Sissy for sale

So... I thought this one would have been finished and posted a few days ago but I just wasn't content with how it turned out.  After several iterations (including alternate characters) I'm still not really content with how it turned out but here goes.

"Virtual Mistresses," Fetish Fiction, and the need for outcomes beyond our control

The waters have been rough in my relationship lately and I've been feeling single even though I'm not.  In doing some reflection it reminded me to points in my life where I was single and between D/s relationships.

When single, lonely, horny, and needing a more interactive fantasy I dig up a few sites dealing with the idea of a "virtual" Mistress.  These and the ideas of them always seemed to do more for my submissive side than porn and most stories, etc.

An example would be something like My Key Safe , which is a programmable chastity key safe that can be linked up to the internet and controlled by a virtual Domme, called "Strict Mistress."  You choose your experience level and are supposed to lock on a chastity device and lock the key in the safe.  The terms of the chastity period are determined by the experience level you selected.  During the period you can ask for permission to be unlocked with one of three desperation levels (I'm not sure how these affect the likeliness of it actually being unlocked).  The frequency with which you ask also affects the likeliness of being unlocked (asking too often makes an unlock more difficult to obtain, asking very infrequently makes it easier to unlock).

The system uses a random number generator and stores the "odds" of succeeding based upon what you have done over the desired period.  

If you selected "experienced" in your experience level (level 3 out of 5 levels), your maximum lock up duration is 30 days.  You can ask for permission for release once a day without being automatically penalized (although it might have been once every 3 days).  Waiting more than 7 days between asking permission improves your odds.  Depending upon her "mood," you will get one of the following outcomes: 
A) Unlocking the safe.
B) Unwilling to unlock but your odds will be better the next time you ask.
C) Unwilling to unlock but your odds will be worse the next time you ask.
D) Unwilling to unlock but your odds will be much worse the next time you ask.

Asking too frequently ensures the outcome will be either C or D.  To build the fantasy aspect of it there's a picture of a Domme dressed in leather giving a facial expression symbolic of her mood and response.
You are guaranteed release after 30 days have passed no matter what.  Upon release you are supposed to jerk off once, lock yourself back up, and restart the period (although you are allowed to change durations at this time). 

This is by far the most elaborate virtual Mistress I've come across.  There is a now defunct Forced Feminization site on geocities that used to have a "what to wear" program where the user would run a program and randomly generate a list of items that would include both male and female items (you could alter the probability to skew towards one side or the other).  I've come across other sites that have had "pick a card" type of options that would "randomly" give you a humiliation assignment (random as long as you didn't pick the same card twice). 

One other site (that I can't seem to find) that comes to mind was a virtual discipline site that had a couple of fictitious Dommes named Mistress Pinar and Mistress Auria (one was nicer than the other).  You would select your infraction from a list as well as how frequently this infraction had occurred and it would generate a punishment (also mood based) for said infraction.  e.g. for repeated masturbation you might "receive" 50 swats with a paddle on the bare ass and have to sleep with your hands tied behind your back for 30 days.  It would also add a nice little kicker of "maybe rubbing a sore buttocks will keep the sub's hands out of trouble."  If anyone could find this site and provide a link it would be much appreciated.

Another past time of the lonely fantasizer is reading fetish fiction.  I'm sure almost everyone is familiar with this so I don't really have much to say on this topic except its weaknesses are that you are at the mercy of someone else's personal fetishes and they rarely have re-read value (once you've shot your load it's done and gone) and these can often open doors to new arousing experiences you had never imagined.  e.g. Reading Giles English's novel, The Chastity Belt was able to deliver this fantasy to me in such a manner that I became interested in chastity.

What fetish fiction and virtual domination have in common is what interests me.  They remove control of the fantasy and the outcome is uncertain.  This is a very strong draw to some and I think it explains a lot of why men (at least fantasize about) crave a cruel woman: the fear of something very unpleasant is equally, if not more arousing than something you really enjoy.

The more unfair it is, the more real the fear of a bad outcome, the more arousing it seems to be. 

I think I spent more time masturbating to virtual domination and interesting fetish fiction than I ever did to visual images/videos.  When I could modify the odds in the random games, I found it far more arousing to fantasize when stacking the odds against me.  Fantasizing about a perfect and ideal situation where everything happens exactly as you want it to gets boring rather quickly.  Not knowing what will happen and expecting the worst never really loses its excitement. 

I'm not sure if it's only males that feel this way (or if I'm a total odd ball), but I find the fact that I feel this way to be rather fascinating. 

I think that's also how some of my other fetishes became so ingrained.  At first I just wanted to be with a fur-clad Goddess who would tie me up and rub fur on my nipples and cock.  That did happen, but once she ordered me to wear fur (when I refused I got my ass beaten and still ended up wearing it) and it was something I didn't want to do it seemed to open up a whole new level of subspace. 

Another unfinished...

This woman was supposed to be part of a scene where she was sitting on a sub's back with him on all fours.  Unfortunately I just couldn't get it to look right so I scrapped it.  This one was from ~8 months ago and I can see areas where I have changed my approach to drawing.

The dancer that missed the cut...

I almost drew another 3-4 characters to put in the dance club drawing.  I only finished one other but decided she didn't really fit well.

Here she is though.

Another one completed that I had started months ago

I had tried to do this one months ago... but I couldn't get it to turn out right.  Luckily I've improved since then and this time it was rather effortless to finish it up and I'm fairly happy with how it turned out.

Sissy from the dance club drawing

I still get relatively little feedback overall so I'm not quite sure what things float people's boat more than others aside from the good/bad/weird votes that drawings get.

On the Cheerleader and Dance Club drawings I can post single pictures of any of the characters if people are interested in having those individually.

Digging up old unfinished drawings

I was doing some digging through my files and I realized that during my several month break from drawing/blogging that I had a ton of unfinished things I was working on. 

These were some drawings of items I was working on for the fake catalogs.

They still work as a contrast of sissy vs. sexy.  I will try to finish up some of the works I left undone.

Modular boot trim

Last year I made a post on Defunct sissy Apparel - Boot Loot: modular boot accessories.

It seems there's a company out there doing something similar both with boot cuffs and collars for coats.

They can be found at:  http://www.iconcouture.net

Nothing with real fur as of now but at least someone is still working with this idea.

Newest drawing

Well...

I had an idea for a drawing and drew the sissy first and the woman second.  As it turns out, the woman turned out quite well and the sissy was rather weak in comparison.  The basic idea was that the sissy did something to get in trouble and got caned and stuck in the corner while the Domme masturbated instead of having him lick her. 

I decided to post both the entire scene and then just the woman.  On a side note, this was my first attempt at drawing female genitalia. 

Latest requested drawing

I received a request for this one via email after a chat on messenger.  I hope you all enjoy it. 

The Venus Ball Trap

Last year I wrote about The Venus Ball Trap as a dream bondage device.  I tried to do a picture of it in action... and the Domme turned out great.  The sub... not so much.  I guess this shows how dependent upon having a model in the right pose is for me... the arms and upper body just didn't turn out right.

File this under "it's the thought that counts."

So...

I've been doing some posting again finally (of things other than drawings).

I know there's a lot of other bloggers out there where I used to read and leave comments and it's been months since I really kept up and engaged in discussions.  I will try and start doing that again but I'm not sure when just yet.  I just haven't felt up to it still but hopefully soon.

Large group drawing

Well, this is the multi-character one I had mentioned in an earlier post.

I did ones both with and without captions.

Frustration/Desperation drawing

I meant to post this one last night but didn't get around to doing the finishing touches on it.

Dominating the loser vs. Conquering the winner

It's well-documented that one of the great male flaws (possibly due to biological programming) is a common male-tendency to "the chase" part of the relationship and then the hunter loses interest and falls into lazy bad habits after winning over the woman he sought.

While I understand that during the courting process everyone wants to show up with their "A game" and wow the other with a glimpse of their dream guy/girl, it got me thinking about a few different scenarios and I'm sort of curious as how the dominant mind works in this regards.  I have this nagging feeling that Dommes are a bit more rational when it comes to courting and living with their desired mate.

A couple of scenarios that often pop up in Femdom fiction and fantasy (and that somewhat mirror the possibilities vanilla men have when dating) are:
1.  Dominating the submissive loser.
2.  Breaking the "winner" and making him submit.

For the intents and purposes of this discussion I will look at these situations under the assumptions that the woman intends to dominate her partner without being forthcoming about it and the male entered into this situation under vanilla pretenses with no BDSM undertones.

The first situation is a bit easier to analyze.  "Alpha" female finds shy, semi-reclusive male with limited personality and a weak backbone and quickly wins him over, only to gradually escalate her power over him until he's a blubbering coward, emasculated at every turn and unable to stand up to her.  She stays in this because it is easy, she can be is as selfish as she wants to be, and she knows he will remain faithful no matter what. 

The second situation is a very common theme for aggressive "chaser" men that see women as a conquest, the harder she is to get, the more he wants her.  How would this relate to this premise?  Strong, intelligent woman finds a confident and self-assured male that she wants to take down a peg.  She's possibly attracted to him physically but finds his personality in strong need of modification.  She seduces him, traps him, and through some means (probably blackmail) he finds himself unable to leave and at her mercy.  He is her trophy. 

While both of these situations might be good masturbation fodder and easy foundations to build a story upon, they just don't sit quite right with me.  With the Dommes I've known over the years, here's my thoughts on them.

The loser male doesn't hold a lot of appeal.  If he doesn't offer anything meaningful to the relationship and isn't truly submissive out of love, she probably won't want to be with him for a long period of time. A man that lacks personality, generally isn't very interesting.  He's not really worth "knocking him down a peg" because he really doesn't have anywhere lower he can go.  There's no emotional charge in subduing him nor is he someone to be proud of subduing.  I just don't see this as the most realistic outcome. 

If he is intelligent and kind, thoughtful and courteous, loving, and submissive, is he really a loser?  I don't think most Dommes would consider him to be one at that point, and thus he breaks the stereotype set out by the first scenario.

On a side note, I'm sure there are Dommes out there that have taken this approach and have been completely happy with it.  I'm not bad-mouthing the idea of it, I'm mainly just criticizing the male fantasy ideal of that situation.  Out of the two scenarios, I do think this is the more realistic one since men of this nature are generally willing to change themselves and most Dommes who want quality service would rather dominate someone who is naturally submissive rather than naturally dominant.

The winner male situation may hold some allure, but it's probably an awful lot of work to pull it off.  If she's able to find him so despicable as a human being that this is her motivation for doing so, I doubt she would choose him as a life partner.  That isn't to say that a long-time Domme wouldn't love the chance to do this, but I have the feeling that a male sub of this nature would probably be difficult to train.

So what is more realistic? 

I think the sub that would attract the most Dommes probably falls somewhere in between but leaning more towards the loser (without actually being a loser).  A man who will let her lead from the get go, but is also able to enrich her life and provide interesting interactions outside of the dungeon or bedroom.  He doesn't have to be hunted/chased, but he also doesn't bend over for anyone/everyone.  Basically, he's a well-rounded human being with a submissive nature. 

I could be way off base on this, but I'm curious overall what people think of this. 

Exploring Fantasy: The Girly Girl Domme, the Power Domme, and The Lipstick Lesbian

A current drawing I am working on got me thinking a little bit about things lately, especially in terms of what things have turned me on while working on them.

The Cheerleader drawing brought forth something I haven't done much of in drawings, that being the "Girly Girl" in a dominant role.  I don't have anything against this fantasy, but I guess it's something that just doesn't come to mind automatically for me.  I will admit, the idea does give me a hard-on.  From my experiences this fantasy is very common for sissies.  Dreaming about the "popular girl with her friends" type of dominant: she's a bit spoiled, a bit selfish, cute, bubbly, playful and probably with a nasty wicked streak.  I can understand the allure here as those characteristics often lead to mild dominance even in vanilla settings.  I do think these types of fantasies tend to revolve more around humiliation (and possibly blackmail) fantasies and less about pure D/s types of fantasies.  e.g. the sorority girl tricks the loser guy into being her slave, forcing him to wear panties and give her oral sex.  While this does arouse me, I think I'm a little too seasoned within the lifestyle to really see this as something realistic.


In contrast, I think I tend to over-represent the Power Domme in my drawings.  She's cool, capable, confident, and demanding.  If she works, she's successful.  If she doesn't work, she rules with an iron fist.  She dresses sleek and a sophisticated sexy and dominance is just a way of life.  This too wreaks of idealized fantasy. 

I think it's easier to polarize in fantasy and drawings than to try and capture a realistic Domme.  The woman that's a little bit girly and a little bit cool.  One that carries girly feminine charms along with a serious mean streak.  I think most women fall comfortably in between the girly girl and power Domme.  They don't need our approval, it's the subs that need their approval.  While my visual stimulation might be peaked by unrealistic fantasy idealizations, my mental stimulation definitely flows with my last statement.  You accept her as she is but she only accepts you as what she wants you to be. I think that thought arouses me to my core.

Moving on a bit...

Every time I do a lesbian drawing I feel a bit like a jackass.  I've had quite a few lesbian friends over the years and I do have to say that my masturbation fantasy lesbians aren't really anything like actual lesbians.  I know this, but I'm still drawn to this ideal.  If you aren't familiar with the lesbian lifestyle, you might not be aware that most lesbian relationships involve something resembling gender roles.  You have the butch (masculine lesbian) and the femme (feminine lesbian).  While many lesbians aren't overtly one or the other, if you happen to befriend them it shouldn't take too long to figure out if they're the pitcher or catcher. 

It's hard to make any generalizations about lesbians since you'll find as many variations as there are stars in the sky, but I'm about to make a couple of them.  Femme lesbians tend to be slightly less feminine than most straight women and butch lesbians tend to be significantly less feminine than most straight women (one of my lesbian friends once told me the joke: Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?  A: single).  You can read this as my admission that any lesbian-esque portrayals I might draw are more likely bisexual women at best as they're way too feminine to be realistic.  Most lesbian couples I have met tend to be much more emotionally and personality balanced than most gay male or straight couples.  That is, while the femme isn't necessarily submissive, she's rarely dominant unless that's her natural personality (and a dominant femme often matches up better with a dominant butch).  While there might be more butches that are a bit more dominant, I tend to think of them more as tops than dominants, and in any case, it would be a rare case for a butch to involve a male in any type of activity that might be deemed even the slightest bit sexual.  With more masculine and aggressive butches, it's probably more likely that they would kick the shit out of a sissy for being an insult to women than force them into any type of submission.
 
So... I guess I'm wondering that even though I know how the world works and some of the people in it, why my fantasies still delve so far into the realm of imaginary beings.

Another requested drawing

Thank you everyone for the comments

I've been having a lot of people message me lately through the messenger on my blog.  I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has chatted with me. 

If anyone has any requests please feel free to let me know.

I thrive strongly on feedback, comments, and emails, so if you really like something and want me to post more things like it (whether it be written or drawn) please let me know.

Coming to Terms with Kink (aka finding difficult answers to easy questions)

Well... here goes my first "real "entry in months.  My apologies if this is a repeated topic (I know that I have written similar posts before) but I feel fairly removed from those... almost as if they were written by another me, which I guess says that I feel I have changed since I was last writing.  Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I jotted down some notes earlier and am trying to piece together this post from my thoughts earlier in the day.


The process of "this is what I am now" from "this is what I wanted then" is definitely an interesting one.  I'm not sure I'm okay with who I am now as a submissive and sexually but at the same time, I'm not sure I mind that.

I know that for many in the lifestyle, one of the early obstacles is learning how to come to terms with and cope with the kink inside of you.  Some of these aspects are rather easy, others are more difficult, especially depending upon which role you are in. 

Some aspects of being a submissive are simple when it comes to interacting with women.  Like bondage?  No problem, most women I know think it's kinky and hot.  Body worship?  I don't know a woman that wouldn't/doesn't love it.  Pegging?  Just call it "reverse doggy style" and it sounds a lot less threatening.  That last one may be a stretch though.  The key to knowing how far you stray from "normalcy" is how much you NEED a particular activity.  If being tied up gets you off but you get off nearly as hard without being tied up, you're in good shape.  As long as you don't continuously ejaculate to a specific activity or fantasy you can probably avoid developing a deeply-rooted fetish that integrates that as a primary part of your sexuality.

If you're past that point, you're like me.  This inherently puts you at the bottom of the food chain.

Dommes have it relatively easy when it comes to kink.  Sexual exploration is usually encouraged (by both friends and lovers) and the sexually aggressive woman is generally very alluring and attractive.  If she has something that "does it" for her, chances are there's about 500 guys out there an email away that want her to do it to them.  As long as she can accept the kink about herself, there will be a vocal majority of kinksters encouraging that to the point where it seems very normal.  If she ever reaches a point where she can only get off if the sub is tied up, there's no shortage of subs who are willing to be tied up every time.



Worst case scenario if she finds herself with a man who is unwilling to get kinky she can simply tell him that he sucked in bed, she faked every orgasm, and unless they spice it up a notch she won't be able to get off.  99% of guys will take that as a challenge to their male ego and give in to the kink. 

Are we supposed to come to accept the kink within us?

The easy answer is yes and it probably seems stupid to even ask this.  It's emotionally healthy to accept ourselves as we are.  This goes for both Dommes and subs. 

Why bother asking then?  I am yee who is drawn to the flame... the dumbest of all creatures and lowest on the food chain... the submissive captured by the mind fuck. 

Should self-acceptance always flow both ways in the realm of D/s?

In my opinion, being dominant is a natural and rational thing to be.  Getting to do exactly what you want and getting someone else to do exactly what you want them to do seems like you struck it rich and your bottle of KY unleashed the magic sex genie willing to grant your any wish.  That to me makes perfect sense.

Now for Dommes wishing to have a submissive lover that is an emotionally healthy equal, it is probably a good thing to nurture their self-acceptance of their kinks and get them to an emotionally balanced position.  When they feel their kink is normal they will find peace.


But what about relationships that want a strict divide between Domme and sub?  Are these so bad even if they're consensual?  I'm sure there are those out there that would say that they are bad no matter what, but what about cases where both parties benefit?

A Domme can gain greater loyalty from her sub if he feels a bit insecure about his kinks.
-He's lucky to have her because other women will think he's fucked up.
-She's the only one that accepts him as he is.
-If anyone else knew about him they'd be disgusted.


These kinds of mental loops can serve as traps for a sub but they generally make him try harder if they start feeling true.

What if this insecurity serves as one of the sub's kinks?  A sub that gets aroused from humiliation needs something to feel ashamed about.  Keeping him off balance with teasing and cruelty can create its own subspace loop that feeds itself to her end.  This can be nurtured: she tells him that she loves that he's ashamed of himself and loves him when he is that way.  Or turned against him:  she acts disgusted by his kinks but constantly reminds him that she tolerates him because he obeys. 

It's a rather wicked balance.  I seem to be caught somewhere in limbo.  I am comfortable with being a submissive.  I feel ashamed about being a sissy.  This shame turns me on and makes me more submissive.  Am I better off finding peace or better off being mind-fucked about it forever?  If I had to choose I would probably have to go with the mind-fuck, but then again, I can fully admit that I am easy prey... at the bottom of the food chain (and I like it that way).

I guess in my own mind things make perfect sense like this:
She is, of course, perfectly normal.  She likes to tie up subs and spank them, but that's normal.  She gets off watching subs whimpering and writhing in pain but that's normal.  She likes to dress subs up like girls because it amuses her, but that's normal.  She likes to keep his penis caged in a chastity belt, but that's normal. 

He likes being the one tied up and spanked?  He's fucked up.  He likes writhing in pain?  He's fucked up.  He wants her to control his orgasms?  He's fucked up.  He gets a hard on when she makes him dress up in slutty clothes and frilly furs?  He's fucked up.

I don't know if I should come to terms with things but it really gives me a hard on feelings fucked up about myself.

More practice

Another Request

I received another request tonight via messenger for some more gender role reversal type drawings.  One idea was to have some sissy cheerleaders cheering for female athletes.  I pretty much went with that but did a lone sissy cheerleader being mocked and humiliated. 

On a side note, I have a bit of a thing for women that are taller than me so I figured basketball would be a pretty good theme.  I used a game photo of Lauren Jackson as a model for the basketball player, who is quite attractive and also 6'5" tall.

Here is the finished drawing.

Drawing practice

I found this outfit while browsing this year's fall/winter collections.  I think it's quite sexy (for a woman, not a sissy). 

I did a fair bit of experimenting here, trying to make the knitted sweater top look more like a sweater.  I'm fairly happy with how the gloves turned out, but man... the detail on the gloves took almost as much time as the rest of the drawing. 

My entire goal of all time with drawing was to be able to draw an attractive woman.  I think I am getting closer to reaching that goal, but I still have a ways to go. 

I did a couple of variations with different color collars.

A requested picture

I had someone request another drawing the other day.  They gave a bit of a description of it and I did my best within those parameters.

Another practice portrait

This one didn't quite turn out like I wanted it to... but I also sort of just kind of pushed to finish it without going in and adding the shading on the coat.  I suppose I may revisit it at some point and finish it up.

Fall/Winter 2011

The 2011 fall/winter collections are starting to roll out on department store websites.

The good news for fur lovers, there's lots of it.  The bad news is, it's a really mixed bag in terms of styles.  It seems there's a split between shaggy and sleek, and much of the shaggy might be warm, but isn't all that flattering to the figure. 

Another plus is that designers seem to be getting away from skinny leg pants.  I've always found those to be sort of gross, the way they tend to give women chicken legs and I'm sure there's many out there that have pushed themselves towards eating disorders to pull it off.  I though the pinned pant look in the 80's was sort of off and I feel the same way about skinny leg pants. 

Here's a few things that have caught my eye so far this year.

Latest drawing

I had originally intended this to go somewhere but I decided just to stop where I was at...

Someone who reads my blog for the pictures might think that I'm actually really into...

pegging.

I kind of cheaped out on the shading on this one out of laziness. 

Drawing

Well, I did this drawing in sections over the course of about two months, drawing one character in each sitting.  I'm not all that happy with how it turned out (it's a bit inconsistent and things didn't quite "fit" how I wanted them to) but I figured I'd share it anyways.  I had planned to add some captions but decided against it.

Hehe...

I wasn't planning on making two posts tonight but I happened to stumble across these the other day and they're fucking awful.  I'm sure there's more humiliating sissy footwear out there but these would probably be near the top of the list.  That color just makes your eyes want to bleed.

Touching base

I am alive... but haven't been much in the mood for writing, drawing, or thinking along BDSM lines.

Things have been good over the past couple of weeks with Mistress and I, although D/s is still absent from things, I can't complain.  I have been heavily into my hobbies lately and she has kept herself busy as well.

I have made several attempts to draw over the past few months, but I haven't really finished any of them until one I worked on a few days ago.

The drawing I did finish is somewhat inspired by SPH (small penis humiliation).  It's not something that I'm usually "into" nor am I tiny or anything but like most men who aren't hung like elephants, penis size has led to insecurities at certain times over my life.  I've found this to be an easy form of control that a woman can have over a man.  Even if he can pleasure her completely during sex the idea that she wished he was bigger can make the man wish he was bigger, and in turn increase his appreciation for her because she accepts him even with his inadequacies.  It doesn't take much to bring that doubt on (unless he's hung like an elephant) and it will probably haunt him at least occasionally for the rest of his erectile life. 

Sure, it's kind of a cheap shot but it seems it's kind of fitting for a man to be insecure about his penis when women are bred to be insecure about just about everything.

This picture isn't so much about saying a man is small, but more about instilling some doubt that can be used against him.

My first requested portrait

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Fetish, Happiness, and Subspace

Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post.  I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.

My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.

I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1.  Things that drive me sexually.
2.  Things that I need to be happy.
3.  Things that increase my subspace.

My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes.  They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish).  My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.

Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time.  What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.

Things that I need to be happy:

-Love
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)


Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.

These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on.  e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.

However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways.  They tend to feed each other in a circular manner.  In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity.  When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me.  The same goes for forced fem and chastity.  If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me.  I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.

I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing:  A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.

It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it.  It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences.  It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it.  I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.

I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act.  Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused. 

I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on.  Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied.  I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all). 

So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity. 

But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for.  I will mull it over for the next few days.

The "abused slave" Fantasy

I finally got around to commenting on Lady Grey's post of The Appeal of Disinterest (that also featured one of my drawings as an example) and I had a few thoughts come together that I was able to connect to many aspects of my kink.

I know I've probably written something almost identical to this in the past but if I did, it's not something fresh in my memory so please forgive me if this seems redundant.

I've spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure out why certain fantasies "do it" for me sexually when I damn well know that I wouldn't want a lifestyle like that.  I'd also wondered why I rarely connect with others that seem to share the same fetishes that I do.  I titled this post as the "abused slave" fantasy since that was the first thing that came to mind but I will cover a few others in this regards.  

Picture this fantasy that can be found in thousands of Femdom fetish fiction stories around the internet:
A man is kidnapped and kept against his will by a beautiful, cruel, rich Mistress that takes him as her live in slave and forces him to do whatever she wants while she beats him unmercifully and he's never allowed an ounce of joy or freedom. 

If a random assortment of 100 male subs read this story and got turned on, there is likely a major difference between why they got turned on.  There are extreme slaves out there but they are usually quite rare, so I would assume that out of those 100, 4 of them were subs that were truly cut out for the lifestyle depicted in the fantasy.  The remaining 96 probably wouldn't be, so why are all 100 of them masturbating to the same story?

I think the root of this divide is the act vs. the environment.  For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity.  I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this.  I think this is one of the reasons that many subs end up appearing "fake" when confronted with a real situation:  they want the woman capable of doing such things but not the things that she actually does.

In many ways I think I have been uncertain as to why particular activities have turned me on.  I know with a post during my last pegging picture I had wondered why I drew it (and why it turned me on drawing it).  I hate the activity of being pegged.  I enjoy the humiliation and submission it brings on and the idea of a woman willing to strip me of my dignity.  Forced feminization has a similar role within me.  The act of crossdressing does nothing for me, the humiliation of a woman making me dress that way is a huge turn on.  Chastity is something I hate but the idea of a woman forcing it upon me is a turn on. 

I guess when I really break it down I don't have that many "true" fetishes.  I know I was able to realize these characteristics about individual activities but I don't think I ever connected it as a whole. 

I was hoping to work on that drawing I talked about in my last post but...

it seems my inner motivation and libido have gone dormant for the time being.

Hopefully I'll finish it up soon.

A few minor ramblings

Sorry if this bleeds long... it's a week's worth of thoughts crammed into one post.

I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most.  I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post.  All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.

I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back.  I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten.  When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me.  It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy. 

The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants.  That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.

If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.



I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control.  When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me.  When her behavior is good to me, I am fine.  I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay.  I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control.  Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me.  In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch.  If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.


I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine.  I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon.  I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them.  Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well.  When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there.  If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.




Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far?  Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat.  I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it.  I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go.  Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours.  I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good. 

I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response.  I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing.  So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.



It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.



Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one?  Anything at all?  Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"?  Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me.  I'm such a simpleton in that regards.  If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly. 

Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.

2011/2012 M. Miller Collection

I've always been a huge fan of ski-wear from M. Miller.  By random chance I was surfing the web last night and found they posted their winter 2011/2012 collection just recently.  I know the ski boutiques have to have their orders placed in March to have them all filled by October or so (I found this out when trying to special order a coat for Mistress one year) and it strikes me as a little odd that the collections are done this early in the year when most clothing designers don't unveil their 2011/2012 winter collections until August/September.  The pictures here are of the new items. 

I think that's one reason why I consistently like so much of what M. Miller does... they don't just make up to the minute trends, they make attractive women's ski-wear that is also practical and pretty much in style at any time during the winter.  Most of the Dommes I have served have ended up sharing my affinity for fur and also liked my taste in what I would help them pick out when shopping.

Being that I've gone shopping a lot with my girlfriends and Mistresses over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that Mark (The M. of M. Miller) is most likely heterosexual.  I feel like I understand where he's coming from.  Even though he's designing warm winter coats, he probably thinks women are sexy and really tries to accent the beauty of the female form.  Add his flair for fur and it seems like it's a perfect match.  What seems to separate his items from many of the upscale designers is that his lines and cuts almost always do the most to draw out a woman's curves with tapered waistlines that bring out that hourglass figure that many men (myself included) find attractive.

Most of these items are available in a ton of different colors for both the base material and fur.  Each winter I like to get my Mistress at least one new coat as a gift and it's with items like these that make me regret going to work for a small business right out of college and not the corporate route.  These coats tend to carry a price tag in the $500-1500 range, and while that's not too expensive in the greater scheme of fashion, they aren't something that I can afford to buy two or three of every year along with matching accessories.

While most of the women that I know also enjoy a lot of these, whenever I post any of these on the web I don't seem to get much for feedback from people of either gender so if anyone has any comments, they'd be much appreciated. 

 

If I were to buy any of these from this year's designs for Mistress it would probably be one of these three:

Here are some of my favorites from previous years:

I'm also particularly fond of their "on location" photo shoots.

 The only real gripe I have with them is that these pictures are the largest resolution they have available on their website.

Not quite out of the woods

The last week and a half or so has involved a great deal of stress and coupled with my Mistress's BPD it has been a very trying time keeping me dipping back into depression.  We had a good talk the other night and have agreed to "keep working on fixing things" but we've had many of those talks and I'm not quite sure anymore if it's just wishful thinking or if it's actually possible.

I hate feeling emotionally fragile in this way.  I don't mind vulnerable... but feeling like you're repeatedly being "broken" (and not in a D/s sort of way) is really starting to wear me down.

I apologize to the other bloggers out there that I usually comment on their blogs.  I just haven't felt up to it lately but I will try to get back to it soon.