Thursday, May 12, 2016

Reflections part 3: Transitions

I really didn't expect to bare all as I did.  I generally keep a lot of things private and in some cases, buried.  I will apologize in advance if this post is a bit messy, the last post took a lot out of me emotionally.

The way things went down I was never able to get any form of closure.  I never knew if there were other factors involved or if anything had been left out.  During that last couple of months we weren't getting along very well overall and we had started arguing a bit even thought that hadn't happened at all over the year leading up to that point.

From a D/s standpoint I never did figure out just where she was planning to go with things.  In hindsight I have a guess that K wanted me to create positive associations with fur, knowing that putting me into slavespace was the only way I would allow that to happen.  I would assume at some future time she would have wanted to connect those parts inside of me again with the outcome being that I liked to wear fur.

I am also a bit curious why she was extremely careful always use "sissy slave" like it was one word.  I think K referred to me as slave once or twice in total and she never once used "sissy" by itself even though we went through stretches where "sissy slave" was used 50+ times a day.

In the aftermath, I noticed a few changes in my subspace as well.  If I had to put a number on it, I would guess that 95% of my arousal happens in my head with the remaining 5% coming from outside stimului.  There was definitely a strong disconnect that had occurred between my levels of subspace.  It was terrifying to me to face it alone and distressing when I realized that my sbubmission and arousal became dominated by certain thoughts.  While it would still turn me on to fantasize about serving a woman, the fantasies that I had grown accustomed to drifting into my head (the ones I used to write for her) grew increasingly intense and were a far cry from who I was during the first couple of months.

God, even now I find myself dancing around it... to be blunt, the fur sissy slave along with teasing and humiliation became by far the strongest fetishes in my repertoire.  I didn't want them.  I hated them and wanted them to go away.  By now I had gone several months where every orgasm I had was centered around them, either from my fantasies or guided masturbation in front of the mirror with K. This realization horrified me.  I tried digging up information on the internet but didn't find anything of help.  What I discovered was that it seems the majority of the web perceived sissies in a fixed way:  all sissies are actually gay, all sissies want to completely dress as women, and that the majority of lifestyle Dommes want nothing to do with sissies (unless it was that Domme in particular that made them a sissy).

This was quite disheartening as my fetishes came from completely different roots.  It poked fun at my heterosexuality by making me effeminate.  I wasn't supposed to pass as a woman, I was supposed to look as ridiculous as possible.  I only knew one woman who would accept me like that and she was gone from my life.  

Following the events of 2f I was a shell of myself.  I took a dead end job in a field that interested me and worked a lot.  Enough to keep me busy, keep me from thinking about things.  I could barely get through the day.  I wanted to end my life.

During a particular stretch of feeling "not awful," I made the decision to try to rebound.  I didn't feel like the wounds left behind would ever heal unless I had hope, and hope required a future.  After deliberating about it for several hours, I created a collarme account and posted an ad.  It was written from my still somewhat novice point of view, taking into consideration the potential dangers of BDSM dating that K had warned me about early on in our relationship.  I kept the fur sissy slave part of me a secret, knowing I could function without and that it would be a giant red flag to advertise it.

I browsed every Domme profile in the 200 mile radius.  I found two that I felt like would be a potential match and one maybe.  I contacted the first one in a formal and respectful way.  Four days later with no response but with several logins by them, I contacted the second Domme in a similar manner.  Four days went by with no response and repeated logins.  I contacted the maybe.  She wrote me back the next day and we messaged back and forth a bit and seemed to hit it off a little. This lead to some phone conversations and I was able to make her laugh quite a bit, which I always deem to be a good sign.

She lived about 150 miles away but due to her home situation she was only free every other weekend and a few times on weekdays.  She asked me to come out the following Saturday.  I bought some roses took her out to eat.  We talked a lot mostly in a conversational and getting to know you manner and had a very good time before returning to her house where we relaxed, talked more, and she allowed me to give her a back rub and a foot rub.  This gave me a full on erection and I was extremely happy about having furless, sissyless erection.  She noticed, playfully poking the front of my pants.  At this point we started talking about more kink-related interests.  I told her about my general interests, mostly covering what I had done when we started.  She talked about her interests as well.

Unfortunately our primary interests didn't overlap very well, but I was willing to give things a go.  I had brought some BDSM toys with me in the car and she asked to see them.  We spent the next bit screwing around with restraints and the like.  Her #1 fetish was puppy play.  I was willing except for a hangup.  One of my hard limits is that I wouldn't let anything up my butt and she was only interested in doing it if an anal plug tail was involved.  We ended up talking until 2am or so, when she asked if I wanted to spend the night.  I specifically hadn't brought a change of clothes or a tooth brush since I didn't want to seem presumptuous (it felt kind of sleazy to do so when I went over it in my head before going there) and said I should probably go home that night.  I thanked her for the lovely evening, kissed her hand, and left.

I got home around 4am and immediately went to sleep.  She called me around noon the next day, asking me if I'd like to come out again that day.  I agreed and we chose a time that would work for dinner again.  This was very late in the spring but there had been a ton of snow that year and there was still snow on the ground.  I went to the closest upscale department store hoping they would still have some winter items around and I lucked out, finding a very nice dyed mink fur scarf that was her favorite color (purple) that was on clearance for 75% off.  I packed it in a gift bag and hit the road.  This time I was a little more prepared and brought some different things with me although I knew I wasn't going to be spending the night as I had to work in the morning..

As a surprise for what was supposed to be the new year's meeting with K, I had purchased a pair of Rex Rabbit massage mittens.

I had wanted to surprise her with a special full body rub down.  Since the trip never happened, I hadn't had a chance to use them yet.  And no, I never touched myself anywhere with them, I didn't feel deserving of it.  I brought these along with me that day.

I took her out to dinner and we had a good time laughing and joking.  I gave her the scarf as a gift at dinner.  She seemed to like the touch but wasn't all that interested in it, so I never pressed that avenue further (she didn't even wear it on the way home even though it was 15 degrees outside).  When we arrived I asked her if I could give her a special massage.  She took off her shirt and laid on her stomach on the couch.  I took out the massage mittens and proceeded to give her a back rub with them starting with the line "I won't stop until you tell me to."

It took about 3 minutes to realize she was pretty into it.  She was moaning and I could tell she was wet.  After about 15 minutes she began to grind her torso into the couch.  One of my feet was slightly under it and I realized the padding was shifting around and that you could "touch through the cushion."  While she was grinding I slid my foot under her crotch and gently started making a circular motion with my big toe.  By now she was VERY wet.  I just kept up the business and by the time she said to stop, 90 minutes had passed.  When she sat back up it was noticeable that her jeans and the couch were moist/damp.  She seemed pleased and we chatted a bit more before she asked if I could leave before 9:45pm, as that is when her kids were getting returned from their father's.  She told me that she should have insisted that I stay the previous night and let me lick her all night long.  Hearing that made me happy.

Over the next week we chatted a several times, with a plan for a meet up a week from the coming Thursday for the evening (I was taking a half-day of work) and the entire weekend after that.  I called her on Thursday as I was leaving work to ask her if she wanted me to bring anything and to give her an ETA.  She didn't answer.  I stopped by home and to check my email.  No word from her.  I logged into messenger and saw she was on.  I sent her a message and she immediately logged off.  I took that as a sign and didn't drive out there.  I did send her an email and a message on collarme asking about the weekend.  No response and she didn't answer my call either.

The following Tuesday I received a rather unpleasant email where she managed to point out everything she didn't like about me.  I was too short.  She felt I was looking for a relationship and she just wanted a player partner, but she couldn't accept a play partner who wouldn't wear an anal plug tail.  I wasn't experienced enough.  Apparently while I was massaging her the thing I did with my toe "annoyed the fuck" out of her, but she never mentioned anything while it was happening.  She called me needy and desperate for calling her twice and sending her an email over the weekend we were supposed to be together and I should have been able to get the hint.  I responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way, take care," and left it at that.  This pretty much crushed my spirits and I stopped browsing the collarme ads.

About a month later I received a message on collarme.  It was from a local switch who said she loved my ad and really wanted to get to know me.  We arranged a meet up and spent a day together.  Mostly she just asked me to drive her around all over the metro so she could pick up her check, drop it at the bank, pick up something from her parent's house, etc.  I didn't really mind but it was pretty clear we weren't a very good fit.  At the end of the day she introduced me to her roommate (C), who was a submissive.  We ended up talking quite a bit and got along pretty well.  I told C about my situations and she asked if she could continue my training.  Deep down I knew we weren't a very good fit but I was feeling so down that I was willing to give anything a try.  For a few weeks we played a bit, with her doing the best she could at being a Domme without ever having been one before.  C tried really hard and I really respected her for that, but the dynamic just wasn't the same.  It did, however, stave off loneliness and we both had some fun.

Neither C nor the original girl had a car, so they asked me to drive them to a munch. I reluctantly agreed even though I was still very hesitant about doing anything in the public eye.  I had also been very very very withdrawn and shy as of late.  The munch was in the private room of a local restaurant where the waiter was in the lifestyle.  The leader of the group was a rather well-known and powerful local Domme, who I'll call F.  Since I was an outsider, she had us sit next to F and her sub husband.  We hit it off very well and I was pulled out of my shell a bit.  Lots of laughs and joking around.  On the way home C couldn't stop gushing about how amazing F was with her demeanor and skills with whips, crops, canes, etc.

The next week I gave another ride to the munch.  This time, F had saved a seat for us next to her.  I really enjoyed talking to her. We exchanged email and messenger info and she invited F and I over to their place for dinner and swimming that weekend.  We went there and it became clear that F and I had some form of connection.  This was really kind of awkward for me but I really enjoyed the company.  After that evening, F began to regularly email me and we would chat on messenger from time to time.

To be continued in part 4

1 comment:

  1. It always infuriates me when someone who has shared intimate knowledge with someone else decides to end it by simply ignoring the other person. This "you should be able to take a hint" stuff is merely a cop-out as a replacement for what should be an up-front explanation with a person who has already given you a part of themselves. Lazy, irresponsible, and childish. You were well rid of her.