30 Days of Kink: Day 13

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? 

There are a handful of things that appeal to me, some of which are "good" reasons while others are "bad."  

One reason is that my lack of success with dating led to me struggling with my confidence level when it came to interacting with women in a romantic way.  I was uncertain on how to read them and preferred to defer initiating contact.  While I had been told dozens of times over that it is unattractive to ask permission to kiss someone, it seemed better to be unattractive and ask than force my way in when it wasn't welcome.  I am now much better versed at reading signs but old habits die hard.  Once in a relationship I have no trouble instigating contact.  

My psychological damage and abuse from childhood make obedience, expectations, and the like fairly second nature.  It actually feels more peaceful to have restrictions and expectations than to act purely upon my own free will.  In addition to the romantic side, D/s flows easily in this way for me as well.

Bondage, collars, locks, and the like appeal to me on a deeper level.  They make me feel safe and valued.  Protected.  Kept.  If you have a nice bicycle you put a sturdy lock on it.  When she locks me in I feel like she thinks I'm something of value.

This last bit I didn't really come to understand until recently, but I have come to know that a handful of things had become built up in a strange way within me due to shaming.  Like, a woman in a fur coat I saw as being irresistibly attractive but also taboo and almost sacred.  When that reality is forced upon me I can't rationally cope with it and I just melt.

Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

D/s makes logical sense to me.  Do well and you are rewarded with attention and affection.  Do badly and you will be punished and shunned.  I'm pretty damn good at doing well. 

Bondage I'm 99% certain comes from M and I've written about this enough times where I probably don't have to repeat it.

Fur is a stranger one.  In a lot of ways I'm just Lenny who wants to pet the puppies (ideally without a neck-breaking wake of destruction).  I believe this comes from early childhood where our house was very dry in the winter and my parents would put various items in my crib to keep me from rubbing my skin raw.  A fur pelt, a silk blanket, etc.    

The weirdness comes in I believe with the taboo of the shaming.  For years I developed a "look but don't touch, and then feel ashamed for looking," way of it.  Fur was always on women and those women became special.  Untouchable Goddesses.  Seeing as some of my earliest exposure to Femdom happened while looking for photos of women in fur on the NTCweb site, the two became intertwined in a weird way.