Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:
  1. Post-orgasm crashes.
  2. Fetish development.
After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.


  1. The "end game" can just as easily be called the "dead end game", as it is to be avoided at all costs. Reaching such a point invariably leads to complacency, and that leads to boredom, and that leads - far too often - to the end of the very game itself. Avoiding that situation is up to the Dom, and that responsibility is often the dagger in the heart of the relationship, as it involves commitment, leadership and imagination, among other things, on a level that many Doms can't achieve or sustain. It's far easier to be led than to lead, and in that respect the sub has it much, much easier creativity-wise.

    If one suspects that the end game is approaching, you're correct when you say: "This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve". At least, one would hope so.

    As for "post orgasmic crashes", they become much less of a problem if the male sub is not allowed to have orgasms on a regular basis. Thus, the modern evolution of male chastity devices has provided a new ability for the Dom to control if and when the crash is allowed. A delightful addition to the dynamic, and an essential one if the male tends to behave improperly after an orgasm. It's very nice to have such a tool available, I can assure you, and isn't it strange that so many male subs willingly give their orgasms over to their Doms. Strange AND endearing. Perhaps a measure of the desperation of a male sub to be dominated? How nice for we Femdoms!

    Very thoughtful post, fur.

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      The way things evolve is pretty terrifying. I do think there are some versions of the "end game" that involve a fundamental change in the dynamics/roles and less of a plateau, but I do agree that it is dangerous when change/evolution stops.

      Chastity does solve that for F/m relationships in a lot of ways. I included it in this as the individual that asked the question I was responding to is a sub in an M/f relationship.

      Take care.