Thoughts on Idealism vs. Reality

Originally Written: 10/17/17

 

It took me years to craft a set of submissive ideals that represented the type of sub that I wanted to be and was capable of providing the lifestyle that I could both promise and deliver upon.  It took me another couple of years to condition and adapt myself mentally to not only be content with, but to personally desire those ideals. 

 

I want to be able to look my Domme in the eye and tell her, “I want to exist to make you happy.  I want to do everything in my power to make you feel loved, cherished, and revered at all times.  I want everything I do to contribute to your happiness, pleasure, and enjoyment of life.”

Life is not always so gracious.  So many external factors can get involved.  Work, weather, traffic, and health seem to be factors we battle every day no matter what.  The best intentions can become lost within the chaos.  The best laid plans can be derailed by circumstance.  Even when you know exactly who you want to be, there are some days where you just fail to live up to your own standards.
This is why I am a firm believer in the idea of punishment dynamics.  Does she deserve to suffer because I am having a bad day?  No way.  Is it okay for a bit of stress to let me break my promises?  No way.  Reasons are just excuses that we forgive.  She doesn’t deserve excuses, she deserves my best just like I promised.

Without punishment, I will inevitably feel terrible for these lapses.  I will feel guilt and shame for my failures.  I always want to be my best self and it is my inability to deal with things that cause me to show something other than my best self.  I feel this is worthy of punishment.  I feel like I will not feel better unless I am punished.  Penance earns forgiveness, both from her and from myself.  This is how I have learned release the guilt.

Punishment serves another purpose:  fear.  It’s not healthy to live in terror, but a slight twitch of fear in the back of your mind can provide just enough motivation to let your desire to be your best self defeat stress and other external factors.  I find this bit of fear goes a long way towards keeping me feeling good.

The process of actualizing ideals creates a sense of identity.  This identity becomes a source of pride, self-esteem, and integrity.  When I fail myself (and in turn, fail her), I lose these things and I must earn them back.  I have to earn back my own self-respect. This isn’t a feel-good process.  It is never fun to assess yourself with brutal honesty.  I find it is far better to be kept from failing.  In this way, I embrace control dynamics.  I embrace rules.  I embrace her check mechanisms for me that keep me true to my identity.  Keeping me constantly focused and attentive, they protect me from the pain of failure.  Those control dynamics end up being good for both of us.

There are many that find the life I desire to be too strict and too suffocating.  Having experienced it I can say that I find it perfect.  I feel good because I make her happy.  She feels good because of my love, dedication, and effort at pleasing her.  I do not mind its strictness because to me, it shows me how much she cares as she protects me from the worst parts of myself.  I don’t think that reality has to differ that much from idealism, it just requires a few extra bits of attention to keep it that way.