I've written about the tendency for progressive escalation of intensity in the D/s lifestyle before but if you haven't read those posts, I use the term "progressive escalation" to describe:
The tendency for submissives to grow more submissive over time and Dommes to grow more dominant over time.
I believe the primary reason for this trend is that the activities we regularly partake in become routine and we wish to "push the envelope" in order to obtain the same intensity of feelings as before. Dommes want stronger Domspace. Subs want deeper subspace.
In many D/s relationships the man has harbored submissive feelings for a much longer time than the Domme has held dominant feelings. At the start, this often causes some stumbling blocks to form as a man may have 10 years worth of fantasy and submission under his belt while the woman is forced to start from square one. The result is the appearance that men grow in submissiveness faster than women grow in dominance.
I think much of this is rooted in a Domme coming to an understanding about dominance within herself and submission within her sub. She must wade through, process, and then shed preconceived notions of dominance. She doesn't need to be a leather-clad whip-wielding dominatrix overnight and if that's not her thing, she doesn't need to be one at all. She has to see/read about intense D/s interactions that probably took years to build to as if they are normal and open to beginners (chastity, cuckolding, etc.). She has to face up to the challenges of finding things that appeal to her and then nurture them. This is a gradual process and not an on/off switch.
With her sub she has to get over the initial shock of his fantasy intensity... the "OMFG he wants me to do that to him?" There's a learning curve for understanding his psyche and subspace. There's fear that she will hurt him and do things that he won't like and will make him reject her. There's the responsibility of being handed the keys without a road map, yet she is expected to take them to the land of bliss and glee. These all lend themselves to making her feeling insecure.
During this early period, you can expect lots of topping from the bottom. Lots of guidance on the sub's part. She is finding her legs. She is learning to walk before she can fly. There's a good chance that much of this has her feeling tentative and unsure of herself, so much that even if she would enjoy this she probably isn't enjoying it now, nor being turned on by it.
Through this period the sub's desires seem to progress faster than the Domme's. I will refer to this as the "learning period."
Fast-forward a bit and make a few assumptions...
Assumption 1: The sub has not thwarted the Domme's progression by resisting the activities and actions that he doesn't like.
Assumption 2: She hasn't succumbed to the protocol generally taught in the "consensual BDSM" realm.
Assumption 3: The relationship has gravitated towards more of a "meta-consensual" D/s lifestyle. She has taken the reigns, embraced this role, and the D/s dynamic has gone beyond the bedroom doors.
These are some rather large assumptions. The first one carries quite a bit of weight. If he stands firm early on and refuses or resists taking part in activities that she wants to try under the guise of limits or that pleasure should be "mutual," not only will he halt his own progression to deeper levels of subspace, but he may derail her progression into a completely empowered Domme.
The second assumption may or may not happen, it depends upon how the Domme has chosen to educate herself on the lifestyle. If the first and second assumptions hold true, the third often follows.
Under these three assumptions (especially the third one), the relationship has now entered the "growth period." This is really where a Domme comes into her own and finds her unique identity in domination. She no longer hesitates to try new things, worries less about whether or not the sub is enjoying it, and knows what drives both her Domspace and arousal. This is often where concepts begin to drive her experimentation as she evaluates her own ideal of the D/s dynamic. e.g. She should have FULL control over his orgasms and denial and it doesn't get any fuller than a chastity device. If she wants to tie or chain him up as part of a punishment, it should be in an uncomfortable and unpleasant manner, etc.
In the growth period, the sub starts to fall behind. The Domme will start introducing things that "shake him up," and take him beyond his comfort zone. The sub may resist at first but eventually will comply quickly through strict discipline. She will likely take any resistance as disobedience and possibly even as an insult. He will be put through the wringer.
What really signifies the growth period is that the Domme will become more confident, more demanding, and more intense while the sub is forcibly ripped from his comfort zone, pushed into deeper states of subspace, and may become agitated at the unexpected nature of what will come next. Basically, her dominance grows faster than his submission.
Eventually... his submission will catch up to her dominance. The male creature is pretty good at adapting to almost anything once his ego has been broken. He comes to trust her judgement and knows she loves him and won't subject him to any permanent damage. When this happens they enter the "plateau period" of the relationship.
During the plateau period things go very smoothly unless the sub slips up. Another assumption: the sub has fully acclimated to the new lifestyle dynamic and things go smoothly. While it might seem harmonious, there is a fatal flaw for the plateau period: boredom. Things get routine, stale, and predictable. This may be the shared feelings of both parties or it may be one-sided. If it is one-sided, chances are the sub is fine with the arrangement but the Domme has started itching for more.
Both cases tend to lead to a similar outcome: things get shaken up and the relationship is brought back to the growth period. The only difference between how this is instigated is whether it's simply the Domme's wish or if it's the decision of both parties. In cases where an extreme decision is made, such as converting the relationship to a poly arrangement with additional subs, cuckolding, etc. it is often (but not always) consented to by both parties. I would be willing to wager that the more cycles between growth and plateau periods the couple has experienced, the more likely the Domme is to make a unilateral decision and simply tell the sub how things are going to be from now on.
The speed at which any changes occur varies greatly from couple to couple but barring situations with a commitment to the "consensual mutual pleasure" line of thought, it seems D/s relationships almost always progress each party involved undergoes their process of progressive escalation.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Female vs. male "Natural" Dominance
Last night Mistress and I went out with another Femdom couple. The conversation briefly touched on vanilla men with dominant/alpha personalities and it got me thinking about a post I made recently about men and women in the lifestyle: Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage.
Men are highly driven by the expectations of other men. I believe that throughout most of their developmental years (read as: school), men are taught to run with a pack. There's an alpha (leader), the beta (the leader's right hand man), the pack (followers), and the omega (the butt of the joke). The alpha sets the tone and the rest of the pack follows suit. Men are taught to mimic the behaviors of the alpha. The alpha learns "popular" behaviors from outside influence (TV, magazines, etc.).
"Good" male behavior involves having sex with (many) beautiful women, doing whatever you want to do, and always appear powerful and in control. Not all men really want to do to this and not all men are completely capable of doing this, but it is important to continue this image in order to maintain his place in the pack.
In his private life (family, one on one with his lover, etc.) the same man may be tender, sensitive, caring, loving, and good-natured. In his public life (with the pack) he must project all of his expected behaviors and is constantly pressured to be insecure about being happy with his private life.
For anyone that isn't the alpha, the appearance of dominance is an appearance projected to impress other men. For anyone that isn't the alpha, they are already accustomed to submitting to a more powerful being. I believe this is why you find men that appear super in control and dominant in with their public face, but immediately become docile and submissive around a prominent figure in their life that doesn't make them feel insecure about their role with other men (e.g. wife/girlfriend, mother, etc.).
Removed from the pressures of the pack, I think there are a lot less dominant/controlling men out there than people may believe.
That doesn't mean that dominant men don't exist, it just reduces their headcount. The alpha male does exist, but I think there are two types of alphas.
1. The natural alpha. He is ambitious and takes control from the get go in pursuing what he wants.
2. The nurtured alpha. His male father-figures/role-models have deeply ingrained insecurity within his psyche. He is driven to behave dominantly in order to avoid shame and ridicule and to always appear like a manly man.
This is not to say that natural alphas don't have a nurtured side, but in most cases, the bulk of the nurturing that has helped him develop his alpha characteristics has been through positive reinforcement.
Nurtured alphas are more common. They are usually somewhat insecure and are often out to prove themselves. Men/boys who are big on hazing rituals, bullying, and the like are usually of this type. They want to appear in control so that no one knows they are scared and often dislike themselves deep down. They have become a product of the pressures of outside influence. If their well-laid plans derail, you can expect a meltdown or tantrum, often followed by giving up on the original plan. While they may appear dominant, I don't consider this a natural dominance.
Natural alphas are rare but they do exist. They are usually charismatic and have many enviable characteristics about them that set the bar for what other men want to be. They are cool and in control. These are the types that bounce back strongly from failure. I consider these types to be the one kind of man that is naturally dominant.
A quick summary:
-There are less truly dominant men than people often believe. Men removed from the pack usually drop the appearance of dominance.
-For many men that exert dominant characteristics, many of these men are driven by insecurity.
-A handful of men are naturally dominant.
I have purposefully ignored special cases such as mental illness and sociopaths. I am happy that the Male Dom role exists so that a safe outlet can exist for their desires and they don't end up as serial killers.
Women are a bit different.
Mothers tend to take a much more active role in shaping a girl's expectations of the world and who she is supposed to be. Both mother and daughter are at the mercy of society's pressures, norms, and expectations that they often conform to. The effects overall are that a woman is often subjected to greater pressure of "who she is supposed to be" at an earlier age and this affects them for much of their lives. However, as society changes and relaxes its expectations of women, each successive generation of women seem to be more open to their potential as individuals while the male stranglehold over society and career fields gradually dwindles away.
As women begin to view their lives as being (at least partially) under their own control, ambition becomes a largely motivating factor. While they still face constant outside influence attempting to keep them insecure, women are growing increasingly more secure with themselves over time. Want to play sports? Go for it. Want a rewarding career? Go for it. Want to call the shots for your family and your future? Go for it.
This is where I see the greatest divergence between the dominance arising naturally in men vs. women. Male society has trapped itself in a motivation by shame, trial by fire attitude. Female society has begun to self-motivate with views of freedom, ambition, and fulfilling one's potential.
The end result is that women often reach a point where they know exactly what they want and exactly the path they want to walk to get it done, without the need for an alpha-based hierarchy to give them a benchmark for comparison.
I think this is why we are seeing more naturally occurring dominance in women while this is reserved for only the most capable and secure men.
Men are highly driven by the expectations of other men. I believe that throughout most of their developmental years (read as: school), men are taught to run with a pack. There's an alpha (leader), the beta (the leader's right hand man), the pack (followers), and the omega (the butt of the joke). The alpha sets the tone and the rest of the pack follows suit. Men are taught to mimic the behaviors of the alpha. The alpha learns "popular" behaviors from outside influence (TV, magazines, etc.).
"Good" male behavior involves having sex with (many) beautiful women, doing whatever you want to do, and always appear powerful and in control. Not all men really want to do to this and not all men are completely capable of doing this, but it is important to continue this image in order to maintain his place in the pack.
In his private life (family, one on one with his lover, etc.) the same man may be tender, sensitive, caring, loving, and good-natured. In his public life (with the pack) he must project all of his expected behaviors and is constantly pressured to be insecure about being happy with his private life.
For anyone that isn't the alpha, the appearance of dominance is an appearance projected to impress other men. For anyone that isn't the alpha, they are already accustomed to submitting to a more powerful being. I believe this is why you find men that appear super in control and dominant in with their public face, but immediately become docile and submissive around a prominent figure in their life that doesn't make them feel insecure about their role with other men (e.g. wife/girlfriend, mother, etc.).
Removed from the pressures of the pack, I think there are a lot less dominant/controlling men out there than people may believe.
That doesn't mean that dominant men don't exist, it just reduces their headcount. The alpha male does exist, but I think there are two types of alphas.
1. The natural alpha. He is ambitious and takes control from the get go in pursuing what he wants.
2. The nurtured alpha. His male father-figures/role-models have deeply ingrained insecurity within his psyche. He is driven to behave dominantly in order to avoid shame and ridicule and to always appear like a manly man.
This is not to say that natural alphas don't have a nurtured side, but in most cases, the bulk of the nurturing that has helped him develop his alpha characteristics has been through positive reinforcement.
Nurtured alphas are more common. They are usually somewhat insecure and are often out to prove themselves. Men/boys who are big on hazing rituals, bullying, and the like are usually of this type. They want to appear in control so that no one knows they are scared and often dislike themselves deep down. They have become a product of the pressures of outside influence. If their well-laid plans derail, you can expect a meltdown or tantrum, often followed by giving up on the original plan. While they may appear dominant, I don't consider this a natural dominance.
Natural alphas are rare but they do exist. They are usually charismatic and have many enviable characteristics about them that set the bar for what other men want to be. They are cool and in control. These are the types that bounce back strongly from failure. I consider these types to be the one kind of man that is naturally dominant.
A quick summary:
-There are less truly dominant men than people often believe. Men removed from the pack usually drop the appearance of dominance.
-For many men that exert dominant characteristics, many of these men are driven by insecurity.
-A handful of men are naturally dominant.
I have purposefully ignored special cases such as mental illness and sociopaths. I am happy that the Male Dom role exists so that a safe outlet can exist for their desires and they don't end up as serial killers.
Women are a bit different.
Mothers tend to take a much more active role in shaping a girl's expectations of the world and who she is supposed to be. Both mother and daughter are at the mercy of society's pressures, norms, and expectations that they often conform to. The effects overall are that a woman is often subjected to greater pressure of "who she is supposed to be" at an earlier age and this affects them for much of their lives. However, as society changes and relaxes its expectations of women, each successive generation of women seem to be more open to their potential as individuals while the male stranglehold over society and career fields gradually dwindles away.
As women begin to view their lives as being (at least partially) under their own control, ambition becomes a largely motivating factor. While they still face constant outside influence attempting to keep them insecure, women are growing increasingly more secure with themselves over time. Want to play sports? Go for it. Want a rewarding career? Go for it. Want to call the shots for your family and your future? Go for it.
This is where I see the greatest divergence between the dominance arising naturally in men vs. women. Male society has trapped itself in a motivation by shame, trial by fire attitude. Female society has begun to self-motivate with views of freedom, ambition, and fulfilling one's potential.
The end result is that women often reach a point where they know exactly what they want and exactly the path they want to walk to get it done, without the need for an alpha-based hierarchy to give them a benchmark for comparison.
I think this is why we are seeing more naturally occurring dominance in women while this is reserved for only the most capable and secure men.
Friday, January 6, 2012
A Sissy Stigma
I came up with the idea for this drawing several weeks ago but I didn't have a model that really "fit." I was a bit reluctant to draw it because I was worried it might offend some, but when I bounced the idea of another sissy they thought it was "clever and insightful."
I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.
This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.
I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.
This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.
Requested Drawing
I received a request for a new drawing a few days ago from a Mistress. All I was given to go on was that it should include cruelty, chastity, pain, ignorance, and despair, and she "trusted my creativity" to be able to come up with something.
I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P
I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Why do I blog?
I had a few reasons for starting this blog:
1. The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings. I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.
2. I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them. In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback. When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons. If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me. In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.
I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself. It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission. There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.
3. I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome.
Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:
R1. I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog. I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow. I am still terrified that it's dead in the water. This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across. For this I will say it has been a success.
R2. This has worked in many ways. A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through. Some emotional healing has been done. Some emotional healing still needs to be done. Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.
R3. This is a bit more of a mixed bag. Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another. I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics. I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit.
My bi-products of blogging:
-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them. If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction. Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.
What I feel blogging has become to me:
A. An escape. It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control. 12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset.
B. My primary source of interaction. I have started craving interaction. I have started to crave praise. Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction. In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down. It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something. It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.
A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s). Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything. It's time to change that.
So...
It's time for a break. I will continue to draw and post the drawings here. I may still write up a quickie post now and then. I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there. I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here. I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood.
I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.
1. The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings. I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.
2. I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them. In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback. When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons. If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me. In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.
I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself. It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission. There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.
3. I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome.
Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:
R1. I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog. I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow. I am still terrified that it's dead in the water. This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across. For this I will say it has been a success.
R2. This has worked in many ways. A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through. Some emotional healing has been done. Some emotional healing still needs to be done. Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.
R3. This is a bit more of a mixed bag. Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another. I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics. I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit.
My bi-products of blogging:
-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them. If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction. Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.
What I feel blogging has become to me:
A. An escape. It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control. 12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset.
B. My primary source of interaction. I have started craving interaction. I have started to crave praise. Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction. In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down. It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something. It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.
A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s). Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything. It's time to change that.
So...
It's time for a break. I will continue to draw and post the drawings here. I may still write up a quickie post now and then. I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there. I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here. I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood.
I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Discontinued D/s Product - Her Delight
Several years ago, the company that developed the CB-X000 line of chastity devices, came out with a dildo-type add-on that worked with the existing CB cock rings (it was compatible with the 2000, 3000, and the Curve). The product was known as "Her Delight" and it was basically a fairly large dildo that fit over your penis and was held in place by the ring and some posts. The device could be attached in two different ways: with a locking pin that would insert through the top at the base or it could be locked in in the same style as the cage portion of the CB line. The top pin was to keep a padlock from hurting the woman.
I pre-ordered this product when it was in its development phase and received one from the first shipment of 1,000. I remember reading about "issues" people had with them and I believe there was a second production run that improved a few of the cosmetic molding defects of the first batch. There were plans to redesign the shape (and making it smaller), but I believe it ended up being scrapped and this item has not been available for several years.
I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches. I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big." Finally we found a time to use it.
I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base.
I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex. I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast. Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine.
What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before. Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent. Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there. It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints. She just said "let's take a shower."
In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off. After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit. I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer. I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard. She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it. I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though. I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."
I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?" She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me. Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago. I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy. And besides... it turns me on to hear that." I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time. It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.
Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.
I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.
Who knows? It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.
I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches. I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big." Finally we found a time to use it.
I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base.
I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex. I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast. Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine.
What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before. Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent. Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there. It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints. She just said "let's take a shower."
In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off. After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit. I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer. I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard. She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it. I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though. I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."
I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?" She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me. Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago. I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy. And besides... it turns me on to hear that." I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time. It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.
Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.
I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.
Who knows? It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Chastity Device Reviews
I've been writing a lot about chastity lately but I realize I haven't done any writing upon actual chastity devices.
I have used four types of chastity over the years: A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000.
None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info. If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.
A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis: A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid. For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid. People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.
The Houdini. These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it. The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.
Price: $100-300
Comfort: C
These things are heavy. I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals. The handcuff proves an interesting challenge. Go too loose and you can slip out. Go too tight and you can cut off circulation. If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge. These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.
Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.
Sanitary: B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy. Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.
Durability: A
It's steel. With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.
Miscellaneous:
Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector. Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch. This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.
The CB-2000. The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's. It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage.
Cost: $100-150
Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth. There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage. The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit. The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you. This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged. You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.
Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective. You could cut your way out rather easily. Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum. A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free. With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected. The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.
Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.
Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.
Miscellaneous:
Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring. One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars. This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on). The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid. This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.
The CB-3000. The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues. It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.
Price $150-170
Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through. The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential. Lube/lotion recommended. The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis. You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage. That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube. The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.
Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000. There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security. The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.
Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000. Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer. If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick.
Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line. This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.
Miscellaneous:
One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage. If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock. The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well). The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid. The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.
Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-6000. The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000.
Price: $150-200.
Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body. Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others. The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on. The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs. The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through. The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used. The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.
Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-. The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.
Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.
Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).
Miscellaneous:
The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch. The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things. Pubic shaving is a must. The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit. I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised.
If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000. The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum. The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens.
We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes.
I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use). I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff. One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on.
I have used four types of chastity over the years: A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000.
None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info. If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.
A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis: A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid. For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid. People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.
The Houdini. These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it. The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.
Price: $100-300
Comfort: C
These things are heavy. I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals. The handcuff proves an interesting challenge. Go too loose and you can slip out. Go too tight and you can cut off circulation. If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge. These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.
Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.
Sanitary: B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy. Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.
Durability: A
It's steel. With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.
Miscellaneous:
Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector. Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch. This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.
The CB-2000. The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's. It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage.
Cost: $100-150
Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth. There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage. The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit. The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you. This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged. You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.
Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective. You could cut your way out rather easily. Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum. A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free. With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected. The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.
Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.
Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.
Miscellaneous:
Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring. One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars. This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on). The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid. This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.
The CB-3000. The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues. It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.
Price $150-170
Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through. The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential. Lube/lotion recommended. The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis. You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage. That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube. The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.
Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000. There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security. The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.
Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000. Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer. If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick.
Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line. This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.
Miscellaneous:
One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage. If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock. The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well). The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid. The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.
Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
The CB-6000. The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000.
Price: $150-200.
Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body. Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others. The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on. The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs. The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through. The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used. The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.
Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-. The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.
Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.
Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).
Miscellaneous:
The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch. The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things. Pubic shaving is a must. The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues.
Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.
I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit. I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised.
If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000. The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum. The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens.
We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes.
I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use). I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff. One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on.
More chastity randomness
So tonight I decided while Mistress is gone at work I would wear a CB while posting and drawing. It's been about four hours now and I feel completely agitated and I just want to tear it off and/or scream. If I wasn't able to remove it whenever I want to I'd probably be whimpering by now. I'm not really sure if this means I'm well-suited for chastity or ill-suited for chastity?
I can't help but think this is a miserable experience but at the same time I kind of like the misery.
It did get me thinking a bit though. Just how pathetic are men that the need for an orgasm can become such a driving force that they'll do anything and everything to get a temporary release for an orgasm? You squirt once and then the lock goes back on to repeat the process. It seems almost natural to take advantage of that.
I can only try to imagine what it would be like to be a dominant key-holder. Unless the person is pretty much a stranger that you don't care about, I honestly think this would be somewhat of a double-edged sword. The upside is that you could correct pretty much any behavior with the threat (or reality) of extending the chastity period. Whimpering and begging? That's cute. Whimpering and begging to the point of annoying? Add a week. Make a mistake or forget something? Add a week. Break a rule? Add a week.
The downside is that if you want to be consistent and strict but still want to have sex with the locked up penis, it's a hard balance to find. I guess a potential solution would be to still have sex but not allow him to cum. This will put his self-control to the test and it might not be as fulfilling as you'd want it to be. Another option would be to use desensitizing lotion on it and two or three condoms to try to boost his endurance but that is a lot of work to go through just to hope for decent sexual performance.
There-in lies the problem. To use chastity as a domination tool a Domme runs the risk of depriving herself some pleasure. This leads me to believe that chastity is better suited simply to assist in subspace and self-control, for fixed durations, or in cases where the sub won't ever be released (except for possibly cleaning). Attempting to fluctuate the release date as a carrot probably isn't the best choice overall unless you aren't sexually involved with the one locked in chastity or don't mind only getting "other" forms of sexual interaction.
I can't help but think this is a miserable experience but at the same time I kind of like the misery.
It did get me thinking a bit though. Just how pathetic are men that the need for an orgasm can become such a driving force that they'll do anything and everything to get a temporary release for an orgasm? You squirt once and then the lock goes back on to repeat the process. It seems almost natural to take advantage of that.
I can only try to imagine what it would be like to be a dominant key-holder. Unless the person is pretty much a stranger that you don't care about, I honestly think this would be somewhat of a double-edged sword. The upside is that you could correct pretty much any behavior with the threat (or reality) of extending the chastity period. Whimpering and begging? That's cute. Whimpering and begging to the point of annoying? Add a week. Make a mistake or forget something? Add a week. Break a rule? Add a week.
The downside is that if you want to be consistent and strict but still want to have sex with the locked up penis, it's a hard balance to find. I guess a potential solution would be to still have sex but not allow him to cum. This will put his self-control to the test and it might not be as fulfilling as you'd want it to be. Another option would be to use desensitizing lotion on it and two or three condoms to try to boost his endurance but that is a lot of work to go through just to hope for decent sexual performance.
There-in lies the problem. To use chastity as a domination tool a Domme runs the risk of depriving herself some pleasure. This leads me to believe that chastity is better suited simply to assist in subspace and self-control, for fixed durations, or in cases where the sub won't ever be released (except for possibly cleaning). Attempting to fluctuate the release date as a carrot probably isn't the best choice overall unless you aren't sexually involved with the one locked in chastity or don't mind only getting "other" forms of sexual interaction.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Arousal vs. Subspace
If you read my blog it's probably safe to assume that your sexual interests fall somewhere outside of "the norm." At times within the lifestyle (or fantasy of the lifestyle) there's a tendency to develop fetish and fantasy scenarios where the line between arousal and subspace triggers get blurred and they can seem almost inseparable. This is usually way more confusing for me than for women.
While one could argue it's impossible to generalize for everyone, most with a lot of experience within the BDSM realm tend to agree that this is true in most cases. Male arousal is often equated to a light switch. You're on or you're off. Female arousal is closer to a pot of water on the stove (or a tea kettle), it must gradually heat up before it reaches a boil. Subspace tends to manifest differently across the genders as well. A female sub will usually fall into subspace first and then she gets aroused. A male sub will usually get aroused first and then fall into subspace. In many cases these happenings might be instantaneous and this is one root of potential confusion.
Some terminology I will use:
Turn on - something that instigates arousal or increases sexual desire/frustration if already aroused. This includes erection attempts that are prevented by chastity.
Subspace trigger - something that initiates the sub's fall into subspace or increases the depth of subspace if he is already there.
The easiest way to separate arousal from subspace is to find a scenario where one is present but the other is not: Stroking a sub's cock will make him aroused but it doesn't necessarily trigger subspace.
Trying to find a state of subspace without arousal is almost impossible. A through and through submissive will likely put himself into subspace while masturbating. A sub that is performing an unpleasant chore with negative thoughts about it may simply picture his Domme's order or remember the potential consequences before he falls into a basic level of subspace and resigns himself to the task at hand (pleasing her/avoiding punishment begins to outweigh the unpleasantness of the chore). Arousal accompanies this realization.
To summarize it simply: subspace always includes arousal, but arousal doesn't always include subspace.
This leads us to the submissive loop. You get aroused and are in subspace. You go deeper into subspace and it makes you more aroused. You get more aroused and it opens you up to deeper subspace. They feed each other but jumping subspace levels may require some outside factors present (either in reality or in the sub's mind).
Turn ons can take on many different forms. While many of these are visual stimulation or fetish-related, they can also include personality characteristics or "reasons that we love her."
A few examples:
-A particular hairstyle, style of make-up, perfume, or bodily characteristic.
-An article of clothing such as lingerie, boots, gloves, fetish apparel, etc.
-A seductive action, motion, or posture.
Subspace triggers vary greatly as well:
-A phrase or attitude indicating the D/s "roles" are now active.
-A command, activity, or ritual frequently performed in D/s play.
-Fetish related items such as bondage gear, spanking devices, etc.
-Emotional triggers such as humiliation, emasculation, depersonalization, pet names, etc.
If you have any amount of experience with your partner you likely have picked up on many of these and you can always grill them to get their list. Having a sub write out his fantasies will often reveal most if not all of them. Knowing these things can open many doors to exploiting male sexuality.
Any turn on can become a subspace trigger through association. Include said turn on in D/s play regularly and even over a short period of time that turn on may become a subspace trigger. This may happen already with certain things if a sub has a fantasy that pops into his mind upon seeing them.
Most subspace triggers act as a turn on. This is a bit more delicate since certain activities may appeal to a sub that is already in deep subspace but give no appeal if they are in a vanilla state. However, the more experiences the sub has with that trigger, the more likely they are to respond favorably if confronted with it out of the gate.
Since a lot of subspace triggers bring on both arousal and subspace, a sub can easily be mind fucked into thinking a trigger is a true stand alone turn on. e.g. if pegging a sub puts him into a deep subspace, teasing him about getting a hard on from being ass raped will probably immediately put him into subspace, give him an erection and cause some emotional turmoil where he feels fucked up about it.
Overall, being able to acknowledge the difference between turn ons and subspace triggers is probably the main point of this post. They are quite different even if the result is the same. I think there's a lot of novice subs out there that probably get freaked out at what gives them a hard on and maybe this will help them understand themselves a bit better. There may be some novice Dommes out there that this may help shed some light on the inner-workings of the submissive mind/penis and provide some creative ways to fuck with a sub.
I have included a list of my own turn ons vs. subspace triggers in case you wanted additional examples.
My turn ons/fetishes:
-Breasts, thighs, curves.
-Eyes, lips, facial expressions.
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
My subspace triggers:
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-Tease and denial or chastity.
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.
While one could argue it's impossible to generalize for everyone, most with a lot of experience within the BDSM realm tend to agree that this is true in most cases. Male arousal is often equated to a light switch. You're on or you're off. Female arousal is closer to a pot of water on the stove (or a tea kettle), it must gradually heat up before it reaches a boil. Subspace tends to manifest differently across the genders as well. A female sub will usually fall into subspace first and then she gets aroused. A male sub will usually get aroused first and then fall into subspace. In many cases these happenings might be instantaneous and this is one root of potential confusion.
Some terminology I will use:
Turn on - something that instigates arousal or increases sexual desire/frustration if already aroused. This includes erection attempts that are prevented by chastity.
Subspace trigger - something that initiates the sub's fall into subspace or increases the depth of subspace if he is already there.
The easiest way to separate arousal from subspace is to find a scenario where one is present but the other is not: Stroking a sub's cock will make him aroused but it doesn't necessarily trigger subspace.
Trying to find a state of subspace without arousal is almost impossible. A through and through submissive will likely put himself into subspace while masturbating. A sub that is performing an unpleasant chore with negative thoughts about it may simply picture his Domme's order or remember the potential consequences before he falls into a basic level of subspace and resigns himself to the task at hand (pleasing her/avoiding punishment begins to outweigh the unpleasantness of the chore). Arousal accompanies this realization.
To summarize it simply: subspace always includes arousal, but arousal doesn't always include subspace.
This leads us to the submissive loop. You get aroused and are in subspace. You go deeper into subspace and it makes you more aroused. You get more aroused and it opens you up to deeper subspace. They feed each other but jumping subspace levels may require some outside factors present (either in reality or in the sub's mind).
Turn ons can take on many different forms. While many of these are visual stimulation or fetish-related, they can also include personality characteristics or "reasons that we love her."
A few examples:
-A particular hairstyle, style of make-up, perfume, or bodily characteristic.
-An article of clothing such as lingerie, boots, gloves, fetish apparel, etc.
-A seductive action, motion, or posture.
Subspace triggers vary greatly as well:
-A phrase or attitude indicating the D/s "roles" are now active.
-A command, activity, or ritual frequently performed in D/s play.
-Fetish related items such as bondage gear, spanking devices, etc.
-Emotional triggers such as humiliation, emasculation, depersonalization, pet names, etc.
If you have any amount of experience with your partner you likely have picked up on many of these and you can always grill them to get their list. Having a sub write out his fantasies will often reveal most if not all of them. Knowing these things can open many doors to exploiting male sexuality.
Any turn on can become a subspace trigger through association. Include said turn on in D/s play regularly and even over a short period of time that turn on may become a subspace trigger. This may happen already with certain things if a sub has a fantasy that pops into his mind upon seeing them.
Most subspace triggers act as a turn on. This is a bit more delicate since certain activities may appeal to a sub that is already in deep subspace but give no appeal if they are in a vanilla state. However, the more experiences the sub has with that trigger, the more likely they are to respond favorably if confronted with it out of the gate.
Since a lot of subspace triggers bring on both arousal and subspace, a sub can easily be mind fucked into thinking a trigger is a true stand alone turn on. e.g. if pegging a sub puts him into a deep subspace, teasing him about getting a hard on from being ass raped will probably immediately put him into subspace, give him an erection and cause some emotional turmoil where he feels fucked up about it.
Overall, being able to acknowledge the difference between turn ons and subspace triggers is probably the main point of this post. They are quite different even if the result is the same. I think there's a lot of novice subs out there that probably get freaked out at what gives them a hard on and maybe this will help them understand themselves a bit better. There may be some novice Dommes out there that this may help shed some light on the inner-workings of the submissive mind/penis and provide some creative ways to fuck with a sub.
I have included a list of my own turn ons vs. subspace triggers in case you wanted additional examples.
My turn ons/fetishes:
-Breasts, thighs, curves.
-Eyes, lips, facial expressions.
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
My subspace triggers:
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-Tease and denial or chastity.
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.
New Year's Eve
Well, it's new year's eve but Mistress has to work tonight.
If you're alone and bored like I am, feel free to hit me up on my chat box. If I'm AFK it may take a minute or two for me to respond but I should be on and off most of tonight. I have a post I am working on as well as some drawings.
If you're alone and bored like I am, feel free to hit me up on my chat box. If I'm AFK it may take a minute or two for me to respond but I should be on and off most of tonight. I have a post I am working on as well as some drawings.
Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage
It's very common within the BDSM community to encounter others that have endured a significant amount of emotional damage over the years. While there are those that just embrace kink with a clear conscience, these individuals are often the minority.
If you are new to the lifestyle or searching for a partner, it's good to keep this in mind.
I have had a lot of Lesbian friends over the years. I'm not really sure how it happened but the majority of my closest friends over the years have usually been women and I was usually someone they felt comfortable talking with, so even those that weren't publicly gay would still share that fact with me. I have had a few homosexual male friends as well. What's relevant about this is that I have seen a lot of similarities between homosexuality and those that engage in the D/s lifestyle.
We could debate nature vs. nurture into the ground but I have learned to accept a few things as being common across the two:
-No one really chooses to be this way. It is just part of who we are.
-We can't make it "go away."
-There are those that know what they are naturally and those that "discover this" about themselves later on.
It is the last statement that is at the heart of this post. Based upon my experiences with many people in the BDSM community as well as homosexuals of both gender, I have come to believe that there's two types of people in both lifestyles:
-People who were that way from day one (or as early as they can remember). aka Nature.
-People who became that way over time in response to the experiences they had during their developmental years. aka Nurture.
This means you will find Dominants and submissives both of a natural demeanor and those that have become this way as a result of external factors. If you are lucky enough to find someone of a natural demeanor they will usually (but not always) carry less emotional baggage.
Something interesting I have found is that there are a lot of differences across genders in societal expectations and how those affect kink-role development.
Women:
-Women tend to be more in tune with themselves sexually at an earlier age. They tend to accept themselves more easily. It is easier for them to talk with close friends about their sexuality and kinky things without fear or being rejected or ostracized. This puts them in a position to experiment and learn what they like and don't like through real world experience. They are also more likely to accept any kink they might embrace and be secure with their sexuality.
-Social norms and mores developed over the past two-thousand years in western society have only recently been challenged and are still in the process of changing. The traditional women's role is one of holding a lesser station in life while being physically and intellectually inferior. While this is becoming less common, it's still a frequent occurrence to find women that have been raised in this type of environment with feedback given by female authority figures echoing these sentiments.
-While society has done its best to give women equal opportunities and eliminate the "glass ceiling" it is far too profitable to keep women feeling insecure about their worth and appearance. There is a constant pressure to be thin, wear expensive clothes and make-up, and impress with what you look like rather than who you are. Basically, every attempt is made by commercialism to keep women's self-esteem low.
Men:
-Men are taught to be sexually insecure. Religion teaches men to be ashamed when they masturbate. Men have no one to talk with about their inner desires and kink. They face sexuality alone and with constant fear of shame. Men are more likely to spend much of their life feeling fucked up about being kinky. He may fantasize about it for years before ever approaching it in reality.
-"Successful" men are attractive to the opposite sex. Men are supposed to have sex with as many beautiful women as possible and try to be successful enough to bag a trophy wife. The men that do this are looked upon with respect and envy. Sex is supposed to feel good and they are taught nothing of emotional connection or intimacy. Men are supposed to value quantity of conquests over the quality of the experience.
-The appearance of a man's relationship is valued more highly than the actual substance of the relationship. Men are taught that the fulfillment from sex should be from having sex itself.
How these contribute to being dominant or submissive:
-The external factors faced by a confident women can cause a reaction that pushes her to reject the expectations of society. She basically tells them to eat shit and now burns with an even greater fire to be in control. This can serve as a "scale tipper" tilting her towards dominance (e.g. a man is no longer equal, but inferior).
-If a woman has her self-esteem broken down over time by external factors, she may look outward to determine her self-worth. This can take two paths: 1. She accepts her inferiority and develops a submissive personality. 2. She fights against her insecurity and wants to be dominant (even if she is not).
-A man may wish to be dominant to be in control and to be free to interact with multiple partners.
-A man may flat out reject the societal expectations and focus on his sensitivity. For some reason this usually tilts him towards submission.
-An insecure man may battle self-loathing for who he is vs. who he wants to be. He may react in a couple of ways: 1. He will take out his anger and insecurity through dominance. 2. He gives in to the insecurity and becomes submissive.
Overall, while society has the ability to make a dominant woman more dominant, it also has the ability to rob her of that dominance. It also does very little to build her up unless it's by her reaction and desire to be confident/dominant.
While men are taught by society that it's good to be dominant, there is something to remember. In a pack of wolves there is the alpha, the beta (the alpha's right hand man), the omega (the butt of every joke), and the rest of the pack (the majority), and there can only be one true alpha. While they should all want to be dominant, very few are naturally dominant. Everyone else is stuck in some no-man's-land limbo where there's expectations for who we should want to be and who we really are.
Societal expectations (and their effects on family) are something we experience pretty much every day of our lives. It takes a long time to change us but that change is very real. In most cases it isn't enough to steer someone to kink and their kink role but it almost always makes us predisposed to a particular kink role if the situation presents itself.
Trauma has the most immediate, significant, and long-lasting effects on a person. It is the effects of trauma that I refer to as emotional damage. Once it's there it's almost impossible to eliminate it and even if you can overcome it, you can never change the fact that it happened. Emotional damage is often a large contributor to who we are and who we become in the future.
How emotional damage may affect a submissive:
-It is how a sub relates to love. They crave abuse or to be controlled but want it to be done safely and in a loving relationship. This is often the result of extended physical, sexual, or emotional abuse from parents or other close parties that "loved" them.
-It is what a sub has come to know and expect. This is often rooted in a sub's self-worth and appeal to the opposite sex. They have accepted their view of themselves and feel it is natural to be treated this way. This is often the result of extensive discipline by a parent, humiliation in early sexual encounters, and emotional abuse.
-The sub feels like a weak person. They feel they aren't strong enough to get by on their own and aren't smart enough to make wise decisions. A dominant provides that direction for them. This is often the result of extensive emotional abuse from parental figures.
-The sub feels sexually inadequate. They believe this is the only way to please a person of the opposite sex and in turn the only way they will be loved. This is often the result of repeated failures in dating and significant sexual humiliation during early experiences.
-Fear of abandonment. The sub believes that any lover will leave them unless they succumb to their every desire. This is often the result of being abandoned by loved ones and feeling at least partly responsible for it.
How emotional damage may affect a dominant:
-They must be in control. A dominant may refuse to ever be in a situation where someone else holds control over them. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack.
-They refuse to be weak. A dominant never wants to feel weak or helpless. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack. In other cases the parent they were closest to may have been the victim of extensive spousal abuse and just "put up with it."
-It is how a dominant relates to love. They are "looking out for what is best for the sub." If they view love as stern discipline that contributes to a person's overall well-being, development, and decision-making, this may be how they show love to someone else.
-I hate all[gender]!. They have had repeated and/or significant negative experiences with members of the opposite sex yet still find themselves sexually attracted to them. This is often the result of being the victim of violent/violent sexual attacks or significant emotional abuse.
This is only a small sample of the possible situations where emotional damage has contributed towards someone's submission or dominance. Not all individuals engaged in the D/s lifestyle will carry these kinds of wounds but they are very common. Knowing how to deal with emotional damage can also serve as a balancing point for the other party in a yin/yang relationship and bring you closer together. It may lead to some ups and downs along the way but these issues surface in vanilla dating as well. I guess I just feel that D/s can be very cathartic for both parties if the right kind of complimentary relationship can be found.
If you are new to the lifestyle or searching for a partner, it's good to keep this in mind.
I have had a lot of Lesbian friends over the years. I'm not really sure how it happened but the majority of my closest friends over the years have usually been women and I was usually someone they felt comfortable talking with, so even those that weren't publicly gay would still share that fact with me. I have had a few homosexual male friends as well. What's relevant about this is that I have seen a lot of similarities between homosexuality and those that engage in the D/s lifestyle.
We could debate nature vs. nurture into the ground but I have learned to accept a few things as being common across the two:
-No one really chooses to be this way. It is just part of who we are.
-We can't make it "go away."
-There are those that know what they are naturally and those that "discover this" about themselves later on.
It is the last statement that is at the heart of this post. Based upon my experiences with many people in the BDSM community as well as homosexuals of both gender, I have come to believe that there's two types of people in both lifestyles:
-People who were that way from day one (or as early as they can remember). aka Nature.
-People who became that way over time in response to the experiences they had during their developmental years. aka Nurture.
This means you will find Dominants and submissives both of a natural demeanor and those that have become this way as a result of external factors. If you are lucky enough to find someone of a natural demeanor they will usually (but not always) carry less emotional baggage.
Something interesting I have found is that there are a lot of differences across genders in societal expectations and how those affect kink-role development.
Women:
-Women tend to be more in tune with themselves sexually at an earlier age. They tend to accept themselves more easily. It is easier for them to talk with close friends about their sexuality and kinky things without fear or being rejected or ostracized. This puts them in a position to experiment and learn what they like and don't like through real world experience. They are also more likely to accept any kink they might embrace and be secure with their sexuality.
-Social norms and mores developed over the past two-thousand years in western society have only recently been challenged and are still in the process of changing. The traditional women's role is one of holding a lesser station in life while being physically and intellectually inferior. While this is becoming less common, it's still a frequent occurrence to find women that have been raised in this type of environment with feedback given by female authority figures echoing these sentiments.
-While society has done its best to give women equal opportunities and eliminate the "glass ceiling" it is far too profitable to keep women feeling insecure about their worth and appearance. There is a constant pressure to be thin, wear expensive clothes and make-up, and impress with what you look like rather than who you are. Basically, every attempt is made by commercialism to keep women's self-esteem low.
Men:
-Men are taught to be sexually insecure. Religion teaches men to be ashamed when they masturbate. Men have no one to talk with about their inner desires and kink. They face sexuality alone and with constant fear of shame. Men are more likely to spend much of their life feeling fucked up about being kinky. He may fantasize about it for years before ever approaching it in reality.
-"Successful" men are attractive to the opposite sex. Men are supposed to have sex with as many beautiful women as possible and try to be successful enough to bag a trophy wife. The men that do this are looked upon with respect and envy. Sex is supposed to feel good and they are taught nothing of emotional connection or intimacy. Men are supposed to value quantity of conquests over the quality of the experience.
-The appearance of a man's relationship is valued more highly than the actual substance of the relationship. Men are taught that the fulfillment from sex should be from having sex itself.
How these contribute to being dominant or submissive:
-The external factors faced by a confident women can cause a reaction that pushes her to reject the expectations of society. She basically tells them to eat shit and now burns with an even greater fire to be in control. This can serve as a "scale tipper" tilting her towards dominance (e.g. a man is no longer equal, but inferior).
-If a woman has her self-esteem broken down over time by external factors, she may look outward to determine her self-worth. This can take two paths: 1. She accepts her inferiority and develops a submissive personality. 2. She fights against her insecurity and wants to be dominant (even if she is not).
-A man may wish to be dominant to be in control and to be free to interact with multiple partners.
-A man may flat out reject the societal expectations and focus on his sensitivity. For some reason this usually tilts him towards submission.
-An insecure man may battle self-loathing for who he is vs. who he wants to be. He may react in a couple of ways: 1. He will take out his anger and insecurity through dominance. 2. He gives in to the insecurity and becomes submissive.
Overall, while society has the ability to make a dominant woman more dominant, it also has the ability to rob her of that dominance. It also does very little to build her up unless it's by her reaction and desire to be confident/dominant.
While men are taught by society that it's good to be dominant, there is something to remember. In a pack of wolves there is the alpha, the beta (the alpha's right hand man), the omega (the butt of every joke), and the rest of the pack (the majority), and there can only be one true alpha. While they should all want to be dominant, very few are naturally dominant. Everyone else is stuck in some no-man's-land limbo where there's expectations for who we should want to be and who we really are.
Societal expectations (and their effects on family) are something we experience pretty much every day of our lives. It takes a long time to change us but that change is very real. In most cases it isn't enough to steer someone to kink and their kink role but it almost always makes us predisposed to a particular kink role if the situation presents itself.
Trauma has the most immediate, significant, and long-lasting effects on a person. It is the effects of trauma that I refer to as emotional damage. Once it's there it's almost impossible to eliminate it and even if you can overcome it, you can never change the fact that it happened. Emotional damage is often a large contributor to who we are and who we become in the future.
How emotional damage may affect a submissive:
-It is how a sub relates to love. They crave abuse or to be controlled but want it to be done safely and in a loving relationship. This is often the result of extended physical, sexual, or emotional abuse from parents or other close parties that "loved" them.
-It is what a sub has come to know and expect. This is often rooted in a sub's self-worth and appeal to the opposite sex. They have accepted their view of themselves and feel it is natural to be treated this way. This is often the result of extensive discipline by a parent, humiliation in early sexual encounters, and emotional abuse.
-The sub feels like a weak person. They feel they aren't strong enough to get by on their own and aren't smart enough to make wise decisions. A dominant provides that direction for them. This is often the result of extensive emotional abuse from parental figures.
-The sub feels sexually inadequate. They believe this is the only way to please a person of the opposite sex and in turn the only way they will be loved. This is often the result of repeated failures in dating and significant sexual humiliation during early experiences.
-Fear of abandonment. The sub believes that any lover will leave them unless they succumb to their every desire. This is often the result of being abandoned by loved ones and feeling at least partly responsible for it.
How emotional damage may affect a dominant:
-They must be in control. A dominant may refuse to ever be in a situation where someone else holds control over them. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack.
-They refuse to be weak. A dominant never wants to feel weak or helpless. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack. In other cases the parent they were closest to may have been the victim of extensive spousal abuse and just "put up with it."
-It is how a dominant relates to love. They are "looking out for what is best for the sub." If they view love as stern discipline that contributes to a person's overall well-being, development, and decision-making, this may be how they show love to someone else.
-I hate all
This is only a small sample of the possible situations where emotional damage has contributed towards someone's submission or dominance. Not all individuals engaged in the D/s lifestyle will carry these kinds of wounds but they are very common. Knowing how to deal with emotional damage can also serve as a balancing point for the other party in a yin/yang relationship and bring you closer together. It may lead to some ups and downs along the way but these issues surface in vanilla dating as well. I guess I just feel that D/s can be very cathartic for both parties if the right kind of complimentary relationship can be found.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Romantic Gestures and D/s
Below my hard shell of a cynical exterior, deep down I am a through-and-through romantic. It was through chivalry and picturing the "perfect date" or "perfect evening" that I somehow groomed myself to a submissive mindset.
This is a bit more difficult with D/s. To an experienced Domme, "Romantic gestures" are often hard to perform, and even harder to find ways to have it be well-received. This is because it's not really yours to offer, it's her's to take. If you live in a world of established ritual and expectations, acting independently is often frowned upon.
That doesn't mean we should stop trying. Even when serving a strict micro-manager or uber-strict power Domme, it's still possible if you take the time to get to know what makes her tick. This isn't always the easiest, but sometimes a certain look, saying a few simple words, or prostrating yourself in a certain way can really touch her heart. I've always found these times to be the most rewarding in all of Femdom. I can feel her love encircle me, her arms wrap around me as if saying "mine!" and her inner flame ignites into a blinding sun.
I think the key to this is to vastly surpass her expectations and cater to her dominant and romantic triggers. To find ways to give her something she never knew she wanted but loves it now that it's happened... this is never easy, but always rewarding when you succeed.
I'm not quite sure how this looks from the outside. Does it look like a sub over-stepping his bounds or is it more like a man madly in love and searching for new ways to show his love? I do hope the latter as I hope this is more of a positive characteristic of mine rather than a negative trait.
This is a bit more difficult with D/s. To an experienced Domme, "Romantic gestures" are often hard to perform, and even harder to find ways to have it be well-received. This is because it's not really yours to offer, it's her's to take. If you live in a world of established ritual and expectations, acting independently is often frowned upon.
That doesn't mean we should stop trying. Even when serving a strict micro-manager or uber-strict power Domme, it's still possible if you take the time to get to know what makes her tick. This isn't always the easiest, but sometimes a certain look, saying a few simple words, or prostrating yourself in a certain way can really touch her heart. I've always found these times to be the most rewarding in all of Femdom. I can feel her love encircle me, her arms wrap around me as if saying "mine!" and her inner flame ignites into a blinding sun.
I think the key to this is to vastly surpass her expectations and cater to her dominant and romantic triggers. To find ways to give her something she never knew she wanted but loves it now that it's happened... this is never easy, but always rewarding when you succeed.
I'm not quite sure how this looks from the outside. Does it look like a sub over-stepping his bounds or is it more like a man madly in love and searching for new ways to show his love? I do hope the latter as I hope this is more of a positive characteristic of mine rather than a negative trait.
Milking - Fetish and Submission Implications
This seems like a suitable follow-up topic for my last post.
For health reasons, the prostate must be discharged regularly. The prostate will it regularly fill due to semen production but as it fills it will reduce the capacity of the bladder, causing more frequent urination. Excessive backup can cause painful swelling of the testicles, prostate, and the plumbing that connects them. In addition to normal build up, toxins will build up as well. Regular discharge clears the prostate of said toxins and improves long-term health.
When long-term chastity and orgasm denial come into play, regular milking is recommended in place of normal ejaculation. This is normally performed via prostate massage but it can be achieved in other ways, at least one of which can ruin the ability to orgasm naturally.
The appeal of milking in orgasm denial is that if done slowly and in the absence of stimulation to the penis, the prostate should discharge without an orgasm. Sexual frustration will not be relieved and none of the post-orgasm sub-crash side effects will occur. Since I have never been milked I cannot verify this through first-hand experience but those that practice this regularly seem to have found common results. I have experienced non-anal milking techniques and can verify that the "slow dribble" semen discharge has the same reported results.
It's been only recently that I've really considered the possibility of being locked up in chastity for an extended period of time, so while milking has been something I've researched, it's not something that I've really thought about deeply on an emotional and submissive level.
Looking at it now leads to a few "what if?" type fantasy questions and the potential psychological and submissive reaction.
Milking in itself is a bit humiliating and symbolic of deep dominance and submission. The Domme wants to much to prevent you from achieving an orgasm but does value your health enough to keep your plumbing clean. The thoughts that a man's sexual pleasure should be ignored, that his post-orgasm behavior is inferior so orgasms should be avoided, or that he should only cum while being violated all speak in some way to my submissive nature (my brain says no, my inner sub says yes). The term "milking" itself conjures up images of a domesticated animal being drained of its fluids.
The penis as a flesh and blood dildo.
Most Dommes I know prefer sex with an actual penis. After a prostate milking a sub's cock can still be aroused, but it will supposedly take hours to days for it to recharge enough fluid to actually ejaculate. So... after he is milked she can ride his cock for hours without worrying about him cumming and his unrelieved sexual frustration will grow and grow. I can't really say much about this except that I think it's hot.
A mind fuck can be applied with this same knowledge. If a chaste sub is promised a release and X number of minutes to jerk off and orgasm as many times as he can, milking him immediately before release will rob him of the orgasm and his attempts will be in vain, only contributing to his sexual frustration.
Creating an association.
If a sub is only allowed any form of ejaculation (with or without an orgasm) through prostate stimulation it seems likely that a fetish association would develop over time. In these cases the sub may equate ejaculation with anal violation and begin craving that as his primary means of sexual relief. This would be quite a mind fuck to turn a man who once craved sex into a sub that shakes his ass and wants to be pegged via strap on. I doubt many Dommes would actually want this to happen, but I'm sure there are at least a handful.
A different kind of association.
This might seem a little bit unfair in some ways, but if enough negative reinforcement were placed on a sub's post-orgasm behavior, and his deeply submissive state while mired in prolonged sexual frustration were to be positively reinforced, it could be possible to make a sub actually prefer to denied orgasm. I think this is a two-sided coin in that I would guess that a Domme would be proud of a sub's self-control if he preferred to serve her well without an orgasm. On the flip-side, a sub that doesn't crave an orgasm is probably a bit boring and less fun to fuck with.
Putting it all together.
What I can realistically gather from these ideas are that in most cases, turning the sub's cock into a human dildo of great endurance is probably a good thing, yet reducing the sub to an ass slut or robbing a sub's desire to orgasm probably aren't desirable outcomes. Thus, there is a delicate balance to find.
From what I can gather:
-A sub should receive enough penile stimulation or actual orgasms (even if infrequent) to keep him craving them. He can be kept further off balance if shame is associated with actual stimulation or orgasm.
-Milking should be unpleasant. This can cover both physical and emotional angles. Uncomfortable restraints, a ritual beating before and/or after, and humiliation could see to that outcome.
-Chastity periods between orgasm should be of a known duration. That's not to say that the duration can't change due to reward or punishment, but having a set date will keep the sub's anticipation for his next orgasm up and prevent him from defaulting into an undesirable state.
As a sub, I can say that my deep subspace persona starts to hate itself both immediately before and after climax for my loss of focus and obedience. This gives milking some appeal when thinking as a sub.
For health reasons, the prostate must be discharged regularly. The prostate will it regularly fill due to semen production but as it fills it will reduce the capacity of the bladder, causing more frequent urination. Excessive backup can cause painful swelling of the testicles, prostate, and the plumbing that connects them. In addition to normal build up, toxins will build up as well. Regular discharge clears the prostate of said toxins and improves long-term health.
When long-term chastity and orgasm denial come into play, regular milking is recommended in place of normal ejaculation. This is normally performed via prostate massage but it can be achieved in other ways, at least one of which can ruin the ability to orgasm naturally.
The appeal of milking in orgasm denial is that if done slowly and in the absence of stimulation to the penis, the prostate should discharge without an orgasm. Sexual frustration will not be relieved and none of the post-orgasm sub-crash side effects will occur. Since I have never been milked I cannot verify this through first-hand experience but those that practice this regularly seem to have found common results. I have experienced non-anal milking techniques and can verify that the "slow dribble" semen discharge has the same reported results.
It's been only recently that I've really considered the possibility of being locked up in chastity for an extended period of time, so while milking has been something I've researched, it's not something that I've really thought about deeply on an emotional and submissive level.
Looking at it now leads to a few "what if?" type fantasy questions and the potential psychological and submissive reaction.
Milking in itself is a bit humiliating and symbolic of deep dominance and submission. The Domme wants to much to prevent you from achieving an orgasm but does value your health enough to keep your plumbing clean. The thoughts that a man's sexual pleasure should be ignored, that his post-orgasm behavior is inferior so orgasms should be avoided, or that he should only cum while being violated all speak in some way to my submissive nature (my brain says no, my inner sub says yes). The term "milking" itself conjures up images of a domesticated animal being drained of its fluids.
The penis as a flesh and blood dildo.
Most Dommes I know prefer sex with an actual penis. After a prostate milking a sub's cock can still be aroused, but it will supposedly take hours to days for it to recharge enough fluid to actually ejaculate. So... after he is milked she can ride his cock for hours without worrying about him cumming and his unrelieved sexual frustration will grow and grow. I can't really say much about this except that I think it's hot.
A mind fuck can be applied with this same knowledge. If a chaste sub is promised a release and X number of minutes to jerk off and orgasm as many times as he can, milking him immediately before release will rob him of the orgasm and his attempts will be in vain, only contributing to his sexual frustration.
Creating an association.
If a sub is only allowed any form of ejaculation (with or without an orgasm) through prostate stimulation it seems likely that a fetish association would develop over time. In these cases the sub may equate ejaculation with anal violation and begin craving that as his primary means of sexual relief. This would be quite a mind fuck to turn a man who once craved sex into a sub that shakes his ass and wants to be pegged via strap on. I doubt many Dommes would actually want this to happen, but I'm sure there are at least a handful.
A different kind of association.
This might seem a little bit unfair in some ways, but if enough negative reinforcement were placed on a sub's post-orgasm behavior, and his deeply submissive state while mired in prolonged sexual frustration were to be positively reinforced, it could be possible to make a sub actually prefer to denied orgasm. I think this is a two-sided coin in that I would guess that a Domme would be proud of a sub's self-control if he preferred to serve her well without an orgasm. On the flip-side, a sub that doesn't crave an orgasm is probably a bit boring and less fun to fuck with.
Putting it all together.
What I can realistically gather from these ideas are that in most cases, turning the sub's cock into a human dildo of great endurance is probably a good thing, yet reducing the sub to an ass slut or robbing a sub's desire to orgasm probably aren't desirable outcomes. Thus, there is a delicate balance to find.
From what I can gather:
-A sub should receive enough penile stimulation or actual orgasms (even if infrequent) to keep him craving them. He can be kept further off balance if shame is associated with actual stimulation or orgasm.
-Milking should be unpleasant. This can cover both physical and emotional angles. Uncomfortable restraints, a ritual beating before and/or after, and humiliation could see to that outcome.
-Chastity periods between orgasm should be of a known duration. That's not to say that the duration can't change due to reward or punishment, but having a set date will keep the sub's anticipation for his next orgasm up and prevent him from defaulting into an undesirable state.
As a sub, I can say that my deep subspace persona starts to hate itself both immediately before and after climax for my loss of focus and obedience. This gives milking some appeal when thinking as a sub.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Revisiting Chastity
I know I have posted about chastity in the past and it seems to surface every so often. I had a chat the other day with an ex-Mistress. We parted on okay terms so it's nice every now and then to chat. It's also interesting to note how we have both changed over the years. She has remained extremely dominant for many many years but something that she has developed more recently (since our relationship ended) is mandatory chastity. We toyed with it a bit when we were together but due to significant discomfort we reserved the chastity device for play and I was on the honor system when she wasn't present.
We only talk every few months or so but she has gotten more and more hard line on this topic as time has progressed. Her stance is that an erect penis makes all boys naughty. A good sub isn't naughty. Sexual frustration and desperation increase obedience. To have a well-behaved and extremely obedient sub he should be kept locked in chastity.
To be honest, when she first started gravitating this way she started to scare the shit out of me... the strength of her belief had become unshakable and enforced chastity became a major turn on for her. I honestly think that if her (now an adult) son were 13 years old again in the present tense, she would probably have locked him up and waited until he had a girlfriend to whom she would have given the key under the direction that he should only unlock him if he's been obedient.
She is not someone that believes in permanent chastity. She enjoys watching a penis throb in anticipation. She enjoys watching a male orgasm. She enjoys intercourse with a live human cock that is still attached to a man's body. She's not anti-cock. She's not the type that would make a device permanent with welding or epoxy. She just thinks a cock should be locked up, but that it should also be released (when it deserves to be). If you talk to her about chastity she talks like it should be as natural as eating, breathing, and regular personal hygiene.
I can see how I have changed because she's no longer scary. Chastity plays heavily into my subspace triggers and some of my more major turn-ons (e.g. humiliation via teasing and taunting). That being said, I generally love to orgasm, which turns me into an oxy-moron and I would not classify myself as a chastity enthusiast.
A few things are standing out to me now that didn't before. I believe that the reason chastity turns her on is because she would only deal with subs that want to get erect and want to orgasm. It gets her off to take that away, especially if he hates it. Yes, she is of the "loves it because he hates it" disposition. Coincidentally, my own submission is strongly drawn to the "she loves it because he hates it" style of dominance and I feel like this is starting to create an erotic chastity association with me.
The other thing is that I haven't been in true subspace very often over the past two years. I have been able to self-induce it through fantasy but the lack of a D/s dynamic in our current relationship has made these deep, rewarding experiences few and far between. What I have found lately is that if I finally reach a deep level of subspace when it gets time to cum, I almost beg not to as I am hit in the face by the realization that this feeling will crash and it will be an indefinite amount of time before it happens again. All of a sudden long-term orgasm denial has become appealing since I can keep my submissive feelings and obedience for a longer period of time.
It kind of makes me feel fucked up when I think about it.
We only talk every few months or so but she has gotten more and more hard line on this topic as time has progressed. Her stance is that an erect penis makes all boys naughty. A good sub isn't naughty. Sexual frustration and desperation increase obedience. To have a well-behaved and extremely obedient sub he should be kept locked in chastity.
To be honest, when she first started gravitating this way she started to scare the shit out of me... the strength of her belief had become unshakable and enforced chastity became a major turn on for her. I honestly think that if her (now an adult) son were 13 years old again in the present tense, she would probably have locked him up and waited until he had a girlfriend to whom she would have given the key under the direction that he should only unlock him if he's been obedient.
She is not someone that believes in permanent chastity. She enjoys watching a penis throb in anticipation. She enjoys watching a male orgasm. She enjoys intercourse with a live human cock that is still attached to a man's body. She's not anti-cock. She's not the type that would make a device permanent with welding or epoxy. She just thinks a cock should be locked up, but that it should also be released (when it deserves to be). If you talk to her about chastity she talks like it should be as natural as eating, breathing, and regular personal hygiene.
I can see how I have changed because she's no longer scary. Chastity plays heavily into my subspace triggers and some of my more major turn-ons (e.g. humiliation via teasing and taunting). That being said, I generally love to orgasm, which turns me into an oxy-moron and I would not classify myself as a chastity enthusiast.
A few things are standing out to me now that didn't before. I believe that the reason chastity turns her on is because she would only deal with subs that want to get erect and want to orgasm. It gets her off to take that away, especially if he hates it. Yes, she is of the "loves it because he hates it" disposition. Coincidentally, my own submission is strongly drawn to the "she loves it because he hates it" style of dominance and I feel like this is starting to create an erotic chastity association with me.
The other thing is that I haven't been in true subspace very often over the past two years. I have been able to self-induce it through fantasy but the lack of a D/s dynamic in our current relationship has made these deep, rewarding experiences few and far between. What I have found lately is that if I finally reach a deep level of subspace when it gets time to cum, I almost beg not to as I am hit in the face by the realization that this feeling will crash and it will be an indefinite amount of time before it happens again. All of a sudden long-term orgasm denial has become appealing since I can keep my submissive feelings and obedience for a longer period of time.
It kind of makes me feel fucked up when I think about it.
Slave Competition Game #8 - Hold the Books
This will probably be my last game idea unless inspiration strikes. Dealing with my dysfunctional family this week has led me to a rather dismal state of mind. Please forgive the piss poor drawing, it's only meant for example.
This is a variation of the bell game I posted as a comment on Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.
I'm going to go ahead and pull out all the stops here and include all of the variations to increase difficulty as part of the idea, so this could be made as easy or difficult as you would want it to based upon what gets included and excluded.
Needs:
-Blindfold
-Collar with jingle bells hanging from it (or a snug fitting elastic choker with bells)
-Wrist and ankle cuffs with jingle bells hanging from them (or snug fitting elastic with bells)
-Nipple clamps with jingle bells hanging from them.
-Ball parachute with an attached weight and jingle bells.
-2+ large heavy books. Phone books are probably the safest and they are free.
-Have the subs stand with their legs spread (the wider they are spread the harder this will be) and their arms extended outwards and their palms facing upward.
-Place 1 or more books on each hand.
-The subs are to hold the books at shoulder height and stay still. If a book is dropped on the floor or lowered below the nipples they are disqualified.
-If a bell rings the sub will receive a quick stinging swat with a crop to each ass cheek. If a bell rings while receiving the swat they shall get another swat until they can sturdy themselves enough to take a swat without ringing a bell. (Swats with items heavy enough to move the sub's center of gravity will probably make them drop the books right away so a lighter spanking tool is recommended).
-The last sub holding their books up wins.
This is a variation of the bell game I posted as a comment on Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.
I'm going to go ahead and pull out all the stops here and include all of the variations to increase difficulty as part of the idea, so this could be made as easy or difficult as you would want it to based upon what gets included and excluded.
Needs:
-Blindfold
-Collar with jingle bells hanging from it (or a snug fitting elastic choker with bells)
-Wrist and ankle cuffs with jingle bells hanging from them (or snug fitting elastic with bells)
-Nipple clamps with jingle bells hanging from them.
-Ball parachute with an attached weight and jingle bells.
-2+ large heavy books. Phone books are probably the safest and they are free.
-Have the subs stand with their legs spread (the wider they are spread the harder this will be) and their arms extended outwards and their palms facing upward.
-Place 1 or more books on each hand.
-The subs are to hold the books at shoulder height and stay still. If a book is dropped on the floor or lowered below the nipples they are disqualified.
-If a bell rings the sub will receive a quick stinging swat with a crop to each ass cheek. If a bell rings while receiving the swat they shall get another swat until they can sturdy themselves enough to take a swat without ringing a bell. (Swats with items heavy enough to move the sub's center of gravity will probably make them drop the books right away so a lighter spanking tool is recommended).
-The last sub holding their books up wins.
Slave Competition Game #7 - Human Crane
-Dangle a strong magnet by a string from the bottom of a ball parachute so that it is roughly ~14-16" from the floor. Strong magnets can be found at science supply stores or a larger object such as a magnet bar designed to hold kitchen knives to the wall could be used.
-Place ~5 metal objects on the floor that will conduct magnetism. They can be of varying sizes and weights or all the same. Heavier will cause more strain, smaller will be more difficult to pick up. Fishing weights would be relatively inexpensive and be both heavy and small, but I'm not sure if they would all conduct magnetism.
-Restrain the sub's hands behind his back.
-Star a timer.
-The sub must hover over the object on the floor and squat down low enough to have the magnet touch the object and pick the object up.
-The sub that picks up all of the items off the floor in the fastest time, wins.
-If a sub falls down or his knee or butt touches the ground he will be disqualified.
-For added difficulty items like nipple clamps or clothes pins will make it more difficult to concentrate. A posture collar would make it more difficult for the sub to see the objects on the floor with any amount of precision so he may have to scoot around while squatting.
-Place ~5 metal objects on the floor that will conduct magnetism. They can be of varying sizes and weights or all the same. Heavier will cause more strain, smaller will be more difficult to pick up. Fishing weights would be relatively inexpensive and be both heavy and small, but I'm not sure if they would all conduct magnetism.
-Restrain the sub's hands behind his back.
-Star a timer.
-The sub must hover over the object on the floor and squat down low enough to have the magnet touch the object and pick the object up.
-The sub that picks up all of the items off the floor in the fastest time, wins.
-If a sub falls down or his knee or butt touches the ground he will be disqualified.
-For added difficulty items like nipple clamps or clothes pins will make it more difficult to concentrate. A posture collar would make it more difficult for the sub to see the objects on the floor with any amount of precision so he may have to scoot around while squatting.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Just what is subspace?
I received a request to try and adequately describe what subspace is. I'm not sure if I can do this or not, but I'm going to give it a try. While there may be some medical connection of subspace to the production of certain brain chemicals and those brain chemicals may have some addictive qualities, I'm not well-versed enough in what those may be so I'm going to steer clear of it for now and it probably isn't really relevant to this post anyways.
Subspace reduces someone to a child-like state of focus. In this state the Domme becomes the sub's whole world in the same way that a young child might feel like his parents are the whole world.
He will define himself in terms of her. Her behavior towards him and her reactions to his actions will determine how he feels about himself. The morality of this world is determined by what brings her pleasure and displeasure.
The feelings are difficult to describe but it's like your soul is overwhelmed by your love for her and the only thing that matters is what she desires. It is a total surrender to her will. In this state the world makes total sense.
While subspace and arousal are heavily linked, they are not the same thing. e.g. Rubbing a man's cock will get him aroused but it doesn't mean he's in subspace. Once subspace is introduced, arousal and subspace can often feed one another in a loop with deeper subspace leading to greater arousal and greater arousal leading to deeper subspace.
Subspace has varying degrees at any time that can be "shallow" or "deep" depending upon the situation. It's a lot like being drunk.
Early levels: Willing surrender (equivalent to being tipsy).
Middle levels: Desperation to please (equivalent to being drunk).
Deeper levels: Loss of self and independence (equivalent to being wasted).
No subspace at all is the equivalent of being sober.
**Note: I am not comparing subspace to intoxication, just that the intensity of subspace varies from mild to extreme in a similar way and it is usually a process of moving deeper or more shallow.
Environmental variables have a lot of control over subspace. These are often symbolic or developed through association but they can be used to trigger subspace or deepen it. A collar is an easy example of this. If a Domme orders the sub to get his collar it may trigger an immediate drop into subspace or push him into deeper levels of subspace. Rules and fear of punishment can also trigger subspace even if the Domme isn't immediately present. With certain things in place, it's possible to create a subspace loop without that will perpetuate itself within the sub.
Depth of subspace often affects what a sub is willing to endure and enjoy. If deeper levels of subspace are reached, the sub is more likely to willingly submit to more extreme/intense activities. He may hate something physically but love it emotionally because of subspace. If he is in an earlier stage of subspace he may (want to) reject an activity outright but when in deeper stages of subspace it may turn him on. The deeper the subspace, the narrower his vision will become and at its deepest stages, he can only see her.
Orgasms can affect the difficulty of achieving subspace. The more recent the orgasm, the more difficult it can be to return to subspace and reach its deeper levels. This is why many Dommes create a post-orgasm ritual or activity to eliminate or reduce this down time.
Subspace can be addictive. A sub may not only crave to be in subspace, but as he progresses, he will inevitably desire ever deepening levels of subspace. Ideally this progression will mirror the Domme's desire to escalate their D/s relationship to greater levels but this is not always the case.
Overall, I guess subspace could be described as the intensity of emotional surrender a sub feels towards his Domme.
And yes... this post was woefully inadequate at capturing just what makes the feeling of subspace so "magical."
Subspace reduces someone to a child-like state of focus. In this state the Domme becomes the sub's whole world in the same way that a young child might feel like his parents are the whole world.
He will define himself in terms of her. Her behavior towards him and her reactions to his actions will determine how he feels about himself. The morality of this world is determined by what brings her pleasure and displeasure.
The feelings are difficult to describe but it's like your soul is overwhelmed by your love for her and the only thing that matters is what she desires. It is a total surrender to her will. In this state the world makes total sense.
While subspace and arousal are heavily linked, they are not the same thing. e.g. Rubbing a man's cock will get him aroused but it doesn't mean he's in subspace. Once subspace is introduced, arousal and subspace can often feed one another in a loop with deeper subspace leading to greater arousal and greater arousal leading to deeper subspace.
Subspace has varying degrees at any time that can be "shallow" or "deep" depending upon the situation. It's a lot like being drunk.
Early levels: Willing surrender (equivalent to being tipsy).
Middle levels: Desperation to please (equivalent to being drunk).
Deeper levels: Loss of self and independence (equivalent to being wasted).
No subspace at all is the equivalent of being sober.
**Note: I am not comparing subspace to intoxication, just that the intensity of subspace varies from mild to extreme in a similar way and it is usually a process of moving deeper or more shallow.
Environmental variables have a lot of control over subspace. These are often symbolic or developed through association but they can be used to trigger subspace or deepen it. A collar is an easy example of this. If a Domme orders the sub to get his collar it may trigger an immediate drop into subspace or push him into deeper levels of subspace. Rules and fear of punishment can also trigger subspace even if the Domme isn't immediately present. With certain things in place, it's possible to create a subspace loop without that will perpetuate itself within the sub.
Depth of subspace often affects what a sub is willing to endure and enjoy. If deeper levels of subspace are reached, the sub is more likely to willingly submit to more extreme/intense activities. He may hate something physically but love it emotionally because of subspace. If he is in an earlier stage of subspace he may (want to) reject an activity outright but when in deeper stages of subspace it may turn him on. The deeper the subspace, the narrower his vision will become and at its deepest stages, he can only see her.
Orgasms can affect the difficulty of achieving subspace. The more recent the orgasm, the more difficult it can be to return to subspace and reach its deeper levels. This is why many Dommes create a post-orgasm ritual or activity to eliminate or reduce this down time.
Subspace can be addictive. A sub may not only crave to be in subspace, but as he progresses, he will inevitably desire ever deepening levels of subspace. Ideally this progression will mirror the Domme's desire to escalate their D/s relationship to greater levels but this is not always the case.
Overall, I guess subspace could be described as the intensity of emotional surrender a sub feels towards his Domme.
And yes... this post was woefully inadequate at capturing just what makes the feeling of subspace so "magical."
Dominant Anger vs. Out of Control Emotion
There is a fine line when discipline becomes abuse. The defining characteristic between the two often stems from the state of mind a Domme is in when they occur. Symbolically, this serves as a strong representation of dominance vs. bitchiness.
There's a lot of women out there that will throw a fit if they don't get their way. These are usually vanilla couples but the woman finds ways to break her man down over time until his behavior resembles submission. I'm sure you have all seen this before, but I'm also sure that you wouldn't describe these women as "dominant."
I often describe this contrast as "Queen vs. Princess," and I feel this serves as the dividing line between discipline/punishment and abuse. A Queen rules calmly. She may be strict and punish severely for rules infractions, but it is governed by principles. When she is wronged she voices her displeasure and may manifest that displeasure through physical punishment. A Princess is a slave to her emotions. When they erupt she reacts immediately and without restraint. Simple displeasure may appear as anger and hatred until her mood calms.
This has great implications when looking at the D/s dynamic.
The calm Queen exerts dominance. A sub's natural response is submission and order is restored.
The explosive Princess throws tantrums. A sub's natural response to her attacks is defensiveness and fear.
This is not to say that a Domme can't lose her cool, but ideally this is either a special case, isolated incident, or something that has been "built up to" through D/s interaction. If a sub makes a chronic mistake for say, the tenth time and it has something the Domme has actively tried to correct, it is reasonable to assume that her intense disappointment will likely bring about a stronger reaction than if this was the first occurrence of an accidental oversight by the sub. If she is in the act of punishing and releasing some pent up anger over a sub's infractions, for her to lose herself in the moment and build intensity as she goes, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and it will often lead to some of the more intimate and rewarding D/s activities in its aftermath. These activities generally contribute to the overall D/s dynamic of the relationship. While the Domme may be hurting the submissive, her love protects any serious damage from happening on both an emotional and physical level.
When out-of-control emotions take over from the start, the end result is usually damaging to the relationship and these are the cases where abuse can surface.
There's a lot of women out there that will throw a fit if they don't get their way. These are usually vanilla couples but the woman finds ways to break her man down over time until his behavior resembles submission. I'm sure you have all seen this before, but I'm also sure that you wouldn't describe these women as "dominant."
I often describe this contrast as "Queen vs. Princess," and I feel this serves as the dividing line between discipline/punishment and abuse. A Queen rules calmly. She may be strict and punish severely for rules infractions, but it is governed by principles. When she is wronged she voices her displeasure and may manifest that displeasure through physical punishment. A Princess is a slave to her emotions. When they erupt she reacts immediately and without restraint. Simple displeasure may appear as anger and hatred until her mood calms.
This has great implications when looking at the D/s dynamic.
The calm Queen exerts dominance. A sub's natural response is submission and order is restored.
The explosive Princess throws tantrums. A sub's natural response to her attacks is defensiveness and fear.
This is not to say that a Domme can't lose her cool, but ideally this is either a special case, isolated incident, or something that has been "built up to" through D/s interaction. If a sub makes a chronic mistake for say, the tenth time and it has something the Domme has actively tried to correct, it is reasonable to assume that her intense disappointment will likely bring about a stronger reaction than if this was the first occurrence of an accidental oversight by the sub. If she is in the act of punishing and releasing some pent up anger over a sub's infractions, for her to lose herself in the moment and build intensity as she goes, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and it will often lead to some of the more intimate and rewarding D/s activities in its aftermath. These activities generally contribute to the overall D/s dynamic of the relationship. While the Domme may be hurting the submissive, her love protects any serious damage from happening on both an emotional and physical level.
When out-of-control emotions take over from the start, the end result is usually damaging to the relationship and these are the cases where abuse can surface.
Gift Giving
I love to give gifts and I am often given credit as being a great gift giver so I thought I would share my thoughts on giving gifts. I realize this would have been a more useful post a few days/weeks ago, but the inspiration didn't hit me until last night.
It's the thought that counts. That being said, it's important to remember, it's the thought that counts.
DO NOT give... a vegetarian a gift certificate to a steakhouse, a recovering alcoholic a membership in a beer/wine of the month club, a paraplegic tap dancing shoes, a deaf person an ipod, or a blind person a new TV. This kind of gifting falls into the category of "thoughtless" and will undoubtedly hurt feelings. Some of these examples might seem extreme, but there's tons of lesser examples that fall into this category as well.
DO NOT give a gift that implies a not-so-subtle HINT unless you know damn well it is consistent with what they actually want. e.g. don't give a smoker nicotine patches unless they've said they are actively trying to quit, don't give a woman a membership in a weight loss meal club unless they've said they wanted that, a balding man a hair club membership unless they've said that they wanted that, etc. While you might think you have their best interests in mind, it's insensitive, shitty, and passive aggressive. You are projecting what you think they'd want when in actuality you are hurting their feelings.
It's the thought that counts is hard to adhere to unless you think about what the implied thought actually is. This thought shouldn't be what you think they should be, but an understanding of who they are and what they like.
As you get older people are less likely to say "I want X or Y," and this is why it's often easier to shop for children. Giving a good gift is easy even though it might seem difficult. The more time you spend with someone the easier it is to find the perfect specific gift. For people you see infrequently (such as extended family) your gift will rarely be perfect, but it can be very good by simply exercising your existing knowledge of their interests and translating that to gift form.
Distant in-law #1 you know loves to micro-brew. You have no idea about micro-brewing. A gift certificate to an online store specializing in micro-brewing supplies and ingredients will be superior to a gift certificate to Kohls.
In-law #2 has a serious collection of art-house films on DVD/Blu-Ray. You have no idea what they have and don't have. A gift certificate to a store that stocks Criterion collection movies (such as Barnes & Noble or an online store), to a local theater that specializes in independent and foreign films, or even a Netflix subscription (if they already have one it will just stack on their current subscription and save them money) should go over better than getting them something completely unrelated or taking a stab in the dark on a movie they may already own or didn't like.
When all else fails, you can always ask.
For people you see more frequently this can be a lot easier since you have a regular glimpse into their day to day life. A good gift for them splits into three categories:
1. Something you know they want (and/or related items).
2. Something you know they need but haven't purchased for themselves.
3. Something that shows that you know them and what they like.
#3 is basically the same as my previous examples.
#2 probably won't seem as appreciated right off the bat but you will likely get repeated thank you's down the line. e.g. if you know they eat a lot of rice but generally boil it on the stove, a rice cooker is an easy gift that just about everyone can use and appreciate. If you share rides and know their windshield wipers suck, drop for a pair of top of the line Bosch Icon wipers (make sure you get the year/model of their car before doing this).
#1 is easy since it's already been known. If you plan to get them more than you know they already want or you know someone is already getting them the "big" one, build off of that idea. If she wanted a specific coat, in addition to the coat go after a matching hat, scarf, and gloves that are consistent with her style. If he wanted a Dewalt Cordless drill, an extra battery and charging station always comes in handy. These serve as a great complimentary gift and will make them think of you each time they use the item, even if you weren't the one that bought the big one.
Re-gifting a bad gift or gifting something you got for free only works if the item is perfect for someone else or you really don't care what they think of you.
Remember that it's the thought that counts... but it's the thought that counts. I received a bottle of booze from my relatives for the fourth consecutive year this year when I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and haven't had more than 1 drink in a sitting in over 15 years... and earlier this year I even told them that I don't drink at all when they wondered why I wasn't having wine with dinner. At least booze can usually be re-gifted without hurting anyone's feelings but my own.
If you are a sub buying a gift for your Mistress, it's usually not recommended to buy any BDSM gear unless she picked something out that she specifically wanted. Submissive fantasies often skew the gifting process if you choose one on your own.
It's the thought that counts. That being said, it's important to remember, it's the thought that counts.
DO NOT give... a vegetarian a gift certificate to a steakhouse, a recovering alcoholic a membership in a beer/wine of the month club, a paraplegic tap dancing shoes, a deaf person an ipod, or a blind person a new TV. This kind of gifting falls into the category of "thoughtless" and will undoubtedly hurt feelings. Some of these examples might seem extreme, but there's tons of lesser examples that fall into this category as well.
DO NOT give a gift that implies a not-so-subtle HINT unless you know damn well it is consistent with what they actually want. e.g. don't give a smoker nicotine patches unless they've said they are actively trying to quit, don't give a woman a membership in a weight loss meal club unless they've said they wanted that, a balding man a hair club membership unless they've said that they wanted that, etc. While you might think you have their best interests in mind, it's insensitive, shitty, and passive aggressive. You are projecting what you think they'd want when in actuality you are hurting their feelings.
It's the thought that counts is hard to adhere to unless you think about what the implied thought actually is. This thought shouldn't be what you think they should be, but an understanding of who they are and what they like.
As you get older people are less likely to say "I want X or Y," and this is why it's often easier to shop for children. Giving a good gift is easy even though it might seem difficult. The more time you spend with someone the easier it is to find the perfect specific gift. For people you see infrequently (such as extended family) your gift will rarely be perfect, but it can be very good by simply exercising your existing knowledge of their interests and translating that to gift form.
Distant in-law #1 you know loves to micro-brew. You have no idea about micro-brewing. A gift certificate to an online store specializing in micro-brewing supplies and ingredients will be superior to a gift certificate to Kohls.
In-law #2 has a serious collection of art-house films on DVD/Blu-Ray. You have no idea what they have and don't have. A gift certificate to a store that stocks Criterion collection movies (such as Barnes & Noble or an online store), to a local theater that specializes in independent and foreign films, or even a Netflix subscription (if they already have one it will just stack on their current subscription and save them money) should go over better than getting them something completely unrelated or taking a stab in the dark on a movie they may already own or didn't like.
When all else fails, you can always ask.
For people you see more frequently this can be a lot easier since you have a regular glimpse into their day to day life. A good gift for them splits into three categories:
1. Something you know they want (and/or related items).
2. Something you know they need but haven't purchased for themselves.
3. Something that shows that you know them and what they like.
#3 is basically the same as my previous examples.
#2 probably won't seem as appreciated right off the bat but you will likely get repeated thank you's down the line. e.g. if you know they eat a lot of rice but generally boil it on the stove, a rice cooker is an easy gift that just about everyone can use and appreciate. If you share rides and know their windshield wipers suck, drop for a pair of top of the line Bosch Icon wipers (make sure you get the year/model of their car before doing this).
#1 is easy since it's already been known. If you plan to get them more than you know they already want or you know someone is already getting them the "big" one, build off of that idea. If she wanted a specific coat, in addition to the coat go after a matching hat, scarf, and gloves that are consistent with her style. If he wanted a Dewalt Cordless drill, an extra battery and charging station always comes in handy. These serve as a great complimentary gift and will make them think of you each time they use the item, even if you weren't the one that bought the big one.
Re-gifting a bad gift or gifting something you got for free only works if the item is perfect for someone else or you really don't care what they think of you.
Remember that it's the thought that counts... but it's the thought that counts. I received a bottle of booze from my relatives for the fourth consecutive year this year when I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and haven't had more than 1 drink in a sitting in over 15 years... and earlier this year I even told them that I don't drink at all when they wondered why I wasn't having wine with dinner. At least booze can usually be re-gifted without hurting anyone's feelings but my own.
If you are a sub buying a gift for your Mistress, it's usually not recommended to buy any BDSM gear unless she picked something out that she specifically wanted. Submissive fantasies often skew the gifting process if you choose one on your own.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
100 Followers... almost
I had a small charge of excitement this morning when I logged into my blogger dashboard and saw my follower count at 100. Then I remembered that I was following my own blog (I'm lame like that) and that counted in the number so I guess I'm still at 99.
After 21 months and 370 posts I've almost reached that milestone.
A big thank you to everyone that reads my blog, posts comments, and follows. I hope your holidays are happy and safe.
After 21 months and 370 posts I've almost reached that milestone.
A big thank you to everyone that reads my blog, posts comments, and follows. I hope your holidays are happy and safe.
Friday, December 23, 2011
BDSM Concept - Meta-Consent
I have made several posts regarding the idea of meta consent, a term that I will credit Giles English of Chastity Belt Erotica for coining in the comments of one of my earlier related posts.
We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent. In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub. In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits. e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon. A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.
Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him. Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships. This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm.
Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual. This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused.
In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play. In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD.
We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent. In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub. In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits. e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon. A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.
Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him. Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships. This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm.
Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual. This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused.
In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play. In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
How important is it for a Domme to understand a male's submission?
Something that has nagged at me a bit over the past few years is the importance of a Domme understanding the root of a male's submission. A better way of wording this might be: how well she understands his subspace triggers.
My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met. She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub. We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.
And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?
I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").
From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary. It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations. She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.
From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance. For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one. If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.
In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable. In theory. In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship. But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.
If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance. Basically: use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do. From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.
If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me. Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer. I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run.
My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met. She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub. We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.
And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?
I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").
From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary. It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations. She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.
From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance. For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one. If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.
In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable. In theory. In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship. But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.
If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance. Basically: use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do. From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.
If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me. Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer. I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run.
New Poll: What type of suffering do you prefer?
I haven't posted a poll in a while. The reason I removed the old polls and haven't really created new ones was because I wanted people to be able to vote for them over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, when I kept extending the time limit older votes began to vanish from the poll. This one will have a 2-week run.
The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.
I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.
Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking
Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture
The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.
I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.
Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking
Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture
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