Thoughts on gender, submission, life

My mind has been wandering a lot on various topics.  Domina Jen's most recent post as well as my Random thoughts on arousal post just have the wheels turning in my mind on related subject matter.  Forgive me if I repeat any topics that I have covered somewhere in the past.  I have written about so many things that I end up repeating myself quite often even if it is years apart.

I can remember the time in my life where I first found myself envious of girls and women.  I'm not so blind that I would say that women have things better.  There are plenty of ways in which society, history, religion, and lesser evolved humans attempt to keep women down.  There are plenty of standards by which women are measured that are not fair.  Things are different for women than they are for men.  I believe that most people would agree with that statement.

It was in my mid to late teen years when I found myself experiencing an emotional awakening of sorts after years of repression.  I hadn't been close with a girl since preschool.  My hardened outward self had made me someone that wasn't conducive to that (I was a prick and they wanted nothing to do with me).  When I allowed myself to soften I found myself in quite a few friendships with women.  From 16-24, the vast majority of my friendships were with women.  It wasn't long before I could start to see why it was so easy to connect with them on an emotional and personal level. 

Up until that point I pretty much had two types of experiences with male peers.  1. Jocks.  2. The "gifted" kids.  The jocks were, as you could have guessed, pretty typical of jocks.  In that world, the big, the strong, and the fast excel.  Once the pack leader has been chosen, everyone sort of falls into line and maintains an "acceptable" type of behavior in order to fit in.  Group think, mob mentality, and following the guy that is the most likely to end up as the starting quarterback/point guard/ace pitcher in high school.  Weakness is devoured.

The gifted kids had a similar type of hierarchy.  In most cases, there is a somewhat socially competent kid of above average intelligence with parents that led him to believe he is God's gift to Elvis.  This becomes the pack leader and he sets the tone for the vibes and acceptable preferences of the group.  They are the one that decides that the Highlander is awesome and everyone else must agree.  More group think.  More repressed self.

I remember during my emotionally "dead" time that I just go so fucking tired of people insisting how to act, what to like, what to dislike, and so on.  It also became abundantly clear that I would not be able to share any of my inner-self within those environments.  Too much risk.  No compassion or empathy.  I willingly dropped from the gifted programs around the same time I quit sports.  I was fed up.

It took me a while to be able to express myself.  In the earlier stages, I simply listened to people and empathized with them.  I was able to express and put into words what they were feeling far better than I could sort through my own emotions.  Many of my very early dear friends were girls.  They were the ones who could express themselves.  They were the ones who could voice their doubts, their fears, and their desires.  Their pressures were different.  In the mid-90's they were fighting on two fronts: society's insistence that they be thin and pretty and the rising belief that women should be empowered, confident, and free. 

While this duality would often damaged their self-esteem, a great difference was that they were comfortable having feelings, expressing them, and showing their true selves.  Even after awakening I still maintained a specific face I showed to the world.  I still felt a need to constantly be on the defensive and protect myself.  Knowing how far off I was from the societal ideal male damaged my self-esteem as well, I just wasn't allowed to talk about it. 

I began to notice the girls had a freedom of emotion.  They had a freedom of self.  At this time, at least in my school, the 1980's ideals were crumbling at a rapid pace.  Being independent and different was encouraged.  A nerd girl?  Hot.  A "weird" girl with pink hair?  Hot.  She has that "ordinary girl next door thing going on?"  Hot.  It was like... they could be anything and there would always be people who were accepting of that and wanting to be around.

The corresponding male counterpart seemed to be stuck in a role dictated by appearances.  An attitude.  A way to dress.  Be cool.  Always be cool.  You HAVE to be cool.  It was just another form of restriction that led to false behaviors. 

I remember when I first started to feel envy.  I envied the emotional freedom and expression.  I envied the ease with which they could express themselves in physical contact.  I envied that they could like what they wanted to like without fearing peer judgment. 

This wasn't all hearts and flowers.  There were also the eating disorders, backstabbing, double-standards, and the like.  The same behaviors were running rampant in my guy friends, the key difference being their inability to cope and deal with their own emotions.  As I grew older I began to respect homosexuals a whole lot for the courage and strength it takes to live openly and weather out the storm of a society that is still largely intolerant. 

I kept all of these thoughts to myself.

As I grew older and discovered certain websites (e.g. NTCweb), my fur fetish and Femdom fantasies began to grow exponentially.  If anyone had found out about these things, I have no doubt that I would have killed myself.  That was the depth and shame of the secret parts of myself that I kept hidden.

As my abundant friendships with women continued and I returned to the cold climate after spending a few years on the coast, I certainly began to notice a few things.  As I was on a large campus that routinely involved 15 minute walks from my car to a class or standing outside waiting for a bus for 20 minutes in the freezing cold, I found myself at the store, actually looking at scarves, hats, and the like that I had shunned for so many years.  On that same trip, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the women's section as well, my heart racing and body temperature rising as I looked over the fur-trimmed coats and accessories.  After spending 30 minutes working up some courage, I finally managed to touch a handful of things with the cover story of "looking for a gift for my girlfriend" in case I was approached. 

To my surprise, a scarf in the women's section was half the weight, twice as warm, and about ten times as soft as a scarf in the men's section.  Even if they were both acrylic, they found a way to make the women's version infinitely nicer and there were dozens of variations of color, style, and material to choose from.  Apparently with our 5 o'clock shadows we aren't supposed to be able to tell the difference between luxury softness and two-notches smoother than sandpaper. 

This was a sticking point of another form of envy.  Women had access to things that are much nicer.  The people catering to them understood that comfort matters.  In addition to comfort, they were also more functional (warmth to weight ratio).  A woman could have gone out and purchased a fur scarf and then enjoyed the feel of it while it kept her warm.  I had to spend an hour doing laps in a nervous sweat before working up the courage to touch the fur scarf on the rack before scurrying home and throwing up out of shame and guilt.  She could have purchased a men's scarf and worn it without harm.  Had I done the same I would have faced ridicule, scorn, and the risk of physical violence. 

Men aren't supposed to enjoy themselves in that way.  They aren't supposed to want to be pampered and made to feel physically good.  Has anyone ever wondered why with all the fat dudes out there that they don't make men's jeans with a stretch denim waistband? 

As time moved on, I entered the world of BDSM.  As I delved into communities, both local and online, I quickly began to notice just how much easier it was for women to express their submission, preferences, and the like than men were.  I actually remembered back as early as high school meeting girls that were open about kink and that persisted in college as well.  On the other hand, I was terrified.  For years I had lived in secret shame with my kinks and fetishes.  I had never told anyone about M and the way that she would tie me up.  Even after my experiences with K, I was deathly afraid of admitting what I was into. 

In a lot of ways, male subs are seen as lowly.  There are a huge number of them that go around spamming every Domme around with cock shots and the results are quite damaging because it is difficult to differentiate yourself from the rest.  The more intense your kinks are, the more likely you are to be written off as a fantasy wanker.  On the other side, there seems to be far fewer inhibitions by women to be open about their kinks.  Many can comfortably cite them as part of themselves with a "take it or leave it" attitude. 

I wish I could be brave enough to just openly like what I like.  I wish I could be strong enough to just show my true face more often.  I probably will never be able to do so. 

New Drawings... although not my usual

I've been getting a lot more interactions on the Wordpress side of things.  After posting a handful of drawings and getting some encouragement I ended up doing a drawing.  This is sort of an ongoing joke with another blogger that I correspond with, Nora.  While her blog is M/f, she writes well and delves into subjects quite thoroughly.

The reference is to some jokes about her upcoming Halloween costume that has been ongoing for several months.

I figured I would share them here.
This was the original version.

Without text and a recolor:

There was a request put in for more cleavage, so I made some changes:

Why I give up control follow up: my father and examples of relationships

I received some comments from Mrs Fever on my post Why I give up control in regards to my adopted father's role in his marriage to my adopted mother. 

My adopted father was a very emotionally repressed person.  He was raised in a small sect of an Old Testament-based puritanical religion.  For those who aren't familiar with what that means, it was basically being raised around the principles from the "fire and brimstone" era of the Bible.  Sin and go to hell.  It differed greatly from more common versions of Christianity that are more about love and forgiveness.  He was one of the middle children of 6 and grew up quite poor.  e.g. all 6 of them shared one bicycle.  He would work after school at his family's business and once a week would get enough allowance to buy a candy bar and a comic book. 

His father was a strict disciplinarian.  His mother deferred to his father for everything.  Two years before I was adopted his mother died from cancer and on her death bed her final words before she died were, "I hope God can forgive you for marrying her."  Her = my adopted mother = not of their religion.  After that moment he never again told my adopted mother that he loved her and the slow process of their marriage's erosion ensued.  His family's belief was that my mother's tubal pregnancy that rendered her unable to bear children was seen as God's punishment for her unwillingness to convert to their religion.  Needless to say, I never got close with my father's side of the family.

There weren't many opportunities available to him, which led to his rage and the subsequent beatings I would receive if I didn't want to do something.  It made me an ungrateful spoiled brat because when he was my age, he would have killed for the opportunity to do it.  As I was quite small until I turned 15, this was enough to keep me compliant with most things.  There really wasn't any love or affection.  We never had those bonding father/son talks.  I learned about sex and anatomy from Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines I bought from a friend. If I played badly at little league I would be lucky if he spoke two words to me until I was able to redeem myself in a future game.  Eventually I became neurotic, feeling like I had to be perfect and amazing in order to earn any type of acknowledgment.  My father was the Picasso of piss poor communicators that would repress emotions until they boiled over.  Unfortunately he would speak with his fists, but at least then we had the consolation of knowing what he was feeling rather than sifting through and deciphering passive aggressive secret codes. 

With that in mind, it is probably a shock that my mother dominated the relationship.  In most cases one would probably assume that my parents held some form of 1950's household or something more closely resembling his parents marriage.  My father wasn't particularly interesting.  He was above average intelligence but not particularly smart.  He had relatively few social skills and poor understanding of human emotion.  I honestly don't know how he reached the professional position that he did.  As his childhood home was one where the mother did all of the "women's work," he never learned how to do much around the house.  As they were dirt poor, he never learned to manage money and finances.  His upbringing kept his social ties limited.  Most of his experiences were part of being with his brothers that were close in age or other people of the same religion.  Basically, he depended upon people just being there and wasn't good at meeting people, let alone making friends with them.  I suppose this was probably difficult being a teen when drinking smoking, dancing, kissing, listening to "devil music," and the like were all damnable offenses. 

Overall, he had very few life skills.  He couldn't cook.  He couldn't clean something that wasn't a car.  He couldn't do laundry.  He couldn't grocery shop.  He couldn't balance his checkbook.  My mother managed everything at home, from finances to which family friends we were going to spend time with, where we were going on vacation, what we were eating that night, and so on.  While he was the primary breadwinner, he had very little control over the family as a whole. 

My adopted mother was a bit of a hen-pecker, and this got worse over time.  She constantly has to have everything be exactly as she wants it, even if that means over-extending herself into a stressed out and frantic state.  She refuses help that won't do things exactly as she envisions them and then complains about how she has to do it all herself.  While her heart is in the right place, she is the type that erodes people's self-confidence slowly over time with under-handed cryptic words and ensuring that people will fail to meet her expectations.  This was the basic example presented to me on how relationships are supposed to work.

Post-divorce, my mother married a man that she could outright bully into compliance.  She would press and press and press until my step-father would finally try to stand up for himself.  She would then counter with why he's wrong, and press in a different way until he gave in.  Out of the gate she seized control over everything she had controlled in the previous marriage. 

My father married a woman that could be kindly described as a "cold-hearted bitch."  Her demeanor in relationships was something along the lines of, "I tolerate you.  You're an idiot.  I'm always right.  This is how things are."  This woman was a long-time friend of the family and we had seen her break down her first husband in a way led to an earlier divorce.  It was obvious before they married that she was calling all the shots and my father carried the shame of living in her ex-husband's shadow (who had made a lot more money than he did). 

Out of these four parental figures, while my step-father had the highest IQ, my step-mother won out on tenacity, psychological warfare, and understanding how to manipulate people.  In all of the relationships it was obvious that the woman was the primary shot-caller and the man's role was to facilitate her will.

The rest of this post doesn't really pertain to my father, but does relate back to the Why I give up control post.

Some time ago I had also written about how my class in school was one that was riding the backlash of a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit against the school district that the district lost badly.  As part of the settlement, they clamped down on the rules so strongly to where the typical adolescent ritual of flirting was crippled.  The rules as they were put in place, gave girls an immense level of power over the boys.  If a boy made a girl feel uncomfortable, she only had to report him and he would be suspended and/or expelled.  There were 2-3 years worth of students that basically were scared to flirt, date, and the like. 

If you were a boy and interested in a girl, everything had to be done outside of school.  This usually required having a platonic friendship first before trying to advance things to a relationship level.  If you were a boy you didn't get to know a girl "in that way" in school or ask them out on a date to get to know them.  The rules were written in such a way that girls could make advances on boys, but not the other way around.  With the exception of the students that transferred into our district, in say, 1993 or later, the girls were empowered and boys were relatively passive.

Needless to say, the majority of my friends that ended up in relationships mirrored the relationship between my parents and step parents.  The girls were the ones who chose them.  They were the shot-callers.  The boys went along with what they wanted.  This is just how things were. 

Sometimes it seems like everything in my life helped steer me to this lifestyle.

Milestone: Post 1000

Apparently my last post was post #1000.

I want to say thank you to all my readers and those who have supported me over the years.  You mean a lot to me.

Take care.

Thoughts on contrarianism in D/s

I'm sure that almost everyone has encountered at least one person in their lives that exhibits contrary or defiant behavior or thought processes.  They don't want to do something until they are told not to.  They don't want something until they are told they can't have it.  If something is established as popular belief they will come up with an opposing view simply because they do not want to be told what they should think.  An illogical example is the person who wants to break up with their significant other until the s.o. decides to break it off first, then they become dead set on saving the relationship.

I've never been one of these people but I am a bit fascinated by this behavior.  At times I've been curious of the roots of this all.  The best I have been able to put together is that people want to feel free and independent.  Once they feel tethered by restrictions or limited options, they feel an impulse to free themselves from them and prove that they have the power to be in control of what they want to do.  I could be wrong, this is just my own interpretation of things.

Out of the dominants I have known, the majority of them who discovered their desire for dominance at a young age seem to rarely, if ever, engage in this type of behavior.  By the time they are well into adulthood they tend to exhibit a great deal of emotional control and are more likely to think deeply before they react.  These dominants tend to know what they want and how/when they want it.

When it comes to newer dominants, that have say (as an arbitrary number), five or less years within the role, I find there's noticeable percentage that will build preferences and dynamics around contrary ideas.  Here are some examples:
-If the sub dislikes something, it makes them want to do it more.
-If the sub likes something, it makes them want to control it, limit it, deny it, or corrupt it into something the sub doesn't like.

Again, I'm not certain why this happens.  When I have spoken to Dommes of this nature they aren't even sure of why this happens but there is often a sexual response.    When I read into it, it leads me to believe that the core is probably linked to their understanding of power and control.  They see power as the ability to make someone do what they do not want to do and control as the ability to limit what acts the sub partakes in regardless of the sub's preferences.  In many cases, the opposing nature of the sub's preferences will outweigh nearly all of their established kinks up to that point.  I personally find this to be absolutely fascinating as this has the ability to shape a developing Domspace.

I also find it a bit terrifying.  In cases where "fit" is concerned, both parties approach a potential relationship with their own preferences in mind and see how well they line up and whether or not compromise is possible.  A contrary dominant may have some principles they will not budge on, but with many other activities they will adapt themselves around the sub.  "Oh, that feels good?  I will stop now and never do that ever again.  Oh, this hurts and is uncomfortable?  I will make sure to do it from now on."  In a way, it is personally tailoring cruelty and has the potential to be very intimidating.

From a submissive perspective this is an odd idea to think about.  Having all of my preferences countered perfectly drives me deep into submissive mental space.  If all of the rules and dynamics were crafted around these principles, it would be a fearsome lifestyle to behold. 

Why I give up control

I believe for many, the most difficult aspect of D/s is the act of truly giving up control.  Many activities in the lifestyle feel quite momentary.  You have a task, you complete it, done.  You play or have kinky sex, you complete it, done.  While there may be rules out there, in many cases following them are optional, and breaking them only matters if you get caught, right?

Truly giving up control has no off switch.  Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.

When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup.  How do you trust someone enough to give up control?  Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice.  I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control. 

If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix.  Yet people press on.  I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal.  It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.

I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control.  I always had too much control.  I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it.  After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit.  At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end.  If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat.  If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence.  If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades.  While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities.  Laundry.  Every meal.  Work.  Car maintenance.  House maintenance. 

Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices.  I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times.  I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep.  From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot.  I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time.  If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that.  If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that.  Eventually, it got tiresome.  That freedom didn't bring me happiness.  The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was.  It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life.  It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.

As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life."  If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want.  In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not.   In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me:  my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on. 

The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive.  They mattered so little to me.  I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on.  My habits were a way to kill time.  Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible.  If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat. 

I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved.  I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed.  I wanted someone to be there when I woke up.  I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them.  I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not.  I wanted someone to grow old with. 

In a relationship, I expected to conform.  My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother.  When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother.  Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends.  In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead.  It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too.  Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.

By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem.  I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy.  I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late.  I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with.  I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance.  I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness.  Give up control?  Yes, please.

Link: A Domme's take on Sexism and Forced Feminization

I wanted to post a link to this because I found it to be a good read:
https://dominajen.com/2017/09/29/sexism-and-forced-feminization/

Evolving the submissive self

Being a submissive in the D/s lifestyle is one of the few times where a person constantly evolves under the guidance of a true merit-based system.  Certain behaviors are encouraged while others are discouraged.  Over time we find ourselves shaped into the image that the Domme desires.  At each plateau, repetition helps polish our skills and improve the quality of our service.  In turn, this makes us a "better" submissive.  The better that we conform, the more likely we are to instill confidence in the Domme, often granting her the courage to push us to the next step and continuing the evolutionary process for both parties.

That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance.  Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs.  How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality? 

If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains.  If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up.  If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve.  This differs greatly from fantasy.  In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you.  In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her.  It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit. 

Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things.  This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself. 

Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received.  Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus.  It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess.  Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response.  Expect no reciprocation.  Require no thanks.  Have no impure motive.  The answers to why should remain simple.  "Because I wanted to."  "Because I thought you would like it."  "Because I wanted to see you smile."  "Because I love you."  "Because you are my Queen." 

Working this through will improve your active submission.  You will become better at anticipating needs.  You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined. 

As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.

Random Thoughts on flavors of D/s

One of the biggest fundamental differences in the way that people view a BDSM-oriented kink lifestyle is related to how encompassing the dynamics fall into every day life. Basically, does power exchange occur only during defined periods or is it on all the time?

For some, D/s is roleplay engaged in between consenting individuals for set periods of time with the goal of mutual pleasure.

For some, D/s is a way of life that governs nearly every aspect of daily life.

There are also some hybrid forms where most of the "action" occurs at defined times but there may be some daily responsibilities required of one party or the other.

I tend to avoid passing judgement over the flavors that people prefer. The world is far too miserable of a place to look down upon anything that makes a couple happy. If someone just wants steamy hot sex, I see nothing wrong with that. If someone wants a personal servant doting upon their every whim, I see nothing wrong with that.

I will go ahead and create my own terms here: full time for those who practice D/s as an "always on" lifestyle, and part time for those with dynamics that are not always on.

I will note that I believe the vast majority of those who partake in D/s would classify themselves as part time. I believe full time is the minority even though they may be represented disproportionately high in the blogosphere.

A lot of the full time vs. part time reasoning depends heavily upon the preferences of the dominant. They bear the brunt of the responsibility for keeping the dynamics going, so it makes sense that the extent of the dynamics should fall in line with how much they are wanting to monitor things. As far as submissive desires go, I think there is often a wide rift between what they fantasize about and what they can actually handle. With that in mind, it is easy for subs to desire full time but then struggle when facing it as a reality. A good number of them can retain a rational balance by knowing to “be careful what you wish for.”

Having lived out both styles, I have to say that I crave full time beyond anything. The reality of it is terrifying. As much as you can build up trust it is still a leap of faith to present yourself with total vulnerability. I believe this is what separates roleplay from lifestyle. In roleplay you may act powerless or at the mercy of another. It is controlled. There is a start, a stop, and you will be “back to normal” upon its completion. This in itself is a fine choice. It is a safe choice. It is a reasonable and responsible choice.

It is scary as hell to adapt to a new way of living, a new way of thinking, and a new set of ever-evolving expectations while having little power to control what will happen. There are limits, of course, but anything that falls short of those limits is fair game. I think this type of vulnerability scares a lot of people even in vanilla relationships. To allow the one we love to see us without guards, without walls, and without masks is terrifying. They see our good and our bad, our strengths and our weaknesses. However, I have to say that when they see you all the way to your core and still choose to embrace you, you really have found that truly special bond that can’t be built in any other way.

Random thoughts on arousal

Something I have struggled with greatly over the years has been coming to terms with what arouses me.  By struggled, I mean, I have never come to terms with it.  In my youth it was the cycle of masturbation followed by shame followed by denial that would just loop over and over again.  As much as I had hoped that my fantasies would become more normal over time, the opposite happened and the extremity of my perversions only grew stronger. 

This continued for years.  Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me.  As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying.  As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations. 

I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex.  I envy those people.  I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.

I don't expect this to ever really change for me.  It doesn't really matter to me either.  I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space. 

I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink.  When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special.  It's sexy, attractive, and unique.  Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be.  They should make her proud to have them.

On the other hand, my arousal is weird.  My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should.  I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not.  While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it.  The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.

This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.

Compromises

Note:  This is written from the standpoint of those interested in a 24-7 lifestyle Femdom or FLR type relationship and will not pertain as much to those seeking a more casual BDSM-oriented relationship.

In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub.  While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa.  For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle.  The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.

Sex and play will be on her terms.  While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them.  Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then.  For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it.  If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.

I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub.  This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.

There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology.  There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties.  It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible.  The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views. 

While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things.  "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences.  Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.

Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about.  Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface.  From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share.  Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about.  If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects.  If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged. 

Status and Stations

I recently read some comments on a different blog that I wanted to respond to but left that for the author.  I do not feel safe speaking for others but with enough information I can sometimes do pretty well at guessing on their thought process.  Having followed well over a hundred blogs for years and been a part of several local and internet-based groups you tend to see most of what can exist out there. 

There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon.  This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages.  Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship.  "I don't see how someone would want _______." 

Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc.  While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.

Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality.  While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private.  e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't.  If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level. 

Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality.  Equal.  Equal rights.  Equal pay.  Equal opportunities.  Women can be just as good as men.  Equal.  Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful.  This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses. 

In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children.  This was the "American Dream" for decades.  Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal. 

Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover.  The ideal of a male partner didn't change much.  The big change was in relative statuses of men and women.  Equal. 

The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent.  If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is. 

While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner.  They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.

Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status.  This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries.  One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals.  These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang.  Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.

There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman."  Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?


Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic.  Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful.  I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class. 

If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance.  While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks.  While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people."  The servants have accepted a lower station in life.

They are not equals.  The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood.  The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better.  While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do.  Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.

I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that.  If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness.  If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal. 

When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior.  Others will greatly dislike this idea. 

Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant:  slave.  Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery.  While accurate  historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases. 

I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented.  In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person.  Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none. 

Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s.  As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals.  If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.

Control Dynamics

Over the years my experiences and desires have grown stronger and one of the important aspects of D/s that spins around my head on a consistent basis is the concept of control dynamics.

In the most general sense, control dynamics are rules and ideas that govern a D/s relationship that emphasize the power and control that the Domme holds over her sub. You will find some degree of control dynamics involved in pretty much every D/s relationship. Some dynamics are far more common than others, e.g. orgasm control is one of the basic topics covered in a good number of "how to" guides and frequently exists in some form from the beginning of the relationship or at the start of D/s within an existing relationship. I have found that the strictness of the dynamics frequently reflects the sadistic desires of the Domme.

In most cases, the rules involved are somewhat optional and do not have a tremendous impact upon the success and failure of the relationship. They aren't of the same kind of importance as trust, honesty, and loyalty where a slip up will have devastating effects on the relationship. Control dynamics are put in place... to increase control. This is often unnecessary, but it can have a significant impact upon the sub's mental state.

An individual has free will and may choose their own behavior. There are some ideals for submissive behavior: Be respectful. Be polite. Be courteous. Be attentive. Etc. In the absence of rules the sub has the freedom to choose to behave this way or not (although most subs that are worth a damn would choose to). To exert control a dominant may choose to create rules that remove this freedom. Always address her by her proper title. Kneel and bow when greeting her. Do not turn your back to her. As each rule falls into place, the sub's free will is replaced by a set of necessary actions with consequences. These may be completely unnecessary to a well-mannered sub, but it does a lot to shape the sub's mental state.

The greater the number of rules, the less freedom the sub has to act with, the greater the chance of punishable failure, and an increased level of mental duress experienced by the sub. This may be appealing to some and unappealing to others. I am of the sort where I feel that control dynamics bring out my best self. The greater the challenge, the more I rise to overcome it. The greater the challenge, the more I am able to prove my worth and devotion.

That being said, I can understand where one or more of the involved parties prefer to avoid extensive use of control dynamics. Rules are a lot of work. While the sub may find themselves being pulled from their comfort zone, there is a greater burden that falls upon the Domme. Not only are they responsible for forming the rules (and revising them over time), it is also their responsibility to monitor the sub’s behavior for compliance and punish infractions. Another potential hangup is the idea that subs should want to do it on their own without the need to have rules pertaining to it.

I know in my own world, I do want to make the Domme I serve happy. I want to do the things that please her. I want to be everything she wants me to be. I want to be perfect for her. At the same time, my submissive side craves to feel utterly controlled. I want there to be no illusion of freedom. If I choose “no,” I want this to lead to pain and the eventual “yes.” My first two D/s relationships were of this sort. As time passed, the control dynamics continued to build until it felt like my entire existence was focused upon obedience for her benefit. It felt rather nice, indeed. Their creativity would run wild, coming up with new and intricate ways to enhance their control and enslave me even more deeply. This made me feel deeply loved, especially when I had no say in the matter and I could see how they were further twisting me to their will.

Overall, I just felt like writing about this since it is so easy to get hung up on specific acts, rules, or the like. I find the concept of control in general to be so fascinating and arousing. I probably could have listed examples, but maybe sometime in the future.

Reflection

Over time I've grown comfortable with a handful of ideas about myself and my place in this world.  These feelings often get shunned by those who are big on the "self help" circuit and go against many of the principles of emotional health.  I've tried to stop caring about perceptions for the most part, but alas it is unavoidable to have some hurt if I find myself feeling attacked (even if I wish this were not true). 

It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true.  If only being rational would chase away the demons.  My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them.  As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.

These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from.  Instead I embrace them and compensate for them.  This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply.  These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.

-I have no inherent worth as a person.  My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them.  These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth.  I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self.  My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.

-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly.  It feels reasonable, justified, and natural.  Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service.  My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve.  I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.

-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve.  I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time.  Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention.  I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs. 

-I love the one that I serve with all of my being.  She provides me with purpose and worth.  She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings.  She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me.  I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires. 

-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention.  This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.

This is the way that the world makes sense to me.  This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check.  This is the existence where I feel best about myself.  This is the existence that I desire.

Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable.  It's interesting how polarizing it is.  "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion."  Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly.  In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core. 

At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change.  It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath.  Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.

Time

The cobwebs are starting to clear a bit from my head as this cycle fades.  I really miss D/s.

The first time the thought "I wish I was dead" passed through my brain I was 4 years old.  I made my first serious suicide attempt when I was 13.  I tried 3 more times by age 16 before giving up and just tossing away caution figuring an accidental recreational death with drugs and/or alcohol would be good enough.  At that time I didn't think I would live to see 18.  When I turned 18 I felt lost.  I gave up on the partying life but I still didn't think I would live to see 21.  When I turned 21 I didn't know what to do.  I had another birthday recently and I realized that I still don't know what to do.

The demons still haunt me.

I've had my life fall apart too many times.  I've had to restart too many times.  I'm still here.  I'm still me.

I've never felt that a life by myself was worth living.  My solution was to live for someone else.  When it works, it's glorious.  When it fails, it's dreadful.

Day by day.  Always day by day.  I keep on going. 

Avoid the Spam

On the off chance you found your reader spammed today by an author known as books info and want to get rid of the spam, the followed blog in question that is now routing to that RSS feed was "Starting a Femdom Marriage."  I have since removed that from my followed blogs links.

As things are

Over the past few weeks I have deleted at least a dozen posts rather than publishing them.  I can feel my mind spiraling into negative space and the effects are finally indisputable as I can definitely say that my depression is flaring up.

During these times it seems that certain triggers put me into a nihilistic sort of mindset and an accompanying "fuck people, the world is fucked" line of thinking.  I've gone into work-a-holic mode and in my downtime I'm choosing activities that completely occupy my brain so that I don't have to think.

Coping.  Getting by.  Existing.  It's frustrating on so many levels.  Something that people close to me often misunderstand is that I don't need space, distance, or to be coddled.  I need people to lean on me... depend on me... I need people to need me or I can't feel useful.  I can always rise from the muck for someone else.  Always.  I will not let depression keep me from being the caliber of friend or lover that I want to be.

Honestly, I don't even know if this is a strength or a weakness anymore.  Should I feel proud or pathetic?  I know this is how D/s suits me as my anti-depressant.  Consistent and even over-bearing amounts of expectations help me to rise up and stay out of the garbage that is floating around my brain.  I always rise up for someone else.

This is the time that submissive mental space would benefit me the most and again I find myself blocked from it.  I'm not horny.  I have no sex drive dragging me along.  Masturbation becomes a form of maintenance that I employ when my lower back muscles start to get painfully tight and/or I find myself in a high-strung state of neurosis.  That in itself is frustrating.

I can't help but notice that this state is repeating the cycle of last year.  Over the past few years I have tried to live in a way where I do not desire anything that I cannot or should not have.  I stopped buying anything and started living in a very minimal and frugal state (for the most part).  I have a birthday coming up soon and like last year, I find myself having to want things in order to give family members gift ideas and the like.  The best version of myself is not the one that wants things for me.  If the cycle follows the same course as least year, I should be back to normal in about a month.  It's frustrating knowing what will happen but having no means to accelerate the timeline.

Such is life.

Friday stuff. Yeah, good title.

Some comments showed up today on Lady Grey's blog that kind of set me off a little bit.  I read them and just thought "wow, this person is full of shit and doesn't get it."  A lot of the words actually played into part of the clashes that my last entry talked about.  When I actually dissected their jumbled mess of grammatical errors and disorganized thoughts, the problem became abundantly clear.

I have since decided not to reply to them as I would prefer not to dive into the mud with such an individual. 

It seems that in the past few years the amount of binary thinking has increased, so much to the point where it has become the standard.  Right/wrong.  Yes/no.  With us/against us.  You see it in politics all the time.  I've been in BDSM long enough to no longer be naive about believing people involved in it to be open-minded.  However, binary thinking is terrifying. 

Extremes.  This goes against the bell-curve.  Most people fall towards the CENTER, not to the extreme ends.  Viewing through extremes tends to falsely pull people in directions because they feel they have to pick a side.

Easy answers.  Since when do difficult and complicated questions have easy answers?  True/False answers don't work all that well for Essay Questions.  It also gives people a false sense of knowledge when they can simply memorize the "correct responses" without giving it a modicum of thought.  The end result is that you find a slew of people who rattle off cliches that will flat out contradict one another. 

False moral superiority.  Is it wrong to steal?  Yes.  Is it wrong to steal food from someone who has excess in order to feed a child that is starving to death?  If you can blurt out a yes/no answer to this question without asking a dozen other questions to gain understanding of the situation, then I wish I was you.  When things are difficult and complicated you SHOULD agonize over any answer other than "I don't know."  "In some cases yes, in other cases no," is frequently the most correct answer to any question, and that is anything but binary.  Life is easier to have an answer for everything and have that answer be as simply as possible.  Those who have that easy answer generally look down upon those who have... a different answer. 

While there are thousands of dangers I could list of this type of thinking but I don't plan to cover them all.  I will talk about one more that is something that I have been baited into several times.

When I read a statement that only considers one of the two options and wish to contest it, the natural response is to provide evidence where the opposite is true.  This in turn makes the cases involved look like they are in fact debating the binary options. 

My last post most likely painted my attitude towards service to be one that I only want when feeling submissive.  That is not the case at all but such is the dangers of confronting the topic of "submissive all the time." 

Here is a better illustration of how I would look at my own view on submissive mental space and service.

-As my vanilla self, I rationally know that I want to serve and be pleasing to my Domme all the time.  There are days where this flows naturally with my mood.  There are days where I'm not feeling as well and the rational understanding is there but the feelings are half-hearted.  There are days when I'm not feeling well at all and serving is something I really would rather not do right now, but I still will, probably with reluctance.  There may be days occasional days where I feel so wrecked that I don't want to serve and may resist.  Basically, I have the normal gambit of feeling good, ok, meh, and terrible, with plenty of variations in between. 

-As my submissive self, I rationally know that I want to serve and be pleasing to my Domme all the time.  I serve happily with plenty of self-motivation to perform my role.  Injecting some fear into the mix will shift that to serving frantically and desperately, with external motivation in spades.

By confronting this idea it often requires establishing a firm stance in the opposite.  That isn't an ideal way of dealing with it either.  There are endless variations and in-betweens. 

Why I am on this topic has to do with reading some statements about how subs are conditioned and then it is not consensual, and things are either "this way" or loving.  The person of course had to ensure that we know they are in an FLR.  Like seriously?  It's like throwing that banner up tends to signify "douche bag," and it is why I have come to loathe the term so much.

The first aspect is the notion of something being consensual OR conditioned.  Can't it be both?  Can one not consent to be conditioned?  Once conditioned, is that no longer them?

The other aspect is the notion that something is either cruel OR loving.  Can't it be both?  If both parties enjoy cruel, doesn't that make cruelty a way of showing love?

I don't know, I guess I'm just severely tired of this game and I can't see any way that it benefits the world at large or most individuals. 

Late Night Thoughts on submission

(I wrote this late last night but my internet went down)

To be honest, I'm not sure how much longer I will be blogging for.  The vibe isn't there anymore.  I love to read, write, and discuss ideas, but I don't feel like my ideas are applicable or representative anymore in today's environment.

As those who have been long-time readers know, I draw a lot of inspiration from outside sources.  Reading other blogs.  Discussion groups and forums.  Random things.  Comments.  Emails.  I've honestly been spending more time reading on Wordpress than on Blogger lately as it's just more active.  I've also been reading a lot more F/m blogs and interacting with dominants and submissives of both genders in the past couple of months.

There are a number of recurring views that keep surfacing and they continue to throw me for a loop.  Mostly because they feel very incomplete... or inaccurate... or both... or like a hybrid mish-mash of ideas out there.  When it comes to Femdom there have always sort of been two roads to travel.  The more common one when I was getting started was the consensual BDSM route and that path had the potential to evolve into 24/7 lifestyle D/s, TPE, and the like in its most extreme forms.  The other path was what I see as the predecessor to the "current" use of the term FLR, namely from authors such as Elise Sutton, Georgeann Cross, Lady Misato, and the like (back when I first discovered this side of things the term FLR wasn't yet in use).  For ease, I will refer to them as the BDSM path and the FLR path.

These schools of thought are quite different on a fundamental level.  The BDSM path was focused on consent, informed decision-making, mutual pleasure, compatible fits, respecting negotiated limits, and the like.  While things could and frequently would evolve into a much more intense state of D/s, this was known to be in the minority of Femdom relationships.

The FLR path was originally targeted at vanilla women.  It frequently talked about using sexual control and manipulation techniques to "enslave" a male, correct and modify his behavior, "train" him to perform chores and service, and so on, without him even knowing it.  Find out his secret desires and exploit them.  Make him addicted to her and she can continuously dangle the carrot and steer him however she pleases.  Do this long enough and he may be reduced to a life of servitude.

If you go back 10+ years, the BDSM crowd found this approach rather appalling.  However, there has always been a shortage of available Dommes to single subs and the FLR approach was a much much much easier "sell" to a vanilla partner.  If you have a vivid imagination you can probably picture Billy Mays shouting on an infomercial "Take control!  He'll mow the lawn!  He'll do the laundry!  He'll pee sitting down!  With just three easy steps you'll have him wrapped around your little finger and going down on you for hours on end!"

In a lot of ways this solved the confidence problem.  It removed the notion of "I have to be a leather-clad dominatrix" and replaced it with "I do what I want."  I don't see anything wrong with this.  I think in a lot of ways that is how Femdom should be.   It's really weird though because it feels like the worlds have merged but not in a clean way.  The BDSM-path was always very big upon responsibility, looking out for a sub's well-being, and the like.  There was an understanding of the sub's cycles, when aftercare was necessary, and their conflicting emotional states that would regularly arise. What I am gathering now is a trend in thinking of "a sub shouldn't need that."  That turns my world upside down.

I would probably be able to groove with it more easily if not for the fact that most Femdom blogs I read that allude to this tend to be unhappy.  In the not unhappy cases, when I read them I can picture Billy Mays shouting the words at me.   All in all I tend to struggle to differentiate between "a sub shouldn't need that" and "I don't want to have to do that."

This leads me to the second half.  Interacting with a number of subs lately I am finding a striking number of subs that claim to be submissive all the time.  I'm like, wow, really?  Back in the day they used to call those people doormats.  It doesn't take long to realize after hearing them complain and talk about the things that they hate, all the limits that they have, how inflexible they are on certain things, and so on, that they aren't submissive all the time, they have just convinced themselves of that.  Cue Billy Mays.  I even find this happening a lot from brand new subs that discovered the lifestyle two weeks ago.  "I don't need to learn anything because I love to please."  Problem solved, guaranteed success.  Yes, I'm vomiting sarcasm right now as I try to picture someone actually being submissive all the time.  There are people that are neat freaks, those that like to stay busy, those that like to be helpful, useful, pleasing, and so on, but I don't equate those qualities as being submissive.  To me, submissive means that you submit to the will of another.  That is, you disempower yourself and allow someone else to hold power over you.

I am an opinionated son of a bitch.  I rant and rave.  I am passionate about a hell of a lot of things.  I fight for what I believe in.  I make sure to learn enough about something before trying to argue for (or against) it. I am fine stating it outright, I am not submissive all the time.  I do not submit to just anyone.  I believe my submission has value.  When I submit I offer all of myself.  I only submit to someone that is special and dear to my heart, that I trust, respect, and love deeply.

The twist comes in that this creates a dual persona.  I have the version of myself that I show to the world, lean on in times of crisis, use for problem solving, and dealing with humanity in general.  Then there is my submissive side: romantic, passionate, vulnerable, sensitive, devoted, and sincere.  I guard this side of myself from the world.  I show it only to someone that is very special to me.

The problem with duality is that it is one or the other.  I am my alpha self OR I am my submissive self.  While my alpha self may still exert politeness, courtesy, and manners, there is a distinct difference between choosing to do something and NEEDING to do something.  To feel submissive is a need of mine.  If it wasn't a need I would have abandoned it long ago because life is a lot more difficult this way.  I consider my submissive side to be the best parts of me.  While my alpha side may reluctantly go along with something, my submissive side is excited and eager to do the same thing.

It is a binary switch that is set to either alpha or sub.

For years I felt this was the common way about most male subs.  We have one face we show in public and the submissive face we save for behind closed doors.  One of the major flaws of this design is that the sub can't always control where the switch is set.  While it's possible to pop into alpha mode as needed, it isn't always as easy to switch back into sub mode.  Thankfully, dominance tends to work quite well for flipping the switch to sub mode.   I always sort of felt that most people saw things this way.

I don't know.  If not for a handful of people that have continued to dialog with me on these views I would probably feel like a stranger in a strange land.

Wanna buy some Mighty Putty?

It made sense upon reflection

A handful of discussions over the past couple of weeks as well as a blog post that got me thinking about my submission and how I have come to understand and explain it over the years. 

Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself.  There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can't help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.

Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul.  The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone. 

On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical.  Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren't poetic or romantic, but functional. 

I do _______ because I need to feel ________.  I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up. 

It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange.... less different... less awkward.  Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons?  If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?

I don't really know why I'm thinking about this.  It isn't something that I ever really questioned before.  A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: "You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn't make sense."

At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn't help returning to those words when answering the simple question, "why do you submit?"

All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my "vanilla mind" with my choice to live as a submissive... but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy. 

As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis... and that is that the love/happiness angle aren't good enough reasons for most people to accept.  Do I really need to justify myself to others?  No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.

Experimenting with Hypnosis

I've never been the type that has been able to be hypnotized.  That being said I'm sick of my brain feeling blocked and I have a friend currently delving into hypnosis so they have whipped up some audio training to try and help me out.

The idea we are going for is to instill a trigger word that will put me into and/or keep me in submissive mental space.  The chosen word is one that already plays upon some emotional triggers.

I'm hoping this might help, but it's tough to tell if there are actually things happening or if it is mostly wishful thinking and a healthy dose of placebo effect. 

In any case, it feels better trying to do something about my mental state than not doing anything.

I love you so much that I ______.

I know that not all D/s practitioners are in loving relationships but many of us are.  I believe that submission encapsulates a large number of things, some of which match our desires completely and others which may carry a series of conditions or some reluctance and hesitation.

I have come across and experienced varying points of view on these subjects from both the Dominant and submissive sides and these ideas mesh better in some instances than in others.

The willing is always the easiest. 
I love you so much that I will dedicate my existence to your happiness.
I love you so much that I will do everything in my power to please you.
I love you so much that I will ______ to ______.

A lot of basic compatibility resides on this level.  Ideally, the submissive wants to give the things that the dominant wants to receive. 

The conditionals get a bit more complicated.
I love you so much that I would be willing to ______ to ______.

This wording has the ability to change the perceptions of the promised or desired act.  For a submissive, this wording generally implies some proof of devotion, love, or sacrifice. 
I love you so much that I would be willing to be put in chastity to make you happy.  
This translates into: I do not want to be put into chastity, but I would make that sacrifice if you desire it.  To take something less fetish-related: I love you so much that I would be willing to give up poker night with the guys to stay by your side.


I have seen some rather polarizing reactions from dominants on this sort of statement.  Well, I have seen polarizing reactions in vanilla relationships as well. 
Positive: This is a romantic gesture.
Negative: You don't really want to do it, so this is impure.

(Not to stereotype but many of you may have witnessed this first hand when someone asks their boyfriend/husband if they want to go to the craft store for scrap-booking supplies.)

It seems that many of the conditionals that end up with differing responses are often on mild to medium topics and are often a reflection of personality rather than something greater.

When getting into more important conditionals people tend to be a lot better with accepting reluctance or hesitation.
I love you so much that I would be willing to give up financial control if _______.
Requiring trust, a committed long-term relationship, a history of sound decision-making for the good of the relationship, and so on is seen as wise and prudent. 
 
Just some random thoughts.

Sardax's Venus in Furs

A big thanks to Vanessa at Queening Chairs for reminding me that I still hadn't purchased Sardax's Venus in Furs book.  Sardax is my favorite fetish artist of all time and served as one of my gateways into the realm of Femdom when I first stumbled upon his artwork circa 1997.  While his pay site is no longer going, I can say that his site was one of the handful of times that I had ever paid for "adult content" and I have even gone so far as to purchase most of the available works featuring his art (including ordering a number of publications from the UK).  When the book was released I was in a tight situation financially and buying anything beyond what was necessary (food, gasoline) wasn't really an option.

Unfortunately, if I want a hardcover edition of Venus in Furs, it looks like I will have to order from the UK once again.  In the meantime, I did purchase the Kindle Edition for $4. This version features ~10 amazingly beautiful drawings to go along with a new translation of the novel.  The hardcover version includes an additional 20 drawings and I may have to find a way to get it just for those.

I only read the first bit of the translation so far but I may post a review of it at some time down the line.  I will be curious to see how this translation compares during my favorite scenes from my previous experiences reading different translations.

The Need for Mental Spaces

It has taken quite a while but I'm finally starting to crack the fundamental differences in point of view that has caused me quite a few communication difficulties over the years.

The main difficulty seems to be with the view of submission. 

It is very common for me to read the view that submission should be "freely given."  This is often accompanied by views that service should be happy and willing.  It is also frequently accompanied by views that service that is goaded in any way is less true or pure. 

I get this on some levels.  I believe freely given represents consent.  No one is forcing you to submit.  If you aren't ready, willing, and able to serve, being a submissive isn't really the life for you. 

What doesn't sit so well with me is that submissive mental space (subspace), isn't really considered.

The common stance is that most Dommes do not want a doormat.  They want an intelligent and charismatic sub with a good personality, sense of humor, and able to function autonomously.  This sub should have opinions, thoughts, preferences, and desires. 

The problem I find is the lack of value given to subspace.  If a person is willing to defer at any time and bury their thoughts and opinions... doesn't that make them a doormat?

The way I look at it is that submissives have two sides to their personalities:
1. Their vanilla self.
2. Their submissive self.

Their vanilla self is who they are at work, in public, in the presence of strangers or outsiders, and the like.  This is where the sub's standard personality shines through.  Are they funny and charming?  Are they interesting and intelligent?  Are they thoughtful and polite?  Are they competent and responsible?

Honestly, to be seen as a decent life partner you generally have to be all of those things and more.  How this works in a D/s dynamic is due to their submissive self that exists separate from their vanilla self.  This divide is how highly motivated and successful people in the vanilla world end up being submissive behind closed doors.  They shift gears.  They shift states.  They enter subspace.  In subspace they have a completely different submissive persona that frequently is completely different from their vanilla self.  Their subspace is generally linked to their sexuality and it becomes a need.

This is where the hangups often occur when I have written about it in the past.  Some people are able to enter subspace easily.  Others require a trigger.  There is a misconception that a Domme has to act angry, shouting and cracking a whip for this to occur.  This isn't so much the case.  Often it can be a gesture, a ritual, a rule, or a singular act (e.g. kneeling and kissing her hand) that will trigger the switch within the person and shift them from their vanilla self to their submissive self. 

Does this mean they are being goaded?  Does this make their submission less pure?  I don't think so.  Just because someone currently does not feel submissive doesn't mean that they do not wish to make their Domme happy.  But there is a difference.  Willing is one thing.  Excited is another.  If their vanilla self is willing but triggering the switch will lead to them being excited to serve, is that a bad thing?

I know that in my day to day I end up often stressed, overworked, and underappreciated for much of the day.  As much as I would like to, I still carry some of that baggage home with me from work.  I feel like shit when I can't be the sub that I want to be.  I want that trigger to happen to bring me into a better mental space.  I realize that I get defensive on this topic because it triggers my insecurity about feeling lesser.  Because of that I have trouble separating if my logic on this subject is true or more defensive.  I don't know.  Overall this is just how I see it.

Individual Fantasies

Recently a couple of blogs I follow have made requests for readers to share their sexual fantasies in an effort to give some inspiration for ideas.  I have found that at some point I stopped having sexual fantasies. That's not to say that I don't fantasize, but I no longer really have singular specific acts that I desire or wish to experience.  I fantasize about life.  A lifestyle.

For a while now I have come to believe that I only really respond sexually to subspace (submissive mental space).  It is what I crave, what I yearn for, and what turns me on.  I fantasize about a life that is capable of pushing me into subspace and has dynamics in place to keep me there.  I fantasize about a life that may shift the depth of the subspace that I am in, but I never truly leave it.

Such a life doesn't have any singular act that becomes the focus of my fantasy.  This life is a system of interwoven acts, expectations, and rules.  It is an interactive creature of actions and reactions where both parties perform their part to keep it pleasurable and sustainable.

I do not think it is valuable to analyze one party within a vacuum.  There is a continuous interplay of cause and effect and both parties are involved in performing actions and having reactions.  We feed off of one another.  The Domme feeds her Domspace from the actions of the sub.  The sub feeds his subspace from the actions of the Domme. 

I don't know if I should feel odd in feeling this way.  I am starting to feel that I view things differently from most people.

Marginalized

The past couple of weeks I've been feeling, for lack of a better description, "dead inside."  A series of events unfolded on the home front that once again have made my existence feel marginalized and taken for granted.  This has been a recurring theme throughout the course of our relationship and first started happening at about the 5 month mark, almost 11 years ago.  I'm not going to delve into the reasons that I have stayed as I have written about those more than I care to.  And yes, I have communicated my feelings on this topic, which is the only reason that I have something "interesting enough" to write about today.

If I had to put forth a set of dynamics that would exist within my personal ideal fantasy life, a good number of them center around the idea of marginalizing my existence and provided services.  The idea of using "please" and "thank you" actually detract from this and I would prefer them to remain absent.  The idea of being told "good boy" or "good job" does the same.

If I exist to please her, then there are no singular acts that are praise-worthy or deserving of acknowledgment.  The reward is that I justify my existence (and/or avoid consequences).
If I exist to please her and she accepts me, then in the role as her submissive my duty is to please her.  She expects me to please her.  I carry on under these expectations and if I meet them, I am simply performing my promised duty.  Politeness and manners do not apply because we are not equals.  She is my superior.  I am her tool that performs tasks to meet her expectations.

However, there is one important factor that comes into play: appreciation on a macro level.  She appreciates that I exist.  She appreciates that I am hers.  She appreciates that I love and adore her.  That is something that must never be lost or forgotten.

Unfortunately many people in this modern technological era tend to take a lot of things for granted.  In some cases they don't appreciate them until they are gone.  In other cases they act like they are entitled to them.  This is true about nearly any and every modern convenience I can think of.  Indoor plumbing.  Internet.  Cars.  Air conditioners.  Etc.  Just about any device that exists to make your life easier or provide you with entertainment/convenience is prone to being under-appreciated until it is gone.

Back when we were still actively practicing D/s this topic was a problem.  She would lose sight of my value within the relationship and marginalize me in a bad way.  She would focus upon every way that she found me lacking without ever weighing in on the ways she found me adequate or even pleasing.   This wrecks me.  Badly.  I need to feel like someone would miss me if I was gone. 

I appreciate having hot water before the hot water heater breaks down. 

My sense of self-worth was decimated when I was a child.  I feel the need to earn my worth.  I need it to matter.  I need to matter.  Once again I find myself aching because of how easy it is to brush my existence to the wayside.  It hurts.