Saturday, April 8, 2017

So confused

I don't feel particularly bad right now... just utterly confused about my sense of self at the moment.

The second half of my post from last night (not the 30 days stuff) took me a very long time to write even though it wasn't very long.  I'm not sure why but to this date I find those are probably the most traumatic experiences of my childhood. 

There were a whole lot of questions that were finally answered.  It didn't take me very long in exploring to see all the stuff from fs01 that were directly tied to it.  It didn't take me very long to see how this makes me different from those with similar kinks and fetishes.  I see a world that was a system for rejection.  A system that broke me down and never built me back up... just left me with this shattered sense of self and feeling lost within the darkness.  This system buried my sensitive being and created my alpha. 

Time passed very very slowly for me when I was young.  It almost felt like every day was an endurance trial to see if I could get through the day without being shamed.  My sister really was a bitch.  She tried to give me complexes about so many things... the way that I talked, what I ate, what I liked to do, how I did things, etc.  Eventually I just felt all awkward and fucked up so I pretended to be tough.  I worried about what was cool.  I worried about making impressions.  This turned into a system of self-loathing when I found myself unable to relate to others in my age group.

I'm realizing that I understand what happened with the first hat experience with K.  I can now cite a source to the irrational fear and anxiety that flared up in me when she wanted me to try something on at a store.  The overwhelming feelings of "fucked up", paired with a racing heart, perspiration, and elevated blood pressure now have a known source. 

I can see how M salvaged part of my childhood self and steered me down a different path. 

I don't know how to understand or cope with this new identity.  Is this truly a little space or just part of it?  Why is it so sexualized?  Did I condition myself with my adolescent masturbation habits?  Was I conditioned through D/s experiences? 

The impression I am gathering is that most littles are not sexual when in their space.  Does that mean that I am not that way or is that space a gateway to slavespace?  So many questions with no answers.  I'm so confused. 

Why is it that the protector I seek is one that simply keeps me but is not kind?  Why can I not believe anyone's words when they tell me I'm normal and okay? 

When K decided that she wanted to keep me in deep space and told me "I like you better this way," I remember feeling a sense of calm and peace.  She teased and tormented constantly, but I didn't worry at all... because she liked me better this way... she would keep me... and nothing else mattered.

I'm so confused.

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