Thursday, May 12, 2016

Reflecting upon the past part 1: background

Lady Grey's suggestion to write from a more personal standpoint has gotten me thinking about the past.  The natural place to start would be at the beginning.  In most of my previous writings I have often just covered an abbreviated versions of events, some that happened gradually over the course of an extended period of time.  I will try to flush them out in some greater deal.

The benefit of hindsight has given a greater sense of clarity on a lot of things, especially now that I am able to better understand what went on internally during those times.

Think of this first as sort of a prologue.  Nothing really interesting unless you want to know what makes me tick.  

First off, I think I have to note that my greatest dream was to be loved.  While my peers were focused upon being lawyers, architects, etc., I simply wanted to be with someone that I loved who loved me too.  I knew many who took things for granted, that life, love, and family would just happen and hey never pictured a future without it.  I was broken at a very young age through abuses and betrayals that shattered my sense of self worth.  I felt useless unless I was meeting other's expectations but I was capable enough to meet or exceed them.

My mother was very focused upon appearances.  I was allowed a bit of freedom but for the most part, there was a script to be followed and I was constantly self-conscious when I didn't fit the mold that was set out for me.  My father was extremely passive-aggressive and would keep things bottled up until it would violently explode with me on the receiving end.  I learned that I had to choose between his expectations or a beating. 

I never felt safe in my own skin.  I never had the security of someone just accepting my love and giving love in return.  Love from family was something that had to be earned.

Due to some After School Special caliber events that happened in my school district while I was in Jr High and the multi-million dollar lawsuit that followed, our schools cracked down on the majority of juvenile forms of flirting and the like.  There ended up being a 3 year group of people who experienced that and pretty much never learned to date by traditional means.  You basically got to know someone, then decided if dating was possible vs. the dating to get to know someone with romantic intentions already known. It was a bit ass-backwards and ended up affecting me for a very long time.

With girls, I was rejected and heart broken many times over, almost always due to my physical appearance.  I am short, stocky, and not handsome, and to top it off, a minority that was living in a 99% white area.  I was often used as a means of self-esteem rebuilding, forever trapped in the friend zone, I was the one called upon by girls to make them feel good about themselves.  I was a very supportive good friend who could give sound advice and knew how to lift their spirits. Once their self-esteem was replenished, I became unnecessary and was cast aside.

Rather than giving up, I used these failings as a motivation to change myself.  I wished to become someone that was so perfect and proficient as a lover/partner that someone could see what I had to offer and cherish that.  By my early 20's I was able to actualize that state of being:  sensitive, caring, unselfish, attentive, empathic, sympathetic, complimentary, and devoted.  No one seemed to care.

I was always a bit artsy and by this time I was a musician, poet, appreciative of art and cinema, fairly well-read/literary, had a good sense of humor, and had a firm grasp of politics and current events.  Basically, I was very good company but it always ended the same:  they weren't physically attracted to me. Later on I found that I would have had many more chances but my "getting to know them first" route ended up turning me into a non-romantic entity.

Basically, there isn't a lot here to have drawn me to the D/s lifestyle, but the groundwork was set for me to embrace it.  I had naturally molded myself into a functional submissive.

To Be Continued in part 1b.

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