I don't watch porn. I've tried. I don't really care for it and never really have. This actually made me feel strange when I was younger, like it SHOULD arouse me and get my juices flowing.
After getting into kink I tried watching Femdom and more specialized porn. It still didn't do it for me.
I've been thinking about why and the best that I can come up with is that there's little, if any context to it. Who are they and why should I care what is happening? If I was a masochist I might like watching a woman spank a man more maybe? I don't know.
I've never been a big fan of posturing. I don't really like hearing a spew of cliches that I have never heard a woman or Domme say in real life. I've never been called a piggy or a worm. Do people really talk like that?
Occasionally I will stumble upon a still image that sets my mind ablaze. These usually have just enough environment where my brain kicks into overdrive and creates a story to create the context and give personalities to the characters. Is this still porn?
Frequently I hear people making references to men believing that lifestyle Femdom will "be like porn." To be honest, I don't really understand what this means.
Most of the Femdom porn I have watched usually involved some guy strapped to a table or a bondage cross while he gets flogged by some model-caliber woman dressed in fetish attire. Is there something that I am missing?
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
PSA: dominate is a verb
For those who spend time on fetlife or other forms of non-blog
kink-related electronic interactions you have probably seen a rise in
the number of people who misuse the word dominate.
“I am a dominate.”
“I am looking for a dominate.”
When I read this I want to stab myself in the face while setting my hair on fire.
Dominate is a verb. To dominate. You dominate. They dominate. They dominated.
Dominant is traditionally an adjective. They are dominant. They were dominant.
Dominant in the kink world is also a noun. They are a dominant. They were a dominant.
Please, when you see this out in the wild, do your part to help fight against unliteracy:P
“I am a dominate.”
“I am looking for a dominate.”
When I read this I want to stab myself in the face while setting my hair on fire.
Dominate is a verb. To dominate. You dominate. They dominate. They dominated.
Dominant is traditionally an adjective. They are dominant. They were dominant.
Dominant in the kink world is also a noun. They are a dominant. They were a dominant.
Please, when you see this out in the wild, do your part to help fight against unliteracy:P
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Kinks, Fetishes, and D/s
This past week I had someone ask me some questions about fetishes and it got me thinking quite a bit on the subject. This also seems to flow with some of the things I have written about over the past few days.
While there are those in the lifestyle that would deny the sexual nature of things, I believe that by and large Femdom and D/s are driven heavily by our sexuality. It is common in writing for the terms kink and fetish to be used interchangeably. While they are similar, I believe that all fetishes are kinks, but a bit stronger in their nature.
To confront these topics with clear definitions it requires the concept of "normal" sexual arousal. While people will probably hate the use of normal as the word choice, kinks and fetishes are widely considered to be abnormal or unusual, so it does serve as a starting point.
For clarity, here is how I would define a normal sexual response:
Arousal caused by the act or fantasy of sexual stimulation, physical intimacy, physical attraction, or emotional stimulation to someone of the opposite sex for heterosexuals/bisexuals or same sex for homosexuals/bisexuals.
So... thinking about sex, normal. Kissing, normal. Admiring an attractive face or body, normal. Being wooed by heartfelt and meaningful words, normal. Basically, this list covers what society at large consider(ed) to be appropriate actions.
A kink then becomes an act or fantasy that causes sexual arousal for reasons that fall outside of those basic categories. Being tied up (or tying someone up). Being spanked (or spanking someone). Having your face sat on (or sitting on someone's face). The list can go on and on.
Fetishes are of the same nature. What makes them a more refined version of a kink is the intensity of the desire. How I separate them in my own mind is that I see kinks as a preference and fetishes as a need. A kink you can do without. A fetish must be fed or the desire will overwhelm you.
The life of a fetishist is not an easy one. In many cases there is a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, and a cycle of self-loathing, purge, and rebound. Many a fetishist has wanted to wish it away, denied themselves, only to have it return later on just as strong or stronger as it was before. I have come to feel it is part of a person's sexuality.
The difficulty of fetishes in relationships are often because the significant other of the fetishist often feels threatened and diminished by the fetish object. e.g. a woman dating a man with a shoe fetishist may feel like he cares more about the shoes than about her. He may reinforce this idea if he would rather masturbate onto her shoes than have sex with her. He may reinforce it even more if he only notices her shoes, only buys her shoes as gifts, and seems to neglect giving her compliments over other aspects of her appearance, personality, or accomplishments.
It's kind of a vicious cycle, since piling guilt and shame onto a fetishist often makes the fetish even stronger. The majority of fetishists I have known over the years (myself included) have honestly desired to be able to wish the fetish away. Feeling guilt and shame over the arousal makes a situation ripe for fetish development. Most want to be normal many times over. Many have been rejected because of their fetish and fear rejection each and every time they reveal it to someone. Accepting someone's fetish will go a long long way to endear them to you.
Personally, I believe that a sub's kinks and fetishes provide the perfect tool to exploit. Their hope to have someone understand and accept their "abnormality" makes them naive when they encounter the most basic kindness in regards to it. They can be lulled into comfort and encouraged to share every deep and dark secret they have. They will will share their fantasies and give detailed accounts of what affects them. Once they have revealed it all they will be vulnerable... and prime to hear the Domme's "true thoughts" on it (which may be blatant lies). Letting him know that his fetish makes him less of a man, perverse, and shameful, but she graciously "tolerates" it as long as he provides quality and obedient service will keep him off-balance. He will worry that he is not good enough and in turn will try harder on all fronts. This provides reinforcement that most women would not accept him as he is and make him more likely to go "all in" with his dedication. It might appear kind of cruel but in actuality he will be ecstatic that he wasn't sent packing.
Once the fetish and its intricacies are known, it can be used and twisted in various ways. If he has a fetish for boots, they can be worn but only when he is locked in chastity. Or the fetish can only be used when accompanied by an act that he dislikes greatly, e.g. while inflicting significant (non-pleasurable) pain. Talking about it verbally and teasing with it can keep it as a continuous carrot to manipulate him. It also provides an additional symbol of desire that can be taken away and withheld.
Another route that can be taken in long-term relationships is forcing the sub to develop kinks (and possibly fetishes). Men can be conditioned sexually by creating sexual associations. Seducing him while he does chores and whispering something in his ear like, "It makes me so wet to see you so hard at work," will get things started and providing some form of pleasurable contact upon the completion of the chores is one example. It will not take long before he starts building a kink for doing chores. Similarly, strictly controlling the environment and acts of how he receives pleasure is quite effective. The repetition will breed associative familiarity. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, and so on will sink into the brain and become kinks. Limit his pleasure to this specific form over a long-period of time and it may create fetishes.
Once he has a set of abnormal desires worked into his sexuality, he is prime for a bit of insecurity to exploit. If a Domme makes it clear that she is the only one who would accept someone broken like that, he will be forever tied to her in that way.
While these techniques might not appeal to everyone, I'm guessing there are a handful of people out there thinking "ooh, I want to do that." In any case, I am living proof that these techniques are quite effective.
While there are those in the lifestyle that would deny the sexual nature of things, I believe that by and large Femdom and D/s are driven heavily by our sexuality. It is common in writing for the terms kink and fetish to be used interchangeably. While they are similar, I believe that all fetishes are kinks, but a bit stronger in their nature.
To confront these topics with clear definitions it requires the concept of "normal" sexual arousal. While people will probably hate the use of normal as the word choice, kinks and fetishes are widely considered to be abnormal or unusual, so it does serve as a starting point.
For clarity, here is how I would define a normal sexual response:
Arousal caused by the act or fantasy of sexual stimulation, physical intimacy, physical attraction, or emotional stimulation to someone of the opposite sex for heterosexuals/bisexuals or same sex for homosexuals/bisexuals.
So... thinking about sex, normal. Kissing, normal. Admiring an attractive face or body, normal. Being wooed by heartfelt and meaningful words, normal. Basically, this list covers what society at large consider(ed) to be appropriate actions.
A kink then becomes an act or fantasy that causes sexual arousal for reasons that fall outside of those basic categories. Being tied up (or tying someone up). Being spanked (or spanking someone). Having your face sat on (or sitting on someone's face). The list can go on and on.
Fetishes are of the same nature. What makes them a more refined version of a kink is the intensity of the desire. How I separate them in my own mind is that I see kinks as a preference and fetishes as a need. A kink you can do without. A fetish must be fed or the desire will overwhelm you.
The life of a fetishist is not an easy one. In many cases there is a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, and a cycle of self-loathing, purge, and rebound. Many a fetishist has wanted to wish it away, denied themselves, only to have it return later on just as strong or stronger as it was before. I have come to feel it is part of a person's sexuality.
The difficulty of fetishes in relationships are often because the significant other of the fetishist often feels threatened and diminished by the fetish object. e.g. a woman dating a man with a shoe fetishist may feel like he cares more about the shoes than about her. He may reinforce this idea if he would rather masturbate onto her shoes than have sex with her. He may reinforce it even more if he only notices her shoes, only buys her shoes as gifts, and seems to neglect giving her compliments over other aspects of her appearance, personality, or accomplishments.
It's kind of a vicious cycle, since piling guilt and shame onto a fetishist often makes the fetish even stronger. The majority of fetishists I have known over the years (myself included) have honestly desired to be able to wish the fetish away. Feeling guilt and shame over the arousal makes a situation ripe for fetish development. Most want to be normal many times over. Many have been rejected because of their fetish and fear rejection each and every time they reveal it to someone. Accepting someone's fetish will go a long long way to endear them to you.
Personally, I believe that a sub's kinks and fetishes provide the perfect tool to exploit. Their hope to have someone understand and accept their "abnormality" makes them naive when they encounter the most basic kindness in regards to it. They can be lulled into comfort and encouraged to share every deep and dark secret they have. They will will share their fantasies and give detailed accounts of what affects them. Once they have revealed it all they will be vulnerable... and prime to hear the Domme's "true thoughts" on it (which may be blatant lies). Letting him know that his fetish makes him less of a man, perverse, and shameful, but she graciously "tolerates" it as long as he provides quality and obedient service will keep him off-balance. He will worry that he is not good enough and in turn will try harder on all fronts. This provides reinforcement that most women would not accept him as he is and make him more likely to go "all in" with his dedication. It might appear kind of cruel but in actuality he will be ecstatic that he wasn't sent packing.
Once the fetish and its intricacies are known, it can be used and twisted in various ways. If he has a fetish for boots, they can be worn but only when he is locked in chastity. Or the fetish can only be used when accompanied by an act that he dislikes greatly, e.g. while inflicting significant (non-pleasurable) pain. Talking about it verbally and teasing with it can keep it as a continuous carrot to manipulate him. It also provides an additional symbol of desire that can be taken away and withheld.
Another route that can be taken in long-term relationships is forcing the sub to develop kinks (and possibly fetishes). Men can be conditioned sexually by creating sexual associations. Seducing him while he does chores and whispering something in his ear like, "It makes me so wet to see you so hard at work," will get things started and providing some form of pleasurable contact upon the completion of the chores is one example. It will not take long before he starts building a kink for doing chores. Similarly, strictly controlling the environment and acts of how he receives pleasure is quite effective. The repetition will breed associative familiarity. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, and so on will sink into the brain and become kinks. Limit his pleasure to this specific form over a long-period of time and it may create fetishes.
Once he has a set of abnormal desires worked into his sexuality, he is prime for a bit of insecurity to exploit. If a Domme makes it clear that she is the only one who would accept someone broken like that, he will be forever tied to her in that way.
While these techniques might not appeal to everyone, I'm guessing there are a handful of people out there thinking "ooh, I want to do that." In any case, I am living proof that these techniques are quite effective.
Monday, October 2, 2017
Addicted to Shame
I've gone a few days without being able to channel the deep submissive feelings that I desire to have. I've been trying to figure out what has been missing and I'm feeling like I am understanding it a bit better.
I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late. It has been nice.
The answer sort of jumped out after that. I am addicted to shame.
When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it. I feel undeserving of it. I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.
When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self. I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself. My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.
To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn. When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down. I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people. It feels wrong. When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall. Everything makes more sense from this perspective. This is my equilibrium. My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state.
I feel like I'm addicted to shame.
I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late. It has been nice.
The answer sort of jumped out after that. I am addicted to shame.
When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it. I feel undeserving of it. I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.
When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self. I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself. My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.
To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn. When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down. I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people. It feels wrong. When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall. Everything makes more sense from this perspective. This is my equilibrium. My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state.
I feel like I'm addicted to shame.
Thoughts on developing dominance
As there are fewer available Dommes than available male subs, opportunities are often dependent upon newer Dommes entering the lifestyle. This may be a single woman looking for the first time or a woman in a long-term relationship that has decided to enter the role, often at the behest of their significant other with submissive tendencies.
In both cases, newer Dommes face a very steep learning curve. Early on they will often scour the internet for resources and probably get a bit freaked out by porn or from the written words of experienced veterans. It is hard to be confident when you do not have a history of success to draw confidence from. It is hard to know what you want when you have not thought about life in this way. While many protocols are easy to teach/learn, other aspects require experience and developing an independent dominant identity.
In many ways it is easier to embrace submission than it is to embrace dominance. When we look at the what we deem to be positive characteristics in other humans it becomes clear. When we talk about "good people," it usually means someone is caring, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, sensitive, helpful, patient, self-sacrificing, and so on. The ideal submissive role runs pretty parallel to the ideal good person.
The dominant is often encouraged not to abide by these standards. It is okay to be selfish and impulsive. It is okay to manipulate and use. It is okay to torment and inflict various types of pain. It is okay to take without giving back. It is okay to do all of these things without remorse. Outside of the consensual lifestyle, these are the characteristics we mostly associate with sociopaths, narcissists, and the like. It takes a lot more than a simple explanation of "this is what makes both parties happy so it is okay" to overcome the mental hurdle involved here. It takes a lot of time, growth, and understanding as to how everything fits together, how to embrace power/control, and to be able to do it all without guilt. This process can't really be rushed.
What inevitably happens during the early stages is that the Domme is heavily dependent on feedback, ideas, and suggestions from the sub as she gets her feet wet. A common narrative for this type of interaction is that as time passes, the sub will feel more and more comfortable guiding things where they want it to go and the Domme slowly grows in confidence and begins to develop her own philosophies and desires. At some point, these paths clash and what began as "helpful suggestion" has now evolved into "topping from the bottom."
I have been in relationships with newer Dommes before. I have also served as a bit of a mentor for a number of women that were new to the lifestyle. It can be a challenge to guide while avoiding the clash in the future. This can be hard to do at times because it involves diminishing your own desires and preferences. Encouraging her to find her own path, her own views, and her own philosophies involves putting the emphasis upon her. I want her to find what she wants. Seeking her own interests and valuing my opinion less and less. I feel like things have grown successfully when my opinion barely matters if it matters at all. I feel like we are there when she values her own desires more than she values my feelings. I don't know if this route is "correct," but I want my input to become obsolete.
In both cases, newer Dommes face a very steep learning curve. Early on they will often scour the internet for resources and probably get a bit freaked out by porn or from the written words of experienced veterans. It is hard to be confident when you do not have a history of success to draw confidence from. It is hard to know what you want when you have not thought about life in this way. While many protocols are easy to teach/learn, other aspects require experience and developing an independent dominant identity.
In many ways it is easier to embrace submission than it is to embrace dominance. When we look at the what we deem to be positive characteristics in other humans it becomes clear. When we talk about "good people," it usually means someone is caring, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, sensitive, helpful, patient, self-sacrificing, and so on. The ideal submissive role runs pretty parallel to the ideal good person.
The dominant is often encouraged not to abide by these standards. It is okay to be selfish and impulsive. It is okay to manipulate and use. It is okay to torment and inflict various types of pain. It is okay to take without giving back. It is okay to do all of these things without remorse. Outside of the consensual lifestyle, these are the characteristics we mostly associate with sociopaths, narcissists, and the like. It takes a lot more than a simple explanation of "this is what makes both parties happy so it is okay" to overcome the mental hurdle involved here. It takes a lot of time, growth, and understanding as to how everything fits together, how to embrace power/control, and to be able to do it all without guilt. This process can't really be rushed.
What inevitably happens during the early stages is that the Domme is heavily dependent on feedback, ideas, and suggestions from the sub as she gets her feet wet. A common narrative for this type of interaction is that as time passes, the sub will feel more and more comfortable guiding things where they want it to go and the Domme slowly grows in confidence and begins to develop her own philosophies and desires. At some point, these paths clash and what began as "helpful suggestion" has now evolved into "topping from the bottom."
I have been in relationships with newer Dommes before. I have also served as a bit of a mentor for a number of women that were new to the lifestyle. It can be a challenge to guide while avoiding the clash in the future. This can be hard to do at times because it involves diminishing your own desires and preferences. Encouraging her to find her own path, her own views, and her own philosophies involves putting the emphasis upon her. I want her to find what she wants. Seeking her own interests and valuing my opinion less and less. I feel like things have grown successfully when my opinion barely matters if it matters at all. I feel like we are there when she values her own desires more than she values my feelings. I don't know if this route is "correct," but I want my input to become obsolete.
The expectation of kink-shaming
It's sort of odd that while I am able to easily share highly personal and difficult memories, I struggle like hell to "own" the way that many of my kinks and fetishes affect me. There is no peace inside my heart in regards to them. I have not truly come to terms with them. I have never learned to accept myself in this way.
A lot of this is due to the residual effects of being shamed at a young age. It caused certain things to be taboo. It created boatloads of guilt following desire. Many pleasurable experiences were followed up by deep feelings of self-loathing. I would love to say that since entering BDSM that this has gotten easier. It hasn't.
Kink-shaming is an odd one because it ranges from overt to covert, with everything in between. As the BDSM community as a whole is still vastly M/f, it is inevitable if you spend time in communities to hear "a real man" phrases. A real man would do this. A real man would never do that. This phrase is mostly used by male dominants and the majority of its uses imply that submissive men are not real men. I don't know if they are all that aware of what it actually says about them. I have known a number of respectable, respectful, and intelligent male dominants and none of them would ever use a phrase like that. Eventually you just learn to shut off the noise from that side of things but remain readily aware that at least one demographic in the scene will most likely look down at you.
Female subs are generally split on the subject. It depends heavily if they see you as similar to how they are or if they focus on how different you are. The ones who focus on the differences are the types to rally around the "a real man" phrases.
Dommes vary so greatly in their desires that it is rather unpredictable. Once you get a feel for their philosophies it becomes easier to guess what type of reaction you will receive. Often you receive the reaction before you ever make it to the philosophies.
Many of the negative reactions come from (mostly deserved) stereotypes. e.g. If a sub is into _____, then they are likely focused only on themselves and have this ideal of a fantasy lifestyle that will never happen. This isn't the type of philosophy that is formed out of thin air... it is built up over months of wasted time, harassment, and a whole lot of rude messages. The worse the experiences, the stronger the feelings.
There are also the cases where there is no perceived benefit to the Domme and/or they do not grasp how it will influence and affect dynamics in a positive way. In some cases this can lead to a discussion. In other cases it is written off without a second thought.
"Your Kink is Not My Kink," aka YKINMK, can mean a spectrum of things. In an ideal world, I believe it would always mean "I understand your kink, I'm just not into that." In the actual world it sometimes is the politically correct form of calling you a freak. e.g. I say this to your face, but behind closed doors I will slam you for being a perverse deviant. This happens so often in the vanilla world that it's rarely shocking. When it happens in what is supposed to be an open-minded community, it stings twice as bad. In case it seems like I'm slinging mud here, I am prone to doing it on occasion as well. If someone wants to talk about shit-eating as a kink, I play the hard limit card and try to get away from the subject as quickly as possible because it grosses me out.
Really, I don't think we expect everyone to like us. We might wish for it, but everywhere you go there will be people that you mesh with and people that you just cannot seem to find common ground with. We don't always need "like" for "respect and accept." I believe what people fear the most is outright rejection.
Many times in the kink community, people see you as your role. They see you as your kinks. They screen you with those factors first before seeing you as a person.
I expect to be kink-shamed. I expect to be shown a polite face of "your kink is not my kink," while knowing full well that they are telling their friend that I am a freak. I expect that most male dominants won't speak to me because of my role and interests. It's kind of strange to believe that initial judgments will happen so quickly and severely. I see this as shaming in its own light. Making you feel unwanted because of your role or interests is basically the same thing, isn't it? Judging you for checklists on a page instead of who you are as a person never feels good.
This is why I dance around certain subjects and have trouble just being forthcoming with how things affect me. I'm scared. This is the most vulnerable and truest side of my private self. If someone rejects it, it hurts the worst because it is the true me. Often I will hide it and only give enough detail so that people will have to see me as a person first.
Taking this a step farther, I have actually fetishized kink-shaming to an extent. The caveat is that rejection is not involved. If someone accepts me and keeps me around as a sub (or even just as a friend), I don't mind them thinking that I am perverse. This actually fuels my submissive mental space and I never doubt the truth behind their words. It makes me feel screwed up inside... but in a good way, because they point out everything I already fear to be true, but they keep me around instead of leaving me behind. This is the closest that I come to finding peace with my kinks.
A lot of this is due to the residual effects of being shamed at a young age. It caused certain things to be taboo. It created boatloads of guilt following desire. Many pleasurable experiences were followed up by deep feelings of self-loathing. I would love to say that since entering BDSM that this has gotten easier. It hasn't.
Kink-shaming is an odd one because it ranges from overt to covert, with everything in between. As the BDSM community as a whole is still vastly M/f, it is inevitable if you spend time in communities to hear "a real man" phrases. A real man would do this. A real man would never do that. This phrase is mostly used by male dominants and the majority of its uses imply that submissive men are not real men. I don't know if they are all that aware of what it actually says about them. I have known a number of respectable, respectful, and intelligent male dominants and none of them would ever use a phrase like that. Eventually you just learn to shut off the noise from that side of things but remain readily aware that at least one demographic in the scene will most likely look down at you.
Female subs are generally split on the subject. It depends heavily if they see you as similar to how they are or if they focus on how different you are. The ones who focus on the differences are the types to rally around the "a real man" phrases.
Dommes vary so greatly in their desires that it is rather unpredictable. Once you get a feel for their philosophies it becomes easier to guess what type of reaction you will receive. Often you receive the reaction before you ever make it to the philosophies.
Many of the negative reactions come from (mostly deserved) stereotypes. e.g. If a sub is into _____, then they are likely focused only on themselves and have this ideal of a fantasy lifestyle that will never happen. This isn't the type of philosophy that is formed out of thin air... it is built up over months of wasted time, harassment, and a whole lot of rude messages. The worse the experiences, the stronger the feelings.
There are also the cases where there is no perceived benefit to the Domme and/or they do not grasp how it will influence and affect dynamics in a positive way. In some cases this can lead to a discussion. In other cases it is written off without a second thought.
"Your Kink is Not My Kink," aka YKINMK, can mean a spectrum of things. In an ideal world, I believe it would always mean "I understand your kink, I'm just not into that." In the actual world it sometimes is the politically correct form of calling you a freak. e.g. I say this to your face, but behind closed doors I will slam you for being a perverse deviant. This happens so often in the vanilla world that it's rarely shocking. When it happens in what is supposed to be an open-minded community, it stings twice as bad. In case it seems like I'm slinging mud here, I am prone to doing it on occasion as well. If someone wants to talk about shit-eating as a kink, I play the hard limit card and try to get away from the subject as quickly as possible because it grosses me out.
Really, I don't think we expect everyone to like us. We might wish for it, but everywhere you go there will be people that you mesh with and people that you just cannot seem to find common ground with. We don't always need "like" for "respect and accept." I believe what people fear the most is outright rejection.
Many times in the kink community, people see you as your role. They see you as your kinks. They screen you with those factors first before seeing you as a person.
I expect to be kink-shamed. I expect to be shown a polite face of "your kink is not my kink," while knowing full well that they are telling their friend that I am a freak. I expect that most male dominants won't speak to me because of my role and interests. It's kind of strange to believe that initial judgments will happen so quickly and severely. I see this as shaming in its own light. Making you feel unwanted because of your role or interests is basically the same thing, isn't it? Judging you for checklists on a page instead of who you are as a person never feels good.
This is why I dance around certain subjects and have trouble just being forthcoming with how things affect me. I'm scared. This is the most vulnerable and truest side of my private self. If someone rejects it, it hurts the worst because it is the true me. Often I will hide it and only give enough detail so that people will have to see me as a person first.
Taking this a step farther, I have actually fetishized kink-shaming to an extent. The caveat is that rejection is not involved. If someone accepts me and keeps me around as a sub (or even just as a friend), I don't mind them thinking that I am perverse. This actually fuels my submissive mental space and I never doubt the truth behind their words. It makes me feel screwed up inside... but in a good way, because they point out everything I already fear to be true, but they keep me around instead of leaving me behind. This is the closest that I come to finding peace with my kinks.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Thoughts on gender, submission, life
My mind has been wandering a lot on various topics. Domina Jen's most recent post as well as my Random thoughts on arousal post just have the wheels turning in my mind on related subject matter. Forgive me if I repeat any topics that I have covered somewhere in the past. I have written about so many things that I end up repeating myself quite often even if it is years apart.
I can remember the time in my life where I first found myself envious of girls and women. I'm not so blind that I would say that women have things better. There are plenty of ways in which society, history, religion, and lesser evolved humans attempt to keep women down. There are plenty of standards by which women are measured that are not fair. Things are different for women than they are for men. I believe that most people would agree with that statement.
It was in my mid to late teen years when I found myself experiencing an emotional awakening of sorts after years of repression. I hadn't been close with a girl since preschool. My hardened outward self had made me someone that wasn't conducive to that (I was a prick and they wanted nothing to do with me). When I allowed myself to soften I found myself in quite a few friendships with women. From 16-24, the vast majority of my friendships were with women. It wasn't long before I could start to see why it was so easy to connect with them on an emotional and personal level.
Up until that point I pretty much had two types of experiences with male peers. 1. Jocks. 2. The "gifted" kids. The jocks were, as you could have guessed, pretty typical of jocks. In that world, the big, the strong, and the fast excel. Once the pack leader has been chosen, everyone sort of falls into line and maintains an "acceptable" type of behavior in order to fit in. Group think, mob mentality, and following the guy that is the most likely to end up as the starting quarterback/point guard/ace pitcher in high school. Weakness is devoured.
The gifted kids had a similar type of hierarchy. In most cases, there is a somewhat socially competent kid of above average intelligence with parents that led him to believe he is God's gift to Elvis. This becomes the pack leader and he sets the tone for the vibes and acceptable preferences of the group. They are the one that decides that the Highlander is awesome and everyone else must agree. More group think. More repressed self.
I remember during my emotionally "dead" time that I just go so fucking tired of people insisting how to act, what to like, what to dislike, and so on. It also became abundantly clear that I would not be able to share any of my inner-self within those environments. Too much risk. No compassion or empathy. I willingly dropped from the gifted programs around the same time I quit sports. I was fed up.
It took me a while to be able to express myself. In the earlier stages, I simply listened to people and empathized with them. I was able to express and put into words what they were feeling far better than I could sort through my own emotions. Many of my very early dear friends were girls. They were the ones who could express themselves. They were the ones who could voice their doubts, their fears, and their desires. Their pressures were different. In the mid-90's they were fighting on two fronts: society's insistence that they be thin and pretty and the rising belief that women should be empowered, confident, and free.
While this duality would often damaged their self-esteem, a great difference was that they were comfortable having feelings, expressing them, and showing their true selves. Even after awakening I still maintained a specific face I showed to the world. I still felt a need to constantly be on the defensive and protect myself. Knowing how far off I was from the societal ideal male damaged my self-esteem as well, I just wasn't allowed to talk about it.
I began to notice the girls had a freedom of emotion. They had a freedom of self. At this time, at least in my school, the 1980's ideals were crumbling at a rapid pace. Being independent and different was encouraged. A nerd girl? Hot. A "weird" girl with pink hair? Hot. She has that "ordinary girl next door thing going on?" Hot. It was like... they could be anything and there would always be people who were accepting of that and wanting to be around.
The corresponding male counterpart seemed to be stuck in a role dictated by appearances. An attitude. A way to dress. Be cool. Always be cool. You HAVE to be cool. It was just another form of restriction that led to false behaviors.
I remember when I first started to feel envy. I envied the emotional freedom and expression. I envied the ease with which they could express themselves in physical contact. I envied that they could like what they wanted to like without fearing peer judgment.
This wasn't all hearts and flowers. There were also the eating disorders, backstabbing, double-standards, and the like. The same behaviors were running rampant in my guy friends, the key difference being their inability to cope and deal with their own emotions. As I grew older I began to respect homosexuals a whole lot for the courage and strength it takes to live openly and weather out the storm of a society that is still largely intolerant.
I kept all of these thoughts to myself.
As I grew older and discovered certain websites (e.g. NTCweb), my fur fetish and Femdom fantasies began to grow exponentially. If anyone had found out about these things, I have no doubt that I would have killed myself. That was the depth and shame of the secret parts of myself that I kept hidden.
As my abundant friendships with women continued and I returned to the cold climate after spending a few years on the coast, I certainly began to notice a few things. As I was on a large campus that routinely involved 15 minute walks from my car to a class or standing outside waiting for a bus for 20 minutes in the freezing cold, I found myself at the store, actually looking at scarves, hats, and the like that I had shunned for so many years. On that same trip, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the women's section as well, my heart racing and body temperature rising as I looked over the fur-trimmed coats and accessories. After spending 30 minutes working up some courage, I finally managed to touch a handful of things with the cover story of "looking for a gift for my girlfriend" in case I was approached.
To my surprise, a scarf in the women's section was half the weight, twice as warm, and about ten times as soft as a scarf in the men's section. Even if they were both acrylic, they found a way to make the women's version infinitely nicer and there were dozens of variations of color, style, and material to choose from. Apparently with our 5 o'clock shadows we aren't supposed to be able to tell the difference between luxury softness and two-notches smoother than sandpaper.
This was a sticking point of another form of envy. Women had access to things that are much nicer. The people catering to them understood that comfort matters. In addition to comfort, they were also more functional (warmth to weight ratio). A woman could have gone out and purchased a fur scarf and then enjoyed the feel of it while it kept her warm. I had to spend an hour doing laps in a nervous sweat before working up the courage to touch the fur scarf on the rack before scurrying home and throwing up out of shame and guilt. She could have purchased a men's scarf and worn it without harm. Had I done the same I would have faced ridicule, scorn, and the risk of physical violence.
Men aren't supposed to enjoy themselves in that way. They aren't supposed to want to be pampered and made to feel physically good. Has anyone ever wondered why with all the fat dudes out there that they don't make men's jeans with a stretch denim waistband?
As time moved on, I entered the world of BDSM. As I delved into communities, both local and online, I quickly began to notice just how much easier it was for women to express their submission, preferences, and the like than men were. I actually remembered back as early as high school meeting girls that were open about kink and that persisted in college as well. On the other hand, I was terrified. For years I had lived in secret shame with my kinks and fetishes. I had never told anyone about M and the way that she would tie me up. Even after my experiences with K, I was deathly afraid of admitting what I was into.
In a lot of ways, male subs are seen as lowly. There are a huge number of them that go around spamming every Domme around with cock shots and the results are quite damaging because it is difficult to differentiate yourself from the rest. The more intense your kinks are, the more likely you are to be written off as a fantasy wanker. On the other side, there seems to be far fewer inhibitions by women to be open about their kinks. Many can comfortably cite them as part of themselves with a "take it or leave it" attitude.
I wish I could be brave enough to just openly like what I like. I wish I could be strong enough to just show my true face more often. I probably will never be able to do so.
I can remember the time in my life where I first found myself envious of girls and women. I'm not so blind that I would say that women have things better. There are plenty of ways in which society, history, religion, and lesser evolved humans attempt to keep women down. There are plenty of standards by which women are measured that are not fair. Things are different for women than they are for men. I believe that most people would agree with that statement.
It was in my mid to late teen years when I found myself experiencing an emotional awakening of sorts after years of repression. I hadn't been close with a girl since preschool. My hardened outward self had made me someone that wasn't conducive to that (I was a prick and they wanted nothing to do with me). When I allowed myself to soften I found myself in quite a few friendships with women. From 16-24, the vast majority of my friendships were with women. It wasn't long before I could start to see why it was so easy to connect with them on an emotional and personal level.
Up until that point I pretty much had two types of experiences with male peers. 1. Jocks. 2. The "gifted" kids. The jocks were, as you could have guessed, pretty typical of jocks. In that world, the big, the strong, and the fast excel. Once the pack leader has been chosen, everyone sort of falls into line and maintains an "acceptable" type of behavior in order to fit in. Group think, mob mentality, and following the guy that is the most likely to end up as the starting quarterback/point guard/ace pitcher in high school. Weakness is devoured.
The gifted kids had a similar type of hierarchy. In most cases, there is a somewhat socially competent kid of above average intelligence with parents that led him to believe he is God's gift to Elvis. This becomes the pack leader and he sets the tone for the vibes and acceptable preferences of the group. They are the one that decides that the Highlander is awesome and everyone else must agree. More group think. More repressed self.
I remember during my emotionally "dead" time that I just go so fucking tired of people insisting how to act, what to like, what to dislike, and so on. It also became abundantly clear that I would not be able to share any of my inner-self within those environments. Too much risk. No compassion or empathy. I willingly dropped from the gifted programs around the same time I quit sports. I was fed up.
It took me a while to be able to express myself. In the earlier stages, I simply listened to people and empathized with them. I was able to express and put into words what they were feeling far better than I could sort through my own emotions. Many of my very early dear friends were girls. They were the ones who could express themselves. They were the ones who could voice their doubts, their fears, and their desires. Their pressures were different. In the mid-90's they were fighting on two fronts: society's insistence that they be thin and pretty and the rising belief that women should be empowered, confident, and free.
While this duality would often damaged their self-esteem, a great difference was that they were comfortable having feelings, expressing them, and showing their true selves. Even after awakening I still maintained a specific face I showed to the world. I still felt a need to constantly be on the defensive and protect myself. Knowing how far off I was from the societal ideal male damaged my self-esteem as well, I just wasn't allowed to talk about it.
I began to notice the girls had a freedom of emotion. They had a freedom of self. At this time, at least in my school, the 1980's ideals were crumbling at a rapid pace. Being independent and different was encouraged. A nerd girl? Hot. A "weird" girl with pink hair? Hot. She has that "ordinary girl next door thing going on?" Hot. It was like... they could be anything and there would always be people who were accepting of that and wanting to be around.
The corresponding male counterpart seemed to be stuck in a role dictated by appearances. An attitude. A way to dress. Be cool. Always be cool. You HAVE to be cool. It was just another form of restriction that led to false behaviors.
I remember when I first started to feel envy. I envied the emotional freedom and expression. I envied the ease with which they could express themselves in physical contact. I envied that they could like what they wanted to like without fearing peer judgment.
This wasn't all hearts and flowers. There were also the eating disorders, backstabbing, double-standards, and the like. The same behaviors were running rampant in my guy friends, the key difference being their inability to cope and deal with their own emotions. As I grew older I began to respect homosexuals a whole lot for the courage and strength it takes to live openly and weather out the storm of a society that is still largely intolerant.
I kept all of these thoughts to myself.
As I grew older and discovered certain websites (e.g. NTCweb), my fur fetish and Femdom fantasies began to grow exponentially. If anyone had found out about these things, I have no doubt that I would have killed myself. That was the depth and shame of the secret parts of myself that I kept hidden.
As my abundant friendships with women continued and I returned to the cold climate after spending a few years on the coast, I certainly began to notice a few things. As I was on a large campus that routinely involved 15 minute walks from my car to a class or standing outside waiting for a bus for 20 minutes in the freezing cold, I found myself at the store, actually looking at scarves, hats, and the like that I had shunned for so many years. On that same trip, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the women's section as well, my heart racing and body temperature rising as I looked over the fur-trimmed coats and accessories. After spending 30 minutes working up some courage, I finally managed to touch a handful of things with the cover story of "looking for a gift for my girlfriend" in case I was approached.
To my surprise, a scarf in the women's section was half the weight, twice as warm, and about ten times as soft as a scarf in the men's section. Even if they were both acrylic, they found a way to make the women's version infinitely nicer and there were dozens of variations of color, style, and material to choose from. Apparently with our 5 o'clock shadows we aren't supposed to be able to tell the difference between luxury softness and two-notches smoother than sandpaper.
This was a sticking point of another form of envy. Women had access to things that are much nicer. The people catering to them understood that comfort matters. In addition to comfort, they were also more functional (warmth to weight ratio). A woman could have gone out and purchased a fur scarf and then enjoyed the feel of it while it kept her warm. I had to spend an hour doing laps in a nervous sweat before working up the courage to touch the fur scarf on the rack before scurrying home and throwing up out of shame and guilt. She could have purchased a men's scarf and worn it without harm. Had I done the same I would have faced ridicule, scorn, and the risk of physical violence.
Men aren't supposed to enjoy themselves in that way. They aren't supposed to want to be pampered and made to feel physically good. Has anyone ever wondered why with all the fat dudes out there that they don't make men's jeans with a stretch denim waistband?
As time moved on, I entered the world of BDSM. As I delved into communities, both local and online, I quickly began to notice just how much easier it was for women to express their submission, preferences, and the like than men were. I actually remembered back as early as high school meeting girls that were open about kink and that persisted in college as well. On the other hand, I was terrified. For years I had lived in secret shame with my kinks and fetishes. I had never told anyone about M and the way that she would tie me up. Even after my experiences with K, I was deathly afraid of admitting what I was into.
In a lot of ways, male subs are seen as lowly. There are a huge number of them that go around spamming every Domme around with cock shots and the results are quite damaging because it is difficult to differentiate yourself from the rest. The more intense your kinks are, the more likely you are to be written off as a fantasy wanker. On the other side, there seems to be far fewer inhibitions by women to be open about their kinks. Many can comfortably cite them as part of themselves with a "take it or leave it" attitude.
I wish I could be brave enough to just openly like what I like. I wish I could be strong enough to just show my true face more often. I probably will never be able to do so.
New Drawings... although not my usual
I've been getting a lot more interactions on the Wordpress side of things. After posting a handful of drawings and getting some encouragement I ended up doing a drawing. This is sort of an ongoing joke with another blogger that I correspond with, Nora. While her blog is M/f, she writes well and delves into subjects quite thoroughly.
The reference is to some jokes about her upcoming Halloween costume that has been ongoing for several months.
I figured I would share them here.
This was the original version.
Without text and a recolor:
There was a request put in for more cleavage, so I made some changes:
The reference is to some jokes about her upcoming Halloween costume that has been ongoing for several months.
I figured I would share them here.
This was the original version.
Without text and a recolor:
There was a request put in for more cleavage, so I made some changes:
Friday, September 29, 2017
Why I give up control follow up: my father and examples of relationships
I received some comments from Mrs Fever on my post Why I give up control in regards to my adopted father's role in his marriage to my adopted mother.
My adopted father was a very emotionally repressed person. He was raised in a small sect of an Old Testament-based puritanical religion. For those who aren't familiar with what that means, it was basically being raised around the principles from the "fire and brimstone" era of the Bible. Sin and go to hell. It differed greatly from more common versions of Christianity that are more about love and forgiveness. He was one of the middle children of 6 and grew up quite poor. e.g. all 6 of them shared one bicycle. He would work after school at his family's business and once a week would get enough allowance to buy a candy bar and a comic book.
His father was a strict disciplinarian. His mother deferred to his father for everything. Two years before I was adopted his mother died from cancer and on her death bed her final words before she died were, "I hope God can forgive you for marrying her." Her = my adopted mother = not of their religion. After that moment he never again told my adopted mother that he loved her and the slow process of their marriage's erosion ensued. His family's belief was that my mother's tubal pregnancy that rendered her unable to bear children was seen as God's punishment for her unwillingness to convert to their religion. Needless to say, I never got close with my father's side of the family.
There weren't many opportunities available to him, which led to his rage and the subsequent beatings I would receive if I didn't want to do something. It made me an ungrateful spoiled brat because when he was my age, he would have killed for the opportunity to do it. As I was quite small until I turned 15, this was enough to keep me compliant with most things. There really wasn't any love or affection. We never had those bonding father/son talks. I learned about sex and anatomy from Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines I bought from a friend. If I played badly at little league I would be lucky if he spoke two words to me until I was able to redeem myself in a future game. Eventually I became neurotic, feeling like I had to be perfect and amazing in order to earn any type of acknowledgment. My father was the Picasso of piss poor communicators that would repress emotions until they boiled over. Unfortunately he would speak with his fists, but at least then we had the consolation of knowing what he was feeling rather than sifting through and deciphering passive aggressive secret codes.
With that in mind, it is probably a shock that my mother dominated the relationship. In most cases one would probably assume that my parents held some form of 1950's household or something more closely resembling his parents marriage. My father wasn't particularly interesting. He was above average intelligence but not particularly smart. He had relatively few social skills and poor understanding of human emotion. I honestly don't know how he reached the professional position that he did. As his childhood home was one where the mother did all of the "women's work," he never learned how to do much around the house. As they were dirt poor, he never learned to manage money and finances. His upbringing kept his social ties limited. Most of his experiences were part of being with his brothers that were close in age or other people of the same religion. Basically, he depended upon people just being there and wasn't good at meeting people, let alone making friends with them. I suppose this was probably difficult being a teen when drinking smoking, dancing, kissing, listening to "devil music," and the like were all damnable offenses.
Overall, he had very few life skills. He couldn't cook. He couldn't clean something that wasn't a car. He couldn't do laundry. He couldn't grocery shop. He couldn't balance his checkbook. My mother managed everything at home, from finances to which family friends we were going to spend time with, where we were going on vacation, what we were eating that night, and so on. While he was the primary breadwinner, he had very little control over the family as a whole.
My adopted mother was a bit of a hen-pecker, and this got worse over time. She constantly has to have everything be exactly as she wants it, even if that means over-extending herself into a stressed out and frantic state. She refuses help that won't do things exactly as she envisions them and then complains about how she has to do it all herself. While her heart is in the right place, she is the type that erodes people's self-confidence slowly over time with under-handed cryptic words and ensuring that people will fail to meet her expectations. This was the basic example presented to me on how relationships are supposed to work.
Post-divorce, my mother married a man that she could outright bully into compliance. She would press and press and press until my step-father would finally try to stand up for himself. She would then counter with why he's wrong, and press in a different way until he gave in. Out of the gate she seized control over everything she had controlled in the previous marriage.
My father married a woman that could be kindly described as a "cold-hearted bitch." Her demeanor in relationships was something along the lines of, "I tolerate you. You're an idiot. I'm always right. This is how things are." This woman was a long-time friend of the family and we had seen her break down her first husband in a way led to an earlier divorce. It was obvious before they married that she was calling all the shots and my father carried the shame of living in her ex-husband's shadow (who had made a lot more money than he did).
Out of these four parental figures, while my step-father had the highest IQ, my step-mother won out on tenacity, psychological warfare, and understanding how to manipulate people. In all of the relationships it was obvious that the woman was the primary shot-caller and the man's role was to facilitate her will.
The rest of this post doesn't really pertain to my father, but does relate back to the Why I give up control post.
Some time ago I had also written about how my class in school was one that was riding the backlash of a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit against the school district that the district lost badly. As part of the settlement, they clamped down on the rules so strongly to where the typical adolescent ritual of flirting was crippled. The rules as they were put in place, gave girls an immense level of power over the boys. If a boy made a girl feel uncomfortable, she only had to report him and he would be suspended and/or expelled. There were 2-3 years worth of students that basically were scared to flirt, date, and the like.
If you were a boy and interested in a girl, everything had to be done outside of school. This usually required having a platonic friendship first before trying to advance things to a relationship level. If you were a boy you didn't get to know a girl "in that way" in school or ask them out on a date to get to know them. The rules were written in such a way that girls could make advances on boys, but not the other way around. With the exception of the students that transferred into our district, in say, 1993 or later, the girls were empowered and boys were relatively passive.
Needless to say, the majority of my friends that ended up in relationships mirrored the relationship between my parents and step parents. The girls were the ones who chose them. They were the shot-callers. The boys went along with what they wanted. This is just how things were.
Sometimes it seems like everything in my life helped steer me to this lifestyle.
My adopted father was a very emotionally repressed person. He was raised in a small sect of an Old Testament-based puritanical religion. For those who aren't familiar with what that means, it was basically being raised around the principles from the "fire and brimstone" era of the Bible. Sin and go to hell. It differed greatly from more common versions of Christianity that are more about love and forgiveness. He was one of the middle children of 6 and grew up quite poor. e.g. all 6 of them shared one bicycle. He would work after school at his family's business and once a week would get enough allowance to buy a candy bar and a comic book.
His father was a strict disciplinarian. His mother deferred to his father for everything. Two years before I was adopted his mother died from cancer and on her death bed her final words before she died were, "I hope God can forgive you for marrying her." Her = my adopted mother = not of their religion. After that moment he never again told my adopted mother that he loved her and the slow process of their marriage's erosion ensued. His family's belief was that my mother's tubal pregnancy that rendered her unable to bear children was seen as God's punishment for her unwillingness to convert to their religion. Needless to say, I never got close with my father's side of the family.
There weren't many opportunities available to him, which led to his rage and the subsequent beatings I would receive if I didn't want to do something. It made me an ungrateful spoiled brat because when he was my age, he would have killed for the opportunity to do it. As I was quite small until I turned 15, this was enough to keep me compliant with most things. There really wasn't any love or affection. We never had those bonding father/son talks. I learned about sex and anatomy from Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines I bought from a friend. If I played badly at little league I would be lucky if he spoke two words to me until I was able to redeem myself in a future game. Eventually I became neurotic, feeling like I had to be perfect and amazing in order to earn any type of acknowledgment. My father was the Picasso of piss poor communicators that would repress emotions until they boiled over. Unfortunately he would speak with his fists, but at least then we had the consolation of knowing what he was feeling rather than sifting through and deciphering passive aggressive secret codes.
With that in mind, it is probably a shock that my mother dominated the relationship. In most cases one would probably assume that my parents held some form of 1950's household or something more closely resembling his parents marriage. My father wasn't particularly interesting. He was above average intelligence but not particularly smart. He had relatively few social skills and poor understanding of human emotion. I honestly don't know how he reached the professional position that he did. As his childhood home was one where the mother did all of the "women's work," he never learned how to do much around the house. As they were dirt poor, he never learned to manage money and finances. His upbringing kept his social ties limited. Most of his experiences were part of being with his brothers that were close in age or other people of the same religion. Basically, he depended upon people just being there and wasn't good at meeting people, let alone making friends with them. I suppose this was probably difficult being a teen when drinking smoking, dancing, kissing, listening to "devil music," and the like were all damnable offenses.
Overall, he had very few life skills. He couldn't cook. He couldn't clean something that wasn't a car. He couldn't do laundry. He couldn't grocery shop. He couldn't balance his checkbook. My mother managed everything at home, from finances to which family friends we were going to spend time with, where we were going on vacation, what we were eating that night, and so on. While he was the primary breadwinner, he had very little control over the family as a whole.
My adopted mother was a bit of a hen-pecker, and this got worse over time. She constantly has to have everything be exactly as she wants it, even if that means over-extending herself into a stressed out and frantic state. She refuses help that won't do things exactly as she envisions them and then complains about how she has to do it all herself. While her heart is in the right place, she is the type that erodes people's self-confidence slowly over time with under-handed cryptic words and ensuring that people will fail to meet her expectations. This was the basic example presented to me on how relationships are supposed to work.
Post-divorce, my mother married a man that she could outright bully into compliance. She would press and press and press until my step-father would finally try to stand up for himself. She would then counter with why he's wrong, and press in a different way until he gave in. Out of the gate she seized control over everything she had controlled in the previous marriage.
My father married a woman that could be kindly described as a "cold-hearted bitch." Her demeanor in relationships was something along the lines of, "I tolerate you. You're an idiot. I'm always right. This is how things are." This woman was a long-time friend of the family and we had seen her break down her first husband in a way led to an earlier divorce. It was obvious before they married that she was calling all the shots and my father carried the shame of living in her ex-husband's shadow (who had made a lot more money than he did).
Out of these four parental figures, while my step-father had the highest IQ, my step-mother won out on tenacity, psychological warfare, and understanding how to manipulate people. In all of the relationships it was obvious that the woman was the primary shot-caller and the man's role was to facilitate her will.
The rest of this post doesn't really pertain to my father, but does relate back to the Why I give up control post.
Some time ago I had also written about how my class in school was one that was riding the backlash of a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit against the school district that the district lost badly. As part of the settlement, they clamped down on the rules so strongly to where the typical adolescent ritual of flirting was crippled. The rules as they were put in place, gave girls an immense level of power over the boys. If a boy made a girl feel uncomfortable, she only had to report him and he would be suspended and/or expelled. There were 2-3 years worth of students that basically were scared to flirt, date, and the like.
If you were a boy and interested in a girl, everything had to be done outside of school. This usually required having a platonic friendship first before trying to advance things to a relationship level. If you were a boy you didn't get to know a girl "in that way" in school or ask them out on a date to get to know them. The rules were written in such a way that girls could make advances on boys, but not the other way around. With the exception of the students that transferred into our district, in say, 1993 or later, the girls were empowered and boys were relatively passive.
Needless to say, the majority of my friends that ended up in relationships mirrored the relationship between my parents and step parents. The girls were the ones who chose them. They were the shot-callers. The boys went along with what they wanted. This is just how things were.
Sometimes it seems like everything in my life helped steer me to this lifestyle.
Milestone: Post 1000
Apparently my last post was post #1000.
I want to say thank you to all my readers and those who have supported me over the years. You mean a lot to me.
Take care.
I want to say thank you to all my readers and those who have supported me over the years. You mean a lot to me.
Take care.
Thoughts on contrarianism in D/s
I'm sure that almost everyone has encountered at least one person in their lives that exhibits contrary or defiant behavior or thought processes. They don't want to do something until they are told not to. They don't want something until they are told they can't have it. If something is established as popular belief they will come up with an opposing view simply because they do not want to be told what they should think. An illogical example is the person who wants to break up with their significant other until the s.o. decides to break it off first, then they become dead set on saving the relationship.
I've never been one of these people but I am a bit fascinated by this behavior. At times I've been curious of the roots of this all. The best I have been able to put together is that people want to feel free and independent. Once they feel tethered by restrictions or limited options, they feel an impulse to free themselves from them and prove that they have the power to be in control of what they want to do. I could be wrong, this is just my own interpretation of things.
Out of the dominants I have known, the majority of them who discovered their desire for dominance at a young age seem to rarely, if ever, engage in this type of behavior. By the time they are well into adulthood they tend to exhibit a great deal of emotional control and are more likely to think deeply before they react. These dominants tend to know what they want and how/when they want it.
When it comes to newer dominants, that have say (as an arbitrary number), five or less years within the role, I find there's noticeable percentage that will build preferences and dynamics around contrary ideas. Here are some examples:
-If the sub dislikes something, it makes them want to do it more.
-If the sub likes something, it makes them want to control it, limit it, deny it, or corrupt it into something the sub doesn't like.
Again, I'm not certain why this happens. When I have spoken to Dommes of this nature they aren't even sure of why this happens but there is often a sexual response. When I read into it, it leads me to believe that the core is probably linked to their understanding of power and control. They see power as the ability to make someone do what they do not want to do and control as the ability to limit what acts the sub partakes in regardless of the sub's preferences. In many cases, the opposing nature of the sub's preferences will outweigh nearly all of their established kinks up to that point. I personally find this to be absolutely fascinating as this has the ability to shape a developing Domspace.
I also find it a bit terrifying. In cases where "fit" is concerned, both parties approach a potential relationship with their own preferences in mind and see how well they line up and whether or not compromise is possible. A contrary dominant may have some principles they will not budge on, but with many other activities they will adapt themselves around the sub. "Oh, that feels good? I will stop now and never do that ever again. Oh, this hurts and is uncomfortable? I will make sure to do it from now on." In a way, it is personally tailoring cruelty and has the potential to be very intimidating.
From a submissive perspective this is an odd idea to think about. Having all of my preferences countered perfectly drives me deep into submissive mental space. If all of the rules and dynamics were crafted around these principles, it would be a fearsome lifestyle to behold.
I've never been one of these people but I am a bit fascinated by this behavior. At times I've been curious of the roots of this all. The best I have been able to put together is that people want to feel free and independent. Once they feel tethered by restrictions or limited options, they feel an impulse to free themselves from them and prove that they have the power to be in control of what they want to do. I could be wrong, this is just my own interpretation of things.
Out of the dominants I have known, the majority of them who discovered their desire for dominance at a young age seem to rarely, if ever, engage in this type of behavior. By the time they are well into adulthood they tend to exhibit a great deal of emotional control and are more likely to think deeply before they react. These dominants tend to know what they want and how/when they want it.
When it comes to newer dominants, that have say (as an arbitrary number), five or less years within the role, I find there's noticeable percentage that will build preferences and dynamics around contrary ideas. Here are some examples:
-If the sub dislikes something, it makes them want to do it more.
-If the sub likes something, it makes them want to control it, limit it, deny it, or corrupt it into something the sub doesn't like.
Again, I'm not certain why this happens. When I have spoken to Dommes of this nature they aren't even sure of why this happens but there is often a sexual response. When I read into it, it leads me to believe that the core is probably linked to their understanding of power and control. They see power as the ability to make someone do what they do not want to do and control as the ability to limit what acts the sub partakes in regardless of the sub's preferences. In many cases, the opposing nature of the sub's preferences will outweigh nearly all of their established kinks up to that point. I personally find this to be absolutely fascinating as this has the ability to shape a developing Domspace.
I also find it a bit terrifying. In cases where "fit" is concerned, both parties approach a potential relationship with their own preferences in mind and see how well they line up and whether or not compromise is possible. A contrary dominant may have some principles they will not budge on, but with many other activities they will adapt themselves around the sub. "Oh, that feels good? I will stop now and never do that ever again. Oh, this hurts and is uncomfortable? I will make sure to do it from now on." In a way, it is personally tailoring cruelty and has the potential to be very intimidating.
From a submissive perspective this is an odd idea to think about. Having all of my preferences countered perfectly drives me deep into submissive mental space. If all of the rules and dynamics were crafted around these principles, it would be a fearsome lifestyle to behold.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Why I give up control
I believe for many, the most difficult aspect of D/s is the act of truly giving up control. Many activities in the lifestyle feel quite momentary. You have a task, you complete it, done. You play or have kinky sex, you complete it, done. While there may be rules out there, in many cases following them are optional, and breaking them only matters if you get caught, right?
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Link: A Domme's take on Sexism and Forced Feminization
I wanted to post a link to this because I found it to be a good read:
https://dominajen.com/2017/09/29/sexism-and-forced-feminization/
https://dominajen.com/2017/09/29/sexism-and-forced-feminization/
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Evolving the submissive self
Being a submissive in the D/s lifestyle is one of the few times where a person constantly evolves under the guidance of a true merit-based system. Certain behaviors are encouraged while others are discouraged. Over time we find ourselves shaped into the image that the Domme desires. At each plateau, repetition helps polish our skills and improve the quality of our service. In turn, this makes us a "better" submissive. The better that we conform, the more likely we are to instill confidence in the Domme, often granting her the courage to push us to the next step and continuing the evolutionary process for both parties.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Random Thoughts on flavors of D/s
One of the biggest
fundamental differences in the way that people view a BDSM-oriented
kink lifestyle is related to how encompassing the dynamics fall into
every day life. Basically, does power exchange occur only during
defined periods or is it on all the time?
For some, D/s is
roleplay engaged in between consenting individuals for set periods of
time with the goal of mutual pleasure.
For some, D/s is a
way of life that governs nearly every aspect of daily life.
There are also some
hybrid forms where most of the "action" occurs at defined
times but there may be some daily responsibilities required of one
party or the other.
I tend to avoid
passing judgement over the flavors that people prefer. The world is
far too miserable of a place to look down upon anything that makes a
couple happy. If someone just wants steamy hot sex, I see nothing
wrong with that. If someone wants a personal servant doting upon
their every whim, I see nothing wrong with that.
I will go ahead and
create my own terms here: full time for those who practice
D/s as an "always on" lifestyle, and part time for
those with dynamics that are not always on.
I will note that I
believe the vast majority of those who partake in D/s would classify
themselves as part time. I believe full time is the minority even
though they may be represented disproportionately high in the
blogosphere.
A lot of the full
time vs. part time reasoning depends heavily upon the preferences of
the dominant. They bear the brunt of the responsibility for keeping
the dynamics going, so it makes sense that the extent of the dynamics
should fall in line with how much they are wanting to monitor things.
As far as submissive desires go, I think there is often a wide rift
between what they fantasize about and what they can actually handle.
With that in mind, it is easy for subs to desire full time but then
struggle when facing it as a reality. A good number of them can
retain a rational balance by knowing to “be careful what you wish
for.”
Having lived out
both styles, I have to say that I crave full time beyond anything.
The reality of it is terrifying. As much as you can build up trust
it is still a leap of faith to present yourself with total
vulnerability. I believe this is what separates roleplay from
lifestyle. In roleplay you may act powerless or at the mercy of
another. It is controlled. There is a start, a stop, and you will
be “back to normal” upon its completion. This in itself is a
fine choice. It is a safe choice. It is a reasonable and
responsible choice.
It is scary as hell
to adapt to a new way of living, a new way of thinking, and a new set
of ever-evolving expectations while having little power to control
what will happen. There are limits, of course, but anything that
falls short of those limits is fair game. I think this type of
vulnerability scares a lot of people even in vanilla relationships.
To allow the one we love to see us without guards, without walls, and
without masks is terrifying. They see our good and our bad, our
strengths and our weaknesses. However, I have to say that when they
see you all the way to your core and still choose to embrace you, you
really have found that truly special bond that can’t be built in
any other way.
Random thoughts on arousal
Something I have struggled with greatly over the years has been coming to terms with what arouses me. By struggled, I mean, I have never come to terms with it. In my youth it was the cycle of masturbation followed by shame followed by denial that would just loop over and over again. As much as I had hoped that my fantasies would become more normal over time, the opposite happened and the extremity of my perversions only grew stronger.
This continued for years. Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me. As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying. As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations.
I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex. I envy those people. I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.
I don't expect this to ever really change for me. It doesn't really matter to me either. I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space.
I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink. When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special. It's sexy, attractive, and unique. Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be. They should make her proud to have them.
On the other hand, my arousal is weird. My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should. I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not. While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it. The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.
This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.
This continued for years. Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me. As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying. As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations.
I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex. I envy those people. I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.
I don't expect this to ever really change for me. It doesn't really matter to me either. I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space.
I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink. When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special. It's sexy, attractive, and unique. Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be. They should make her proud to have them.
On the other hand, my arousal is weird. My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should. I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not. While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it. The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.
This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Compromises
Note: This is written from the standpoint of those interested in a 24-7 lifestyle Femdom or FLR type relationship and will not pertain as much to those seeking a more casual BDSM-oriented relationship.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
Status and Stations
I recently read some comments on a different blog that I wanted to respond to but left that for the author. I do not feel safe speaking for others but with enough information I can sometimes do pretty well at guessing on their thought process. Having followed well over a hundred blogs for years and been a part of several local and internet-based groups you tend to see most of what can exist out there.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Control Dynamics
Over the years my
experiences and desires have grown stronger and one of the important
aspects of D/s that spins around my head on a consistent basis is the
concept of control dynamics.
In the most general
sense, control dynamics are rules and ideas that govern a D/s
relationship that emphasize the power and control that the Domme
holds over her sub. You will find some degree of control dynamics
involved in pretty much every D/s relationship. Some dynamics are
far more common than others, e.g. orgasm control is one of the basic
topics covered in a good number of "how to" guides and
frequently exists in some form from the beginning of the relationship
or at the start of D/s within an existing relationship. I have found
that the strictness of the dynamics frequently reflects the sadistic
desires of the Domme.
In most cases, the
rules involved are somewhat optional and do not have a tremendous
impact upon the success and failure of the relationship. They aren't
of the same kind of importance as trust, honesty, and loyalty where a
slip up will have devastating effects on the relationship. Control
dynamics are put in place... to increase control. This is often
unnecessary, but it can have a significant impact upon the sub's
mental state.
An individual has
free will and may choose their own behavior. There are some ideals
for submissive behavior: Be respectful. Be polite. Be courteous. Be
attentive. Etc. In the absence of rules the sub has the freedom to
choose to behave this way or not (although most subs that are worth a
damn would choose to). To exert control a dominant may choose to
create rules that remove this freedom. Always address her by her
proper title. Kneel and bow when greeting her. Do not turn your
back to her. As each rule falls into place, the sub's free will is
replaced by a set of necessary actions with consequences. These may
be completely unnecessary to a well-mannered sub, but it does a lot
to shape the sub's mental state.
The greater the
number of rules, the less freedom the sub has to act with, the
greater the chance of punishable failure, and an increased level of
mental duress experienced by the sub. This may be appealing to some
and unappealing to others. I am of the sort where I feel that
control dynamics bring out my best self. The greater the challenge,
the more I rise to overcome it. The greater the challenge, the more
I am able to prove my worth and devotion.
That being said, I
can understand where one or more of the involved parties prefer to
avoid extensive use of control dynamics. Rules are a lot of work.
While the sub may find themselves being pulled from their comfort
zone, there is a greater burden that falls upon the Domme. Not only
are they responsible for forming the rules (and revising them over
time), it is also their responsibility to monitor the sub’s
behavior for compliance and punish infractions. Another potential
hangup is the idea that subs should want to do it on their own
without the need to have rules pertaining to it.
I know in my own
world, I do want to make the Domme I serve happy. I want to do the
things that please her. I want to be everything she wants me to be.
I want to be perfect for her. At the same time, my submissive side
craves to feel utterly controlled. I want there to be no illusion of
freedom. If I choose “no,” I want this to lead to pain and the
eventual “yes.” My first two D/s relationships were of this
sort. As time passed, the control dynamics continued to build until
it felt like my entire existence was focused upon obedience for her
benefit. It felt rather nice, indeed. Their creativity would run
wild, coming up with new and intricate ways to enhance their control
and enslave me even more deeply. This made me feel deeply loved,
especially when I had no say in the matter and I could see how they
were further twisting me to their will.
Overall, I just felt
like writing about this since it is so easy to get hung up on
specific acts, rules, or the like. I find the concept of control in
general to be so fascinating and arousing. I probably could have
listed examples, but maybe sometime in the future.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Reflection
Over time I've grown comfortable with a handful of ideas about myself and my place in this world. These feelings often get shunned by those who are big on the "self help" circuit and go against many of the principles of emotional health. I've tried to stop caring about perceptions for the most part, but alas it is unavoidable to have some hurt if I find myself feeling attacked (even if I wish this were not true).
It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true. If only being rational would chase away the demons. My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them. As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.
These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from. Instead I embrace them and compensate for them. This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply. These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.
-I have no inherent worth as a person. My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them. These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth. I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self. My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.
-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly. It feels reasonable, justified, and natural. Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service. My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve. I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.
-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve. I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time. Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention. I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs.
-I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires.
-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention. This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.
This is the way that the world makes sense to me. This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check. This is the existence where I feel best about myself. This is the existence that I desire.
Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable. It's interesting how polarizing it is. "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion." Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly. In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core.
At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.
It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true. If only being rational would chase away the demons. My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them. As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.
These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from. Instead I embrace them and compensate for them. This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply. These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.
-I have no inherent worth as a person. My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them. These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth. I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self. My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.
-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly. It feels reasonable, justified, and natural. Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service. My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve. I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.
-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve. I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time. Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention. I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs.
-I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires.
-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention. This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.
This is the way that the world makes sense to me. This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check. This is the existence where I feel best about myself. This is the existence that I desire.
Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable. It's interesting how polarizing it is. "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion." Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly. In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core.
At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.
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