Friday, May 13, 2016

Reflections part 4: Connection

Something just clicked with F.  If you have ever been absolutely certain you must have known someone in a past life... this was one of those cases.  If you think all that is bullshit, that's fine too, but there was something rather special growing between us.

The more we corresponded, the more we connected we felt.  F was very spiritual.  She had crafted her own fantasy landscape in her mind that she felt encompassed her spirit.  Somehow I was able to share this view with her.  One time she asked me what her animal personified her spirit and I immediately replied a raven, which was correct.  If we had a deeper connection, we both felt it must have been one between Queen and slave.  I won't go into detail too much but she had even asked me to draw her throne room as I envisioned it and it matched her drawing of it as well.

This is another one of those cases of multiple things developing simultaneously, so while it may appear they are a linear set of events, each separate topic was probably developing simultaneously.

I saw F every week at the local munch but she started inviting me out for coffee once a week in addition to our daily online chats and emails.  After a couple of weeks, F let me in on some truths that no one else in the group were aware of.  Her husband wasn't a submissive, he just pretended to be one in front of other people to keep them away from her.  He would occasionally participate in some play, but only if it was exactly his own personal fantasy.  While they had been married for 30+ years, she had gotten pregnant the first time they had sex when they were in their teens and were both disowned by their families and they had been together ever since.  She told me about a time she was raped by a coworker and how her husband blamed it all on her.  She felt like she was always holding parts of herself back and that she wasn't truly happy or fulfilled.

Deep down, F had an indomitable spirit.  It was primal, carnal, and vicious, but nurturing at the same time.  She was frightening, but in a good way.  She hadn't yet had an environment where she could spread her wings.

I told F about K.  I told her about about my home life growing up, about the recent experiences. I told her about my fears. She always knew what to say. I felt like she was trying to protect my soul.

I told her about the sissy slave part of me and how fucked up it made me feel.  As I sat there, blushing, her eyes gleamed a bit and she replied, "Good, only women should get to wear fur. a lowly slave shouldn't be in fur unless he's looking ridiculous to entertain his Mistress."

Things got extremely complicated very quickly.  Not only was F married, but she was over 25 years older than me.  I could tell she was struggling with this as well.  Over the course of several months we continued to grow closer and closer.  I felt a bit bad and guilty/conflicted for my part in the situation, but as a sub, I was angry that another man would keep her from becoming who she wanted to be.  You can feel free to think less of me for what I chose to do, but we felt it was the right choice for us at the time and there were consequences.

I did some serious soul searching.  Everything in my head was a mess as I was being pulled in so many directions inside.  My emotional needs vs. my fears vs. my principles, etc. were all in conflict with one another.  After the "she's married" aspect, the next biggest hurdle was the age gap.  I was able to rationalize this one fairly easily once I realized this:  I had jumped in with both feet with K knowing that we might only have a year or two together, even if F and I only had 10 years together, that's an eternity in comparison and if I had to decide for her to spend the next 10 years being unhappy or happy, I would choose for her to be happy.

That week, my car broke down.  The shop where I took it estimated 5 hours and was located in a suburb about a 5 minute drive from where F lived.  I took the day off work and called F, asking if she'd like to have lunch with me.  We ate lunch and talked and then took a walk to kill off the remaining time.  That suburb's downtown area had a public park and town square.  It was a bit busy with foot traffic, but there was enough privacy for us to sit together on a bench and talk about anything.  I told F how special she had become to me.  She responded that I had become special to her as well.  What I did next was purely on impulse.

I got off the bench and knelt on the ground in front of her.  I placed my forehead on F's leg, just above the knee.
"I want to be yours, to serve you and make you happy."
F remained silent for what felt like a long time for someone kneeling on the ground in a busy public city park (it may have only been about 10-15 seconds).  She placed her hand on my head and replied, "I accept your gift and you will be mine."

To be continued...