Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Reluctant Dominance

I will warn that I'm writing a bit with the armor on right now after getting a bordering-on-hostile delayed response to some comments I made a week ago.

I'm trying to steer the ship away from Rantville.  My apologies if we end up in Shittsburgh.

I am sympathetic towards Dommes that find themselves in the role due to love.  These women are frequently married and have been for a long enough time to establish a life they wished to continue when they discover that their husband or significant other is secretly a submissive and has been hiding it from her since they met. 

False advertising.  Bait and switch.  Betrayal.  Anger.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Conflicted.  Reluctant Dommes really are pushed through a gauntlet of unpleasant emotions before they finally reach the decision that they love their husband enough to give dominance a go.  Finding out this new information doesn't change what they have built together.  I find these women to be courageous and the men should and usually do feel lucky that she didn't kick them to the curb.

You can find examples of these relationships all over the blogosphere.  Some of the women fully embrace it and become rather imposing and fearsome Dommes.  Some of the women half embrace it and have their moments of good and bad.  Others may attempt to go through the motions but half-resent it (you find these on blogs written by miserable subs). 

There is one point of view that is unique to these women: they see D/s as doing the man a favor. 

I can understand this point of view.  I can empathize with it, just as I'm sure anyone who has done things they didn't want to do in the name of love can.  It is making lemonade when they never asked for lemons in the first place.

That being said, I don't really understand it when a Domme who hasn't experienced this situation takes on this point of view.   It just seems really... entitled. 

I tend to view D/s as a set of complimentary parts.  A yin and yang.  The alpha and omega.  The top and bottom.  The giver and the receiver (and/or receiver and giver). 

Without the D, the s is simply docile.  Without the s, the D is abuse. 

It is when the D and s come together that beauty happens.  Harmony.  Love.  Bonds.  Trust.  Intimacy. 

The submissive offers up their body, their soul, their vulnerability, their obedience, their devotion, their efforts, their time, their perseverance, and their control.
The Dominant receives what the sub offers and in turn offers control, rules, and expectations. 

Rationally, this is not a fair trade, but D/s is anything but rational.  We accept that both parties welcome and agree to these terms.  This is how they want to live and choose to live by their own will.

I guess I just find it puzzling when people who are looking to establish D/s relationships don't view it this way.  I don't like it when someone treats Dominance like a favor.  Nor do I care for the idea that submission is a favor either.  We do it because this is what we want.  We do it because this is what we need to feel whole, alive, and happy.

If a Domme has true grounds to feel entitled in any way, it is due to supply and demand.  Dommes are the rare commodity.  Any sub who's ever tried to win a Domme's attention understands this.  If there is any favor it is in giving the sub a chance.  I don't see it as any favor to be what you both want.


  1. So they're saying that I'd be doing him a favor by never doing dishes?? Sign me up!

    Silly people...

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      It does sound rather preposterous like that, doesn't it?

  2. Dominance as a favor to one's submissive is really just so patronizing. Maybe we should call it "matronizing" in the case of a female dominant who is just being "so very kind" to her sub by allowing him to serve her. What a yawn that must be for both sides!

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I am happy to see that I am not the only one that feels this way.

      On some levels I can see someone adopting this stance in response to wanker wannabes, but I can't help but feel that by treating all subs like wanker wannabes they will inevitably scare away good subs.

      Take care.