Wednesday, June 8, 2016

A Sea of Thoughts: Kink, Needs, and Insecurity

Just some late night ramblings and thoughts swirl in my head...

I find it is much more common for male subs to feel defensive, ashamed, and embarrassed about their kink than Dommes or even femsubs.  Unless you live in a very conservative area, I've always felt the general consensus when it comes to kink is pretty much this:
-If a woman is kinky, it's hot, sexy, and attractive.  She embraces her sexuality and will be creative and adventurous in the bedroom.  

-If a man is kinky, he's a pervert.  He's some pariah who should be pitied for needing some deviant porn to get off.  The more private he is, the bigger creep he becomes.  

With this in mind, it's no wonder that subs often get so crazy and insecure when faced with telling someone about it.  I think this fear is also why many choose to gloss over their deep personal needs for D/s with "practical" and "acceptable" ones (see my recent post on the 3 C's of FLR).  

It takes a lot of courage as a man to admit,"I need this to my core.  It affects me mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually.  It is indeed that important.  Please understand."

To make things even more confusing, I don't know many women who have struggled with this with the possible exception of someone having some very deep and very dark sadistic fantasies that grow for years without an outlet.  

It just seems strange how it all works.  Generally speaking, if a woman says, "Get out the handcuffs," the man jumps for joy, excited for some exciting sex.  If a man says, "Get out the handcuffs," it has so many other potential outcomes:  
Hurt feelings, aka "am I not enough for you?"  
Rejection, aka "what are you, a freak?"
Acceptance, aka "Sounds fun."
D/s resistance, aka "are you topping from the bottom?"

I just find this weird and I'm guessing at least one person that reads this will agree that it seems overly-complicated.

Another thing that strikes me as odd is back on the needs topic.  

In D/s, a Domme's needs are met on principle.  All of them.  This is the expectation either for the man in front of her or someone from the long line of guys who would love to trade places with him.  That's not saying it's perfect, but I assume that an adequate submissive will meet her sexual, romantic, and emotional needs and it's not a stretch for this to happen so regularly it becomes expected.

A male sub's needs get way more complicated.  You almost have to compartmentalize them all and create a a his & hers hierarchy to determine which ones will and will not happen.  I generally assume that the need to give up control is the primary one, because every need ranked below that... is no longer up to you once the primary need is met.  

This creates another giant inequality.  A Domme's needs are met on principle.  A sub's needs are met (or not met) through some combination of love, luck, merit, discipline, sympathy, mood, timing, environment, and 50 other things not listed here, many of which are not under his control.  

I guess on some levels, if you accept the need to give up control, everything else becomes a want or a preference or a fetish or a desire.  Once you give that control away it's no longer up to you.  No wonder it's so often that we seem crazy.


  1. Lots to think about for today fs. I was struck by your line, "A Domme's needs are met on principle." And you are also correct about needs; my needs are much more complicated. Sometimes I imagine I should treat her the way I would like to be treated, not that I could or allowed to. But then she might know just how gruel she could be. In our relationship there is only one person that is spanked, only one person that is told to strip, only one that wears the lacy thongs and a plug. To dream of all that could be.

    1. Thank you, Penney.

      It is quite interesting about how one-sided things can seem. Then again, often the things we have come to crave were not originally our own creation.

  2. Agreed on all counts, fur. The male sub dilemma is virtually impossible to solve in a world where one can more easily come out of the closet as gay, yet be ridiculed for his submissive lifestyle, or even just his submissive feelings. Strange that a woman is not so ridiculed, but even though I haven't read it, I suspect that "50 Shades of Gray" makes many women hot, and has proven to be eminently acceptable. What would happen if someone followed that up with a mainstream male submissive novel? Do you think it would be a best seller? "Exit to Eden" gave it a shot but devolved into a romance story, which was very disappointing to me, but is probably why it eventually became a movie, although it was changed so much it was nearly unrecognizable.

    No, the first great male submissive novel in modern times has yet to be written. "Venus in Furs" seemed to pave the way, but it's dated and not seen as particularly relevant today. Why don't you give it a shot?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      It is odd how society treats things. They push for equality but things that reinforce male dominance in a sexual way are still vastly more popular. It is fascinating how things get glossed over by various demographics. E.g. If The movie Juno had been centered around an under-privileged inner-city minority teen pregnancy, would it have been popular? Probably not.

      That fine line exists where people can easily accept concepts of consensual vs non-consensual. Interesting stuff that Im sure people in psychology have written about.

      Im still an infant as a fiction writer, but maybe in time (although the thought of doing it beyond a hobby actually terrifies me). Based upon the backlash I have received lately on the internet I think my tastes may be a bit too extreme for public consumption.

      I wouldn't be too opposed to a modernized Venus in Furs, but I acknowledge that I am a special case :)

      Take care.