It took me a few hours to find out why I was bothered enough to write the post on Reluctant Dominance yesterday and why what I read originally was enough to sour my mood.
Well, the sour mood is firmly rooted in being too sensitive and/or frustration at some of the things people say. This topic had been on my mind for more than a week seeing as how it managed to surface itself on several blogs that I read. The too sensitive part had to do with how it was communicated to me during a comment exchange on one of those blogs.
Now that my feelings are in order and I can tell that my thoughts are rational, I'm finally able to convey what I had hoped to during that post before getting wrapped up in romantic idealism and tearing the fangs off.
The idea that dominance is done as a favor and caters only to a man's desires diminishes the value of submission.
I hold no malice towards women who after X years of marriage find out their husband had been hiding something major to them for several/many years. For those people, dominance as a favor is an understandable point of view.
However, I do not understand how a Domme who entered through conditional means would hold or communicate this point of view and have it yield successful long-term relationships.
If my submission is not special, why was I chosen?
If my submission is not special, why am I careful about who I offer it to?
If my submission is not special, why should I feel like I have any value in the relationship?
This point of view is very good at damaging a sub's psyche. It also passes over the path to developing deep bonds and loving devotion.
Am I missing the boat here or are these feelings reasonable?
It can be dangerous to approach sex (and I don't just mean fluid exchanges) within a relationship from the perspective of "I'm doing you a favor." If one partner is operating from a position of resentment (which is what you seem to be describing), or is just going along to get along (which will just LEAD to resentment), it seems to me akin to signing a death warrant on something that hasn't even had a chance to come alive. Wouldn't it be better to state what one is comfortable with, and - in an established relationship - work out a compromise? Or at least try things, a little a time, and keep what works while discarding the rest.
ReplyDeleteFor someone who's NOT in a long-term relationship where one partner has just shell-shocked the other... Approaching potential partners as "I'm doing you a favor" doesn't make much sense (unless they're into humiliation, and this is a byproduct of that fetish), but it happens in vanilla (hate that term, but you know what I mean) relationships too. Sex is seen as a favor, one to grant or deny, and used to control, manipulate, or punish. Sad, but true.
Anyway, this post brought to mind another one I read some time ago, about what makes a good partner. Because a good partner is not going to approach new ideas with resentment. A good partner is game to try things. I think that's really important.
The post is here: https://denyingthumper.com/2016/01/06/ggg/
Thank you, Mrs Fever.
DeleteI agree with everything you have written here. The connotations of favor make it such a strange word. Favor implies that one person has choice while the other does not. It implies one person has need while the other does not. And it implies that one person wants/needs, while the other does not. To me, that doesn't describe a relationship, nor does it describe power. It feels more like a passive-aggressive carrot that the world would be better without.
I plan to elaborate a bit more about this in another post.
Thank you again.
Take care.