#499

I didn't mean to waste a post on this but I've been reflecting yet again... maybe I should change my handle to emo sissy?  :P

I've come to realize that I've already written about everything before.  Before writing certain posts I tried to dig back through the archives to see if this was a new topic or something I'd already explored.  As it turns out, the answer has been a resounding "yes," and sometimes twice.  My head feels quite a bit different from 2010-2012, I feel like my understanding of things has grown and that my point of view has changed a bit.  I know I am a different person but I seem to keep coming back to the same answers and conclusions that I did back then.  My method of getting there might be a little bit better refined, thoughts a bit clearer, but damn, I may as well stop writing "I may have written about this before" at the beginning of posts, because I already know the answer.

Sharing more about the personal events in my life are new.  I guess this was the next logical step but this seems to require a great deal more inspiration.  I will try to delve more down this path in the future.  While looking back over things I randomly came across this post: http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/01/ive-always-wondered.html which reminds me a bit more of why I tended to keep things more clinical back then.  I know deep down the reason was to avoid confronting the events of Reflections part 2 and 4, but that's how things were. 

A few things have really hit home the last couple of nights and made me a little bit sad.  As I've opened up this side of myself again, I feel very, very lonely.  I log on to yahoo messenger and find it empty.  Most of my correspondence comes to an abrupt halt in 2013, although this is mostly my own fault for shutting down to the world.  As I started looking at comments on earlier posts, past email exchanges and the like I started to feel like attempting to reach out to see if those people were still around.  I stopped myself, feeling a bit like a sad jilted lover looking to reconnect with their ex after years apart.  I know that route will only bring me pain.  We are all different people now, different lives.  The connections we had then were a matter of good timing as much as common interests... we had the time and desire to share things with each other.  It is inevitable that I am seeking them out more than they need me, so I balk, saving myself from that hurt where no one is to blame.

During my downtime from 2013-2016 I would occasionally hop on the net to find something... stimulating.  During these times I would also check up on some Google searches to see where things stood that I had done in the past.  It came as a bit of a shock to find out I had pretty much vanished from Google.  My blog posts weren't showing up.  My drawings were no longer showing up.  If anything, I was finding my works that people had re-posted elsewhere or a Domme's social media or networking profile that had a link to my Tips on Courting a Domme with note as "Required Reading."  As much as it is to feel yourself get erased, it actually made me feel proud to be referenced in such ways.  "You mean someone jerked off to something I drew?"  That's about as big of an honor that I could get from those, although the biggest thrill was having an artist I enjoy do a redraw of one of my drawings.  Having my tips linked made me extremely proud though, I believe I wrote that in the first month I had started blogging.  I do still show up on Bing.  I'm also glad that my URL is spelled furcissy as well, it makes it easier for me to find things. 

I think I just have to accept that I am the new version of me.  I'll go ahead and write about the same stuff because it still interests me.  I'll look at things from my current point of view even if it draws the same conclusion.  I'll continue to cherish the connections that are still here but I'll also have to make new connections by reaching out finding others with similar interests. 

I feel better now after writing this post.  I still feel a bit sad, but it's justifiable regret more than anything close to depression.  My work is cut out for me.