Sunday, March 26, 2017

What I bring to a D/s relationship AKA My Thoughts on D/s and Depression Part 2

My post on D/s and depression brought up some strong reactions.  The concerns are very valid and It seems a follow-up post is in order to address them.  On a side note, the author that wrote the original post I was responding to made a follow-up clarification post... which I am still not happy with as citing specifics and general cases aren't great when it comes to making generalized statements.

The first bit I want to elaborate on is my own behavior when it comes to my damage and depression.  To make it easier, I will separate the two.

Damage = The nagging issues at the core of my being that have to do with abuse, abandonment, and the like.  These are fairly burned into my core and there's no true fix that I have been able to do within myself to change that.  e.g. I am a minority and have been treated differently due to my race, so it is nearly impossible to see myself as anything but different.  Becoming white or moving to Asia are probably the only "fixes" for this.

Depression = The fluctuation of my mood cycle due to brain chemicals.  This can be triggered by winter and/or times when my damage gets brought to the surface.  e.g. if T makes me feel despised and rejected, it tends to flare up for a bit.

One topic that was brought up was the idea that a sub who needs the Domme to assist with their depression puts an undo burden on her.

My response to this is, yes, that is true.  I'm broken.  I'm battered.  I carry a trailer full of baggage.  I am a burden.  I am flawed.  This diminishes my value.  It makes me lesser.  It makes me undeserving and unworthy.  She deserves better than me.  She deserves someone that is whole and isn't nearly as fucked up as me.  I am a piece of trash that feels lucky when someone realizes I can still be useful in some way.  It hurts like hell to know that this is absolutely true.

However, I don't accept this knowledge lying down.  My persona was born out of over-compensation.  I'm not pretty enough, I'm too short, I'm chubby, and I'm different.  My entire state of existent is based around overcoming inadequacies, shortcomings, and flaws.  There are certain things I can't change and others that I constantly struggle with.

I have to be the absolute best in every way that I can be in order to make up for all of the shitty, weak, and terrible parts of myself.  I love wholeheartedly and completely.  I display my vulnerability openly.  I share the deepest parts of my soul.  I place myself at her disposal.  My devotion and loyalty will know no bounds.  I will accept any and every limit, standard, and expectation she places upon me.  I will be perfect for her or die trying.  This is what I must do in order to make up for every way in which I am lacking.

This is the only way I know how to go about things.  This is the way that I love.

I battle my depression like a trained warrior.  I face it head on, fighting tooth and nail even though I am outmatched.  I do not falter unless it strikes a mortal blow.  In this state I reach out for help to the one I love.  There are roughly 6 weeks a year where I struggle in this way.  6 weeks where I fail to be the person that I want to be.  6 weeks where I am a burden.  6 weeks where I hate myself for lacking the tools to defeat this unwanted invader.  Leaning on her is unfair to her.  I know this, and I am sorry.  For 6 weeks I could use a few additional tasks per day, an extra beating here and there, and a lot of love for me to stay on track.  Knowing that I require this makes me feel needy as hell (and guilty about it).

I hope that my compensation is enough to make up for it.

My damage is a different story.  It's a tricky one to describe so I'll just lay it out there.  The holes in my heart that are the source of fears... are easily filled by her presence in my life.  If my damage makes me fear being unlovable, receiving her love fills that hole and proves those fears wrong.  The demons I associate with my damage are completely silent when every irrational fear is proven wrong by the presence of the one I love.  The fix happens automatically and doesn't require any additional effort than what is already there. 

The downside is that the fix is not permanent.  The holes stay filled as long as she is there.  If she leaves me (permanently), the parts that she had given me that filled in those holes are ripped away, leaving them open and empty.  I'm able to stave off the demons for a little while... when the memories are fresh I don't believe their words.  Over time, the memories fade and the demons once more have their way with me.  This whole process still makes me feel needier than I want to be.  And yes, I feel guilt over it.

Beating the shit out of myself for all of this is something I do regularly.  It reminds me just how hard I have to work all the time every single day in order to be someone that is acceptable as a life partner. 

This brings me to the last, but most important part of this post. 

What do I bring to the relationship that makes this a fair and adequate trade off?  To be honest, I'm not sure I can ever be enough to make up for my inadequacies, so I will simply state what I try to do.

I want to be her everything.  Anything and everything she could ever want, hope for, dream of, fantasize about, or need, I want to be that.  I want to give that to her.  I want to be so amazing that she would never want anyone else but me.  This is hard.  I humble myself and throw away my limits to make this happen.  I hurt and I struggle and I suffer to make this happen.  I love her so much I feel like my heart will burst and I show this to her.  I study every action, ever expression, every line on her face, every breath she takes, and every slightest twitch of her body.  I memorize everything and work to understand what it means.  I will do anything to make her smile.  I will do everything to make her feel my love for her.  I will remind her of every part about her that is special.  I will show her just how lucky I feel to be in her presence.

This is my obsession.  I consider it a healthy obsession.  She is my Queen, my Goddess, my entire world, the love of my life, and my reason for existence.  Her will is the law, the natural order, the focal point of my life, and the most important thing in the entire world.

I will be her lover, her protector/guardian, her servant, her best friend, her support pillar, her confidante, her jester, her life companion, her whipping boy, her personal chef, her masseuse, her sex toy, and her maid.  I want to be anything she could ever desire.  I want to give my all.  I want to give all of myself.  I want to love with no bounds. 

I want to give her every feeling she wishes to have.  I want to show her every ounce of love in the world.  I will move mountains to see her smile.

Unfortunately, there are some limits to this.  I'll never be 6'5" with a 12" dick.  But, I'm not too proud to stand on a step-stool and wear a male strap-on if that's what it takes.  If she needs something that only someone else could provide... as much as it hurts me to do so, I would permit that as well.

Is this really a fair trade off?  Probably not.  But I hope... and I hope... and I hope... because this is the best that I can do and I hope it is enough for her.

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