I've made a lot of frustration posts in the past few months. It should have been blatantly obvious as to why, but I kept thinking that things would "work out" and all of those feelings would wash away.
The reality of it is that I've been stuck in a cycle. Feel lonely, reach out, get hopes up, get ignored, feel hurt, feel frustrated, feel more lonely.
It's really a strange feeling. When I look to interact to others I have no agenda aside from seeking company. People to correspond with. Go back and forth about ideas. Find some conversation. Many of us have to hide ourselves from most of the world. It feels wonderful to have some people to be open and honest with.
Over the years I've always thought I was a fairly interesting guy. I know enough about a lot of things to be able to hold a conversation on a good number of topics. I'm not too proud to admit when I don't know something but if it's an important topic of someone I am getting to know I'm genuinely interested in learning more.
I try to be respectful and polite, never insisting and trying my best not to over-step boundaries. I'm a bit shyly awkward at first but it doesn't take much to get me to open up. Once I feel comfortable I'm pretty damn funny. I am open to communicating with men, women, TG's, Dominants, submissives, switches, you name it.
For decades of my life I seemed to have enough social competence to get by. I made friends... good ones. It was easy for me to talk to people and people talked to me.
What started happening last year was that it felt like no one wanted to talk to me. They (literally) wouldn't respond to me, yet they would respond to others. This is the most consistent frustration point for me. Passive-aggressive rejection. It hurts. Much of my family life dealt within these terms and it wasn't a pleasant experience. This type of reaction rattles me to my core. It manages to prey on every insecurity I have... because I have no idea why I am being ignored. I start getting down on myself for ever reason I can think of. Not interesting enough. Too awkward. WTF is this pink blog shit? Everyone hates sissies. It all leads to self-doubt and a crumbling sense of self-esteem.
In other cases I have had them flat out insult me. I actually prefer that type of treatment. This seemed to happen only from the male FLR bloggers. "Your kind aint't welcome here round these parts." I'm accustomed to this. Racism toughened me the hell up. When confronted by someone in this way, I slap on the suit of armor, and shake my head thinking "wow, what a prick." While it wears on me a bit, the majority of it slides off my back. You can't cure ignorant.
The other avenue I explore is the fur fetish community. There are a HUGE number of closet submissives there along with a large number of kink-friendly sissies and TV/TG/CD's. I don't know what it is, but they steer clear of me there as well. Based upon the view counts I know that there are tons of people reading my fiction and looking at the posts that I make. There are just so few willing to expose themselves by actually making a comment and if they do send a PM, they never respond when I reply.
All in all this lead to a huge amount of hurt feelings that had built up inside of me over the past year. The accumulation of a hundred small wounds can be just as bad as one big one. Now that I am sitting in a better space I find myself wanting just to leave all this shit behind. Drop it and move on. I'd like to say that I learned something from it but the only thing I'm garnering at this time is, "wow, people suck." In any case, I'm writing this to spell it out and get it out of my system. To try and look forward and just keep going without the doubts that drag me down.
I've given up on fetlife. If you like my blog feel free to hit me up on there, but I have no plan to take part in much there or contact anyone that I don't already know. For years people were trying to get me to join there. Now that I did last year it has been probably the most disappointing side of things for me. I'm sure it works for some, but it has just brought me hurt and frustration.
I'm tired of having people hurt my feelings. I don't want to put on armor. I don't want to have to act tough when that's not who I want to be. I just want to be me. I want to feel safe being sensitive. I want to care about others. If I talk to someone, I want them to talk back. It kind of hurts just realizing this is asking for a lot.
It feels good to be honest and to get all of this stuff off my chest. I'm not really angry. Even frustration is a mask. I just find it easier to express it in a negative way than just saying that it hurt me. I want to try to be more positive from now on. Removing myself from negative situations is probably the first step in that goal. Who knows if I will succeed or fail, but at least I'll try.
PS. Feel free to chew me out and call me a hypocrite if you see me ranting within the next 30 days.
Dear Fur,
ReplyDeleteThe way people react (or not), they way they treat someone (or not) says more about them than it does about you - these people for their poor actions and poor treatment of another are not worth your frustration or your feelings, they are not worth being within a negative space over.
One thing I've learned over the years is to not worry about what people may think. After all, as the saying goes, those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Having said that, I know it is hard when you reach out and it appears as if you are being rejected. I read a number of blogs but rarely post, this isn't anything against the person whose blog it is, but I work a minimum of a 70 hour week, sometimes 80, sometimes over 90. I have a home life, a child and as such, I sometimes can't find the words to post. I sometimes just want to be lost in a world of reading and thought.
I think at times perhaps we place too high an expectation on people (I know that I can sometimes do that too!) and that perhaps they do not even see that their actions are causing hurt or pain or sadness.
It is not easy to be true to ourselves, it is not easy to just be who we are and to be OK with that, but if you can find that acceptance, if you can focus on you and your own wellbeing and not what others are failing to do, I really think that it will help your own wellbeing, your own peace of mind and the positive feeling that you want within life.
It is perfectly OK to step away from negative feelings, it is perfectly OK to take yourself out of toxic situations, only we can do this for us, and it's OK to do this to take care of you!
Write and blog for you, release the thoughts for you. Don't worry about who may or may not be reading, I am sure there will be someone out there who relates, who reads and thinks "this could be me" even if they don't have the courage to write, to post or to reach out.
Wishing you well.
Best, Kat
Thank you, Kat.
DeleteYou work way too much :)
Something I forgot to mention in the main post is that I try to be careful before I reach out. In cases where I do it is because through their words, I have hopes that the person will be thoughtful, accepting, and open to some conversation. This leads to a loss of confidence in my ability to read people and that is probably just as destructive as any of this.
It's in the down times where I start losing the ability to tell if it is them or me. Thankfully there are people around who help to keep me on the right track.
Take care and thank you again.
Indeed Fur, I am one of life's workaholic insomniacs LOL
DeleteI think it is quite difficult at times to truly know how someone may react, we can have hopes as to how we hope they will, but a lot of people blog and write as an outlet rather than a way of wanting to engage with others.
I truly get how it affects your confidence or that you somehow think that you have not read people, again, try to have the belief in you and that we can't get it right all of the time.
Be gentle with yourself.
Best, Kat
Thank you, Kat.
DeleteI'm doing my best to just silence my resistance and agree with you :D
And willpower wins. I hear you and I will be working on it.
I give a lot more leeway with blogs than certain other mediums.
I do hope you enjoy your work. If not, then I would offer up a cyber-hug. Well, the hug offer stands even if you do enjoy it.
Take care.