Friday, May 27, 2016

Monikers, Colors, and Identities

Every few months I have a little bit of regret about not having two blogs.  One that is standard colors with a different author name and another that is how it currently is.  What percentage of my posts are actually related to feminization?  1/3rd?  1/4th?  I can't say for sure, but I know it's less than half unless I force some of it in there.

I can almost always logic my way out of those regrets.  The people who are here are serious and focused on content more than appearances.  The people who are here appreciate the ways that I contribute in comments and were able to judge me on those rather than the username, colors, and avatar of my online identity.

Occasionally I will dream of a "very active" blog, posted in a better way (1 post per day at most), and more benign appearance where dozens of comments flow in on topics and everything feels lively.  I know the reality of it is that I will spend more time replying to a lot of things and the intimacy will fade.

I've grown to the point where I appreciate the people who do stop by here more than worrying about the people who don't.  The intimacy and personal connection and attention are more meaningful than a string of +1's.

That being said, I would love it if anyone has any questions, thoughts, or ideas they would like me to explore in writing.  They could be as simple as "hey, have you ever ______?"  or "what are your thoughts on ______?"

I can be very task-oriented and this sometimes works better than trying to dig through the mess that is my own brain.


  1. I think that you will have that active blog that you dream of soon. I also wanted to tell you that I am glad that your blog discusses other aspects of d/s opposed to being more
    posts on feminization.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. I will answer each of these separately.
      I do enjoy talking about D/s more. When I initially created this blog a lot of it was trying to cater to this new identity and figure out what made me tick. When I realize that the majority of the posts are non-feminization related... it makes me wonder if I shouldn't have gone with something a little less... extreme.

  2. Suggestion/question...
    What are your thoughts on mental conditioning?
    Your post "tears and orgasms" made me wonder if you would have enjoyed a mistress who acheived the same feminization goals in a slower pace but with less tears?

    For example you mentioned that anything in your butt brought tears. A slower aporoach to her goal of you taking a larger dick or dildo would be: making you beg for mistress to do pegging sessions, making you tell her how much you enjoy getting pegged while she does it, only allowing orgasm while working to attain this goal, gentle prostate massages with finger and repeating tratment of making you say you like it and begging, an experienced domme may even use desensitizing gel or lube (this could be dangerous and can only be used in certain phases, if you dont know when it is safe, then dont use it) do you feel that you would have lost interest in forced feminization if the approach was different.

    You dont have to answer any of these questions. This is just a suggestion and curiosity.

    1. My thoughts on mental conditioning... well... I've been heavily conditioned. I'm aware of just how much when I look back at things.
      I just realized that I've made 73 posts since May 9th. Last week I wrote about my understanding of conditioning, but those aren't really thoughts:

      I guess if a Mistress really wants it to happen and there is love involved in a long-term relationship, I have really no objection as long as it stays within my hard limits. I've been broken so many times, what's one more?

      As for liking feminization with a slower pace...
      This is where things get really really tricky for me to answer clearly.

      I will state one thing openly and then answer with that in mind:
      Forced feminization and the state I am now drive me to such an intense depth of subspace that deep down I'm really okay with it as long as I am with a woman who "gets me."

      I don't think I would have ever liked this, no matter what the pace. I don't think I would have ever liked anything up my butt either, no matter what the pace (that was a hard limit I voluntarily gave up in order to be "enough" for T). I had built up such a strong mental block on both activities that once it happened, it changed me on a deep level. If either things had been "dabbled" in, neither would have probably happened at all.

      My greatest regrets are that if this relationship ever ends, I am "damaged goods." I hate that I'm so screwed up that I will never be able to date normally and will have to prove myself so much in order to even be considered, let alone accepted for who I am. If things ever do end, I just have to hope that my capacities as a person and as a submissive are good enough to earn consideration.

      In the D/s dynamic though, I now crave being broken. I crave things that push me deeper and deeper into submission. They make me love my Ms. even more. It's hard to describe adequately.

      Thank you again.

    2. There is no need to describe the desire to be broken and pushed deeper into submission. I havent shared much of my submissive side in switching. When in a sub mindset I find that the experience of pain that my husband has been willing to provide has now reached a point where I want to go further. An example of this being an injury I had reveived to my hand that was bad enough that lead to a string of doctor visits last summer. I do know this isnt a great analogy but its the best one i could think of that I feel keeps this level of clarity. There are some other aspects in those desires that differ but I imagine they are both different than what the 18 year old version of ourselves dreamed of. There is also a parallel with being broken and going deeper. I hope this makes sense.

  3. Thank you, Miss Lily. It does make sense. I think for me going deeper is very much rooted in mental aspects. What an event symbolically means to my psyche, how it chamges things, changes me, changes my identity and the like. The experiences of "you like it so I'll twist you to hate it" and "you hate it so I'll twist you to like it" are rather shattering and defeating... But in a good way.