Now, about that fur...
When we returned from the store (at the end of 2b), K sat me down and we had a talk. For some reason I had built up walls and she was determined to tear them down. K had me kneeling in front of her, naked, while she sat on a chair in front of me. I was told to look at the floor. I could tell she was disappointed in me.
"Why were you being so disagreeable at the store?" asked K.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Tell me," she commanded.
I bit my lip. She lifted my chin until our eyes met.
"Tell me."
"It made me feel weird, Mistress."
"Weird how?"
"I don't know, just weird."
"I think you're lying to me, you know that's unacceptable."
I looked down again but she forced my chin up.
"Try," she ordered.
I was floundering, stuck someplace mentally I didn't understand. I relied on impulse. I turned my eyes to the floor and blurted out, "Fur is for girls, Mistress!"
"It's not just for girls," K replied.
"Yes it is," I whimpered unable to look at her.
"Even if it is just for girls, you'd wear it if I ordered you to, wouldn't you?"
I couldn't respond. My body was frozen. I couldn't speak or move an inch.
"Stay here," she ordered. I didn't watch as she walked away and returned.
I felt the touch of fur on my neck.
"Raise your head."
I did as instructed. It was a fur scarf that I had purchased for her as a gift. It was long and made of black fur with a fur pom pom on each end. She wrapped it around my neck and tied it off, adjusting it so that the pom poms were the same height as my nipples. My breathing became heavy and I began to fidget.
"How do you feel?" I couldn't speak and my head was spinning so badly that I didn't know what to think or feel.
"Does it feel good?"
I nodded.
"It feels nice, doesn't it?"
I nodded.
"I think you like it," she said as she moved her foot against my fully erect penis. I closed my eyes. The scarf smelled like her. K moved the ends of the scarf so that the pom poms touched my nipples.
"Go to time out," she commanded. "Think about how you let me down today."
I went and knelt in the corner with my hands behind my head. I was naked and wearing nothing but the scarf. My penis stayed erect. I heard K go and get on the computer and my thoughts spiraled all over the place. I wracked my brain to the best of my abilities. After about an hour she returned to me.
"Turn around, stay kneeling, don't look at me."
I complied.
"What is bothering you?" she asked.
"I don't want to be a sissy, Mistress," I replied in a meek voice.
"And you think wearing fur makes you a sissy?"
I nodded.
"If I wanted you to be a sissy, there's nothing you could do about it is there?"
I didn't move or respond. I could tell she took that as a no.
"You want me to be happy, right?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"You want to please me, right?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"If I wanted you to be a sissy, you would be a sissy, right? Don't you dare say no to me."
"Yes, Mistress," I said in a voice barely louder than a whisper.
"Stay here."
She moved across the room to her bags and returned with a pink beanie in her hand that had a fur pom pom on top.
"You are on punishment until further notice," she said as she pulled the beanie onto my head. "This hat is a symbol of your punishment. It's your shame. You will wear this while you are on punishment and if you are off punishment you will wear it during time out if I am not here, do you understand?"
"Yes, Mistress," I replied, feeling like I was about to cry.
"Good. I have added 20 marks."
K had instituted the state of being "on punishment" a while ago. This meant full high protocol with no "normal" D/s time. Any infractions were given double marks. If she felt the need to spank me she would do it, but marks could not be cleared from the book while on punishment.
K returned home the next day, leaving the black scarf and pink hat behind. As ordered I would remain wearing the scarf any time I was home and the hat any time I was home until she chose to remove punishment.
The following day K brought something up when we were chatting. We were on webcam to make sure I was dressed appropriately.
"I think you have a second layer," she said.
"Second layer?"
"There are two different submissives in you. You have your regular submissive in you. You also have a slave within you. The submissive is a boy. The slave is a sissy slave."
"I don't know what that means, Mistress."
"Do you trust me?"
"Of course, Mistress."
"Do you trust me to do what is best for you and the both of us?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"I have an assignment for you. Write about 5 fur items you would find embarrassing to wear and why. Find 3 example pictures for each item and rank them in order from least to most embarrassing. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Mistress."
To be continued.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Reflections part 2c: Difficulties and Complications
I will warn that from here on out, everything gets very messy as many sets of events happened concurrently and it is easier to elaborate upon them individually or risk having it appear like a Game of Thrones episode.
A few months in to the relationship things got a bit more confusing and complicated. It's safe to say that I was a mess. The positives up to this point: K's health was steadily improving, I was deeply in love with someone who loved me, we were both exploring a lifestyle together that was surpassing my deepest fantasies.
There were some difficulties. K had withheld certain details of her life that she revealed later on which made things a but more complicated. She was currently the guardian of the child of her deceased brother and in a custody battle with the abusive piece of shit of a mother. When she asked if it bothered me, it had taken me a bit by surprise but my response was that as long as it didn't make her love me less, it didn't bother me.
A little while later K dropped another bomb on me: she was currently married. This one messed with me a little bit more but I let her explain it rather than reacting immediately. They lived in the same home but were separated. They were friends who had met in their local BDSM community. He had been in a cautionary tale level of abuse D/s relationship that had messed him up something fierce. K explained they had eloped after a brief romance and while the marriage was pretty much over after 6 months, with her health situation and some other factors they just hadn't gotten around to getting divorced 2+ years later. She told me she was going to help him get into a stable living situation before finalizing it. I chose to believe in her but somewhere the seeds of doubt and fear began to creep in.
A few other things began to confuse me as well. At the start, K had us compartmentalize certain aspects of the lifestyle. Basically, we had times that was just hanging out as friends (off time), times where D/s was in effect (on time), and times where a stricter set of D/s rules were going (high protocol). In addition to these, each day we would have a discussion about the events so far and my previous day's journal entry where we were in our roles were Domme and sub but during these times we had full and open communication on anything. As time went on, these lines began to blur and her expectations would often flash between roles in an instant and without warning. This would throw me off a bit.
In hindsight, I realize now that many of these struggles were due to her learning curve in becoming a Domme. In the moment, I was at a loss because K had always been my authority on the subjects at hand. For example, if my journal entry had cited something I didn't like and my reluctance to do it again, sometimes we would talk this out and come to an understanding. Other times K would react as if I just told her no while in high protocol mode and there would be hell to pay. Soon it was difficult for me to understand what I was supposed to be at any given time and I started to hesitate sharing my entire feelings for fear of repercussions. This process happened slowly over time so there wasn't any one defining moment where I went from trusting to afraid.
I also began to understand how K's experiences within the accepted BDSM protocols were trapping her as a Domme. Intellectually, K was strongly opposed to any ideas that allowed a Domme's power to go beyond mutually agreed upon activities and negotiated limits. She wanted everything to be mutually pleasurable for both parties and idealized that obedience should always be voluntary without the need for reinforcement. I'm not sure that K fully understood the differences between male and female submission post-orgasm. Her experiences were that femsubs post-orgasm feel an even stronger bond and submission to their Dom. To be blunt, even the best male subs are pretty damn useless and disconnected following an orgasm unless the Domme has a mechanism for an immediate return to subspace. I think my disagreeable nature following an orgasm hurt K's confidence but she was never one to share this information with me. She also never strayed outside of protocols to correct this as well.
I was aware that things were going a bit awry. I knew that I was a large part of the problem and I felt terrible because of it. I began completing additional assignments for her or adding to the lists K had me write early on. Slowly I peeled back some hard limits (moving them to the list of soft limits), removed many soft limits completely, and began adding to the list of fantasies I would be open to trying. I was supposed to write a piece of fantasy fiction once a week and I started to write more. K used these stories to try and understand what made me tick as a submissive and she would find parts that aroused her and she would masturbate to them as well, making them part of her fantasies. In the stories I began to dial up the intensity of things with the goal of alleviating some of her hesitations and letting her know I was okay with the intensity levels that made her shine the brightest. It was my way of saying, "Hey, this turns me on too, it's okay to do it this way if you want to."
I gave it a lot of thought, even to the point where it started to scare me. K was most at home in high protocol mode. All expectations and behaviors were clear and it was simply a means of my ability to perform and her ability to enforce. From that part onward in the stories morphed:
-All D/s dynamics were in high protocol mode only.
-I never had another orgasm in the stories. At first, all orgasms were denied. Later on, I just focused solely upon her pleasure without any sexual pleasure of my own (except for what caused arousal).
-Displays and symbols of her control became more pronounced and extreme.
After a while we spent a lot less time in normal on mode and the majority of the time in high protocol. This alleviated a bit of the confusion but I wasn't sure if she was still hesitating. Gradually her intensity increased. K had begun to embrace locks over the "honor system" and she would wear the key around her neck sitting just above her cleavage. When she was there and we would sleep she kept my collar chained to the bed post. She had me get a webcam so that she could monitor my time out sessions when we apart. We started talking about getting a cage. The more intense things got, the more excited I became and the deeper my love got for her. A lot of my thought processes were driven with the goal of making her proud of me. I started to feel horrible if I let her down in even the slightest way. This was when I realized just how cathartic punishment was for a sub as a means to atone and wipe the slate clean.
To be continued...
Reflections part 2b: Learning and Training
Continued from part 2. This is sort of the elaborated version of what I wrote in my "How I became a sissy" post. I realize that the previous telling of this has some of the events in a different order and told in a slightly different way. I think I was a bit ashamed and embarrassed when I wrote that and moved them around to make me appear like less of a freak and to improve the flow for its shortened state.
Since we lived a good distance apart, for the next few months we would spend a few days together and a few weeks apart as I finished up my last semester of college and started planning for our future with the idea of me relocating to be with her. Days we weren't together involved lots of phone and chat time.
To say that K took D/s and her role of Domme seriously would be an understatement. Every day my mailbox was full of assignments or things to read. She wanted to know anything and everything about my kinks and fetishes, fantasies, and the like. She would start her training in advance and it would be put into practice when we were together, each time building up the intensity of our relationship. With her as a fledgling Domme and myself as a novice sub, we were growing together in our roles.
"Make a list of 10 hard limits."
"Make a list of 10 soft limits."
"Make a list of 5 fantasies you might like to try sometime."
"Send me 5 pictures that turn you on."
"Find me 5 fiction stories that turn you on."
"Write 250 words daily in a journal about our experiences together."
"Make a list of 5 things you would like to change about yourself."
"Find 5 items at an online store you think would be fun for play."
From her background in the lifestyle, everything was by the book. Acceptable activities known in advance. Limits known in advance. Safe words. Green/Yellow/Red. As I got more comfortable in my role I began to open up more and more about the things that were stirring within me and things got more and more serious. We planned a collaring ceremony. We were wanting to get married.
At first, K kept me naked except for a collar and leather wrist and ankle cuffs. When she was away she had me wear a small bell around my neck 24-7, which I was allowed to keep under my shirt in public. As things went on, I bared all. I told her all the things that would turn me on. In a few short months it turned out I was a pretty kinky boy. Some things were D/s related: collars, cuffs, leashes, hoods, gags, spreader bars, body worship, cunnilingus, speech/eye contact restrictions, etc. Others were a little different, especially in regards to how she dressed: fur, leather, boots, gloves, hats, stockings, bustiers/corsets, etc.
It turns out we were a very good match in these areas. She didn't mind that I wasn't a masochist because she liked that punishments were more pain than pleasure. I asked her if we could get a locking collar and cuffs. K asked me why did they need locks, since she didn't foresee me removing them without permission. I had trouble answering. She asked me if I she ordered some food if I would answer the door wearing them. I told her I thought I would be too embarrassed to do that. She said, "I guess we'll have to get ones that lock." I whispered to her, "Thank you, they would also make me feel like I'm kept only by you and you'll never let me go." K smiled at me.
I still remember how bashful I was, blushing as I admitted to her about being super turned on by a woman in fur. Most of the same clothing turned her on as well and made her feel sexy, but she didn't have a lot of experience with fur. We went right to the store and she bought a fur scarf. It took K about 3 minutes to realize that rubbing it on her breasts, cheeks, and clit was something she really loved, and also teasing me by rubbing my face, nipples, and penis which turned me on quite a bit. During our next apart time K accumulated an entire wardrobe: a leather coat with a huge fur collar and cuffs, some long leather gloves, a couple of fur scarves, several pairs of fur-trimmed boots, a fur hat, fur headband, and some fur-trimmed beanies (she wore beanies a lot). She would send me pics modeling it, letting me know how wet it made her to wear it and loved that it got me super aroused as well. What followed would change things for me forever.
K was very big on people being comfortable with their fetishes. She felt no one should feel embarrassed or ashamed and she wanted me to embrace it all. Our next time together we went out shopping and was absolutely convinced that she would make me comfortable wearing fur. She picked out a biker vest with fur-trimmed arm holes, a collar, and trim at the hem and a leather and fur Attila the Hun type hat and asked me if I would wear them. I said probably not and I would rather spend the money on more things for her. She reminded me she was convinced she would find a way. I mentioned possibly a fur-lined leather jacket and I'm not sure why she rejected that idea, my only guess is that K felt it had to appear noticeably fluffy to count and wanted me comfortable with that.
She began to up the teasing factor, purposefully choosing more feminine items and saying they would look great on me and asking if I would wear them. The worse things got the more embarrassed it made me and eventually I couldn't speak, I would just look at the ground. I got the feeling that K was trying to get me to choose the vest and hat she had picked out earlier. She could tell this was affecting me a bit too intensely and we left it at that for the time being.
A few things to be known about K's style of dominance:
-She valued symbolism. Anything to mark me as hers was something she thought was very special and important and she would search for things that fit this bill.
-She was a fierce micro-manager. Everything required permission. Permission to kneel, permission to stand. Permission to touch her, permission to cum. Permission to go to the bathroom.
-She had a little book and every time I made a mistake she added a mark. Each mark equaled 2 swats. She would choose the time for punishment and would work off the marks with a paddle.
-She was a firm believer in "time out." I didn't have any form of cage at my place so time out was spent with me kneeling in the corner with my hands behind my head. This would last from anywhere from 15 minutes to 4 hours depending upon how disappointed she was.
-"No" was a trigger word to her. "A submissive is never permitted to say 'no,'" she would remind me.
When K was in her domspace, if I let a "no" slip, it unleashed her wrath.
"What did you say to me?" Mark in the book. I remained silent. "What did you say to me?"
"No," Mark in the book.
"No what?" Mark in the book.
"No, Mistress"
"Are you allowed to say that?" Mark in the book. I remained silent. Mark in the book. "What did you say to me?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"I don't think you said that the first time, you're lying to me aren't you?" Ten marks in the book.
"Yes, Mistress, I'm sorry, Mistress."
"Good."
I learned quickly that if I was going to say no to anything, it had better be something really important.
To be continued.
Since we lived a good distance apart, for the next few months we would spend a few days together and a few weeks apart as I finished up my last semester of college and started planning for our future with the idea of me relocating to be with her. Days we weren't together involved lots of phone and chat time.
To say that K took D/s and her role of Domme seriously would be an understatement. Every day my mailbox was full of assignments or things to read. She wanted to know anything and everything about my kinks and fetishes, fantasies, and the like. She would start her training in advance and it would be put into practice when we were together, each time building up the intensity of our relationship. With her as a fledgling Domme and myself as a novice sub, we were growing together in our roles.
"Make a list of 10 hard limits."
"Make a list of 10 soft limits."
"Make a list of 5 fantasies you might like to try sometime."
"Send me 5 pictures that turn you on."
"Find me 5 fiction stories that turn you on."
"Write 250 words daily in a journal about our experiences together."
"Make a list of 5 things you would like to change about yourself."
"Find 5 items at an online store you think would be fun for play."
From her background in the lifestyle, everything was by the book. Acceptable activities known in advance. Limits known in advance. Safe words. Green/Yellow/Red. As I got more comfortable in my role I began to open up more and more about the things that were stirring within me and things got more and more serious. We planned a collaring ceremony. We were wanting to get married.
At first, K kept me naked except for a collar and leather wrist and ankle cuffs. When she was away she had me wear a small bell around my neck 24-7, which I was allowed to keep under my shirt in public. As things went on, I bared all. I told her all the things that would turn me on. In a few short months it turned out I was a pretty kinky boy. Some things were D/s related: collars, cuffs, leashes, hoods, gags, spreader bars, body worship, cunnilingus, speech/eye contact restrictions, etc. Others were a little different, especially in regards to how she dressed: fur, leather, boots, gloves, hats, stockings, bustiers/corsets, etc.
It turns out we were a very good match in these areas. She didn't mind that I wasn't a masochist because she liked that punishments were more pain than pleasure. I asked her if we could get a locking collar and cuffs. K asked me why did they need locks, since she didn't foresee me removing them without permission. I had trouble answering. She asked me if I she ordered some food if I would answer the door wearing them. I told her I thought I would be too embarrassed to do that. She said, "I guess we'll have to get ones that lock." I whispered to her, "Thank you, they would also make me feel like I'm kept only by you and you'll never let me go." K smiled at me.
I still remember how bashful I was, blushing as I admitted to her about being super turned on by a woman in fur. Most of the same clothing turned her on as well and made her feel sexy, but she didn't have a lot of experience with fur. We went right to the store and she bought a fur scarf. It took K about 3 minutes to realize that rubbing it on her breasts, cheeks, and clit was something she really loved, and also teasing me by rubbing my face, nipples, and penis which turned me on quite a bit. During our next apart time K accumulated an entire wardrobe: a leather coat with a huge fur collar and cuffs, some long leather gloves, a couple of fur scarves, several pairs of fur-trimmed boots, a fur hat, fur headband, and some fur-trimmed beanies (she wore beanies a lot). She would send me pics modeling it, letting me know how wet it made her to wear it and loved that it got me super aroused as well. What followed would change things for me forever.
K was very big on people being comfortable with their fetishes. She felt no one should feel embarrassed or ashamed and she wanted me to embrace it all. Our next time together we went out shopping and was absolutely convinced that she would make me comfortable wearing fur. She picked out a biker vest with fur-trimmed arm holes, a collar, and trim at the hem and a leather and fur Attila the Hun type hat and asked me if I would wear them. I said probably not and I would rather spend the money on more things for her. She reminded me she was convinced she would find a way. I mentioned possibly a fur-lined leather jacket and I'm not sure why she rejected that idea, my only guess is that K felt it had to appear noticeably fluffy to count and wanted me comfortable with that.
She began to up the teasing factor, purposefully choosing more feminine items and saying they would look great on me and asking if I would wear them. The worse things got the more embarrassed it made me and eventually I couldn't speak, I would just look at the ground. I got the feeling that K was trying to get me to choose the vest and hat she had picked out earlier. She could tell this was affecting me a bit too intensely and we left it at that for the time being.
A few things to be known about K's style of dominance:
-She valued symbolism. Anything to mark me as hers was something she thought was very special and important and she would search for things that fit this bill.
-She was a fierce micro-manager. Everything required permission. Permission to kneel, permission to stand. Permission to touch her, permission to cum. Permission to go to the bathroom.
-She had a little book and every time I made a mistake she added a mark. Each mark equaled 2 swats. She would choose the time for punishment and would work off the marks with a paddle.
-She was a firm believer in "time out." I didn't have any form of cage at my place so time out was spent with me kneeling in the corner with my hands behind my head. This would last from anywhere from 15 minutes to 4 hours depending upon how disappointed she was.
-"No" was a trigger word to her. "A submissive is never permitted to say 'no,'" she would remind me.
When K was in her domspace, if I let a "no" slip, it unleashed her wrath.
"What did you say to me?" Mark in the book. I remained silent. "What did you say to me?"
"No," Mark in the book.
"No what?" Mark in the book.
"No, Mistress"
"Are you allowed to say that?" Mark in the book. I remained silent. Mark in the book. "What did you say to me?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"I don't think you said that the first time, you're lying to me aren't you?" Ten marks in the book.
"Yes, Mistress, I'm sorry, Mistress."
"Good."
I learned quickly that if I was going to say no to anything, it had better be something really important.
To be continued.
Reflections part 2: the beginning
I attended several colleges in different states, too depressed to focus on career goals, but I knew That college provided the best opportunity to meet someone. I did, indirectly. When you are at a small college with a car, you make lots of friends... and friends of friends. I met K briefly through a friend of a friend. We had some overlapping circles but she wasn't a student at the college so things were fleeting at best. I ran into some financial troubles and had to withdraw from that college and returned to finish up at a state school.
My plan to find love while in college was fading quickly. I had gotten a bit older. My plan to save virginity for marriage began to make me look more like a loser than an honorable guy and only added to my insecurities. Around 8 months after moving, I bumped into K online through some mutual interests. We began chatting without knowing who we were, but after some references, we put 2+2 together and realized we had briefly met. We were just friends. She was having a bit of a rough go of things. I was having a rough go as usual, with a handful of very short lived relationships and failed dating attempts.
Things with K were complicated. We spent several months as friends, chatting online for a few hours a day. Spend enough time with someone and you end up talking about pretty much everything.
I had been set up on a blind date with a classmate's roommate. The woman and I hit it off really well and things went great for about two weeks. She hadn't dated much and I could tell she was hesitating and second guessing a lot of the time. I had given up on holding back so I did my best to make her feel comfortable and cared for. It turns out this had the opposite effect and she felt I was too serious and my feelings were too strong so she abruptly broke it off with no real explanation or chance to talk it out. It fucked me up.
K was my shoulder in its aftermath and it was around this time we began to supplement our chats with many extended phone conversations as well. I explained the whole story and it made her angry at the other woman. We ended up talking a lot about relationships and I told her about how I went about things and how I wanted to make a woman feel. K responded with, "you know, you'd be a perfect submissive." I had spent a few years jerking off to bondage fantasies so this set my mind racing. She went on to explain to me the principles of BDSM and gave me some resources to read with a plan to talk later.
I read them all as well as some other things that probably pushed the envelope a little far (e.g. Elise Sutton's site) but most of it sounded good to me and turned me on quite a bit. "What did you think?" she asked the next time we spoke. "About what?" I replied. "About being a submissive," she countered. I can't remember what I said next but it was something along the lines of "sounds good, it's hot, it turned me on." She was ecstatic and informed me that it was a huge part of her life and she had been holding back from me but now that I had accepted it she could be fully open with me.
K was a very, very, very sexual person. Her ideal was for people to be aroused 24-7. She wasn't a slut or an overt bimbo or anything like that, but she was more the type that could spend the whole day with a remote control butterfly or egg in her panties under her jeans for an entire day and you would never know.
Around this time I got the feeling that K might like me a little bit. I wasn't sure how well a relationship would work long distance and there was another matter I had to consider. K had some major health problems... like really major health problems. It was kind of the elephant in the room. Over the next couple of years she was going to need some major operations done with a chance she would survive and make a good recovery or a larger chance that it was going to kill her. K had basically resigned herself to dying and had given up hope for happiness and this had accelerated her decline in health. K did have her demons. She had been abused physically and sexually and had very poor self-esteem. The men in her life had made her only feel worthwhile if she was pretty. I think we connected pretty deeply because of this as we had experienced similar feelings just for different reasons.
I can say that at the time, my intentions were just to be a good friend and support her as best I could. K continued to drop hints as we continued to talk about BDSM and the like. To be blunt, my mind was a giant fucking mess through it all. I know that I made her feel good and we were spending around 8 hours a day chatting via messenger or on the phone. I made sure she was eating right and taking care of her body. Her medical conditions started improving and her chances of surviving were increasing. By now, a good chunk of our time was spent talking about BDSM.
K had spent 7 years in the lifestyle (starting at age 18) in both switch and sub roles. She had been very active in the local community and was a strong "defender of principles" in that regards. It was very odd to me. She had a stubborn will of iron and was extremely fiery. She would also masturbate at least five times a day. Some things didn't make sense to me. I just couldn't picture her as a submissive with the type of personality she had but I understood it with where her self-esteem had been for most of her life.
K's hints grew progressively less subtle. I was VERY confused and had major reservations on multiple fronts. She was beautiful, way out of my league, was she okay with that? How would a BDSM relationship work with two subs? Could I handle getting into a relationship where there was a good chance she wouldn't last more than two years? Over the next week or two I began to slowly whittle away at those questions. To answer the first question, K had seen me, if she was okay with me as I was, that was good enough for me.
The second one took a bit more trolling. I got the feeling that she may have been hinting that she wanted me to be a switch or a dom. I could never physically hurt a woman... it's just not possible for me (nor does it do anything for me sexually). I asked K if she had ever considered being a Domme. This seemed more likely. From what I knew of her she got very turned on by kink more than just about anything: bondage, spanking, body worship, behavior control, etc. She said she would think about it for a day or two (translation: fantasize and masturbate) and see how she felt and we left that part at that.
This whole time and weeks leading up to it I had been trying to wrap my head around the third question. I knew I was just being a chicken shit by leaving it lingering. She cared about me for how I made her feel and that I was willing to see things through (while others would distance myself). I cared about her too much to let fear of the unknown get in my way and I hardened my resolve. My rationale was basically: If she has a year left, she deserves to be as happy as humanly possible for that year. If she pulls through, great, we can be happy for longer.
The next time we spoke I had already made up my mind. As it turns out, her fantasies about tying someone else up and spanking them got her off just as hard as her sub fantasies and I asked her how she felt about me. K admitted she had loved me for a while but held back since she didn't want to put me in the position where I had to face things. I responded that I would love her through anything and would be by her side no matter what.
We immediately started making plans to make the most of the time we knew we had.
To be continued.
Reflections part 1b: early experiences
Often those of us in D/s look for a giant landmark events that "flipped the switch" and set us down our chosen path. I never really had one of those, but I did have experiences that I would credit with planting the seeds.
I had a sister that was two years older than me. Most of her friends had parents who were also friends and so they had a decent carpool network set up. As a result, when she would have friends over she would usually have 2-3 at a time. One of her friends, who I shall call M, was fairly special to me. Things probably started when I was around age 8 or so, but I can't remember for sure.
M was very pretty. She was athletic and a little bit of a tomboy. When she was over I would often end up with them either by me being bored and an annoying little brother or due to them invading my space. I would often spend time in our basement where it was the coolest. While M was a part of the crowd, she was a bit more independent. Often she would bring up something to do and she was less susceptible to just blindly following what was happening if it wasn't of any interest to her.
The first seed happened one winter when I was in our basement and M, my sister, and another friend came down and M told me to play cops and robbers with them. I was a bit of a brat and told her I didn't want to. I had outgrown playing that around age 5-6 and thought it was a bit strange that 10 year-olds wanted to play it. She insisted and I finally agreed. We basically played a glorified game of hide and seek where two people hid, 2 people searched, and if you were "caught," you got taken to the base, which was under a table in our basement. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into hiding and she found me in about two minutes.
M grabbed my hands and told me I was caught and had to come to the base. I struggled against her but being as I was a bit small and she was rather developed for her age, she was able to overpower me and drag me there. They had brought their coats and things down to the basement. M retrieved their scarves and proceeded to tie my wrists and ankles together. I protested and struggled but she pinned me down and said, "this is your jail and you're the prisoner." Each time I spoke she would shush me and tell me that prisoners weren't allowed to talk and each time I struggled she would tighten her grip on me and hold me down harder.
We just lied there under the table without speaking, her grip never loosening on my arms. It's tough to gauge the passing of time as a child, but it seemed like forever (it was probably for about 45 minutes). The others never returned (I would assume they thought playing cops and robbers was dumb as well) and eventually she got bored. M untied me and left to go find the others.
Similar situations happened several times that winter as well as the winters to follow. When it was nice outside they were mostly outside so it was only during the winter that M would seek me out. The situations would sometimes change a little bit (e.g. the number of friends that were over, if the others pretended to play or not, if the others stayed in the room or left us by ourselves, etc.).
The next time we "played" it was 3 cops with me as the lone robber, although M was the only one who was actually playing and I would reluctantly play her victim. The main thing that evolved was M's bondage. After a single failed attempt to tie my wrists to the legs of the table, it didn't take long before she was wanting to tie my hands behind my back instead of in front, and she flipped me onto my stomach and sat on my back. When I protested, M reminded me that prisoners weren't allowed to talk and then tied a scarf over my face, knotting it behind my head, saying "when this is over your mouth, you can't talk."
M seemed to get more creative the more friends that were over at once since she made full use of their available winter clothes to bind me. She began to tie my legs together with one scarf around the ankles and another around my knees. The first time M did this she pulled me up and wanted me to hop around for her before tackling me and holding me down. I always offered some form of resistance and she usually found some solution to counter it. When I tried untying the scarf around my wrists, she would put mittens on my hands and then tie them tighter. A time when M ran out of scarves after tying up my legs and hands I began to speak. She seemed stumped for a second but then grabbed her stocking cap and pulled it down over my head until it covered my face. M said "now you can't see and can't speak." I replied with a smart-ass comment that I could still see through the hat and it wasn't a scarf so I could still speak. She commanded me to wait there and she returned a couple of minutes later with a scarf that she had found in our closet and wrapped it over my face and mouth before tying it off so that I really couldn't see.
At the time, I had no clue why she did this and while I claimed it bugged me, I came to count on her spending time with me to counter some of my loneliness (my friends all lived 10+ miles away so if it wasn't planned well in advance, I was by myself). Our play continued over several years. She hit puberty early and really began to develop. They were also becoming teens and began dressing differently, wearing perfume and make-up, and the like. I was still in a "girls are gross" phase but I really liked M as a friend and went along with things and she now stood over a foot taller than me and outweighed me by quite a bit.
The pinnacle happened one winter when my sister had four friends over at once. They did their usual and dropped off all of their stuff in the basement and M got right to things. I think she must have planned things out in her head but she didn't even have me hide. M left me standing up and tied my ankles and knees together with scarves and then started to bind my hands in front of me. M stopped, retrieved a pair of mittens and pulled them onto my hands, but she put them on the wrong hands so that the thumbs faced outwards and all 5 of my fingers were lumped together. She gave them a slight tug and then rebound my hands in front of me. One of my sister's friends had a heavy parka. M picked it up and put it on me backwards, draping the shoulders over me so that my arms weren't in the sleeves. She spun me around and zipped it up my back to the top, pulled the hood up over my face, and pulled the drawstrings as tight as she could before tying them off. My arms were pinned to my sides, I couldn't see anything, and I had to hop to move. As usual, M stayed silent and she nudged me onto the couch before moving me onto the floor and dragged me under the table.
"I can't breathe," I yelled. "You'll be fine," she replied. "I can't breathe," I repeated. She let out a sigh and undid the hood, pulling me onto my knees. M then pulled a hat over my face and layered a scarf over the eyes and mouth, indicating I wasn't supposed to speak. "You'll be fine," she whispered and pulled the hood back up over my face and pulled it even tighter. I started to struggle by gyrating, trying to get my hands free or slip down into the coat, my breath was heaving. I felt something wrap around my body several times and then tighten, pinning my arms even closer to my sides and removing any wiggle room. I then felt more layers being wrapped around my head and face, over and over before being pulled snug. M guided me to the floor and we lied down. I couldn't see. I couldn't move. I could barely hear. My face was burning hot and my breath was hot and heavy.
I felt M tug at the back layers of whatever was over the hood. She pulled it and fidgeted with it for about a minute before retying it. I felt her lift my head and layers being added around my neck and then she slid me a few inches and she tied the other end to the leg of the table. When she finished, I felt M lie down next to me and we stayed that way for a few minutes. Without speaking, she slowly undid everything, told me she was going to see what the others were up to, and left the room (I was later chewed out by my sister for wearing her friend's coat).
We never again went that far but things still happened as time went on. Around the time she was 13 and I was 11, M began to stop using scarves to bind me but instead preferred to pin me down and just hold each wrist with her hands. I was just starting to know how pretty she was and how much I liked her smell. I grew to realize that the scarf and hat she had been using over my face had been hers. I recognized the smell. I was still immature and had no idea what to make of any of this, but she had become a lot more overt with verbal teasing and playful flirting.
My first contact-induced erection happened somewhere in the realm of 11 or 12 when she had pinned me down and mounted me cowgirl style. I'm guessing she must have felt it because she never did it again after that (I was too dense to realize that I had gotten turned on by it). When I first saw this picture it reminded me heavily of her:
Within a year, my parents got divorced, my life fell apart, and I morphed into an angry ball of rage, self-hatred, and confusion which lasted for several years. We never again spent time together in a private setting, but looking back, M was quite a little Domme in the making.
A few years later I began spending a lot of time at clubs downtown in the warehouse district (starting at age 16) and/or hanging out at late night coffee houses in the artsy areas of the city. I ran into M and her older sister (who was 5 years older than me) a few times out there and saw her sister out at clubs fairly regularly for the next couple of years. I didn't know it at the time, but I'd bet my left nut that M's older sister was a Domme based upon how she dressed. If that's true, it must have run in the family.
I will note, that I didn't even remember my experiences with M until a few years ago. I have a pretty big mental block over my youth and I didn't recover those memories for a very long time, nor was I aware of them when I got into the lifestyle. I do believe this was the start of my bondage fetish and interest in femdom.
On a side note, my love for the touch of fur is explained pretty easily. When I was an infant I would rub my face against bottom of the crib, playpen, carpet, etc. until the skin was raw. In order to combat this my mother would put certain things at the bottom that were soft and would reduce this. Included in these were a silk blanket, some rabbit fur pelts and the like. I have continued to enjoy the touch of these for the rest of my life but this is a lot less interesting a story than M.
To be continued.
I had a sister that was two years older than me. Most of her friends had parents who were also friends and so they had a decent carpool network set up. As a result, when she would have friends over she would usually have 2-3 at a time. One of her friends, who I shall call M, was fairly special to me. Things probably started when I was around age 8 or so, but I can't remember for sure.
M was very pretty. She was athletic and a little bit of a tomboy. When she was over I would often end up with them either by me being bored and an annoying little brother or due to them invading my space. I would often spend time in our basement where it was the coolest. While M was a part of the crowd, she was a bit more independent. Often she would bring up something to do and she was less susceptible to just blindly following what was happening if it wasn't of any interest to her.
The first seed happened one winter when I was in our basement and M, my sister, and another friend came down and M told me to play cops and robbers with them. I was a bit of a brat and told her I didn't want to. I had outgrown playing that around age 5-6 and thought it was a bit strange that 10 year-olds wanted to play it. She insisted and I finally agreed. We basically played a glorified game of hide and seek where two people hid, 2 people searched, and if you were "caught," you got taken to the base, which was under a table in our basement. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into hiding and she found me in about two minutes.
M grabbed my hands and told me I was caught and had to come to the base. I struggled against her but being as I was a bit small and she was rather developed for her age, she was able to overpower me and drag me there. They had brought their coats and things down to the basement. M retrieved their scarves and proceeded to tie my wrists and ankles together. I protested and struggled but she pinned me down and said, "this is your jail and you're the prisoner." Each time I spoke she would shush me and tell me that prisoners weren't allowed to talk and each time I struggled she would tighten her grip on me and hold me down harder.
We just lied there under the table without speaking, her grip never loosening on my arms. It's tough to gauge the passing of time as a child, but it seemed like forever (it was probably for about 45 minutes). The others never returned (I would assume they thought playing cops and robbers was dumb as well) and eventually she got bored. M untied me and left to go find the others.
Similar situations happened several times that winter as well as the winters to follow. When it was nice outside they were mostly outside so it was only during the winter that M would seek me out. The situations would sometimes change a little bit (e.g. the number of friends that were over, if the others pretended to play or not, if the others stayed in the room or left us by ourselves, etc.).
The next time we "played" it was 3 cops with me as the lone robber, although M was the only one who was actually playing and I would reluctantly play her victim. The main thing that evolved was M's bondage. After a single failed attempt to tie my wrists to the legs of the table, it didn't take long before she was wanting to tie my hands behind my back instead of in front, and she flipped me onto my stomach and sat on my back. When I protested, M reminded me that prisoners weren't allowed to talk and then tied a scarf over my face, knotting it behind my head, saying "when this is over your mouth, you can't talk."
M seemed to get more creative the more friends that were over at once since she made full use of their available winter clothes to bind me. She began to tie my legs together with one scarf around the ankles and another around my knees. The first time M did this she pulled me up and wanted me to hop around for her before tackling me and holding me down. I always offered some form of resistance and she usually found some solution to counter it. When I tried untying the scarf around my wrists, she would put mittens on my hands and then tie them tighter. A time when M ran out of scarves after tying up my legs and hands I began to speak. She seemed stumped for a second but then grabbed her stocking cap and pulled it down over my head until it covered my face. M said "now you can't see and can't speak." I replied with a smart-ass comment that I could still see through the hat and it wasn't a scarf so I could still speak. She commanded me to wait there and she returned a couple of minutes later with a scarf that she had found in our closet and wrapped it over my face and mouth before tying it off so that I really couldn't see.
At the time, I had no clue why she did this and while I claimed it bugged me, I came to count on her spending time with me to counter some of my loneliness (my friends all lived 10+ miles away so if it wasn't planned well in advance, I was by myself). Our play continued over several years. She hit puberty early and really began to develop. They were also becoming teens and began dressing differently, wearing perfume and make-up, and the like. I was still in a "girls are gross" phase but I really liked M as a friend and went along with things and she now stood over a foot taller than me and outweighed me by quite a bit.
The pinnacle happened one winter when my sister had four friends over at once. They did their usual and dropped off all of their stuff in the basement and M got right to things. I think she must have planned things out in her head but she didn't even have me hide. M left me standing up and tied my ankles and knees together with scarves and then started to bind my hands in front of me. M stopped, retrieved a pair of mittens and pulled them onto my hands, but she put them on the wrong hands so that the thumbs faced outwards and all 5 of my fingers were lumped together. She gave them a slight tug and then rebound my hands in front of me. One of my sister's friends had a heavy parka. M picked it up and put it on me backwards, draping the shoulders over me so that my arms weren't in the sleeves. She spun me around and zipped it up my back to the top, pulled the hood up over my face, and pulled the drawstrings as tight as she could before tying them off. My arms were pinned to my sides, I couldn't see anything, and I had to hop to move. As usual, M stayed silent and she nudged me onto the couch before moving me onto the floor and dragged me under the table.
"I can't breathe," I yelled. "You'll be fine," she replied. "I can't breathe," I repeated. She let out a sigh and undid the hood, pulling me onto my knees. M then pulled a hat over my face and layered a scarf over the eyes and mouth, indicating I wasn't supposed to speak. "You'll be fine," she whispered and pulled the hood back up over my face and pulled it even tighter. I started to struggle by gyrating, trying to get my hands free or slip down into the coat, my breath was heaving. I felt something wrap around my body several times and then tighten, pinning my arms even closer to my sides and removing any wiggle room. I then felt more layers being wrapped around my head and face, over and over before being pulled snug. M guided me to the floor and we lied down. I couldn't see. I couldn't move. I could barely hear. My face was burning hot and my breath was hot and heavy.
I felt M tug at the back layers of whatever was over the hood. She pulled it and fidgeted with it for about a minute before retying it. I felt her lift my head and layers being added around my neck and then she slid me a few inches and she tied the other end to the leg of the table. When she finished, I felt M lie down next to me and we stayed that way for a few minutes. Without speaking, she slowly undid everything, told me she was going to see what the others were up to, and left the room (I was later chewed out by my sister for wearing her friend's coat).
We never again went that far but things still happened as time went on. Around the time she was 13 and I was 11, M began to stop using scarves to bind me but instead preferred to pin me down and just hold each wrist with her hands. I was just starting to know how pretty she was and how much I liked her smell. I grew to realize that the scarf and hat she had been using over my face had been hers. I recognized the smell. I was still immature and had no idea what to make of any of this, but she had become a lot more overt with verbal teasing and playful flirting.
My first contact-induced erection happened somewhere in the realm of 11 or 12 when she had pinned me down and mounted me cowgirl style. I'm guessing she must have felt it because she never did it again after that (I was too dense to realize that I had gotten turned on by it). When I first saw this picture it reminded me heavily of her:
Within a year, my parents got divorced, my life fell apart, and I morphed into an angry ball of rage, self-hatred, and confusion which lasted for several years. We never again spent time together in a private setting, but looking back, M was quite a little Domme in the making.
A few years later I began spending a lot of time at clubs downtown in the warehouse district (starting at age 16) and/or hanging out at late night coffee houses in the artsy areas of the city. I ran into M and her older sister (who was 5 years older than me) a few times out there and saw her sister out at clubs fairly regularly for the next couple of years. I didn't know it at the time, but I'd bet my left nut that M's older sister was a Domme based upon how she dressed. If that's true, it must have run in the family.
I will note, that I didn't even remember my experiences with M until a few years ago. I have a pretty big mental block over my youth and I didn't recover those memories for a very long time, nor was I aware of them when I got into the lifestyle. I do believe this was the start of my bondage fetish and interest in femdom.
On a side note, my love for the touch of fur is explained pretty easily. When I was an infant I would rub my face against bottom of the crib, playpen, carpet, etc. until the skin was raw. In order to combat this my mother would put certain things at the bottom that were soft and would reduce this. Included in these were a silk blanket, some rabbit fur pelts and the like. I have continued to enjoy the touch of these for the rest of my life but this is a lot less interesting a story than M.
To be continued.
Reflecting upon the past part 1: background
Lady Grey's suggestion to write from a more personal standpoint has gotten me thinking about the past. The natural place to start would be at the beginning. In most of my previous writings I have often just covered an abbreviated versions of events, some that happened gradually over the course of an extended period of time. I will try to flush them out in some greater deal.
The benefit of hindsight has given a greater sense of clarity on a lot of things, especially now that I am able to better understand what went on internally during those times.
Think of this first as sort of a prologue. Nothing really interesting unless you want to know what makes me tick.
First off, I think I have to note that my greatest dream was to be loved. While my peers were focused upon being lawyers, architects, etc., I simply wanted to be with someone that I loved who loved me too. I knew many who took things for granted, that life, love, and family would just happen and hey never pictured a future without it. I was broken at a very young age through abuses and betrayals that shattered my sense of self worth. I felt useless unless I was meeting other's expectations but I was capable enough to meet or exceed them.
My mother was very focused upon appearances. I was allowed a bit of freedom but for the most part, there was a script to be followed and I was constantly self-conscious when I didn't fit the mold that was set out for me. My father was extremely passive-aggressive and would keep things bottled up until it would violently explode with me on the receiving end. I learned that I had to choose between his expectations or a beating.
I never felt safe in my own skin. I never had the security of someone just accepting my love and giving love in return. Love from family was something that had to be earned.
Due to some After School Special caliber events that happened in my school district while I was in Jr High and the multi-million dollar lawsuit that followed, our schools cracked down on the majority of juvenile forms of flirting and the like. There ended up being a 3 year group of people who experienced that and pretty much never learned to date by traditional means. You basically got to know someone, then decided if dating was possible vs. the dating to get to know someone with romantic intentions already known. It was a bit ass-backwards and ended up affecting me for a very long time.
With girls, I was rejected and heart broken many times over, almost always due to my physical appearance. I am short, stocky, and not handsome, and to top it off, a minority that was living in a 99% white area. I was often used as a means of self-esteem rebuilding, forever trapped in the friend zone, I was the one called upon by girls to make them feel good about themselves. I was a very supportive good friend who could give sound advice and knew how to lift their spirits. Once their self-esteem was replenished, I became unnecessary and was cast aside.
Rather than giving up, I used these failings as a motivation to change myself. I wished to become someone that was so perfect and proficient as a lover/partner that someone could see what I had to offer and cherish that. By my early 20's I was able to actualize that state of being: sensitive, caring, unselfish, attentive, empathic, sympathetic, complimentary, and devoted. No one seemed to care.
I was always a bit artsy and by this time I was a musician, poet, appreciative of art and cinema, fairly well-read/literary, had a good sense of humor, and had a firm grasp of politics and current events. Basically, I was very good company but it always ended the same: they weren't physically attracted to me. Later on I found that I would have had many more chances but my "getting to know them first" route ended up turning me into a non-romantic entity.
Basically, there isn't a lot here to have drawn me to the D/s lifestyle, but the groundwork was set for me to embrace it. I had naturally molded myself into a functional submissive.
To Be Continued in part 1b.
The benefit of hindsight has given a greater sense of clarity on a lot of things, especially now that I am able to better understand what went on internally during those times.
Think of this first as sort of a prologue. Nothing really interesting unless you want to know what makes me tick.
First off, I think I have to note that my greatest dream was to be loved. While my peers were focused upon being lawyers, architects, etc., I simply wanted to be with someone that I loved who loved me too. I knew many who took things for granted, that life, love, and family would just happen and hey never pictured a future without it. I was broken at a very young age through abuses and betrayals that shattered my sense of self worth. I felt useless unless I was meeting other's expectations but I was capable enough to meet or exceed them.
My mother was very focused upon appearances. I was allowed a bit of freedom but for the most part, there was a script to be followed and I was constantly self-conscious when I didn't fit the mold that was set out for me. My father was extremely passive-aggressive and would keep things bottled up until it would violently explode with me on the receiving end. I learned that I had to choose between his expectations or a beating.
I never felt safe in my own skin. I never had the security of someone just accepting my love and giving love in return. Love from family was something that had to be earned.
Due to some After School Special caliber events that happened in my school district while I was in Jr High and the multi-million dollar lawsuit that followed, our schools cracked down on the majority of juvenile forms of flirting and the like. There ended up being a 3 year group of people who experienced that and pretty much never learned to date by traditional means. You basically got to know someone, then decided if dating was possible vs. the dating to get to know someone with romantic intentions already known. It was a bit ass-backwards and ended up affecting me for a very long time.
With girls, I was rejected and heart broken many times over, almost always due to my physical appearance. I am short, stocky, and not handsome, and to top it off, a minority that was living in a 99% white area. I was often used as a means of self-esteem rebuilding, forever trapped in the friend zone, I was the one called upon by girls to make them feel good about themselves. I was a very supportive good friend who could give sound advice and knew how to lift their spirits. Once their self-esteem was replenished, I became unnecessary and was cast aside.
Rather than giving up, I used these failings as a motivation to change myself. I wished to become someone that was so perfect and proficient as a lover/partner that someone could see what I had to offer and cherish that. By my early 20's I was able to actualize that state of being: sensitive, caring, unselfish, attentive, empathic, sympathetic, complimentary, and devoted. No one seemed to care.
I was always a bit artsy and by this time I was a musician, poet, appreciative of art and cinema, fairly well-read/literary, had a good sense of humor, and had a firm grasp of politics and current events. Basically, I was very good company but it always ended the same: they weren't physically attracted to me. Later on I found that I would have had many more chances but my "getting to know them first" route ended up turning me into a non-romantic entity.
Basically, there isn't a lot here to have drawn me to the D/s lifestyle, but the groundwork was set for me to embrace it. I had naturally molded myself into a functional submissive.
To Be Continued in part 1b.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Why I'm struggling to draw
I know there are people out there that could care less what I write but would like to see more drawings...
A good part of this stems from the same reasons I struggle to write. I just don't have a lot of inspiration to draw from. I have at least a dozen unfinished drawings that never got completed and I'm not really motivated enough to finish them.
Another large part is that I'm just not competent enough to really draw what I would like to... the fantasies that I could bring to life.
I am not an artist. I was raised in an environment where protecting my GPA meant more than being able to explore any field that I didn't already display a natural talent/ability for. I've always wanted to be able to draw, I'm just terrible at it.
What I am able to accomplish is by taking advantage of digital tools and existing pictures to create something that can work as something new. It's usually pretty obvious which part of my drawings were done through free hand interpretation instead of from a model... they generally look significantly worse in their quality, detail, shading, etc.
Another block on drawing for me is that I have experimented with more traditional methods over the past couple of years and... I'm terrible at them. There's a lot of tricks and understanding that people develop over years of experience that I just don't have and I get frustrated when it doesn't come together how I want it to.
One of the biggest hurdles is time. Based upon tutorials I've seen from people who produce very high quality drawings, it involves multiple stages of building skeletons, rough sketches, a clean up phase, finishing the defined line art, shading/coloring, etc. that I'm guessing take many hours. 99% of my drawings I finish in one sitting (1-5 hours). This is heavily due to the fact that, well, I get aroused drawing a fantasy. If something happens that causes me to lose my arousal (run out of time, have to leave, etc.) it becomes nearly impossible for me to finish it with the same type of drive/motivation that I had when I started it. It's sort of pathetic, but it's true.
As for the process I use, when I explain it to people it's the equivalent of tracing parts of a picture, cutting out shapes of colored construction paper, and placing the cut paper in layers to form a completed picture. At the end I will spend some time (or sometimes I won't...) adding in shading and lighting details. On the upside, I am able to Frankenstein together pieces of different pictures if I want a certain facial expression, posture, etc. On the downside, it does nothing to improve my abilities and sometimes I even hesitate to call them drawings since they are probably closer to traced collage work.
Here is an example of the process:
A good part of this stems from the same reasons I struggle to write. I just don't have a lot of inspiration to draw from. I have at least a dozen unfinished drawings that never got completed and I'm not really motivated enough to finish them.
Another large part is that I'm just not competent enough to really draw what I would like to... the fantasies that I could bring to life.
I am not an artist. I was raised in an environment where protecting my GPA meant more than being able to explore any field that I didn't already display a natural talent/ability for. I've always wanted to be able to draw, I'm just terrible at it.
What I am able to accomplish is by taking advantage of digital tools and existing pictures to create something that can work as something new. It's usually pretty obvious which part of my drawings were done through free hand interpretation instead of from a model... they generally look significantly worse in their quality, detail, shading, etc.
Another block on drawing for me is that I have experimented with more traditional methods over the past couple of years and... I'm terrible at them. There's a lot of tricks and understanding that people develop over years of experience that I just don't have and I get frustrated when it doesn't come together how I want it to.
One of the biggest hurdles is time. Based upon tutorials I've seen from people who produce very high quality drawings, it involves multiple stages of building skeletons, rough sketches, a clean up phase, finishing the defined line art, shading/coloring, etc. that I'm guessing take many hours. 99% of my drawings I finish in one sitting (1-5 hours). This is heavily due to the fact that, well, I get aroused drawing a fantasy. If something happens that causes me to lose my arousal (run out of time, have to leave, etc.) it becomes nearly impossible for me to finish it with the same type of drive/motivation that I had when I started it. It's sort of pathetic, but it's true.
As for the process I use, when I explain it to people it's the equivalent of tracing parts of a picture, cutting out shapes of colored construction paper, and placing the cut paper in layers to form a completed picture. At the end I will spend some time (or sometimes I won't...) adding in shading and lighting details. On the upside, I am able to Frankenstein together pieces of different pictures if I want a certain facial expression, posture, etc. On the downside, it does nothing to improve my abilities and sometimes I even hesitate to call them drawings since they are probably closer to traced collage work.
Here is an example of the process:
Why I'm struggling to write
Over the past year I haven't written much. I have tried on several occasions to write just to keep things going but I've usually deleted the drafts before posting them live.
I've really started to hate what I write lately. I seem to be rehashing the same things over and over (albeit the posts may be years apart) and when I do write something, I feel like I'm coming off as some sort of obnoxious know it all.
A few years ago I found it easy to write. D/s was a more regular part of my life and I was in contact with a good number of people both through the internet (email, blogs, messenger) as well as in real life that shared similar interests. There was plenty of inspiration to go around and numerous conversations to give me ideas. Without that contact I find it incredibly difficult to come up with anything new.
If anyone has any questions, ideas, or thoughts they would like me to explore, please let me know.
I've really started to hate what I write lately. I seem to be rehashing the same things over and over (albeit the posts may be years apart) and when I do write something, I feel like I'm coming off as some sort of obnoxious know it all.
A few years ago I found it easy to write. D/s was a more regular part of my life and I was in contact with a good number of people both through the internet (email, blogs, messenger) as well as in real life that shared similar interests. There was plenty of inspiration to go around and numerous conversations to give me ideas. Without that contact I find it incredibly difficult to come up with anything new.
If anyone has any questions, ideas, or thoughts they would like me to explore, please let me know.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Femininity and Feminization
*NOTE: I wrote this a while ago and wasn't going to post it but I decided to post it anyways.*
Over the years it has become apparent to me just how different the fetishes are among those that would classify themselves as "sissies." The roots that drive this lifestyle are so diverse that it can easily lead to a sense of isolation, e.g. I am the only one out there that is wired this way.
While writing this I do not mean to reject differing views on this subject, these are simply my own personal views, and where my type of "sissy" comes from.
I applaud femininity and I adore womanhood. I believe that women are the greatest treasure in this world. I love that women are beatiful. I love that women are sensual. I love their emotional connection to their sexuality. I love their strength and the depth of their instincts.
I am not a woman. I do not deserve to be cherished as one, nor will altering my appearance make me so. I exist to be the one that serves her. I am here to elevate her to the pedestal she deserves and make her dreams and fantasies a reality. If I aspired to be a woman I would have forgotten my place in the natural order of my world. To be blunt, if I attempted to become passable as a woman, it would feel like an insult to women.
If this is how I see things, why do I find feminization humiliating?
Femininity is a rather vague concept in itself. There are characteristics that are naturally feminine, that is, they exist in all women, and there are chatacteristics that are culturally feminine, which are society's projections for their idealized woman. While women currently weild more power and independence now than at most times in recorded history, there are still notions of cultural feminity that extend back over the past thousand years that didn't really begin to recede until a handful of landmark events occurred in the 20th century that have slowly eroded archaeic stereotypes.
The modern woman chooses to lead or follow. The culturally feminine woman would only follow and submit. I believe this is the great dividing line. Thus, humiling feminization is the process of imparting cultural femininity onto a male. Fetish fantasies of feminization usually highlight this cultural femininity:
Pink is just a color. Pink being feminine is a cultural projection.
Panties are just an undergarment and not that different from briefs.
Dresses became a standard to promote clothing for easy access procreation and became considered feminine.
With this in mind, the humiliation of forced feminization hits on several levels:
-It strips away cultural masculinity causing a loss of self-identity.
-It reinforces the culturally feminine characteristics of docile, gentile, and submissive behavior.
-It creates a sense of shame by pushing you outside the norm of "socially accepted behavior."
-It opens up ridicule by making you "obviously different" on a superficial physical level.
-It inspires awkwardness through being "like a woman" while remaining undeserving of being a woman.
-It reinforces the power structure of the relationship: I would not have chosen to be this way.
-I have been sexually conditioned to respond to this.
I guess an easy way to summarize things is that my forced feminization fetish thrives on contrast: the mixing of what I am and what I'm not. Injecting doses of cultural femininity and withholding natural femininity, all while maintaining some natural masculinity (flat chest, penis, etc.).
Over the years it has become apparent to me just how different the fetishes are among those that would classify themselves as "sissies." The roots that drive this lifestyle are so diverse that it can easily lead to a sense of isolation, e.g. I am the only one out there that is wired this way.
While writing this I do not mean to reject differing views on this subject, these are simply my own personal views, and where my type of "sissy" comes from.
I applaud femininity and I adore womanhood. I believe that women are the greatest treasure in this world. I love that women are beatiful. I love that women are sensual. I love their emotional connection to their sexuality. I love their strength and the depth of their instincts.
I am not a woman. I do not deserve to be cherished as one, nor will altering my appearance make me so. I exist to be the one that serves her. I am here to elevate her to the pedestal she deserves and make her dreams and fantasies a reality. If I aspired to be a woman I would have forgotten my place in the natural order of my world. To be blunt, if I attempted to become passable as a woman, it would feel like an insult to women.
If this is how I see things, why do I find feminization humiliating?
Femininity is a rather vague concept in itself. There are characteristics that are naturally feminine, that is, they exist in all women, and there are chatacteristics that are culturally feminine, which are society's projections for their idealized woman. While women currently weild more power and independence now than at most times in recorded history, there are still notions of cultural feminity that extend back over the past thousand years that didn't really begin to recede until a handful of landmark events occurred in the 20th century that have slowly eroded archaeic stereotypes.
The modern woman chooses to lead or follow. The culturally feminine woman would only follow and submit. I believe this is the great dividing line. Thus, humiling feminization is the process of imparting cultural femininity onto a male. Fetish fantasies of feminization usually highlight this cultural femininity:
Pink is just a color. Pink being feminine is a cultural projection.
Panties are just an undergarment and not that different from briefs.
Dresses became a standard to promote clothing for easy access procreation and became considered feminine.
With this in mind, the humiliation of forced feminization hits on several levels:
-It strips away cultural masculinity causing a loss of self-identity.
-It reinforces the culturally feminine characteristics of docile, gentile, and submissive behavior.
-It creates a sense of shame by pushing you outside the norm of "socially accepted behavior."
-It opens up ridicule by making you "obviously different" on a superficial physical level.
-It inspires awkwardness through being "like a woman" while remaining undeserving of being a woman.
-It reinforces the power structure of the relationship: I would not have chosen to be this way.
-I have been sexually conditioned to respond to this.
I guess an easy way to summarize things is that my forced feminization fetish thrives on contrast: the mixing of what I am and what I'm not. Injecting doses of cultural femininity and withholding natural femininity, all while maintaining some natural masculinity (flat chest, penis, etc.).
Reaching the Deep End
The ebb and flow of D/s growth is really quite fascinating.
male subs tend to foray into this lifestyle with years of developed fantasy and fetishes under their belt while Dommes often progress more slowly, dabbling in roleplay and gradually dialing up the intensity as her confidence grows.
The Dommes I have known over the years have often had a lot of fear inhibiting them during their developmental stages. This was often due to experiences with selfish subs that attempt to top from the bottom and/or refuse to participate in activities that aren't part of their fantasies. I think from a psychological standpoint it's easier for novice subs to embrace their role since many submissive characteristics are often positive for fostering relationships: being attentive to your partner's needs, making personal sacrifices for her happiness, giving up control to a stronger will, etc. On the other hand, novice Dommes are often haunted by dominant characteristics that appear negative out of context: being demanding, self-centered desires, cruel, etc.
Basically, it's harder for a Domme to be comfortable with her place in a D/s relationship than a sub. Early in, a sub is more likely to think, "this gets me off so I'm okay with it," while the Domme may be trapped by thoughts closer to "It gets me off to be horrible to another person, I must be fucked up." This is why it is crucial for fledgling Dommes to have early positive experiences in D/s or her confidence may be badly hurt and her desires buried. It's tough for her to feel dominant when she's afraid of making mistakes and unsure of how to go about things.
A sub will hit their confidence plateau early. If they can meet their Domme's sexual and D/s needs, the sub will feel comfortable and confident and there's a good chance that their interactions will at least somewhat resemble the sub's fantasies. A Domme will hit their confidence plateau much later on. It will probably take years of successful interaction with consistent sub(s) while developing new physical and psychological skill sets that allow her to feel natural in her role.
This is where the paths diverge most significantly. For Dommes, this plateau is very temporary and serves as a launching pad for her growth. She knows she deserves to get what she wants, she is confident in how to go about it, she may stumble here and there but understands this is part of the process. It is now where she can recognize her dominant hunger and is comfortable feeding it, confident in her sub's devotion and her ability to make things happen. From here she starts to press onward, following ideas and inspiration that may have piqued her curiosity or turned her on thinking about it.
A sub will usually roll with many of the new ideas she wishes to introduce as new and unexplored territory can be exciting for both parties. However, it is almost inevitable that eventually something will be introduced that will cause a drastic change and tear the sub from their comfort zone. They change the rules of the game. If it is part of the sub's fantasy, the sub will jump right in. If it is something the sub deems unpleasant, the sub will channel their inner used car salesman and spew a mountain of bullshit, explaining how it's better for the relationship to avoid doing it. Even introducing the idea will rattle his confidence and fear and doubt will cloud his psyche.
If the basics of BDSM are bondage and spankings, these new events are usually more psychologically intense requiring greater levels of submission and dominance to sustain them. Some examples might include chastity, cuckolding, branding, piercing, TPE, forced feminization, etc.
At this point, if the Domme caves to the sub's wishes without even giving it a try, that likely signifies the end of her dominant growth and the dynamic will remain stagnant for the duration of the relationship.
If she forces her will upon him or is able to convince him to give it a try, her growth will likely never stop. An event of this nature signifies the first time that the sub's will is truly broken. This firmly establishes a Domme's confidence and makes it more likely she will escalate the intensity over time. Also, once his will has been broken, it will be more easily broken again and again until he no longer offers any resistance to "game changing" activities or dynamics.
Once the sub's will has been completely broken, his confidence returns since his confidence will be solely based around his ability to please her and he will find him adaptable enough to please her in nearly any situation. At this point, the sub has basically given the green light for whatever she might wish for.
As a Domme realizes this, it may rattle her a little bit. I believe (although I could be mistaken) that many Dommes place a bit of a limiter on themselves when it comes to D/s, that is, there's a separation in what they WOULD do vs. what they SHOULD do based upon the sub's feelings. When that limiter is removed, she is the only one who can police her own actions and for the first time in a while she may doubt herself again, e.g. if something happens that can seriously damage the relationship, it's all her fault.
I believe this fear should exist, albeit being a little bit unfair as it's a rather heavy burden to carry, but it is something that should be respected in any case. I fully believe that for a relationship that has reached this point, the Domme will be very aware of the handful of actions that would probably damage the sub beyond repair and be able to steer clear of those actions.
On the flip side, I think the depth of a sub's love towards the Domme that has broken him is very great. 99% of the time, he will easily forgive her if something goes well beyond his limits. The remaining 1% are probably limited to those handful of actions the Domme is aware of and have likely been talked about since early on in the relationship.
male subs tend to foray into this lifestyle with years of developed fantasy and fetishes under their belt while Dommes often progress more slowly, dabbling in roleplay and gradually dialing up the intensity as her confidence grows.
The Dommes I have known over the years have often had a lot of fear inhibiting them during their developmental stages. This was often due to experiences with selfish subs that attempt to top from the bottom and/or refuse to participate in activities that aren't part of their fantasies. I think from a psychological standpoint it's easier for novice subs to embrace their role since many submissive characteristics are often positive for fostering relationships: being attentive to your partner's needs, making personal sacrifices for her happiness, giving up control to a stronger will, etc. On the other hand, novice Dommes are often haunted by dominant characteristics that appear negative out of context: being demanding, self-centered desires, cruel, etc.
Basically, it's harder for a Domme to be comfortable with her place in a D/s relationship than a sub. Early in, a sub is more likely to think, "this gets me off so I'm okay with it," while the Domme may be trapped by thoughts closer to "It gets me off to be horrible to another person, I must be fucked up." This is why it is crucial for fledgling Dommes to have early positive experiences in D/s or her confidence may be badly hurt and her desires buried. It's tough for her to feel dominant when she's afraid of making mistakes and unsure of how to go about things.
A sub will hit their confidence plateau early. If they can meet their Domme's sexual and D/s needs, the sub will feel comfortable and confident and there's a good chance that their interactions will at least somewhat resemble the sub's fantasies. A Domme will hit their confidence plateau much later on. It will probably take years of successful interaction with consistent sub(s) while developing new physical and psychological skill sets that allow her to feel natural in her role.
This is where the paths diverge most significantly. For Dommes, this plateau is very temporary and serves as a launching pad for her growth. She knows she deserves to get what she wants, she is confident in how to go about it, she may stumble here and there but understands this is part of the process. It is now where she can recognize her dominant hunger and is comfortable feeding it, confident in her sub's devotion and her ability to make things happen. From here she starts to press onward, following ideas and inspiration that may have piqued her curiosity or turned her on thinking about it.
A sub will usually roll with many of the new ideas she wishes to introduce as new and unexplored territory can be exciting for both parties. However, it is almost inevitable that eventually something will be introduced that will cause a drastic change and tear the sub from their comfort zone. They change the rules of the game. If it is part of the sub's fantasy, the sub will jump right in. If it is something the sub deems unpleasant, the sub will channel their inner used car salesman and spew a mountain of bullshit, explaining how it's better for the relationship to avoid doing it. Even introducing the idea will rattle his confidence and fear and doubt will cloud his psyche.
If the basics of BDSM are bondage and spankings, these new events are usually more psychologically intense requiring greater levels of submission and dominance to sustain them. Some examples might include chastity, cuckolding, branding, piercing, TPE, forced feminization, etc.
At this point, if the Domme caves to the sub's wishes without even giving it a try, that likely signifies the end of her dominant growth and the dynamic will remain stagnant for the duration of the relationship.
If she forces her will upon him or is able to convince him to give it a try, her growth will likely never stop. An event of this nature signifies the first time that the sub's will is truly broken. This firmly establishes a Domme's confidence and makes it more likely she will escalate the intensity over time. Also, once his will has been broken, it will be more easily broken again and again until he no longer offers any resistance to "game changing" activities or dynamics.
Once the sub's will has been completely broken, his confidence returns since his confidence will be solely based around his ability to please her and he will find him adaptable enough to please her in nearly any situation. At this point, the sub has basically given the green light for whatever she might wish for.
As a Domme realizes this, it may rattle her a little bit. I believe (although I could be mistaken) that many Dommes place a bit of a limiter on themselves when it comes to D/s, that is, there's a separation in what they WOULD do vs. what they SHOULD do based upon the sub's feelings. When that limiter is removed, she is the only one who can police her own actions and for the first time in a while she may doubt herself again, e.g. if something happens that can seriously damage the relationship, it's all her fault.
I believe this fear should exist, albeit being a little bit unfair as it's a rather heavy burden to carry, but it is something that should be respected in any case. I fully believe that for a relationship that has reached this point, the Domme will be very aware of the handful of actions that would probably damage the sub beyond repair and be able to steer clear of those actions.
On the flip side, I think the depth of a sub's love towards the Domme that has broken him is very great. 99% of the time, he will easily forgive her if something goes well beyond his limits. The remaining 1% are probably limited to those handful of actions the Domme is aware of and have likely been talked about since early on in the relationship.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Depression comes early this year
I've really tried to write and draw lately. I just can't seem to finish anything.
Things feel lonely right now. It feels like google's attempt to limit/delete/block "adult" blogs scared many off. It also seems like people are flocking to select online communities and a lot of the alternative methods of interacting with others have gone obsolete. It feels like the whole internet is a bit off right now. I don't know if it's just me but this seems to be the current trend.
I am still in a relationship but D/s has been absent for years now. She has been busy for the past year or so with things going on in life. When I can feel my mood turning in this way it makes me miss a lot of things.
There are certain aspects of D/s that are so soothing to someone wired as insecurely as I am. I'm not sure if this should seem pathetic or not, but I tend to just accept it. Bondage, symbolism, displays of devotion, chastity, etc. all provide a sense of security as it means that someone cares enough about you to collar you, chain you, lock you, deny you, and so on. It makes you feel important enough to be constantly monitored in some way. To be owned. To be guarded. All I really know is that there are parts of me that need this in order to feel okay and this is the best I can make sense of things.
There are times that I masturbate while attempting to fantasize about those needs being met. In the end it feels empty since it doesn't matter if I do that. There have been certain times in certain relationships where that was something I wouldn't dare do. But during those times someone cared enough to keep me from wasting my energy on such things.
I think what we need from D/s says a lot about who we are. I think submissive devotion plays a large part in taming the insecurities of both Dommes and subs. A sub needs to feel wanted, chosen, and kept. A Domme (probably) needs to feel loved, trusted, cherished, and empowered. It's a beautiful symbiosis.
All of this is very meaningful to me and I miss it. My head has gotten really hazy, cloudy, and unfocused lately. I can feel myself slipping and the negativity feels inevitable.
If anyone has any ideas for discussion topics or custom drawings please let me know. If I can't come up with something to focus on, maybe someone else can.
Things feel lonely right now. It feels like google's attempt to limit/delete/block "adult" blogs scared many off. It also seems like people are flocking to select online communities and a lot of the alternative methods of interacting with others have gone obsolete. It feels like the whole internet is a bit off right now. I don't know if it's just me but this seems to be the current trend.
I am still in a relationship but D/s has been absent for years now. She has been busy for the past year or so with things going on in life. When I can feel my mood turning in this way it makes me miss a lot of things.
There are certain aspects of D/s that are so soothing to someone wired as insecurely as I am. I'm not sure if this should seem pathetic or not, but I tend to just accept it. Bondage, symbolism, displays of devotion, chastity, etc. all provide a sense of security as it means that someone cares enough about you to collar you, chain you, lock you, deny you, and so on. It makes you feel important enough to be constantly monitored in some way. To be owned. To be guarded. All I really know is that there are parts of me that need this in order to feel okay and this is the best I can make sense of things.
There are times that I masturbate while attempting to fantasize about those needs being met. In the end it feels empty since it doesn't matter if I do that. There have been certain times in certain relationships where that was something I wouldn't dare do. But during those times someone cared enough to keep me from wasting my energy on such things.
I think what we need from D/s says a lot about who we are. I think submissive devotion plays a large part in taming the insecurities of both Dommes and subs. A sub needs to feel wanted, chosen, and kept. A Domme (probably) needs to feel loved, trusted, cherished, and empowered. It's a beautiful symbiosis.
All of this is very meaningful to me and I miss it. My head has gotten really hazy, cloudy, and unfocused lately. I can feel myself slipping and the negativity feels inevitable.
If anyone has any ideas for discussion topics or custom drawings please let me know. If I can't come up with something to focus on, maybe someone else can.
Friday, September 11, 2015
The Dividing Line: Sadist vs. Sadistic Characteristics
QUICK UPDATE NOTE: I wrote this in an environment where I felt comfortable researching various definitions of Sadism/sadism and working off of memory of something I scanned a few days ago. I realize now most of the thorough definitions of Sadism/sadism are a little bit broader than I had based one section of this off of. Please bear with me on it as it doesn't really affect the overall result even if it does make me look like a bit of a jackass :)
I have served several Dommes over the years, a couple of which I would describe as "to their core" Sadists. The others exhibited sadistic tendencies or characteristics but the drive of their cruelty was not quite the same and during discussions about the topic, things didn't seem to resonate with them in the same way. After a lot of analyzing I have tried to find that dividing line between the two.
A common dictionary-like definition of a Sadist is someone that derives sexual pleasure from inflicting suffering on others. I'm not quite sure I like this definition as I tend to think of it a bit differently. I view sexual pleasure as: a physical act that contributes towards an orgasm and/or achieving said orgasm. Non-sexual sadistic acts do not supply this, but they still may give a sexual reaction in a Sadist. A person needs some basic factors to experience sexual pleasure:
-Being sexually aroused/horny (keeping in mind this happens at different rates for men and women).
-A mental and physical environment capable of sustaining the aroused state, ideally until orgasm.
So, re-written, a Sadist is someone that derives sustained sexual arousal from inflicting suffering on others. This definition makes a bit more sense to me based upon my experiences.
I have come to believe that one factor separating full Sadists from part Sadists is the need for active participation. Dommes that exhibit sadistic characteristics tend to require active participation to sustain sexual arousal. That is, they are turned on during play and will continue to be aroused on for the duration of the activities/environment. A full Sadist can achieve sustained arousal without being directly involved or present. The idea of the situation provides enough of a mental environment to continue the aroused Dom-space state.
This can be especially difficult to differentiate when dealing with a Domme's fetishes. e.g. if she is a bondage enthusiast, chastity enthusiast, etc. she may be able to fantasize about a situation without it being present and achieve arousal. How this differs from a Sadist is what factors drive her. The bondage enthusiast may enjoy the control, a sub's helplessness, etc. The Sadist may enjoy control, helplessness, but is driven by how the sub suffers because of it.
That focus on suffering tends to increase the natural creativity level of a Sadist. She doesn't just want to tie him up and immobilize him, she wants to bind him in discomfort. e.g. binding a sub in a sustainable/comfortable long-term position vs. an unsustainable/uncomfortable long-term position.
Another example would be locking a sub in a cage vs. locking him in a cage while gagged and blindfolded, wrists chained behind his back with the chain on the outside of the bars so his arms are pulled in an uncomfortable manner, spreader bar between his ankles and an anal plug while kneeling on dry rice. The latter situation requires a significant amount of extra work (probably at least 20 minutes as well as some awkward positions securing everything). A part Sadist may be fine with the just the cage but when she leaves the room, the arousing environment fades (or at least decreases). A full Sadist is more likely to go the extra mile but when she leaves the room, the juices will continue to flow.
Is that all necessary? No. It's a locked cage, he's not going anywhere. His freedom is gone and she holds the key. She does it because she wants to do it and enjoys doing it. The sub's suffering continues her aroused mental environment while she is now a passive participant. It is knowledge that keeps her going and not just fantasy. This fuels her creation of factors that will sustain arousal even after direct interaction ceases.
Another major factor that defines a full Sadist is the constantly evolving "one step worse than last time" tendency. Dusting the shelves? Let's add wrist cuffs and a chain. Next time it's a shorter chain. Next time it's no chain and just a lock binding them together. Next time it's locked behind the back. Next time it's locked behind the back with nipple clamps. Next time it's behind the back, nipple clamps, and a spreader bar, ball parachute, butt plug, bells (while being told to remain quiet) and so on. Eventually, dusting is impossible... so add a creatively harsh punishment for doing a poor job in order to maintain a sub's desperation level.
A part Sadist seems to find a point where it's "cruel enough," and reaches a plateau. A full Sadist seems to keep going and going and going with evolutionary time and creativity being the only limits (a sub's physical/mental limits seem to be forced to expand at the same rate).
I hope these differences between a full Sadist and part Sadist make sense.
These factors seem to be one of the hardest things to explain to a part Sadist since they don't naturally relate to them. It seems Dommes are either wired this way or they aren't.
It's sort of funny that I have met vanilla women that seem to exude many characteristics of fledgling Sadists. From what I can tell they get some form of endorphin "rush," but I don't think they have reached the point of a sexual connection. If you know the types they tend to seem somewhat playful and enjoy pointing out observations that draw attention to and embarrass men with teasing or jokes that border on being cruel. It makes me think they may have the wiring for this, but the likelihood of them entering the D/s lifestyle is still very slim.
One of my ex's was a Sadist whose evolution had been severely limited by the willingness of subs to suffer for her. I was the first that was willing to endure and I encouraged her to grow in whatever ways "did it" for her. A while ago I spoke with her for the first time in a few years and was a bit startled by how far she had grown (although it did not surprise me). When we were together we dabbled in chastity. Now she believed a sub should be in chastity 24-7 and released up to twice a year for an orgasm if their behavior earned it. She believed subs should be kept in wrist and ankle chains all the time, the heavier the better, and that they should move without letting them drag or make noise. She required subs to be on their knees whenever they were in the same room that she was in. She did not permit subs to look at her above the ankles or make eye contact. In the past she had loved to wear fur and went to great lengths pushing my sissification. She still loved to wear fur but now believed all subs should be kept naked and shivering (e.g. keeping AC cranked in summer and windows cracked in winter while she stayed bundled up). As of speaking to her she was beginning to explore pegging. It was not something she had done yet and the idea of it didn't really do it for her (as it does for most women who are enthusiasts), but she was searching for something to further degrade a sub and give them a twisted version of sexual intercourse now that she no longer permitted it by traditional means. I'm curious as to where she is now on this. Our relationship ended due to her having to relocate due to family issues and the offer for me to relocate with her was never extended. I'm also curious as to where I would be now if things had continued.
I have served several Dommes over the years, a couple of which I would describe as "to their core" Sadists. The others exhibited sadistic tendencies or characteristics but the drive of their cruelty was not quite the same and during discussions about the topic, things didn't seem to resonate with them in the same way. After a lot of analyzing I have tried to find that dividing line between the two.
A common dictionary-like definition of a Sadist is someone that derives sexual pleasure from inflicting suffering on others. I'm not quite sure I like this definition as I tend to think of it a bit differently. I view sexual pleasure as: a physical act that contributes towards an orgasm and/or achieving said orgasm. Non-sexual sadistic acts do not supply this, but they still may give a sexual reaction in a Sadist. A person needs some basic factors to experience sexual pleasure:
-Being sexually aroused/horny (keeping in mind this happens at different rates for men and women).
-A mental and physical environment capable of sustaining the aroused state, ideally until orgasm.
So, re-written, a Sadist is someone that derives sustained sexual arousal from inflicting suffering on others. This definition makes a bit more sense to me based upon my experiences.
I have come to believe that one factor separating full Sadists from part Sadists is the need for active participation. Dommes that exhibit sadistic characteristics tend to require active participation to sustain sexual arousal. That is, they are turned on during play and will continue to be aroused on for the duration of the activities/environment. A full Sadist can achieve sustained arousal without being directly involved or present. The idea of the situation provides enough of a mental environment to continue the aroused Dom-space state.
This can be especially difficult to differentiate when dealing with a Domme's fetishes. e.g. if she is a bondage enthusiast, chastity enthusiast, etc. she may be able to fantasize about a situation without it being present and achieve arousal. How this differs from a Sadist is what factors drive her. The bondage enthusiast may enjoy the control, a sub's helplessness, etc. The Sadist may enjoy control, helplessness, but is driven by how the sub suffers because of it.
That focus on suffering tends to increase the natural creativity level of a Sadist. She doesn't just want to tie him up and immobilize him, she wants to bind him in discomfort. e.g. binding a sub in a sustainable/comfortable long-term position vs. an unsustainable/uncomfortable long-term position.
Another example would be locking a sub in a cage vs. locking him in a cage while gagged and blindfolded, wrists chained behind his back with the chain on the outside of the bars so his arms are pulled in an uncomfortable manner, spreader bar between his ankles and an anal plug while kneeling on dry rice. The latter situation requires a significant amount of extra work (probably at least 20 minutes as well as some awkward positions securing everything). A part Sadist may be fine with the just the cage but when she leaves the room, the arousing environment fades (or at least decreases). A full Sadist is more likely to go the extra mile but when she leaves the room, the juices will continue to flow.
Is that all necessary? No. It's a locked cage, he's not going anywhere. His freedom is gone and she holds the key. She does it because she wants to do it and enjoys doing it. The sub's suffering continues her aroused mental environment while she is now a passive participant. It is knowledge that keeps her going and not just fantasy. This fuels her creation of factors that will sustain arousal even after direct interaction ceases.
Another major factor that defines a full Sadist is the constantly evolving "one step worse than last time" tendency. Dusting the shelves? Let's add wrist cuffs and a chain. Next time it's a shorter chain. Next time it's no chain and just a lock binding them together. Next time it's locked behind the back. Next time it's locked behind the back with nipple clamps. Next time it's behind the back, nipple clamps, and a spreader bar, ball parachute, butt plug, bells (while being told to remain quiet) and so on. Eventually, dusting is impossible... so add a creatively harsh punishment for doing a poor job in order to maintain a sub's desperation level.
A part Sadist seems to find a point where it's "cruel enough," and reaches a plateau. A full Sadist seems to keep going and going and going with evolutionary time and creativity being the only limits (a sub's physical/mental limits seem to be forced to expand at the same rate).
I hope these differences between a full Sadist and part Sadist make sense.
These factors seem to be one of the hardest things to explain to a part Sadist since they don't naturally relate to them. It seems Dommes are either wired this way or they aren't.
It's sort of funny that I have met vanilla women that seem to exude many characteristics of fledgling Sadists. From what I can tell they get some form of endorphin "rush," but I don't think they have reached the point of a sexual connection. If you know the types they tend to seem somewhat playful and enjoy pointing out observations that draw attention to and embarrass men with teasing or jokes that border on being cruel. It makes me think they may have the wiring for this, but the likelihood of them entering the D/s lifestyle is still very slim.
One of my ex's was a Sadist whose evolution had been severely limited by the willingness of subs to suffer for her. I was the first that was willing to endure and I encouraged her to grow in whatever ways "did it" for her. A while ago I spoke with her for the first time in a few years and was a bit startled by how far she had grown (although it did not surprise me). When we were together we dabbled in chastity. Now she believed a sub should be in chastity 24-7 and released up to twice a year for an orgasm if their behavior earned it. She believed subs should be kept in wrist and ankle chains all the time, the heavier the better, and that they should move without letting them drag or make noise. She required subs to be on their knees whenever they were in the same room that she was in. She did not permit subs to look at her above the ankles or make eye contact. In the past she had loved to wear fur and went to great lengths pushing my sissification. She still loved to wear fur but now believed all subs should be kept naked and shivering (e.g. keeping AC cranked in summer and windows cracked in winter while she stayed bundled up). As of speaking to her she was beginning to explore pegging. It was not something she had done yet and the idea of it didn't really do it for her (as it does for most women who are enthusiasts), but she was searching for something to further degrade a sub and give them a twisted version of sexual intercourse now that she no longer permitted it by traditional means. I'm curious as to where she is now on this. Our relationship ended due to her having to relocate due to family issues and the offer for me to relocate with her was never extended. I'm also curious as to where I would be now if things had continued.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Fantasy debate: the Cruel Sadist vs. Demanding and Indifferent
This is something that has been on my mind lately and I have attempted to write a couple of posts on it but have so far failed miserably at finishing them.
A quick definition to begin things: I will be working with the idea that a sadist derives sexual arousal from inflicting cruelty and suffering on others. While a non-sadist may experience some sexual arousal from similar activities, I will assume their arousal is due to other related factors (e.g. devotion, symbolism, a fetish, etc.) and not directly linked to their victim's physical/psychological/sexual discomfort.
In order to keep this interesting, the idea of the non-sadist Domme will be a rather extreme example: while she doesn't get turned on by cruelty, she is completely indifferent to whether or not the sub finds things cruel as long as it results in her desired outcome. In order for a sub to experience a similar level of (albeit different flavor of) suffering, this Domme would have to be extremely demanding, whether those demands are realistic or not.
The differences between a sadist and our non-sadist can yield some crucial differences in the sub's experiences even if the activities remain nearly identical.
Chore: a sub is ordered to clean a room.
Sadist (S): She will want to make this task more difficult and unpleasant. This might take the form of messing the room up more or using restraints to make the sub's job more difficult (e.g. wrists chained to his balls). She can experience arousal/pleasure by being present and tormenting the sub but will still experience arousal/pleasure without being present and simply thinking about how much the sub is struggling.
Non-Sadist (NS): She will expect this task to be performed quickly and thoroughly. Her pleasure comes from having a cleaned room without any wasted time, so it is unlikely she will do anything to inflict direct suffering. However, she may order the sub to perform this task in an unrealistic amount of time, e.g. it should take 2.5 hours, but he is expected to finish in 1 hour with no decrease in performance quality. Failure to complete in time or to her standards will result in severe punishment.
Uniform: a sub is dressed as a maid.
S: She will want the uniform to humiliate and embarrass the sub, ideally inflict discomfort. This can double as an actual or hypothetical threat in regards to further humiliation, blackmail, etc. She is more likely to go with over the top styles, painful and uncomfortable heels, wrist & ankle restraints, posture collars, gags, etc.
NS: She will want his uniform to represent his submissive role as well as his competence in fulfilling it. Being properly maintained and tidy are paramount. It will likely be something she finds aesthetically pleasing and suitable for his role.
Chastity
S: She enjoys his sexual frustration and the constant mental suffering of earning release. Even if she doesn't plan to allow him release, she will keep the idea of release alive in his mind simply to witness his disappointment when she takes it away. If she keeps him contained for a long enough time, she might even make him beg to be milked.
NS: She is indifferent to his sexual needs. Chastity turns him into a non-sexual entity. Release isn't spoken of or even implied with the possible exception of maintenance milking.
Punishment
S:She punishes him regularly to make him suffer, even if he is constantly suffering. Punishment can be used to inflict more exquisite forms of suffering than are present in normal day to day activities.
NS: For her, punishment serves a purpose: break any resistance and instill enough fear to keep him motivated. To achieve these ends, punishments have be very severe.
By now, you probably have some idea of which type of Domme you would rather fantasize about. While both may "do it" for a sub on some level, I have a feeling which one "does it more" is strongly linked to a submissive's self-worth and confidence in their abilities to serve/please the Domme. I could be wrong, but it seems like a sub who is fully confident in their abilities would be less fearful of a non-sadist that may make things difficult, but rarely impossible. If a sub is constantly afraid that they cannot perform adequately, the non-sadist probably provides a sink or swim environment conducive to their subspace. An abusive sadist can find creative ways to screw up a sub's performance no matter how competent they are. A sub that is fully confident but still craves fear most likely connects more strongly with the sadistic type.
If I'm wrong here, please let me know.
On another note, it's interesting when you look at how these types are portrayed in other fictional works. The non-sadist is almost always in some form of upper management position while the sadist is usually an underling who terrorizes someone even lower on the totem pole. e.g. CEO vs. Middle management, Warden vs. Guard, Super Villain vs. Top Henchman, etc. Apparently stereotypical representations seem to believe sadists aren't as ambitious or as capable of climbing the ladder as their non-sadistic counterparts.
A quick definition to begin things: I will be working with the idea that a sadist derives sexual arousal from inflicting cruelty and suffering on others. While a non-sadist may experience some sexual arousal from similar activities, I will assume their arousal is due to other related factors (e.g. devotion, symbolism, a fetish, etc.) and not directly linked to their victim's physical/psychological/sexual discomfort.
In order to keep this interesting, the idea of the non-sadist Domme will be a rather extreme example: while she doesn't get turned on by cruelty, she is completely indifferent to whether or not the sub finds things cruel as long as it results in her desired outcome. In order for a sub to experience a similar level of (albeit different flavor of) suffering, this Domme would have to be extremely demanding, whether those demands are realistic or not.
The differences between a sadist and our non-sadist can yield some crucial differences in the sub's experiences even if the activities remain nearly identical.
Chore: a sub is ordered to clean a room.
Sadist (S): She will want to make this task more difficult and unpleasant. This might take the form of messing the room up more or using restraints to make the sub's job more difficult (e.g. wrists chained to his balls). She can experience arousal/pleasure by being present and tormenting the sub but will still experience arousal/pleasure without being present and simply thinking about how much the sub is struggling.
Non-Sadist (NS): She will expect this task to be performed quickly and thoroughly. Her pleasure comes from having a cleaned room without any wasted time, so it is unlikely she will do anything to inflict direct suffering. However, she may order the sub to perform this task in an unrealistic amount of time, e.g. it should take 2.5 hours, but he is expected to finish in 1 hour with no decrease in performance quality. Failure to complete in time or to her standards will result in severe punishment.
Uniform: a sub is dressed as a maid.
S: She will want the uniform to humiliate and embarrass the sub, ideally inflict discomfort. This can double as an actual or hypothetical threat in regards to further humiliation, blackmail, etc. She is more likely to go with over the top styles, painful and uncomfortable heels, wrist & ankle restraints, posture collars, gags, etc.
NS: She will want his uniform to represent his submissive role as well as his competence in fulfilling it. Being properly maintained and tidy are paramount. It will likely be something she finds aesthetically pleasing and suitable for his role.
Chastity
S: She enjoys his sexual frustration and the constant mental suffering of earning release. Even if she doesn't plan to allow him release, she will keep the idea of release alive in his mind simply to witness his disappointment when she takes it away. If she keeps him contained for a long enough time, she might even make him beg to be milked.
NS: She is indifferent to his sexual needs. Chastity turns him into a non-sexual entity. Release isn't spoken of or even implied with the possible exception of maintenance milking.
Punishment
S:She punishes him regularly to make him suffer, even if he is constantly suffering. Punishment can be used to inflict more exquisite forms of suffering than are present in normal day to day activities.
NS: For her, punishment serves a purpose: break any resistance and instill enough fear to keep him motivated. To achieve these ends, punishments have be very severe.
By now, you probably have some idea of which type of Domme you would rather fantasize about. While both may "do it" for a sub on some level, I have a feeling which one "does it more" is strongly linked to a submissive's self-worth and confidence in their abilities to serve/please the Domme. I could be wrong, but it seems like a sub who is fully confident in their abilities would be less fearful of a non-sadist that may make things difficult, but rarely impossible. If a sub is constantly afraid that they cannot perform adequately, the non-sadist probably provides a sink or swim environment conducive to their subspace. An abusive sadist can find creative ways to screw up a sub's performance no matter how competent they are. A sub that is fully confident but still craves fear most likely connects more strongly with the sadistic type.
If I'm wrong here, please let me know.
On another note, it's interesting when you look at how these types are portrayed in other fictional works. The non-sadist is almost always in some form of upper management position while the sadist is usually an underling who terrorizes someone even lower on the totem pole. e.g. CEO vs. Middle management, Warden vs. Guard, Super Villain vs. Top Henchman, etc. Apparently stereotypical representations seem to believe sadists aren't as ambitious or as capable of climbing the ladder as their non-sadistic counterparts.
Monday, September 7, 2015
It's been a while
I see that it has been almost a year since my last post. Life has been busy lately and I just haven't been spending much time online nor in the mind-space in which I do most of my work on here.
I first wanted to thank the readers that have checked in or contacted me over the past year. Unfortunately I haven't completed a new drawing in ages. I was working on revising the way in which I do my drawings but This was very time consuming and I didn't really get anywhere with it either. I have had plenty of ideas, most of which are beyond what I am capable of performing. I do plan on drawing again at some point in the future. If anyone has any ideas for what they would like to see please let me know.
I also spent some time dabbling with making a Femdom computer game but found the available options to be either too lacking and simple or far too complicated to adequately perform without a significant amount of work/training. This is something I had done in the past with some basic text-based versions as well as a few flash-based ones, but I have never really been able to execute my vision.
I did some web searches out of curiosity and found a handful of my drawings have circulated a bit around the web. This made me fairly happy. Oddly enough my post on awakening the male nipples ended up being cited as a top answer on one of the Q&A sites (I think yahoo) about male nipple manipulation. I think my KTB post probably got the most exposure out of everything though. I can say I was fairly proud to find my Tips for courting a Domme post linked on a few Domme sites/blogs.
I will try to make another post tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I first wanted to thank the readers that have checked in or contacted me over the past year. Unfortunately I haven't completed a new drawing in ages. I was working on revising the way in which I do my drawings but This was very time consuming and I didn't really get anywhere with it either. I have had plenty of ideas, most of which are beyond what I am capable of performing. I do plan on drawing again at some point in the future. If anyone has any ideas for what they would like to see please let me know.
I also spent some time dabbling with making a Femdom computer game but found the available options to be either too lacking and simple or far too complicated to adequately perform without a significant amount of work/training. This is something I had done in the past with some basic text-based versions as well as a few flash-based ones, but I have never really been able to execute my vision.
I did some web searches out of curiosity and found a handful of my drawings have circulated a bit around the web. This made me fairly happy. Oddly enough my post on awakening the male nipples ended up being cited as a top answer on one of the Q&A sites (I think yahoo) about male nipple manipulation. I think my KTB post probably got the most exposure out of everything though. I can say I was fairly proud to find my Tips for courting a Domme post linked on a few Domme sites/blogs.
I will try to make another post tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Monday, September 22, 2014
New (or new to me) blogs?
I know I keep falling off the planet. It seems that very few of the blogs I used to frequent are still up and going. Does anyone have any recommendations?
I know if I am able to get more active here I will be more likely to keep up with posts and possibly drawings.
I know if I am able to get more active here I will be more likely to keep up with posts and possibly drawings.
Words of Caution
I've seen a good number of negative comments in the past month on a few blogs I follow and to anyone reading this I encourage you to avoid negativity towards the relationships of others without consideration for their relationship's frame of reference.
I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
----------------------------------------------------------
1. The BDSM/Kink scene. If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature. These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness. Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community.
Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."
2. Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship. This can happen in a variety of ways.
Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface. The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship. This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.
The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on. That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.
3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s. Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way. One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement.
These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.
---------------------------------------------------------
Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships. The "when" matters just as much. I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge. There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.
/end rant.
I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
----------------------------------------------------------
1. The BDSM/Kink scene. If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature. These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness. Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community.
Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."
2. Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship. This can happen in a variety of ways.
Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface. The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship. This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.
The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on. That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.
3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s. Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way. One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement.
These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.
---------------------------------------------------------
Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships. The "when" matters just as much. I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge. There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.
/end rant.
The New Car Smell
Woman In Control is my favorite blog that I have had a chance to follow over the course of my blogging history. Some recent back and forth comments got me thinking a bit about things and I wanted to further explore my thoughts on them without clogging up the comments with some borderline off-topic material.
The evolutionary process of D/s relationships and the changes that occur in both Domme and sub over time is a topic of great interest to me. It is always interesting to see the trends that arise and what options couples use to keep things interesting.
The topic that has most recently been on my mind is whether it is possible to recapture the exhilarating charge of early contact and fledgling D/s relationships that are still in their formative phase. I believe this is something that is possible for a Domme that enjoys the courting/training process. I do not think it is quite as possible for a veteran sub to feel this on the same level. I think the key to these situations has to do with the frame of reference.
An experience Domme already has a good idea of what she likes and dislikes, what she will enjoy and what she will expect from a sub. If she enjoys the training process, she can derive great pleasure from shaping a novice sub into the form that she wishes. During this process, she stays who she is while the sub undergoes a complete transformation. If it is the process that brings her pleasure, this experience can be repeated with a new sub.
However, once a novice sub has been trained, he is now a veteran. He will have developed things he likes and dislikes about the lifestyle. There will be activities that bring him pleasure and activities that bring him pain. He will develop an idea of his role and what is (or will be) expected of him. Once this happens, I do not think it is really possible to wipe the slate clean again. If he enters into a new relationship with a different Domme there may be the initial exhilaration and fear of the courting process and undergoing her training but certain things that have been etched into his psyche are likely to remain. When the initial getting to know you process wears off, it is common to compare his previous experiences to the ones he is currently having. e.g. a sub who previously served a Domme that was a firm believer in chastity devices may feel a bit off if he serves a different Domme that believes in the honor system, especially if chastity served as a strongly intimate bond between the sub and his previous Domme.
Within a relationship, I believe it is possible to keep refreshing the excitement by shaking the sub out of his comfort zone soon after he has acclimated to it. This puts an enormous load on the Domme. The early stages of a D/s relationship are terrifying for a sub. They need to prove themselves worthy: capable as a sub, interesting as a person, and able to connect with the Domme in a meaningful and positive way. There is a great deal of fear because of the risk is so great: your greatest fear is rejection. If a sub is accepted by a Domme, he reaches his first comfort zone but the first shake up often follows immediately. Rules and conduct get tightened down, punishment regimens begin, and so on. The sub learns her expectations and adapts himself to meet them. At some point, he will err less and less and the subsequent need for punishment diminishes as well. This is the second comfort zone. Many D/s relationships can stay happy for a long time in this state but as both Domme and sub change over time, it is common to see the parameters of the relationship change at this point as well. Additional rules, stricter punishments, and experimentation with new activities can all serve to remove a sub from his comfort zone, restore fear, and force him to adapt himself even further. I believe the majority of the more extreme lifestyle activities come about in this way and I do think this is the closest a veteran sub can get to experiencing the same terrifying exhilaration as he does when entering a lifestyle relationship for the firs time.
I do believe in a relationship founded on trust and love that things inevitably work themselves out in this way.
The evolutionary process of D/s relationships and the changes that occur in both Domme and sub over time is a topic of great interest to me. It is always interesting to see the trends that arise and what options couples use to keep things interesting.
The topic that has most recently been on my mind is whether it is possible to recapture the exhilarating charge of early contact and fledgling D/s relationships that are still in their formative phase. I believe this is something that is possible for a Domme that enjoys the courting/training process. I do not think it is quite as possible for a veteran sub to feel this on the same level. I think the key to these situations has to do with the frame of reference.
An experience Domme already has a good idea of what she likes and dislikes, what she will enjoy and what she will expect from a sub. If she enjoys the training process, she can derive great pleasure from shaping a novice sub into the form that she wishes. During this process, she stays who she is while the sub undergoes a complete transformation. If it is the process that brings her pleasure, this experience can be repeated with a new sub.
However, once a novice sub has been trained, he is now a veteran. He will have developed things he likes and dislikes about the lifestyle. There will be activities that bring him pleasure and activities that bring him pain. He will develop an idea of his role and what is (or will be) expected of him. Once this happens, I do not think it is really possible to wipe the slate clean again. If he enters into a new relationship with a different Domme there may be the initial exhilaration and fear of the courting process and undergoing her training but certain things that have been etched into his psyche are likely to remain. When the initial getting to know you process wears off, it is common to compare his previous experiences to the ones he is currently having. e.g. a sub who previously served a Domme that was a firm believer in chastity devices may feel a bit off if he serves a different Domme that believes in the honor system, especially if chastity served as a strongly intimate bond between the sub and his previous Domme.
Within a relationship, I believe it is possible to keep refreshing the excitement by shaking the sub out of his comfort zone soon after he has acclimated to it. This puts an enormous load on the Domme. The early stages of a D/s relationship are terrifying for a sub. They need to prove themselves worthy: capable as a sub, interesting as a person, and able to connect with the Domme in a meaningful and positive way. There is a great deal of fear because of the risk is so great: your greatest fear is rejection. If a sub is accepted by a Domme, he reaches his first comfort zone but the first shake up often follows immediately. Rules and conduct get tightened down, punishment regimens begin, and so on. The sub learns her expectations and adapts himself to meet them. At some point, he will err less and less and the subsequent need for punishment diminishes as well. This is the second comfort zone. Many D/s relationships can stay happy for a long time in this state but as both Domme and sub change over time, it is common to see the parameters of the relationship change at this point as well. Additional rules, stricter punishments, and experimentation with new activities can all serve to remove a sub from his comfort zone, restore fear, and force him to adapt himself even further. I believe the majority of the more extreme lifestyle activities come about in this way and I do think this is the closest a veteran sub can get to experiencing the same terrifying exhilaration as he does when entering a lifestyle relationship for the firs time.
I do believe in a relationship founded on trust and love that things inevitably work themselves out in this way.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Current reflections upon my submission
For all intents and purposes, I am a broken man.
Capable but helpless. Potential for greatness bogged down by a life of
shattered self-esteem, abuse, and failed expectations. Adequate but
inadequate: able to make someone happy but not attractive enough to be
chosen.
I am good at almost everything I set out to do. I have experienced success academically and athletically, but this has never brought me happiness. Life didn't always feel this way but I can see now the path that led to this road.
At my core, I feel unworthy of love. Being given up at birth and adopted into an unloving family were the start. It was at a young age where I discovered I had to earn affection. I had to succeed, to be the best at what I was doing. This is what was expected of me. Falling short of that goal resulted in passive-aggressive attacks and later on, outright physical abuse. My sense of worth became precariously balanced on the head of a pin: when successful, things stayed together. In failure, the whole world toppled down. Expectations were never voiced, there were only reactions to the end results. Little league, school, etc., this bled into all facets of life.
Eventually I became so terrified of failure that any change to my life became a source of high anxiety. When I faltered I would punish myself internally, knowing the reactions would be negative. When said reactions manifested themselves, the pain would compound upon itself. After nearly a decade of this I found myself depressed, suicidal, and scared of life. A brief foray into drug and alcohol addiction helped me medicate through my high school years.
Upon reaching adulthood I was still scared and felt unloved and unwanted. I developed a means of coping through writing and philosophizing about idealized concepts of life and love. The notion of unconditional love was one that I often dreamed about. In my experiences, receiving love was always conditional. Love had to be earned. It was not something I deserved unless I proved myself deserving by meeting or exceeding expectations placed upon me. In turn, I wanted to love unconditionally. To give myself wholly to the one that I loved and be embraced for it. This seemed natural and in some ways, it was the trade off for someone like me: I had to love and devote myself with all my being in order to deserve to be loved in return.
The vanilla dating world for young adults is not a kind one. Unless you are physically attractive, successful, or brimming with confidence, your other qualities that deserve merit are easily overlooked. The mind games and posturing often rival those of my youth. Guessing her expectations, being passive aggressively punished if I fail to meet them, dealing with being pushed away after disagreements and the like. The idea that someone could love me unconditionally continued on as merely a dream.
I started to think it would be easier if a woman was more demanding. If she made her expectations clear and eliminated the guessing game. If she got mad she could channel her anger directly and we could then make things right.
Around this time I met my first Mistress. Before our relationship started she was the one that spotted me as being well-suited for submission and everything sort of fell into place after that.
I know this sort of paints a one-dimensional picture of myself. I have a wide variety of interests and hobbies. I delve deep into what I enjoy and try to share things with others that I believe they will enjoy too. Over the years I have experienced success in a lot of ways: being on sports teams that finished top 5 in the state, performing music in front of large audiences, graduating valedictorian and magna cum laude. I know why I downplay these things so much when representing myself. First, they have never made me happy on their own. Second, they have never felt like true accomplishments, they have merely felt like I met the bare minimum of expectations that were placed upon me. Is it odd that I crave to be acknowledged but hate compliments?
With these things in mind, submission has become something completely natural. To meet every expectation and demand with the entirety of my being merely to be accepted. To constantly feel I must earn her love with everything I do. To feel wretched when I let her down and normal when I succeed. To accept anything she may throw my way and love her unconditionally. To be my best at all times for her and to make her happy.
I no longer have dreams of my own. My dream is to support her dream and help make it come true.
This is what feels natural to me. Therapists have told me this is wrong. The women I have loved have loved this about me. I have accepted this is who I am but sometimes wonder if I should change.
I am good at almost everything I set out to do. I have experienced success academically and athletically, but this has never brought me happiness. Life didn't always feel this way but I can see now the path that led to this road.
At my core, I feel unworthy of love. Being given up at birth and adopted into an unloving family were the start. It was at a young age where I discovered I had to earn affection. I had to succeed, to be the best at what I was doing. This is what was expected of me. Falling short of that goal resulted in passive-aggressive attacks and later on, outright physical abuse. My sense of worth became precariously balanced on the head of a pin: when successful, things stayed together. In failure, the whole world toppled down. Expectations were never voiced, there were only reactions to the end results. Little league, school, etc., this bled into all facets of life.
Eventually I became so terrified of failure that any change to my life became a source of high anxiety. When I faltered I would punish myself internally, knowing the reactions would be negative. When said reactions manifested themselves, the pain would compound upon itself. After nearly a decade of this I found myself depressed, suicidal, and scared of life. A brief foray into drug and alcohol addiction helped me medicate through my high school years.
Upon reaching adulthood I was still scared and felt unloved and unwanted. I developed a means of coping through writing and philosophizing about idealized concepts of life and love. The notion of unconditional love was one that I often dreamed about. In my experiences, receiving love was always conditional. Love had to be earned. It was not something I deserved unless I proved myself deserving by meeting or exceeding expectations placed upon me. In turn, I wanted to love unconditionally. To give myself wholly to the one that I loved and be embraced for it. This seemed natural and in some ways, it was the trade off for someone like me: I had to love and devote myself with all my being in order to deserve to be loved in return.
The vanilla dating world for young adults is not a kind one. Unless you are physically attractive, successful, or brimming with confidence, your other qualities that deserve merit are easily overlooked. The mind games and posturing often rival those of my youth. Guessing her expectations, being passive aggressively punished if I fail to meet them, dealing with being pushed away after disagreements and the like. The idea that someone could love me unconditionally continued on as merely a dream.
I started to think it would be easier if a woman was more demanding. If she made her expectations clear and eliminated the guessing game. If she got mad she could channel her anger directly and we could then make things right.
Around this time I met my first Mistress. Before our relationship started she was the one that spotted me as being well-suited for submission and everything sort of fell into place after that.
I know this sort of paints a one-dimensional picture of myself. I have a wide variety of interests and hobbies. I delve deep into what I enjoy and try to share things with others that I believe they will enjoy too. Over the years I have experienced success in a lot of ways: being on sports teams that finished top 5 in the state, performing music in front of large audiences, graduating valedictorian and magna cum laude. I know why I downplay these things so much when representing myself. First, they have never made me happy on their own. Second, they have never felt like true accomplishments, they have merely felt like I met the bare minimum of expectations that were placed upon me. Is it odd that I crave to be acknowledged but hate compliments?
With these things in mind, submission has become something completely natural. To meet every expectation and demand with the entirety of my being merely to be accepted. To constantly feel I must earn her love with everything I do. To feel wretched when I let her down and normal when I succeed. To accept anything she may throw my way and love her unconditionally. To be my best at all times for her and to make her happy.
I no longer have dreams of my own. My dream is to support her dream and help make it come true.
This is what feels natural to me. Therapists have told me this is wrong. The women I have loved have loved this about me. I have accepted this is who I am but sometimes wonder if I should change.
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Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Ramifications of trained obsolesence
Lady Grey's most recent posts at http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/ have gotten me thinking a bit more about the progressive escalation of D/s over time (I have blogged on this a few times over the years). Something became readily apparent to me tonight in regards to my own submissive desires and how they have evolved over the years.
I train rather easily in the D/s lifestyle. I have a good memory, high attention to detail, and can be reasonably intelligent at times. This has been one of my submissive strengths over the years but it has also had major drawbacks. If you as a sub are able to follow rules and instructions to the T, you don't give a Domme a reason to punish you. If your D/s relationship is based around sensual interaction for good behavior and physical punishment for bad behavior, a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain upon the sub is faced with the choice of denying herself something that gives her pleasure or punishing and attempting to justify the choice. With newer Dommes, choosing the latter can lead to guilt and that guilt may reduce her pleasure in the moment or lead to negative feelings in its aftermath. Being that I am not a masochist, a Domme can struggle with the "because I can" or "as a reminder of your place" reasoning behind punishment.
As much as I dislike pain, as a submissive I crave the fear and exhilaration of intense D/s interaction, even if it involves pain. By being mistake free in service (or as close as possible to this), I inherently reduce the intensity level of the relationship (often hurting the desires of both Domme and sub). I frown upon subs that act out or misbehave merely to get attention. I think this type of behavior is childish, selfish, and out of focus. So where does a sub go from there?
I think the answer to that question can be seen in my own fantasies of deeply sadistic Dommes.
Some examples:
-A Domme that will enjoy punishing after perfect service because she enjoys the additional mental anguish a sub goes through when he doesn't deserve it.
-A Domme that will ensure a sub will make mistakes or cannot serve perfectly and punish him for failing while taking pleasure in his added suffering from knowing he cannot succeed, e.g. being ordered to dust on top of tall shelves with your hands locked behind your back.
-A Domme that believes perfect obedience is to be expected and should not be rewarded.
This type of situation is unpredictable and frightening. It can also lead to a deeper level of subspace where you surrender to the situation.
From a more realistic perspective, this most likely would be rather dangerous and fall into the "be careful what you wish for" category unless there is a strong and loving bond between Domme and sub. That being said, I'm not sure if this desires is a strength or a weakness: the willingness to lovingly submit and endure through it all vs. my D/s relationships will eventually evolve to where I crave this, regardless of her wishes.
The D/s has been absent for a while now in my relationship and I feel like it's driving me crazy.
I train rather easily in the D/s lifestyle. I have a good memory, high attention to detail, and can be reasonably intelligent at times. This has been one of my submissive strengths over the years but it has also had major drawbacks. If you as a sub are able to follow rules and instructions to the T, you don't give a Domme a reason to punish you. If your D/s relationship is based around sensual interaction for good behavior and physical punishment for bad behavior, a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain upon the sub is faced with the choice of denying herself something that gives her pleasure or punishing and attempting to justify the choice. With newer Dommes, choosing the latter can lead to guilt and that guilt may reduce her pleasure in the moment or lead to negative feelings in its aftermath. Being that I am not a masochist, a Domme can struggle with the "because I can" or "as a reminder of your place" reasoning behind punishment.
As much as I dislike pain, as a submissive I crave the fear and exhilaration of intense D/s interaction, even if it involves pain. By being mistake free in service (or as close as possible to this), I inherently reduce the intensity level of the relationship (often hurting the desires of both Domme and sub). I frown upon subs that act out or misbehave merely to get attention. I think this type of behavior is childish, selfish, and out of focus. So where does a sub go from there?
I think the answer to that question can be seen in my own fantasies of deeply sadistic Dommes.
Some examples:
-A Domme that will enjoy punishing after perfect service because she enjoys the additional mental anguish a sub goes through when he doesn't deserve it.
-A Domme that will ensure a sub will make mistakes or cannot serve perfectly and punish him for failing while taking pleasure in his added suffering from knowing he cannot succeed, e.g. being ordered to dust on top of tall shelves with your hands locked behind your back.
-A Domme that believes perfect obedience is to be expected and should not be rewarded.
This type of situation is unpredictable and frightening. It can also lead to a deeper level of subspace where you surrender to the situation.
From a more realistic perspective, this most likely would be rather dangerous and fall into the "be careful what you wish for" category unless there is a strong and loving bond between Domme and sub. That being said, I'm not sure if this desires is a strength or a weakness: the willingness to lovingly submit and endure through it all vs. my D/s relationships will eventually evolve to where I crave this, regardless of her wishes.
The D/s has been absent for a while now in my relationship and I feel like it's driving me crazy.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Drawings
I really want to get back to drawing. The truth is, I want to draw better than I am able to at this point in time. I have been working on some new techniques for drawing/coloring but the improvement is very slow and very gradual. Having no art background really hurts me here. It's a bit frustrating as growing up I was not allowed a lot of freedoms to take classes in things that I did not display a talent for (aka I couldn't risk my GPA with art classes).
I do plan to do more drawing. There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism. I'm trying to draw fantasies. If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing. Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out. Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.
2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level. I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.
Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.
I do plan to do more drawing. There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism. I'm trying to draw fantasies. If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing. Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out. Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.
2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level. I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.
Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.
Disturbing the submissive balance of Giver vs. Receiver
Before I took my hiatus I had written a bit about D/s relationships and balancing roles of giver and receiver for a successful relationship.
To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.
A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.
A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub. In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.
I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.
Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment). Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time. If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R.
In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful. The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret. Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation. This is a very fine and very important line. I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse.
I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please. In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance. A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem. I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.
The best idea I could come up with was fear. I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core. To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses. In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma. If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold. Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.
I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method. In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond. The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.
However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice. I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation. It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it. If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures? While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?
I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head. As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive. In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world. I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.
To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.
A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.
A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub. In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.
I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.
Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment). Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time. If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R.
In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful. The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret. Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation. This is a very fine and very important line. I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse.
I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please. In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance. A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem. I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.
The best idea I could come up with was fear. I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core. To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses. In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma. If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold. Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.
I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method. In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond. The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.
However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice. I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation. It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it. If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures? While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?
I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head. As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive. In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world. I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Checking in
It's been a long time...
I took an extended break after realizing I had fallen into an unpleasant mindspace. Being trapped juggling life and my internet persona took a rather large toll on me and I found myself getting too high strung and depressed so I pretty much abandoned my fetish-related social networking cold turkey. I think the death of a fellow blogger from a blogging couple that Ms and I had befriended in the real world affected me more than I knew at the time. I'm no stranger to losing people but I'm not good at dealing with it either.
I don't know how often I will post but I wanted to let the people I have been in contact here that I am around and haven't forgotten.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I took an extended break after realizing I had fallen into an unpleasant mindspace. Being trapped juggling life and my internet persona took a rather large toll on me and I found myself getting too high strung and depressed so I pretty much abandoned my fetish-related social networking cold turkey. I think the death of a fellow blogger from a blogging couple that Ms and I had befriended in the real world affected me more than I knew at the time. I'm no stranger to losing people but I'm not good at dealing with it either.
I don't know how often I will post but I wanted to let the people I have been in contact here that I am around and haven't forgotten.
I hope everyone is doing well.
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