Symbolism vs. Fetish

Originally Written 10/12/17

Quite honestly over the past couple of weeks I think I have had more fun blogging than I have had in years.  I consider the verb, blogging to encompass writing blog posts, reading blog posts, leaving comments on other blogs, and responding to comments.  It has been at least 5 years since I have felt this active and there have been some great conversations going as of late.  I have actually had two conversations as of late that cover this topic.  I have written about this a lot in the past, but this is my first time talking about it on WordPress.

When you look at the variety of kinks and fetishes out there as well as people’s different levels of acceptance and coping with said kinks and fetishes, you’ll find a wide variety in the ways that people present what gets them going and how others perceive it.  This gets especially complicated when you look at the differences between gender, role, and even the verbiage of how people communicate their interests and desires.

The focus of this post is basically to compare the distinction between someone getting aroused by a specific act or object (fetish) vs. getting aroused by the meaning behind the act or object (symbolism).

I get turned on by a lot of things that scare the crap out of me.  Things that I don’t want to admit that I want.  Things that make my head spin in fantasy but I know the reality would be rather unpleasant.  I also know that it is often difficult to convey the complete idea of this to other people.  Word it wrong and I end up dancing that line between “interesting dynamic” and “pathetic wanker.”

Part of the problem is that as a whole, there are a good number of people that aren’t able to adequately articulate the nuances of their desires.  They can’t always sift through the push/pull going on inside that draws them to an act yet makes them feel ashamed, guilty, or gross.  Understanding contexts and motives go a long way to connecting with someone else.  Provide no context nor motive and you are at the mercy of how they choose to read into things (or fail to read into them).

A big part of what separates a fetish from symbolic arousal is that a fetish often doesn’t need a context.  e.g. a spanking fetishist can get aroused from seeing a spanking.  Someone who is drawn to the power and authority that the spanker wields over the spankee, is aroused by that symbolism.  I believe it is common for people to be one or the other and be unable to differentiate between the two.  An easy way to differentiate on this topic is if the person cares for the reason behind the spanking (e.g. maintenance, punishment, scolding, etc.).

One of the most basic examples of a symbolic gesture in D/s is the rule for addressing a dominant with a title.  Mistress, Miss, Goddess, ma’am, your highness/majesty, Sir, Daddy, Master, and so on come to mind.  It is unlikely to find someone who has fetishized this, but it is quite likely to find someone who is drawn to what the title symbolizes and its meaning.

An important note about symbolic arousal is that it tends to be constantly evolving.  Each time a new dynamic or activity is added, there is a rush and a set of feelings that erupt from it.  Over time this becomes normal.  As people continue to chase the rush and excitement, they must push farther in order to obtain a similar “new” response.

The intensity of relationships varies so greatly that it is common to find people who practice a milder form of D/s or are newer to the lifestyle encounter a much more intense relationship and be surprised, shocked, or put off by the dynamics and activities that they engage in.  Sometimes this is the fault of the author for failing to convey the context and meaning behind acts.  Sometimes this is the fault of the reader for not being able to envision the path it took to get there.  Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the first time is exciting.  Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the 1,000th time, not so much.  Ropes and velcro straps become leather straps.  Leather straps become locking straps.  Locking straps become steel shackles and chains.  At some point, hoods, gags, and body harnesses might show up.  Sensory deprivation may work its way in.  Each additional level of security and restraint increases the symbol of helplessness, the willingness of the sub to endure it, and the desire of the dominant to wield increasing amounts of control.

There are many types of scenarios that are frequently “end game” states.  They take years to build enough trust and desire for increased dynamics to become what they are.  Cuckolding and M/s are lifestyles that come to mind.  Acts like permanent chastity and branding sometimes accompany them.  These are almost some form of heavily progressed symbolic arousal that in most cases, passed through at least a dozen plateaus while working their way up.

Returning to the idea of fetishes, you may find a great difference in the allure of a dynamic, act, or object based upon the gender of the author.  This isn’t meant to stereotype genders (too much), but the vast majority of fetishists are male.  A rough estimate might be in the range of ~95% male.  Males are much more susceptible to fetish development for a number of reasons.  The core of it is almost always masturbation habits.  Males are far more likely to repeat the same type of fantasy over and over.  The nature of male sexual behavior plays into it as well.  A man experiences a total crash upon ejaculation (mental, emotional, physical), so the fantasize, shoot their load, and it’s done.  Women can carry their arousal across multiple orgasms, often allowing for more in-depth exploration of their fantasy’s contexts, environments, and the like.   In some cases, the intensity and desire grows stronger with each orgasm.  Basically, a woman is more likely to picture who, why, where when, and how when she fantasizes.

This phenomenon often makes many men prone to… well, behave repulsively.  They get obsessed with their fetish, try to force it or project it whenever they can, and it becomes completely obsessive and overwhelming.  It is easy for them to diminish the value of the partner involved and women tend to find this very unattractive.  When their erection fades, they often will battle with shame and guilt and this makes it less likely for them to think about it and analyze their own needs and emotions.  Without a firm understanding, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it effectively.  The end result is that when people do talk about their fetishes, it is often portrayed in a selfish and unappealing way to anyone who does not share an almost identical fetish.

Even when women do have fetishes, I find they are often much more able to verbalize what aspects they find appealing and how it “talks” to them.  The ability to convey enough about what they enjoy frequently makes a woman with fetishes seem sexually free and adventurous.  This is a stark contrast to the vision of a single male typing with one hand in a dark room.  This also leads me to believe that most women with fetishes tend to require environmental or symbolic links.

I hope that I’m making some sense here in being able to distinguish situations that may not be obvious on the surface when encountering someone with a different set of interests.  If not, my bad.  I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts today.

I will leave this with an example that I think illustrates the difference.  Trampling is a common F/m kink that often puzzles people.  If a woman tramples a man, a fetishist might think, “mmm… feet.”  A Domme drawn to symbolism might think, “So powerful.”  A sub drawn to symbolism might think, “She’s displaying her power.”

I’ve put a lot of thought into this subject because it took me a very long time to realize where these dividing lines fell into me.  For a while I thought I had a boatload of fetishes, but upon interacting with fetishists, I realized I was responding in a different way.  That key was realizing that the meaning behind an act was more important to me than the act itself.  This also meant I would likely be drawn in by almost anything that shared a similar meaning… and for the most part, that has proven itself to be true.