Sunday, May 22, 2016

Some thoughts on D/s vs. FLR

I've really been trying to be more active in the blogging world again, not just my blog but reading and ideally commenting on other active blogs.  Back and forth comments and shared traffic are a major part of keeping the community alive.  This isn't the first time I have done this and I'm experiencing some of the same things that happened the last time I did this as well as a few new problems.

When I received the email from Google that my blog may be shut down due to their anti-porn stance, I was a bit surprised.  I basically did nothing (I wasn't active at the time) and I let it go.  A few days later they reversed that decision.  The other day when I was going through my reader list and linked blogs, I noticed something rather drastic.  About 2/3rds of the Femdom-related blogs I followed were gone or switched to private.  Of the remainder, the majority had been inactive for years and remain that way.  This is quite a blow.

Many of the active blogs are of the "FLR but not kinky" type.  To be clear, I'm not actively searching just for kinky masturbation fodder.  FLR blogs can be quite interesting.  They highlight and cover a good number of day to day problems and concerns in D/s relationships and are very much worth reading.  The average D/s relationship can pass as vanilla 90% of the time, and non-kinky FLR relationships cover most of the same material for that 90%.

I don't really have problems with this at all... it's hard to describe it... it's more like... reluctance?

Sorry to make broad generalizations here, but I try to think of them more as "trends based upon observational data and personal experiences."

-There is often a strong stance taken about how it's "all for her," it's not based upon kink, and it's a balance of the man's desires and what makes her life the easiest.

-In many cases there will reach a point where she's no longer into it (or barely into it) but he desperately desires more.  In these cases, this will often be the focus of many posts over a long period of time with no end in sight.

-The avoidance of kink and unwillingness to escalate the D/s dynamic cuts off many solutions to certain problems.  In some cases, the authors will not want to interact much with people that are a bit more gung ho about Femdom and D/s.

My views on this often don't jive very well.  It's a lot easier to just admit kinks and needs.  If a man can't admit that it turns him on and D/s is something he can't live a meaningful life without, why not?   You've already admitted the relationship is non-standard and out of the ordinary, why try to cling to it seeming as "normal" and ordinary as can be?  I know that a lot of this is coping and a lot of it was probably based upon "selling" the idea to her, but at a certain point it seems like it hits a wall because of it.  In some cases, so much of it is focused upon the motivations being non-sexual, it also prevents her from learning to take sexual pleasure from it: if it's not supposed to turn him on, why should it turn her on?

Without the deep connection of both will and arousal, I just don't see how submissives and Dommes are supposed to evolve themselves.  Being trapped by principles saying otherwise makes this even harder.  When a male sub puts a limit on his honesty about how strong of a need D/s is, how is she supposed to understand it?   If the importance isn't conveyed well enough, how is she supposed to feel like it's important enough to reciprocate?

I guess I just feel like it's a better way to be honest, present it to her in a way that will touch her beyond logic.  "You are my Goddess, I adore you, cherish you, love you with my all, and I want to worship the ground you walk on and show my devotion through my actions," has a greater chance of impacting her heart than, "I think it's better if I do the chores from now on, okay?  I think this is how it should be and is purely non-sexual in my motivations."

I realize now that this probably sounds sort of like a rant.  I didn't intend it to be but there's a root of it:  I'm butt-hurt.

I try to be a thoughtful blog commenter.  If a blog has less than 100 posts, I try to read all of them chronologically before I post a single comment on present content.  As I read through, I may post comments as events are revealed to me in order, but I don't feel right making a post on the current topic without having the backstory leading up to it.  This isn't an easy task and sometimes involves many hours of reading to get there.  I also try to think a lot about my comments.  I may inject a few personal views, but I mostly try to keep them relevant and beneficial to the author.  My average comment takes me about an hour to write (with some taking upwards of 2-3 hours).  I guess it's just my nature to want to be the best version of myself when I post to others... I want to invest myself in it.

I think this is why it hurts.  If I follow a blog, read all 57 posts, sink in some genuine thought and effort to post comments and then watch as the author responds to every other commenter except for me.  Often if I get a response, it's "you're wrong."  In other cases on moderated blogs, my comments don't even get posted.  I am left to guess that they don't want some sissy defiling the non-kinky FLR blog with my presence.  The attempted connection, denied.  The hope of maintaining some back and forth discussion, crushed.  The prejudice and stigma of my username and avatar... I get it but I don't. In the end, it hurts my feelings more than I would care to admit.

All of us are "deviant" from the norm.  Deciding what is "too deviant" just feels wrong.  I don't have to agree with what someone does, but that doesn't mean they don't have relevant feelings and experiences to share that I can relate to.

For example, I have no interest in cuckolding.  In fact, unless it's with another woman, cuckolding falls onto my very short list of hard limits that would likely end our relationship.  That being said, I read many cuckold blogs.  Many are still active and the sub's daily life often most closely resembles the dynamics that makes me tick.  A chaste sissy with many daily responsibilities, strictly monitored behavior, and gets used for sexual pleasure without thought of his own?  Yes, please.  I just focus on what is applicable to me.

In fact, if the kink is stripped away, many cuckold relationships VERY CLOSELY resemble the daily routines of many FLRs.

I guess if I have a point to all of this... it's keep an open mind.  Just because all of it doesn't relate to you doesn't mean some of it won't.  Also remember that it's hurtful act with prejudice towards others, and it hurts both parties.  It may keep you from finding the answers you are seeking.

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