Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Thoughts from the blogosphere part 3

I decided to split this into a 3rd part.  It was way too long as it was.

Writing meaningful blog comments can be harder than you might think, but I guess meaningful can hit on several different levels.

You can look at comments from several points of view:

1. Constructive/Discussion.  These comments apply to the post content and bring about an exchange of comments.  These often involve questions and answers or insightful observations.  They require an "active" reading of the post and true feelings to surface.

2. Encouragement.  "Keep up the good work" and "I like this" don't spawn the same level of interaction with a writer but they do provide fuel for the writer to keep on going.  We blog for free.  The only rewards are what we discover about ourselves through writing, the connections we make through comments, and the satisfaction of knowing people appreciate it.  These comments have an important place as well.

3. Negative comments about the blog post.

4.  Negative comments about the writer.

I've always felt the best comments are when the person making the comment put in as much thought into them as the author put into writing the original post.  This isn't always possible with time constraints, but I think when you do it this way, it shows.  Encouragement posts are very good too, especially when you can't add anything to what has already been written.  Tacking on a small "I agree completely," is very helpful to a writer in addition to any other support.

In regards to the negative types of comments, both of these types are discouraging, but in different ways.  Often they are half-cocked comments based upon taking the post out of context and ignoring what led up to that event.  E.g. A cuckold blog about that type of relationship:  the transition to that probably didn't happen 2 weeks into the relationship.   Unless it was previously agreed upon entering the relationship, it likely took years to establish the trust and intensity of D/s dynamics to reach that point.  If someone hops on 200 posts in and says "OMG, this is so mean, how could you do this?  Are you a terrible person?" It's safe to say they missed the boat.  It still impacts the writer's feelings.

As a commenter, things can get complicated.  When we read someone else's blog, we get to know them as the character they present in their writings.  There is also the person behind it.

For example, my character is the fur sissy persona.  Deep down I am very sensitive and gentle but in public I am an alpha.  I don't take shit from people.  I call people out when I feel the need to.  I have no problem shattering someone else's fragile ego if they start spewing crap.  I am frequently looked to as a leader.  In many things I'm leaned on as a qualified expert.  I doubt this shows up in much of my writing.

I am also very insecure, lonely a lot, struggle handling my sadness, and am emotionally crippled at times.  This probably shows up in a lot of my writing.

If you come across a blog from a "tough as nails" Domme who talks about abusing her stable of slaves, that is her character.  She's not made of stone and there's a person in there that gets happy and sad, has hopes and dreams, and so on.  Sometimes people will say things believing the character can handle it just fine but ignoring what it might do to the person.

This got me thinking quite a bit about something related.

At times I will come across comments on blogs I read that are of the discouraging type.  Generalized attacks based upon an out of context projection of the reader's values and launched with very incomplete information.  This makes my blood boil and I start to leap in but stop myself.  It feels inappropriate for me to do so.  As a sub, it just feels wrong to "speak for" a Domme.

Am I a knight that's jumping in to defend someone else's Queen?  Is that okay?  Would the Queen be offended or feel disrespected by this?  I know the Queen is a badass and doesn't need me to protect her, but I hesitate, worrying about what is the most appropriate course of action.

I realized something this morning while thinking about this.  The character doesn't need me to do it.  But what about the person?  I got so hung up on the character that I forgot about the person.  No matter what the character would think, I have to believe that the person would probably appreciate the gesture.

It makes me feel like a bit of a turd for not seeing that side of it that until today.   If I hold back out of fear that something might seem disrespectful to the character, I ignore the benefits that those same actions might have for the person.  The best course of action is probably for me to just ask instead of assuming.

My usual way of "combating" this is to make a post on my own blog about cherishing the blogs that Dommes take the time to write. It's my way of saying, "that guy is full of shit," without polluting someone's blog with negativity.   I can't help wondering if I should do/have done more.

PSA: Something to remember if you are a sub posting to a Domme.  Dommes and subs are not equals.  Be courteous and respectful and present your "best self."  Also keep in mind that unless she specifically mentions she is looking for a sub, she is not looking for a sub.  Lastly, most Dommes write with their target audience being other Dommes.  If subs can chime in with insights, great, but in most cases, she is not writing to provide us with masturbation fodder and she will probably be offended if treated this way.  Some Dommes do like to do this, but it's usually pretty clear when that is the case.  Sorry to state what are hopefully obvious things, I just think it's sometimes overlooked and it is worth reminding ourselves of it every so often.

On a different note, I once commented on a blog, mentioned that I had been recommended there by someone, and apologized that I was commenting a bit out of context on the topic (I was going out of town and didn't have time to read a ton of posts beforehand).  I gave my thoughts on the specific post at hand.

I got a response fairly quickly from the author just blasting me.  Insults and anger, the whole 9 yards.  I initially got angry, but calmed down and removed myself from the followers list without further comment.  It felt like their ego had made them believe they were the ultimate submissive thinker and all other subs were trash.  That feeling was ugly.  This is where I apologize.  If I have ever come off as a douche bag spewing ugly feelings to someone that left a comment, I'm very sorry.  If that has happened, someone should kick my ass for it.

Since writing my Reflections post I've come out the back end a lot more tolerant of people and their kinks.  Years ago when dealing with subs I would see how different we were.  Now I look for our similarities instead.  I was a little silly and ignorant back then.  I hope that I am less ignorant now and I will continue to work on improving myself as both a sub and a human.

The last bit I will mention is anonymous vs. user comments.  I understand when dealing with this content it's common for people to want to remain private.  That being said, as an author user comments can be looked at over time and end up holding more weight.  It takes 2 minutes to start up a new email and blogger account to comment from.  It helps put a name to the words.   It's not mandatory by any means, but it is always a good thing to see someone return and make more comments.

Sorry for the all over the place ADHDness of this post.  My thoughts ran all over.


  1. I do feel that the alpha male part of you does show in your writings more than you credit yourself for. I see a lot of subs writing about what they are for breakfast and how many ounces of urine they peed that day at the demand of a Dom or Domme. It is undeniable that there is a huge difference in the writing of authors who are extrinsicly motivated by their owner when compared to those who write out of an intrinsic motivation. Intrinsicly motivated writing takes courage and creativity It makes the author more brave because the thoughts are your own. I also see that alpha male who is depended on as an expert and leader at work in your insightful comments. You demonstrate knowledge and contribute to other authors writings.

    I hope that you can use the knowledge that you are putting your thoughts out there for the entire world to see as a deflector against the sting of negative comments. I would imagine that most of the people who say hurtful things are not sharing in the same way that you share, or simply don't understand the complexity of the topics you write about. Even if a person is sharing intimate details of his own and has a great understanding of the topic we are bound to find people who see things in a different way, and if you encounter 100 of those people atleast 5 of them will have no manners.

    I also thought your view on the difference between the character and the person was very unique and thoughtful.

    1. Thank you very much, Miss Lily. These comments mean a lot to me. I usually equate my alpha persona with being a prick, but I definitely understand what you are saying. I do a lot of teaching IRL on a good number of subjects and I try to be patient and always attempt to come up with new ways that make learning easier. I think people seeing me in that position is why no one ever guesses that I'm a sub.

      I'm pretty good about shrugging off negative comments. My ego is not too large to the point where I stay up banging away thinking "I can't stop, someone on the internet is wrong." I do have enough of an ego to try and make sure I'm right before I post though :) I think the most negative comment I have ever received here was from a Domme that said if I wasn't physically beaten/broken and forced into a fur coat and heels that I'm full of shit.

      Right now writing, drawing, and fantasy are my only D/s outlets, so I'll keep on plugging away.

      I'll have to make sure to record my ounces of urine tommorrow, I'd been recording it in mL up until now :)

      Thank you again, take care.

    2. Hahaha that last comment got a real laugh from me :D

    3. I'm glad :)
      My person behind the character jokes around a lot.

  2. As to defending a writer against negative comments, I personally have no problem with that. It's rather touching, actually, when someone cares enough to defend the writer against what seems unfair criticism, etc. Several times, I've been on the verge of responding to very negative comments when some chivalrous soul beats me to it and defends my point of view. I believe you've done it more than once, and I'll admit that it's very nice to have a comrade in the fray.

    BTW, I think I know whom you're referring to when you speak of being blasted for making a comment. I was shocked at the response you got, and seriously considered jumping in myself. If memory serves, I did say something about it, but - as you say - you quickly left the scene. The author in question has also left the scene, and hasn't blogged for several years now.

    I've always accepted anonymous comments, but I regularly request that they end with some sort of identification short of their actual name. This could be a number, a letter, or a nickname, and it greatly helps in keeping a clear context, especially when multiple anons are commenting on a blog posting. No matter how many times I've asked for this, only a handful actually comply.

    1. Thank you very much for the comments, Lady Grey. I have jumped in a few times, but have reserved if to when I felt I could "speak for Karl," if that makes any sense or could state a generalized fact like "this didn't happen overnight, it took years to reach."

      Now that I am more aware of things and your feelings on it I will try to be more vocal and less hesitant. Many times I've wanted to step in and rail on someone for being "out of line," only to hold back for fear that I was overstepping my bounds to do so.

      I'm guessing you do remember the person and we had guessed part of his reaction was based upon feeling that we were communicating outside of blogs, which has never been the case.

      Take care.