She was quite a bit different than other women I had known, including my ex. Unlike my ex, this woman's dominance ran deep and completely to her core. She didn't just enjoy the kinky aspects of the lifestyle, she thrived on Femdom and making men suffer in pretty much every way imaginable. At the same time, she was a very caring and loving person. While I probably should have approached with caution, I threw caution to the wind and dove in head first.
During our courting period she asked me many questions about my previous experiences and wanted to know all of my deepest, darkest secrets and desires. When I told her about the punishments I had been receiving late in my previous relationship she could sense the great shame and humiliation it brought me while recounting those experiences and that drove her completely wild. She also happened to love fur and it turned her on.
I must have made a good impression because within a couple of weeks we began seeing each other regularly. Our times were split between going out shopping together or staying in for body worship and play. Although she had been part of the BDSM scene for a long time, forced feminization was new territory for her but she thrived upon it and took great pleasure in shopping with me.
She also had very few inhibitions about making things obvious in public. I still have rather vivid memories of an outing to a department store where we found this exact hat during the Christmas season. She put it on my head and made me model it for her with around a dozen women present within 20 feet of us. She told the sales clerk that she didn't trust mirrors so it was better to have me wear it for her.
I can't remember another time where I was blushing so profusely and I was barely able to speak the rest of the day.
During our private times she was a firm believer in exerting control over my sexual activities. Masturbation was only permitted with her present and I wasn't allowed to ejaculate during sex. Continuing on with the later trends of my ex, I was only allowed orgasm while dressed in women's clothing but she took things a step further, adding sweaters, skirts, and stockings in addition to items similar to what my ex had used. My masturbation outfit became a pink angora turtleneck sweater, a pair of pink satin panties, pink fishnet stockings, a fuschia micro skirt (that was so short it wouldn't cover my butt or genitals), a pink wool hat with a sparkly sequined snow flake on it and a large dangling pom pom from the top, a pair of huge pink fox fur earmuffs, a pink fur scarf, and a pair of pink wool mittens with fur cuffs.
She too would order me to masturbate while looking in a mirror while she watched over my shoulder and would tease my nipples and emasculate me verbally until I was nearly in tears. This would continue for 45+ minutes until I was granted permission to cum.
What she was accounting for and I had failed to account for was that after 2 years of only being allowed to cum in this fashion, her goal was to condition my sexual response. This became increasingly apparent when she introduced chastity devices into the mix after the first year and stopped having sex with me. At first she would wait to remove the device until after I was dressed but after several months she started removing the device before I was dressed. The first time she did this she noticed that I wasn't instantly hard upon the device's removal but once I started getting dressed I had a raging erection. When I was completely dressed she ordered me to masturbate and then hissed in my ear that she had "ruined" me and that now I wouldn't be able to get hard unless I was dressed as a sissy. I began to cry but she insisted I shouldn't worry because we would be together forever.
By this time we had made plans to live together and she began laying down ground rules for this to happen (chastity, dressed fully in women's clothing when home, etc.). Soon after a few major events happened in each of our lives and we ended up parting ways when she relocated.
It donned on me then that things would be much more difficult for me from there on out. Normal sex doesn't do it for me. Normal porn doesn't do it for me. I would only be able to get hard while dressed as a sissy and being humiliated or fantasizing about that.
4+ years later I feel I have finally come to terms with who I am now. I am a sissy... and probably always will be.
Hello, I really like your blog - seems down to earth, honest, and perceptive. It's rare to find something so authentic in the sea of masturbatory fantasies online. Anyway, you said you rarely get feedback from subs, so here is one!
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions. First, do you have major regrets? If you could turn back time but keep your current knowledge, would you do it all again? Or would you try to avoid it?
The reason I ask is that I have some fantasies which you have lived out in real life, although I think I am far less into them than you are. For example, I don't think that much about a domme making me crossdress and humiliating me with it, maybe once or twice a week. I tried it once at a very mild level (just wearing panties for one day), I got aroused but I also felt bad about it, and since then I have not done it again in the last 2 years (but fantasise about it a couple of times a week maybe.
So, I am wondering whether you would recommend to stay away from it or not? I am not effeminate at all, even my domme girlfriend (who has crossdressed guys before) admits she 'can't imagine you in panties'. The reason its a turn on is that it is scary and humiliating, so I get the rush of fear which is usually arousing to most subs. After orgasm, I always feel conflicted about it, and I am 100% sure I would never be able to accept it in a normal state of mind.
However, if I do visualize her 'forcing' me to be dressed as a sissy permanently in the house, and making me sometimes go outside in public dressed up, showing me to some friends of hers etc, it is a big turn-on despite myself. I hate the idea but also get excited by it. I know if it happened for real, I would be nervous as hell but also very aroused (we did one time where she invited a girlfriend and then told a few things about me submitting, I was shaking in embarrassment but hard, and she teased me about this too while her gf laughed. However, I also felt bad about this later and asked not to do again, which my domme accepted.
Given that I enjoy other fetishes she likes, where I feel zero conflict or regrets, would it be best for me to avoid the genuinely humiliating ones I will feel bad over? I.e. cross-dressing, public exposure, teased in front of her girlfriends etc?
What worries me is what you said about becoming conditioned to being aroused by crossdressing and not normal sex. I can imagine if I did this, then it would become like an addiction and I'd be stuck either choosing not to get aroused (pretty impossible) or accepting intense/full-time/public sissification to get satisfied. I'm also worried she might enjoy it more and more, and push me further, so it would end up kind of a nightmare.
Any advice? So far I've not told her about my crossdressing and sissy fantasies. They are not obsessive (so far) so I think it could be possible to replace them by doing other kinky things just as intense, but which my normal/rational male brain can accept as not unmasculine (e.g. getting tied up, whipped, body worship, pain etc).
I realise this is a long post, but you have unusual insight and experience, and I don't feel I could get a straight answer elsewhere. Would be really appreciated if you do reply! Thanks
Hello, I really like your blog - seems down to earth, honest, and perceptive. It's rare to find something so authentic in the sea of masturbatory fantasies online. Anyway, you said you rarely get replies from subs, so here is one!
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions. First, do you have major regrets? If you could turn back time but keep your current knowledge, would you do it all again? Or would you try to avoid it, in favour of fetishes you were not so conflicted about?
The reason I ask is that I have some fantasies which you have lived out in real life e.g. 'forced' sissification and humiliation by a domme. I tried it once at a very mild level (just wearing panties for one day), I got aroused but I also felt bad about it, and since then I have not done it again in the last 2 years (but fantasise about it a couple of times a week maybe.)
So, I am wondering whether you would recommend to stay away from it or not? I am not effeminate at all, even my domme girlfriend (who has crossdressed guys before) admits she 'can't imagine you in panties'. The reason its a turn on is that it is scary and humiliating, so I get the rush of fear which is usually arousing to most subs. After orgasm, I always feel conflicted about it, and I am 100% sure I would never be able to accept it 100%, it would always bother me if I started doing it.
However, if I do visualize her 'forcing' me to be dressed as a sissy permanently in the house, and making me sometimes go outside in public dressed up, showing me to some friends of hers etc, it is a big turn-on despite myself. I hate the idea but also get excited by it. I know if it happened for real, I would be nervous as hell but also very aroused - we did one time where she invited a girlfriend and then told a few things about me submitting, I was shaking in embarrassment but hard, and she teased me about this too while her gf laughed. However, I also felt bad about this later and asked not to do again, which my domme accepted.
Given that I enjoy other fetishes she likes, where I feel zero conflict or regrets, would it be best for me to avoid the genuinely humiliating ones I will feel bad over? I.e. cross-dressing, public exposure, teased in front of her girlfriends etc?
What worries me is what you said about becoming conditioned to being aroused by crossdressing and not normal sex. I can imagine if I did this, then it would become like an addiction and I'd be stuck either choosing not to get aroused (pretty impossible) or accepting intense/full-time/public sissification to get satisfied. I'm also worried she might enjoy it more and more, and push me further, so it would end up kind of a nightmare.
Any advice? So far I've not told her about my crossdressing and sissy fantasies. They are not obsessive (yet) so I think it could be possible to replace them by doing other kinky things just as intense, but which my normal/rational male brain can accept as not unmasculine (e.g. getting tied up, whipped, body worship, pain etc).
I realise this is a long post, but you have unusual insight and experience, and I don't feel I could get a straight answer elsewhere. Would be really appreciated if you do reply! Thanks
Thank you for writing.
ReplyDeleteQuote: "First, do you have major regrets? If you could turn back time but keep your current knowledge, would you do it all again? Or would you try to avoid it, in favour of fetishes you were not so conflicted about?"
Well... yes and no, but to varying degrees? Being submissive in general gives enough of a "OMG I'm fucked up" sense of sexual deviance. If I had to do things over again, I think the only thing I'd try to do differently is to feel like I have more power in choosing my Domme rather than feeling like she should choose me. As for the rest of it... I really crave very deep subspace so I would probably keep most of it the same, if not push limits even harder (read as: not have as many hard limits from the get go).
If it doesn't feel crushing to the ego, it doesn't quite "get me as deep" as I've come to crave.
Quote: "Given that I enjoy other fetishes she likes, where I feel zero conflict or regrets, would it be best for me to avoid the genuinely humiliating ones I will feel bad over? I.e. cross-dressing, public exposure, teased in front of her girlfriends etc?"
The ones that you are referring to have "life-wrecking" potential and should be viewed as "high risk" situations. If you reach a true point where those feel comfortable, you could probably handle them. If you never reach that point, you are probably best avoiding them.
Quote: "What worries me is what you said about becoming conditioned to being aroused by crossdressing and not normal sex. I can imagine if I did this, then it would become like an addiction and I'd be stuck either choosing not to get aroused (pretty impossible) or accepting intense/full-time/public sissification to get satisfied. I'm also worried she might enjoy it more and more, and push me further, so it would end up kind of a nightmare.
Any advice?"
As long as you achieve orgasm under a variety of conditions (and not just one scenario) it is very unlikely that it will become the only way you want sex. Mix it up to avoid fetish development.