I’ve met a lot of people recently that just love to be plugged. I
find this oddly curious as it is something I hate. To the best of my
knowledge, I have known there was a small percentage of women who love
anal, a large percentage of women who hate anal, and I had always
guessed, another percentage of women who claim to hate anal but secretly
actually love it.
The majority that love plugs or being taken anally tend to reference
that they enjoy it because it’s humiliating. This says to me that they
have come to terms with desiring something because of how it makes them
feel. I still get hung up on things like these… especially when it
comes to the bum.
I’m not sure where the mental hurdle or the PTSD reactions come from
within me. I haven’t been raped or molested in that way. I’m not
homophobic. I actually think that pegging can be beautifully intimate…
for other people. I have to wonder if this stems back to when I was
first taught that I was allowed to have limits. Everything was spinning
around in my brain at blinding speeds that when it came to the topic of
anal and I felt my sphincter pucker, I instinctively said, “oh, hell
no,” and jotted it down on my list of hard limits.
To those who dislike any form of anal play but managed to desire it
openly because of what it does to their submissive mental space, I
salute you. You are a braver and more evolved person than I am.
Friday, November 3, 2017
Thoughts on Weakness
So often I find that people try to hide their weaknesses. They mask
them. They ignore them. They don’t want anyone to see them. I’ve
never really been a fan of this… because most of the time, everyone can
still see them anyways.
I see my weaknesses every time I look at myself. I see every flaw, bad habit, negative tendency, and struggle. I try to fix what I can fix. What I can’t fix I try to compensate for… or over-compensate for in order to make it less detrimental.
So often people cater to their strengths and avoid dealing with their weaknesses at all costs. Does this ever make us stronger? With enough work, we can turn weaknesses into strengths. Well, not always, but we can usually turn weaknesses into sources of strength.
Thoughts like these make me worry about healing. If I felt good about myself, would I still be able to find the endless motivation to continue my never-ending quest for improvement? If I ever felt, “good enough,” would this in fact actually be good enough? Or would I be setting myself up for another string of failures? These questions scare me enough to wonder if healing is every the right choice for me.
I’ve felt invisible for so long. Hidden from the world. Camouflaged in with the masses. Sometimes I can even pass as normal. Deep down, I want (some) people to see me… all of me… all of my fucked up broken-ness and accept me. The thought of this is both terrifying and peaceful. The more that it happens, the more addicted to it I become. Will I ever feel safe needing this? I don’t know.
I see my weaknesses every time I look at myself. I see every flaw, bad habit, negative tendency, and struggle. I try to fix what I can fix. What I can’t fix I try to compensate for… or over-compensate for in order to make it less detrimental.
So often people cater to their strengths and avoid dealing with their weaknesses at all costs. Does this ever make us stronger? With enough work, we can turn weaknesses into strengths. Well, not always, but we can usually turn weaknesses into sources of strength.
Thoughts like these make me worry about healing. If I felt good about myself, would I still be able to find the endless motivation to continue my never-ending quest for improvement? If I ever felt, “good enough,” would this in fact actually be good enough? Or would I be setting myself up for another string of failures? These questions scare me enough to wonder if healing is every the right choice for me.
I’ve felt invisible for so long. Hidden from the world. Camouflaged in with the masses. Sometimes I can even pass as normal. Deep down, I want (some) people to see me… all of me… all of my fucked up broken-ness and accept me. The thought of this is both terrifying and peaceful. The more that it happens, the more addicted to it I become. Will I ever feel safe needing this? I don’t know.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Thoughts about Poly
A good friend of mine recently asked me for my serious thoughts on
poly. I’d thought about it a bit in the past, once as a possibility
when I started to give up hope of finding a Domme, and the rest has
mostly been in the fantasy realm. I do find it interesting to think
about though, so here are my thoughts spinning upon them.
I’m really not all that fond of an F/m/m situation. I wouldn’t be 100% against it though. My criteria for this though would be that I would still have to be the #1 sub, and I would prefer it if there was limited sexual contact between the Domme and #2. I could see myself accepting this if #2 were to positively contribute to our lives. Someone to help with bills, putting food on the table, and the like wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on all the crappiest chores that I hate doing wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on the certain types of play that I really do not like wouldn’t be all bad. I would probably have to be friends with this person first. I’m not sure how viable this is. That being said, I would not be 100% opposed to this, it just doesn’t really “do it” for me aside from a functional standpoint.
F/f/m is different for me. I have thought about this quite a lot and there was even a time when T and I put up an ad seeking a woman to be our 3rd. From a fantasy standpoint, I can only picture myself as being the lower ranking sub. That is, while we would both be subs, she would have the power to give me commands as well. While I’m pretty sure that I would be able to handle this in reality, I’m not sure if the long-run existence would be as desirable as say, us being equal where we both contribute on the service side of things. The “she outranks me” scenario definitely speaks more strongly to my submissive mental space.
The rest of it gets really complicated. Would I want her to respect me? Probably, although it might get really interesting if she didn’t. Would I want us both to be the Domme’s lovers, or would I want her to be favored in this regards? Realistically, I would probably prefer to still feel a strong romantic connection, but I am curious as to what it might feel like to be limited or restricted. e.g. I only get romantic attention if the other sub is not there.
Would I want her to be nice/kind to me? At times, probably, but I’m not sure about all the time. It seems like it might be exciting if she had some evil in her and was a bit jealous. My gut tells me a switch would be a better fit than a full sub.
I could actually see a lifestyle being lived in a way that would be very sexy and fun for all of us. I think it could be sustainable. It would probably take a good while to find the right fit and build enough trust to make it work, but it’s something I would be open to trying. Although, it would be a lot better if she also liked fur.
I’m really not all that fond of an F/m/m situation. I wouldn’t be 100% against it though. My criteria for this though would be that I would still have to be the #1 sub, and I would prefer it if there was limited sexual contact between the Domme and #2. I could see myself accepting this if #2 were to positively contribute to our lives. Someone to help with bills, putting food on the table, and the like wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on all the crappiest chores that I hate doing wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on the certain types of play that I really do not like wouldn’t be all bad. I would probably have to be friends with this person first. I’m not sure how viable this is. That being said, I would not be 100% opposed to this, it just doesn’t really “do it” for me aside from a functional standpoint.
F/f/m is different for me. I have thought about this quite a lot and there was even a time when T and I put up an ad seeking a woman to be our 3rd. From a fantasy standpoint, I can only picture myself as being the lower ranking sub. That is, while we would both be subs, she would have the power to give me commands as well. While I’m pretty sure that I would be able to handle this in reality, I’m not sure if the long-run existence would be as desirable as say, us being equal where we both contribute on the service side of things. The “she outranks me” scenario definitely speaks more strongly to my submissive mental space.
The rest of it gets really complicated. Would I want her to respect me? Probably, although it might get really interesting if she didn’t. Would I want us both to be the Domme’s lovers, or would I want her to be favored in this regards? Realistically, I would probably prefer to still feel a strong romantic connection, but I am curious as to what it might feel like to be limited or restricted. e.g. I only get romantic attention if the other sub is not there.
Would I want her to be nice/kind to me? At times, probably, but I’m not sure about all the time. It seems like it might be exciting if she had some evil in her and was a bit jealous. My gut tells me a switch would be a better fit than a full sub.
I could actually see a lifestyle being lived in a way that would be very sexy and fun for all of us. I think it could be sustainable. It would probably take a good while to find the right fit and build enough trust to make it work, but it’s something I would be open to trying. Although, it would be a lot better if she also liked fur.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Sexism in D/s
Note: Still writing with a fever, but this is a rant post, so…
I don’t expect everyone to like me. Hell, I only expect a fraction of people out there will like me. I am opinionated and can be confrontational. I have a somewhat dry, crass, and perverse sense of humor. I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me, but I also won’t bend over backwards to try to make everyone like me.
In turn, I don’t expect to like everyone. I know that some people will rub me the wrong way. I know that we all come from different walks of life and have different world views. That being said, one of the easiest ways to ensure that you won’t have my respect is to be sexist.
Having recently joined a newer kink community, I have unfortunately encountered someone that while I have barely spoken to them, they have managed to sour me on them as a person so greatly, that I have no intention to speak to them. The crap that comes out of their mouth makes me sorry that human-kind still has to deal with this type of individual.
I have to say that it bums me out when I hear a dominant use sexism to justify their dominance. Men strong, women weak. It is the natural order for women to submit to men. Ignore the fact that I am part of the F/m lifestyle, and I still find this ignorant on offensive on a number of levels. It takes every ounce of my strength to avoid “getting into it” with this person. They don’t mean enough to me to bother. I don’t mind ranting about it here though.
While there are a number of philosophies that people use in their approach to the lifestyle, most would agree that consent ranks pretty highly. Both people want it. Both people agree to it. The concept of a natural order destroys the value of consent. It doesn’t matter if they should want it, this is the natural order of things. It puts an abusive wife-beater in the same position of dominance as a loving, caring, nurturing dominant. It implies there is a natural birth right by being born your gender. If you are a man, you should dominate. If you are a woman, you should submit. It flows along with hereditary rule, “divine right,” caste systems, and every other system that failed throughout history because it put people into power without regard for their capacity or skill to rule. It is the same logic that perpetuated race-based slavery and segregation. If we are inherently unequal, should we still give them the right to vote and own property? If this person can’t see the implications of this belief structure, should they really be talking about it?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone is created equal. I think that both nature and nurture come into play. I think that some people have a greater capacity to be a good dominant than others. Should every male be a dominant? Hell no. Should every female be a dominant? Hell no. Something so basic that says nothing about strength of character and responsibility should not be the deciding factor.
Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission. Being a good submissive is not easy. It is not for the weak. It is not something that should be taken for granted. Being a good submissive is a lot of work. It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage. You aren’t just “born that way.”
I don’t even see this as a conversation topic. I mean, shit, it’s 2017 right? Not 1817.
If someone wants to believe in this, I respect their right to have that opinion. I just don’t want them to say it around me or I have the right to think they are a douche bag.
I don’t expect everyone to like me. Hell, I only expect a fraction of people out there will like me. I am opinionated and can be confrontational. I have a somewhat dry, crass, and perverse sense of humor. I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me, but I also won’t bend over backwards to try to make everyone like me.
In turn, I don’t expect to like everyone. I know that some people will rub me the wrong way. I know that we all come from different walks of life and have different world views. That being said, one of the easiest ways to ensure that you won’t have my respect is to be sexist.
Having recently joined a newer kink community, I have unfortunately encountered someone that while I have barely spoken to them, they have managed to sour me on them as a person so greatly, that I have no intention to speak to them. The crap that comes out of their mouth makes me sorry that human-kind still has to deal with this type of individual.
I have to say that it bums me out when I hear a dominant use sexism to justify their dominance. Men strong, women weak. It is the natural order for women to submit to men. Ignore the fact that I am part of the F/m lifestyle, and I still find this ignorant on offensive on a number of levels. It takes every ounce of my strength to avoid “getting into it” with this person. They don’t mean enough to me to bother. I don’t mind ranting about it here though.
While there are a number of philosophies that people use in their approach to the lifestyle, most would agree that consent ranks pretty highly. Both people want it. Both people agree to it. The concept of a natural order destroys the value of consent. It doesn’t matter if they should want it, this is the natural order of things. It puts an abusive wife-beater in the same position of dominance as a loving, caring, nurturing dominant. It implies there is a natural birth right by being born your gender. If you are a man, you should dominate. If you are a woman, you should submit. It flows along with hereditary rule, “divine right,” caste systems, and every other system that failed throughout history because it put people into power without regard for their capacity or skill to rule. It is the same logic that perpetuated race-based slavery and segregation. If we are inherently unequal, should we still give them the right to vote and own property? If this person can’t see the implications of this belief structure, should they really be talking about it?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone is created equal. I think that both nature and nurture come into play. I think that some people have a greater capacity to be a good dominant than others. Should every male be a dominant? Hell no. Should every female be a dominant? Hell no. Something so basic that says nothing about strength of character and responsibility should not be the deciding factor.
Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission. Being a good submissive is not easy. It is not for the weak. It is not something that should be taken for granted. Being a good submissive is a lot of work. It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage. You aren’t just “born that way.”
I don’t even see this as a conversation topic. I mean, shit, it’s 2017 right? Not 1817.
If someone wants to believe in this, I respect their right to have that opinion. I just don’t want them to say it around me or I have the right to think they are a douche bag.
I am not immune…
I sit now and ache… knowing that I am a few hours away from being able to find myself. I wish that knowledge made me more patient, but it just makes me want it even more.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Service-Oriented Submissive Mental Space – The Other Side
Note: I am still writing with a fever. I am hoping to remain coherent.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
Creating your own service-oriented submissive mental space
NOTE: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
- Are you naked? Wearing a uniform? Wearing clothes that please your dominant? Choose the one that makes you feel most submissive.
- How about add-ons? Collar? Cuffs? Anal plug? Nipple clamps? Humbler? Dungeon shackles? Gag?
- Is it meant to be practical, a display of your status, or feel like punishment? Does your answer imply anything else? Would they tether your wrists to your collar? Lock your ankles together or separate them with a spreader bar? Would you be tethered to a wall-ring, creating some “hard to reach” areas?
- This is your fantasy, feel free to go wild and come up with anything else you think would help.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
- Is it your dominant? A stranger? Someone else? Is it more than one? Does their official role give them power over you? e.g. prison guard, slave-master, overseer/supervisor, etc.
- Are you left to scrub by yourself in silence? Is there someone towering over you critiquing your every move with crop in hand? Is there someone who checks in on you ever so often to make sure you stay on task?
- Are they harsh? Are they kind? Do they bully you? Are they fair? Are they cold? Are they warm? Are they wicked? Force you to perform sexual acts?
- When you are done and they inspect your work, how do they act? Proud of a job well done? Overly critical and demanding perfection? Do they force you to assume a posture while they inspect it? If there are any mistakes do you have to redo it all? Fix the spot you missed?
- Will you be punished? Will you be rewarded? Will there be a reminder of “your place”? Will it reflect the quality of your work?
- Will there be sex? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
- Will there be play? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
When we say, “slow down,” this is what we mean
Note: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
Thoughts on Conformity
Originally written 10/27/17
I was reading Leda in Hand yesterday and I was able to get an outlook on the different expectations of conformity in the D/s scene. In a lot of ways the expectations of conformity differ greatly based upon your role and gender. It made me think about conversations I have had in the past where people had mentioned that they felt envious or felt like they were shunned or scolded for not immediately adopting a given mentality. I also asked a few others last night about this topic and got similar responses. These experiences differ a lot from my own and I find that quite interesting. I also thought a lot about how I fit (or don’t fit) into those ideas in how I present many of the topics I write about in my posts. I don’t really have a direction in this post, I’m just sort of dumping my thoughts out on paper.
I think when we look at conformity in general there are a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are good, others, not so good. On the good side, there are a number of law and social mores that are in place to protect us. While some could argue a lot of these are designed to preserve social order, which is true, I think a lot of us are glad that they are in place to protect us as individuals. Don’t kill. Don’t steal. Don’t hurt people. In my opinion, these are some pretty good ideas and I think we feel better and safer the more that people conform to those. I know in high school, the kids that always preached anarchy probably wouldn’t have lasted more than 48 hours in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by motorcycle gangs battling for petrol.
Conformity as a means of control gets trickier. Squashing the expression of individuality is effective, but in today’s day and age, it gets heavily frowned upon. There’s a fine line between protecting us as individuals and limiting our ability to be individuals. History doesn’t think very highly of regimes that regularly crossed that line and it seems that many in power fail to recognize that these mistakes often lead to the oppressed toppling that power.
Conformity as a means of validation is probably my least favorite (read as: most despised) of these. This is the herd. This is peer pressure. This is shaming. This is hazing as a right of passage. You need to conform so that I can feel good about my choices and station. That’s weak-ass nonsense. We all seek validation, but I would rather my validation come through logic, rational thought, and a belief that what I am doing is right. History also doesn’t think very highly of mobs that do things “because everyone else was doing it.” In its worst form, the herd makes the individual fear exclusion and they conform reluctantly. The problem about adopting a belief structure in this way is that it becomes lip service. Whatever meaning it originally had is now lost. People lose understanding of why it was done in the first place. They become a system of non-thinkers who can only recite the words they are expected to say. Don’t think, just do. I don’t blame people for wanting to fit in. I blame the system for making them feel like they HAVE to fit in or they are screwed up. I blame the individuals that choose to perpetuate it from inside the herd.
So, how does this all apply to D/s?
You will encounter a huge number of people who give advice, both directly and indirectly. Those who seek advice are generally people who are learning and/or struggling. When you are hurting, confused, or both, it can be difficult to interpret where someone’s words are coming from. You need help, they offer it. It can often take a while to understand if advice is meant to protect you or if it is meant to validate them and indoctrinate you into the herd.
When I think about this, I sometimes fear that someone will be like, “hey, you hypocrite, you write what people should do all the time!” I fear that I am what I despise. I suppose that insecurity probably helps keep me from straying (too far) off the path. I don’t usually expect anyone will listen to me, let alone consider what I’m saying has value or truth. I try explain what and why. I want to protect them and teach them to protect themselves. Give them glimpses of what a mindset could be but also tell them about the process of getting there. It isn’t an on/off switch, but an ideal that can be reached through time and experience. Immediately adhering to empty lip service has no value and undermines the process by devouring the reason for the message.
Mostly I try to let people know that a future exists where they will not be hurting and try to make sure their path to that future is clear of obstructions. That path often requires development both on an internal and external level. I remember which lessons have to be learned first hand and how they take time to sink in. I do not tell someone what to think, I try to present ideas that can be thought about.
That is okay, right?
I was reading Leda in Hand yesterday and I was able to get an outlook on the different expectations of conformity in the D/s scene. In a lot of ways the expectations of conformity differ greatly based upon your role and gender. It made me think about conversations I have had in the past where people had mentioned that they felt envious or felt like they were shunned or scolded for not immediately adopting a given mentality. I also asked a few others last night about this topic and got similar responses. These experiences differ a lot from my own and I find that quite interesting. I also thought a lot about how I fit (or don’t fit) into those ideas in how I present many of the topics I write about in my posts. I don’t really have a direction in this post, I’m just sort of dumping my thoughts out on paper.
I think when we look at conformity in general there are a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are good, others, not so good. On the good side, there are a number of law and social mores that are in place to protect us. While some could argue a lot of these are designed to preserve social order, which is true, I think a lot of us are glad that they are in place to protect us as individuals. Don’t kill. Don’t steal. Don’t hurt people. In my opinion, these are some pretty good ideas and I think we feel better and safer the more that people conform to those. I know in high school, the kids that always preached anarchy probably wouldn’t have lasted more than 48 hours in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by motorcycle gangs battling for petrol.
Conformity as a means of control gets trickier. Squashing the expression of individuality is effective, but in today’s day and age, it gets heavily frowned upon. There’s a fine line between protecting us as individuals and limiting our ability to be individuals. History doesn’t think very highly of regimes that regularly crossed that line and it seems that many in power fail to recognize that these mistakes often lead to the oppressed toppling that power.
Conformity as a means of validation is probably my least favorite (read as: most despised) of these. This is the herd. This is peer pressure. This is shaming. This is hazing as a right of passage. You need to conform so that I can feel good about my choices and station. That’s weak-ass nonsense. We all seek validation, but I would rather my validation come through logic, rational thought, and a belief that what I am doing is right. History also doesn’t think very highly of mobs that do things “because everyone else was doing it.” In its worst form, the herd makes the individual fear exclusion and they conform reluctantly. The problem about adopting a belief structure in this way is that it becomes lip service. Whatever meaning it originally had is now lost. People lose understanding of why it was done in the first place. They become a system of non-thinkers who can only recite the words they are expected to say. Don’t think, just do. I don’t blame people for wanting to fit in. I blame the system for making them feel like they HAVE to fit in or they are screwed up. I blame the individuals that choose to perpetuate it from inside the herd.
So, how does this all apply to D/s?
You will encounter a huge number of people who give advice, both directly and indirectly. Those who seek advice are generally people who are learning and/or struggling. When you are hurting, confused, or both, it can be difficult to interpret where someone’s words are coming from. You need help, they offer it. It can often take a while to understand if advice is meant to protect you or if it is meant to validate them and indoctrinate you into the herd.
When I think about this, I sometimes fear that someone will be like, “hey, you hypocrite, you write what people should do all the time!” I fear that I am what I despise. I suppose that insecurity probably helps keep me from straying (too far) off the path. I don’t usually expect anyone will listen to me, let alone consider what I’m saying has value or truth. I try explain what and why. I want to protect them and teach them to protect themselves. Give them glimpses of what a mindset could be but also tell them about the process of getting there. It isn’t an on/off switch, but an ideal that can be reached through time and experience. Immediately adhering to empty lip service has no value and undermines the process by devouring the reason for the message.
Mostly I try to let people know that a future exists where they will not be hurting and try to make sure their path to that future is clear of obstructions. That path often requires development both on an internal and external level. I remember which lessons have to be learned first hand and how they take time to sink in. I do not tell someone what to think, I try to present ideas that can be thought about.
That is okay, right?
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Fetish Control
strokemetillipurr wrote a post on Fetishes today that I found quite lovely. Actually, it filled me with envy and questions of what if? It got me thinking about how I feel about my fetishes.
The first thing I would say is that if I had a friend like the author back when I was suffering in agony and hating my fetishes... that I would probably be a much happier person today. I genuinely mean that.
As a whole, you will find it incredibly common for people sharing the same fetish to band together on the internet, forming communities to congregate in and interact with one another. These communities, by and large, get by due to anonymity and the feelings that no one has to hold back. The long-time members of these communities will often know each other for a VERY long time and stay in contact through the rise and fall of half a dozen communities.
I've dabbled a bit in these communities but my fetishes are a bit different than what is common and the result is that I often find it a bit difficult to fit in. The other problem is that as these fetish communities peak in size is that number of people with questionable manners often become a problem. This results in a strictly monitored environment, ensuring that everyone stays "on topic." My fetish is very personal to me (although I don't mind sharing about it) and I end up using these communities to try and make internet friends. You know, people you have something in common with but enjoy interacting with in various ways. Some communities are less restrictive with others, but I have encountered some where you weren't allowed to mention a book, movie, or television show, unless that specific media included the the fetish. In the cases where it was in the movie/book/show, you were also then limited to talking about the fetish scenes and not about the work as a whole.
I rarely find one that I feel comfortable enough to stay in for more than a year. I can't tell if I'm an alien. In most cases, they are a lot more at peace with their fetishes than I am. I kind of envy their "I don't care what others think" attitude. I think a lot of the enthusiasm comes from a lifetime of burying their secret and that community being their safe haven and outlet.
I did a LOT of research over the years on fetishes, fetish development, and psychiatric methods of treating fetishists. If I remember correctly, the generally accepted understanding of fetish development is something along the lines of, "repeated sexual fantasies about or including a particular theme/item." Most fetishists were drawn to their fetish at a young age. Often they new that they were different and embarrassed by it. The shame makes them keep it secret from the world, and this can lead to secret obsession. The obsession leads to the fetish.
To the best of my knowledge, it is impossible to get rid of a fetish. Once it is there, it is there for life. The strength of the fetish and how it affected your developing sexuality during puberty is also a factor. For the lucky ones, they can still perform in a "normal" sexual way. For the less fortunate, they need the fetish item/theme present (at least in fantasy) in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Nearly every fetishist I have ever known has at some point attempted to purge the fetish from themselves during a depressed state full of "I hate myself and just wish I could be normal" thoughts. They will throw away all of their fetish-related items, delete their collection of pictures/erotica, and avoid visiting their normal fetish related sites, emails, messenger accounts, etc. Most of them have tried this multiple times over their lifetime. It always comes back, frequently with a vengeance.
A fetishist knows they aren't normal. Where this comes from is either from actual experiences or fear of potential experiences where they will be ridiculed and rejected for their fetish. Relationships are the most terrifying of all. It is common for someone to hide it and wait to share it with their spouse until either they are caught, or they have been together long enough that it is unlikely that it would cause a divorce. The male/female distribution of people with fetishes isn't a kind one for relationships. Most of the psychiatric community believes that there are no women fetishists. I tend to believe that they make up ~1-2% of fetishists. So... 98% men / 2% women, and that isn't even breaking down the fetishes into their respective categories.
Why aren't there more women fetishists? There are a number of reasons. Women are often able to explore their own sexual interests more easily. They don't live in an environment like toxic masculinity that will shame, degrade, and even physically harm those that are different. This allows a woman to fantasize about something without the same type of guilt or shame that will develop a closet obsession.
Another reason is that women tend to respond more to context and environment than men do. They are less likely to look at a picture that includes a desired object/theme and get aroused. They are more likely to craft a fantasy with characters, interactions, and events that include the desired object/theme. Basically, it's a much more balanced form of arousal and they are more likely to change it up rather than repeat the same one over and over again. However, this also explains the higher percentage of female spanking fetishists than in most other fetish communities.
A third reason is that many commonly fetishized objects can be enjoyed and appreciated by women quite easily without a problem. e.g. part of what breeds a man's fetish for women's shoes or boots is that it feels forbidden and taboo and creates an obsession. A woman can simply buy and wear women's shoes or boots. A woman can also buy and wear men's shoes or boots without a problem. Basically, the gender environment is so different that fetish development is far less likely to happen.
Now... why I called this post Fetish Control, is because that is the route I have attempted to take over the course of my life. I created my fetishes early on. They were the first and only thing I fantasized about, and low and behold, they are necessary (at least in fantasy) for me to achieve arousal. This brought me great shame for most of my life. The reasons for my shame are because I kept them secret after being shamed for being drawn to them earlier in life. It was spelled out for me, "people will think you are a freak and no one will like you."
By the time I was dating age, the idea of sex terrified the living hell out of me. I held this secret hope that touching a girl's breast or kissing her would instantly "cure" me of my fetish and I would be able to perform normally when it came to sexual acts. This was over-shadowed by the looming fear that I woudln't be able to get it up, they would laugh at me, tell everyone about it, and I would never have another date for the rest of high school. To combat this I began focusing on the emotional care and companionship aspects of relationships. Getting to know someone deep down was my greatest goal. I didn't think about sex at all. It was too terrifying and would actually trigger PTSD symptoms. (Un)Fortunately, it was never a factor, seeing as I kissed one girl in high school once and never got farther. Definitely unfortunately, it meant this unknown fear would continue on through college.
I did not admit my fetishes to a single person until I was 24. Thankfully, the first woman I had a sexual relationship was an absolutely kinky minx that had boatloads of kinks that bordered on fetishes. I was a coward and didn't admit to my fetishes until after we became emotionally involved, but everything went okay, although my greatest fears were indeed confirmed. As circumstances have always managed to tear my life apart, I have had the misfortune of having to start over repeatedly. Each time it brought about the same terror, but I have started bringing it up early on, letting her know of my sexual quirks. It still makes me feel neurotic and screwed up. Every time.
I no longer try to control the fetishes. I have given up on trying to get rid of them. I still haven't accepted myself fully and consider it unfortunate that I have them.
When I read that post today all I could think of is, damn, if only I had a friend like you when I was younger. I might not have felt so messed up for the majority of my life and would probably have more confidence and like myself a lot better than I do. Thank you for that post, it was inspiring.
The first thing I would say is that if I had a friend like the author back when I was suffering in agony and hating my fetishes... that I would probably be a much happier person today. I genuinely mean that.
As a whole, you will find it incredibly common for people sharing the same fetish to band together on the internet, forming communities to congregate in and interact with one another. These communities, by and large, get by due to anonymity and the feelings that no one has to hold back. The long-time members of these communities will often know each other for a VERY long time and stay in contact through the rise and fall of half a dozen communities.
I've dabbled a bit in these communities but my fetishes are a bit different than what is common and the result is that I often find it a bit difficult to fit in. The other problem is that as these fetish communities peak in size is that number of people with questionable manners often become a problem. This results in a strictly monitored environment, ensuring that everyone stays "on topic." My fetish is very personal to me (although I don't mind sharing about it) and I end up using these communities to try and make internet friends. You know, people you have something in common with but enjoy interacting with in various ways. Some communities are less restrictive with others, but I have encountered some where you weren't allowed to mention a book, movie, or television show, unless that specific media included the the fetish. In the cases where it was in the movie/book/show, you were also then limited to talking about the fetish scenes and not about the work as a whole.
I rarely find one that I feel comfortable enough to stay in for more than a year. I can't tell if I'm an alien. In most cases, they are a lot more at peace with their fetishes than I am. I kind of envy their "I don't care what others think" attitude. I think a lot of the enthusiasm comes from a lifetime of burying their secret and that community being their safe haven and outlet.
I did a LOT of research over the years on fetishes, fetish development, and psychiatric methods of treating fetishists. If I remember correctly, the generally accepted understanding of fetish development is something along the lines of, "repeated sexual fantasies about or including a particular theme/item." Most fetishists were drawn to their fetish at a young age. Often they new that they were different and embarrassed by it. The shame makes them keep it secret from the world, and this can lead to secret obsession. The obsession leads to the fetish.
To the best of my knowledge, it is impossible to get rid of a fetish. Once it is there, it is there for life. The strength of the fetish and how it affected your developing sexuality during puberty is also a factor. For the lucky ones, they can still perform in a "normal" sexual way. For the less fortunate, they need the fetish item/theme present (at least in fantasy) in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Nearly every fetishist I have ever known has at some point attempted to purge the fetish from themselves during a depressed state full of "I hate myself and just wish I could be normal" thoughts. They will throw away all of their fetish-related items, delete their collection of pictures/erotica, and avoid visiting their normal fetish related sites, emails, messenger accounts, etc. Most of them have tried this multiple times over their lifetime. It always comes back, frequently with a vengeance.
A fetishist knows they aren't normal. Where this comes from is either from actual experiences or fear of potential experiences where they will be ridiculed and rejected for their fetish. Relationships are the most terrifying of all. It is common for someone to hide it and wait to share it with their spouse until either they are caught, or they have been together long enough that it is unlikely that it would cause a divorce. The male/female distribution of people with fetishes isn't a kind one for relationships. Most of the psychiatric community believes that there are no women fetishists. I tend to believe that they make up ~1-2% of fetishists. So... 98% men / 2% women, and that isn't even breaking down the fetishes into their respective categories.
Why aren't there more women fetishists? There are a number of reasons. Women are often able to explore their own sexual interests more easily. They don't live in an environment like toxic masculinity that will shame, degrade, and even physically harm those that are different. This allows a woman to fantasize about something without the same type of guilt or shame that will develop a closet obsession.
Another reason is that women tend to respond more to context and environment than men do. They are less likely to look at a picture that includes a desired object/theme and get aroused. They are more likely to craft a fantasy with characters, interactions, and events that include the desired object/theme. Basically, it's a much more balanced form of arousal and they are more likely to change it up rather than repeat the same one over and over again. However, this also explains the higher percentage of female spanking fetishists than in most other fetish communities.
A third reason is that many commonly fetishized objects can be enjoyed and appreciated by women quite easily without a problem. e.g. part of what breeds a man's fetish for women's shoes or boots is that it feels forbidden and taboo and creates an obsession. A woman can simply buy and wear women's shoes or boots. A woman can also buy and wear men's shoes or boots without a problem. Basically, the gender environment is so different that fetish development is far less likely to happen.
Now... why I called this post Fetish Control, is because that is the route I have attempted to take over the course of my life. I created my fetishes early on. They were the first and only thing I fantasized about, and low and behold, they are necessary (at least in fantasy) for me to achieve arousal. This brought me great shame for most of my life. The reasons for my shame are because I kept them secret after being shamed for being drawn to them earlier in life. It was spelled out for me, "people will think you are a freak and no one will like you."
By the time I was dating age, the idea of sex terrified the living hell out of me. I held this secret hope that touching a girl's breast or kissing her would instantly "cure" me of my fetish and I would be able to perform normally when it came to sexual acts. This was over-shadowed by the looming fear that I woudln't be able to get it up, they would laugh at me, tell everyone about it, and I would never have another date for the rest of high school. To combat this I began focusing on the emotional care and companionship aspects of relationships. Getting to know someone deep down was my greatest goal. I didn't think about sex at all. It was too terrifying and would actually trigger PTSD symptoms. (Un)Fortunately, it was never a factor, seeing as I kissed one girl in high school once and never got farther. Definitely unfortunately, it meant this unknown fear would continue on through college.
I did not admit my fetishes to a single person until I was 24. Thankfully, the first woman I had a sexual relationship was an absolutely kinky minx that had boatloads of kinks that bordered on fetishes. I was a coward and didn't admit to my fetishes until after we became emotionally involved, but everything went okay, although my greatest fears were indeed confirmed. As circumstances have always managed to tear my life apart, I have had the misfortune of having to start over repeatedly. Each time it brought about the same terror, but I have started bringing it up early on, letting her know of my sexual quirks. It still makes me feel neurotic and screwed up. Every time.
I no longer try to control the fetishes. I have given up on trying to get rid of them. I still haven't accepted myself fully and consider it unfortunate that I have them.
When I read that post today all I could think of is, damn, if only I had a friend like you when I was younger. I might not have felt so messed up for the majority of my life and would probably have more confidence and like myself a lot better than I do. Thank you for that post, it was inspiring.
Temperament and Patience
“I want more. I want more, now.”
This feeling is very common. Sometimes it comes from a taste. Usually it comes from a taste and then jumping ahead in time and developing unreasonable (for now) fantasies that resemble couples that have been together for a decade. For newer subs, your new sub is basically, a child.
While you were growing up, you probably were scolded countless times about what to do or not to do. At the time, you didn’t want to listen. Sit up straight. Don’t sit so close to the TV. Eat your vegetables. Brush your teeth. Go get some exercise. Don’t read in the dark. Don’t spoil your appetite with junk food.
As you get older, you build awareness and start seeing the importance of these mandates. With bad posture you send out body language signals and eventually develop back problems. Sitting too close to the TV strains your eyes. Vegetables are important for managing your long-term health and well-being. Teeth do in fact stain and rot. Sedentary living hurts you in more ways than one.
As an adult you realize the wisdom in these words. Kids don’t know any better.
Entering D/s it is important to acknowledge that you are a “child” version of a submissive. There will be tons of mandates that will trigger a child-like response. You don’t know the reason. You can’t see why it is important. Why should you have to listen to it? “Yet.” Yet is the most important concept you can embrace.
Subs who have reached their “adult” version understand why. They can explain it to the “younger” subs. The “younger” subs frequently resist, not wanting to acknowledge the importance of these words. The result is that each new generation tends to repeat the same mistakes before reaching their submissive “adulthood.” Growth takes time. It will not happen overnight. Your sub doesn’t go from the virtual age of 6 to 40 in a day, a week, or a month.
Mistakes will be made. Lessons will be learned. Ideally, the truly destructive path will be avoided. It is all part of the process.
A comparison I made that a friend of mine liked is candy. I’m certain there are kids that would love to live on an all candy diet. It tastes good. The sugar rush is fun. They don’t see the tooth decay, weak bones, stunted growth, and diabetes that would be the result of such a diet. They want to live in the now.
Adults learn to appreciate candy. They know they can’t eat it all the time, so they resist the basic urges and choose when to reward themselves. They savor it and truly enjoy its flavor. They begin to see the value of quality vs. quantity, etc.
So to the newer subs out there, just be careful with what you are diving into. I know that resisting the urge is hard, but it will get easier the more that you grow to understand why. Those of us who tell you to be patient are just looking out for what you do not yet see.
The longer you go, the more you will find ways to turn your submission outward. You will yearn to be pleasing more than to have your inward desires fed. You will grow to trust in your dominant that your needs will be met. Nothing I can tell you now will “flip a switch” inside you and make you feel this. It is a slow process of growth, but it is good to be aware of what lies ahead.
As a side note, I went through this process too.
A description of how submissive mental space works
This is pretty redundant here but I wrote this for Wordpress.
Missy over at The SafeworD/s Club wrote a follow up to my Separating self and spaces post. Reading that and the comments made me feel like revisiting a topic that I have written about in the past. It seems there isn’t a lot of talk on mental spaces in general. Like the other post, I am going to use subspace in place of submissive mental space. This is how I have traditionally used the term and prefer it this way.
Anyone can feel free to disagree with this post. Just please tell me what it is you disagree with and why:)
“Being in subspace” is a very generic description. Sort of like the phrase “being in love” doesn’t imply enough. Madly in love? A deep crush? Soulmates? Lust at first sight? Like love, with subspace there are many different degrees, intensities, and levels that speak to different parts of our submissive selves. It is rarely static, and how you feel in one moment can change to the next depending upon the events and environment.
I like to compare subspace to a swimming pool. It has a shallow end and a deep end. When in the pool, you can maneuver into deeper or shallower waters from where you are. You can jump or be pushed into the pool and land in different depths. The deeper you go, the more submissive you feel and the less of your “self” is present in your thoughts and motives. The deepest you can reach is slavespace, where you nearly cease to exist as a person and feel more like an object or tool. In the shallowest of spaces you may just experience arousal, feeling playful, and wanting to seduce, be seduced, physical contact, etc. I believe when most people “feel submissive,” they are lingering in the medium depth waters.
Triggers are the key to your starting point. A strong trigger may have you landing immediately in deep subspace. A very weak trigger such as a glance or a singular associative word may have you just gliding into the shallow end. Triggers also function within the pool. Each additional trigger applied to a submissive in subspace will take them deeper. Subs that are in deep space must be coerced back from the depths, or in the case of a male, an orgasm flings them out of the pool.
The practical application of this varies for people. I think understanding how submissive you feel in relative depths is very beneficial to people who are newer to the lifestyle. I think it is very important for dominants to have an understanding of the strength of the triggers they apply to be able to guide a sub to their desired depth. It may even be useful early on for a sub to assign a numerical or descriptive “value” to how they are feeling at a given time so that the dominant can make note of physical/visual cues as well as behavioral traits. e.g. 1 is shallow, 10 is slave, responding with a 4 is medium but an 8 is very deep. You may find you enjoy completely different activities depending upon your depth and that certain activities will shift your depth.
Overall, I think the biggest things to take from this is that the depth of your subspace will vary and that it is always in motion, moving to shallower or deeper waters as it responds to what is going on around you. Your starting depth may set the tone for things, but you will be in constant flux.
Missy over at The SafeworD/s Club wrote a follow up to my Separating self and spaces post. Reading that and the comments made me feel like revisiting a topic that I have written about in the past. It seems there isn’t a lot of talk on mental spaces in general. Like the other post, I am going to use subspace in place of submissive mental space. This is how I have traditionally used the term and prefer it this way.
Anyone can feel free to disagree with this post. Just please tell me what it is you disagree with and why:)
“Being in subspace” is a very generic description. Sort of like the phrase “being in love” doesn’t imply enough. Madly in love? A deep crush? Soulmates? Lust at first sight? Like love, with subspace there are many different degrees, intensities, and levels that speak to different parts of our submissive selves. It is rarely static, and how you feel in one moment can change to the next depending upon the events and environment.
I like to compare subspace to a swimming pool. It has a shallow end and a deep end. When in the pool, you can maneuver into deeper or shallower waters from where you are. You can jump or be pushed into the pool and land in different depths. The deeper you go, the more submissive you feel and the less of your “self” is present in your thoughts and motives. The deepest you can reach is slavespace, where you nearly cease to exist as a person and feel more like an object or tool. In the shallowest of spaces you may just experience arousal, feeling playful, and wanting to seduce, be seduced, physical contact, etc. I believe when most people “feel submissive,” they are lingering in the medium depth waters.
Triggers are the key to your starting point. A strong trigger may have you landing immediately in deep subspace. A very weak trigger such as a glance or a singular associative word may have you just gliding into the shallow end. Triggers also function within the pool. Each additional trigger applied to a submissive in subspace will take them deeper. Subs that are in deep space must be coerced back from the depths, or in the case of a male, an orgasm flings them out of the pool.
The practical application of this varies for people. I think understanding how submissive you feel in relative depths is very beneficial to people who are newer to the lifestyle. I think it is very important for dominants to have an understanding of the strength of the triggers they apply to be able to guide a sub to their desired depth. It may even be useful early on for a sub to assign a numerical or descriptive “value” to how they are feeling at a given time so that the dominant can make note of physical/visual cues as well as behavioral traits. e.g. 1 is shallow, 10 is slave, responding with a 4 is medium but an 8 is very deep. You may find you enjoy completely different activities depending upon your depth and that certain activities will shift your depth.
Overall, I think the biggest things to take from this is that the depth of your subspace will vary and that it is always in motion, moving to shallower or deeper waters as it responds to what is going on around you. Your starting depth may set the tone for things, but you will be in constant flux.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Pieces Part 2: Fur
Sort of surprised I missed this in the other post, but what I have found rather interesting is that fur affects me in different ways.
Fur on a woman caters to my normal submissive self.
Fur on me or its touch triggers my little.
Just a random note that seemed core enough to my identity to share.
Fur on a woman caters to my normal submissive self.
Fur on me or its touch triggers my little.
Just a random note that seemed core enough to my identity to share.
Pieces
Normally I would pick a title that is cliche, something like “picking
up the pieces” or “putting the pieces together,” but that doesn’t fit.
I’m just sort of noticing the pieces that weren’t there before. I had
either blocked them out, denied their existence, or just was too blind
to notice them. Sorry if this sounds like a repeat of an earlier post.
I am trying to figure this out.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being little. I really hadn’t been exposed to littles until a year or two ago. It wasn’t very common in my local scene and when I was only reading/writing on Blogger there wasn’t a lot of crossover between F/m and M/f. Most of my references to them before that point came from Dommes blasting men who wanted to be littles and saying they had no desire to “raise another child.” About the only cases where I found male littles being accepted were from pro dominatrixes that were mostly accepting of littles… for only $250 or more per hour. In F/m they were also painted mostly as adult babies or people with lactation or diaper fetishes.
This caused a great deal of mental resistance to the idea. I already perceived myself as a sissy, which had enough hate raining down on it that I didn’t really care to be associated with yet another undesirable label. When I started interacting in more mixed groups I inherently came into contact with quite a few female littles. I was able to talk to them and get a much more accurate impression about what it is about. A while later I was also able to finally meet a couple of male littles that had partners that would allow them to let that side of them surface, albeit on a limited basis. They were switches and would get maybe 4-8 hours a month of space time.
After some conversations with both them and some caregivers I was pretty firmly convinced that I was not one. Littles are happy. Littles are mostly non-sexual. Littles are “submissive” in a childlike way, looking up to an authority figure. None of these sounded anything like me. “That sounds like PTSD,” I was told and I couldn’t argue with it.
What I currently perceive as my little space was something I had always mistaken for slavespace. The behavior, the inability to resist or say no, and the frantic desire to please and be useful were linked to this. I can count the number of people I have met that can truly enter slavespace on one hand. You don’t find that many of them on the internet. The ones I had met in real life through BDSM scenes were not allowed to use a computer, the internet, a phone, etc., so I had always felt it was like looking for an Amish dating website. I did manage to interact with one who was currently not owned and another who was asked to read something I wrote and give their take on it. Both were very emotionally aware and articulate and I came to learn that what I thought was my slavespace is very different than theirs. When I really thought about it, it made a lot of sense. While my external behavior and sexual response may have been similar, the internals didn’t match up.
While I have experienced what they had described when pushed VERY hard, the space that I was accustomed to thinking was it had to be something else.
So just what did that mean? I pretty much ignored this question for over a year.
This year had a series of traumatic memories return to me. I wrote them out and was able to somewhat heal from them. Well, heal isn’t the right word. I learned to accept the trauma that was responsible for a particular part of my current being.
Reaching my little space is entirely dependent upon triggers. These triggers are nearly all linked to traumatic and pivotal experiences from my youth. These include but are not limited to:
My little believes itself to be unwanted and lacking desirable qualities. It feels twisted and ugly. It tries to make up for it by desperately wanting to please. If an authority figure gives it attention, it adores them and will do anything to please them. My little will push itself neurotically to please them. Failure triggers its fear of abandonment, so it will accept any form of rule or punishment as long as it won’t be left alone.
My little does not expect to be treated well. Kindness creates cognitive dissonance and feels dishonest. Fairness feels kind. Cruelty feels normal and consistent with its view of itself. Punishments feel justified. “Reminders of its place” feel like favors, because it wants to stay pleasing always.
Because M managed to trigger this space in me when I was young (she would put a hat on me as a blindfold/mask), and I began my sexuality fantasizing around her, a lot of this got linked. I realize now that my early masturbation fantasies were always about feeling helpless… they were all from my little’s point of view. The end result is that my little is always aroused, and will constantly attempt arousal if locked in chastity.
This doesn’t sound like any little I have ever met before. It differs greatly from my adult submissive space in the way that it thinks. My adult submissive is a bit playful, very affectionate, and thinks rational thoughts. My little, thinks only in desperation. Everything feels desperate.
I feel pretty safe that I can abandon the idea of being a sissy. I have no femininity in me. I have no desire to be woman-like. I never really responded to being forced to wear a bra, panties, stockings, or lingerie. While I found them humiliating, they were dwarfed by the items that trigger my little space. The funniest thing is that I think being called a sissy was a trigger because of its level of cognitive dissonance at not wanting to be one. This changes things, but it doesn’t really feel any different.
I am still who I am. I don’t even know if little is something I should advertise. I also don’t want anyone to feel guilty for “bullying” my little. I am just me… something I had pretty much come to terms with yesterday.
Trying to summarize things for my own peace of mind: I am not a sissy. I am not a slave. I am a submissive. I am a little. My little is a submissive. These are the pieces.
I have to mull this over a bit.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being little. I really hadn’t been exposed to littles until a year or two ago. It wasn’t very common in my local scene and when I was only reading/writing on Blogger there wasn’t a lot of crossover between F/m and M/f. Most of my references to them before that point came from Dommes blasting men who wanted to be littles and saying they had no desire to “raise another child.” About the only cases where I found male littles being accepted were from pro dominatrixes that were mostly accepting of littles… for only $250 or more per hour. In F/m they were also painted mostly as adult babies or people with lactation or diaper fetishes.
This caused a great deal of mental resistance to the idea. I already perceived myself as a sissy, which had enough hate raining down on it that I didn’t really care to be associated with yet another undesirable label. When I started interacting in more mixed groups I inherently came into contact with quite a few female littles. I was able to talk to them and get a much more accurate impression about what it is about. A while later I was also able to finally meet a couple of male littles that had partners that would allow them to let that side of them surface, albeit on a limited basis. They were switches and would get maybe 4-8 hours a month of space time.
After some conversations with both them and some caregivers I was pretty firmly convinced that I was not one. Littles are happy. Littles are mostly non-sexual. Littles are “submissive” in a childlike way, looking up to an authority figure. None of these sounded anything like me. “That sounds like PTSD,” I was told and I couldn’t argue with it.
What I currently perceive as my little space was something I had always mistaken for slavespace. The behavior, the inability to resist or say no, and the frantic desire to please and be useful were linked to this. I can count the number of people I have met that can truly enter slavespace on one hand. You don’t find that many of them on the internet. The ones I had met in real life through BDSM scenes were not allowed to use a computer, the internet, a phone, etc., so I had always felt it was like looking for an Amish dating website. I did manage to interact with one who was currently not owned and another who was asked to read something I wrote and give their take on it. Both were very emotionally aware and articulate and I came to learn that what I thought was my slavespace is very different than theirs. When I really thought about it, it made a lot of sense. While my external behavior and sexual response may have been similar, the internals didn’t match up.
While I have experienced what they had described when pushed VERY hard, the space that I was accustomed to thinking was it had to be something else.
So just what did that mean? I pretty much ignored this question for over a year.
This year had a series of traumatic memories return to me. I wrote them out and was able to somewhat heal from them. Well, heal isn’t the right word. I learned to accept the trauma that was responsible for a particular part of my current being.
Reaching my little space is entirely dependent upon triggers. These triggers are nearly all linked to traumatic and pivotal experiences from my youth. These include but are not limited to:
- Having my genitals made fun of.
- Having to wear any kind of winter hat, but most noticeably girls or womens.
- Having to wear earmuffs.
- Being put into isolation or time-out.
- Being deceived, tricked, or manipulated by false kindness.
- Phrases like, “this is for your own good,” “this is to keep you safe,” and the like.
- Being denied speaking privileges and other forms of communication.
- Being given an impossible task.
- Being called a sissy, girl, gayboy, fag, bitch, etc.
My little believes itself to be unwanted and lacking desirable qualities. It feels twisted and ugly. It tries to make up for it by desperately wanting to please. If an authority figure gives it attention, it adores them and will do anything to please them. My little will push itself neurotically to please them. Failure triggers its fear of abandonment, so it will accept any form of rule or punishment as long as it won’t be left alone.
My little does not expect to be treated well. Kindness creates cognitive dissonance and feels dishonest. Fairness feels kind. Cruelty feels normal and consistent with its view of itself. Punishments feel justified. “Reminders of its place” feel like favors, because it wants to stay pleasing always.
Because M managed to trigger this space in me when I was young (she would put a hat on me as a blindfold/mask), and I began my sexuality fantasizing around her, a lot of this got linked. I realize now that my early masturbation fantasies were always about feeling helpless… they were all from my little’s point of view. The end result is that my little is always aroused, and will constantly attempt arousal if locked in chastity.
This doesn’t sound like any little I have ever met before. It differs greatly from my adult submissive space in the way that it thinks. My adult submissive is a bit playful, very affectionate, and thinks rational thoughts. My little, thinks only in desperation. Everything feels desperate.
I feel pretty safe that I can abandon the idea of being a sissy. I have no femininity in me. I have no desire to be woman-like. I never really responded to being forced to wear a bra, panties, stockings, or lingerie. While I found them humiliating, they were dwarfed by the items that trigger my little space. The funniest thing is that I think being called a sissy was a trigger because of its level of cognitive dissonance at not wanting to be one. This changes things, but it doesn’t really feel any different.
I am still who I am. I don’t even know if little is something I should advertise. I also don’t want anyone to feel guilty for “bullying” my little. I am just me… something I had pretty much come to terms with yesterday.
Trying to summarize things for my own peace of mind: I am not a sissy. I am not a slave. I am a submissive. I am a little. My little is a submissive. These are the pieces.
I have to mull this over a bit.
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Hitting the Wall
I'm sorry about that little outburst in the last post. After having a chance to calm myself I can tell exactly what happened.
My mania just crashed. Hard.
In hindsight it is clear as day. The last 3-4 days have had a tension buildup that I was sensing but couldn't quite place. I want to apologize to anyone out there that I have interacted with over the past couple of days and managed to offend. I got really out of control and just started riding feelings rather than paying attention to how I was acting and what I was saying.
I'm currently feeling the pangs of regret in knowing that I made an ass of myself on more than one occasion. The good news is, you won't have to deal with me making 3, 4, or 5 posts a day :D
My mania just crashed. Hard.
In hindsight it is clear as day. The last 3-4 days have had a tension buildup that I was sensing but couldn't quite place. I want to apologize to anyone out there that I have interacted with over the past couple of days and managed to offend. I got really out of control and just started riding feelings rather than paying attention to how I was acting and what I was saying.
I'm currently feeling the pangs of regret in knowing that I made an ass of myself on more than one occasion. The good news is, you won't have to deal with me making 3, 4, or 5 posts a day :D
I’ll Take Emo Word Vomits for $800, Alex
I’m sitting here and wondering if I am a bad person inside.
I like helping people. Is this only because I like how it feels to make an impact? Am I just trolling for people to be grateful to me and make me feel appreciated?
I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I can’t tell why I do what I do. I can’t tell who I am.
I know this is momentary. I know it will pass. I just feel completely confused and out of control in a wave that has decimated my understanding of self.
I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do.
I like helping people. Is this only because I like how it feels to make an impact? Am I just trolling for people to be grateful to me and make me feel appreciated?
I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I can’t tell why I do what I do. I can’t tell who I am.
I know this is momentary. I know it will pass. I just feel completely confused and out of control in a wave that has decimated my understanding of self.
I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do.
Continuing the Journey to self-understanding
I’ve been interacting with so many new people lately, I feel like
I’m losing my mind trying to keep everything straight. That being said,
I love meeting new people. New views. New questions. New answers.
New perspectives. I love to learn. I love to share.
I’ve been getting asked a lot of questions lately about my role in D/s. I’ve been answering them in the same way but the feedback I’m getting is new to me. I’m learning more about myself.
I don’t think what I thought was my slavespace is actual slavespace. I have way too much “self” in it, even if the external behavior is similar. I do not think I am a slave.
I don’t think I am a sissy. I don’t think I ever really was. I think that my triggers got so twisted up that I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I took on the name and wrote about it because I was hoping to come to terms with it and stop hating myself. I was actually asked to define what a sissy was. I described it as best I could, giving it a generic description and letting them know how there were different types. I went on to describe how it differed from a transvestite and a cross-dresser. The thought became clear to me: this isn’t me. I don’t enjoy it for what it is, nor did I ever want it. I am not a sissy.
I am really starting to believe that I am a little. I am not a happy little. My little doesn’t give me a break from the world. Having unearthed the memories this past year about the hat and earmuffs humiliations, those experiences were trauma. Those are my triggers to my little space. I become that humiliated and bullied little boy, broken to shyness, desperate for love and acceptance. These experiences were galvanized and sexualized by my experiences with M and my masturbatory habits that followed. My little resembles a slave in the way that he is broken and will obey authority without resistance… and actually an eagerness to show how good he is and fearing the terror of being left behind.
My little is a submissive. It is not just that my little has a submissive personality, but my little is a submissive. This explains a lot. The arousal. The humiliation. The mental space that has been so confusing to me over the years. My little may even be a slave, or is at least broken to accept only the bare minimum of attention. It believes all of the negativity it has been fed. It cannot see itself in any other way. It accepts its station in life.
I have a submissive persona that retains my adult self. It is a bit more mild in its submission. It responds to bondage. It responds to body worship. It responds to sex. This is a separate person to my little. They think differently. They behave differently. They respond differently.
My mind is feeling rather stretched while trying to get to the bottom of this. It shatters my understanding of myself. I will have to sort through all of this and redefine. What I know to be me, is no longer.
I’ve been getting asked a lot of questions lately about my role in D/s. I’ve been answering them in the same way but the feedback I’m getting is new to me. I’m learning more about myself.
I don’t think what I thought was my slavespace is actual slavespace. I have way too much “self” in it, even if the external behavior is similar. I do not think I am a slave.
I don’t think I am a sissy. I don’t think I ever really was. I think that my triggers got so twisted up that I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I took on the name and wrote about it because I was hoping to come to terms with it and stop hating myself. I was actually asked to define what a sissy was. I described it as best I could, giving it a generic description and letting them know how there were different types. I went on to describe how it differed from a transvestite and a cross-dresser. The thought became clear to me: this isn’t me. I don’t enjoy it for what it is, nor did I ever want it. I am not a sissy.
I am really starting to believe that I am a little. I am not a happy little. My little doesn’t give me a break from the world. Having unearthed the memories this past year about the hat and earmuffs humiliations, those experiences were trauma. Those are my triggers to my little space. I become that humiliated and bullied little boy, broken to shyness, desperate for love and acceptance. These experiences were galvanized and sexualized by my experiences with M and my masturbatory habits that followed. My little resembles a slave in the way that he is broken and will obey authority without resistance… and actually an eagerness to show how good he is and fearing the terror of being left behind.
My little is a submissive. It is not just that my little has a submissive personality, but my little is a submissive. This explains a lot. The arousal. The humiliation. The mental space that has been so confusing to me over the years. My little may even be a slave, or is at least broken to accept only the bare minimum of attention. It believes all of the negativity it has been fed. It cannot see itself in any other way. It accepts its station in life.
I have a submissive persona that retains my adult self. It is a bit more mild in its submission. It responds to bondage. It responds to body worship. It responds to sex. This is a separate person to my little. They think differently. They behave differently. They respond differently.
My mind is feeling rather stretched while trying to get to the bottom of this. It shatters my understanding of myself. I will have to sort through all of this and redefine. What I know to be me, is no longer.
Trapped in Space
One of the more interesting aspects of submissive mental space is
that with the right triggers in hand, you can create a self-perpetuating
loop that will force the sub to remain trapped in space. This is often
done by a set of rules used in conjunction with one another that force
the sub to endure something that they do not want. An example might be,
being ordered to dress in embarrassing clothing or forced to be naked
with penalties for not remaining as instructed. This keeps them
constantly aware of their situation which will repeatedly activate the
triggers that keep them immersed in subspace.
This will differ from sub to sub but one of the common factors I am finding is that it should force the submissive into a state of self-consciousness. This prevents a sub from retreating into a selfless “joys of service” mindset and instead generates cognitive dissonance to keep them off balance. While they may wish for whatever is tormenting them to stop, having a far worse punishment in place for refusing to endure can keep them bouncing back and forth between present worries and future threats.
Having experienced this quite often at length, it is a glorious kind of hell.
This will differ from sub to sub but one of the common factors I am finding is that it should force the submissive into a state of self-consciousness. This prevents a sub from retreating into a selfless “joys of service” mindset and instead generates cognitive dissonance to keep them off balance. While they may wish for whatever is tormenting them to stop, having a far worse punishment in place for refusing to endure can keep them bouncing back and forth between present worries and future threats.
Having experienced this quite often at length, it is a glorious kind of hell.
Separating Self and Spaces
For the sake of ease, I’m going to make use of my own version of the term “subspace” that I have used for years because I will go crazy if I have to continuously type “submissive mental space” to contrast that against the endorphin high definition you find in most guides. So for the sake of this post, if I write subspace, I mean submissive mental space.
Another key point here is that there are noun and adjective versions of these words:
- submissive the adjective = ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
- submissive the noun = a person who submits to another (in this context, to a dominant).
- dominant the adjective = important, powerful, or influential.
- dominant the noun = a person who dominates another (in this context, over a submissive).
Two things stand out about subspace:
- It is sexual. You will be aroused.
- It rewrites the way that you behave, process information, and perceive the world.
The rewriting of perception is a bit different and harder to describe. It’s easier to illustrate it with an example. The dominant orders you to kneel and places a collar around your neck. You get hit with a wave of emotion and fall into subspace. When in subspace, the dominant may seem so much bigger and more important than before. You might feel smaller. Their words carry more weight. You lose your ability to resist. If they scold you, you feel bad and want to cry (whereas in your vanilla person you might tell them to fuck off). Your desires shift to be pleasing to them and see them happy. You find yourself aching for their approval. Right and wrong become something else. The rest of the world seems unimportant.
Have you ever felt anything like that before? If yes, you have experienced subspace. You became someone else. Your submissive self.
Discovering how your submissive self works is a matter of understanding the boundaries of your subspace as well as its triggers. While I have written about triggers recently, a brief breakdown is that subspace triggers are acts, words, phrases, rituals, rules, ideas, objects, environments that cause you to shift into subspace from your vanilla persona.
In most cases, these triggers will either be related to a particular fetish, trauma, or they can also be rooted in themes/symbols. A collar symbolizing control and ownership. A kneeling ritual to symbolize status and devotion. A type of embrace to show protection and care. A forceful command. An embarrassing act. Often, the verbal reminder of why an act is being performed is enough. These “speak to” your submission and can do anything from nudge you to shove you into subspace.
A continuous use of triggers over an extended period of time can ensure that a sub will remain in subspace or even fall deeper into it. Done right, it requires minimal work and there are ways to make it self-perpetuating. If a collar drives their subspace, attach a bell and tell them that every time they hear it jingle they are supposed to remember that they are owned. This may very well keep them fully immersed in subspace even in the absence of directly dominant acts.
On the other side of the coin are dominants. Dominants, like submissives, also have a dominant mental space (domspace) which is separate from their vanilla persona. This explains how a dominant can be mild, gentle, and polite as their vanilla self and intense and sadistic in their dominant persona.
Also similar to subspace, domspace involves arousal and emergence of a dominant persona. This may be harder to notice in someone who has an alpha vanilla persona, but this is where they become a dominant instead of just having a dominant personality.
Domspace can also have triggers that will assist in or fully activate their dominant persona. These often just fall into things they like to do or rules they may have chosen to cater to their domspace, but a submissive can also attempt to forcibly activate their domspace if they know their triggers.
I would try to write more about domspace triggers but seeing as I don’t have a domspace, I feel I am better off keeping it as general as I can.
Finding out your individual spaces and their triggers can take some time. It can take longer if your subspace or domspace run very closely to your vanilla personas. It is also very valuable for a submissive to share as much knowledge of their subspace triggers with the dominant as they can. This is sometimes a difficult and embarrassing thing to do, but dominants aren’t mind-readers and giving them the confidence to be dominant works a lot better than having them guess through trial and error.
Dominants may wish to keep some feeling of mystery and avoid sharing their triggers with the submissive. However, in cases where dominants and submissives seem to have trouble finding their footing together, especially with newer or inexperienced dominants, it may be wise for them to share the way their space works with their sub. That way the submissive can try to provide an environment that is conducive to the dominant’s domspace.
Hopefully someone will find this helpful.
Thoughts on my reality
I realize now that a post I made recently may have done the opposite
of what I intended. I had hoped to help but I think it may have felt
like I was diminishing their existence. I am frustrated with myself
that I didn’t see this interpretation before I posted it and I have
spent the last couple of days thinking about what I didn’t see. I
figured it out earlier today: my reality is different from theirs.
I forgot about this and that is my fault.
I have never felt desirable. I have never had someone want me for my looks, my body, my car, money or status, or anything like that. I have never had anyone want me for my abilities or because I was a part of a team or a band. I do not know what it is like to be desired, and especially, I do not know what it is like to be desired for wrong or empty reasons.
As I have found myself starting over several times since I entered this lifestyle (something I had hoped I would never have had to do). Having been in both online and local communities, spending months upon months searching for a partner, you get a feel for what people find desirable. While I know that personal connection and love trumps all, those are things that must be found and nurtured over time. The start of the process is not so kind because of what people have to go on. Online, it’s who we are on paper. In the real world, it’s about how we look.
Online searches always start with the idea of us. It is not us. Not who we are, but the idea of what we are. The concept of desirable starts here. There is an inherent inequality between who desires and who is desired. Supply and demand plays a large part. Gender and role serve as the basic filter. Dominant women are the rarest. Male submissives, the most numerous. Those who are particularly beautiful or handsome have the greatest superficial draw. After that it falls to race, age, interests, and how we present ourselves. People with the most common and sought after interests rise. Those with less desirable interests or interests that carry negative stereotypes fall.
A lot of filtering goes on before anyone ever sees who we are. A lot of filtering goes on before anyone even cares about who we are. This isn’t the right way that things should be, but it is how I perceive reality.
Those who are most sought after will get worn down by volume. The balance for this is availability and options. They will have every option in the world to choose from. Even if 99% of them are bad, it still yields many options from only that top 1%. This is empowering. It can also be frustrating. It could be worse.
Those who are the least sought after will get worn down in different ways. No one writes to them, so they must make the first move, knowing they are one of one-thousand who chose to write that day. How do you separate yourself? In this type you are wholly dependent upon the impression you can make with your words and your self-portrayal. You try to be as honest and genuine as you can. You try to give an accurate picture of yourself, highlighting your strengths while admitting your weaknesses. You try to be interesting. When you feel good about what you have written, it dawns on you: many people lie about themselves on their profile. All the time and effort goes in only to hope that someone will care enough to dig further and if they dig, they will actually believe you. You have no leverage. You have no bargaining power. You are at the mercy of it all. You have no options. It is the desired that has the options.
In D/s, I am one of the undesirables. I am a male sub. I am not handsome. I’m short. I am a minority. I have kinks that relate to feminization. Each of these characteristics diminishes interest in me, yet none of them summarize who I am. Who I am is never seen, because I never clear the bar. I am virtually invisible.
I have always wondered what it would feel like to be one of the desired. To have a specific quality, characteristic, or role that would automatically propel me to the top of the list of someone’s potentials. In my imagination, I picture this as being a good thing. Everyone has a reason to meet you. Everyone that meets you has the potential to see the real you. Everyone that sees the real you has the potential to be the one.
I can only picture the benefits but I lose sight of what I don’t know. I can’t see the headaches or what this would do to a sense of self and sense of worth. I can only guess. I can’t see how prolonged experiences with having loads of options but finding none of them worthy would feel. I can only guess. I can’t truly understand what it is like to be desired for the wrong reasons. I can only guess.
This is my reality. I will be more careful in the future when trying to picture someone else’s.
I forgot about this and that is my fault.
I have never felt desirable. I have never had someone want me for my looks, my body, my car, money or status, or anything like that. I have never had anyone want me for my abilities or because I was a part of a team or a band. I do not know what it is like to be desired, and especially, I do not know what it is like to be desired for wrong or empty reasons.
As I have found myself starting over several times since I entered this lifestyle (something I had hoped I would never have had to do). Having been in both online and local communities, spending months upon months searching for a partner, you get a feel for what people find desirable. While I know that personal connection and love trumps all, those are things that must be found and nurtured over time. The start of the process is not so kind because of what people have to go on. Online, it’s who we are on paper. In the real world, it’s about how we look.
Online searches always start with the idea of us. It is not us. Not who we are, but the idea of what we are. The concept of desirable starts here. There is an inherent inequality between who desires and who is desired. Supply and demand plays a large part. Gender and role serve as the basic filter. Dominant women are the rarest. Male submissives, the most numerous. Those who are particularly beautiful or handsome have the greatest superficial draw. After that it falls to race, age, interests, and how we present ourselves. People with the most common and sought after interests rise. Those with less desirable interests or interests that carry negative stereotypes fall.
A lot of filtering goes on before anyone ever sees who we are. A lot of filtering goes on before anyone even cares about who we are. This isn’t the right way that things should be, but it is how I perceive reality.
Those who are most sought after will get worn down by volume. The balance for this is availability and options. They will have every option in the world to choose from. Even if 99% of them are bad, it still yields many options from only that top 1%. This is empowering. It can also be frustrating. It could be worse.
Those who are the least sought after will get worn down in different ways. No one writes to them, so they must make the first move, knowing they are one of one-thousand who chose to write that day. How do you separate yourself? In this type you are wholly dependent upon the impression you can make with your words and your self-portrayal. You try to be as honest and genuine as you can. You try to give an accurate picture of yourself, highlighting your strengths while admitting your weaknesses. You try to be interesting. When you feel good about what you have written, it dawns on you: many people lie about themselves on their profile. All the time and effort goes in only to hope that someone will care enough to dig further and if they dig, they will actually believe you. You have no leverage. You have no bargaining power. You are at the mercy of it all. You have no options. It is the desired that has the options.
In D/s, I am one of the undesirables. I am a male sub. I am not handsome. I’m short. I am a minority. I have kinks that relate to feminization. Each of these characteristics diminishes interest in me, yet none of them summarize who I am. Who I am is never seen, because I never clear the bar. I am virtually invisible.
I have always wondered what it would feel like to be one of the desired. To have a specific quality, characteristic, or role that would automatically propel me to the top of the list of someone’s potentials. In my imagination, I picture this as being a good thing. Everyone has a reason to meet you. Everyone that meets you has the potential to see the real you. Everyone that sees the real you has the potential to be the one.
I can only picture the benefits but I lose sight of what I don’t know. I can’t see the headaches or what this would do to a sense of self and sense of worth. I can only guess. I can’t see how prolonged experiences with having loads of options but finding none of them worthy would feel. I can only guess. I can’t truly understand what it is like to be desired for the wrong reasons. I can only guess.
This is my reality. I will be more careful in the future when trying to picture someone else’s.
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