lesson but I will provide a
quick summary of the two sides.
The good guys: G.I. Joe. The heroes of the line. All unique and highly skilled individuals capable of great things against overwhelming odds. Diverse in race and gender.
The bad guys: Cobra. The villains of the line. With the exception of a few leadership characters they are all nameless rank and file with covered faces. While superior in numbers they are always defeated.
While this was a toy line, comic book, and cartoon series in my youth, it has haunted me a lot over the years. I mostly played as the Cobras since I thought they "looked cooler," but deep down I know that my own sense of being treated differently for my physical appearance made the idea of having a face hidden from the world was actually appealing.
In addition to her normal bondage games, M would occasionally play with me with my G.I. figures. She would choose to be the good guys and state openly that "the good guys always win." She would then proceed to defeat and capture my characters and then lead them around as her prisoners. M would tire of this (it usually took about 5 minutes to reduce things to this state) and would frequently return to the others at this point. On a handful of occasions she would decide she wanted to play it "for real" and she would tie a scarf over my face like a mask and bind my hands so I could be her prisoner.
As I continued to secretly crave attention from M, the play style that she started became common for me in private. The female characters in the toy line were all badasses. While I had to keep it secret to avoid ridicule from my friends, my Cobras were all commanded by the Baroness:
It's probably no secret that this ended up developing part of my Femdom allure as I grew up... being commanded by a powerful woman in a black leather catsuit. She would command absolute obedience but then sacrifice the others to escape when things went south.
What complicates matters even more is another character. I'm unable to pinpoint just exactly when the whole fur thing came in and made things even more complicated for me, but this didn't help:
I'm not really sure but this uniform just doesn't seem all that imposing. When I would play in private, this character was me. I would be bossed around by the Baroness until I would be captured by M:
This made me feel severely screwed up for a long, long time. I continued to secretly play with these for several years after "I quit playing with toys." It was a huge source of shame for me. To make things worse, it bled in as I continued to fantasize about M over the years.
I believe this is the source of my inner-henchman.
I wrote a bit about my play habits in my youth in my reflections posts and a few others. Something I tend to keep as a buried secret but falls important into my D/s development is closely tied to the G.I. Joe toys I played with as a child.
This is my fourth attempt at writing this so I will try to skip the history lesson but I will provide a
quick summary of the two sides.
The good guys: G.I. Joe. The heroes of the line. All unique and highly skilled individuals capable of great things against overwhelming odds. Diverse in race and gender.
The bad guys: Cobra. The villains of the line. With the exception of a few leadership characters they are all nameless rank and file with covered faces. While superior in numbers they are always defeated.
While this was a toy line, comic book, and cartoon series in my youth, it has haunted me a lot over the years. I mostly played as the Cobras since I thought they "looked cooler," but deep down I know that my own sense of being treated differently for my physical appearance made the idea of having a face hidden from the world was actually appealing.
In addition to her normal bondage games, M would occasionally play with me with my G.I. figures. She would choose to be the good guys and state openly that "the good guys always win." She would then proceed to defeat and capture my characters and then lead them around as her prisoners. M would tire of this (it usually took about 5 minutes to reduce things to this state) and would frequently return to the others at this point. On a handful of occasions she would decide she wanted to play it "for real" and she would tie a scarf over my face like a mask and bind my hands so I could be her prisoner.
As I continued to secretly crave attention from M, the play style that she started became common for me in private. The female characters in the toy line were all badasses. While I had to keep it secret to avoid ridicule from my friends, my Cobras were all commanded by the Baroness:
It's probably no secret that this ended up developing part of my Femdom allure as I grew up... being commanded by a powerful woman in a black leather catsuit. She would command absolute obedience but then sacrifice the others to escape when things went south.
What complicates matters even more is another character. I'm unable to pinpoint just exactly when the whole fur thing came in and made things even more complicated for me, but this didn't help:
I'm not really sure but this uniform just doesn't seem all that imposing. When I would play in private, this character was me. I would be bossed around by the Baroness until I would be captured by M:
This made me feel severely screwed up for a long, long time. I continued to secretly play with these for several years after "I quit playing with toys." It was a huge source of shame for me. To make things worse, it bled in as I continued to fantasize about M over the years.
I believe this is the source of my inner-henchman.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Trying
I'm really trying to break down this barrier that is blocking my writing. Unfortunately my head is extremely cloudy... and I feel disconnected from my heart at this time. I'm going to keep trying rather than just avoiding my blog. I apologize in advance if I make a string of shitty posts in that process as my thoughts don't seem to really get anywhere. I'd rather write badly than not write. Hopefully this will help.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
A Sea of Thoughts The Blurry Lines of Arousal
Sometimes it seems as a submissive that we are supposed to feel guilty if we have desires of our own. The idea of us selflessly giving and serving is the ideal. If you wish for things beyond the privilege of being allowed to submit... it's often seen as bad. That makes you a "do me" sub. etc.
All in all that is part of the game. There are enough terrible sub-wannabes out there that make Dommes jaded and bring about this hard-line stance.
I'm not going to really debate the merits of the game. As I've stated in the past I believe that submission provides "something more" for a sub... usually some mix of emotional and sexual fulfillment that makes submission worth doing.
Fairy tales are full of sympathetic protagonists, living destitute lives of abuse and labor and carrying hopes and dreams of a better life. It is only the submissive that longs for the reverse... they are usually in a functional life with too much freedom. It is the submissive that longs to be taken from their free life and driven back to the beginning of the fairy tale.
Blurred lines upon lines... convoluted ideas... where does the boundary between submission and "do me" fall?
When you look at the sexuality of a submissive I think it is important to remember that subs tend to be heavily fueled by the psychological side of things. While they will surely respond to direct physical stimulation, they are also very likely to respond to dynamics and environment. If we consider an erection (or attempted erection) to be the most basic form of arousal, I believe the answer to the question may fall in with the depth of arousal.
To look at the extreme end first, I believe the tipping point for a sub happens when they reach the state you could describe as "horny." At this point they have been aroused to the point where they desire physical stimulus in order to ejaculate. Their brain no longer functions rationally as they seek physical gratification, despite their beliefs or best intentions. I classify this state as overstimulated.
It is in this overstimulated state where a sub can become "do me."
I tend to strongly equate the depth of my own subspace with my level of arousal. I must be aroused to reach subspace, and "sufficiently" aroused to reach deep subspace. This becomes a bit trickier as it relies heavily on the idea of sexual frustration. The sweet spot is then to be stimulated enough to where the chemicals and hormones allow for my psychological submission but not stimulated enough to where I become horny.
Thus it becomes a game of tease & denial, keeping a sub aroused enough to feel submissive but never permitting enough stimulation to push them into their base mental state.
I do have to say that a Domme that is able to keep their sub off-balance and wanting in such a way truly has a fearsome skill.
All in all that is part of the game. There are enough terrible sub-wannabes out there that make Dommes jaded and bring about this hard-line stance.
I'm not going to really debate the merits of the game. As I've stated in the past I believe that submission provides "something more" for a sub... usually some mix of emotional and sexual fulfillment that makes submission worth doing.
Fairy tales are full of sympathetic protagonists, living destitute lives of abuse and labor and carrying hopes and dreams of a better life. It is only the submissive that longs for the reverse... they are usually in a functional life with too much freedom. It is the submissive that longs to be taken from their free life and driven back to the beginning of the fairy tale.
Blurred lines upon lines... convoluted ideas... where does the boundary between submission and "do me" fall?
When you look at the sexuality of a submissive I think it is important to remember that subs tend to be heavily fueled by the psychological side of things. While they will surely respond to direct physical stimulation, they are also very likely to respond to dynamics and environment. If we consider an erection (or attempted erection) to be the most basic form of arousal, I believe the answer to the question may fall in with the depth of arousal.
To look at the extreme end first, I believe the tipping point for a sub happens when they reach the state you could describe as "horny." At this point they have been aroused to the point where they desire physical stimulus in order to ejaculate. Their brain no longer functions rationally as they seek physical gratification, despite their beliefs or best intentions. I classify this state as overstimulated.
It is in this overstimulated state where a sub can become "do me."
I tend to strongly equate the depth of my own subspace with my level of arousal. I must be aroused to reach subspace, and "sufficiently" aroused to reach deep subspace. This becomes a bit trickier as it relies heavily on the idea of sexual frustration. The sweet spot is then to be stimulated enough to where the chemicals and hormones allow for my psychological submission but not stimulated enough to where I become horny.
Thus it becomes a game of tease & denial, keeping a sub aroused enough to feel submissive but never permitting enough stimulation to push them into their base mental state.
I do have to say that a Domme that is able to keep their sub off-balance and wanting in such a way truly has a fearsome skill.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
A Sea of Thoughts: The henchman
I'll be the first to admit that this post might be a bit odd. Just some thoughts swirling around.
Lifestyle D/s is often described with comparison to known relationships throughout history. The Queen and the Knight. The Goddess and the devotee. The Mistress and the slave, etc. Each of these seems to describe an idealized relationship that loosely describes the dynamics of the situation.
Something odd about these comparisons are that the Domme's role is rooted in an established status. The elevated status generally implies a level of responsibility and type of conduct that is befitting of the role. While this works in some ways, it can be an adjustment for woman that do not regularly view themselves in this way.
Over the years I've thought about something new... that is a bit different.
I'm not sure when exactly, but early on in my life, but in most fiction (TV/Cartoons, Comics/novels, etc.) I often found myself more fascinated by villains than by heroes. Although there are a handful of exceptions, in many cases it is the villains who are complicated and interesting... that have good in them but have life experiences that have shaped their view of the world... and are driven by their own ambitions in light of those experiences.
If I envision myself in such a world, I do not relate with hero... nor with villain. If anything, I see myself as a henchman. If you take the average villain, they often have a cadre of henchmen, but one of them usually stands above the rest... the "alpha" so to speak.
The alpha henchman is rather fascinating. They are usually trustworthy, very capable/resourceful, and have a fanatical devotion to the one they serve. Basically, in terms of their raw capacities, they are often on par with the hero/villain, but they are missing something important: self-ambition.
If you have been exposed to a good amount of media you have probably encountered at least one situation where someone in power made a statement like, "I don't care what you have to do, just make it happen!" The henchman looks up with a fearful glance and leaves the room and through their own creativity they manage to make it happen without the assistance of a master plan or unlimited resources.
The story of the henchman is rarely told so much of the relationship between villain and henchman must be inferred. I see the henchman as a flawed individual. They do not have a clear-cut vision. They view right and wrong as the will of the one they serve. They are loyal to a fault. They devote themselves totally to someone else's dream, often without recognition, appreciation, or praise. They are motivated partly by fear but also by love, loyalty, and the desire not to disappoint. They willingly sacrifice themselves to protect the one they serve. Another important aspect is that they serve by choice.
In most fiction the alpha henchman is leaned upon heavily. The villain takes them for granted but has the utmost faith in their abilities. You get the feeling that failure is punished severely. The villain does not see the henchman as an equal, even if the henchman's greatest wish is to be special to them. In regards to pecking order, the lesser pawns are sacrificed first, but the villain will throw the alpha henchman to the wolves without hesitation if it will be of benefit.
For some reason this seems to resonate with me more than the other common D/s comparisons. I think part of it is that core of the Domme's status is not determined by divine birth, royal lineage, or wealth. The Domme villain only requires a strong will and ambition. She may be a bit volatile. Her demands may be unreasonable. The rules may not be fair or just. Her desires drive her to be strong.
This might seem strange but I find myself able to relate to this. I am loyal and capable. I will move the Earth if that is what she desires. I bind myself to her dreams.
I know that this isn't the most romantic ideal, but for some reason it speaks to me.
Lifestyle D/s is often described with comparison to known relationships throughout history. The Queen and the Knight. The Goddess and the devotee. The Mistress and the slave, etc. Each of these seems to describe an idealized relationship that loosely describes the dynamics of the situation.
Something odd about these comparisons are that the Domme's role is rooted in an established status. The elevated status generally implies a level of responsibility and type of conduct that is befitting of the role. While this works in some ways, it can be an adjustment for woman that do not regularly view themselves in this way.
Over the years I've thought about something new... that is a bit different.
I'm not sure when exactly, but early on in my life, but in most fiction (TV/Cartoons, Comics/novels, etc.) I often found myself more fascinated by villains than by heroes. Although there are a handful of exceptions, in many cases it is the villains who are complicated and interesting... that have good in them but have life experiences that have shaped their view of the world... and are driven by their own ambitions in light of those experiences.
If I envision myself in such a world, I do not relate with hero... nor with villain. If anything, I see myself as a henchman. If you take the average villain, they often have a cadre of henchmen, but one of them usually stands above the rest... the "alpha" so to speak.
The alpha henchman is rather fascinating. They are usually trustworthy, very capable/resourceful, and have a fanatical devotion to the one they serve. Basically, in terms of their raw capacities, they are often on par with the hero/villain, but they are missing something important: self-ambition.
If you have been exposed to a good amount of media you have probably encountered at least one situation where someone in power made a statement like, "I don't care what you have to do, just make it happen!" The henchman looks up with a fearful glance and leaves the room and through their own creativity they manage to make it happen without the assistance of a master plan or unlimited resources.
The story of the henchman is rarely told so much of the relationship between villain and henchman must be inferred. I see the henchman as a flawed individual. They do not have a clear-cut vision. They view right and wrong as the will of the one they serve. They are loyal to a fault. They devote themselves totally to someone else's dream, often without recognition, appreciation, or praise. They are motivated partly by fear but also by love, loyalty, and the desire not to disappoint. They willingly sacrifice themselves to protect the one they serve. Another important aspect is that they serve by choice.
In most fiction the alpha henchman is leaned upon heavily. The villain takes them for granted but has the utmost faith in their abilities. You get the feeling that failure is punished severely. The villain does not see the henchman as an equal, even if the henchman's greatest wish is to be special to them. In regards to pecking order, the lesser pawns are sacrificed first, but the villain will throw the alpha henchman to the wolves without hesitation if it will be of benefit.
For some reason this seems to resonate with me more than the other common D/s comparisons. I think part of it is that core of the Domme's status is not determined by divine birth, royal lineage, or wealth. The Domme villain only requires a strong will and ambition. She may be a bit volatile. Her demands may be unreasonable. The rules may not be fair or just. Her desires drive her to be strong.
This might seem strange but I find myself able to relate to this. I am loyal and capable. I will move the Earth if that is what she desires. I bind myself to her dreams.
I know that this isn't the most romantic ideal, but for some reason it speaks to me.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Forgot to mention this...
I will be going back and replying to comments soon*.
*Hoping soon means actual soon and not sometime next spring soon after ignoring my blog all fall/winter.
*Hoping soon means actual soon and not sometime next spring soon after ignoring my blog all fall/winter.
Definition of a submissive
In my bottom vs. submissive post, Uxorious Mate asked about my definition of a submissive.
I don't plan to write anything long here... but I do wish it to be asterisk free, without the need for special cases, conditionals, additional terms, or things of that nature.
On its most basic level, I believe a submissive is someone that willingly accepts a recognized role of inferior status in a personal relationship. Inversely, I believe on its most basic level that a Dominant is someone that willingly accepts a recognized role of superior status in a personal relationship.
I hope this is enough to work from. I think this tends to cover most specialized relationship types as well as separates it from non-consensual abusive relationships as well.
I don't plan to write anything long here... but I do wish it to be asterisk free, without the need for special cases, conditionals, additional terms, or things of that nature.
On its most basic level, I believe a submissive is someone that willingly accepts a recognized role of inferior status in a personal relationship. Inversely, I believe on its most basic level that a Dominant is someone that willingly accepts a recognized role of superior status in a personal relationship.
I hope this is enough to work from. I think this tends to cover most specialized relationship types as well as separates it from non-consensual abusive relationships as well.
Standing on the edge
I have a lot that I want to say. There are a lot of things I want to feel. I want to write more. I want to continue my fiction.
Right now I am in a bad place. I can feel the demons gnawing away. I feel a little bit frustrated. I mostly feel numb. I lost my footing in the place that feels dear to my heart and I've watched myself slowly backslide into a bad place.
Some recent dialogue with someone has given me a bit of insight on where this process is breaking down. Writing my reflections posts earlier this year and a few of the follow up posts have allowed me to see just how this is happening.
The best I can really describe it is that at my core... I just do not feel like I have any worth.
I am good at things. I am smart. I have tremendous work ethic and focus. I am competent and responsible. I am loving and caring.
I can tell when depression is rearing its head because when I look back upon every positive thing I have done on a given day... it doesn't bring about any positive feelings. All that echoes in me is, "what's next?"
I can't help but see how this dates back to my childhood. The home runs... scoring goals... the 100%'s... A after A... what's next? I feel judgement being passed on whatever it is that I am doing. Once I am done there is no time to rest... no time to relax... no time to enjoy... no time to feel good. Move onto what's next. A constant state of being judged. While success may breed confidence, never experiencing the joys of the fruits of my labor... doesn't bring about self-esteem or self-worth.
When I look back at a completed task or a completed project any joy is squashed under the weight of the ever-changing present. "What I just did is so 5 minutes ago... that has nothing to do with right now."
The drive... push myself harder... keep pushing... never stop. It will never be enough. It will never feel right. This is just what I do. This is how I am. I do not know if it can be changed... and if so... I don't know how. I don't know how to mend what is broken.
There's that pivotal scene in the movie "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams 'fixes' Matt Damon by giving him a hug and telling him repeatedly that it wasn't his fault. I wish. I wish it was that easy. I wish that the magic words would change who I am at my core... purge me of my demons. Maybe I'm just jaded but that scene ends up feeling like fantasy on par with Game of Thrones.
I believe this is why I crave such a strict set of D/s dynamics. Judge me. Trap me in the moment. Keep me busy. Keep me doing. No reward... just focus on what I'm doing... knowing there is always what's next. Punish me for slipping. Expect too much of me... more than is humanly possible. Treat me like I'm not good enough (I will never believe that I am).
I can't help feeling a bit fucked up knowing that will make me feel normal... that is where I find peace. Being "all in" all the time... trying harder... needing to be perfect. Judge me. It is impossible to be harsher than the demons that reside in my soul.
Strip me of my sense of self. Take away my dignity. Crush my ego. Step on my pride. Deny me pleasure. Those are unnecessary; they merely cloud my judgement. Hit me when I've been bad... or whenever you feel like it. Please... keep me. I promise I'll be good. I promise I'll be perfect.
Nothing can hurt me beyond what already hurts. Please... keep me.
Right now I am in a bad place. I can feel the demons gnawing away. I feel a little bit frustrated. I mostly feel numb. I lost my footing in the place that feels dear to my heart and I've watched myself slowly backslide into a bad place.
Some recent dialogue with someone has given me a bit of insight on where this process is breaking down. Writing my reflections posts earlier this year and a few of the follow up posts have allowed me to see just how this is happening.
The best I can really describe it is that at my core... I just do not feel like I have any worth.
I am good at things. I am smart. I have tremendous work ethic and focus. I am competent and responsible. I am loving and caring.
I can tell when depression is rearing its head because when I look back upon every positive thing I have done on a given day... it doesn't bring about any positive feelings. All that echoes in me is, "what's next?"
I can't help but see how this dates back to my childhood. The home runs... scoring goals... the 100%'s... A after A... what's next? I feel judgement being passed on whatever it is that I am doing. Once I am done there is no time to rest... no time to relax... no time to enjoy... no time to feel good. Move onto what's next. A constant state of being judged. While success may breed confidence, never experiencing the joys of the fruits of my labor... doesn't bring about self-esteem or self-worth.
When I look back at a completed task or a completed project any joy is squashed under the weight of the ever-changing present. "What I just did is so 5 minutes ago... that has nothing to do with right now."
The drive... push myself harder... keep pushing... never stop. It will never be enough. It will never feel right. This is just what I do. This is how I am. I do not know if it can be changed... and if so... I don't know how. I don't know how to mend what is broken.
There's that pivotal scene in the movie "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams 'fixes' Matt Damon by giving him a hug and telling him repeatedly that it wasn't his fault. I wish. I wish it was that easy. I wish that the magic words would change who I am at my core... purge me of my demons. Maybe I'm just jaded but that scene ends up feeling like fantasy on par with Game of Thrones.
I believe this is why I crave such a strict set of D/s dynamics. Judge me. Trap me in the moment. Keep me busy. Keep me doing. No reward... just focus on what I'm doing... knowing there is always what's next. Punish me for slipping. Expect too much of me... more than is humanly possible. Treat me like I'm not good enough (I will never believe that I am).
I can't help feeling a bit fucked up knowing that will make me feel normal... that is where I find peace. Being "all in" all the time... trying harder... needing to be perfect. Judge me. It is impossible to be harsher than the demons that reside in my soul.
Strip me of my sense of self. Take away my dignity. Crush my ego. Step on my pride. Deny me pleasure. Those are unnecessary; they merely cloud my judgement. Hit me when I've been bad... or whenever you feel like it. Please... keep me. I promise I'll be good. I promise I'll be perfect.
Nothing can hurt me beyond what already hurts. Please... keep me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Bottom vs. Submissive
I apologize for the delay in replying to blog comments. I will try to get to those soon. I haven't been in a very good mental space but had someone ask a question to me as a possible blog topic and I will write about it.
The request was to get my thoughts on a bottom vs. a submissive.
In many ways the two are similar, especially when it comes to styles of play/sex but I believe the differences make the distinction rather crucial.
I believe that most males that associate themselves with being submissive are actually bottoms. There are a good number that are submissive, but this term often gets used loosely in regards to a "requested role during ______" vs. "lifestyle."
To start out with a basic definition, I consider the role of being a bottom is someone who likes to be in the submissive/passive/bottom role during sexual or kink-related activities. They are the receiver. The catcher to the top's pitcher. They react to the top's lead.
I always hate trying to describe a bottom in a sentence or two because there are always words/terms used that aren't adequate descriptors (e.g. I hate the use of the word "passive" in regards to being a bottom/submissive).
If you are reading here you probably have some idea of all this so I probably don't need to beat it into the ground.
To start the next part I should probably say that "All submissives are bottoms, not all bottoms are submissives."
In my opinion a handful of factors push a bottom into the realm of submission:
1. Control
2. Freedom
3. Pleasure
1. The first factor that changes the dynamics is relinquishing control. A non-submissive bottom may wish to have certain control over what is going on. A submissive understands they have given up this control and they can hope that they will enjoy what is going on.
2. The second factor is freedom. I believe that a non-submissive bottom sees their actions as free. While they may temporarily give up some of this freedom in the heat of the moment, they still see themselves as someone with full freedom. A submissive loses at least part of their freedom when they submit, the extent of which is determined by the Domme.
3. While ideally, kink-overlap will lead to mutual pleasure, there is a fundamentally different view here. A non-submissive bottom will expect the experience to be mutually pleasurable. A submissive gains satisfaction from submission, but whether an activity is pleasurable to them is up to the Domme. For a submissive there are cases where pleasure will be purposefully withheld, times when pleasure may be used as a reward, and times when the sub's pleasure is a byproduct of the activity and not the focal point. To state it more simply, I believe a non-submissive bottom's pleasure is more physical, while a submissive's pleasure is heavily rooted in the mental realm.
I guess I see these things as being the key differentiating characteristics.
Any thoughts?
The request was to get my thoughts on a bottom vs. a submissive.
In many ways the two are similar, especially when it comes to styles of play/sex but I believe the differences make the distinction rather crucial.
I believe that most males that associate themselves with being submissive are actually bottoms. There are a good number that are submissive, but this term often gets used loosely in regards to a "requested role during ______" vs. "lifestyle."
To start out with a basic definition, I consider the role of being a bottom is someone who likes to be in the submissive/passive/bottom role during sexual or kink-related activities. They are the receiver. The catcher to the top's pitcher. They react to the top's lead.
I always hate trying to describe a bottom in a sentence or two because there are always words/terms used that aren't adequate descriptors (e.g. I hate the use of the word "passive" in regards to being a bottom/submissive).
If you are reading here you probably have some idea of all this so I probably don't need to beat it into the ground.
To start the next part I should probably say that "All submissives are bottoms, not all bottoms are submissives."
In my opinion a handful of factors push a bottom into the realm of submission:
1. Control
2. Freedom
3. Pleasure
1. The first factor that changes the dynamics is relinquishing control. A non-submissive bottom may wish to have certain control over what is going on. A submissive understands they have given up this control and they can hope that they will enjoy what is going on.
2. The second factor is freedom. I believe that a non-submissive bottom sees their actions as free. While they may temporarily give up some of this freedom in the heat of the moment, they still see themselves as someone with full freedom. A submissive loses at least part of their freedom when they submit, the extent of which is determined by the Domme.
3. While ideally, kink-overlap will lead to mutual pleasure, there is a fundamentally different view here. A non-submissive bottom will expect the experience to be mutually pleasurable. A submissive gains satisfaction from submission, but whether an activity is pleasurable to them is up to the Domme. For a submissive there are cases where pleasure will be purposefully withheld, times when pleasure may be used as a reward, and times when the sub's pleasure is a byproduct of the activity and not the focal point. To state it more simply, I believe a non-submissive bottom's pleasure is more physical, while a submissive's pleasure is heavily rooted in the mental realm.
I guess I see these things as being the key differentiating characteristics.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Stuck
I hate this feeling... like I'm trapped between states. I'm blocked from subspace and having to turn to hobby obsession to fill the void... which makes the daily grind bearable but also keeps me distant from where I would like to be in my head.
I crave the feelings that fuel my writing. I crave to write since it means I have those feelings. The knot in my chest is starting to build.
Sorry for this pointless ramble.
I have the rest of Arc 7 and the start of Arc 8 in my head... I just can't seem to get into actually writing it.
I crave the feelings that fuel my writing. I crave to write since it means I have those feelings. The knot in my chest is starting to build.
Sorry for this pointless ramble.
I have the rest of Arc 7 and the start of Arc 8 in my head... I just can't seem to get into actually writing it.
A Sea of Thoughts: Self-consciousness
The thoughts swirl...
The idea of self-consciousness is fascinating to me. I think this is because self-consciousness can be both extremely positive and extremely negative things depending upon how you look at it.
From a positive standpoint, self-consciousness can often resemble thoughtfulness. If you are aware of your own behavior and how it affects others there are certain ways you might adapt your behavior to maintain harmony with others. This is often the "be on your best behavior" thing... or simply trying to avoid swearing around children and the like. You know how you would like to present yourself and what kind of an impact that might have. I tend to file these under self-awareness... but I believe it becomes self-consciousness as soon as we attempt to modify our behavior because of it. I don't think this is a bad thing and you probably find yourself obeying "better judgement" on a regular basis.
Unfortunately there seem to be more cases where self-consciousness can be viewed negatively than positively.
There are tons of ways that self-consciousness motivates people to deceive, behave selfishly, display arrogance, and the like. This tends to happen when we believe ourselves to matter more to others than we actually do. In some cases, it is rational to believe this, such as courting/dating, job interviews, and the like. We want to present a special and idealized form of ourselves... exaggerate the good, hide the bad. I think this is rational in many ways, but it's also often far from our "true selves."
In many cases where people are ruled by their self-consciousness it's because people decide that how others perceive them is more important than how they would choose to be in their absence. That is to say, the motivation is external.
In other cases, self-consciousness comes from a more internal cause. A lack of confidence... fear... a shaky sense of worth... these feelings can derail a person on the inside.
D/s often uses self-consciousness as a weapon and I believe that how it is wielded affects the outcome. A sub can reach a rather peaceful mental state where they simply thrive as they please their Domme. They know what is expected of them and they can perform with confidence, knowing full well that good service will most likely be met with a positive reaction. It seems fairly common for a Domme to willingly disturb this peace, pushing the sub into a state of emotional disarray. Making them feel self-conscious is an easy means of doing this, taking a sub who isn't thinking of themselves... and forcing a sense of self in an unpleasant way.
I believe humiliation is the end result of forcing self-consciousness about external factors. Exposing the sub to another, threatening to have them do something embarrassing in public, or looking at their set of kinks can lead the sub to fear the eyes of the outside world.
Looking internally, I feel that shame is what results from self-consciousness rooted from internal fears. If a sub feels unworthy or worried about the quality of their service this forces them to view themselves from the outside looking in as their own harsh critic. This can also happen each time the sub is ordered to do something they do not wish to do and they acknowledge their own helplessness.
As I finish this I'm feeling my own self-consciousness as I'm not sure if I should post it... but I know that writing is my best way of getting back to writing... so here goes.
The idea of self-consciousness is fascinating to me. I think this is because self-consciousness can be both extremely positive and extremely negative things depending upon how you look at it.
From a positive standpoint, self-consciousness can often resemble thoughtfulness. If you are aware of your own behavior and how it affects others there are certain ways you might adapt your behavior to maintain harmony with others. This is often the "be on your best behavior" thing... or simply trying to avoid swearing around children and the like. You know how you would like to present yourself and what kind of an impact that might have. I tend to file these under self-awareness... but I believe it becomes self-consciousness as soon as we attempt to modify our behavior because of it. I don't think this is a bad thing and you probably find yourself obeying "better judgement" on a regular basis.
Unfortunately there seem to be more cases where self-consciousness can be viewed negatively than positively.
There are tons of ways that self-consciousness motivates people to deceive, behave selfishly, display arrogance, and the like. This tends to happen when we believe ourselves to matter more to others than we actually do. In some cases, it is rational to believe this, such as courting/dating, job interviews, and the like. We want to present a special and idealized form of ourselves... exaggerate the good, hide the bad. I think this is rational in many ways, but it's also often far from our "true selves."
In many cases where people are ruled by their self-consciousness it's because people decide that how others perceive them is more important than how they would choose to be in their absence. That is to say, the motivation is external.
In other cases, self-consciousness comes from a more internal cause. A lack of confidence... fear... a shaky sense of worth... these feelings can derail a person on the inside.
D/s often uses self-consciousness as a weapon and I believe that how it is wielded affects the outcome. A sub can reach a rather peaceful mental state where they simply thrive as they please their Domme. They know what is expected of them and they can perform with confidence, knowing full well that good service will most likely be met with a positive reaction. It seems fairly common for a Domme to willingly disturb this peace, pushing the sub into a state of emotional disarray. Making them feel self-conscious is an easy means of doing this, taking a sub who isn't thinking of themselves... and forcing a sense of self in an unpleasant way.
I believe humiliation is the end result of forcing self-consciousness about external factors. Exposing the sub to another, threatening to have them do something embarrassing in public, or looking at their set of kinks can lead the sub to fear the eyes of the outside world.
Looking internally, I feel that shame is what results from self-consciousness rooted from internal fears. If a sub feels unworthy or worried about the quality of their service this forces them to view themselves from the outside looking in as their own harsh critic. This can also happen each time the sub is ordered to do something they do not wish to do and they acknowledge their own helplessness.
As I finish this I'm feeling my own self-consciousness as I'm not sure if I should post it... but I know that writing is my best way of getting back to writing... so here goes.
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