Fiction: fs01 - Part 55

Author’s Note: This takes place about a few minutes after Part 54.

I apologize for the long break. I hope that this still feels consistent with where things left off in Part 54 but a 4 month break was a long time.

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LV

As they eat cake I kneel and reflect upon the wave of emotions that have entered my heart today. To call Brittany’s appearance a “surprise” would be an understatement. I haven’t thought about her in years with the exception of Mistress talking about her a few nights ago. Her presence has opened my heart and I now see a lot of her influence upon who I am today. The feelings linger in a bittersweet way. I make eye contact with Mistress and my heart fills with love. I feel a knot in my chest relax… like the ties between my pain and the memories loosen and fall away.

I glance around as they converse. Brittany immerses herself seamlessly within the group. Her social skills are very strong and she displays them beautifully while being able to listen and interject with questions when appropriate. Barb is looking quite drunk and she continues to probe for answers to the questions that are obviously bothering her.

“Cass, how long have you been married?”

“A little over a year but we’ve been together for about 6 years now.”

“I thought you said officially he was your maid.”

“That’s true, too, Barbie. We have a 50-year labor contract where he must be on-call for me 24-7, 365 days a year.”

“Did he sign that before or after you were married?”

“Before, but the original contract was for only 15 years.”

I look on as Barb shakes her head. I feel a small pit in my chest as I read her expression.

Gordon and Sammy wheel in carts full of presents. Mistress finishes her cake and receives the first package. Watching her as she inspects the card and careful removes the paper brings a smile to my face.

I continue kneeling in silence, happy that I am no longer the focal point. I squirm a bit inside as she opens the first box. From Dominique, a heavy leather flogger with metal tips.

“I’m sure the little one will scream gloriously when that bites his skin.”

Mistress laughs as she passes it around. I watch Barb slap it against her hand a few times and mouth the words “what the fuck.”

From Theresa and B comes an extra large strap on. The “Reverb Ultra Mk III” to add to her collection. I groan silently.

“B thinks fur needs to ‘loosen up’ a little, so when we saw this it just seemed to perfect.”

“Does it include diapers?”

My face instinctively shifts to red as I watch in horror as they compare it to their forearms. The double entendre would seem cheesy if it wasn’t about my rectum. I slump my shoulders.

Lisa’s gift is a full pedicure kit. She takes another guzzle of wine instead of speaking and blushes red when Mistress asks if she wants to take the first go with it. Barb leans her head on Mistress’s shoulder.

“I really wish you had told me there was going to be this kind of party.”

Mistress turns her head to face Barb’s and plants a passionate kiss on her lips. Barb’s cheeks rush red as she closes her eyes. Brittany rises from her seat and retrieves her present from the cart, holding it tightly against her abdomen. The peculiar look on her face isn’t an expression I am familiar with.

Brittany scrunches her nose and shakes her head a few times before extending the package to Mistress.

“I think I sort of misunderstood what type of a gift I was supposed to bring. I thought I was actually giving something to gayboy so I’m not sure if this is appropriate so please don’t hold it against me.”

“I’m just glad you’re here, Brittany and could be a part of this. I’ve been wanting to meet you in person for a long time now and I’m glad you’ve been able to reconnect with my pet.

Mistress carefully unwraps the package, revealing an old and tattered photo album.

“This is every photo I ever took of him, starting with that day in the bathroom at school all the way until we graduated.”

A deep smile forms over Mistress’s face. Theresa and Lisa move their chairs closer as Mistress flips through the pages and Brittany narrates.

“These were from the day we duct taped him in the stall. This picture we took from the car as we drove by when we made him run home from the mall. Here’s the first time I hogtied him and put him in the closet.”

Even though we shared a “healing moment” earlier the memories still sting as they replay themselves in my head. There are plenty of giggles and fingers being pointed. Dominique chugs wine while Sammy and Gordon dote on her. B sits with her arms folded and her eyes closed.

“Here’s Chloe and Courtney sitting on his back and tormenting him as they held him down. This one I took from my bedroom window while I made him shovel the driveway. He groaned about it so I took away his coat, hat, and gloves. That day was freezing outside. Here’s pictures from him on Christmas when I made him wear those awful mittens and hat. I used to look at these whenever I felt down.”

As they near the end of the album Brittany’s voice shifts a bit. She slows down and the excitement fades from her voice.

“This was the last time I saw gayboy. It was the day after my graduation party. He brought me a bouquet of flowers and I threw them on the ground and stomped on them. When he started to cry I called him a loser and told him that no woman would ever love him. I told him I never wanted to see him again. He just sobbed and walked away. I cried that night but my stubborn pride wouldn’t let me call him.”

Brittany sniffles a little as Mistress closes the album.

“You said that this was supposed to be for my pet, but as a slave, he is not permitted to own any personal possession. If you want to ask him what he would like me to do with this, I will permit it.”

Brittany forces a smile as she wipes her eye with her hand. She receives the photo album back from Mistress and sits down on the floor next to me.

“It’s kind of funny, gayboy. I didn’t keep a single photo album of my family and I didn’t keep any photos that include my ex-husband but I always considered this to be one of my prized possessions and I want you to have it.”

I crack a smile and glance her way before my eyes fixate on the large book that sits before me. A work chronicling years of my pain and suffering… humiliation… a broken heart.

“Is it important to you, Miss Brittany?”

“It’s very important to me.”

“Why do you want to give it away?”

“It just doesn’t feel right… to keep this. When Mom remarried and I started my new life I was so angry and confused. I wanted everyone to think that I was strong. You were the only one that had seen me weak and I hated you so much for that. I wanted to make you weak… to make you hurt more than I did. It was wrong.”

“If you had two of them would you want to keep one?”

“Of course. These are still memories from my life.”

My instinct is that I want to burn the album and never see it again. My heart claws at me… a simple signal that I do not truly wish for that to happen. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

“Mistress, is it okay if we return the album to Miss Brittany?”

“Is that what you want to do, pet?”

“Yes, Mistress, but I accept whatever you decide to do.”

“I’m sure Brittany would be willing to scan a few of the photos and send them to me. I see you every day and could take plenty of photos if I wanted to.”

Brittany’s face quickly changes into a smile as she sniffles a little and rises from the floor.

“Thank you, Cassandra. This has been a very important day for me… it’s not often that you get to have closure on the darker times in life. What pictures do you want me to scan?”

Brittany presents the album back to Mistress and she flips through the pages.

“Do you see that facial expression?”

“The one where it looks like he’s about to burst into tears and die at the same time?”

“Exactly. Can you send me all of the pictures where he looks like that? Those expressions just can’t be faked and they’re so few and far between. I noticed you had at least half a dozen of them captured on film.”

Dominique springs to her feet and resumes her role as unofficial master of ceremonies.

“If I see one more hallmark moment I am going to vomit. Sammy, Gordon! Fetch the carts.”

I watch them quickly scurry out of the room.

“Everyone knows the best part of a birthday party is the spanking and I’ve waited long enough.”

I swallow hard and barely notice Sammy and Gordon return with a rolling garment cart and a long flat silver serving cart. Dominique strides across the room and takes a coat off of the rack and Sammy helps her into the sleeves. She retrieves a matching Russian style hat from the cart.

“Bundle up, everyone. I keep the dungeon at about 40 degrees.”

“Why do you keep it so cold?” inquires Lisa.

A wicked grin spreads across Dominique’s face.

“Because when the skin gets cold it stings at least twice as much.”

I remain kneeling as the others walk past me and choose coats for themselves. In their inebriated states I can sense they’re having fun. Their voices are lively and without inhibition.

“B you look adorable!”

“I wish I had a coat like this.”

“Is there really a dungeon?”

After a few moments Mistress taps my head and I turn and look up at her. She smiles down at me, wrapped in a full length fur and a matching headband. She motions with her head and I slowly rise and lead the parade through the doorway and down the stairs into the dungeon.

I feel the chill creep up my uniform and tingle the exposed skin as the cool air enters my lungs. In the center of the room sits an X-frame under a series of lights. Sammy and Gordon appear on either side of me and lead me by the wrists. Each wrist is locked above my head. My ankles are locked to the lower posts. A thick leather belt binds my waist to the frame.

“You two may be excused.”

Behind me I hear the familiar clatter of various devices being handled.

“So are we hitting him like 30some times each? Or total?”

“Total please. I’d like him to be able to walk tomorrow.”

“Such a sourpuss, Cass, robbing me of my fun.”

“So with seven of us, are we rounding up or down?”

“Rounding up, I won’t have it any other way. I can make do with six strikes but I’ll throw a fit if you limit me to five.”

I hear Mistress laugh in response.

I crane my neck trying to peer over my shoulder but the lights from above blind my eyes and exaggerate the shadows. I try to adjust myself in front of the frame but locking my wrists and ankles directly and the addition of the belt leaves me with extremely limited movement.

“I still have to hand it to you on these uniforms, Cass. Leaving the ass exposed is such a luxury that I can’t imagine going back to the olden days.”

“I guess I’ll go first.” Barb’s voice reaches me as I hear her steps click against the stone floor.

I feel my pulse rise in anticipation.

Smack. The crop reaches the bare skin of my behind. I exhale on impact but compared to what I’m accustomed to it’s a mosquito bite. Dominique intercedes before another blow can follow.

“Barb, I don’t remember giving anyone permission to bring any weak-ass nonsense into my dungeon. You have to step into it.”

I hear a foot pound against the floor.

“Then lead with the handle and snap the wrist. Like this.”

WHAM! I’m unprepared from the blow and the impact of heavy flogger and bite of the tips immediately sends my breath from my body with a primal shriek. I fall limp, held up only by the restraints as tears fill my eyes.

“That one doesn’t count as one of mine!”

I gasp for air and slowly catch my breath. I hear another set of steps approach from behind. My rear throbs and I can feel the pulse of my heartbeat all throughout my body.

“Just be glad I’m too drunk to care, Dom, but the last woman to call me weak-ass ended up missing half of her hair.”

I can hear the sound of Barb’s breathing. I hear her tongue click in her mouth.

“I’ve never done anything like this before, I don’t know if I can do it. The way he keeps looking over his shoulder with those eyes.”

Dominique exhales loudly. I hear the rapid patter of steps. A metal talon pokes my cheek.

“Open wide.”

My open mouth is immediately filled with a plastic wiffle ball. Before I can protest a velvet bag goes over my head and is cinched snug at the neck. I let out a small moan.

Smack! The next stroke lands. Harder than the first but manageable.

“Step in and snap it. Snap it.”

Smack! I let out a grunt as the tip bites my throbbing skin. The fifth blow makes me wail. The sixth has me bucking against the restraints. Each round increases the sting more and more. I can feel the throbbing and swelling gradually build. Some of the blows make me cry out, while others do not. Dominique continues to call out instructions as they cycle through the various people and devices. The cumulative blows take their toll but since none of them are particularly hard hitters I manage to keep my bearings.

In my head I’ve counted 30, leaving only Mistress and Dominique. My breath shudders as I feel the warmth leave my body.

“You or me, Cass?”

The response is non-verbal and panic fills my brain. My knees twitch and I tug gently against the restraints above my head.

I feel the bag loosen around my neck. I blink a few times as my eyes adjust to the light. The smell of perfume solves the mystery as the metal talon digs into my cheek. I spit out the wiffle ball and hear it rattle across the floor.

Her voice whispers to me.

“Don’t disappoint me, little one. I bet you’d rather be making out with Brittany right now, huh?”

I blush a little but close my eyes without answering. It’s hard to remain calm in the moments before impending doom.

WHAM WHAM! The flogger lands hard twice in a row. My body shakes and convulses as I howl in pain. I feel the muscles in my bottom quivering as my legs give out. I can’t tell if I’m bleeding. WHAM WHAM! I shriek and sob with my weight collapsing upon me. The belt holds me in my place. The hard thud and the bite of the heavy tipped tails scourges my skin.

“Please….” I try to speak from between my whimpers and moans.

“Those almost sound like words. You know what I want to hear, little one.”

WHAM WHAM! I shriek and scream, thrashing about. My head tips back as the tears stream freely down my face. My eyes open to find Dominique’s face uncomfortably close to my own. She flares her nostrils as she inhales and exhales a deep breath. I try to lean my head away but she stops it with her hand. I feel her tongue against my cheek as she licks a wide band up my face. Her hand forces my head away as her cackling laughter fades away with the clicking of her boots.

My chest heaves as my body feels lifeless. If I know Mistress she will give me some time to recover. I have to wonder if she will go easy on me.

“Don’t you dare go easy on him, Cass!”

“As if I’d go easy on him when I have to follow that. Really, Dom, I have my pride.”

Dominique’s laughter continues.

I turn to find Mistress standing next to me.

“I love my pet.”

She follows that up with a kiss on the cheek before she vanishes from my peripherals.

SMACK! The impact of the strap puts my brain into a spiral as I gasp and writhe. Mistress strikes repeatedly until my cries no longer separate and melt into a prolonged vocalization. The blows cease but the throbbing and pain continue to arch through my body as I slump back and whimper quietly.

The light across my eyes as the tears form a kaleidoscope of the room. I hear the tap of footsteps and voices trail off behind me. The lights go out and I’m alone with the sounds of my sniffles, the light rattling of metal on metal, and the throb of my blistered and bruised rear end.

END ACT

Views on Forced Feminization

Another thing that startled me a bit from this past year was a newer movement among younger Dommes being outraged that forced feminization was used as a means of humiliation.  The common cry was that this is a sexist act. 

On some level it's easy to connect some basic dots as to how they reached that conclusion:
If a man dresses like a woman they should be humiliated = being a woman is humiliating = sexist.

Unfortunately those who take this view tend not to delve beyond that reasoning, nor are they really up for discussion, understanding, etc. on the subject.  If I were to speak with someone and they were to make a valid case for this stance I would definitely give it thought, merit, and consideration. 

On the flipside, I would love it if people could attempt to understand things beyond surface level and think about it before jumping to a conclusion.  Such is the way of the world. 

I don't really feel the need to justify how things work, but I do not mind explaining my views on how this works in order to possibly educate someone upon what goes on from a dynamics standpoint that makes it more complicated than the view outlined above.  For the ease of intents and purposes I will assume that "forced" means that there is a significant consequence at risk for disobeying, be it loss of trust, punishment, or the like. 

Case 1:  feminization vs. feminine.

In the majority of cases where forced feminization is implemented in a D/s relationship, the sissified sub is not taken over to his Domme's closet where she picks out a stylish and fashionable ensemble that accents the sub's physique in a positive manner. 

It is usually something more like this:

It might even have locks.  Do any of you know a single woman that dresses like this on a daily basis?  Negating Halloween, cosplay activities, and the like, have you ever met a woman that honestly dresses in anything even remotely similar to this?  I would guess for most of you, the answer would be "no."  If your answer is "yes," I would follow that up with "was it more than 1 person?"

I've written this before, but I believe forced feminization is a caricature of femininity.  For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a caricature is:  a picture, description, or imitation of a person or thing in which certain striking characteristics are exaggerated in order to create a comic or grotesque effect.

A dress is considered feminine.  Lace is considered feminine.  Bows are considered feminine.  Pink is considered feminine.  Put them all together and this way and this is like nothing a woman would choose to wear. 

If it is not "like a woman," then it is not insulting to women.  Thus, I do not think this dress is designed to be anything sexist... it's meant to make a male sub cry when he has to wear it.  I don't think his tears come from being dressed like a woman... they come from being dressed in something a woman wouldn't wear.

If anything, I will agree that sissy maid outfits are in general unrealistic stereotypes of maids.  If you have seen an actual maid in the past say... 40 years, you'll know they wear something like this:

If a union of professional maids wishes to display their outrage at the portrayal of their role in forced feminization, I will have to say that they are in the right.


Case 2: The dynamics of "forced."

Voluntary feminization isn't really a D/s activity... it's known as cross-dressing.  If you think about the dynamics of "forced," they imply something much deeper going on.  It is really the ultimate symbol of power exchange:  the ability for one person to exert their will over another. 

Humiliation is a self-created emotion.  It is rooted in self-conscious feelings as we feel our ego being crushed.  Much of this is rooted in status.  A lot of it is rooted in our fear of the feelings of people who might observe us from the outside looking in.  These factors can work together to create greater amounts of humiliation.

The status segment is based upon the idea that when we are forced to do something we would not choose to do by our own free will, we are reminded that we are lesser and they are greater.

If someone dislikes wearing an anal plug, forcing them to wear one is likely a humiliating experience because it serves as a ready reminder of the power dynamics and their submissive position.

Since an anal plug can be hidden from the world, the humiliation could be intensified by removing that luxury.  An animal tail, a string of bells, etc. would announce to the world "hey, he's got something up his ass." 

In a similar context, if a sub does not wish to cross-dress, forced feminization represents power/status and brings about that type of humiliation.  Panties are often used in this regard.  Since panties can be hidden from the world... adding visible and obvious signs of feminization will increase the public nature of the humiliation.  Taking into consideration case 1, the more flamboyant and horrific the outfit, the greater the humiliation.

In this way, I do not see a sub's humiliation coming from thinking being like a woman is humiliating, it is from their lack of choice in the matter and fear of other people seeing them in such a state.

Case 3: It's a double-standard.

Let's say a Domme has a femsub and she orders the femsub to only dress in male clothing.  I'm not talking about a "women's version" of masculine clothing, but actual men's off the rack clothing.  She's 5'5" 135 lbs now attempting to wear clothing cut for men.  In at least 95% of cases, men's and women's body types differ so greatly that the clothes will likely fit like shit.  The difference in waistline, hips, leg length, arm length, bust, neck size, etc.  Also take into consideration that most men's clothing does not stretch. 

The end result is that the woman will most likely hate it and she may feel humiliated dressed in such a way.  It's not because she feels it's humiliating to be like a man, but because she is uncomfortable, everything fits like crap, and she doesn't feel attractive in clothes that are not flattering to her figure.  Add in the fact that she doesn't want to do it and we have status humiliation from Case 2.

If this is the case, why does cramming a man into women's clothing become sexist? 
It's uncomfortable, fits like crap, looks terrible, and isn't something he would do by choice.  It seems like the same factors would come into play.

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My parting thoughts on this.  I love women.  I think they are the most beautiful things on this planet in any shape and form they may be in.  I could never be like a woman.  I also could never look anything except awful in any form of feminine clothing.  It humiliates me when I am forced to dress, but it has nothing to do with "being like a woman." 

If I am missing something here... please enlighten me.

Resuming fs01 soon

I will be resuming fs01 in the near future. 

Yesterday I sat down and was able to write well for the first time in a long time.  The ideas just came flowing in and I had to take notes to make sure I remembered to get everything in.  The end result was a 6000 word chapter that will likely kick off arc 8.

I still need to finish off the partially written chapter 55 and I will likely have another 2-3 chapters left in arc 7. 

The content of the post I made on the D/s endgame actually helped me quite a bit in this regards.  I was reaching a point where I couldn't really see a "next step" in order to evolve the story without reaching some form of outcome that I didn't really want to write.  Thankfully that blog entry was able to let me see what I have to avoid in order to steer clear and stay clear of that path.

I don't yet have a solid enough idea to carry an 8th arc, so the early chapters may have a "bonus chapter feel" as I continue to brainstorm ideas for where to go. 

The block is finally falling away... and it feels good.

Frustrations with single sub behavior

Here goes the long version of the post I started over a month ago and then deleted the "short version" that I wrote quickly the other night.

Disclaimer:  I'm really going to try to have this not sound like a rant but I don't have absolute confidence in my abilities to do so.

I've written a lot about courting in the BDSM/fetish/Femdom world over the years.  I've interacted with quite a few subs/individuals who asked for advice and my tips for courting a Domme still get linked to quite a bit.

I don't know what it is about single kink-oriented guys, but they can be quite infuriating.

I'm not sure how much of my own views are biased by the fact that I was someone that no one wanted for so many years.  Long stretches without positive prospects... being rejected repeatedly... it really shaped how I tend to view dating, love, courting, and the like.

I've never understood why a lot of guys have trouble with commitment.  It's one thing if they are in a relationship because of desperation.  The idea of not wanting to be tied down to something that you wouldn't have chosen unless it was the only option isn't necessarily a good one.  But why get into a relationship that you obviously don't like from the start? 

If the relationship is good, why is it hard to commit then?  Some idea that a lottery winning big breasted perfect 10 will pick you out of all the potential guys they could be with?  Some idea that you could be happier with someone who was "better" than who you are with?  Is that fair to the person you are with?  How good could something ever be if you don't love with your all?

Are there answers to these questions?  Sure... but most of them resemble words like "cowardice," "conceit," "selfishness," and the like.  This is bad enough in the vanilla dating realm where the available pool is roughly 50% men and 50% women.  I can't see how anyone would carry this over to Femdom and believe themselves to have the slightest bit of chance.

This past summer I found myself deeply frustrated with a couple of Dommes claiming there weren't more submissive men seeking Dommes than Dommes seeking subs.  This was so outside the realm of what I had thought most people accepted as common belief:  There are way the hell more single male subs than Dommes seeking subs and the only disagreements could be found over how bad the ratio actually was.

Had they added a caveat of say, "there aren't enough WORTHWHILE submissive men," I would probably have agreed with them whole-heartedly.  Single men in kink and fetish communities earn their bad rep.  The dick pics, the "texting on a 2001 cell phone" grammar, over rudeness and the like end up wearing and tearing on the psyche of pretty much any woman that comes in contact with it. 

In these communities, single women are a precious resource.  They are a jewel.  A treasure.  Something to be treated with absolute care and reverence.  Respect them and cherish them. 

Unfortunately the most common interactions are absolutely mind-boggling.  I can't even picture how it goes down. 
It could possibly be something like: 
Version A.  "I'm going to masturbate with one hand, type with the other, and try to jam my fetish down your throat.  That should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"


Version B.  "OMG an actual woman.  It is your job to pay attention to me and give me fodder to wank to.  This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"

Version C.  "Look at how amazing my totally average dick is.  I'm sure looking at a penis gets you as turned on as I get when I look at boobs.  This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"

Version D.  "I ate paint chips when I was a kid living in my house under those power lines.  Wanna go make out after I brush my tooth?"

Being that I am an actual submissive and have served fur-loving Dommes, this type of thing has given trouble to me as well.  "Send me a pic of her naked in a fur coat."  "Umm, no?"  "give me her name so I can look her up on facebook then."  "Seriously?  no." 

If I listened to my inner voice I would be asking for their mother's name so I can find her on facebook and go off on her for wasting a perfectly good sperm and egg.

Moving on and looking at sub's that have actual potential... I found a bit of a disturbing trend.  I don't know if this is recent or not but it seems in the past year there has been a trend with subs ghosting Dommes that have shown interest in them.  If you aren't familiar with the term... it's basically abruptly terminating contact and vanishing with no explanation.  I despise when people break off contact with no reason in general.  It doesn't matter if it's dating or not.  I just think that kind of thing is weak. 

"They should get the hint" is the most cowardly line.  It's even worse when people think they are being kinder by doing that.  Kind is ripping the band-aid off instead of letting them suffer as it's peeled off slowly.  "I just don't think that we are compatible."  "I found someone else."  etc.  Even if it's sugar-coated, it's still something. 

I think why hearing of this frustrates me so much is that when I have had a Domme take interest in me... it was such an ecstatic feeling.  I'm not used to feeling desired.  Being chosen is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  If someone could bail so easily... they are not giving the honor its proper respect... not respecting the person behind it. 

If there's any value in the fact that I spent much of my life feeling unloved, unattractive, and unwanted, it's that I would never do that kind of shit... If anything, I'm prone to going too far in the other direction.  I can be too thankful, too grateful, too attentive where it might be perceived oddly early on.  In any case, I just get excited... because it's exciting to feel that good.

Real life poses its own challenges.  I can understand why someone might hesitate to getting into a Femdom relationship for the first time... but ideally... wouldn't you have thought about that BEFORE you started looking?  Or did the one-hand-on-dick typing method take over?  Or is it one of the reasons why men fear commitment in general?  People take things for granted too easily.

Lady Grey's most recent post actually gives another example.  I can't read about David and think... dude... why?  Why are you willing to fuck up your relationship by just going dark for the day?  If you're too scared and can't handle it... just say that.  In what world is not responding a better choice than just admitting weakness?   Admitting you are weak shows more strength. 

I don't really have a point with this post, but I do have some parting words I would like to add:

-To all the patient Dommes out there that are seeking the right sub: You are a beautiful treasure and never let anyone make you feel otherwise.

-To all the good male subs out there that represent us in a positive light: Steer the course, brothers.

-To all the douchey male subs out there:  Please do not reproduce.  The world sucks enough as it is without future generations of you running around.

Pain vs. Discomfort

This one had been in the works for a while... I posted a "quickie" version of it but then deleted it.

Here is the rewritten version.

While both of these fall under the umbrella of "suffering," I've always felt that the ideas of pain and discomfort tend to reach people in entirely different ways.

Pain is often the major focus of BDSM, it's consensual nature often being simplified to:  The dominant wishes to inflict pain and the submissive wishes to receive pain.  This is a symbiotic relationship of mutual desires that make everything okay.  Wanting to inflict pain doesn't make you a sadist... just kinky.  Wanting to receive pain does make you a masochist, but that's okay too.  It's almost like pain has been compartmentalized to where it isn't really suffering.

When I interact with those from the BDSM community I frequently find that we hit communication blocks that seem to revolve around this idea.  Pain is fine.  Think about suffering as a whole... and everything goes off the track. 

To make someone suffer is seen as evil because while someone may want pain, no one truly craves suffering do they?

As a whole, I find that many dominants do not embrace their sadistic sides because of moral hangups with those views.  While I might agree that people don't truly wish for suffering... I know in my own case, I wish to be dis-empowered to the extent that I could be made to suffer.  That is part of the root nature of my subspace and what drives much of what I seek.  To submit to an authority with the power to control whether I suffer or not... if I am rewarded or punished.

I do not seek pain.

Pain in general is interesting when you view it as a concept.  Pain is temporary.  Pain can be blocked out or ignored.  An athlete may "play through the pain."  An alcoholic may "drink through the pain."  With enough force of will you can detach the mind from pain... you may sense its existence but not experience its brunt force in the same way.

I do not seek pain... but I am adept at handling pain. 

By contrast, discomfort is constant.  Discomfort goes on and on, slowing the passage of time... stretching out the experience in a bad way.  While those with extensive mental strength may be able to conquer discomfort in a similar way to overcoming pain, it's a lot more difficult with each nagging instant reminding you of it.

When a dominant seeks to inflict discomfort, I see a gateway to their sadistic nature shining through as clear as day.  Unlike pain, which can often be driven purely by the act and stops the moment the act ceases, the desire to inflict discomfort involves enjoyment of the idea that even as a passive spectator, the predicament continuously inflicts suffering.  "One small choice that doesn't affect me in the slightest and your existence will be hell for ."

This is where I definitely cannot relate to a sadistic mind.  While I can come up with ideas and methods for discomfort, I gain no enjoyment from the idea of putting someone through it.  If you think about how this pertains to real life situations, it actually gives me a lot more trust for sadistic dominants than say... a judge.  A judge makes one decision on their own that drastically affects the rest of someone's life.  Are they able to sleep at night feeling fully confident that it was a "fair" ruling?  Is it out of sight and out of mind once it's over?  Do they actually get off from having the power to do that?

At least when dealing with a sadistic Domme you never have to wonder.

I also get a little bit disturbed when decisions are made like... let's put a prison in a horrible hot and humid wasteland so that every day is horribly uncomfortable... or let's put the gulag in Siberia.  One small choice that doesn't affect them... but will make your existence hell for .  Is this actual rationale?  Or are they actually a sadist?

I do not deal well with discomfort.  If given the choice between never having another orgasm or sleeping in 100 degree 90% humidity weather without air conditioning, I'd probably give up the orgasms.

That being said, I crave to be powerless before a sadistic mind.  Those sadistic Dommes that naturally impulse that one small choice... are just beautiful. 

Fur and bondage

I'm not going to lie but the past few weeks have started to open up that ache again.  T has made it clear that she isn't interested in anything sexual for the time being so life just rolls on... living fantasies in my mind and hoping for something more.

Doing some digging has shown me that there are finally some stores out there making fur-related bondage gear again.  ~10 years ago there was a company called Touch of Fur that seemingly vanished for a good number of years but some recent internet digs have shown some of their designs appearing again.  I'm not sure if it's the same group or not, but I have to say that I'm just excited that there are more options out there.

A brief bit of bondage history from me...

Back in the day (it makes me feel old to say that) there weren't a lot of options on this front.  The communities that would go on to mix and mesh fetishes together weren't really flourishing yet and it wasn't really known that there would be significant demand for certain types of items.  Sinvention was the original manufacturer of the only restraints that were lined with faux fur.  The downside is that they were rather pricey for what they were.  Not knowing any better, we ordered a full set of wrist/ankle/collar from extremerestraints of what we thought were the Sinvention item only to learn later that XR had supposedly stolen the design and picture and were having them manufactured to much lower quality specs.  They were functional but not very comfortable and there was never enough of a desire to spend additional money to get those.

A couple of years later, we ended up finding a manufacturer that had the first readily available fur-lined leather locking restraints that we had found.  That store is still around and the item can be seen here:  Midnight Blue's

These restraints are very comfortable, high quality, and have locking buckles.  Unfortunately, they do not have a matching collar.  T originally had them custom make a collar for me but when they made the collar based off of my neck measurement they didn't compensate for the reduced circumference caused by the fur lining and it ended up too small.  When we contacted them about having another made they were no longer doing custom orders of that nature.

A week or two ago someone shared a link to this with me from Etsy:  Mink slave collar

This spurred on my interest a bit but I was fairly disappointed that the collar is also too small for my neck.  The description caught my eye as well:
"Stainless Steel Slave Collar wrapped in Genuine Mink. Available with Mink only on front, for the feel of cold steel combined with velvety mink
OR
Wrapped completely in Mink for control with comfort."

That ends up speaking quite a bit to my fetish subspace... just in case it's too comfortable, we have a less comfortable option.

My quest to see if there was in fact a fur collar available now led me to: http://www.thespankacademy.com/

I was actually quite excited to find this site.  They have collars, restraints, and a lot of the old flogger/crop/paddle designs that Touch of Fur used to offer.  They also have fur-covered steel shackles, fur nipple clamps, etc. 

They also have fur handcuff covers, something I hadn't been able to find since the ToF days.  Unfortunately the leather collar does not have a locking buckle. 

An odd sidetrack story but we used to have 2 sets of fur handcuff covers, one set of pink fur and one of white fur.  Several living arrangements ago my apartment had a flood caused by an upstairs neighbor.  I was across the city and it was rush hour so when they called me to say there was a water leak I wasn't too concerned... until they called me back and told me to get there ASAP.  Much to my surprise the apartment manager had done me the "favor" of moving things out of my closet... which happens to be where tons of sex toys and bondage gear was stashed away.  When I got there nothing was mentioned but a while later when everything got sorted out I realized that someone had stolen the white fur handcuffs in that process. 

I guess overall I would have to say that I'm excited that there are more available for bondage accessories than any time I can remember.  The downside is that all of the steel items are all too small for me.  My wrists are too big for the wrist shackles, my ankles are too big for the ankle shackles, and my neck is too big for the collars.  It's kind of a kick in the balls.

If anyone has any other spots online where they have this kind of gear and would like to share it, I would much appreciate it. 

The past year

Just a random spew of reflections here...

In this past year I revealed more about myself in this blog than I had ever thought possible.  I had always planned to keep this as more of an "idea" blog but I am happy that Lady Grey suggested that I try writing things that were a bit more personal.  That spurred on an incredible burst of writing on my part... some of it good, some of it not so good, but everything kept flowing.  In hindsight I probably should have spaced the posts out or scheduled them to go live, etc. but at the same time my feelings were shifting around so rapidly it probably wouldn't have felt right to have them show up out of context.

It does feel a bit strange to have dangled out there the great mess that I call my brain.  On some levels I suppose I had wished to present a more ideal and less neurotic version of myself, but I don't regret putting it all out there. 

I did want to put a thank you out there to everyone that has supported me over the years and I am glad to have gotten to know you. 

The D/s Endgame

I have had a handful of discussions this past year in regards to the long-run outcome of Femdom D/s relationships, something I refer to as the D/s endgame. 

As I can't really envision myself mentally as a Dominant in the long-run I have trouble trying to project the process.  In lieu of that, I will be working from what I have; namely, D/s couples I have known in real life as well as the shared experiences of others from various blogs and places on the internet.

M/f relationships also seem to follow a slightly different trend so I will be focusing upon F/m dynamics.

I take the following assumptions as a given when it comes to Femdom:
1. D/s relationships must always progress or they will grow stale.
2. The Dominant is almost entirely responsible for the direction the relationship travels.

If you are familiar with calculus, there is a good chance you have at some point encountered a problem along the lines of:  find the limit as x approaches infinity or find the limit as x approaches 0.
I tend to view the endgame of D/s as something similar.  There is a point where you have pushed as far as you can (or care to) go and there really can't be anything beyond that point while still classifying what you have as a relationship. 

So just what happens as time approaches infinity?

If we focus upon lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships, there two variables that determine a good bit of where things start and how things progress.
A. How much real-life experience does the Domme have with D/s before the relationship started?  (little/none vs. moderate/extensive).
B. How much real-life experience does the submissive have with D/s before the relationship started?  (little/none vs. moderate/extensive).

Out of these, I find the Domme's real-life experiences more strongly affects the starting point and progression of the relationship, mostly because the speed of progression heavily relies upon if the Domme has fully embraced her dominant side (e.g. doesn't feel guilty for wanting it) and how much trial and error she has done in the past to find out what she likes and doesn't like.  Those past experiences will often steer a relationship clear of certain paths and may intentionally place limits upon where certain activities can go.

For the sake of needlessly classifying things, I have created a series of levels that relationships tend to pass through as time moves on.  Moving to the next level usually requires a deeper state of trust, the submissive to be vulnerable enough to accept new dynamics, and the Domme to have the desire to push the dynamics farther.  I will assume that this process happens with consent from both parties, although it may reach a state of consensual non-consent at some point.

Level 1:
-Light bondage.
-Mild orgasm control.
-Light body worship.
-Mild corporal punishment.
-Mild protocols/dynamics.

Level 2:
-Heavy bondage.
-Mild use of gags/blindfolds.
-Full orgasm control/denial.
-Full pampering and body worship.
-Moderate corporal punishment.
-Moderate protocols/dynamics/rituals.

Level 3:
-Enforced chastity.
-Ruined orgasms.
-Complete focus on her needs.
-Mild to moderate humiliation.
-Domestic service.
-Multi-level punishments (physical, emotional, sexual).
-Strict protocols/dynamics/rituals.
-Mild anal play.
-Mild discomfort/predicament bondage.
-Sensory deprivation.
-Mind-fucking.

Level 4:
-Strict orgasm denial.
-Moderate to extensive humiliation (e.g. CFNM, feminization, etc.).
-Cages/isolation.
-Full responsibility of domestic duties, chores, yardwork, cooking, etc.
-Extreme humiliation (exposure to others, photographs, etc.).
-Pegging.
-Extreme corporal punishment.
-Intense discomfort/predicament bondage.
-Piercings/tattoos.
-Switching to a poly where the original sub remains the primary.

Level 5:
-Cuckolding.
-Forced-bi.
-TPE.
-Branding/mutiliation.
-Depersonalization/dehumanization. 
-Switching to a poly where the sub loses his status as the primary.

Some may disagree with the levels as I have laid them out and I will admit that they are biased a bit for my own fears/experiences/beliefs, but I'd like to think that they probably aren't off by more than one level in either direction.  I also know that many relationships will not reach levels 4 or 5. 

I also tend to believe that if a sub is willing to progress to stage 3 he can likely be broken over time to accept stage 4.  Similarly, I would believe that a sub at stage 4 could be sufficiently broken to accept stage 5, even if it is with resistance and rooted mostly in consensual non-consent.  From my own experiences, with enough pressure, anguish, and time, it is hard to cling to the idea of a hard limit once she points out that the sub is being selfish and that the sub's role is to bring her pleasure. 

If the limits to the relationship are not determined by the sub's wishes, it means they must happen due to the Domme.  What then has to happen in order to advance each stage?  I find the progression to be fascinating as it seems that different factors come into play at each level.

For passing through levels 1 and 2, it looks like it is mostly rooted in the Domme's confidence and desire to experience new things.  Reaching stage 3 requires her to embrace the idea of control and I believe this probably runs parallel to her feeling deserving of it... that is, she desires and believes that she deserves that much control over him.  I find this mindset is a bit daunting one for newer Dommes so I believe that time and repeated positive experiences are required to feed those feelings.

The progression from stage 3 to 4 is significantly different as it requires a fundamental shift in her belief structure.  This is quite complicated and starts to differ greatly from person to person.  If I try to summarize a few different perspectives, they might look something like this:
-She sees herself as superior and him as inferior.
-She sees herself as deserving and capable of doing this and believes it is his deeper desire to be pushed this way.
-She likes it and wants to do it and she should not be denied her wishes regardless of his feelings.
-She wants to try it and "no" is just 20 swats with the cane away from being "yes."  

If commonalities emerge, they are along the lines of:
1.  She emerges with an elevated sense of entitlement. 
2.  His feelings are either unimportant or inaccurate (he wants it, he just doesn't know it yet).
3.  The dynamics become part of a larger system that will confuse his psyche.

To elaborate on #3, I believe that at a certain point and with enough training/conditioning, a sub can no longer give an honest "no."  While sufficiently deep into subspace, the idea of her getting what she wants and being maximally happy begins to outweigh any of our personal desires.  Even if it's logical for us to say no, it feels petty and selfish to value our own over her desires... so after it tears us apart inside... we say "yes."  

I'm not exactly sure how things move from level 4 to level 5.  I believe one possible root is what I wrote about in the previous paragraph.  If a sub can no longer say no, can he truly speak his mind?  Is he still worthy of being called a man?  His will has become her will.  His resolve is to her will.  While some Dommes might see this as the ultimate form of devotion, I think for some Dommes, they no longer love the sub in the same way.  A big part of any relationship is respect for the other.  What happens if she loses respect for him as a man?

I believe the progression of the last stage... the endgame... probably stems from this.  The companion she loved for years is gone and in his place falls a devoted domestic servant, a sex toy, and a whipping boy.  She may care for him deeply, care that he is fulfilled and healthy, but at that point is he worthy of her? 

If this is the case and how things go, I can understand a bit more how certain aspects of level 5 may come about.  She seeks another companion... someone she can respect.  She seeks an upgrade.  A man she can go out and have a good time with.  He is more handsome, has a larger penis, etc.  The sub is now so lowly that is role is to suck the other man's cum from her vagina while serving them both... possibly being used in other ways as well. 

I can see how after respect is gone that she merely sees him as an object and is okay with treating him like property.

I can see how she might prefer to have three subs so that a sub can suck a toe on each of her feet while the third sub licks her sex.  If the original gets jealous, does it matter? 

As I finish writing this I think I finally realize what the true limiter that many Dommes put on themselves that prevent a D/s relationship from passing beyond a certain point.  It is not the limit of an act or a role... but the limit that they do not wish to lose respect for the man they love.  This in turn seems to naturally prevent the level 4 to 5 progression from happening.  Interesting stuff.


It is good to know that stage 5 isn't the inevitable outcome. 

A new year

A lot of things changed for me in 2016 and unfortunately I ended up falling out of writing during the final 3 months after maintaining such a torrid pace for much of the year.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions... I think that we either decide to change or we don't... we do something differently or we don't.  Too much can change for me to ever believe in making a choice because of a resolution.  If it was that important, I should have already done it :)

I've tried to write a few posts over the past few weeks and deleted them or left them as unpublished drafts 3/4ths of the way done.  I find that when I don't really have something to say the writing quality deteriorates badly when I just write to write.

I do want to write... but I actually just wish I felt good enough in my head to have something to say.

I do have plans to get back to fs01 but I may write out what happens after the current arc before returning and finishing up the birthday party.  I'm stuck at a bit of an impasse at the moment as I've reached a point where I feel things "should" be pushed a bit further or changed up.  I'm not sure yet where I would like to go.  I do have to say that my birthday this year managed to throw me off balance and the result was a change in how I approached each day.  My focus drifted and everything internet-based just slid to the background.


A little random blurb that stands out from this past year...

When I was in my teens I was huge into music.  I was playing in multiple bands, going to 100+ concerts a year, and really, music was my only true emotional outlet.  I tended to stay on the forefront of my favorite genres, digging up "the next big thing" months before they were the next big thing.

Something I find interesting about music is that the "when" and the "how" is often very important in what we choose to like and love.  Internet hindsight has become shockingly "correct" in regards to having an appropriate opinion of a band now no matter how wrong everyone was "back then."  e.g. a small underground band that pushed the forefront of a genre may have had only hundreds of fans back in 1998, but through today's eyes there is a widespread acceptance of their place in that genre's history with 100x as many followers now that they are long gone. 

I also find that with certain albums, you "had to be there" to really grasp what it meant and felt... at the time... to be 17 and confused... hearing something express your personal feelings better than you ever could.  It just doesn't have the same impact on me 20 years later.

It's sort of funny that this past year I really discovered a band "for real" that I have had albums of since 1998 or so.  I realize that with what they brought to the table on the sonic spectrum they just found me at the wrong time.  2-4 years earlier and I probably would have loved them, but by the time they were contemporary I had already moved into things that were more complicated musically.  That band was the Alkaline Trio.  I don't love most of their songs and I have had them on my ipod for years but after having a trusted friend of mine talk them up to me, I started paying more attention when they would show up randomly on shuffle.  What I can say is that I always find a gem or two that I wish I had really paid attention to... in say, 1998.  Mostly... I would have to say that they sort of capture the sense of depression that resonated so deeply within me during that era.

When I hear the songs now, I think back and feel like "wow, I wish I would have had this then."  But alas, it is only in hindsight where I can see just how it could have impacted me then but did not.  On the upside, it makes me feel young enough to still be surprised.  (I shared a cover of one of their songs a few months ago).

I hope you all had a good and safe holiday.

Submission

submission is the depth of my love communicated through my actions.

Shorctomings in domestic service

As a recent flood has caused our living situation into total disarray, I've found myself reflecting on a bit of the history with T and I as well as my role as a submissive within it.

When I was new to the lifestyle there were certain aspects that drew me in immediately (e.g. bondage) while others were completely foreign ideas as to why the hell someone would willingly subject themselves to them, let alone seek them out (e.g. chastity, domestic service, etc.).

As things accelerated quickly I began to adopt the mentality of "anything that makes her life easier and more pleasant is good."  Not long after it became very easy to swallow the concept of domestic service.  To put it bluntly, I hate cleaning.  I hate cleaning a lot.  There is something I hate more than cleaning: the thought of her having to clean in my place.

It wasn't long before I embraced this... and soon after (both with K and F) I began to look forward to all roles that displayed my submission, both sexual and not.  The status and interplay between a domestic servant and their Mistress is very arousing, even when thinking about it in non-sexual terms.  The servant's role is to exist for others.  They are (usually) treated as a human but not an equal... they are something less.  A servant is below a pet.  They are not lavished with attention, they are ignored unless needed.  Their thoughts and feelings are unimportant compared to the one they serve.  They enable their Mistress to live without being bogged down by the mundane.

When you think about it, outside of work, just how much time per week is spent running errands, performing chores, and tedious busywork?  For most of us, it is enough to keep our leisure time to a minimum, often choosing to relax and laze away simply to unwind from them.  If you think about the amount of motivation, ambition, and development of interests that falls by the wayside due to the mundane, it's rather disappointing.

While in most D/s situations there is some form of sharing done here, I believe most subs that are suited for lifestyle 24-7 are fine with the notion that the Domme should enjoy her time while the sub creates a situation that allows that to happen.  While sub burnout is possible, dynamics, rules, and consequences definitely help prevent that or at least slow its progress.

I won't lie though, even when T and I were practicing D/s, domestic service was something that really didn't work out for us.  A very huge part of this is her son... who, to be blunt, is quite the slob.  I don't mind cleaning up for her, but I would rather he learn to clean up after himself.

This caused a bit of friction over time, and after finding he was more comfortable tossing his dirty socks and garbage behind the couch rather than taking care of them properly, I began to protest.  Banana peels, yogurt containers, cups that had chocolate milk in them, etc. and yes, the couch was against a wall.  Too often it reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons where Marge polishes the living room to a shine, walks into the kitchen, forgets something, and back into the living room where it's trashed.  Six hours was the average before anything that I had cleaned up was in total disarray again.  After he decided it was more fun to piss into the bathtub rather than into the toilet (something he still does occasionally at age 17), I refused to clean the bathroom, citing that if he was going to do that, it should be his responsibility.  I continued to cook and clean in certain areas, but I stopped in any place that was prone to being destroyed in under a day.

It is strange that it was mostly my parental instincts that caused a breakdown in D/s on that front.  It is also something that caused me to lose some submissive pride over the years.  I'm not sure if this was reasonable on my part or one of my shortcomings, but it got to be too much to bear.

Early experiences struggling with sexuality.

Back when I was younger, before I entered the lifestyle my sexuality was a complete mess.  In the years between M and K, I was completely horrified by the fact that normal porn didn't do it for me.

When I first started touching myself, it was mostly rubbing my crotch through the top of my comforter.  It was so different from the ways people would joke about masturbating that I didn't even realize I was masturbating.  I just know that I was erect and that it felt good.  This progressed slowly over time and I would instinctively stop if I felt myself getting too excited.  I think it took a couple of years before I lost control and ejaculated.  I was always fantasizing about M, or about a scenario with an anonymous woman that partook in acts similar to what M would do with me. 

By the time I started ejaculating regularly, a few things terrified me.  First was that the type of masturbating I would do wasn't anything similar to the act of sex.  Second was that while my friends were becoming perverse horn dogs, I didn't get erect by the same types of things.

While I find a nude female figure to be very visually attractive, it wasn't just the breasts, the legs, or the ass that did it for me.  While I would play along with the "yeah, I'd hit that" or "nice tits" type of locker-room behavior, I knew deep down it was only an act.

I saw women as being a little bit intimidating.  While I was friends with many girls, I could never picture myself "ravaging" them... I respected them and wanted to care for them.  In my fantasies I never made the first move. 

This made dating very awkward as guys were supposed to make the first move.  Asking for permission to kiss them was a turn off... an attractive male would take them and kiss them.  I wasn't supposed to ask how it made her feel... or if it was the way she likes it.  I was supposed to mind read and know all of those things based upon signals.  I know much of the problems were related to the fact that deep down I couldn't believe that she would want that from me.

I really didn't have any serious sexual relations until K, so before that, it was maybe some kissing, light petting, and the like.  I always felt horrible that I didn't get an erection from kissing a girl.  The two things that "did it" for me were her smell or the fantasy that would swirl in my head.  I kept those thoughts to myself... as a buried secret that I never dreamed I would tell anyone about.

In the fantasy, she was M.  She would hold me down and have her way with me, guiding me in how she wanted me to behave.  I would love and cherish her for being there with me... noticing me... making me feel like I mattered... that I was okay... that she accepted me.

Somewhere in the midst of that internet worked its way in.  I remember early on searching for pictures of women in fur and envisioning them as M.  After I discovered NTCWeb everything went into disarray.  All of a sudden fur and Femdom were mixed... and even the pictures and stories that are read that were too extreme... I tried to ignore them... tried to pretend I never saw them.  If I collected any pictures, I would only save Femdom pictures if the Domme was wearing fur... I somehow could stomach that... "because she's in fur, and that's sexy."

My "fantasy M" evolved.  She became my whip cracking fur Goddess that did all the old things and more.  By this time, masturbating made me so ashamed that I wanted to die.  Standard porn did nothing for me.  Looking at women in bikinis did nothing sexual for me.  I felt broken... ruined... and if I managed to find a woman to love me, I would forever keep this buried secret.


I felt hopeless until I met K. 

Today's Blurb

I can't help but be frustrated at my inability to complete a coherent post.

I think a lot of it is stemming from how "starved" I feel at the moment.  I'm currently severely lacking in the emotional intimacy department in addition to craving kink that just isn't going to happen anywhere but my mind.

It all just ends up feeling like a mess inside. 

Views on Acceptance

I had meant to write this yesterday but a water-based emergency in our living situation completely derailed my day.

Writing about identity the other day got me thinking about why and how varying identities conflict with what I am able to accept about myself.  I believe that a lot of this relates strongly to the D/s lifestyle in general but can affect each party in a different way.

From a mental health standpoint, I know that it is healthy to accept myself.  In a perfect world I would embrace the submissive parts of myself, cherish them, and be able to thrive with them.  Unfortunately our world is far from perfect.  Many of us have deep-rooted issues pounded into us over time that make accepting certain things about ourselves nearly impossible. 

e.g. I feel worthless.  Rationally, I know that I do indeed have at least some worth.  Deep in my core, the self-perception that I am worthless never really goes away... it merely fades away during moments when I am doing something that provides "worth" and it's gone in an instant.  There is nothing that anyone can say that will make my heart believe otherwise.  I know this is unhealthy and irrational, but it is for better or worse, ingrained into my psyche.  It provides motivation where I am intent on proving those feelings wrong... but when the days is done and I am alone in my thoughts, the doubts remain.

Somewhere along the line I came up with a solution to all of this that has had mixed results, but as an ideal it is something that I can live with.  I gave up on accepting myself.  I merely seek acceptance from the one that I love.  When I place such weight on the views of another it is calming because it always feels honest and true.  No matter what beliefs from society or myself may say, it's what she believes and feels that is my truth.

I will be the first to admit that this is probably a horrible way of thinking but it's about the only way I have found solace in this world and if not for it, I likely would have shuffled off this mortal coil years ago.  I don't really think I have to point these out but I will anyways but this train of thought is unfair:
-It is unfair to me because it gives her an unsafe amount of power over me.
-It is unfair to her because it puts undue pressure on her to take care of my emotional well-being.

That being said, if she accepts this willingly and incorporates it into our every day dynamics it works quite well.  While it is potentially unsafe for me to roll along with it, no one has ever questioned the depth or strength of my love.  While from the outside looking in it may appear unsafe, it actually fills my heart with gratitude.  She saves me from myself... from my demons... and becomes my angel.

I show her my thanks in everything I do. 

Going back to accepting identities... the world would not accept me as a sissy, I do not accept myself as a sissy, but if she accepts me as a sissy, everything is okay and I can manage with it guilt free.  As she accepts me and all of my magnificent flaws, I love her even more for it. 

In many ways I believe this sort of view creates a sense of dependence.  I won't comment on whether I believe this is good or bad, but I believe it drives power in favor of the Domme to make a sub feel like he is acceptable to her, but unacceptable in general.  e.g. "no one else would want you except for me." 

Personally I do not mind being trapped by this... as it drives me to behave as if she is the only one in the world that I am meant to be with.

As I have conversed upon this subject with other kinksters over the years I find it noteworthy that I hold a double-standard in my mind when it comes to this subject in regards to Dommes.  I always encourage Dommes to accept themselves and embrace all of the quirks and kinks that make them unique.  I often approach it from "this is the way things should be" point of view... as if the world should conform to their image. 

I'm not sure exactly why I do this, but it is probably partly because of how much self-acceptance affects self-confidence and self-esteem, which I consider to be core characteristics of a Domme.  Another part that definitely comes to mind as to why this works is that as I've written in the past, I believe that being dominant is wholly rational.  It is rational to get what you want.  It is rational to want others to do what you want.  It is rational to have freedom and choice. 

Now that I have written it out, it seems obvious to me as to why my feelings easily accept the differences. 

So many of my feelings are irrational or make sense only when looked at in the long-run.  It makes sense that I'm fucked up and my psyche is in shambles because of the experiences that I have had.  I guess the problem is that the long run is a result... and not something we can simply choose to change or have a simple event trigger a drastic shift.

I really hope this made some sense.  Yesterday I had an idea outline in mind for this but I feel like it deteriorated with my exhaustion today.  Normally I would trash this post without hitting publish but I'm not going to do that.

Recent Feelings

Around now is when I sort of wish I was able to get back to my old-style detached and analytical self.

For the time being I will continue to write and try to break through in some way.

Unfortunately my daily feelings as of late have been pretty terrible.  The demons are back, but the impulses are still mild at this time... maybe 5-8 times a day... which isn't enough to be worrisome but definitely enough of a factor to sap me of my energy and drive unless I have plans set in advance.

Basically, it's taking all of my energy to keep my head above water.

I'm continuing to blog as I can although the content will probably feel a bit lacking... as I figure it is better for me to keep trying regardless of what comes out as opposed to just going dark until this wave passes.

A big thank you to those of you who are continuing to read and leave comments.  If not for those I would be feeling quite isolated.

Feeling closer

I do feel like I'm getting closer to being able to "write for real" again.  The feelings inside are starting to resonate in a harmonious way again but I'm struggling with the lack of privacy in the absence of D/s interaction with T.

When she doesn't take part I tend to feel guilty for still wishing to explore my submission.  I don't know exactly why this is but it is definitely this way for me. 

I have attempted some "body language" cues that haven't received a response and that is probably her way of saying "still not interested."

I probably shouldn't feel guilty if that is the case. 

In my mind I am chasing that next dynamic that I wish to explore in writing... I just haven't found it quite yet.

A sea of thoughts: Identity and Fetish

I have come to believe that some of the things that tend to push my submissive buttons the most have to do with identity... how I view myself and its place in the world.

Once I entered into the lifestyle everything proceeded at such a high speed that it wasn't long before these things came into light.  The reading and research I did for K at the start played a big part on this as well.  By the time I had just scraped the surface in my experiences I already had a full book of knowledge in regards to the lifestyle and its perceptions.

I believe most people entering the lifestyle (or dealing with fetishes) struggle with the concept of identity.  Some embrace things and thrive.  Others struggle with it and can be trapped by it.

submissive was the first term that was used to identify me.  I accepted this term from the outset and was okay with it.  It implies a lot but doesn't carry any severely negative connotations.  It acts as a base descriptor of who I am in a relationship.  Basically, I still feel relatively normal if I describe myself as a submissive.

The second term that began to flow into things was slave.  While old guard traditionalists may draw a distinct line between slave and submissive, I believe in many lifestyle relationships this identity occurs by way of the Domme moreso than the sub.  It can often be used as a term of endearment or "title" during play, but once the word slave creeps into a sub's head, it begins to change things.

The most obvious is the perception.  I have "outed" myself to many vanilla friends as a submissive and when I explain what that is, they do not bat an eye.  "Oh, interesting.  If that makes you happy, great."  If I were to change that to "I am a slave," I have to believe their view would change completely... all of a sudden this is something horribly abnormal rather than just slightly different but still within acceptable parameters.

Secondly, even if it isn't a symbol of TPE, being a submissive implies a voluntary role with the scales tipped in favor of the dominant.  Once slave is introduced, something symbolic kicks in inside my brain.  Gone is the idea of mutual pleasure.  As a slave you cease to exist as a human.  You now focus only on her and if she chooses to grant pleasure, you are a lucky slave indeed.  This was the first of several identity hurdles I had to clear over the years.  I can't say I've become perfectly comfortable with it... as this is something I might only use when speaking with someone that is "kink aware."  It is not for public consumption.   This greatly affects my mindset while serving.  As soon as "slave" pops up, I instinctively become more docile, more obedient, and a little bit afraid.

After K brought dressing into the mix, I was horrifically terrified to be labeled as a sissy.  My reading had brought the stigma to light and it was something I wished to avoid.  The term is still one that stirs me at the core of my being.  I do not wish to identify with it.  My blog and usernames were chosen in order to help me grow accustomed to this term.  6 years later and I am no closer in my quest to be more comfortable with this identity.

As the road that led me to this place seemed to parallel my interests with fur, while there is a lot of overlap, there are some interesting differences as well. These differences explain in some ways why there are many submissive fur fetishists out there that secretly relate to the related topics I have covered in the past as well as those that might seem similar from the outside but do not line up very well at all in reality.

One thing that startles me in a way is how comfortable people get with identifying themselves as fur fetishists but how uncomfortable they are identifying as submissives.  It's like... coming to terms with one used up all of their courage so that there was nothing left to confront the latter.  While not all fur fetishists are submissive, a very large percentage of them do share submissive desires that they keep hidden.  Personally, I find it harder to admit to being a fur fetishist than a submissive.

Another oddity is that sissies are rare in the fur fetish community.  It's not that they don't exist, it's just that those with that identity are a tiny minority, even among those heavily into dominant women, bondage, and humiliation.

As you may well know, somewhere in the realm of 90-95% of the fur clothing out there is designed for women, which inevitably means that unless a fur fetishist is rolling in money, they likely end up wearing a good number of women's fur items purchased as either accessories or coats on the 2nd hand market.  This in itself is a bit interesting as many are fine with this while others carry guilt over it and struggle to accept it.

The next identity line (the one that keeps the sissy descriptor limited in this scene) is that of a cross-dresser.  Technically, if a man wears women's clothes... that does imply they are a cross-dresser, but it seems that there are those that draw a firm line in the sand from an identity standpoint as to whether or not they choose to identify with this.

One stage deeper falls those who would go by transvestite, but there are far fewer of these than people who associate as cross-dressers.

I don't really mind labels or identities on anyone, I mostly find them interesting in how they affect us personally.  If anything was to strike me as odd from the fur fetish community it is the number of straight, non-submissive fur fetishists that actively wish to bottom in a kinky way regardless of the gender or sexual-orientation of the top.  It seems through fetish they are able to ignore the identities of bisexuality and submission and return to their "normal" state after completing a scene.

Conditionals

As my depression riddled brain continues to wander, I've been trying to come up with some ideas for where to go with fs01 if/when I get around to finishing Arc 6.

When I started writing it, I wanted to create something that felt believable.  I won't try to claim it's realistic, but I wanted to include a variety of factors that would create a situation that seemed reasonable if someone were faced with it.  This required including a lot of conditionals.

I know that in relationships conditionals are often seen as negative things.  People desire unconditional love.  They want to feel like there is full acceptance of things as they are and if people feel the need to interject conditionals, that it is somehow impure.

D/s opens a strange can of worms in that conditionals often serve as safety checks.  A horny sub can get into lots of trouble if these aren't in place, so concepts such as hard limits, safe words, and the like are conditionals that come into play, especially in newer relationships.

I think the majority of TPE relationships are formed upon either stated or implied conditionals, which oddly enough, goes against the idea of TPE.  If someone is truly a slave, they have no right or power to negotiate the terms of their slavery.  Once you are a slave, rights and power no longer apply.  With that in mind, conditionals serve as our "voice of reason" when making a conscious choice that puts us in an irrational position. 

I would have to believe that a male sub that agrees to be a slave, does so on the (at least implied) agreement that they will be cared for and kept by their owner.  Without this sort of basic protection it becomes much more difficult to give up your rights.

In fs01, a lot of my own personal requirements are on display.  What would I need in order to accept the conditions/lifestyle put forth by Cassandra? 
In the first arc this is rectified by their initial labor contract that binds them to each other.  While he cannot leave, she cannot leave him.  This is at the core of my own abandonment issues and along the lines of what I might require to give up my own livelihood and freedom.  

The idea that I'm tossing around for Arc 7 (or wrapping up to a finale) is Cassandra's understanding that fs isn't really a slave since he is protected.  Reaching the ultimate dynamic can only happen if fs's protections are stripped from the situation, which would involve a contract renegotiation in her favor, divorce, and the like.  I'm not sure I care to go down this path or "end it" under these terms but I have to say that it's on my mind.  I hate potentially spoiling the future storyline but I'm really trying to get myself back to a writing state of mind.

Analyzing the fantasy: Permanence

I'm pretty sure I've written about this at some point in time but here it goes again.

As I find myself looking for ways to motivate myself to get back to finishing up fs01, my mind has lingered around the fantasy land and continues to circle around the theme of permanence.

I find this theme is very common in D/s fiction, especially shorter works.  On its surface level it seems a bit odd that would crave or fantasize about irreversible events that either cannot be undone or imply some form of finality, but looking at it from a "wank fodder" perspective it becomes easier to see just what lies at its core.

While we may gloss over submission as something we do willingly and with enthusiasm, I have come to believe what what really taps into the nature of subspace is a bit contrary to that.  If everything a submissive did was something they truly wanted to do (e.g. they would choose this action ahead of an alternative), would there really be a need for power/status/dominance?

I believe that in many ways we portray D/s as more of a symbiotic relationship where actions from both parties run parallel with a predetermined focus (e.g. the Domme's pleasure/benefit).  While I agree much of what constitutes Femdom relationships consists of this and this is the foundation of "consent," I believe the differences in power/status bring about a completely different dynamic.

While many submissives (myself included) thoroughly enjoy serving and pampering a Domme, the key points that tug at my submissive heart strings are this:  She never has to do what she does not want to do.  She can make me do what I do not want to do.

That is not to say that a submissive cannot resist the Domme's wishes, it's that the sub faces consequences for their resistance.   At its basest level, I believe that is the essence of the power inequality, especially if the price for saying no is worse than going along with things.  This is the underlying tone that frequently goes unspoken... as it's just how things are.

Personally, I find that one of my strongest subspace triggers falls here; the idea that she can impose her will upon me and I may experience discomfort or displeasure that I cannot control.  This notion is where I find permanence to have its strongest pull.

If we list off some common permanent Femdom fantasies:
"You will NEVER have another orgasm."
"You will NEVER have another erection."
"You will NEVER be allowed inside me again."

In most Femdom relationships, none of these are very attractive realities for the Domme.  Having their sub lust for them is a big part of sexuality and feeling attractive.  Having him desperate to cum is frequently entertaining and a source of control.  None of these are really conducive to lifestyle D/s, but they do manage very well in the wank-fodder fantasy realm because they are intense themes that hit squarely in the heart of subspace. 

These are things that a sub (likely) holds very dear and would not want to lose.  Since fantasy doesn't have a long run, there's no need to dwell upon the long-run future, despair, and possible depression that results from it.  There's no need to worry about the deterioration of physical intimacy or loss of self-motivation.  In fantasy, all we need to look at is the emotional wound, the sense of immediate loss, and the drastic display of power that just occurred.  He is nothing.  She is everything. 

I think under those terms it can work as a short-run fantasy but it requires ignoring a lot of long-term ramifications.

Holdays

Nothing kinky here...

With the holidays approaching I find myself balancing the double-edged sword that the holidays bring.

I love gift giving.  I enjoy the challenge of finding gifts that the receiver will truly enjoy within budgetary constraints.  I believe that giving a good gift is a sign that you can truly understand someone... what makes them tick... and why they like the things that they do.

The major downside I tend to find with holidays is dealing with family. I am not close to my family.  I despise the "game" of it all.  Seeing people that pretend to be nice knowing full well how they actually feel will differ from what they display.

I've been accused over the years of not being "nice," which I can agree with completely... but rarely are people able to say that I am not "good."  I'm the friend that will drop anything when a friend is in need.  I will be there through thick and thin, good and bad, and able to step up and be strong when they need me.  Growing up in the midwest... which is the hotbed of passive-aggressive behavior has always been rough on me.  I don't pretend to be nice.  I don't give false compliments.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  This catches many people off-guard, and it isn't long before very few people see me as "nice."

On the flip-side, I don't pretend to be nice to people I don't like.  If they ask me why I will give an honest answer.  I don't go on and on with empty praise, only to tear them down behind their back as soon as they leave the room.  This sort of behavior is one of the easiest ways for me to lose respect for someone because it leads me to believe that I can't trust their words at face value... and I also know that if they are talking shit about someone to me, they are talking shit about me to someone else. 

In some ways I tend to straddle the two coasts.  I'm east coast enough to be straight forward.  I'm west coast enough to only care when it's something important.  In either case, I will take "good" over "nice" any day of the week.

It is during the holidays that I get most acutely aware of this game.  In my day to day life I tend to avoid it as much as possible but knowing that this sort of interaction is inevitable tends to sour my mood even before it happens.